Archive of Our Own

The day so far had been odd so to say. Buck had been feeling off kilter ever since he had woken up, his brain felt fuzzy and his movements were sluggish, an unusual feeling even for him on his worst days. However he had been working a few longer shifts recently, using that as an excuse and best guess for his uneasy mood. Luckily there weren’t many jobs that the 118 were needed at that day, so he spent most of the down time organising some of the trucks and working on another recipe to try and impress Bobby (and no definitely not because of a certain person, he had felt he was now over the pilot, he just developed a new passion and knew he was good at it) He hummed softly as he kept washing up the dishes from lunch while everyone had gone back to fulfill their daily duties.

“Oooh fuck” he hissed, a sudden cramp making its way through his stomach, quickly leaving as fast as it came. It felt like a punch to the stomach, not a hard one but enough to leave him slightly short of breath.

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐢𝐫𝐝. He thought to himself.

He stood there, dirty mug still in one hand and the other pressing into his stomach as he tried to rub the feeling away, playing it off due to the lack of food he had that morning due to the slight nausea that sat in the back of his throat. Trying to rationalize the pain, he knew was a big eater normally so it was probably his body’s way of telling him to get back on track or an indicator that he was coming down with something. Buck went back to the dishes, humming a song that had been stuck in his head since early that morning, shoving away the quick to come and go feeling as if it never happened.

It was around 2:30 in the afternoon. There had been barely any calls since the three that were quickly dealt with in the early hours of the day, the team quick to arrive and leave the scenes . Having so little calls made Buck feel a little nervous but luckily no one had dared to utter the cursed word so that tension had seeped a little bit once he thought about it. But the looming anxiety seemed to crawl back up his spine with ease as he yet again felt another ache settle in his stomach, lasting a bit longer than the ones previously.

Okay, maybe it would be a good idea to ask someone to help, he was in a fire station for god's sake plus his best friends were literal paramedics. He knew he should get someone to check him over, but in true Buck fashion, he chose to keep quiet. He sat down at the table, scrolling on his phone, looking up random things to try and distract himself from thinking about the pain.

Around fifteen minutes later, Hen and Chimney straggled up the stairs, laughing and gently shoving at each other as they moved to one of the couches, talking about their kids. They waved at Buck and continued to talk in their own little world. Buck loved seeing their friendship, the teasing and laughter but also through all the heartache and tough times they would always have each other’s backs. He knew that he and Eddie were similar, but deep down he wanted more but never allowed himself the chance to say something, knowing that it could completely ruin their already great relationship and he did not want to lose both Eddie and Christopher so he kept his feelings to himself.

“Hey Buck, could you grab me some water please?” Hen called out, bringing him out of his thoughts. She smiled brightly, and of course Buck couldn’t say no to his other older sister.

“You got it” he beamed back at her.

Buck got up from his spot at the table and bottle from the fridge, but before he could walk over to her and pass it over, Buck was stopped by another sudden onset of cramps. The sharp pains made their way through his gut for what seemed like the fifth time in the last two hours, getting closer with each new wave of pain and lasting longer each time. Buck keeled forward as he tried to hold onto the closest surface, eyes squeezed shut and breathing cautiously through the pain. Hen and Chimney heard the loud thunk of Buck balancing himself and looked over to see the firefighter bent over pressing his forehead into the cold surface of their kitchen bench. The paramedics quickly went into action, Hen holding him up by the waist, the two waited till Buck was able to take proper breaths before they moved him towards the couch. After what felt like the longest minute of his life Buck managed to catch his breath and look up at his coworkers who looked extremely worried at this sudden pain that had come over him.

“Buck, you okay man?” Chim enquired, he had noticed that something had been off with his brother in law for most of the day but due to all different types of paperwork he’d been neglecting and phone calls to Maddie and Jee, he was unable to check up on him until now. He’d barely eaten breakfast and lunch which was very off brand for the man who’d be fighting for seconds while everyone was still eating their firsts. Plus he’d been acting a bit spacey ever since the start of their 24 hour shift. He looked at Hen who shared the same worried look on her face as they watched Buck lean back into the couch releasing a long exhale and covered his stomach with his hand.

“I don’t know man...I’ve had a couple of cramps during the day. and no they weren’t this bad but now….it feels ten times worse” he breathed out once again. His hands were shaking slightly, as he grabbed a water bottle that Hen had managed to bring over and drank it like he was dying of thirst.

“Nothing else acting up? Like your leg or heart, a previous injury?” Hen questioned as she checked him over briefly, feeling his forehead checking in case of a fever. Buck shook his head as he sat himself up more comfortably on the couch placing a cushion behind his back. Which was now starting to tense with pressure that hadn’t been present before, making the man feel more panicked.

“No it’s not that, it’s my stomach, and now my back is sore so i have no clue what it could be” Buck explained, the two paramedics looked at each other in concern then back to the man in question. His face was flushed, head resting in his hand that was propped up on the arm rest of the couch. Taking slow deep breaths, he closed his eyes, the lights feeling too much for his brain to process.

“Alright Chim, can you go get a med kit? I want to check a few things before we figure out what is happening” Hen instructed her best friend who simply nodded and rushed down the stairs. She watched as Buck rubbed the small of his back, knuckles digging into the curve, attempting to alleviate some of the pain.

Chimney came bounding up the stairs barely 3 minutes later, bag in hand making his way over to the pair. Handing the bag over to Hen who began to grab what she needed to figure out Buck’s situation. Not a moment later another two pairs of footsteps loudly announced the arrival of Bobby and Eddie, who must have been alerted by Chimney’s rushed movements up the stairs. The two quickly rushed over once they had noticed a worried Hen hovering around Buck who was clearly in some kind of distress.

“Buck you alright kid? Hen, Chim, what's going on?” Bobby spoke, concern etched all over his face trying to get the details immediately going into captain mode at the possible medical emergency happening to his own team member. The pair gave their best explanation at what was happening to their retriever-like friend, running through what they had seen and what Buck had told them. Eddie, extremely worried, sat himself down next to his best friend hand cupping his face and looked frantically at his best friend's face as if he could decipher the situation just from his face. If he weren’t recovering from the random pains, Buck would have flushed at the attention.

“Buck, hey what’s going on?” Before he could reply and reassure his captain and partner otherwise that he was okay ( in true Buck fashion), he felt another wave of pain coursing through him, he groaned and gripped on of the cushions, squeezing it as hard as the pain he was feeling. Yeah he had gone through the worst of the worst, getting crushed by a firetruck, pulmonary embolism, surviving a tsunami and dying for three minutes but this pain was brief and intense, the constant back and forth felt unnatural and disorienting.

“I…i don’t know Eddie” his eyes were slightly glassy as he met with the deep brown ones inviting him to look back. Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed intensely, hating the unsureness in Buck’s voice.

“What’s happening to me?” he looked scared, puppy dog eyes worriedly staring at everyone around him. Everyone felt their heart twinge slightly at those words, the poor man always had the worst luck when it came to his health. The two paramedics, Bobby and Eddie tried to rack their brains thinking of different things that could be causing Bucks pain. He clenched at his stomach again, Hen noticing this constant reflex suddenly felt an idea pop into her mind and sat on the couch next to Buck.

“Can I just quickly check something Buck? It might be a little tender but I think I have an idea” Hen stated as she moved closer to him. Buck only nodded as he let Hen place a hand on his stomach, feeling around, slightly pushing down on it finding it to be slightly hard. Buck winced and sucked in a quick breath at the prodding, this reaction confirming what Hen was diagnosing in her mind.

“How long have these pains been going on for bud?”

“Maybe a couple of hours, but ugh they weren’t this bad before, and they weren’t lasting long enough to be a big thing” he groaned out trying to rub at his lower back in an attempt to relieve some pressure. The other four people sighed, Buck’s lack of care for his own body was an issue he’d gone through so much but still struggled to ask for help.

“You should have told us man, you look like you’re having a pretty rough time. Don’t leave it to get worse” Buck looked up at Chimney through his lashes, furrowing his eyebrows at the man’s words.

“But….the day was….... not a crazy one” he spoke, narrowly avoiding the cursed word, just in case “and I didn't want to cause a fuss out of something that might not have been anything to worry about” Eddie sighed, putting a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Buck, you aren’t ruining the day, you are in pain. They are right…. you can’t hide away, remember the last time you did?” that’s right. The man nearly died at his own return party, ignoring his symptoms nearly killed him before, now there was no way they would leave him while he was reacting to his pain like this.
“M’sorry” he mumbled. Eddie rubbed his thumb across his collarbone and sighed affectionately. The touch burned tenderly with affection, causing his skin to tingle. It was as if the sun itself kindly allowed a moment of tenderness to use its warmth to make Buck’s skin flush under Eddie’s fingertip.

“So what’s the diagnosis doc?” he groaned, trying to distract himself from the pain that shot through him once again. He leaned his head against Eddie’s shoulder, trying to regulate his breathing as the pain began to dissapate after nearly a full minute.

“Buck, you are a carrier right? Because from what I'm seeing right now, I think you might be in the middle stages of labor. If you are timing these cramps right, I think you're having contractions and they are definitely getting closer” Hen spoke softly as she rubbed his shoulders soothingly. Buck looked up through his lashes at her, and then quickly glanced towards the others staring in concern. The room turned tense in a split second, all knowing the chaos of what would unfold in a few hours now that they knew what was most likely happening.

“O-oh god i am. shit…last time ....Tommy….no” he stuttered out through what he knew now as another contraction. He couldn’t believe how dense he was, looking back, he distinctly remembered his last time with Tommy. It had been a drunken night a month before they had broken up, one of their last nights together, too many beers on a take out night that somehow led to a cryptic pregnancy with no baby daddy in sight. He cringed as his thoughts turned back to Tommy, the man who had boldly claimed that he was only Bucks first and not his last as he walked out of his apartment. The pilot left an empty feeling in his heart but also apparently a full womb in its wake without even looking back. As he found himself stuck in those memories, the others spoke in hushed tones, not wanting to startle the man who was rightfully panicking about his current situation. Another intense contraction announced itself only 5 minutes later, as if to pull Buck out of his memories to face the reality and consequences of his ex relationship. He moaned lowly in despair, from the physical and mental pain he found himself in.

“Guys we don’t have much time, judging by the frequency and intensity of his contractions, Buck’s going to be in full blown labour in probably an hour or two.” Hen explained to everyone, rushing to grab necessary items that would help make the quickly descending labor a bit more easier for the panicked man. As everyone else began to organise a space for Buck and the incoming baby, Hen found herself having to force Eddie away so it could be done quicker, his protective instincts toward his best friend could be a bit more intense for what a normal close friendship would be considered. Hen knew that the man was worried, she could see the protectiveness in his eyes that mirrored her own when Karen had been caught up in her work place accident. She was tired of seeing the two skirt around each other, somehow being so in love but blind to that fact and not to mention that Buck had basically become Chris’s other parent.

“Hey. I know you want to be here for him, but I don't want to overwhelm Buck with too many of us, go help Bobby and Chim and then you can help me bring him over.” Hen whispered to the medic who’s only concern was the scared man, who was currently breathing through another long contraction, not focusing on what people were saying. Eddie hesitantly nodded as he walked back over to the other men and began to help, still glancing back as if Buck would collapse at any moment.

“Do you want to walk for a little bit? It can help ease up the intensity and make it better for your body to position the baby better?” Buck looked up at Hen as she softly gripped his shoulders, balancing him. He blinked slowly, a little dazed from the lingering pain, processing what was being said to him. He had barely noticed that he was no longer sitting on the couch but now on one of the dining table seats. He realised that they had probably moved him out of the way to quickly set up a spot where he could give birth safely.

“O..okay”

She helped to lift him up, letting him lean into her to balance himself. Hen walked alongside the laboring man, carefully keeping her eyes on him at all times and a hand hovering behind his back just in case. Buck quickly glanced over to the others and found himself in direct eye contact with Eddie who gave him a soft smile and mouthed out a question he had no idea how to answer.

‘𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲?’

Buck had no clue how he was feeling at the moment. His thoughts became more scrambled as his brain was still trying to keep up with the unfolding events that had felt entirely too fast and slow at the same time. That he, Evan Buckley, was having a baby. Right there and then. How could he have missed that? Of course something like this would happen to him, he’d been struck by lightning, he was one of the 30% of carrier men who could carry and give birth so why wouldn’t he randomly go into labor on a Tuesday evening. He moved a hand and slightly grazed across his stomach, still the same as it was ten minutes ago but now feeling heavier at the thought of bringing a baby into the world with such little notice.

“I’m pregnant?” he whispered out loud, just to make it feel more real, although the pain was doing well enough as it was to help him with that. His question was spoken loud enough for the others in the room to hear. He felt a bit stupid at his own question, as the others chuckled lightheartedly.

“Yeah and in full blown labor, try to keep up Buckaroo” Chimney shouted, Buck snorted as he tried to catch his breath. After leaning against the counter again through another contraction, the two went back to slowly walking around, Hen trying to keep him as calm as someone in labor could be. His thoughts were racing at a million miles per minute. Had Maddie felt this bad when she had contractions? How do people even do this? How long could he be in labor for? If he wasn’t in so much pain right now he’d grab his phone out and start one of his research binges.

About 10 minutes later the others came up to where Hen and Buck were standing as Buck gripped onto the kitchen counter breathing and grunting through another contraction as Hen rubbed his back, another intense one that showed a bigger progression within his labouring process.

“Whenever he is ready, we’ve got everything we need for the moment so just let us know and we can help bring him to the sofa” Bobby said to Hen who nodded, they all looked over towards Buck who had been staring off into space. “I’ve already made sure the 118 can’t receive any calls and everyone else has left for the night, until we get to the hospital” Hen nodded, looking over towards Buck who was now standing up straight, his hands pressed up on his lower back and head tilted back with his eyes closed. The team watched carefully waiting for a sign of permission before they helped him, as he came down from the long winded contraction.

“Do you need to keep walking or would you like to come and lay down?” Hen asked softly as she watched the tall man wipe his brow and run his hand through his curls that were now becoming damp. He tried to walk around the table again but winced in discomfort.

“Oooh, nope…no way. i think i’m definitely done with walking, this is really bad” With those words Hen, and Eddie who had quickly come up next to Buck walked him back over to the sofa area. Within a short time they had managed to create a nice space that would create the most physical comfort that they could provide in this short amount of time that they had. They helped lower Buck onto the spread of towels on the floor getting the softest pillows that they could find prepping him up against them.

“Alright, you can stay in your shirt, but we have to get rid of these trousers. Dude why is everything that you wear so tight?” Chimney exclaimed as he grabbed a towel to place over Bucks lower half, ready to help him remove his pants.

“What? take my trousers off?” he cringed at the idea, even though he knew logically that was something he would have to do during birth.

“Kid, i don’t think you’ll be able to do it without taking them off, don’t worry only Chim and Hen will have to be down there, they are professionals remember?” Bobby reassured the anxious man, Buck still cringed at the idea but nodded at the captain's words.

“Yeah! at least you aren’t up at this end, when they said to bond with your brother in law this wasn’t what i had in mind” Chimney spoke, Buck rolled his eyes and scoffed.

“Trust me….ugh….this isn’t fun for me either Chim” he choked out. Once they had finally helped Buck into a comfortable position, they began to sort themselves out into their chosen roles for the birth. Chimney and Hen helping with the actual process of labor while Bobby and Eddie stayed near Buck ready to give him water and help when needed.

****

“What’s got you so clucky huh Hen?” Chim spoke up, noticing the wide smile that Hen had across her face as she slightly rubbed Bucks old injury just to make sure it wouldn’t act up after sitting in the same position for possible hours. She rolled her eyes at the terrible pun that Chimney had made.

“I just can’t believe our Bucks having his own baby” Hen excitedly exclaimed, a warm smile painted across her face. “A new 118 member to spoil!” Buck felt his ears flush, he hadn’t even begun to think about that idea, too focused on actually bringing the baby into the world. He was actually going to be a parent. A little person who would rely on him, need him and love him. He could feel the emotions hit him all at once, and it burst out of him through sobs. The team looked shocked and scared at his outburst.

“Hey…hey Buck what’s wrong, are you hurting, is something going on?” Eddie frantically asked, checking Buck to see if something bad was happening. Buck shook his head, trying to hold back the sobs that were clogging up his throat.

“I’m….*sniff* going to be a dad, we are having another family member” he choked out the tears rolling down his face.

“It’s overwhelming buddy ...we get it. Even though it’s very unexpected, we are so happy for you. You are actually doing pretty well for someone who has suddenly been told that he’s in labor without knowing that he was pregnant”

“In true Buck fashion, I wouldn't want it any other way ... .well maybe in a hospital with more notice but still! I'm getting a niece or nephew out of this so I can't complain too much.” Chimney reassured his brother. “But yeah. Leave it to Buck to be pregnant and not know about it” Chimney joked trying to keep the mood up. Buck glared but also sheepishly acknowledged that yes he definitely had no clue, to be fair he hadn’t had many symptoms at all and the ones he could vaguely think of were things that could be easily explained by what he did as a firefighter and just simple symptoms of exhaustion and illness. He looked over towards Eddie, the man he had only recently realised he was in love with, to gauge his reaction at the news.

“Eddie…i promise i didn’t know,” he whimpered suddenly feeling guilty over being pregnant with another man’s baby, even though there was nothing going on between him and his work partner.

“Buck….it’s okay. who would’ve thought that you would have a cryptic pregnancy, we couldn’t have known, it just happens sometimes, rarely but sometimes” Eddie continued to try and make Buck as comfortable as he could, while their friends were checking up on his lower body figuring out how close Buck was to actually pushing out his baby.

“I….I still can’t believe this…..it feels unreal…..i’m going to have a baby” he stated in a breathy tone. Even though barely five minutes ago he had been having a crying session about the reality of the situation.

“Trust me kid it’s definitely going to feel real soon enough” Bobby remarked, he looked over to Hen and Chimney “How much time are we looking at until it’s go time?”

“You're sitting at about 6 centimetres, nearly 7 which is pretty good, but your waters still need to break before you can actually start getting closer to pushing” Hen informed. He swallowed back the slight nausea that sat in his throat, it was such a close number but still so far away.

“Eddie ... .I ugh ... .i know this might be weird but can you ... .hmm…..stay next to me, please” Buck whimpered out through the next contraction as he settled deeper into the makeshift space. Eddie looked stunned at this request, shocked yet grateful that the man he loved wanted him to help during such an important moment of his life. He immediately sat down next to Buck, letting the man lean on him as he waited out between contractions.

“You are doing so well cariño, thank you for letting me help you.” he spoke softly, gently wiping away the sweat and curls from Buck’s forehead. The pet name that spilled from Eddie’s mouth so casually caused Buck to flush, but could easily be written off as a labor symptom, though the others watching the two would beg to differ.

“Hey Eddie, do you think you could sit behind Buck, the couch probably won’t be any good for his back and you’d be able to keep him upright and steady, is that okay?” Hen asked as she watched Buck wince as he collapsed back onto the front of the couch, the pillows not giving him as much support that he so obviously needed.

“Oh…of course only if Buck wants me too” Eddie stammered a little, looking down into Buck's eyes for permission. The laboring man nodded as another contraction tore into his body, unable to speak but gave clear consent to Hens' instruction. Once the contraction died down, Eddie gently lifted Buck and scooted in behind him, Bobby helping them move into a comfortable position for both men.

“How does that feel, Buck?” Bobby asked as they lowered him back down leaning up against Eddie’s chest. Although Buck had a bigger stature and build then Eddie, he slotted himself into the other man’s arms perfectly.

“Yea, definitely better” he puffed out, “fuck it’s hot in here” Bobby reached for a cool towel and wiped away the droplets that were slowly making their way down the firefighters face.

“You are doing great, kid. I know that you are in a lot of pain and definitely a bit foggy right now but I'm so proud of you. It’s going to be worth the pain seeing your little one in your arms”

“Thanks dad” Bobby’s heart skipped, feeling happy at the name. Even though he knew Buck didn’t realise what he had said in the moment, knowing that the kid he had basically fathered since he started as a probie saw him as that kind of role in his life. Maybe he could even be a grandfather too, and even Athena could be open to being a grandmother though he wouldn’t say it to her face just yet.

****

“Fuuuuck, ‘m so hungry!” Buck whined as he rubbed his stomach, feeling his energy drop with the lack of nutrients that he’d usually have to keep him going through the day. “but i think id just throw it up if i had something now”

“Of course Buckaroo is thinking about food while he’s pushing out a baby” Chimney commented, causing him to get a glimpse at the true Buckley glare, a familiar sight in the past few months due to Maddie’s second pregnancy.

“Hey i haven’t eaten much all day, i’ve been in labor for the past…i don’t even know how long i've been doing this for…”

“Three hours…well a bit longer if you’ve been having those cramps all morning” Hen stated.

“Kid i promise when everything’s all said and done, i’ll make you the biggest feast i’ll even throw in a couple of your favourites, special treatment alright” Bobby reassured him, he’d done the same for Marcy, making her favourite foods after having their kids.
“I'm holding…..ugh…..you onto that cap, you can’t take it back” Buck moaned out as another wave of contractions spread through his entire lower half, leaning forwards, Eddie gently rubbed his back in a way that if he didnt know the man he would have thought of him as a professional masseuse.

“If you want you can try a bit of a protein bar, these were a lifesaver when Marcy was in labor and couldn’t eat much.” Bobby handed one over, hoping that it would give Buck a little bit of a boost. His shaky hands reached out and took a bite, swallowing it down with another sip of water. He took a moment to make sure he wasn’t going to throw up, after not feeling too nauseous he continued to eat. Buck managed to finish the bar, feeling a little bit better now that he actually had something in his system. Thankfully his body had decided to give him a small break, allowing him to catch up on a regular breathing pattern. He felt exhausted yet he wasn’t even close to being finished. His eyes were fluttering and his head rocked back and forth as he tried to keep himself awake. Eddie could sense his unease and gently guided Buck’s head onto his chest.

“Close your eyes, it’s okay we’ve got you amor” He hushed as he brought Buck back onto his chest and before he knew it, Buck had fallen asleep almost immediately.

As the labouring man slept, the rest of the team spoke in hushed tones, trying to let the younger man get some amount of rest before the main event.
“This is crazy guys. I mean, even for him….” Chimney muttered as he looked at the man who had always been a little brother to him since he began at the station.

“He’s always wanted a family…I mean we all are his family but kids? He has loved everyone of ours as if they were his own. I can’t imagine how amazing he’s going to be with his own baby” Hen gushed. They all nodded in agreement.

“He’s going to be great” Eddie hummed out, his chin lightly sitting on top of Bucks head as he caressed Bucks face soothing out the furrowed eyebrows until they went back to a relaxed state. Eddie, too lost in his own world, didn't notice the way Bobby, Hen and Chimney looked at him, exasperated at the obvious signs of his affection towards Buck. At some point if they didn’t figure it out on their own soon, Bobby felt like he would have to take it into his own hands, to push them slightly closer in the right direction.

Buck began stirring slightly in his arms, sensing that the man was going to wake up Eddie slightly squeezed his arms. Once he opened his eyes, Buck briefly panicked remembering what he was doing before he’d fallen asleep, right on his best friend's chest. He looked up at the man who held him in his arms, eyes frantically darting around trying to find something that he could focus on.

“Hey….hey, don’t worry, you were only out for about 15 minutes, it’s good that you managed to get a little bit of sleep, we don’t need you passing out during this” Eddie comforted him, lightly rubbing his shoulders. Buck, still waking up, simply nodded.

Suddenly he felt a faint pop and a wet sensation between his legs. The liquid dripped down, making him feel uncomfortable, his water had broken. His face scrunched up in discomfort as he looked down between his legs at the increasing mess his body was making.

“Oh gross” he blurted out as he cringed at the feeling. The team burst out laughing at the reaction, “I can't tell if that was my water or…pee” he sheepishly said, cringing at the warm feeling of the liquid running down his legs. “It feels like I'm peeing, please tell me I'm not” he blurted out worryingly.

Hen laughed at Buck’s desperate concern for this confirmation. “It’s definitely your water Buck. You are now much closer to having this baby, you are at 8cm now so i wouldn't be surprised if this baby will be coming out within the next hour and a half”

“Oh thank god” he sighed, relieved that it would hopefully be over soon but a small twinge of anxiety made its way into his chest for what was to come.

****

As the minutes slowly trickled by, Buck could feel himself falling into a floaty headspace. It was getting harder for him to answer questions or even say anything as he progressed with labor. Background noises suddenly overwhelm his ears, and in the moment he swore he could feel the currents of the air settle underneath his skin. Did labour cause this much hypersensitivity? He would have to google that one later, and definitely a lot more. He’d be having a lot of sleepless nights, so what better way then to use it for more of his late night research spirals.

****

Somehow another hour had passed without him realising, he couldn’t remember what people were talking about, hints of encouraging words and gentle squeezes still sat gently on his body and mind. It felt like he had been floating around, detached from his mind, unable to focus on anything else but the increasing pain that was now coming closer together. Occasionally Buck looked at the others around him in brief moments of relief between contractions. Every so often a drink bottle was pressed to his lips and a cool cloth was pressed gently on his forehead wiping away the sweat that trickled down his face.

“Hey bud, Hens just checked and it looks like you are 10cm and already ready to go so listen to her and push when you need to okay, we will let you know if you have to stop or keep on going” Buck had never heard Chim be that soothing. Their relationship thriving at making fun and prodding at eachother but hearing this side of him made him feel more relaxed, he nodded as he prepared himself for the most painful part of labor. He had known from previous calls that this was going to hurt like a bitch. In that moment he felt terrible for making jokes to Maddie previously because she was definitely right to be complaining about giving birth.

Well here we go

Pants, moans and the occasional ‘fuck’ or ‘son of a bitch’ echoed across the nearly empty fire station. Bobby had already put the 118 on standby, they knew none of them would want to leave if a call happened. It was already around 6pm, dusk was falling and the sun started to set. After nearly four and a half hours of close contractions, Buck was almost ready to welcome his baby into the world.

“C’mon Buck, i know you can do it…you are doing so well” Eddie whispered into Bucks ear as the man fell back down after each push, his body becoming harder to hold up but kept persevering with the encouragement. Chin to chest, Buck bared down, panting heavily as he followed Hens instructions as she counted down how long he had to push before taking small breaks in between. He could faintly hear talking but he was too overwhelmed to fully understand what everyone was saying. The faint voice of Eddie however was enough to help him keep it together, a way to bring him back to reality when he thought he couldn’t face it. As Eddie watched his best friend give birth he knew that he would be there for Buck and the baby, like the man was there for Chris and him. He didn’t want Buck to be like Shannon, without a reliable partner to depend on and be there when it got too much to handle. A slight jealous twinge sparked in his heart as he briefly thought about Tommy, selfishly he kind of wished that the father was him instead.

“I ... .i can’t do this,” Buck started panicking, he was beyond exhausted and felt pushed to his limits. “Please…. i want it to stop” He begged, it felt like he had been in labor for days, the way he stared at Hen was heartbreaking she wanted to take away his pain but knew that he had to keep going like this.

“Yes you can, you have to do this buddy, I know it’s hard and you’re tired but you are almost there. I promise you can do this, you know the drill. I’ll countdown and you keep pushing until i tell you to stop and then you’ll have a break before you can do it again let me guide you”

Buck whimpered, feeling the pressure quickly coming back more intensely if that was even possible. He nodded, propping himself up against Eddie more, his fingers slotting between Eddie’s own as he bared down.

“Give me a big push Buck” she instructed, he did as he was told. The ten seconds of pushing felt like hours, the feeling of Eddie rubbing his back barely keeping him together “Okay stop for a moment, you are doing so good, okay?” She checked again to make sure that his lower half was not being torn. Once he was in the clear she looked back up at the pair and nodded.

“It’s time to meet your baby for real, the head is out so now we need one more big push and they’ll be fully out Buck” His breath hitched at Hens words, his baby was nearly out, he would soon be meeting his child and holding them in his arms. Keeping that image in his head, he mustered up as much energy as he could and drove himself towards the end of this journey.

After big pushes and a lot of yelling and profanities later, Buck felt the pressure relieve from his body and instantly knew that his baby was fully out. His whole body was trembling, eyes dazed and his entire lower half feeling like it had burst into flames. Dissociation hit him hard, not fully comprehending his surroundings as he focused on trying to catch his breath. His eyes were glazed, not really looking at anything, as if he were lost in another world. He knew that people were trying to talk to him but he couldn’t understand, like he was underwater, trying to swim upwards in an attempt to reach the surface to listen.

“Buck, you with me?” The words he could finally make out were bursting with concern. He swallowed harshly as he looked back up at the man who was cradling him in his arms and nodded.

“Yeah…..i’m with you” he eventually croaked out. Eddie sighed in relief as he tightened his hold on Bucks shoulder, pressing his forehead against the side of the exhausted man’s head.

“You did it buddy, baby is here in one piece we are just checking them now okay? Now in a moment you’re going to have to push a tiny bit more, don’t worry it’s just the afterbirth and then you can relax daddy” Hen smiled up at the two men.

“I can’t stop shaking” his eyebrows furrowed, fearing something might be happening to him.

“Hey hey it’s normal okay, you have been through a lot today alright, your body is already tired enough as it is plus i think giving birth unexpectedly would make anyone lose a bit of control over their bodily reactions” Bobby exclaimed, sensing Buck’s uneasiness at his shaking form. The man only whined in return, tears streaming down his face from not only giving birth but the lack of sleep he’d had in the past 24 hours. His face was sweaty and red, the dampened curls stuck to his forehead. In his mind Buck knew he was looking like a hot mess, covered in sweat, blood and other bodily fluids he didn’t want to even think about, but to Eddie he had never seen a more beautiful sight.

“Hey Buckaroo, you have a little boy” Chimney exclaimed as he and Hen began to examine and clean the baby as best as they could. Buck sighed as he collapsed back onto his best friend for the final time. Looking up through his eyelashes he looked into the dark brown eyes he had loved for years. Eddie had slight tears in his eyes as he smiled back down at Buck, still holding him in a tight embrace not wanting the exhausted man to fall back and possibly be in more pain. He looked over to his right to see Bobby grinning brightly, looking extremely proud and happy for his kid. The two paramedics down at the edge of the bundle of sweat soaked blankets and bloodied towels quickly glanced up and grinned at Buck before looking back down towards the infant. For a moment he could breathe, squeezing Eddie’s hand that found its way to hold his own at some point during the last stages of labor and leaning his head back onto his partner's chest. However a few moments later he felt a terrible sensation crawl over his body, a warning of what was to come.

****

As Buck was being comforted and calmed down by Eddie, Hen and Chimney had their eyes on the baby, noticing that the infant was still not moving or crying. They tried to keep him warm, trying to find a slight pulse or any type of life signs but they couldn't. They knew that it wasn’t going to happen. Cold chills ran down each other's spines as they glanced at each other realising that Buck had just gone through a stillbirth.

“Chim….he's gone...how did we not realise this as soon as he came out” Hen whispered as she looked down at the baby in her arms, painfully still.

“Hen….i don’t know…but there’s nothing we can do, i think he’d already ... .died before he even started having contractions. Dammit….” Chimney said and squeezed one of the spare towels out of frustration not wanting to create a scene.

“How are we supposed to tell him, i…his heart is going to break” The two paramedics glanced up at Bobby who had noticed the two being quiet, he looked at the very still infant in their hands and quickly realised what was happening. His face sunk, clenching his fist before bringing it to his mouth trying to keep it together as he brought himself to sit down. Eyes already watering, a dam threatening to burst thinking about Bucks potential reaction to the news.

“W-what’s wrong, why isn’t he crying…what are you talking about?” Buck whimpered as he tried to sit up more and look over at where Chim and Hen were huddled around the newborn. He knew that some babies were born with the cord wrapped around their necks so they were unable to cry straight away, but why was his baby still not crying? It was too long for a small infant to go without screaming its lungs out. Feeling his brain grow fuzzy and all the rest of what little strength he had leaving his body he fell back onto Eddie. The paramedics looked at the two solemnly, saying without words that nothing could be done. The baby had been born dead. All the stress and lack of knowledge of his pregnancy meant that there was no way of knowing the baby's health, the extra cramping and pain must have been due to the baby passing away before labor had started.

“Buck ... .honey…i’m so sorry” Hen gasped out as she looked back at the exhausted man barely being able to sit up properly, covered in his own bodily fluids being held up by his best friend. The horror that washed across his face was truly devastating, she looked back at Chimney who also looked as pale as she felt.
“No…..no no no NO!!!” he cried out trying to lean forward to grab his son, his little body coddled in the blanket making him look somewhat alive, but Buck knew that it was just wishful thinking. The scene feeling hauntingly parallel to the time Buck wept in Bobby’s arms crying out for Eddie, clawing at the mud to try and get to him. “My baby…..” Eddie gently wrapped his arms around Buck’s shoulders, gently thumbing the distraught man’s collarbone as he’s done many times before. Buck, exhausted physically and emotionally after the distress of having a stillbirth, laid his head against Eddie’s chest and silently sobbed. Eddie gently hushing and repeating ‘I'm here, we’re here’, trying his best to comfort the devastated man. They stayed like that for a moment's time, Buck trying to make himself smaller in Eddie’s arms, wanting to hide away from the outside world, his throat scratchy and dry from his own yelling and tears, he coughed harshly. A bottle of water soon pressed to his lips, forcing him to take a couple of sips before he had enough. Bobby looked over to Eddie who also looked like he was about to start crying but stayed strong while trying to comfort the man curled up in his arms. A solemn silence flooded the room, not knowing what to do or say, a cold silence where a baby’s cries should have been instead.

Buck finally lifted his head up from out of Eddie’s embrace, quickly glancing at his team, who all looked like they were either crying or close to tears. Hen looked into the devestated baby blue of Buck’s eyes as she still held the swaddled babe. She slowly made her way next to the two men huddled on the floor being held up by the couch, carefully placing herself close to them.

“Hey Buck…. I know this is hard…but do you want to hold him” she spoke in the softest tone. Looking down at the baby she held tightly in her arms. Buck looked at her, then everyone else and nodded. She gently moved closer and transferred the bundle into his arms, giving a gentle pat on his shoulder. The atmosphere was tense, emotions running high from the roller coaster of events occurring that day. Bobby struggled to watch as his work son mourned, reflecting on his own loss of his children and how awful he felt knowing that Buck would be feeling anywhere close to how Bobby had all those years ago and still to this day. Chimney, feeling the heartache of seeing his nephew be born with no chance of survival and one of his closest friends/his brother in law have something he had wanted for a long time have it suddenly taken away from him as soon as it was in reach . Hen frustrated that nothing could have been done to help the poor baby. It was something that could just happen, but to a person who she had seen at his lowests and has survived the most, she couldn’t bear watching this scene. Eddie…. well he held onto Buck as tight as he could, the man who held his heart, who was basically Christopher's other father. The loss of a child is something he couldn’t comprehend, but seeing his love lose one who he had no idea existed, and had gone through the physical pain of bringing him into the world? Indescribable pain.
Buck held his son close to his chest, taking in the details of his small face, tracing the little features that he had inherited from him. Barely a trace of his other father ( if you could call him that) featured on the small infant. As he looked at his baby, Buck knew he did not plan on telling Tommy. And why should he? Buck only knew of his son’s existence while pushing him out into the world, besides he never wanted to see that man again and having another reason for the man to hate him would just ruin him.

“…Hi baby….” he softly whispered, a voice so small coming from a man of his size felt unnatural especially for someone like Buck. A small attempt at a smile washed over his face for a split second. Just for this moment he could hold his baby, pretend just for a few minutes that he was just sleeping, but once he left the firehouse to the hospital he knew he would have to face the overwhelming reality of his situation. He hummed a lullaby that he faintly remembered Maddie singing to him whenever he got hurt or felt sick. After a few minutes of silence, Buck looked up at Eddie who was still sitting behind him, eyes flushed red while he also supported Buck’s hold on the baby.

“L..look Eds isn't he beautiful” Buck whispered. Eddie smiled softly as he placed a swift kiss onto Buck's birthmark to comfort him but also a reassurance for his own need for comfort. Neither man really acknowledging the tender and intimate moment, too busy being lost in another world. Watching his best friend, well the man he loved as a more accurate description, go through yet another tragedy weighed heavy on his aching heart.

“Yeah cariño, he is wonderful…. you did so well” he whispered, voice shaking slightly as he brought Buck closer to his chest and tucked his head under his chin. Wanting to keep him close and never let go. They laid like that for another moment before realising the others were still there, trying to give them privacy but staying in case something might happen. Buck lightly pressed his forehead on his sons, giving small kisses to the little button nose that felt too cold. As Buck laid there on his chest, baby wrapped in his arms Eddie looked up at the rest of his team who were sitting still trying to process everything that was going on. As they tried to wipe their tears away, Hen and Chimney began to clear up the fluids and mess that the birth had created on the floor.

“Hey cariño, is it okay if Hen cleans you up a little down there? I promise you can keep holding him but we have to make sure you don’t get infected down there okay” Buck only faintly nodded in response to Eddie, focused on the baby that he held tightly in his arms. The small frame being engulfed by Buck's strong arms as if to shield him from the outside. He could feel the intrusion of gloved hands but he couldn’t care less, his focus entirely on his little boy, another person who he had let down and it was his fault that he was gone.

“i’m so sorry baby…” he whimpered, eyes sweltering with tears once again. “it’s my fault…it’s my fault”

“Evan….it is not your fault, hey listen to me okay? This right here you are not the slightest bit responsible. I know it doesn’t feel that way but I need you to know this alright?” Eddie declared forcing Buck to meet his eyes gently so he could see and hear the truth in his voice. Buck didn’t say anything, he couldn’t. He just stared blankly as if all his emotions had suddenly drained from his body and simply went back to looking at his son.

After Hen and Chimney had cleaned and checked up on Buck as much as they could with what they had, Bobby walked over to the curly headed man and knelt next to him. He placed a firm but comforting hand on his shoulder, trying to portray the thousands of words trapped inside his mind into a nonverbal condolence as he squeezed softly.

“Buck.. i’m sorry we have to do this but we should get you to the hospital, get you all checked out...and everything fixed up” Bobby spoke up after a while, hating that he had to be the one to tell Buck that they had to go. Buck could tell that the man was choked up, his eyes also glazed red and his face .

“Okay…” Buck whispered defeatedly, he was completely drained emotionally and physically . Eddie slowly moved from where he sat behind, feeling a bit numb due to sitting in the same position for a few hours. Bobby and Eddie slowly helped Buck to stand up, he wobbled but still held a tight grip onto the bundle in his arms, leaning his weight against the two men he stood between.

“Can I hold him Buck? I know you don’t want to let him go but it will be easier to get you down to the ambulance this way and I'll give him straight back, okay?” After a moment of contemplation, Buck looked up through red eyes at Chimney's words feeling dread as he nodded in agreement. He gently placed the tiny infant into his brother-in-law's arms and grabbed onto Bobby and Eddies shoulders for support. Once they had gotten him into a pair of sweatpants, they began to head to the stairs, large hands hovering behind his lower back in caution. They managed to get down slowly to make sure he was in the least pain as possible and got him onto the gurneys of one of the paramedic trucks. Buck moaned each time he walked down a step, his lower half feeling scrambled. Chimney quickly came back and returned the babe into Buck’s arms. The drive to the hospital was quiet, no one saying anything except Chimney letting the hospital know the current situation and what they needed when they arrived.

****

They arrived at the hospital soon after, Buck and Eddie, who he chose to be with him, were ushered into a separate room while the rest of the team stood outside in the too familiar waiting room. Hen bursting into tears the split second Buck had been out of sight, Chimney and Bobby coming up to her both with gentle arms wrapping around her shoulders. The weight of delivering a stillbirth was devastating enough, but helping your friend/colleague with their own, who’d been through so much in his life was another two tons of guilt stacked on top of it.

“Cap…I’m sorry…..i wish it wasn’t like this...i wish we could have done something” she sniffled as she stared down the hallway where Buck had been taken down.

“Hen, Chimney you did everything you could have, this is not on you. I know it’s going to be tough on everyone, but we need to stay strong for him. We know Buck, that kid loves children. This is going to be very hard on him. But we have to be there for him, losing a child is difficult and the days and weeks after are the hardest to survive, I know that. So we need to figure out how to be there for him while also letting him grieve in his own way ” Bobby reflected. The two paramedics nodded at Bobby’s words, understanding the deep sentiment that laced his words.

“I-i have to call Maddie, he needs her more than anything right now” Chimney stuttered as he walked to a quieter area of the waiting room, eyes red. He didn’t know how he was going to say it to her. She’d been so happy telling her husband about their second baby, the past few months of her pregnancy had been going so well. Working hard to try and keep herself in a better mindset, at nearly 8 months pregnant she was buzzing with excitement to meet their second baby. Chimney felt his heart ache realising that now his wife would have to learn about her baby brother's own cryptic pregnancy and the death of her nephew.

“I’m going to call Athena too” Bobby moved to grab his phone out and sat down on one of the Hospital chairs, “You should call Karen too Hen” .

“What about Buck?” she sniffed.

“Buck has Eddie, he’s probably the best one to be with him right now, those two are…..well whatever it is…..he’s the person who can really support him right now”

****

Meanwhile in the hospital room, Buck was sitting up in the bed, cleared at the moment from any possible infections that might have occurred during his labor. Still holding onto his baby as if he would disappear if he weren’t touching him. Eddie had chosen to stay with him, not wanting to let either of them out of his sights. The cold atmosphere of the sterilised room piercing his skin, and the buzzing and beeping noises rang in his ears. He’d probably spent half of his life in hospital rooms, mostly laying on the bed, or sitting by the sides of his friends and family yet he felt a nervousness and discomfort that lingered more heavily on his soul. He didn’t like being here, flashbacks of a mangled leg being propped up on a pillow, and the haunting image of him laying in a coma after the lightning strike, now a new memory of laying in the bed, feeling empty and lost at what he had just been through.

“P-please.don't take him…not yet i need more time” Buck gasped as he saw a nurse walk into the room. The nurse's eyes spoke a thousand words and backed off looking apologetically. She walked slowly and stayed at a far enough distance to make Buck feel safer.

“I apologise for the sudden entrance Mr Buckley, you have as much time as you need, there are a few things we can talk about for what happens after a stillbirth. There is quiet time in which you can stay with your baby for as long as you need, and if you want you will be able to take photographs and different memories of your child which we can discuss when you are feeling up to it”

“Of course ma’am, thank you for letting us know, we will call you if we need anything else, is he allowed to have family come in?” Eddie enquired as he looked back at Buck still staring and taking in the features of his baby, ignoring the rest of the world around him.

“If Mr Buckley wants to, he can have some family come in, i will let them know when to come in” she smiled softly. He thanked her again and watched her walk out of the room, the door clicking shut.

“Ed’s….do you want to hold him?” he whispered, only the second sentence to come out of his mouth since the fire station. Not wanting to make Buck even more upset, Eddie nodded slightly

“If you’d allow me to, of course” He gently lifted the babe out of Buck’s arms, settling down as close as he could to the bed. He made sure that Buck could still see his son's face as he held him, when he knew that Buck had felt okay with his hold on the baby Eddie took the time to look at the newborn. “He’s absolutely wonderful Buck, you did an amazing job” He stated, looking down at the baby who looked so small in his arms, little locks of brown hair and a button nose all showing that he was definitely a baby Buck. After a moment's time, Eddie looked back over at his best friend, a question at the tip of his tongue but noticed that Buck had seemingly fallen asleep, blankets all placed over his head, wanting to hide away from the cruel realities of the world. Though beneath the cold and uncomfortable sheets, Buck stared into the darkness and felt his heart shatter. He couldn't sleep now, he just wanted to avoid the lingering gaze of the empathetic stare that would make him feel even worse.

****

On the other side of the door, Maddie and Athena had arrived at the hospital after hearing their husbands distressed calls. Karen, after hearing her wife’s voice decided she would look after JeeYun and Harry, while Carla brought Christopher over to have them all together while their parents were out. The two women walked in with each other, holding hands as they shared the grief of what had happened to Buck. Reuniting with their significant others the silence of the small waiting room turned into murmured discussions, letting the two women know what had happened and how Buck was currently coping physically but also emotionally.

****

“He needs a name,” Buck said quietly. Eddie glanced up to see Buck sitting up in the bed again nervously biting at his nails as he looked over at the baby in the cot. Eddie reached out his hands and slipped them through Bucks, squeezing gently as he rubbed the top of his hands in a soothing motion.

“You don’t have to do this now, the nurse said we have as much time as you need and that includes the name on his birth registry”

“I want to do it. Otherwise it just doesn’t feel real and he deserves to have one before anything else happens” Buck looked at him determinedly.

“Okay that's perfectly fine. Are there any ones that you’ve got in mind?” Eddie watched as Buck thought deeply, looking over at the infant wrapped in the light blue blankets the hospital had provided for him.

“I’ve always liked the name Alexander, I don't know why, there’s not really any meaning or anything for it.”

“Hey…hey it’s a wonderful name. Alexander. It suits him” Eddie smiled softly as he tested the name on his tongue.

“Alexander Robert Buckley actually” Eddie’s eyes softened at the mention of the baby’s middle name. “Do…you think he’ll mind?” a voice so unsure and small it was hard to believe that it came from Buck.

“Buck, Bobby would be so honored that you named him after him. It’s a beautiful choice” Buck’s shoulders sagged in relief.

“Can you bring him back over please” Eddie nodded as he turned to the cot that was close to him. Gently lifting the baby out and lowering him softly into Buck’s waiting arms. “Hi Alexander, it’s your daddy. I’m sorry that I didn't know about you all this time. But now I will never forget you, I love you so much” Buck whispered as he gently held his baby’s hand.

****

The team were allowed in after an hour and a half of waiting, wanting Buck to have enough time before a big group of people were to come in. Eddie had come out of the room to greet everyone before they came in. The whole group stood up, longing to know how Buck was feeling and if he was okay physically. Maddie waddled up to the firefighter as fast as she could at her late stage of pregnancy, desperate for details on Buck’s wellbeing.

“Eddie, how is my baby brother” her eyes swelled up, holding her own stomach. It felt bittersweet coming in with Buck’s current situation. He looked at her and then everyone else's curious but devastated faces around them before speaking.

“He’s only asked for a couple of things but other than that, he hasn’t said much at all. Though he was very adamant on picking a name out, so he is currently filling out the paperwork for the registry. One of the nurses was saying that there is a whole thing in which the parent or parents can have quiet time with their….stillborn so he has just been holding the baby. He tried to fall asleep for a while but he didn't, his emotions are really fragile and with one wrong thing and he might break so please let him do and say things at his own pace” he warned the rest of Buck's current state.
Opening the door, they entered the room, Eddie went and sat on the chair that he’d brought up right next to where Buck laid. The curly haired man held his baby close to his chest, treasuring the time he had, not knowing how long it would last. As heard the scuffling of many footsteps he looked up from his son's face and watched as most of his family came in. They spread themselves across the room, not wanting to make him feel more nervous. After a few moments of silence Buck cleared his throat, still itchy from crying so hard, to speak with his family.

“Hi guys..” he spoke gently, as if he didn’t want to wake the baby. “This is my son… Alexander Robert Buckley…they let me hold him for as long as i need to...while everything gets sorted out…..so before…everything else that needs to happen, i just needed to tell you guys who he is before he goes.” Buck sniffed while trying to maintain a small smile as he announced the baby’s name. Holding him as close as he could knowing that he had only a few hours at most before he would never see him again in his arms.

“Oh Buck that’s beautiful” Athena spoke, squeezing her husband's hand who was still trembling from watching Buck give birth and then mourn his child, learning that he had given his name to his son. Everyone knew that Buck loved children, it was painstakingly obvious from the ways in which he doted on his niece. Jee Yun and her uncle Buck were quite the pair, he was an honorary uncle to Denny, and was a big brother figure to both May and Harry. Hell, he was basically a second father to Christopher, fighting hard to keep him alive during the tsunami, making him feel more confident, protecting his father and caring for him like he was his own child. Seeing him have an opportunity to have his own child, being ripped away as soon as it was given to him was a devastating blow to a man who had endless struggles throughout his life and was returned with heartache.

Maddie rushed over, as much as she could at her stage of pregnancy, to her baby brother's bedside in an instance, an act she knows she does far too often in her life and cupped his face in her hands.

“Mads…” he croaked, looking up at her as another set of tears burst out of him leaning into his sister's embrace. Wrapping her arms around him as she let her own tears fall at the pain of her brother and the loss of her nephew that she would have adored like Buck does with Jee Yun. She kissed his forehead and brushed back the curls, a habit she would never forget to do. Like breathing, caring for Buck came without thinking, it was her natural reaction and something that she would never fail to do.

“Oh Evan..”she sniffed, looking down at the little boy in her brother’s arms. He let her take her time admiring her nephew, wanting her to have time like he had with Jee when she was born. “You are so strong…..he’s gorgeous” She whispered, proud of her brother and in awe of her nephew that she wished she could have known.
Each person in the room was allowed to come close for a short time, they all took the time to admire Alexander and praise Buck for his strength throughout the whole ordeal.

“I’m sorry if this was too hard for you guys” he apologised once everyone had their time with himself and Alexander, suddenly realising he had asked his team to meet his stillborn baby.

“Of course not baby, you wanted us to know your baby and we are so glad you let us see him. I know how hard this is for you, and we will all be with you through each step of the way” Athena reassured the man. She placed a light kiss onto the top of his head, though they weren’t as close as he and Bobby, she was an important person in his life.

****

Not long after the team had gone into the room, visiting hours had finished as it was around 11 at night, so they had said their goodbyes and condolences and went back home. After everyone except for Eddie, who managed to get Carla to organise Christopher to have a sleepover with Denny at Karen and Hens house, left, the two discussed what Buck would want to keep or get made. Memorialising his son in photographs and hand and footprints, keeping a small lock of dark brown hair, and the baby blanket that the hospital had provided for him. Buck was sat up in the hospital bed, a place he had grown accustomed to so he was able to deal with the uncomfortable beds and hazy lighting, his knees brought out close to his chest as he laid his son against them. The nurses had put Alexander into a little sleep suit and a small hat, helping him feel more like an infant rather than a lifeless body.

Eddie sat in the corner of the room, watching his best friend, work partner and light of his life trace little Alexander’s face, whispering loving words and leaving little kisses across his little cheeks. Buck looked in awe of the little human being he held, hardly believing that he had created something that perfect but that he would never get to see his little boy grow up and become a whole person. The doctors and nurses had told him that he could even bring him home for a while, but it felt wrong to him. He knew that if he brought Alexander home he would never want to take him back into the hospital.

“I love you so much” he whispered to the baby, pressing a kiss on his son's forehead before the kind nurse from before picked him up out of his arms and took him to the morgue. He knew that technically he would see him one more time after this, but he would never be able to hold him in his arms again. Shortly after the nurse had left with his baby, Buck had once again broken down into tears, devastating sobs wracking his body, ones he thought couldn’t come because of how much he had already done the previous hours. Eddie sat on the side of the bed embracing him once more, letting the man weep into his shoulder for the third time that day. Soft hushes and “it’s okay’s” whispered into Buck's ear, as the soothing pattern of Eddie’s thumb on his palms placed him into a sort of trance. Once he had settled down a bit more, Buck slumped back into the bed, his body giving out due to his excessive tears. His eyes feeling as heavy as his heart, closed gently and finally gave in to sleep. Once Eddie could tell that Buck was asleep, he let himself weep silently not wanting Buck to see his own tears in fear it would make it worse for him. He grabbed the small chain around his neck and quietly mumbled into his hands

𝐃𝐢𝐨𝐬 𝐦í𝐨, 𝐩𝐨𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐮í𝐝𝐚𝐥𝐨, 𝐭𝐞 𝐥𝐨 𝐫𝐮𝐞𝐠𝐨

He prayed. Prayed harder than he had only ever done thrice before, when Christopher was born, during his mission in Afghanistan and when Buck had gone into a coma after the lightning strike. The tears rushed out, he’d been holding onto them for hours. In that moment, in a dark hospital room, Eddie mourned for the loss for his best friend, but also a child that he would have loved to help raise like Buck had been doing with Chris for years. It felt like he’d lost his own baby. He cried until the tears were all gone, his body feeling heavy, Eddie fell back into the chair and he too fell into a dark dreamless state.

****

The next morning, Eddie woke up with a crick in his neck, hospital chairs were definitely not suitable for sleeping on. He looked over to his right to see Buck asleep, looking peaceful but could see tear marks still stained on his face. Not long after he heard a knock at the door, another nurse came in to check on him, soon waking him up and checking him over before leaving again.

“Buck I can't leave you here….” Eddie sighed, squeezing Buck’s hand, after Buck had mentioned about him going back to his house.

“I know Ed’s but you need to see Chris, go home and get some rest……just give him a massive hug for me please” He begged, feeling terrible for making the man stay overnight with him. His heart ached watching the man struggle between choosing to stay with him or going back to check on his son.

“Okay…i’ll go and check on him….let him know that his favourite Buck will be okay and when he’s settled with Carla i will come back to help you settle in at Maddie’s for the next few nights”

“Eddie, you’ve been with me the entire time, i think i’ll be okay just going with Chim and Maddie, just stay with Christopher for me, please.” Eddie felt terrible but agreed nonetheless, he hadn’t seen Chris for nearly two days, and as much as his teen was trying to be independent, he missed him as well. They squeezed each other's hands, Eddie desperately wanting to place another kiss on Bucks head, but believed he couldn’t not after everything that happened. As he walked out of the room it took all of his strength to not look back at his love laying in the hospital bed.

****

Eddie walked into his house, feeling distressed and tired from the events of the day before. It felt wrong leaving Buck at the hospital, but knew that Maddie and Chimney were there to help him until he could be discharged and would help him settle at their house for the next few days. He walked over to his son who was sitting on the couch, some Marvel movie playing in the background as he played on his switch.

“Hi dad”

“Hey mijo” his voice cracked slightly, “i need to have a talk with you about yesterday okay?” he said his heart felt like a rock in his chest. How was he supposed to tell his son that his other father lost a baby that he didn’t know he was having?

“Is it about Buck? Is he okay dad?” Christopher spoke in a low tone, as he paused his game and the movie to look up at his father. He had no clue what had happened the previous day, all he knew was that his dad had to stay with Buck while he was with the other kids as the adults were with Buck.

“Yeah buddy….it’s hard to explain but yesterday at the fire station Buck wasn’t feeling well, he was in a bit of pain and Hen had figured out that somehow he was pregnant and having the baby” Confusion was apparent on Christopher's face as he tried to process his dads words.

“Why didn’t Buck tell us he was having a baby?” Surely he would have said something to his dad, or him they were best friends.

“Well mijo, Buck didn’t know either, sometimes people don’t know they are having a baby until they go into labor so he was very scared. We helped him and then realised…Buck’s baby wasn’t breathing” Eddie breathed out, trying not to distress his son, but could feel the sting of tears building up. Christopher sat closer and hugged his dad.

“So…Bucks baby died?”

“Y-yeah, there was nothing we could do to help. and we took him to the hospital last night and that’s why i couldn’t come home. He needed to be with someone, and because i was there helping him he wanted me to stay, and i really wanted to stay with him”

“Because you love him?”

“Yeah Christopher…..i really really love him” he choked out, tears finally spilling as he tightened his grip on his own not so little boy.

“Good…because I love Buck too, when’s he coming home?”

“He should be cleared from the hospital today. It's going to take a long time for him to feel better so everyone is going to help him. He is going to stay with Maddie for a bit, and then come here and maybe Bobby and Athena after so we can all take care of him.”

“Buck really loves you too dad…it's kind of obvious that you guys are basically in love” the boy says like it’s a matter of fact and not something that Eddie has been dreaming of hearing for the past few years.

“Are you sure Chris? Haven’t been watching too many telenovelas have you?” he joked, trying to deflect the idea of Buck liking him in the same way, not wanting his hopes to become too high.

“Ugh noo dad, those are so fake…..but i think you should tell him how you feel, cause he really needs it now. And yeah, you always make these googly eyes at each other when you aren’t looking it’s kind of gross” Eddie laughed at his teenager.

“I just don’t want to put more pressure on him mijo, it’s going to be a tough time ahead these kinds of things, they really affect people and suddenly springing a love confession might not be the best idea”

“Well maybe it could help, you never know dad, you can still do it a bit more chill than a full blown crazy love confession” Chris giggled, thinking of his dad doing crazy grand gestures of love towards Buck.

“When did you grow up so quick?” he chuckled as he scruffed his son's hair, the boy gently shoving him away. Eddie knew that Christopher was right, he had been skirting around the fact that he was in love with his best friend for years now.

“Just don’t make me have to give the shovel talk to both of you. “ Christopher rolled his eyes. Eddie scoffed but chuckled at his son's comment.

“Don’t worry mijo, I don't think that will be necessary. Now come here Buck asked me to give you extra hugs tonight so i’m cashing in” Eddie wrapped his arms around the fourteen year old, letting himself find comfort and feel extra grateful that he was with him.

“Ugh, I guess if that’s what Buck wants. But don’t be too long dad, i still wanna finish my game” Chris wrapped his arms around his dad, hugging a little bit tighter than usual.

****

Meanwhile at the hospital, Buck was having a hard time, he didn’t want to leave without his baby but he knew that it wasn’t going to happen, he felt stuck in a limbo. He was desperate to get out of the hospital, which was easy to say as a person who was one stay away from a personalised room being made for him. Knowing that Alexander was somewhere in the dark, cold sanitised environment of the morgue made him feel sick, he’d never really seen that area of the hospital before but it was not a place for an infant to be.

“He’s all by himself in there Maddie, i can’t leave him” he whispered, not trusting his voice to stay stable. He’d managed to get himself dressed, the dull ache of his lower body getting fainter but still a reminder of what he had been through. Maddie watched as her little brother slightly winced as he walked towards the edge of this hospital bed where she was sitting. She simply put her hand in his and guided his head to her shoulder.

“God, I sound crazy don’t i?” Buck sniffled, hiding his face into her shoulder.

“Buck, you are not crazy. Your feelings are valid, i couldn’t even imagine not being able to have Jeeyun in my arms, you have all the right to want to be with your son. Walking out of this hospital is probably going to be the hardest thing you do, but I want you to be able to lean on us when you feel yourself slipping. All of us are here for you. ”

“Thanks Mads, I'm really glad that you are letting me stay, I mean I could go home but….it’s probably better if I wasn't alone right now. Plus the stairs would probably beat my ass if i tried to go up”

“Probably a good idea, otherwise I would have dragged your ass over to someone's house whether you liked it or not. Don’t mess with me, I know I'm heavily pregnant but I will do it.” Buck laughed imagining his sister dragging him alongside her. Maddie smiled, happy that she was able to make him feel even just a little bit better. His smile was one of her favorite things about her brother, the smile that she had fallen in love with since he first learned how to as a baby. The same cheeky grin she saw as he grew up, making mischief wanting to make Maddie laugh as he tried different things. Maddie hated to see him sad, with all the things that she had missed and even through all of his accidents and trauma she had rarely ever seen him this dejected. As she looked down at her hands in his, she felt the baby shift slightly, reminding her that she was not the only one in the room with Buck. “Evan…. are you absolutely sure you want to come with Chimney and I….i know it’s probably not the best time to be with someone who is 8 months pregnant, i wouldn’t be offended at all if you wanted to stay with the others instead.”

“Maddie, you're my sister. and even though i don’t want to be a burden on you guys…i really need you right now, it’s not your fault that you are pregnant. I didn’t know I was so……” he trailed off, finding it hard to keep his emotions in control. He could feel himself revert back to his childhood self, relying on Maddie to help him, just wanting her to hold him in her arms and tell him everything would be okay.

“You aren’t a burden, Buck. Especially in this case, everyone cares about you and right now we want to help you in any way we can. I’m very glad you want me to be with you. I love you so much baby brother, don’t ever forget that, and if you do i will always be there to remind you again and again”

“I love you too Mads” He wrapped his arms around Maddie and hugged her reveling in the warmth of her arms. Not long later, Chimney walked into the room announcing that the hospital had cleared everything and that Buck could be released. Buck thanked his brother in law for getting up from the spot of the hospital bed, grabbing the very few things that he had with him and slowly walked himself out the door.

They met with Bobby outside of the hospital, who had managed to grab a few of Buck’s clothes from his loft plus his phone that had been left at the firestation the night before. Buck simply hugged Bobby and smiled slightly at his Captain. They got into Chimney's car and began to drive, Buck looked out of the window seeing the hospital disappear further until he couldn't see it anymore. His heart ached simply thinking about his son, still in there and would never get to see the outside world. He refused to let anymore tears fall so he turned his head and looked forwards. After thirty minutes, they finally reached Maddie and Chimney’s house, pulling into the driveway. Chim grabbed his overnight bags and headed into the house while Buck slowly got out of the car, still a bit sore but the dull ache being lessened by his new meds that the hospital had prescribed. As soon as they stepped inside they were met with the sounds of little feet running up to them, The Lee’s had looked after Jeeyun for the morning and had just dropped her off. As soon as they saw Chimney walk to the front steps they handed her over to her father while saying their brisk apologies and condolences for Buck not wanting to intrude during the difficult time.

“Uncle Buck!” the little voice cried out, coming into sight as she turned the corner, stuffed animal in hand. She ran up towards Buck and demanded to be picked up, Maddie trying to make things more comfortable for Buck stopped her from climbing over him. She knew her daughter could be a bit of a handful at times and didn’t want that to upset her baby brother even more.

“Jeeyun baby, let’s give Uncle Buck a little bit of time to get sorted okay? Then if he wants too he can play with you alright?”

“It’s fine Maddie, i’ll be okay with her, how could i refuse to play with this perfect little girl” He put on a big smile, though not reaching his eyes quite as much.
“Hi my beautiful girl, ooh i missed you” he said as he lifted up his niece, she giggled and squirmed in his arms as he tickled her slightly while leading her over to her play area. Maybe he needed this, the cutest distraction to help him find a way to get his mind out of the ugly grief that was tearing away at his walls, desperate to break him.

****

It was just after dinner, Maddie and Chimney refused to let Buck clean up after he had helped make the best dinner of their lives. Though it had originated from a coping mechanism for he who must not be named, she appreciated that Buck had found a new skill that everyone could benefit from. She looked over towards her daughter and her baby brother reading books on the couch, Jeeyun snuggled up tight in his strong arms, eyes slowly drooping as he slowed and lowered his voice gently trying to get her to sleep. She could feel tears welling in the corners of her eyes, when she’d heard that her baby brother had a stillbirth Maddie couldn’t believe it. Evan Buckley, the man who would do anything in order to help or protect children had lost something that he had secretly yearned for for many years. Chimney noticed his wife’s sullen mood, dropping the tea towel and coming over to wrap her in an embrace. She wiped at her eyes, her pregnancy hormones making it extra hard for her to get it together for the sake of Buck. Jeeyun had fallen asleep, Buck cradled his niece in his arms and took her into her bedroom, as if he had done this a million times. Looking like a natural born parent Maddie couldn’t help but feel a wave of sorrow come over her again.

“ I still feel bad that he’s here, I didn't even think about the fact that I'm pregnant, and made him stay with us. That's probably going to make him feel worse. Oh Chim” Maddie stumbled out, her emotions that were already difficult enough to deal with now ramped up to maximum levels for her baby brother.

“Hey, Buck loves you and Jeeyun and he definitely already loves his second niece or nephew as well. He would never feel bad about you being pregnant, he loves you way too much to be jealous over this. It’s going to be tough but it’s Buck, our Buck your brother, he will fight through this I guarantee and will come out fighting the other side, even if it takes him a bit longer than usual” Chimney reassured her.

“But what if he doesn’t? What if this is the one thing he can’t come back from, postpartum depression nearly killed me, what might happen to him especially because he doesn’t have his baby?” Maddie choked out, letting her husband hold her close as she wept for Buck.

“We just have to be there for him, we will make sure it doesn’t get to that stage, i’m sorry that i wasn’t able to help you more with Jeeyun but i promise that Buck will have everything and more to help him with this” They stayed in the kitchen for a brief time, holding each other tightly. As Maddie finally calmed down, they noticed Buck standing awkwardly just outside the kitchen.

“Umm…She’s fast asleep, and i think i’m going to sleep as well, being in a hospital bed shouldn’t really count as proper sleep, does my back in” Buck announced as he rubbed at his neck out of habit.

“Goodnight Buck, and let us know if you need anything at all okay? I don’t care how late or early it is, if something is wrong come to us” Maddie spoke earnestly, knowing her brother had difficulties in letting himself be taken care of. He simply nodded at his sister and walked into the spare room and grabbed his toothbrush.

As Buck went into the bathroom to brush his teeth he had an overwhelming urge to look in the mirror. He turned to the side and slightly lifted up his sleep shirt, his stomach looking like it had the day he gave birth. His hands trembled as he placed them on the surface, hardly believing that he was ever pregnant. It would have been nice, even if it wasn’t planned. He'd always wanted kids, he’d never thought about carrying them before until he realised he was bisexual and that could have been a possible path he might have chosen with a partner. But now, after feeling that intense connection with Alexander no matter how short it was, Buck couldn’t imagine not having his own child, one that he carried and laboured with, that connection though tiny, had sparked something in his heart and he’d be damned if he never wanted to feel it again. He traced his fingers over his stomach, thinking of what it would have been like if his pregnancy wasn’t cryptic. Would he have had morning sickness? Crazy cravings? Would he have gotten a bump? As he repeated those questions in his mind he knew that he was spiraling, all these what if’s doing nothing but hurting himself. He felt the tears threatening to fall again, Buck quickly moved his hand dropping the shirt. He quickly brushed his teeth and shuffled into the temporary sleeping arrangement, hiding himself under the covers hoping to escape the pain of reality. He hoped his dreams would be kinder to him than his reality.

****

—3 days later—

The weather seemed to become a reflection of Buck on the day he had buried his baby. The cold breeze fiercly pinching at his skin, and the drizzling of rain that settled on his face parallel to the coldness of the hospital room and the tears that rolled down his face as he said goodbye to his son the first time. The service only included the people who were there when he gave birth as well as Maddie, Athena and Karen who had all but stuck to his side the entire afternoon. The kids had stayed at Bobby and Athena’s with Carla, not wanting them to have to witness the burial of a baby that was so small. When the doctors at the hospital discussed options he had for how he wanted his baby to be put to rest he couldn’t bear to choose. Eddie had helped him with the arrangements. Just a small service, initially not wanting anyone else there, Eddie had convinced him that he should have his family with him. After that he had numbly sat through the rest of the discussions, he nearly threw up when he saw the tiny caskets that were at the funeral home and could only look once as they placed little Alexander in his final resting place.
After the procession had ended, Buck stayed standing near the small tombstone, barely believing that they could be this tiny. His family stood from afar knowing he needed this time and space. He hadn’t shed a tear in front of any of them since the day he gave birth, planning the small service and helping him around while he stayed with Maddie and Chimney. Not once did the team see him grieve. It felt like he was on automatic, trying to go back to his daily life without acknowledging the traumatic experience he had gone through.

“I should go to him,” Bobby said to his wife. He tried to move forward but felt a hand fall at his shoulder. Athena looked at her husband and shook her head in disagreement.

“Honey, i know it’s hard seeing Buck like this but we need to let him grieve in his own way, we will be here for him every step of the way but as the birth parent sometimes we need to have our own space” she spoke, “Plus i think that there is another person that he really needs right now” She nodded over to where Eddie was making his way over to the lone man.

Eddie placed a gentle hand on the small of Buck’s back. Eddie said something so quiet, which led to Buck’s gateways flooding. His unshed tears streaming down his face as he was pulled into a hug and nuzzled himself into Eddie’s neck. If the circumstances were different, the team would have been thrilled at the sight of the two painfully in love firefighters. They knew that the two men loved each other, it was so obvious to everyone except the men themselves somehow. Seeing Eddie being there for Buck ever since that day showed them that he was truly head over heels in love, that proof within the lingering touches and light kisses he gave to the younger while he was laboring. The bond between the two men was inseparable, yes they had their rocky moments but nothing could stop them from getting back to each other, their natural instincts to protect their partner and saving each other from the hands of death itself. It was far beyond a normal friendship and they desperately wanted to see them figure it out, but it was something that should only be done on their terms.

“You’re right, it’s just…”

“Hard to see him like this…I know, baby. It’s difficult for all of us to see Buck like this. But we need to let him make his own decisions on how he wants to deal with this and if something happens we will all be there for him no matter what”

“I love you” He smiled as he drew his wife closer to his side, kissing her on the cheek before heading over to where the others were standing. Each person in their tight knit family held their partner's hand as they headed towards their respective vehicles, waiting for the two men to follow to arrive at the Grant-Nash home at the same time.

Buck looked back at all of his family standing in the distance, his heart aching with love and sadness at the sight of all the people who cared about him. He turned around to look at the grave once more, squeezing his eyes as he gripped Eddie’s hand as they walked away. The words on the tombstone forever etched into his heart as well.

𝐀𝐥𝐞𝐱𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐑𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐁𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐥𝐞𝐲
𝐁𝐨𝐫𝐧 𝐒𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠
𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫.

****

Leaving the funeral, everyone had returned to Bobby and Athena’s house, wanting to all be together in a familiar place in order to find comfort within one another. They all got out of their respective cars and headed into the house to have a special afternoon dinner. Buck trailed behind, still reeling from the heavy emotions of the service. He watched as all his loved ones, their partners and the kids who had come out of the house to greet everyone, trail back into a home he had grown to love, one that had felt more like home than his childhood one.

“I think i'll just stay out here for a bit, if that’s okay” Buck croaked out as Athena enquired if he wanted to sit inside. The others had all settled into the house, but Buck needed a bit of time to himself. She nodded, walking closer to him and softly ran a hand through his curls, Buck smiled gently at this gesture, silently thanking the sergeant for her understanding.

“Of course baby, just know if you need any of us we are all in here ready to talk or hug..whatever you need” She went to walk away before a tug at her sleeve suddenly stopped her. She turned back to see the puppy eyed man shyly looking up at her obviously wanting to say something but having trouble in getting it out.
“It’s okay Buck, you can ask or tell me anything. Get it off your mind and chest” She could feel his hesitation, he let out a deep sigh as he readied himself for this hard conversation.

“Athena? How, how do parents move along when they lose a child? I can kind of understand what my parents were going through, it kind of makes sense that they didn’t like me much . Hell, I had no clue I was pregnant so I don't know why it’s hitting me this way. I only knew about him for a few hours but it’s killing me like I have had him for longer” he confessed. Athena looked at him with sorrow and moved to sit on the chair in front of him.

“Now listen, just because you didn’t know about your boy doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to mourn him. i can tell that you wanted him, when Bobby told me about what had happened i was devastated because i knew you would have been the best father to that angel and that you already loved him the moment you realised you were having him” She sat up and looked him in the eyes, a determined and authoritative glare he knew was something to not fuck with, a lesson he had learned many years ago.

“Yeah…. i really did Athena, even when i knew he was…gone when i held him i never wanted to let him go. For a moment I thought he was sleeping, convinced myself that he would wake up and start screaming and I would be able to look into his eyes and comfort him.” he confessed, remembering his desperate silent wishes for his son to open his eyes but he knew that it wasn't going to happen.

“But you listen to me Evan Buckley and you listen real good. Don’t ever think that you were ever allowed to be treated like that. Your parents mourned yes, but used that as an excuse to hurt you, treat you differently even though you were still their son. I would rather die than ever do that to my child , and I bet you wouldn’t do that either if you decide to have another baby in the future.”

“Of course not” he said, stunned, feeling physically sick at the idea of putting his own child into the situation he was put into as a child. Though he was never physically abused, he felt alone in his house once Maddie left, desperately seeking a parent's love that had never existed, well just not for him.

“Good, because Evan you are just as important and loved like the rest of us. The fact that you mother and father did not see that is unspeakably horrendous. You have all of us and we all care about you. I’ve watched you grow up, seen the different versions of you through highs and lows, and I am proud of the person you have become.” His face flushed at the praise, trying to forget the trouble Buck 1.0 put Athena through.

“You know Buck, I had a miscarriage between May and Harry, that’s why there is a bit of an age gap. I was devastated , and I know how much it means to have a support system.” She sat closer to him, placing a knee next to his, a slight comfort without putting too much pressure into physical contact if he didn’t want it.

“Really? I’m so sorry Thena, i didn’t know that”

“Not many people do. I don’t really talk about it that much, it was in the early stages and I knew that it wasn’t an uncommon thing to happen but it killed me just the same. But talking about it does make it a bit easier each time, so if you ever need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen all of us are here remember that” Athena held his hands tightly, rubbing across his knuckles in a soothing way. A few tears escaping, he sniffled as he tried to wipe the tears away but was stopped by Athena placing her hand and doing it herself. His heart swelled at the motherly love he never really got to experience properly as a young boy.

“Thanks Athena, I really needed that. It’s nice to hear something like that from someone who has experienced something similar. I mean I love that everyone’s trying in their own way but this feels..it’s something i needed to hear.”

“I love you too baby, now come on let’s get your face washed up first and then get something to eat. Bobby’s making your favourite” They pulled each other into a hug, the weight on his shoulders feeling just a bit lighter.

****

“Hi Buck” Chris said as he sat down next to his other father. Eddie watched them from a distance, zoning out of the conversation between Hen and Bobby making sure that both of his boys were alright. The two were sitting on the patio of Athena and Bobby’s house after enjoying the main meal of the night.

“Hey buddy, how’s my favourite hero doing?” Putting an arm around the boy, Buck felt a bit more grounded than he had in the past week. Christopher always had this way to make Buck feel better, seeing the smile on that kid's face was better than any kind of drug or medicine to help him heal. He hadn’t seen Christopher until today, he’d felt terrible for not being able to face the boy, not right after losing his own. The bittersweet feeling of seeing the 118 kids all together, if he thought about it he could’ve seen them doting and cherishing his boy.

“I’ve missed you Buck, and I'm really sorry about your baby” he whispered as he placed his head on Buck’s shoulder. Buck let out a shaky breath, trying to keep it together in front of him.

“Thanks bud, i missed you too….it’s hard for me right now but a lot of people are helping me, especially you so i think….i'll be okay soon, it’s going to take a while but i’m hoping that i can work through it”

“I think that wherever your baby is, he is safe with mum….she can take care of him because you take care of me” Christopher said lightly, humming as he watched the other 118 kids quietly. Not realising how significant those words were for him. Buck choked on a small sob, bringing Christopher into a tight embrace, hiding his face into the boy's hair and whispering thank you’s.

“Man….you need to stop growing up on me kid, i feel old now” he choked out wiping away his tears as he let Chris break away from the hug.The fourteen year old snorted slightly bumping his weight against him.

“So you are coming to stay with me and dad for a couple of nights?” Chris exclaimed excitedly, “I have a new game and I want to play it with you.” This made Buck’s heart grow bigger, it was hard now with the teenager who only wanted to play or hang out with his best friends from school. Hearing that he was thinking about playing it with Buck made him feel elated.

“Of course buddy, i know for a fact that you’ve been excited for the release, i won't let you win easily”

“You don’t have to let me win cause I can easily beat you, no offense Buck but you aren't very good at video games” Christopher laughed, Buck smiled.

“Alright Mr Smartypants, i think Harry and Denny want you to go in and help them out with their new game, i’ll be in soon” Buck watched as Christopher made his way inside, laughing to himself as they all began to make their way into Harry’s room. The cool breeze felt sort of nice, a reminder that he was still attached to the real world, instead of walking around in the numbing nightmare that was the aftermath of his stillbirth. The footsteps echoing across the patio told him he had another visitor though he didn’t need to open his eyes to see who it was.

“Hey, you okay? I mean well...sorry wrong choice of words, but i noticed you with Christopher and i just wanted to make sure that he didn’t say anything that might have upset you, you know teenagers and their no filter brains” Eddie stumbled out.

“Eddie it’s fine, Chris just said something sweet and it just hit me harder than i expected, but it wasn’t bad i promise”

“Did that to you too huh? I had a similar conversation a couple of days ago. I don’t know how he got so smart, must be you rubbing off on him” He joked, Buck chuckled and leaned towards Eddie, gently shoving his shoulder in retaliation.

“Are you still okay with me coming to stay for a few nights?” Buck sheepishly said, ducking his head in embarrassment, he never expected the funeral to be so soon, so he’d stayed at Maddies for an extra day. Plus it felt nice being doted on by his sister like that, like he was nine again and she was helping ice his injuries after another unsuccessful stunt. Though obviously he could not stay for too long not with the impending baby on the way anyways he would never want to intrude.

“Of course! Chris is keen for you to play that new game with him, don’t know why he didn’t even ask me? Plus you kinda live at my place most of the time so it’s not a major issue, think of it like an extended sleepover.”

“Yeah you got me there. But hey… i guess you aren't cool enough to play it with him, too old to understand what the kids these days are into”

“Wow really low blow there Buckley, as i seem to remember we were born in the same year so i think if that means i’m too old, then you might be as well”

“No way i’m still young at heart, anyway you're more mature so that means you're older, that’s how it works i decided” They both laughed at the silliness of Bucks explanation, unconsciously leaning closer to each other as if they were two magnets impossible to keep them away.

“Eddie, I just want to thank you, for everything. I know I've just been a whole mess, and making you go through the aftermath of my grief and me now crying to your kid…god” Buck kept his head straight as he spoke, not wanting to look at Eddie directly as he apologised.

“Buck….hey look at me okay? Just like that alright” Eddie lifted his face gently making eye contact that could make the coldest block of ice melt under the intensity. “You didn’t make me ‘go through’ anything, I wanted to be there for you the entire time. When you were in pain all i was thinking about was how to make it go away. I hate seeing you suffer, and when Hen said that you were pregnant and you wanted me out of everyone including Bobby to help support you I felt so grateful.The fact you let me help you through one of the biggest moments of your life means so much to me, that i’m a person you could trust. Remember when we first worked together and I said you can have my back and you’d said that I could have yours, well i haven’t forgotten that yet. So this is me upholding that promise, which I will always do okay?” Buck felt another threat of tears escaping his eyes at Eddie’s words. Having the reassurance that his best friend wanted to do this struck at his emotions digging a deeper hole of his (not so) hidden feelings for the man.

“Well you literally did have my back in that moment” he blurted out, not really knowing how to reply to Eddie’s words.

“I didn’t realise that having your back meant that I would be used as your human back support while you gave birth but hey had to honour my word whether literally or metaphorically right?” The two men laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation.

“Fuck my face hurts” Buck sniffed, yet again wiping the tear stains off his face, “I’m so sick of crying, i don’t know how i still have water in my body ” The two laughed once again and pulled eachother into a tight hug. Buck let himself melt into Eddie’s arms for a bit longer than he would normally allow himself, his heart longing for comfort.

“Let’s get back in alright, it’s far too cold out here plus i think it’s dessert time, and we definitely don’t want to miss out on Bobby’s new recipe”

They went back inside after feeling the cool breeze wave over more intensley and as Eddie went into the kitchen, Buck sat on the couch. He got caught up in different small talk with everyone else, and when the three boys came back out of Harry’s room they headed straight towards the living room. Chris sat himself next to Buck, Not long after they got settled in, May came into the room and sat herself on the other side of Buck, he put his other arm around the 20 year old as she placed her arms around his waist in a silent gesture of sympathy. Soon after the other kids came over to the couch, Harry and Denny sat down on either side of his legs, and curled up against Buck. Neither spoke a word but he knew what they were trying to communicate. Noticing where everyone was going, Jeeyun climbed out of her fathers arms and hopped into the small gap that was left on his lap and cuddled close to Bucks chest. With the warmth of all the children around him it didn’t take too long for him to fall asleep, followed by the kids themselves. Athena, noticing the sudden quietness of the house, walked out of the kitchen and looked to see the precious scene that was in front of her. She alerted the others, who then came to look in awe at the beautiful moment in front of them.

“I’m glad that they all realise how much he needs them, even if they aren’t fully aware of it” Maddie spoke softly as she watched her daughter nuzzle up close to her Uncle's neck, the way she did with her own parents.

“They all love him so much, we are all lucky to have each other” Hen responded as she and Karen watched in awe as Denny shifted slightly against Buck’s leg.
Photos were taken and then were left in peace as the adults began to clean up quietly around them. After an hour and a half, the kids slowly woke up one by one. Eddie gently woke Buck and Christopher up, encouraging his two favourite sleepy boys to get to the car so they could properly get into their beds. Each person gave Buck a hug and promised that they would visit or call depending on what he needed, he left feeling more exhausted but his heart full from his family’s love.

****

Buck had been at Eddie’s house longer than he anticipated. The routine they had started to settle in became his new normal. His heart ached at what would happen when he’d finally have to go back to his empty and quiet apartment. Being alone with his thoughts terrified him, although he felt bad for having all of the team fussing over him and constantly checking up on him, Buck felt relieved that he didn’t have to think about what had happened in more depth, not just yet that would be done in the comfort of his own bed and alone. Every night they found themselves on Eddie’s couch watching something that Chris had recently discovered or one of the new documentaries that Buck had been waiting to see. Watching as penguins on the screen huddled together, Buck’s eyes shone in wonder, learning about the symbolism of stones within their courtship rituals, as both a gift and nesting material. Eddie barely watched the screen, focusing on the endearing face of his best friend as he processed these new facts that he would no doubt be hearing as he explained to anyone who would listen. Eddie thought about all of Buck’s cute habits. The ways in which Buck would fiddle nervously with anything that he held, his little tangents and random facts he would blurt out whenever things go too quiet or awkward and the way he glowed with joy whenever he was able to make someone feel better or do something that helped them. All these little habits were now being perceived in a different light as he processed his feelings, or maybe that's how he had always seen Buck, Eddie just needed to put on a pair of glasses to see it more clearly. His heart raced inside his chest as Buck turned around to face him, his ears burning red as the man he liked..no loved began talking about the documentary. Eddie couldn't focus on his words, too caught up in his realisation to even comprehend what Buck was saying, he felt bad when Buck furrowed his eyebrows in concern but to be fair his brain was trying to catch up on the indescribable feeling of being in love with your best friend.

“Uh Eddie….are you okay? You look a bit flushed?” Buck asked in concern, not realising the hurricane of emotions that were flooding through Eddie’s mind in that moment. Well he would after hearing these next words.

“I love you” spilled out of Eddie’s mouth before he could even think. His hands quickly made their way to his mouth in genuine shock.

What the fuck? Did he just say that out loud? The words simply tumbled out of his mouth, just as he was beginning to understand them.

Buck sat on his couch in a sweater that somehow made the 6’2 man look small which was a difficult feat to do. His eyes were wide as he processed the words that came from his best friend's mouth. The room felt eerily quiet, even as the documentary played on in the background, all he could focus on was those three very distinct words.

“Uh...i love you too Ed’s?” he squeaked out, trying to keep the idea that it was a general admission that friends would say in a certain serious situation otherwise his brain would start going haywire at the idea of Eddie actually loving him the way that he did with him. Eddie looked at him in dismay, did he really not understand that it was an outright ‘I’m actually in love with you’ declaration? Before Buck could simply move on as if it was a supportive sentiment Eddie took his chance to say something. Now that the opportunity was in front of him, Eddie knew he would probably never be brave enough to say it again, he had to take this chance.

“Wait no not like that…i mean yes like that but also more than that. Buck, I've been in love with you for years. I’ve never let myself fully believe it, repressed catholic guilt kicking my ass, but I know now. This is the worst timing and you have so many other things on your mind and me saying this to you is just going to complicate things and I don't want to ruin our friendship but….” Eddie rambled on, but was interrupted by Buck’s voice.

“Eddie”

“….yeah”

“…..I love you too. I only just realised recently, but with this whole…thing. The way you helped me through the scariest time of my life, being there when I thought I would never stop crying, helping me pick out a name and you and Chris just helping me by simply being here and making me feel an extent of normalcy for the first time since it happened. But if this is not really real, i don’t think i’d be able to handle it so please Eddie, don’t lie because it would kill me”

“Buck, Chris already thinks of you as his other dad, honestly I think he knows that I've liked you for a while. I could never lie to you about how much I love you and I never will. You have survived so much and helped me to survive and keep on going in return. I don’t know who I'd be now if you weren’t in my life, and I don't ever want to know if you weren’t in it. I…if this is too much for you I'd understand but simply having you in my life, in our lives is already enough and I don’t ever want to lose that because of this.”

“Eddie, you will never lose me, I promise. You and Christopher are the main reasons why I'm even able to keep moving forward right now. It’s been so hard, losing a baby I never knew I had and that kills me knowing that I could have had that opportunity to be half as great as you as a father. I just…I don't know what i would do without you guys”

“You are already a great dad. You love Alexander with all of your heart, and would have been an amazing father to him but you’ve been helping me raise Christopher for the past what six, seven years? You are his best friend, his Buck and that is the epitome of being that kind of figure in his life. I wasn’t there for most of his earlier years and I regret it everyday, and when Shannon died I wasn't sure how I would cope with raising him by myself but I realised I wasn't. From the moment you met Chris and had an instant connection with him, I knew I could trust you with him, it felt like placing my heart in your hands but now I can do that too. Introducing Carla to us and making sure Chris felt heard and seen with school or making something that would let him feel like the other kids. You have been, are and will always be a dad, whether it is Chris or your son” Buck swallowed back a sob after hearing Eddie’s words.

“Thank you Eddie…..*sniff*.. You don’t know how happy that makes me.” Buck choked out. Eddie wrapped his arm around Buck and rubbed his arm, allowing Buck to comprehend how Eddie himself see’s Buck as this important figure in Christopher’s life.

“So Chris was the one who pushed you to confess?” Buck asked as he tried to regain his composure, sitting upright again after Eddie had explained the conversation he had with Christopher a few days beforehand and chuckled at the memory of his son eagerly telling him to ‘make the first move’ as he pointed out.

“Yeah…he said that we were both so obviously in love with each other and that we’ve basically been a couple for years unofficially” Buck laughed into Eddie's shoulder, which he found to be his new comfort place.

“So basically it’s just been us that have been blind to each other's feelings. Cause i think even everyone else on the team also had their suspicions about us”

“Pretty much” Eddie shrugged, pressing his leg against Buck’s. A silence fell over the two, not awkward but a comfortable atmosphere with no words needing to be spoken as they tried to figure out what to do next. They sat so close to each other you’d think they were physically attached at the hips, Eddie could feel Buck’s legs shaking up and down, a nervous tick.

“Nervous?”

“That obvious huh?”

“I feel the same. You know how nerve wracking it is to confess your feelings to your best friend?”

“Actually yes i do, wow we have so much in common already”

“You’re an idiot,” Eddie sighed fondly as Buck’s face lit up like a puppy who had just heard the word treat. His eyes wide and starry mirroring the soft and endearing deep brown ones of Eddie, the genuine Buck smile that had been dimmed as of late now returned to its fullest. Eddie’s heart swelled at the sight and couldn't help but bring Buck into his arms, “C’mere mi amor” he uttered lightly. The two firefighters held onto each other tightly, losing themselves in the tight embrace for what felt like hours before lifting their heads up staring into each other's eyes and softly kissing. Salty tears ran down their faces into their kisses, they laughed and separated to wipe each other's away, and for once Eddie wasn’t the one to move away first. Eddie stared at Buck like he had hung the stars in the sky themselves and his presence burned brighter than any sun ever would. Putting his hand and running it through his curls, he took his time to explore Buck in more detail, more intimately than he had ever done with any girlfriend he had. Eddie traced around his face like he was painting a picture, one that he only wanted to put in a private gallery, only for Eddie to see the way he looked in that moment, selfishly indulging in the sight.

“What are you staring at?” Buck giggled while slightly turning red as Eddie traced around his birthmark, smiling at Eddie’s concentration on his face.

Oh. Eddie thought. He could listen to that sound for hours.

“Just my handsome boyfriend,” he replied without hesitation. As soon as he said it Eddie groaned at his second sudden rambling out his feelings, he felt his ears burn and face flush. They didn’t need a label on their relationship, they had literally just let themselves share their feelings but that term just felt. Right.

“Boyfriend?” Buck questioned in a small voice, not wanting to seem too eager at the sudden change in relationship status.

“um, yeah. If you want it to be like that, I don't want to force you to put a label on it. I don't want it to feel like I'm saying it without meaning it. God, I'm really bad at this. Is that how it feels when you actually like someone?”

“Eddie, it's fine. It sounds…..amazing. Trust me i know you mean it, it’s just you know how i’ve never been good at relationships, i always end up pushing them away and do something weird i don’t want that happening with me and you, plus i didn’t even know you were into men like that? How long have you been holding up on me?”

“Not just any man, you. And honestly i only realised that i was actually gay recently, a weird juice metaphor and a hot priest somehow led me to that realisation” Buck looked confused.

“I don’t think I'm going to ask about that, but I'm so glad you were able to figure that out. Figuring something like that out feels like a weight off your chest, believe me. But oh god Eddie that was soooo cheesy, are you absolutely sure you haven’t been watching too many telenovelas with Christopher?”

“Hey as I told you so many times, it's for Spanish lessons, plus it’s good background noise for when I'm doing something around the house.”

“Sure…I definitely believe you, not because of all of the juicy drama they have or maybe you like the cheesy love scenes?”

“Uh fine, I think Chris was right, we’ve been watching too many telenovelas” Eddie sighed dramatically as if he wasn’t the one deeply riveted by some of the ridiculous storylines in the shows. “But don’t act like you haven't watched trashy TV before, I've seen your Netflix history”

“Okay well unlike you, I actually admit it. Sometimes it's fun watching pointless shows that don’t really have any plot. Plus you don’t really have to think too hard to understand anything, brain melting television i like to call it.” The two chuckled at their choices in television. After a moment, Buck spoke up again in a more apprehensive tone.

“Hey, are you sure you want to be stuck with me? I am a bit much at times and sometimes the novelty wears off after a while. Ask any of my exes” Buck laughed with no real energy behind it, trying to get the extra reassurance that Eddie wanted the same thing he did, still scared of being left behind. Deep down he knew that Eddie would never do that, but the wriggling thought at the back of his mind needed the vocalised confirmation to truly believe it.

“Hey I've stuck around you for years, I'm not leaving any time soon. We can both learn one step at a time together, we are Buck and Eddie, the dream team so everyone says.” Eddie smiled, knowing Buck’s issues with people leaving, wanting to make sure that he didn’t feel like Eddie was going to do the same.

“Speaking of everyone….” Buck trailed off.

“I don’t want to think about how many bets they've made. Making money from our idiocracy” Eddie sighed knowing that somehow Chimney would be making the rounds soon to either brag or complain about losing whatever they thought would happen that got them together.

“Well look on the brightside, at least we know they’ll be supportive, plus we can just make them feel a bit bad for doing it then bam bet money is ours” Buck schemed as Eddie smiled fondly at his idea.

They looked back at each other and held each other's hands tightly, their hearts bursting with joy as they curled up close and sunk deep into the couch letting themselves savor the moment. The documentary being long forgotten as they became lost within a bubble of their own happiness. It didn’t take long for either of the firefighters to fall asleep, somehow fitting themselves onto the couch together even though they were both tall and not exactly on the smaller side. The next morning Christopher came out of his room to find his two dads tangled together, both still asleep but with soft smiles etched across their faces. The fourteen year old just smiled, relieved that they had finally figured things out and went back into his bedroom before they could wake up. Once they did, theyall enjoyed a peaceful morning, as a happy family.

****

“Are you sure you are up to being back on duty, it’s okay to take a few more days off Buck” Bobby asked even though he already knew what Buck's answer would surely be. It had been a week after the funeral and two weeks since Alexander’s birth and he had decided that he needed to get back to normalcy.

As he walked alongside Bobby, Buck tried hard not to stare at the spot in which his life changed forever, like nothing had ever happened, back to its normal place with nothing but a haunting memory as a reminder.He let out a sigh as he looked back up to Bobby and gave a quick smile.

“I know Bobby…i can’t say that i’m still not over it….i mean it was a crazy thing to happen, but i need this….something that feels normal, doing my job and saving people it’s what i live for”

“Okay kid, just don’t work yourself down to the bone. We all love you, don’t forget to live for us, live for you and especially for Alexander” Hearing his baby’s name being used sparked a warmth in his heart. Not many people had been saying his name, just using the term baby, so hearing it helped Buck to keep the memory of Alexander alive.

“Thanks Cap…i really appreciate it” The father son duo hugged each other tightly before they went to the places they needed to be. He walked up the stairs to see the rest of his team enjoying their breakfast, Hen noticing him first and waving him down with a cheerful smile plastered on her face.

“Oh Buck we’ve missed you”

“You guys see me everyday though? basically” he chuckled, reminiscing on all the casual visits and check in his found family had been doing throughout the two weeks.

“Oh you know what i mean c'mon we’ve already got you a plate set up, saved the best ones for you” she pointed to the pile of fluffy pancakes that had been freshly baked not long before he came in. He sat down next to Hen, basking in her presence, and silently appreciating his friend.

“Hey Hen, I just wanted to say thank you. for everything, i don’t say it a lot but that day, you were so helpful and brilliant even though i already know you’re one of the best paramedics ever. and if, if Alexander was alive i would have made you his godmother” Buck confessed.

“Oh Buckaroo, I am so glad you felt safe with me and Chim helping you. It was so hard seeing you go through all of that. I wish there was a way that we could have helped more”

“You did everything you could Hen, the doctors told me that because of the pregnancy being unknown and working in a job that is especially as dangerous as ours. that there wasn’t any chance that he would have survived and you did what you needed to do and more, for that i will always be grateful” The two hugged, squeezing gently.

Buck turned to Chim sharing a similar thankful look, knowing he didn’t have to say anything because Chimney already knew his gratitude.

“Buck it’s absolutely fine, it’s our job and you are our family, but still i think i’ve seen a bit too much of my brother in law now” Buck laughed as Chim looked like he had been scarred for life.

“Yea ditto on that. I don’t think i can look you in the eyes the same way” the joke felt easy, it didn’t bring up any bad memories and somehow made him feel comfortable in a way.

Eddie soon came up the stairs heading straight towards his boyfriend, coming up behind and placing a hand on his waist and quickly kissing his cheek. Buck blushed and returned the favor and walked over to the coffee machine to grab another one for Eddie.

“Hey hey, no PDA guys c’mon i’m still eating” Chim complained with a mouth full of pancakes, making Buck laugh and Eddie roll his eyes at the man.

“Y’all are so cute together, but yea maybe keep it down a little, we don’t need a repeat of Buck 1.0 with you two making out behind a fire truck or something” Hen joked as well. The relief of being open and accepted by his colleagues helped Eddie feel more confident, and seeing the cute blush that crept up around his boyfriends ears was also an added bonus.

“How did today feel?” Eddie asked as he moved around putting dishes away. They had just arrived home after Bucks first 24 hour shift being on the roster since Alexander, and their first after announcing their new relationship status with the station. Everyone had celebrated, though a majority were not surprised and had congratulated the finally confirmed couple. Bobby looked proud but also wary, already having the paperwork set out in his office so they could fix it up later in their shift and Chimney mourning the loss of 50 dollars to a happy looking Hen.

Before they had gone to work, the pair went and told Maddie first, not wanting her to hear about their new relationship from her husband. Maddie had squealed at a pitch Buck didn't even think dogs could hear as she slowly waddled over to them and gave them the warmest hug. She had let them know that she had been rooting for them from the beginning, relaying all the moments Buck had gushed about his new work friend to Eddie . Buck had gone beet red as Eddie laughed fondly at Buck’s embarrassment.

“Thank you for loving my brother, even if you didn’t understand it back then. I’m glad he has you” She whispered to Eddie as they had rushed out the door, trying not to be late for Buck’s first shift back.

“It isn’t all that hard to do. I’m just glad that we actually figured our shit out”

“You think you are? I’ve been waiting for this forever” The two laughed before Buck came back and quickly hugged Maddie goodbye before dragging Eddie out the door, excited to finally come back to work.

“It felt good, i’m exhausted but being back helped me feel a sense of normalcy. It was kind of difficult seeing the couches...the place that changed my life was just clean and proper like nothing ever happened, but I'll never forget” he breathed out, thinking about that night. “But man, I'm glad that I can be back. I’ve missed teaming up with you and actually having to do things that aren’t just moping around the house or boring domestic things.

After dinner and their new settled nighttime routines had been finished, Buck climbed in next to Eddie, snuggling up against his now boyfriend. His eyes drooped slowly as he listened to the soothing heartbeat of Eddie’s chest and quickly succumbed to sleep.

Buck found himself walking into his and Eddie’s room, the large cot settled in the corner, hearing disgruntled noises he quickly moved his way to the crib. Looking down he saw his son, little Alexander fussing, pouting while waiting to be coddled. The baby looked up at him, gurgling and wriggling around, Buck smiled as he picked the baby out of the cot, securing him in his arms and bouncing him gently. He stared in awe at his tiny son, cooing at the infant, trying to soothe him to sleep.
“It’s nap time for you little mister, why aren’t you going to sleep?” he whispered to the wide eyed baby, who just dribbled in response. Buck giggled as he grabbed the nearest cloth and wiped the little pout gently. “Let me sing you to sleep, okay? don’t judge me, i’m not as good as your Aunt Maddie” He paced around the dimly lit bedroom as he rocked Alexander to sleep, singing in the softest tone he could.

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monsters gone, he’s on the run

And your daddy’s here

Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful

Beautiful Boy

The little boy yawned as the soft vibrations of Buck’s voice along with the constant bouncing helped to tire him out and relax. Soon enough he fell asleep, Buck smiled as he went back to the cot and placed the baby in. He sat there watching for what felt like hours, admiring the pure innocence of his son, standing up again he looked back over and noticed that the boy was no longer breathing. Buck panicked as he tried to wake the lifeless body of his baby but it was no use, he was gone, just like when he was born. He tried to scream out to someone to help his son but there was nobody around, just him in the empty room. He picked Alexander up again and held him as tightly as he could, sobbing.

“Please please please…..don’t go…dont leave me. not again” he sobbed, his back hitting the wall as he slid down it. Sobs wracking his body, no control over Suddenly feeling that the bundle he was holding felt light, he looked down to see himself holding an empty swaddle as if there was no child at all to begin with. He whimpered, continuing to hold the blanket to his chest and ran around the room desperately looking for his baby. He could feel himself getting lightheaded desperately trying to find the baby while he tried to breathe through gut wrenching cries and foggy tear filled eyes. He finally collapsed in the centre of the room which was now empty, all four walls seemed to be caving in on him, no doors, no windows, just him alone in that room.

“Alexander?! Eddie help, he’s gone, please” Buck gasped as his eyes shot open. Eddie, already awake after hearing Buck whimper in his sleep, just looked at him with a sad expression, not knowing if Buck understood what he was saying. The screams mirrored the ones he had after having nightmares about losing Chris after the tsunami hit, but this nightmare was real.

“Buck.” Eddie spoke

“What….”

“Buck…..” he stated again, trying to make Buck realize what he had been saying. A look of comprehension flooded his face as a fresh set of tears poured out of his tired eyes. Eddie cupped his cheek and wiped the tear streaks that rolled down rapidly.

“Why does everyone leave me Ed’s……” he cried out, the palms of his hands pressed into his eyes. Even in his dreams no one was there, all by himself, leaving him on his own to deal with what he had done, his chest felt like it was being crushed by his own guilt.

“Hey hey...i am never going to leave you okay? Me and Chris, we are always going to take care of our Buck alright?” Eddie spoke.

“Mi amor, just breathe okay, follow my own?” he instructed, the man nodded as he began to slow down his breaths, shuddering but eventually getting more settled. “That's it…good job” Eddie hushed, bringing Buck close to his chest. After regaining a steady breathing pattern, Buck nuzzled into the crook of Eddie’s neck.
“Can you tell me about your dream? It’s okay if you aren’t up to it, but maybe talking about it will help”

“It was just so real….he was looking at me and smiling, he was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. I was rocking and singing him to sleep and then I put him in his crib. For a while he was fine but the next thing I knew, he wasn’t breathing and he looked like when he was born.” Eddie listened as Buck explained his nightmare. “And then when I was holding him, trying to bring him back, he disappeared. Vanished, like he was never there to begin with. But he was real wasn’t he? please tell me he was”

“Buck…your son was real, he is. Alexander Robert Buckley, your baby was as real as you and I. Don’t doubt for a second that he wasn’t, even if he wasn’t here for long he is and always will be your son okay?” Buck didn’t have any words so he just hummed, burrowing his face back in his boyfriend's neck. They stayed like that for a while, Eddie almost turning the lights and television off, believing Buck to be asleep until he was met with a small voice speaking up.

“You know, the nurse…she told me that Alexander was nearly the size of a full term baby, she was shocked at how big he was for a…still born” Buck spoke as he moved from out of his position in Eddie’s neck. The lights were dim, and the muffled noises that came from the tv provided a background of comfort.

“Really?” Eddie whispered as he traced shapes around Buck's arm. He knew Buck was trying hard to be strong when discussing Alexander and he was so proud of his partner for allowing himself to talk through the grief. Eddie often struggled with asking for help, and talking about his own struggles but Buck had been there for him throughout those hard times. Breaking down in his room while Chris was home, Buck had been nothing but a saint in reassuring Christopher and getting Eddie the help he needed. Though he wasn’t perfect at doing this all the time, he was reaching a point that allowed him to feel more comfortable in sharing those feelings. Using the same advice he was given, he wanted Buck to be able to feel and talk about this trauma he had gone through.

“Y…yeah, it’s weird that I was basically like nine months pregnant, but I never actually felt any of the symptoms. I feel like I should've at least been able to…i don’t know…isn’t it a whole thing, parents having an extra sense for their kids?”

“Don’t ever think for one second that this makes you a bad parent, you couldn’t have known. I don’t know everything that’s happening with Chris, even though sometimes that would be handy indeed. But also you should be proud, even though he didn’t make it, like you said Alexander was a good size so that means you without even noticing helped him to grow properly. You were still an amazing parent even though you didn’t know you were one” Buck’s cheeks flushed a dusty pink at those words, staring up at Eddie with his baby blue’s he brought his hand up to caress his face and placed a kiss on Eddie’s lips.

“I love you Eddie” At those words Eddie turned the same shade as Buck. He brought his lips back to his boyfriends and kissed him even more, like a man in the desert finally finding a source of water and greedily taking as much as he could.

“I love you more Buck” He breathed out, lips still touching Buck’s as their foreheads touched one another.

“Impossible” Buck whispered back. Buck fell back into Eddie’s arms and squeezed him tight. Once he thought the other man was asleep, Buck grabbed his phone from the nightstand and began reading different articles. Eddie, who had lightly dozed off, found himself awake again and could see the familiar faint glow of a phone from Buck’s hands. Even though he knew Buck would be tired the next day he watched as the man focused entirely on the dimmed screen in front of him, admiring his partner’s constant eagerness to learn new things. After a few minutes of silence, Buck looked back up at Eddie who he was surprised to see awake still and smiled sheepishly.

“It’s fine Buck, you can tell me what you've read” He encouraged him, knowing that he’d be buzzing with the need to tell him what he had learned, even at 2am Eddie would indulge him, though he would still make sure that he would actually fall asleep at some point.

“Did you know that about 1 in 2500 pregnancies are unknown until delivery? and that it’s usually people who’ve already had babies recently or with certain ovarian problems. But there’s barely any research for male carriers with cryptic pregnancy because it’s more detectable for us.” he scrambled, a usual Buck research moment that Eddie had sorely missed, knowing that he was slowly becoming more of his bright personality again. “And it’s more common for cryptic pregnancies to cause stillbirth”

“Doing some research on it mi amor?”

“Yeah…i was just thinking if we end up having a call that involved something like that i would know more, and could probably help. People like hearing stories from people who have gone through the same or similar things, it makes them feel less alone.” Reflecting back into Athena’s wise words that opened up his mind and heart.

“That sounds like a good idea, now tell me more” And with that, Buck let himself flow his emotions into what he had learned and how it helped to continue his grieving journey that would allow him to heal. The rest of the night Eddie laid down and indulged in Buck’s words, taking every point to heart as he watched the spark in his eyes. Loving Buck was easy as it was breathing, probably even more, knowing that this beautiful man loved him the same way just frazzled his mind. Allowing himself to receive joy was the best advice that he had gotten because it gave him this. A wonderful partner, a healthy and happy son and a job that he was proud of, and finally living in a world where he could be himself.

****

2 weeks later-

The couple were sitting on the couch, a random movie playing though they weren’t paying it much attention, just basking in each other's presence. Eddie combing through Bucks curls, one of his new favourite habits that allows himself to indulge him. Sue him. His boyfriend has gorgeous locks. Buck played with Eddie’s hands, gently interlocking their fingers and squeezing lightly. God they were so big.

“Am I selfish?” Eddie’s head turned so fast he could feel the ache already setting in.

“What are you talking about mi amor?”

“That i didn’t tell Tommy, like it was his baby too. Like i know we left things on bad terms but maybe...I don't know.” he shrugged as he slumped, insecurity with his own decisions weighing down on him. He’d been thinking about it more recently, now that he felt like he could talk about Alexander more without the threat of a breakdown, he began reflecting on the things he did not do or the people he never told. Mainly Tommy, the actual father of his child, and his parents but he knew that they probably wouldn’t have cared anyway. Just another reason to blame him for something that wasn’t his fault. So that led back to the whole reason that he had a baby in the first place.

“He did….not you, he was the selfish one just because you hadn’t been with another man before. Some people might say you should have but I firmly believe that you have every right to as long as you have people to help you, which you definitely do, you don’t have to tell him or your parents for that matter.”

“I was pretty confident in not telling them. They probably just would have blamed me for losing their grandchild. Plus I don't think they even know I'm a carrier so it wouldn't have mattered anyway. But…even though I don't like him anymore, shouldn't he have the chance to understand that he could have been a father? If it was you…would you want to know?” Eddie looked deep in thought as Buck asked that question.

“Personally, if it was me, I would appreciate being told, but it is entirely up to you Buck. He walked out on you first and it's not like he had much to do in the first place, you did all the work”

“You’re right. Plus I don't think I could talk to him again. To be honest i don’t think i actually liked him, I think i was trying to direct my feelings onto another person to not think about the possibility of me liking you. I thought i was jealous of you hanging out with him but thinking about it now it was the complete opposite”

“I think I still have the bruises from that basketball game” Buck cringed as he thought about his behaviour at the game.

“Please don’t remind me, I still have nightmares over how embarrassing that was” he groaned as he covered his face with his hands.

“I’m just glad you didn't actually do that over him. Like i know i was his friend but seriously Buck…I know that i’ve only recently realised that i like guys but….him?”

“Shut up, you know it was misdirected, Maddie literally told you the other day. Also I don't know how she always knows these things, it gets kinda creepy sometimes But i just want to forget about him and focus on the future.”

“It's called being a sister Buck, I know mine would be harassing me and going nuts if they saw how I’d been acting with you, it's like they have an extra sense for these kinds of things. Moving forward is the right thing to do, especially now that we have figured things out more or less”

“Do you think it is easier for you to talk about Alexander now? I know that there is never a time frame for grief, I still find it hard to talk about Shannon with Christopher but it does help to keep her alive in our memories.”

“Sometimes yes, I’ve accepted that it was what happened and that nothing could have been done in that moment to prevent it. Even so, if I really think about all of the what ifs and the possibilities that could have happened if he survived I just fall into a rabbit hole. I lost more than just a baby. I lost a future, and a part of me. The fact that he never had a chance is what hurts the most” Buck played with Eddie’s hands, grounding himself as he continued talking. “…..I’ll never know what kind of person he would have been. What he’d look like, what kind of stuff would he have liked? all the possibilities and i’ll never know my son” his breath hitched. He could easily grieve the dozens of different versions of who his baby could have been, however he stopped his mind from racing down that road as he did not want to start getting overly emotional, something that he had been for weeks. “But it’s okay, lots of people lose their children and i'm certainly not the last, but it would've been nice to have an idea of what my son would have been like”

“I think he would have been the cheekiest little boy. Little curls and an infectious giggle that would make you You would have been chasing him all around because of all his energy. A little baby Buck, just waddling away getting distracted by anything.” Eddie spoke, answering Buck’s question and also letting himself indulge in the possibility of what could have been.

“He’d be wrapped in bubble wrap, if he was anything like me when I was a kid” he laughed, imagining a little boy attempting to run around in a bubble wrap suit.

“He would talk your ears off about everything he’d see, probably eat as much as you” Buck rolled his eyes at the food thing but couldn’t really deny that he didn’t love eating. “But honestly? I think Alexander would be the kindest little kid you’d ever meet. He’d love his older brothers and sisters so much, but his papa would be the one he loved most” Eddie uttered tenderly, knowing he would have loved Buck’s son as much as he loved the man himself.

“Can i tell you again about how much i love you” Buck hummed, eyes drifting as the warmth of their embrace soothed him. Eddie pressed a kiss against his birthmark, his favourite thing to do besides waking up next to him in the mornings and realising over again that he gets to love Buck, and be loved by him in return.

“I’ll never say no to that” His voice vibrated against Buck’s head, making him chuckle at the feeling.

A tap at the side of the wall shook them out of their own little world, Christopher walking out of his bedroom door and headed straight to the living room.

“Hey Mr, aren’t you meant to be in bed?”

“I couldn’t sleep dad, plus I'm 14 now i should be able to stay up later” he spoke in a sleepy tone, contradicting his attempted sweet talk into a later sleeping habit.

“Mhm…so you definitely aren’t sleepy then?” eyebrows raised, Christopher was normally pretty sneaky but the exhaustion of the school day was slowly catching up on him.

“Okay maybe a tiny bit, but i just wanted to see what you were doing”

“Come here mijo, Buck and I were just talking about his baby, he was a little bit sad so he wanted to hug. You should come here if you want to stay up, i miss snuggling with my little boy”

“Hey… i’m not little dad” Chris rolled his eyes but still walked over to the couch letting himself be placed between his two dads. Not long later the two Diaz’s had fallen asleep, tucked around Buck who could feel his heart swell with joy. Buck felt like the luckiest man on earth as he stared at the two Diaz’s that were cuddling up to him. His eyes turned to the photo frame of the two with Alexander, and then over to the one of Eddie, Chris and him at the zoo. He knew that his whole family was with him even if one’s physical presence was absent. He let himself sink into the couch and leaned into Eddie’s chest falling asleep almost as instantly as the time just after the lightning strike. His body and mind soothed knowing he was in a safe and comforting place full of people who loved him.

Little did Buck know that in a short few years, they would be curled up together on the couch in a similar way. However, a little girl would be pressed lightly in between Buck and Eddie with her daddy’s deep brown bambi eyes and her papas blondish-brown curls adorned on her head with her big brother holding her gently. And they would be the picture perfect frame of a beautiful family.