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Four Valentine’s Days: When Love Beckons To You, Follow It
“When love beckons to you follow him
Though his ways are hard and steep
And when his wings enfold you yield to him
Though he hides a sword among them
And when he speaks to you, believe in him
Though his voice may shatter your dreams”
On Love, Glen Hansard & Lisa Hannigan
Breaking up with Carl is easier than she expects.
“Honestly, I didn’t think it was going to last as long as it has,” he says as he stirs hazelnut creamer into his coffee. “I just hope one day I can find someone who talks about me as much as you talk about Chef Berzatto.”
Syd blushes.
“Don’t be embarrassed. I thought it was cute.” He adds another hazelnut creamer to his drink, and Syd can finally admit to herself that she’s never really liked his affinity for coffee that has more flavored creamer than coffee.
“Did something happen?” Carl asks because they’re still friends.
“He, uh, came over last night and told me he loved me but he left right away,” Syd answers. “I didn’t say anything to him though,” she feels the need to assure him.
She couldn’t say she wouldn’t have given the chance though, if he hadn’t run off. But she didn’t know if she was going to berate him for saying he loved her or if she was going to say she loved him too.
His name had been on her tongue without any plans or idea where she was going to go if he had stopped long enough to listen to her.
“You love him too.”
It’s a statement, not a question.
“Yes,” Syd answers like it’s a question anyway, wondering how he knows, wondering if it was more obvious than she thought. She wonders if everyone knows and she just wears it on chef’s whites, like a badge, her heart on her sleeve. She sighs. “I think I’ve loved him for as long as I’ve known about him,” she admits softly. “I’m, uh, sorry if you feel like this has been a fucking waste of time.”
“A waste of time? Not at all! Don’t even worry about it!” Carl tells her. “I never took this as anything more than us being friends seeing where it went. It’s gone as far as it’s going to go but I hope we can still be friends.”
Syd nods. “Yeah, of course! I’ve always liked being your friend, Carl.”
“Me too,” Carl answers as he adds another hazelnut creamer. “So, what’re you going to do next then?”
Syd spreads cream cheese on her cinnamon raisin bagel. “I don’t know,” she answers wistfully. “It feels like I shouldn’t rush right over there and tell him how I feel about him because we just broke up.”
“I don’t mind,” Carl says. “I just want you to be happy. Besides, it’s not like anybody knew we were going out. You didn’t even introduce me to your father and we didn’t kiss that much either, and we didn’t—”
“You must have thought I was the worst, uh,…” Syd huffs and trails off, not wanting to say girlfriend because they hadn’t ever really labeled their relationship. “Dating… person…”
“Not at all,” Carl assures her, patting her hand. “Go and tell him how you feel right now, even. Don’t wait because you have some misplaced sense of loyalty to what we supposedly had together.”
Syd thinks about the note Carmy had given her, she’d carefully cut the checkbox away from the drawing of them and drew a heart next to ‘yes’ with a bubble gum colored Crayola pencil. She had lovingly slipped it in a security envelope before tucking it in her coat pocket this morning. She thought maybe… maybe she would go and slip it under Carmy’s door or leave it on Natalie’s desk at The Bear.
She thinks about Carmy and how he looked standing in front of her, finally confessing his feelings for her but looking so defeated as he did. It’s been playing over and over again in her head.
“There’s nothing to be scared of. It’s not like his feelings are going to change for you overnight,” Carl tells her.
“I’m not scared,” Syd says because it’s true.
“There’s no need to torture the poor guy then,” Carl says.
“I’m not torturing him!” Syd insists. “I told you, it doesn’t feel like I should run over there and throw myself in his arms right after breaking up with you.”
“And I said not to stop because you had some misplaced loyalty to what we had,” Carl answers. “Or to me. I know what we were.”
Syd wants to tell him that she genuinely tried to make it work with him. She has nothing to defend herself from anyway, she wasn’t sitting around half-heartedly seeing Carl while she tried to use him to make Carmy jealous, or waited for him to make a move. But she thinks he knows that, and even if he doesn’t she gets the feeling he doesn’t care.
“Were you ever that interested in dating me?” Syd asks jokingly.
Carl smiles sheepishly at her and shrugs. “I’m a gracious loser, he replies. “Syd, you should go and see him. We both know you want to. It doesn’t have to be a big elaborate, dramatic thing. It can just be simple.”
“I wasn’t planning on doing something elaborate or dramatic,” Syd answers as she reaches for her wallet and opens it.
“I’ve got it,” Carl tells her, waving her away, grinning. “When you guys get married, you can let me cater the wedding.”
“Married?” Syd repeats. “Who said anything about getting married? I’m not planning on marrying Carmy , not anytime soon anyway.”
Which is inordinately untrue. She would marry him tomorrow if he asked.
“Okay but when you do, you’ll let me cater it. Right?”
“You know, I’m just wasting time standing here talking to you about who’ll fuckin’ cater my very hypothetical wedding,” she points out.
But she remembers why she likes Carl, why they had become friends in the first place. He’s easy, easy to talk to, easy to be around, but he wasn’t a core shaker, at least not for her.
She gives him a friendly slug on the shoulder, feeling just the slightest bit awkward. “Thanks for everything Carl.”
“Of course.”
After an awkward pause, Syd leans in and hugs him before grabbing her coat and pulling it on. “Wish me luck,” she says, something they would say to each other during their time at the CIA.
“You’re not gonna need it,” Carl said confidently. “But good luck, Syd.”
Outside the diner, Syd feels a little disoriented as she stands in the middle of the sidewalk, trying to decide what to do with herself. She doesn’t know if she should stop for groceries to make breakfast for Carmy, or if she should pick up flowers (as loathe as she is to do that), or just go to him, heart in her hands and arms wide open.
But because she’s her and cooking is one of the ways she shows love, she does stop by the grocery store and buys ingredients for eggs Benedict, then she swings by her favorite bakery to buy sourdough English muffins.
Purchases acquired, she makes her way to Carmy’s. Anxiety is itching at the edges of her subconscious the closer she gets to his apartment.
She knows Carl’s right, there’s no way Carmy’s feelings for her would change overnight. But she’s never really had to tell anyone how she feels about them, she’s never felt this way about anyone.
Everyone who’s come before doesn’t matter anymore, and maybe they never did as soon as she tried Carmy’s food. As soon as she met him.
Maybe it’s just hindsight, or maybe her whole life has been leading up to this moment, straight into Carmy’s arms.
Maybe they did belong to each other.
She hesitates before letting herself into his building and makes the trek up to his apartment. She waits a second and then knocks. Her heart is beating so hard, she can barely see straight, she can hear it in her ears, and then Carmy opens the door before she has time to compose herself.
“Syd?” he asks, looking confused. “What are you doing here?”
He looks tired, like he didn’t get any sleep. His hair is sticking out in all directions and he’s wearing the navy blue sweatshirt she gave him for Christmas, she embroidered teddy bears on the cuffs.
“I, uh, came to make breakfast!” She says, holding up the bag of groceries. Eggs Benedict. Have you eaten yet?” She suspects the answer’s going to be no, but she asks anyway, mostly to say something.
“I haven’t eaten yet,” Carmy confirms after a second that feels like an eternity. ‘
“Are you gonna let me in?” Syd asks.
There’s a pained expression on his face, he looks like he’s at war with himself, and then he steps aside and waves her in.
Once inside, she goes to the kitchen, Carmy not far behind her.
“What are you doing here?” Carmy asks again.
Syd takes her coat off and drops it on the floor, rolling up her sleeves. “Making you breakfast,” she answers again as she goes to his sink and washes her hands.
“I-I can’t,” Carmy swallows and looks away. “I’m sorry Syd, I-I can’t be around you right now. I need time to, uh, to fucking adjust to you being with someone else. It’s too soon. It’ll, uh, it won’t take that long. I promise. But today, I just need it.”
The look of her rejection is etched all over his face, twisting her heart a little. Her words from the night before, though calmly delivered, had hurt him. He thinks she doesn’t want him, thinks she doesn’t love him, and she had shown up at his door like nothing happened.
“Oh Carmy,” she says, going over to him and lifting his chin so they’re looking at each other. “I’m not with anyone. I broke up with Carl this morning.”
Carmy frowns. “Why?” he asks, his voice barely a whisper.
“Carl, he was just a fucking distraction,” Syd tells him. “I think I, uh, I knew it as soon as we started seeing more of each other. All I ever really wanted was…” she clears her throat, suddenly overcome with a wave of emotion. “All I ever wanted was you .”
She lets him go and goes to get the envelope from her coat pocket. She hands it over to him, he looks at it confused.
“What’s this?” he asks.
“Open it,” Syd answers.
Carmy does as she says, carefully ripping the side of the envelope and pulling out the paper, he unfolds it. “Is this… my note ?”
Syd nods.
Carmy blushes. “It’s so… stupid. So middle school. I don’t know what I was thinking—”
“I liked it. I don’t mind a little middle school.”
Carmy looks down at the note again, the heart in the box next to ‘yes’ , and then he looks back at her. “Yes?” He repeats aloud.
“I just told you, all I’ve ever wanted was you.” Her arms go around him again. “I should have told you last night, a while ago, maybe the second I met you.”
“The second we met?” Carmy asks faintly.
Syd nods and she’s surprised by how steady her voice is. “Yeah, I lied. I’ve wanted to be with you ever since New York, and I would maybe if we hadn’t ever met.”
“Ever since New York?” Carmy stutters.
Syd nods and then kisses him, kisses him different than the night before when it barely counted as one. The way he had kissed her the night before was barely even a butterfly wing brush of a kiss. But this is how grown-ups kiss. It takes a second but he catches up to her and kisses her back.
“I love you,” she tells him, her mouth close to his ear.
“What do you mean ever since New York?” Carmy asks, distractedly. “I-I, uh, I mean I love you too. But what do you mean you’ve loved me ever since New York?
Syd pulls away and smiles at him. “I’ll tell you over breakfast.”
The End
“And think not you can direct the course of love, for if love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.”
“The Prophet: On Love”, Kahlil Gibran