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“The rain’s getting heavier.”
Taerae sits by the window, staring out into the night. He watches the droplets run down the glass. Each one catches the light of the city beyond the hotel room. It’s picked up in the last hour and the roaring sound of it is so loud that it drowns out the sounds of cars and people.
Matthew folds his towel and places it on the bed. He only half looks at Taerae when he speaks. “We could still go out.”
“It’s too heavy,” Taerae replies.
“Can we please go out?” Matthew begs softly.
“I don’t want to, okay?” Taerae replies sharply.
Matthew looks at him fully now. The other man is curled up by the hotel's large window, staring at the rain. His knees are brought up to his chest, and he grips them tightly. His shoulders are shrugged towards his ears and moves heavily with each breath.
He doesn’t look at Matthew.
When did things get like this?
The rain continues to fall, slamming into the glass. Taerae watches it, and Matthew watches Taerae.
The silence has come back.
Matthew used to like the silence between them, but now they make him feel like he’s choking. He wants to say something, anything, but he can’t form the words. The rain would probably drown him out anyway.
Instead of speaking, Matthew crosses the room and climbs onto the seat by the window, facing Taerae. The other doesn’t look at him but moves his legs so he can fit. Together, they stare out into the night and watch the raindrops. Matthew’s eyes follow a particularly large droplet from the top of the window all the way to the bottom.
“Do you remember when we first came to Tokyo together?” Matthew asks suddenly.
“I do,” Taerae replies. He isn’t quite smiling but he also doesn’t look sad, either.
Matthew, hopeful, nudges Taerae with his foot. “It was when we first-”
“Kissed,” Taerae supplies. “I know. I remember.”
With that, any joy Taerae may have held drains instantly. It’s strange. A kiss should be a happy memory. It was for Matthew.
They had been dancing around it all for months when it happened. Matthew, sick of aimless flirting and meaningless touches, had booked them a trip to Tokyo. He’d thought that sharing a room and ‘accidentally’ sharing a bed would be the catalyst they needed to finally take the next step. Although Matthew had thought he was in control, it was Taerae who did it. As soon as they were in the hotel room, he had turned on Matthew and pinned him against the wall kissing him stupid.
They moved fast. Their first kiss tumbled into a first time. For weeks it seemed they couldn’t get enough of each other. Soon enough it was promise rings and moving in together. It had seemed like nothing could go wrong for them.
But then… Maybe they were naive.
The honeymoon phase ended without them realising. Sex grew less and less frequent and when they did do it, it was silent. Taerae would always look somewhere else and stare off into the distance until he came. But… so what if the spark was fading?
They fought about it once.
They hadn’t touched since.
Every couple fights. So what if sometimes they lost their cool and screamed at each other over the dishes? Yeah, sometimes they would yell over things that didn’t matter until they were just yelling for the sake of it, but that was normal. It was normal to pick on things, get bothered by things, and want nothing more than to want your partner to just be normal about things for once.
It was one of these fights that led to this trip. Taerae had snapped at Matthew and called him a name for not loading the dishwasher properly and Matthew had smashed a bowl on the ground and shouted something unkind back.
They both stared at that broken bowl, shattered into sharp pieces.
They apologised to each other while they picked up the shards.
“I want to fix things,” Matthew had said. He didn’t say what he really meant: I want to fix us.
“Maybe we should go on a trip,” Taerae had suggested.
Matthew expected it to fix things. He’d seen it once, in a drama. The broken couple goes on a trip and falls back in love. That was meant to happen.
Instead, all they do is stare at the rain out the window.
Matthew looks at his boyfriend. “Taerae…”
For the first time, Taerae looks back at him. “What is it?”
Matthew bites his lip and swallows down the lump in his throat. “Can you please just try, Taerae?"
Taerae puts down his knees and exhales. “I am trying.”
Because sitting by the window and moping is trying.
Because refusing to even look at Matthew was trying.
Because purposely booking a room with separate beds was, apparently, trying.
Matthew feels his anger bubbling inside of him and he gets up before he snaps. He can’t stop the bitter words coming from his lips.
“Try harder.”
Taerae also stands. “What do you want from me, Matthew?” he snaps.
“Nothing!” Matthew replies. He shouldn’t have said anything.
Taerae grabs his arm. “Tell me what you want!”
For you to say you love me. He can’t ask for that, though. He looks at Taerae, his bottom lip trembling. “Can you kiss me?”
Taerae’s jaw locks and he lets out a long breath. “Sure. I can do that.”
There’s a finality in that kiss. It makes everything real.
Their lips don’t fit together anymore. Matthew would ask what happened but he knows they haven’t fit for a long time. Their lips touch but there’s distance between them; a distance they both know they can’t close.
Taerae’s kiss is as cold and wet as the rain falling outside, leaving Matthew feeling as bleak and dark as the stormy night sky.
A single tear falls down his cheek.
Just like a raindrop.