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THE AMY ANDERSON SHOW, airdate 11.26.08
[Audience applauds. ANDERSON enters.]
ANDERSON: Thank you! Welcome back to Vampire Week on the Amy Anderson Show. Yesterday we had the chance to meet with three lucky girls who are in long-term relationships with Princes of the Night. Today, I have a special treat for you. We have the rare opportunity to meet these three vampires for ourselves!
[Audience applauds.]
ANDERSON: We'll get to talk to them about their relationships, and you'll learn exactly what the vampire of your dreams is looking for in his human mate. Please welcome to the show Edward Cullen, Bill Compton, and William Pratt!
[Guests enter. Audience applauds.]
PRATT: Hey! I told you, it's Spike.
ANDERSON: I'm so sorry, Spike. Gentlemen, thank you so much for being here with us today. It's an honor to have you on the show. Edward, let's start with you. You're in a relationship with Bella Swan. We had a chance to speak with her yesterday, and she told us some pretty amazing things about you and how you met in high school. Why don't you tell us a little about how the two of you got involved. Had you ever thought about having a relationship with a human?
CULLEN: No, not at all. This wasn't something I was planning. It's too dangerous for me to be close to humans. But there was something different about Bella that drew me to her.
ANDERSON: Why do you say that being close to humans is dangerous?
CULLEN: If I'm not careful - if I'm hungry, or upset - it's too easy to think of them as prey.
PRATT: Well, yeah.
[Audience mutters nervously.]
ANDERSON: That sounds like a very lonely life. Tell me, Edward: in all those long years, had you ever had someone else special? Another vampire, maybe?
CULLEN: No, never. I mean, I had my family, but it's not the same thing. I didn't realize it until I met her, but I was waiting for Bella all that time. I tried to drive her away from me so she wouldn't be hurt, but I couldn't stay away from her. She's my forever.
[Audience coos.]
ANDERSON: And your waiting is finally over. What a beautiful story, Edward. Thank you for sharing it with us. Bill, tell us a little about yourself. Is vampirism truly as lonely an existence as it seems?
COMPTON: It can be, ma'am. I've chosen to live apart from other vampires, for the most part. It makes it easier for me to interact safely with humans that way.
ANDERSON: Now, this is very interesting. Are you telling me that you actually seek out contact with humans?
COMPTON: To a certain extent, yes. When vampires only associate with their own kind, it's easy for us to regress into behaviors that...well, let's just say that I've found it best to retain a limited contact with humanity.
ANDERSON: And Sookie is part of that contact?
COMPTON: She is.
ANDERSON: And now we come to Spike, who's in the fairly unique position of being in a relationship with a...Slayer, was it?
PRATT: Yeah, that's right. We met on the job, you could say.
ANDERSON: She told us yesterday that you actually tried to kill her. Is that right?
PRATT: Well, on and off. Honestly, I couldn't really be bothered with her at first. She was having a bit of trouble with her ex at the time, and watching her hurt was just too much fun.
[Audience mutters.]
ANDERSON: Spike, did you happen to see last week's show on Bad Boys and Why They Hurt Us?
PRATT: Oh, yeah! Brilliant! I never miss any of your...I mean, bloody hell, no. Why?
ANDERSON: Never mind. So what changed between you two?
PRATT: Long story. First we tried to kill each other, then she paid me to do jobs for her, then I fell in love. And let me tell you, she makes it hurt in all the right places. She's got the most delicious pair of...yeah. Oh, and then I got a soul. So I'm not planning on eating anyone here, in case you were wondering.
ANDERSON: Oh, how romantic! It's Beauty and the Beast brought to life - the monster becoming the man.
[Audience applauds.]
PRATT: Do you always talk like this? And I thought we were promised some warm blood out here. I'll take some mink, if you don't mind.
COMPTON: A bottle of TruBlood for me. O-neg, if you have it.
CULLEN: What do you need blood for?
PRATT: Are you daft? What don't you need blood for? Blood is life. It keeps you warm, keeps you....
CULLEN: No, seriously. I know we need to eat, but isn't it a little...barbaric in front of an audience? And honestly, blood? That's such a cliche.
PRATT: No, your ridiculous hair is what's a cliche.
ANDERSON: Edward, are you telling me that vampires don't actually need human blood to survive?
CULLEN: Of course not.
COMPTON: He's right. Modern replications make for perfectly acceptable substitutes.
PRATT: Say, did the military happen to capture you two and brainwash you? Just a question. You'd know them if you saw them. Tall blokes, blocky heads, little green uniforms?
ANDERSON: Spike, I take it you disagree?
PRATT: Hell, yes. Blood is absolutely necessary. Have you seen what happens to a vampire that doesn't get real blood?
ANDERSON: I can't say that I have.
PRATT: Well, it's not pretty - although it can be awful funny when it happens to certain vampires with gigantic foreheads. You know, I'm not convinced these two are actually vampires at all. Probably pretenders, come on the show to make us look like a bunch of wankers.
COMPTON: I most certainly am a vampire, sir!
[COMPTON displays fangs. Audience gasps.]
PRATT: Is that all? One of Dracula's get, are you? You have my profound sympathies.
ANDERSON: What about the traditional weaknesses that vampires are supposed to have? For example, does sunlight hurt? Can you be killed by a stake through the heart?
COMPTON: I believe most things in this world could be killed that way.
[Audience laughs.]
COMPTON: As you can imagine, we don't like to divulge methods that can be used against us by the unscrupulous. But yes, extended exposure to sunlight can be dangerous to my kind.
CULLEN: I don't understand. What do you mean by "dangerous"?
PRATT: God, they let just anybody be turned these days, don't they?
ANDERSON: Edward, what is your experience with sunlight?
CULLEN: I...don't like to talk about it. I'm too hideous.
[CULLEN covers face. Audience murmurs.]
ANDERSON: Talk to us, Edward. We're your friends here.
PRATT: I'm not.
CULLEN: In the sunlight, my skin...it sparkles.
COMPTON and PRATT: ...sparkles?
CULLEN: Like thousands of tiny diamonds are embedded in the surface. Don't you understand? It's the skin of a killer!
[Audience coos.]
PRATT: Oh, for fuck's sake.
ANDERSON: Edward, that sounds perfectly beautiful. I'm sure you have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I'm going to send you home with a copy of my newest book, Beauty on the Inside and Out: Five Ways to Learn to Love Yourself.
[Audience applauds.]
PRATT: Look, I'm still not sure this one is a real vampire at all.
CULLEN: I am a vampire!
PRATT: Oh, please. You don't drink blood. You fucking...sparkle in the sunlight. What's that about? Who sired you anyway?
CULLEN: His name is Carlisle, and he did it in 1918 to save my life.
PRATT: And been regretting it ever since, I'll bet.
ANDERSON: Spike, don't you think that's a little unkind?
PRATT: Well, yeah. Look at him. You say you met this bird of yours in high school. So, what? You've been undead for nearly a century and you've been repeating high school this entire time, moping and waiting for your dream girl to come along? Not even a good slaughter to pass the time? God, if you're a vampire you're the most pathetic excuse for one I've ever come across.
ANDERSON: Gentlemen, I'm afraid we don't have much time left. There's one more question I wanted to ask you. Have any of you ever...I believe the word is "sired" another vampire?
COMPTON: I have, yes, out of necessity. It's not something I want to talk about.
ANDERSON: And you, Spike?
PRATT: Yeah, but I was controlled by the First Evil at the time. I don't think that counts. And from what I heard, I managed to turn the most useless wankers imaginable, so it really doesn't count.
CULLEN: I'm saving my venom for Bella.
[Audience applauds.]
ANDERSON: Venom?
CULLEN: Yes, all vampires produce venom. If it enters the bloodstream of a victim, it infects them and turns them into a vampire.
PRATT: Oh, bollocks. From top to bottom. And I was right! This one's not a vampire at all!
ANDERSON: What?
PRATT: I wasn't sure at first, but this "venom" nonsense sealed it for me. Look, I don't know what this "sire" of yours told you, but he's nothing but a common Jurik demon. Don't rightly know what's with the delusions of grandeur and why he's pretending to be something he's not. Why don't you run home and have him explain the facts of life to you? You know, love, he'd be a good one to have on your show - neuroses of demons, and whatnot.
CULLEN: I am so a vampire!
PRATT: Let's see your real face, then.
CULLEN: I don't understand. This is my real face.
PRATT: Yup, Jurik demon. God, I should have seen it from the beginning. You want to see what a real vampire looks like? Because it's not Sparkle Boy here, and it's not the Drac wanna-be. This is a vampire!
[PRATT's face changes. Audience screams.]
PRATT: That's bloody right! Good thing I'm on a strict diet, or I'd eat the lot of you for being so pathetic. Not you, though, love. You're a bit of all right.
ANDERSON: ...thank you?
CULLEN: Oh god, your face!
PRATT: That's right, youngster. Time for you to see what a real vampire can do!
[CULLEN runs from stage, followed by PRATT.]
ANDERSON: And I'm afraid that's all we have time for. When we come back from commercial, we'll speak with a young man who claims to have two vampires for parents! Don't go away!
[Audience applauds.
Commercials.]