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The waiting room is so quiet that Tommy can hear the bright overhead lights buzzing. He can hear the whirring of the A/C unit blowing out the icy cold air… making him regret not wearing his usual layers. He can hear Evan’s slow steady breathing, that is far too calm given the magnitude of the reason they are here now– sitting in this so-quiet-its-making-mundane-noises-seem-loud waiting room.
“Hey… j- just breathe,” Evan says softly, resting a hand on Tommy’s bouncing knee.
“I am breathing, Evan…” Tommy bites back, not meaning to do so with such venom… but his nerves are going haywire and he is very much on edge. He sighs, turning his head to meet Evan’s eye. “Sorry…” he adds. “It’s just… I’m–”
“Nervous?” Evan guesses.
“Terrified…” Tommy corrects.
At that Evan’s eyes go all soft and sympathetic in the way that soothes Tommy’s heart, and grounds him. He leans over and presses a kiss to Tommy’s forehead, pulling back to give him a warm and comforting smile before leaning back in to kiss his lips. “It’s going to be okay… okay?”
“You don’t know–”
“And you don’t either…” Evan is quick to interject. He brings a hand up to cup Tommy’s cheek, stroking a thumb over his cheekbone before pressing their foreheads together. “And even if it’s not, I’m here… We’ll get through it together, just like before.”
Tommy closes his eyes, and leans into Evan’s touch. He knows he is right; they will be fine regardless of how this appointment goes… That doesn’t stop his heart from yearning for good news, and his brain from bracing for bad.
*
(then)
They hadn’t been trying the first time. They had just been enjoying each other: each other's bodies, each other's presence. The presence was short lived… the breakup was torture. To Evan as much as it had been to Tommy– which he learned after their reconciliation.
Their reconciliation, unfortunately, only came to be in the aftermath of tragedy. They hadn’t been trying the first time… but the first time happened regardless, and then it ended as sudden as it began. Before it could even truly begin. Before they even could process it together—
Instead they were left to process their grief together. “I don’t want to miss you anymore,” Evan had said as he held Tommy… and Tommy felt the same. So they picked up the broken pieces of their relationship, now with a missing piece they had to rebuild around— but they did rebuild around it. The resulting work of art was far from a masterpiece but it was still priceless. Even with their missing piece— perhaps even more so because of it— they came out stronger than before.
That strength was tested when Tommy finally came to Evan not quite a year— and one very emotional marriage proposal— later and said he wanted to try again.
“I’m not getting any younger,” he said, trying to make his voice sound light-hearted despite the word’s truth hidden just below the surface. “We can wait until the wedding if you want… but I just— I needed to put it out there. B- Before I—” He was silenced by Evan’s kiss; it was so passionate, so emotionally charged , it took his breath away. “Is that an ‘ okay’ , or…” Tommy laughed against Evan’s lips, leaning back into them as he— very persistently— was walked backwards towards their bedroom.
It happened again so easily.
Tommy feels like it had been too easy— he should have expected it to take a turn… and to all go wrong.
It's very hard to be excited for a wedding when you’re grieving what might have been, and a second loss hits no less powerful than the first.
They were devastated.
They cancelled the wedding, and went down to the courthouse instead… Everyone understood. They had a cookout at Bobby and Athena’s a few weeks later when the pain had dulled to just a constant ache.
Life went on.
*
They tried again.
From it came nothing.
So they tried again.
Again… nothing.
A month became two months, then three… and then a year had passed. Their dream of starting a family went from determination, to desperation… and ended in despair. Stick after stick after stupid little plastic stick, all giving the same discouraging single line result.
Still… They didn’t give up.
They sought out other options. There were plenty of other options. They talked with Hen and Karen about fostering. They looked into the costs of adopting or a surrogate… But Tommy wanted, more than anything, to carry the baby himself. He was so mad at his body for failing him— for failing Evan… mostly he was mad at his body for failing the two children they lost.
Evan found him on the porch swing, an IVF brochure in his hand, more paperwork discussing the insane costs and procedures on the swing next to him. There were plenty of options… but all those options were pricey, or had waiting lists, or both… and none of them were full proof. A tear fell from his eye; Evan caught it before it got very far. Tommy fought weakly against Evan turning his face towards him. “We’ll figure something out.”
“We wouldn’t have to if I wasn’t—” Tommy’s voice trailed off as he gestured wildly at his body— clearly broken… he thought.
“Tommy stop.” Evan sighed, and picked up Tommy’s hand, brushing a thumb over his wedding band.
“I just want to be able to give you this… Me— but…” his lip trembled, he looked away. Evan pulled him into his arms, and Tommy let the brochure slip from his hands and fall to the porch floor.
*
Forty two years (nowhere near) young. Honestly he hasn’t felt young… ever.
His birthday was spent being spoiled by Evan and ended with a big dinner at Bobby and Athena’s. Everyone was there. The 118. The 217. Spouses and children and friends.
Tommy forced the biggest happiest smile he could possibly manage onto his face. He didn’t want any of them to think he was anything less than eternally grateful for the family he finally had in everyone gathered around the Grant-Nash back patio. Even if he and Evan never got to build upon it themselves… he was so grateful to just be a part of it.
When it came time for cake they repeated an idea Bobby declared would become a Tommy tradition– everyone made him a different flavor of cake. Tommy sat in front of half a dozen thin slices– thin because Evan cut them instead of Tommy… or they would not have been thin!– and thought this is maybe the best birthday gift ever!
He was at least three slices in when he noticed how quiet everyone was being– he still finished the slice he was on before he questioned it. “Okay… which one of you is dying?” He wipes the crumbs and frosting from his mouth and gives the suspicious looking crowd equally suspicious narrow eyes.
Bobby was the first to break the silence. “Au contraire…” he said with a smirk as Athena handed him a card, and he held it out to Tommy. His other hand went up, quieting Tommy before he could start about how no one needed to get him anything. “It’s from everyone,” Bobby said, stepping back to Athena’s side once Tommy took the card. Every single face in the house twitched– all of them clearly holding back smiles.
He was not prepared.
He could have never been prepared for what was inside that card.
A check.
Made out to the clinic they were planning on going with– for more than enough to cover the dreadful highlighted amount that a round of IVF was going to cost them. Tommy blinked down at it for a moment… feeling like if he took his eyes off the check it might disappear. “I– I don’t know what to– You– You didn’t have to– Why would you all–” Words failed him, as did the oxygen in his lungs… making each breath feel harder to draw in. Evan took the check and sat it on the table, instructing him to please breathe before he passed out.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Bobby smiled, answering his broken up questions. “We had to get you something… and you might just be the most difficult person to shop for–” Tommy laughed around the hand tightly covering his trembling lips. “–so we decided to go a little more sentimental… because your family, and you two deserve this chance. We love you!”
Evan tightened his arm around Tommy. He was crying but not as much as he should have been given what they just received. “Did you know?!”
“Well…” Evan said sheepishly; Tommy’s eyes widened. “Only recently, b- because they needed to know where to make the check out to… Athena threatened me with death if I said anything to you.” Athena smirked and Tommy could only imagine how very serious she had been with said threat.
He laughed, and lifted the check back up. He had been wrong– this was the greatest gift he could have ever been given. “Thank you…” he said, looking around at everyone.
*
IVF was hell.
Not that Tommy expected it to be anything short of just that. He had talked to Karen… he had done research, and listened to Evan info dump enough to overload his brain.
And yet he still struggled.
The painful shots, the extreme hormones, the intense anxiety, the overwhelming stress… the overall fear it would all be for noting. Tommy felt like he was close to drowning– up on his tiptoes just barely keeping his face above the water. But everytime it felt like it was too much… Evan was there. Pulling him out of the water and into the safety of his loving embrace. Then there was his family… showing up on the hard days with their encouragement, and support; lending a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to whatever he needed to say.
The egg retrieval day came. The wait for news on how many viable eggs they had was just as nerve wracking.
The call was not what they had hoped for.
He had three.
Of the dozen they took. He only had three that were able to be fertilized. The doctor did her best to be positive, and hopeful… but Tommy felt numb.
They implanted them anyway… and a new waiting game began; one that included daily testing starting fourteen days after implantation.
Negatives.
Negatives.
Negatives…
And then–
“Evan!” Tommy gasped. He clung to Evan’s arm and stared at the test between them. Two lines. Evan helped him sit down on the toilet and then they held each other and cried. He was pregnant. They were pregnant.
*
(now)
“Buckley-Kinard.”
“That’s, uh– That’s me!” Tommy says, hoping he doesn’t sound as terrified as he feels.
The nurse gives him a warm smile, and Evan keeps an arm wrapped firmly around him as they follow her into the back. She checks his weight, his blood pressure and gets a urine sample and some blood work; then she leads him to the exam room.
It’s chilly, but Tommy is practically vibrating to the point Evan offers his jacket. Tommy laughs and declines but does request Evan hold his hand. It helps!
An older doctor walks in with all her years of experience visible through the many wrinkles on her face– her words… a wrinkle for every patient that has ever been in my care, she said. “I wear them so you all don’t have to!” She beams up at Tommy, where he is towering over the small woman from his seat on the exam table, and pats his knee. “Now… let’s see what we have here… Hmm–” she stares at the paper over the top of her glasses, then furrows her brows and pushes them up the bridge of her nose to look through them. Tommy tightens his grip on Evan’s hand. “Hmmm…” she repeats and Tommy feels ready to pass out from the stress her ominous humming is causing. “Three fertilized embryos were implanted…” she says, not so much a question… before nodding to herself and answering, “yes…”
Evan rubs over Tommy’s back with the hand not being squeezed into oblivion, and clears his throat, getting the doctor's attention. “Is– Is there a problem, o- or…”
“Hmm?” She looks up at them and her face morphs into one of shocked realization. “Oh my! I am so sorry! I ramble out loud!! Nothing appears wrong from your tests dear… in fact–” she holds the paper out for Evan and he takes it– as if he has any idea what he is reading. “--you’re HCG levels are very high! That could indicate more than one of the embryos took.” She smiles brightly at them and Tommy finally releases the breath he was holding.
Then the doctor is doing a routine exam and getting them over to radiology for an ultrasound, now with the looming idea there might be multiple babies. Tommy is teetering to and fro on a very thin line of being very excited with what's coming… and being absolutely terrified by it. (Terrified more than he already was… that is.)
He has been here before.
Not exactly this setting… but on a stiff and uncomfortable table, with a wand pressing into the cold gel on his belly. Two times before he couldn’t bring himself to look at the screen. Two times before he knew what he would see if he did. He would see nothing– or… if he did see something, it would be the still and lifeless remains of what they almost had. He keeps his eyes fixated on the tiles lining the ceiling while the tech sets her machine up. He finds faces in the holes of each tile and wonders what their personality might be; moving on autopilot when she instructs him to pull up his shirt and unbutton his jeans. He does so and then quickly re-grabs Evan’s hand.
The press of the wand causes him to flinch more than the cold gel, and the tech apologizes. She glides it back and forth over his belly before stopping in one spot and clicking buttons on the keyboard. She adjusts the wand, and clicks, adjusts the wand and clicks– again and again and again. “Hmm…” she hums, and Tommy could scream.
“Uh– what– what is it?” Evan dares to ask; Tommy has half a mind to plug his ears. The tech makes a strange noise. “Is there more than one?”
A pause. Then– “Yeah…”
At that Tommy moves his head, still avoiding the screen but looking at the tech. “Oh my god…” he gasps the moment he sees her shocked expression. “All three took, didn’t they?”
She nods, but her brows fly up and Tommy knows there’s something more to this reaction. The tech twists the wand, staring intently at the screen and then clicks a button. She turns the screen to them and Tommy is met with the stilled grainy image before he can look away. Not that he knows what he’s looking at. Evan’s furrowed brows and scrunched up face indicates he doesn’t know either.
So she explains what it is they are looking at.
“This is one sac,” she tells them, pointing to the screen– running her finger around the outline of a little dark circle. “This–” she continues. “–is the fetus.” She points to a little bean shaped thing in the corner of the sac. Their little bean. Their baby .
But then his eyes shift. In the second sac there are two little beans. “Wait…” Tommy gasps, moving his eyes to the last sac…
Beside him Evan sways; their hands are still intertwined by their fingers, it appears to be the only tether keeping him standing. Tommy thinks he might hear a string of stuttered curses and questions… but his eyes are still locked on the screen. On the last sac…
…with three more little beans inside it.
Tommy stares at the screen. He can barely hear the tech’s question— “ Do multiples run in either of your families.”
Tommy manages to shake his head, unable to look away from the screen. Even if they did run in the family, this is next level… It’s completely— unexpected doesn’t even seem like a strong enough word; terrifying seems too harsh.
He is scared, of course. But not as scared as he should be after such a life altering shock. All he can think about is— “Are— Are they okay?” Tommy finally lowers his hand from where it had been covering his mouth that had come unhinged, and was just hanging open… his lip still is trembling. “A- All of them? Are they all—” alive… he wants to add but he can’t bring himself to say it.
The tech smiles, presses a couple buttons on the machine and the frozen image begins to move again. Each bean wiggles, and stretches, and Tommy’s heart clenches at the sight. She moves the wand around giving them a good look at each one. Then she twists a knob, presses another button and an echoed whooshing fills the room. Heartbeats. Strong and steady… all six of them.
“Evan…” Tommy’s voice comes out small. He squeezes Evan’s hand, still unable to look away from the screen. “This—” the little beans blur more than the grainy monitor screen already is making them as tears fill Tommy’s eyes. “Is this really happening…”
He finally breaks away from the screen to look at Evan, who looks like he is in shock (which is understandable) but is smiling at the screen. The smile turns into a laugh— almost crazed… still understandably— and he leans down to Tommy so he can kiss his forehead and nose and cheeks and tear soaked eyelids… then finally his lips. “It’s happening sweetheart,” he says softly. “I— I can’t believe it but it’s real. They’re real.”
At that Tommy laughs too. He has cried enough that even the happy, excited, and so so grateful tears are running out— what’s left to do but laugh. They look at each other, and then back at the screen— at the little beans— and they laugh.
And laugh.
And laugh.
*
They host the next family dinner.
Tommy sits at the head of the table— no one even knows he’s pregnant yet (much less just how pregnant he is), and Evan is going to give it away if he keeps insisting Tommy can’t lift a finger, or stand too long, or move too fast. In all honesty Tommy is expecting to be wrapped in bubble wrap and monitored by his husband 24/7 before too much longer.
Everyone arrives, and Tommy watches the excited bounce in Evan’s step as he gathers them into the dining room and instructs them all to sit down, before handing out six envelopes. One to Bobby and Athena, one to Maddie and Howie, one to Hen and Karen, one to Eddie and Ravi, one to Sal, and one to Lucy.
“What’s this?” Bobby asks, brows pulling together with a curious— but almost knowing— glint in his eye.
“J- Just open it and— and find out!” Evan laughs, now back to standing beside Tommy, with his hand resting on Tommy’s shoulder. They all look at each other then one by one begin to open the envelopes. Six thank you cards are pulled out of each one… Maddie is the first to gasp when Howie opens their card and she sees the ultrasound picture. Lucy follows close behind then Karen.
“Oh my goodness,” Athena says softly, lifting the one from their card up to see better. Surprise ! is written across the top of each picture. She traces her finger over the bold underlined letters. “Congratulations you two.”
“Awww!” Karen laughs dabbing at her eyes. “They look like a little bean!”
“That’s what I said!” Tommy replies.
“A little Kinley Bean… if you will!” Howie chimes in and even though Tommy rolls his eyes at their combined name Howie has been trying to make happen since back before they even split up… it actually has a cute ring to it. Their little Kinley Beans.
There is a low rumble of voices as everyone talks over each other; giving congratulations, and sharing advice and stories and excitement. Tommy reaches up and grabs Evan’s hand… and they just wait.
It’s Ravi who finally asks. “Uh, why is there an F on ours?”
“F?!” Sal responds first. “Huh… mine has a C.”
“Wait,” Maddie gasps softly, looking at hers and Howie’s picture Tommy knows has an A.
“Isn’t that how they label multiples?” Lucy chimes in, and Tommy can practically hear their collective gears turning. Bobby has a smile spreading across his face, as he looks at their picture. He shakes his head and chuckles.
“Wait…” Maddie repeats.
Hen and Karen look at their picture then at Eddie and Ravi’s. “These are different images too…” Hen points out. She turns the two so the others can see. One labeled D, the other F.
“W- Wait!!” Maddie sniffles, looking up from their picture towards Evan and Tommy. “Are you two serious right now?!”
“Hmm…” Sal hums, and scratches his head. “If they label babies with letters… and these two had F… F is the sixth letter…”
“Ay, Dios Mio…” Eddie mutters under his breath. “Six babies?!”
“Six babies!” Evan repeats, and with that the low rumble turns into a loud rawr.
*
Later that night, Tommy is laid back on a mountain of pillows meticulously built by Evan. Meanwhile Evan is halfway down the bed, his face up close and pressing kisses into Tommy’s belly. “I love you,” he says, kissing a spot, then moves slightly. “—and you—” another kiss. “— and you, and you—” kiss, kiss… “—and you, and you!” Six kisses for six little beans. Tommy can’t contain the way it makes his heart swell up with a happiness that is so overwhelming it starts spilling out with a laugh and more tears.
“That is gonna become a thing, isn’t it?”
“Oh absolutely,” Evan beams up at him. “Every chance I get I am going to shower my seven favorite people with all my love.” Tommy laughs again— they went from not knowing if they would ever even be a family of three… and now they are a family of eight . EIGHT!?
They have an important appointment In a couple days with Tommy’s doctor to get jump started on putting together a birth team. He will have multiple check ups a week and at many ultrasounds. He has been forewarned with this many babies he needs to prepare for a premature birth… which is terrifying. He is also prepared for endless needle pokes, and vital checks. He is prepared for the normal pregnancy symptoms he was expecting to now be far more extreme, and he can imagine his emotions are going to be all over the place! But he’s never been so ready for something in his entire life.
Tommy tugs Evan up the bed to lay next to him. He twists and turns until he they are holding each other, then he leans in for a kiss of his own. “I love you,” he sighs, and for the first time in… years really— and regardless of the uncertainty that lies ahead… he finally feels like he can breathe a little easier.