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Despite how Borant tried to depict me, in times of crisis, I tended to keep a cool head. Even when the world was insane, even if I was faced with impossibility, I was always able to think, able to plan a way out. If there wasn't time to think, I acted based on my instinct, which hadn't led me astray so far.
I still wouldn't say it had led me astray. It had led me exactly where I wanted to be - I had succeeded in what I had wanted to do. I had just been… extremely careless about the way I had gone about it.
When I had gotten the message that Lucia was in Donut's tower, threatening Donut, I didn't have time to think. I only had time to act. Before I knew it, I was halfway to her, using any ability I thought could get me to her faster. However, I hadn't just run.
The generator of the Zarogoths. It had still been a threat, and I had dealt with it. And by “dealt with” I meant that I had dropped bombs, hundreds of bombs, down into Larracos in the general direction of the generator.
When they landed, the explosion was deafening, even though I was so far away from it. I had landed on the 64th floor of Larracos, my Walk On Air skill running out before I had made it out of the city. I immediately started climbing.
I felt it as the player killer skulls settled over my head. I saw the achievement and experience notifications come in. I almost lost my grip on the pipe I had been shimmying up.
Crawlers. Crawlers had been down there. When I had dropped the bombs, I hadn't spared one thought for the NPCs that would inevitably get vapourised. But crawlers… I hadn't meant to kill crawlers.
I had acted in a stupid, reckless way. In a way that had gotten people hurt. People. My people.
I was alarmed to realise that I didn't care. All I could think about was Donut. I need to get to her. I was already scaling the wall up to the 65th floor.
I got a massive red warning that I had triggered the city's defenses. I didn't care about that either. Donut was alone. I had to get to her. I had to. No matter what it took.
Donut: CARL, LUCIA IS IN THE TOWER! SHE'S COMING UP THE STAIRS!
Carl: I know. I'm coming.
The fight passed in a blur; the revelations about Lucia and the children made my head spin - however, when I finally rushed to the uppermost level of the tower, all I could see, all I could register, was Donut. There she was, in her ghillie suit, sniping people like she had for the whole time she'd been up here.
Acting as if my heart wasn't in my throat, as if I hadn't wreaked utter chaos to be here, to get to her, I released Rend and said, “You're supposed to be focusing on the towers shooting at the Nest.” Donut looked up for the first time.
She looked terrible, but that didn't matter to me. She was alive.
I held out my arms.
There was a pause, then Donut's eyes blessedly focused on me. Then they shifted their focus to above my head. She stiffened, and I did too. I knew exactly what she was looking at. I didn’t know how many there were, but I could feel them there like a physical pressure on my head. There was a moment of terrible silence. Then Donut straightened and, with a tremble in her voice and her eyes still fixed above my head, she said, “Carl, what did you do?”
I let my hands drop. I looked away. “I came to save you,” I whispered. There was another brief silence that was stifling, then I heard Donut approaching me. I caught her as she jumped up into my arms. I hugged her close, probably way too tightly, but I didn't care. I buried my face in her fur.
I could tell she was upset, but she could tell that I was upset too. I knew that just like my biggest priority was her safety, my safety was hers and she didn't want me even more upset than I already was. I hugged her tighter.
Donut shifted in my grip, then tried to speak, “Carl-” I shut her down immediately. I knew what she was going to say.
“As long as you're safe,” I mumbled into her fur. It was true. I would do anything to keep Donut safe. Anything. I felt her stiffen in my grip.
“That's ridiculous, Carl,” she said, trying to make her voice sound light but failing - it was strained and it wobbled slightly as she spoke.
“I don't care.” I sounded a bit desperate when I said it. I needed Donut. I didn't just want to keep her safe, I needed to ensure it. I was scared of what I'd do, what I'd become, if she wasn't there to pull me back.
I'd felt it already - with D'Nadia. If not for Donut, I would have killed her. I would've stepped over that edge, the one that I knew I would never be able to come back from.
Mongo peeped at me, worriedly. I looked down at him - he was standing right next to me, staring up at me with his beaked face. He seemed to have picked up on... I don't know. Something about me - something that had worried him.
I forced myself to relax. I stopped squeezing Donut so tightly and deposited her on top of Mongo. Still, I couldn't take my hand off of her. That overwhelming urge to keep her safe was still thrashing inside of me like rapids.
I knew I was dangerously reliant on Donut, but there was nothing I could do about it now. I just had to make sure she was safe.
“You doing okay?” I asked her, looking her over. She looked terrible, in all honesty. Her eyes were sunken and she looked stressed. I could empathise.
She looked as if she was going to shoot something back, but she glanced at me and seemed to change her mind. I didn't like what that said about how she thought I was doing.
“Well, Carl, I’ll be feeling better when we win,” she said instead. I hummed in agreement. “But at least that stupid dog is dead,” she added, muttering, and at that my face saddened. I'd have to explain to her the nightmare situation of Lucia and the kids. But not now. Not now.
It's too much. It’s too much. I took a deep breath. I couldn't wait for this floor to be over, to finally be able to feel like I wasn't being crushed under the weight of responsibility for thousands of lives. I wanted to be free of the burden of leadership and the stress that came with it.
My hands were shaking. I couldn't remember a time all floor that they weren't shaking.
Donut bumped her head against the hand that was rested on her head and I went to pet her. Later. I'd think about all of it later. I'd process it all later. For now, I had a war to win.