Work Text:
Belly
Jeremiah holds out his hand and I slip my fingers into it. My hand fits perfectly in his, fingers intertwined resting on the center console of the car like they have thousands of times before, but this time is different. Is he having second thoughts? The drive back here to this place holds so many memories, a lifetime of them. This is where it all began, but it's also where it all fell apart. Memories can be both precious and haunting.
It's as if he feels my energy because his fingers tighten in a gentle squeeze. Sunlight beams through the window behind him shimmering in his hair. This view of him in his brown tinted aviator sunglasses and black and white pin striped dress shirt threatens to steal my breath. He has that look that pulls your gaze and doesn’t let you look away. The road in front of us winds through a tunnel of trees and I roll down my window knowing that this is the exact place where you can start to smell the ocean. I lean my head out to feel the wind whipping through my hair like I used to when I was a kid and the smile he gives me warms me all of the way to the core.
“What?”
“I’m just seeing you, Bells.”
He’s always seen me. All of me. My sadness when my parents told me they were getting a divorce, frustration whenever Steven was being particularly annoying, loneliness when I was forced to stay home instead of doing fun stuff with the boys. He’s always read me like a book and reacted in just the right way, taking care of my emotions like no one else ever has.
The key charm dangling from my bracelet dances in the breeze and rewinds the time. A collection of moments, thousands of them, rush forward like a film reel in my mind. An entire childhood of summers, me running around in my bathing suit and him in his swim trunks setting up a stand and selling lemonade so we could buy our own bubblegum, him teaching me how to blow bubbles, chasing butterflies together with the little pink net I got for my birthday, and sneaking food to the neighborhood cat that we befriended, much to my mom’s dismay. Making sand castles on the beach, collecting shells and sand crabs, swimming in the pool, riding our bikes to Scoops to get ice cream, watching movies with our moms, and racing into the ocean. Him giving me driving lessons the summer I turned 16, the summer everything changed. Our first kiss, his arms wrapped around me, my legs wrapped around him, clinging to each other like barnacles in the water. We were best friends. We already knew each other, already loved each other, all that was needed was to turn up the heat, which is exactly what happened when he kissed me. It was real and…scary. And yet somehow, just hours after telling Taylor that very thing, I was in the car with Jeremiah on the side of the road asking him to the Deb Ball and finding the courage to put his hand down my shirt. It was the first time that I had ever allowed a boy to touch me like that. He was so tender about it. He let me lead. And he agreed to go to the Deb Ball just for me. I’ll never forget the look on his face standing there in his tux, looking at me in my white dress.
Or the look on his face the next morning when I told him I kissed Conrad.
I sit back in my seat. He reaches over and rests his hand on the inside of my thigh, stroking his thumb back and forth over my jellyfish tattoo. I exhale.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“Nothing. I’m just…remembering.”
“Yeah,” he says, glancing at me and then back to the road, “me too.”
I see the sign for Cousins Beach as the beginning notes of a song from the ‘Lover Era’ fills the air.
It reminds me of the night of the concert. The gift basket I received from Susannah for my High School graduation had a pair of Taylor Swift tickets in it. By now we had figured out that she had left a pretty detailed list for Adam, who so far was doing a pretty good job at fulfilling all of her wishes. Of course I took Jeremiah and of course he brought his camera. He was taking photography classes at Finch so he brought that thing everywhere with him. He wasn’t shy at all about asking the people around us to take our picture. He knew how much this meant to me and wanted to make sure that we documented every bit of it. Little did I know that Jeremiah had made plans of his own for after the concert. He drove us to the beach and parked at the front edge of the parking lot. The headlights made the surface of the water sparkle like diamonds. “I wanted to give you the perfect night,” he said as he drew me close, placing one hand on the small of my back and the other with mine right over his heart. We danced to the sound of waves gently lapping against the shore under a canopy of stars and streetlights, and when he kissed me…well, we ended up in the back seat of the jeep drunk on something stronger than the drinks at the bar.
“I hope I never lose you,” I said as I rested my forehead against his, catching my breath, ‘I’d never be able to come back here again.” My fingertips trailed up and down his back. “I have memories with you everywhere. All over Cousins. The places we used to hang out. Every square inch has a memory of you in it.” A surge of emotion rose to the surface, pricking my eyes with tears. My voice broke, “I’m scared of losing you and what would happen to this place if you ever left me. Everything would be a painful reminder of… this . What we have.” His hands cupped my face, thumbs wiping tears away from my cheeks as they fell. “You have my whole heart, Jeremiah Fisher. I’ll never be able to open my heart to anyone else. Not like this. I am absolutely and insanely in love with you.” It was the first time that I had ever said it out loud.
“I’m in love with you too. You’re not going to lose me, okay? Not ever.”
I lifted my hands to his chest, warm and solid under my palms, his pulse drumming against my fingers. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him, brushing his tongue across my bottom lip. I tilted my head and deepened the kiss. We had kissed a lot, but never like this. Everything else faded away. I only heard Jeremiah. My name on his lips, his breath skating along my skin. I dropped my hands to his waist, my fingers feeling the warm skin at the small of his back, muscles tense under my touch as I pulled him even closer.
“You might want to roll up your window.”
“What?”
He nods toward the drops on the windshield and flicks the wipers on. Streaks of water spread out in front of him, making it worse. “And it looks like my windshield wiper needs to be replaced.” He takes his sunglasses off and lays them on the dash. “There's one solitary cloud in the sky and it chose this exact moment to open up and dump itself on us.”
“It could be worse. We could be caught in a torrential downpour. Not that I would mind being stranded on the side of the road with you for a bit.”
“Yeah? You wanna re-live some memories, Bells?”
“Some of them.” Not all of them.
The wipers flicked back and forth in a steady rhythm, hardly keeping up with the sheets of rain blanketing the windshield. It was just a pop up shower, which was good since we had plans to host friends from Finch for the day and we hoped to be able to give them the full Cousins Beach experience. Jeremiah pulled into the driveway and cut the engine.
“Stay here,” he said, shrugging off his jacket. “I’m gonna come and get you.”
I watched him make his way around the front of the jeep and open my door. I grabbed as many bags as I could carry and when I stepped out he wrapped his jacket around my shoulders and we bolted for the door. As soon as we were inside we stripped down to our underwear and threw our clothes in the washer before racing to the shower.
We had been together long enough to learn just about everything there is to know about a person. I learned things about him that I hadn’t known before, like the fact that he suffered from seasonal allergies, we didn’t always share the same taste in music, or food for that matter, and he enjoyed smoking weed and playing video games with his friends from time to time. We memorized each other’s quirks, which only drew us closer than ever before.
We also memorized every inch of each others’ skin.
So later, when our friends were all gathered around in a circle on the deck beside the pool playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ and Mara said, “hooked up at The Pelican,” I was not prepared for what came next. Jeremiah froze beside me. He looked like he was going to be sick. Slowly…hesitantly…he raised his cup to his lips and took a sip. The blood in my veins turned to ice as my mind registered everything at once. Across the circle Lacie also took a drink. And there was this fleeting look between them. It happened so fast there was no way anybody else saw it, but I did. I couldn’t unsee it. My voice was stone cold, “When.” It was a question but it came out as a statement. I had so many questions. How was she even there?
Everyone was silent.
He reached for my shoulder.
“Don’t touch me.” I said it quietly. I was already embarrassed enough. I wasn’t going to scream or yell or storm out of there like a twelve year old. Even if a part of me wanted to.
“Belly.” His voice was shaky. “It was when we broke up.”
“What for like five minutes?” The world around me was spinning. I felt dizzy. Slowly and carefully, I rose to my feet on unsteady legs.
“Belly, don’t leave. Let me explain.”
“I need a minute. Don’t follow me.”
So he didn’t. As much as I knew it was killing him not to, he didn’t. He had always prioritized my choices, my decisions. He never pushed himself on me. It was part of how I knew he truly loved me. At least I thought he did.
Tears streamed down my face as I made my way to Jeremiah’s room, which had also become my room. I shut the door behind me.
Visions flooded my mind.
Conrad on his hands and knees on the living room floor in front of the fireplace, the look on his face, my hands on either side as I counted him through a round of box breathing, “inhale 1…2…3…4, hold 1…2…3…4, exhale 1…2…3…4.” Conrad’s nod. My whisper, “that’s it. You got it.” Conrad’s eyes over my shoulder causing me to turn and follow his gaze. Jeremiah. Standing in the doorway looking shocked, and hurt, and…hopeless. I hadn’t seen that look on his face since the Deb Ball.
“Is he okay?” Jeremiah came closer.
“Yeah.”
It was a mix of my voice and Conrad’s at the same time.
“Can I do anything?”
“I’m fine, Jere.”
Conrad was absolutely not fine. And apparently Jeremiah didn’t even know about Conrad’s panic attacks because Conrad had never bothered to tell him.
It was a mess. I knew how it looked to him. It looked like his worst fears had come true. He wanted to be the one to comfort his brother and honestly he should have been, but Conrad had never allowed to be. It wasn’t fair. And there I was again in the crossfire.
The top on the box of Jeremiah’s insecurities was flipped wide open and there was nothing that I could do about it. Nothing that I could say or do to make it better.
We fought.
We broke up.
We got back together a week later.
I never thought to ask him if anything happened with anyone else. Why would I? I figured he was as devastated as I was and just needed time and space to process. I couldn’t have even thought about kissing anyone that week, let alone whatever else hooking up might mean…I didn’t even want to think about that, even if technically it would have been, ‘none of his business.’
The Jeremiah I knew would never hurt me like that.
I was all in. And I had thought that he was all in too. He had never given me a reason to doubt it. Until that very moment.
Before I knew it I was calling a taxi to come get me and packing up as much stuff as I could fit in my bags.
When my ride arrived I pushed out the front door, threw my bags into the back seat of the car, and climbed in. I watched out the window as the beach house faded from view. But even that didn’t feel like an escape because my eyes were drawn to the path along the road that we had ridden our bikes on as kids. Everywhere I turned there was something that reminded me of him. Fresh tears pooled in my eyes and overflowed, trailing down my cheeks.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. The selfie we took together the day we frolicked around Finch for the first time lit up my screen. I ran my thumb over his lips. Swiped right.
“Hello?”
“Belly, where are you? Are you okay? Your bags. Where? Are you leaving me?”
“You couldn’t have told me? This thing-”
“There was no ‘thing!’”
“Whatever it was. It was months ago! I had to find out in front of our friends! Oh my god, Jere. I thought we…” It came like a squeak. I held my breath as the sobs racked my entire body. I willed myself to be calm, to get the words out. “You mean more to me than that.”
“I’m so sorry.” He was crying too. “It was just a kiss and it didn’t mean anything . I swear. I was crushed. And pissed. At myself. At you. At Conrad. I got shit faced drunk. It was a mistake. I know that’s no excuse. It’s just-” His voice broke. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you. I’ve never been in love with anyone but you. Don’t leave. Please don’t leave me again, Belly. I love you so much. It’s always been you for me."
“…”
“Do you still love me?”
“Yes.”
“Please come back.”
I already missed him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
So I asked the cabbie to turn around before we hit the tunnel.
By the time I got back, the jeep was the only vehicle in the driveway. Our friends were gone and Jeremiah was outside waiting for me. He looked hopeful and devastated. He ran to the car, threw open the door, grabbed my bags and tipped the taxi driver. Then he crashed into me, hugging me as tight as he could, like if he let go even an inch, I might disappear.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he said into my neck. “I’m sorry you found out like that. I know I hurt us and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you, if you let me. He took my face in his hands and peppered me with kisses, pressing his lips to each tear one by one as it fell. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry for hurting you, Bells.”
I had lost him once. Twice actually. And I realized at that moment that no matter what happened , I never wanted to lose him again. He was who I wanted with me in the end.
I melted into him. “I’m sorry for leaving.”
A few hours later we climbed onto the roof to watch the sun set. It was a relatively new tradition for us. One we had started as adults. We liked that it gave us a ‘bird’s eye view’. A different perspective on the world around us. From there we could see all of our favorite places all at once.
As the sun sank over the water he leaned in and kissed me and I arched into him. His hands were everywhere, my shoulders, back, up and down my arms, in my hair. I didn’t want him to stop.
“Marry me,” he whispered against my lips.
I leaned back. “What did you just say?”
His eyes were serious. Determined.
“Isabel Conklin, I don’t ever want to be without you. Ever. You’re the only one for me. I’ve always known it. In this whole world I will never love anyone the way I love you. It’s been our story all along. Nobody Else’s. Yours and mine. And no matter where the rest of the story goes I want it to end with you.”
Everything that had happened earlier in the day faded away as the reality of what was happening finally settled in.
“Will you marry me?”
I traced my fingers along his cheekbones. I knew his face well, maybe even better than I knew my own. I didn’t want to wake up one day and see a mark and not know how it got there.
“I’ve been saving for a ring,” he said. “ If you say yes we can go shopping tomorrow. I want you to be able to pick the one you want.”
“Yes! Yes, I will marry you!”
He pressed his lips to my ring finger.
I don’t know how long we kissed, but when my stomach growled, Jere pulled away chuckling.
“Hungry, Bells?”
And even that brought fresh tears to my eyes. It was like the dam had broken and I couldn’t stop it. It seemed silly, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t just about the question. It was everything. How well he knew me. Everything we had been through. How I could trust him to take care of me. To love me no matter what.
“Let’s go get you something to eat. I can’t have my girl being hungry.”
Sunlight hits my wedding ring and casts shimmering light around the interior of the car like a mirrorball.
“We’re here,” Jeremiah announces.
The driveway is full of vehicles.
I flip the visor down for the mirror and glide fresh lipstick around my lips, smooth them together. Pucker. Flip the visor back up.
Slowly, I turn to face him. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“We made this decision together, Bells. No regrets. As long as you’re sure this is what you want too?”
“Yeah, it feels right.”
He reaches into the back seat for the gift we brought and the flowers. As he stretches, the buttons he left open on his shirt this morning give me an eye full of skin that I really want to touch. With my mouth.
“Bells.”
“Huh?”
He chuckles. “Stay focused.” He’s holding out the gift for me.
I take it, “Sorry. I got distracted. It’s your fault though”
“How’s that?”
I motioned up and down. “Because you’re so… you!”
He laughs. “Well, you’re you too and I can see through your white tank top so…we’re even. Game face on tonight babe.”
Butterflies. He still gives me butterflies.
I step out of the car and smooth out the black ruffles of my skirt. He holds my hand and walks me to the door, rings the doorbell.
I hear the sound of footsteps coming toward the door, and then it opens.
She’s beautiful. I’ve seen pictures, but they didn’t do her justice. She’s even more vibrant in person. Blonde hair, blue eyes. She’s wearing a lacy white sundress with rouching over the bodice. She reminds me of… Susannah . A wave of emotion to washes over me.
“Isabel and Jeremiah! Welcome! Come in!” She steps aside to let us through and leads us to the kitchen. We stop at the island. The calendar on the refrigerator is full of birthdays, anniversaries, meetings, and things like dress shopping, venue tours, and cake testing.
“These flowers are beautiful, thank you,” she says, taking them from Jeremiah and raising them to her nose. She reaches for the present I’m holding. “Let me just take these to the gift table. I’ll be right back.” She disappears into the living room toward the sound of voices and laughter.
“Would you like some raspberry tea?” she asks when she walks back into the kitchen, moving with grace and confidence, making it look effortless.
“Tea sounds great, thank you.”
“Honey?”
Jeremiah looks at me. His cheeks look like mine feel. He rubs his chin.
I look straight into his eyes, “I would love some actually,” I say.
Suddenly it's just us…years ago…barefoot in the kitchen. I’m wearing Jeremiah’s t-shirt. Only Jeremiah’s t-shirt. Our honey debacle made the Kool Aid debacle look like child's play.
“Where’s Conrad?” Jeremiah asks.
“He’s out on the deck at the grill. Here-” She opens the fridge and brings out two beers. “He’s been out there a while so he’s probably needing one of these right about now.” She winks.
Jeremiah takes both glass bottles in one hand. He puts his free hand on the small of my back and leans down to whispers in my ear, “I love you. Have fun.” He presses his lips to my neck and taps me on the butt.
Agnes looks thoroughly amused.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” I ask.
A few hours later Conrad and Agnes take their seats at the front of the room to open wedding presents. As I look around there are some people that I recognize and many I don’t. The living room looks the same, but different. Conrad’s guitar sits propped up against the wall in the corner and it makes me wonder if he ever serenades her in front of the fireplace. That would be so sweet of him. I bet he does.
It’s been a while since we’ve been back. Not that we couldn’t have come, it’s our house too. We’ve just been…busy.
My heartbeat picks up when I see the Matron of Honor, who was introduced to us as Agnes’s sister, pass her the gift we brought.
Jeremiah squeezes my hand.
Conrad holds the gift in his lap while Agnes reads the tag, “this is from Jeremiah and Isabel.” She takes the tissue paper out of the bag. “Chateau Lafite Rothschild?! Are you kidding?! Oh my gosh, thank you!”
“Yeah, thanks guys.” He looks uncomfortable being the center of attention in a room full of people. Good thing Agnes seems to be the queen of hospitality and has enough congeniality for the both of them. I’m happy he has her.
Still, I hear Susannah’s voice in my head telling me to take care of him even though it’s not my responsibility anymore. It never really was. I can’t believe I was just sixteen years old when she asked me to do that. I try to help him feel less awkward, “We picked that out for you when we went wine tasting in the Loire Valley Castles and the vineyards at the Château de Nitray near Paris last summer.”
“There’s one more gift in there for you too.” Jere says.
Agnes puts the wine down in the basket beside her feet with the other opened gifts and digs through the bag, pulls out the little black box.
It all happens in slow motion.
Agnes lifts the lid.
They both stare at what’s inside.
Conrad’s voice breaks, “No way. You can’t.”
He gently pulls our keys to the beach house out of the box and holds them up.
“We can,” I say smiling.
“And don’t worry, we just bought ourselves a little Vrbo down the beach. You’re not getting rid of us that easily,” Jeremiah adds.
Conrad’s eyes are glassy.
“Mom would be so happy, Conrad.” The tenderness in Jeremiah’s voice makes my heart ache and soar at the same time.
I fell in love with a boy, but I’m even more in love with the man he has become.
The clock on the dash reads 7:00 when we pull into the driveway of the little cottage we get to call our own. The plan is to visit whenever we can and rent it out to honeymooners and families whenever we aren’t here. This is what we do now. When Jeremiah gained access to his trust fund, he decided to invest it in a way that allowed us to turn our love for travel and adventure into a profitable business venture combining our hard-earned degrees in hospitality and finance. We’ve picked up a few new skills along the way too. Jeremiah is pretty great with power tools, which comes in handy when renovations are needed, and I’ve become a badass at interior decorating. I’m also currently in the process of getting my real estate license.
It took us a while to find the place we wanted. We searched for months. But then we saw a picture of the view of the cottage from the beach at golden hour with a roof deck, perfect for watching the sunset, so we took a closer look. This one was different from the others. There weren’t layers of cottages packed in like sardines on all sides, it was private. Secluded even. Quiet. And as an added bonus, it had a guest house so we could offer our friends and family a place to stay when they came to visit.
Then we saw a picture of shells someone had collected laying on the deck and a picture of two Adirondack chairs and an outdoor fireplace pointed toward the ocean. It reminded us of our moms and that’s when we knew this was the one.
This was the place where we could see ourselves raising our own summer babies one day.
“You have the keys?” Jeremiah asks.
I open the glovebox and pull out the little manila envelope. “Yep, right here.”
We don’t even bother to bring our bags in with us. We can get them later.
A wooden pathway leads us beside a garden arch adorned with a blanket of vines and blooming flowers of all kinds. There are pots full of various plants on either side and the ground beneath is covered in petals. There’s an outdoor sitting area with wooden furniture that will look a lot better when Jeremiah is done with it and bushes that I will need to tame, but the window boxes full of flowers under the white trimmed windows and the grey cedar shake siding promise that when we’re done with it, this place will feel like home.
We take the steps up to the door and when we’re there I pull one of the keys out of the envelope. It’s not the first time we’ve been here, but it’s the first time being here since it became ours. This feels big. Another new beginning for us.
I push the key into the door and wait for Jeremiah to turn the handle. We walk straight through the kitchen to the living area and out the back door.
I stop on the terrace and watch him remove his shoes and walk down the stairs into the sand out toward the water.
He turns and waits for me, bathed in warmth and light.
We’ve come so far.
If I ever lost him, I’d never trust love or vulnerability again. I’d never be able to open myself up like this for anyone else. It would be too painful.
I take off my shoes and walk toward him.
He stands still, watching me.
With trembling hands, I unwrap my scarf and let it sail away in the breeze. I lift my shirt over my head and drop it in the sand. Unzip my skirt and feel it slide down my legs, step out of it. I keep walking. I want him to see me. All of me.
I undo the clasps of my bra and let it slip down my arms, remove the last piece of fabric until I’m naked in front of him.
I want to show him how much I love him.
I undo the clips holding my hair as I get closer. Close enough now to see every line and curve, the little bump on his nose from when he broke it surfing, every freckle and every shade of blue in his eyes. Everything I feel spills over.
“When I look into your eyes I see it,” I say as I trace the constellations on his face, “you don’t just see who I used to be. You see the right now me and you love me anyway. I don’t want to lose you.” I fight back tears. “If I did, I'd never run into the ocean again.”
When he leans down and kisses me, I taste the faintest hint of beer on his lips. The light stubble on his cheek sends a chill down my spine and the soft sigh that escapes him resonates in me like a melody harmonizing with the waves lapping against the shore. The scent of the ocean mixed with his cedarwood cologne fills my senses.
Jeremiah pulls away first and undresses in record speed, then holds my hand as we run into the ocean.
