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“It’s too cold.”
Buck shivered and took a long drink from the thermos they brought.
“It’s the desert, Buck. Hot days and cold nights. Where is your Pennsylvania breeding?”
“I always hated cold, even then. Maybe I got used to the LA weather too much.”
They came out to the plain to catch up, just the two of them and some hot spiked punch on the bed of Eddie’s old pick-up truck. Buck had to admit that it was all very Texan.
“Well LA might have its perks, but you can’t see this many stars there. Too much light pollution.”
Buck lay back down on the truck bed, his duffel bag under his head, and looked up. It was true; he had never seen this many stars.
“I missed you, you know,” Buck said softly, barely audible. “I understand why you had to come out here, but it hurt nevertheless.”
Eddie turned on his side so he could look at Buck. He knew his best friend had a history of people abandoning him all the time, and he felt so much guilt about doing the same to him. He never wanted to hurt Buck, but his son had to come first.
“I’m sorry,” was all he could say. “You know it’s not permanent. We will be back when Chris finishes his school term. I can’t uproot him in the middle of the year, again .”
Buck nods, smiling sadly. “Of course. Chris’s well-being is the most important. You know I love the little guy to the Moon and back.”
“You are important too,” Eddie said, reaching out tentatively to squeeze Buck’s hand. “You two are my whole world, Buck. You have to know that by now.”
Buck felt a lump in his throat. Where was this whole thing going? He didn’t dare say anything to interrupt Eddie, so he just looked at him encouragingly.
“Ever since I came back home, I was thinking through some stuff. I had the time and the space to do so. I was thinking about what Father Brian said, that I never let myself choose joy. And I realized that I never before had the opportunity to choose it, and when I finally could I just forgot that it was ever an option.”
Eddie took a drink from the thermos to do something with his hands before continuing.
“I grew up as an only boy with a bunch of sisters and aunties. My father drilled it in me that I was the MAN, that I had responsibilities that I had to take over as the head of the family if something happened to him. So there was no choice for me to choose the way of my life. I had always done what they expected from me. I joined the football team because I had the build for it. By junior year I became the star player, and by senior year they elected me captain. Shannon was the head of the cheerleading team, it just… it was only natural for us to be together. And I really liked Shannon, she was kind and sweet and my best friend in those years. She was my first, and sex was just a natural progression I guess. Because you know, that’s what people in a relationship do. Everyone was doing it. And it was nice, a good way to connect and be intimate with the person you love. And then she got pregnant just after graduation. There was no choice there, again. I had to do the decent thing, I had to marry her before the baby was born. Our families wouldn’t have a child born out of wedlock. I remember when we told them the news, my father sat me down and had a talk with me man-to-man. He told me that it was my responsibility as the man of the family to provide for my wife and child. A couple of my high-school classmates enlisted after graduation, and I knew the benefits would cover Shannon’s medical bills and everything they would need. So I did boot camp and shipped out to Iraq. They let me come home to the birth, but I picked up a second tour right after. I thought I was doing the good thing, providing for my family the only way I could. But of course, Shannon grew resentful of me being away so much. You know the rest of that story.”
Buck just nodded, letting him continue.
“My first real choice was leaving Texas and going to LA with Chris. And of course, it didn’t go down that well with my parents. Every one of my relationships after that was a failure. I desperately wanted there to be the same chemistry that Shannon and I shared, but it simply wasn’t there. I hated myself for that for so long, thought it was my fault, that something was just not right in me. And then that whole Kim fiasco and Chris leaving I think that just pushed me over the edge. I couldn’t go on like that.”
Now it was Buck’s turn to reach out and squeeze Eddie’s hand. He knew how hard these past months were for his best friend.
“Coming home gave me the perspective I needed. It reminded me of the person I had been before Shannon, before everything. It reminded me of our next-door neighbor, and the feelings I probably had, but didn’t dare to acknowledge. Those didn’t fit the bill of the perfect football player, the perfect son, the man of the family. The only Diaz boy can’t be queer.”
The last couple of words were spoken so softly, that Buck nearly missed them.
His heart clenched in his chest, and he didn’t dare to draw breath.
“But I’m not that scared little kid anymore. Firefighter Diaz can choose joy for himself. I’m not the star quarterback of El Paso anymore. I’m my own man. And now I dare to admit to myself that I’m not as straight as I thought. To be completely honest, I'm not straight at all.”
Buck smiled at him, warm and radiant.
“Thank you for telling me. I'm so proud of you.”
“You are the first person I told. I never said it out loud before, but it feels so good.”
“I get it. Even if my own realization was terribly misplaced,” he shrugged, trying not to think about Tommy and that whole dysfunctional relationship.
“What do you mean?”
“When you started to hang out with Tommy, I was so frustrated and jealous. I thought I was trying to get his attention, but I later realized it was a projection of feelings. He seemed the safer target. Something less dangerous.”
“Safer than…?” Eddie asked, voice slightly trembling.
“Safer than admitting that I had more than platonic feelings for you.”
Buck said with one breath, looking everywhere but at Eddie.
Eddie lifted his hand and gently tilted Buck's face to look at him.
“You do?”
“I do. Probably from the first day. Maddie clocked it immediately, calling it a boy crush, but I didn't pay attention. I wasn't ready.”
“And you are ready now?”
“I think I am,” Buck said with a smile. “How about you? I don’t want to pressure you into anything if it’s too soon… you don’t have to say anything yet. Just know that I’m fucking in love with you.”
Eddie laughed and pulled Buck close to him tucking his head in the crook of his neck and breathing him in. “I might be confused about a lot of things but the one thing I’m crystal clear about is how I feel about you. And I’m not afraid anymore to tell you I love you too.”
“Fucking amazing turn of events,” Buck grinned and buried his fingers into Eddie’s short hair to pull his head up. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”
“Not if I kiss you first.”
“Idiot.”
“Punk.”
In the end, it was impossible to say who initiated the kiss, but it didn’t matter. It was a bumpy road, but the destination was all that mattered. Suddenly, Buck wasn’t so cold anymore with Eddie’s body heat all over him. Buck hoped he would never be cold ever again.