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The Black Pearl was under siege.
Cannonballs roared through the misty night, splintering wood and sending crewmen scrambling, and amidst the chaos of the acrid scent of gunpowder, two captains were engaged in a battle.
Steel clashed against steel as the two men dueled their way across the deck. The Queen Anne’s Revenge, under the command of one Hector Barbossa, bore down upon the Black Pearl with all the fury of a man scorned, and on the deck of the latter, Jack Sparrow—sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow— —found himself fending off the attacks of his life-time rival in a duel of most unpleasant familiarity.
“Ye ever consider,” Jack panted, ducking a swing, “that perhaps ye obsess just a wee bit too much over me?”
Barbossa scoffed, deflecting Jack’s riposte. “I obsess only over what’s rightfully mine—which, last I checked, includes the Black Pearl.”
Jack twirled his sword, sidestepping an ill-placed barrel. “Aye, but the thing is, Hector, mate… ye never did own the Pearl. I dare with the full conviction of a man whose possessions were unceremoniously pilfered first. It’s the natural order of things, really—an eye for an eye, a ship for a ship, an ungrateful, peg-legged nuisance for a—”
“Ye scurvy dog!” Barbossa spat, his blade ringing against Jack’s own. “Ye dare think ye can take what’s rightfully mine and sail off into the horizon without so much as a thank ye?”
“No, no, ye commandeered her from me, and then I commandeered her from you, and so forth and so on until, well—” Jack gestured at their current predicament. “—here we are, engaged in yet another round of our thrilling, yet ultimately pointless, attempt at mutual murder.”
Barbossa lunged, and the force of the strike sent them both stumbling through the remnants of a blasted door, landing in the wreckage of the Pearl’s captain’s cabin.
A brief pause. The battle raged on outside, but within these walls, silence.
Then Barbossa, of all things, laughed.
Jack, still adjusting his hat, narrowed his eyes. "That’s an unsettling sound, mate."
Barbossa exhaled sharply, sheathing his sword with a flourish. "Ah, Jack… Ye’re a most insufferable pest, an untrustworthy wretch, a blight upon me every waking moment—"
Jack nodded along. “Flatterer.”
Barbossa scowled, pacing. “This be the worst thing I’ll ever say aloud, so savor it while it lasts. I hate ye, I truly do. Ye’re a backstabbing, rum-guzzling, treacherous cockroach of a man—”
Jack, examining his fingernails, waved him along. "Yes, yes, all well-documented, but do get to the point—”
"—and yet," Barbossa pressed on, stepping closer, "damned if I don’t find meself... drawn to ye."
Jack blinked.
Once. Twice.
Then, after a solid five seconds, he winced as if he had just tasted particularly bad rum. “I’m sorry. I must’ve misheard ye, ‘cause it almost sounded like ye were confessing an affection of sorts, and frankly, that’s not an image I want festering in me already burdened mind.”
Barbossa growled. "Aye, and that’s precisely why it’s a curse worse than death!" He grabbed Jack’s collar roughly, yanking him forward. "I hate ye, Sparrow, but—blasted be the sea—I can’t help meself! Here I stand, gripped by this most foul, wretched, damned—”
Jack, now looking mildly nauseous, interrupted. “Alright, alright, no need for poetry, mate, we’re not in a bloody sonnet. Let’s address the bigger issue here: what exactly do ye propose we do about this… predicament?”
Barbossa’s glare darkened. “Oh, I can think of a thing or two.”
Jack arched a brow, but before he could retort, Barbossa grabbed him by the collar and kissed him.
Jack, naturally, made muffled noises of vague alarm before—after a moment’s deliberation—deciding that, for the sake of research, he’d see where this led.
They didn’t get far.
The door suddenly burst open with a bang!
“JACK SPARROW!”
Jack turned hastily, still half-entangled with Barbossa, to face none other than Angelica Teach—cutlass drawn, eyes aflame, and, clad in men’s garb.
He blinked at her, wholly unbothered by the very compromising situation she had walked in on. "Angelica, darling! When did ye get here? Lovely to see ye, missed ye terribly. Might I inquire as to why ye look ready to fillet me like an undercooked fish?”
Angelica, shaking with rage, pointed at him. “What are you doing?”
Jack followed the line of her gaze to Barbossa, then back to her. “Well, that’s a complicated question, and I feel the answer is better suited for a long conversation over a bottle of rum, preferably after we pretend this never happened.”
Angelica’s expression darkened. “Jack, look at me.”
Jack, ever the obedient one, gave her an exaggerated once-over before nodding approvingly. “Oh ye look good, love. Though I must ask—why’re ye dressed like a man? Decided to change yer gender, have ye? Like this one here?” He pointed at Barbossa.
“I am still very much a man, Sparrow!” Barbossa barked.
Jack raised an eyebrow, gesturing vaguely at their prior activities. "Could’ve fooled me, mate."
Angelica, meanwhile, was trembling with fury. "Jack, you—" She clenched her jaw. "Do you have eyes, you imbecile?"
Jack tilted his head, squinting at her stomach. “Have ye…Have ye colon cancer, love? Ye look a bit… bloated.”
Angelica’s scream rattled the very bones of the Pearl, “I’M PREGNANT, YOU BLOODY BASTARD!”
Silence.
Jack stared.
Then, at long last, “…I beg yer pardon?”
Angelica advanced, jabbing a finger into his chest. “And guess who the father is?”
Jack took a slow step back holding up both hands. “Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. Who screwed ye on that island I so generously left ye on? Some poor, unsuspecting sod took a liking to ye?” He paused, suddenly intrigued. “ Or have ye taken to consortin’ with monkeys? Because that’d make it a monkey-human hybrid, and frankly, after seeing mermaids—"
Angelica’s blade was suddenly at his throat. "It’s yours."
Jack’s expression blanked. He stared at her. Then at Barbossa. Then back at her.
Jack gawked. “Mine? That can’t be right.” He turned to Barbossa. “That can’t be right.”
Barbossa smirked. “Oh, it be very right.”
Jack, processing, ran a hand down his face. “This is the second time, I’ve been lied to by the truth, Angelica. First ye being Blackbeard’s daughter, now this—truly, I am the victim here.”
“But are ye sure,” Jack said pointing at Angelica’s stomach, “That is not an heir of Queen Anne, but of Pearl?”
Angelica growled, exasperated. "I was recruited by Barbossa. I slept with him to make him believe the child was his. I haven’t been with any other men for the past nine months."
Jack gaped, disgusted. "Him?! Out of all the men on his crew, ye went with him??"
Barbossa scoffed. “Oh, I knew it wasn’t mine. I simply let her stay ‘cause I knew ye were weak for yer girls.”
"Girls? Really, Jack?!" Angelica spat, her voice thick with both disbelief and anger. "How many more have you gotten pregnant? How many, Jack?!"
Jack shrugged. “Only one. For now. I think.”
"Oh, how comforting," Angelica snapped, rolling her eyes. "You're the one who claimed you didn’t remember our night together. And now you’re out there—what? Collecting women? Filling them with your pirate seed like a bloody farm animal?"
Jack raised a finger, a wicked grin spreading across his face. "Well, if ye must know, Angelica, it’s not that simple. In the wild world of Jack Sparrow, we don’t just ‘fill’ anyone with anything. It’s an art—a well-crafted, carefully planned, absolutely consensual... strategy, if you will."
Angelica’s eye twitched. "Strategy? You’re a bloody disaster! A mess! You don’t even know what ‘strategy’ means unless it’s scamming someone out of their ship!"
"Aye, but that’s the beauty of it," Jack replied, his grin widening. "Not everyone can be as organized and meticulous as you, Angelica. Some of us thrive on chaos, eh? It’s how we make the best of life."
Barbossa, having heard enough, cleared his throat loudly. "Enough! Of your banter!" he growled, eyes flicking between the pair. "We were in the middle of killing each other!”
“Oohh no, we weren’t,” Jack pointed out, “Not you and I, atleast—"
Barbossa cut him off, “You’re pregnant, Angelica. Congratulations, Jack’s yet another victim.”
Angelica glared at Barbossa. “Victim? You don’t know the meaning of the word. You’re the one who used me—used me to deceive Jack into thinking you’d made a fool of him.”
“You’re not special, girly. Most pirates are fools when it comes to any brothel-worthy women— and using them has become an old trick among us…” Barbossa muttered to Angelica, under his breath.
“Aye, well, it seems like you’re a fool for men, old man,” Jack said, his voice dripping with mock sweetness. “You and your ever-growing crew of lovely boys. I don’t see you turning them down, do I?”
The banter was infectious, but Angelica’s annoyance was reaching its peak. “That’s rich coming from a man who’s been avoiding any real responsibility his entire life!”
Jack, leaning in closer, voice dropping into something quieter, almost too casual, said, “Angelica… my love… You’re always such a firecracker. Makes me wish I was a better man, y’know? A man that could settle down, raise a little one… Maybe… maybe someday we’ll figure it out.”
His words were unexpected, and for a moment, Angelica’s fiery demeanor softened, her eyes meeting his with a flicker of vulnerability.
But before she could respond, Barbossa snapped. “Enough of this! Are ye two done with your squabbling? The bloody ship is still standing in the middle of nothing! You both look like you’ve forgotten who you’re really at odds with! It’s me and Jack that’s always been the problem!"
Jack, as casual as ever, threw his hands up. “No need to get touchy, old mate. We’ve always had our moments. Love-hate relationship, don’t you know? But don’t worry about her—she’s used to me.”
Angelica turned to Jack, a raised eyebrow, arms folded. “Used to you? Is that what you call it? You’re a nuisance!”
Jack met her eyes, and for a brief moment, everything felt still. The bickering, the harsh words, the tensions—they all vanished as he gave her that familiar, crooked grin. "Well, then, I suppose I'm your favorite nuisance."
There was a brief, almost imperceptible pause before Angelica's lips tugged into a reluctant smile, the warmth in her eyes betraying her usual hardened exterior.
Barbossa stood there, his face a mask of frustration and disbelief at their exchange. He huffed, clearly done with their antics, and muttered, “I don’t know why I bother. You two should be thrown overboard, the both of you!”
With an exasperated growl, he lunged at them both—only for their chaotic quarrel to be interrupted by the unmistakable boom of cannon fire.
All three of them froze.
By the sounds of it......A navy fleet had arrived.
Jack sighed. “Just how many surprises today?”
Barbossa groaned. “I be too old for this.”
With no other option, the three of them stormed the deck, to face the navy together. Their swords clashing against the redcoats as they found themselves momentarily united against a common enemy—the British Royal Navy.
Amidst the chaos, Jack turned to Angelica. "So, while we’re at it, fancy getting married?"
Angelica, mid-sword fight, raised a brow. “Now?”
Jack grinned. “Aye. Nothing like the fear of imminent death to make a man commit.”
He parried a navy officer’s blade and kicked him overboard, then spun on his heel, barely dodging a musket shot. “Well, this is proving to be an eventful day!”
Angelica, fighting beside him, gritted her teeth. “You’re the one who wanted to get married now of all times!” She deflected a cutlass and elbowed the attacker in the face.
Jack grinned, ducking a swing. “Aye, but look at the bright side, love—plenty of witnesses, free fireworks, and best of all—” He spun dramatically, avoiding another strike. “—if ye change yer mind, odds are one of us’ll be dead before it’s legally binding!”
Angelica rolled her eyes while swinging at a soldier. “That’s not how legal marriage works, Jack! Pirates don’t do legal!”
“Then we go for church marriage, Oi Barbossa!”
Barbossa grumbled. "Oh no. Nope. Not again."
Jack smirked. “Then I s’pose we’ll just throw ye to the navy, aye?”
Barbossa, skewering a navy soldier, barked, “I am not officiating this! I’m no pastor!”
Jack gasped, feigning heartbreak. “Hector, mate, ye wound me. What happened to our newfound bond?”
Barbossa snarled, slicing through another attacker. “What happened, Sparrow, is that I remembered who ye are and that I despise ye!”
Jack tsked, parrying a strike. “Aye, but alas, ye’re the only one here with prior experience. And between us, I’d rather not be wed by a half-drunk deckhand covered in gunpowder and questionable stains.” He tilted his head toward Angelica. “No offense, darling.”
Angelica scowled, stabbing an unfortunate navy officer before turning to Barbossa. “You will marry us, or I swear on my father’s grave I’ll throw you overboard myself!”
Barbossa narrowed his eyes. “Yer father ain’t got no grave, lass—ye left him to the sea!”
“THEN I’LL SWEAR ON THE BLOODY SEA!”
Barbossa, cornered by both their swords, let out a long-suffering sigh. “Fine!” he snapped, shoving an enemy soldier aside. “But if either of ye die ‘fore the ceremony’s done, don’t come hauntin’ me!”
Jack beamed, adjusting his hat mid-duel. “Aye, that’s the spirit!”
Angelica wiped blood from her blade. “Let’s make this quick before we’re blown to bits.”
Barbossa scowled, stabbing an unfortunate soul who got too close. “Right, then—do ye, Jack Sparrow, take this vicious, double-crossing, untrustworthy wench—”
Angelica glared. “Hey!”
Barbossa ignored her. “—to be yer lawfully wedded wife?”
Jack dodged a bayonet, shot his attacker point-blank, and twirled around with a grin. “Aye, suppose I do!”
A cannonball explosion nearly strikes Jack before Angelica yanks him away by his hair.
“You bastard. Why did you wait until now to get married? We’re literally fighting a navy fleet!”
Jack, leaning on his sword with an exaggerated, dramatic flair, grinned. “Well, darling, I figured if we waited ‘til after the battle, I could at least enjoy the wedding.” He glanced over his shoulder, pointing toward the smoke-filled horizon. “Look at the view! Pirates in battle, and a romantic sunset. Perfect timing, if ye ask me!”
Angelica, absolutely unamused, stepped closer, prodding his chest with her sword. “You think this is romantic? We’re getting married in the middle of a bloody warzone! No one’s even happy about it! Not even Barbossa!”
Jack shot a glance at Barbossa, who was currently swinging his sword with a gleam in his eye, and raised an eyebrow. “Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure of that, love. Hector here’s been just itching to see me tied down. Hasn’t he, mate?”
Barbossa’s face twisted in disgust. “You’re a blight on this world, Sparrow!”
Jack chuckled, unfazed. “Aye, but a beautiful one, Hector. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were a bit jealous. Is that it, Barbossa? A little mad ye weren’t the one getting hitched today?”
Angelica scoffed, crossing her arms. “I should’ve left you on that island, Jack.”
“Ah, but you didn’t, did you?” Jack winked. “Couldn’t resist the allure of me charm, I reckon. The way I flair, the way I pirate… who could blame you?”
Angelica shot him a sharp look. “It’s not that, you idiot. It’s just—” She broke off, visibly frustrated, her hands shaking from both the anger and the adrenaline. “*You’re a mess, Jack. I spent years trying to stay away from you, and here I am, trapped in a wedding with you, and it’s probably going to be my last, too, given the bloody navy out there!”
Jack smiled, his eyes softening for a split second, before he turned away to parry a navy attack. “Ah, but here’s the thing, Angelica— You’re never quite as free as ye think ye are, love. The world’s a prison, and we’re all just wandering around with keys in our hands, looking for the right lock. Sometimes ye have to throw caution to the wind and dare to be caught in the mess, to choose the chaos. And, well…” He paused, spinning his sword in a flourish, “I might be a mess, but I’m your mess, now.”
Angelica blinked, taken aback by the sincerity in his words. For a moment, there was a fleeting silence between them, the battle fading in the distance.
“You really do know how to ruin a good insult, don’t you?” Angelica muttered, looking away with a sharp exhale.
Barbossa, who had been muttering curses under his breath, finally couldn’t take it anymore. “I will kill ye both, ye scurvy dogs. Mark me words—after the navy’s dead, I’ll deal with ye two myself.”
Jack twirled his sword with a flourish. “I don’t think we’ve got enough time for that, Hector. What say we just finish this, eh?”
Barbossa turned to Angelica. “And do ye, Angelica Teach, take this rum-soaked, morally bankrupt, walking catastrophe to be yer husband?”
Angelica hesitated, glancing at Jack—who was currently engaged in a duel, half-distracted, and utterly himself. She sighed. “…Aye.”
Barbossa groaned. “By the power vested in me by absolutely no one, I now pronounce ye—” He sliced an enemy soldier clean through and growled, “Married.”
Jack grinned. “Grand! Time for the part where we—”
Angelica grabbed him by the collar, yanked him forward, and kissed him fiercely amidst the chaos. The kiss was far too heated, far too dramatic, and lasted just long enough for Barbossa to grimace in disgust.
Jack, thoroughly dazed when she pulled back, muttered, “Blimey, shoulda married ye years ago.”
Angelica smirked. “You still owe me a honeymoon.”
Jack twirled his sword. “Battle first, consummation later, love.”
Barbossa dry-heaved. “I should’ve let the navy hang ye both.”
And with that, the newlyweds turned back to the battle, side by side, as the Pearl fought to reclaim the sea.
With the navy’s ships drifting in the distance, conquered but not without cost, the pirates were left to collect themselves amidst the smoke and the salt in the air. The only sounds left were the quiet murmurs of the crew, the clink of swords, and the distant creak of the Black Pearl as it swayed gently on the open sea.
Angelica and Jack stood side by side, their breaths heavy but their minds still buzzing from the chaos. Barbossa, with a grunt of frustration, waved off the momentary peace they had shared. He approached Angelica, his eyes narrowing.
“Well, then, love,” he grumbled, his voice laced with his usual irritation, “The thing that ye’ve promised me in exchange for Sparrow’s life?”
Angelica, her face a mixture of exhaustion and resolve, reached into the folds of her coat and pulled out a weathered map, a certain artifact tied to it. “As promised,” she said, handing it to him, “ The map that will lead ye to the One Piece ye’ve been seeking. Consider it my final repayment for sparing Jack’s life.”
The pirate captain, eyeing the map with greed, accepted it from her without a word.
Barbossa gave her a knowing glance, but all he said was, “Aye, ye’ll get no complaints from me… yet. But the truce is only temporary, and I’ll be keeping an eye on ye two.”
Jack, who had been standing off to the side, watching the transaction with half-interest, casually walked over to Angelica, his swagger in full effect. His eyes flicked to the map in Barbossa’s hands, then back to Angelica.
“Well now,” Jack began, his lips curling into a smirk. “What’s this? A map? Ye could’ve given that to me, ye know. What kind of wife are ye, eh? A real wife would have shared that treasure with her husband before anyone else.”
Angelica, clearly not falling for Jack’s antics, shot him a playful glance and shook her head. “Well, Jack, you’ve got your hands full already. I’m just giving Barbossa something to play with.”
“We’ll part ways here, then,” Barbossa muttered, glancing at Jack, his eyes narrowing in suspicion, but said nothing. Instead, he turned away, ready to go back to his ship.
“I’m sure you won’t,” Angelica replied dryly, but there was a glint of something softer in her eyes. Perhaps gratitude.
With that, Barbossa and his crew retreated aboard the Queen Anne’s Revenge, disappearing into the foggy horizon. Jack and Angelica stood together, the tension between them palpable, yet somehow more understanding than before. They shared a brief moment of quiet before turning toward the Black Pearl, where their crew waited.
Angelica turned to walk away first, her boots clinking softly on the deck. As she passed Jack, she whispered just low enough for only him to hear, “I’ve memorized the map, Jack. The treasure’s as good as mine.”
Jack blinked, his eyes narrowing slightly in surprise as he processed what she’d said. But before he could respond, she was already several paces ahead, her stride confident as ever.
With a sly grin creeping back to his face, Jack spun on his heels, leaning against the ship’s rail and muttering to himself, “Well, well… my clever little wife. Always keeping secrets from her husband. What am I to do with you, Angelica?”
For the briefest moment, there was a flicker of something genuine in his eyes, something far deeper than the usual antics. Then, as if remembering himself, he smirked and added, “Aye, well, I suppose I’ve got my own little secrets. Can’t have you taking all the glory, now, can we?”
But Angelica, already at the far end of the deck, didn’t bother to look back. She knew exactly how this pirate worked.
The crew of the Black Pearl was a rough, rowdy lot, but when Captain Jack Sparrow boarded his ship, they knew to stand to attention. The air was still thick with the remnants of battle, but there was a sense of triumph in the air.
Jack stood at the helm, the wind whipping through his hair, and with a smile that could only be described as both mischievous and proud, he raised his voice to the crew.
“Alright, ye scallywags, listen up! There’s been a slight change in the captain’s status. After a long, arduous battle, and a wedding that none of ye will ever be able to forget—yes, ye heard right—I’m now a married man!”
A chorus of confused gasps and laughter erupted from the crew, with one particularly loud voice chiming in from the back. “What? Captain Sparrow, married?! To whom?!”
Jack shot a wink to his crew. “To none other than the formidable, the cunning, the beautiful… Angelica.”
“So, let it be known far and wide, mates, that I, Captain Jack Sparrow, am taken. Not for long, of course… but for now, let’s enjoy it while it lasts! So let’s get this ship back on course, and may the winds be forever in our favor!”
The crew cheered, more out of camaraderie than genuine belief that Jack would stick to any kind of commitment. But for now, they were willing to play along. The Black Pearl sailed on, as it always did, through the stranger tides of the sea.
Angelica leaned against the railing, looking out over the ocean as the sun began to set, casting a golden glow over the ship. Jack joined her, his eyes not on the horizon but on her, as usual.
“So,” Angelica began, her voice soft but with a playful edge, “What were you doing making out with Barbossa. Care to explain?”
Jack, clearly caught off guard by the question, turned to her with a sly grin. "Well, now, Angelica... Ye don’t really want to know, do ye? It was all part of the wedding ceremony, after all. The groom’s rituals with the…officiant, yes."
"Is that so?" Angelica raised an eyebrow, her lips curling into a smirk. "You’re that fond of your... vows, I see."
Jack sighed, looking at the horizon. “Piracy’s a strange thing, love.”