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So maybe, Alex is really bad at reading vibes. He and Matt - and it still feels weird to refer to him by name and not a weird fucking moniker - hadn’t actually been sort of flirting through Soundcloud DM’s like two loser. Instead Alex had been unsuccessfully sort of flirting through Soundcloud DM’s like a giant loser. And he’d been bad at it.
And he hadn’t like, tried very hard to flirt. He didn’t have an end goal, he didn’t want to date the dude. Didn’t want to date any dude, for that matter. He wasn’t heartbroken, he was cool with whatever happened or didn’t happen. Just y’know, upset that his game was terrible. He wasn’t even sure what he expected - Matt to make deep, passionate love on the floor of the airport when he had picked him up? He’d been flirting for the fun of it, mostly. So it was truly fine that it wasn’t acknowledged.
For some reason it just felt... odd.
But he’d driven to the airport, felt like a loser waiting for the arrivals and then he’d seen Matt, and had a quick thought of oh he wasn’t exaggerating when he said he was ’fucking tall’ and then he’d been enveloped in a tight hug, felt Matt smile against his ears.
”Nice to finally fucking meet you, dude.” Matt’s voice was all fry and rasp, the six hour travel time clearly having knocked him out of any energy.
”Can’t believe you’re actually here.” And Alex squeezed back into the hug as hard as he could, until Matt complained through another laugh.
But it was good. It was great. The drive back to his apartment went well - no awkward silences, thank god - and the excitement of meeting his Friend was so much stronger than any weird lingering disappointment of the platonicness of it all. Because he wasn’t disappointed. Why would he be?
Alex gave a quick tour of his shitty apartment when they got back. He’d spent most of the day cleaning up as much as he could in a blind panic, internally cringing when he noticed all the shit he’d missed fixing up. And-
”Shit.” He sighed. ”I was going to pick up an extra mattress from my parents.”
”That’s cool, I can take the couch and we’ll pick it up tomorrow.” Matt suggested, then he glanced at the couch, which he would definitely not fit in laying down. ”Or maybe not.
”You take the bed, I’ll take the couch?” Alex suggested.
”Or we could just both sleep in the bed.” Matt shrugged. ”It fits two, right?”
”Right.” Alex chewed his lip.
”As long as you don’t make me the little spoon, we’re good.” Matt smiled again, and Alex laughed.
Matt got in the shower to wash off the travel, and Alex scrolled through his phone - quickly sent a message to his parents about the mattress, and responded to some friends, answering their jokes about getting murdered by a crazy American. Nobody replied yet - it was well over midnight, stars had already been out by the time Alex had driven to the airport. He continued scrolling through his socials as Matt got back, dressed in a different version of Alex’s outfit - a random shirt and some sweats. They both remained in a comfortable silence as Matt dug up his charger and plugged in his phone, got under the covers and gestured for Alex to get in too.
”How can I be so fucking tired from just sitting in a plane.” Matt sighed.
”It’s the jet-lag, I think.”
”Yeah, those two hours are really fucking me up.” Matt snorted.
”Fine, fine. We’ll sleep.” Alex smiled as he got under the covers and shut the lights off. A few minutes passed in silence before Matt turned over to lay on his side, facing Alex. Alex couldn’t quite make out his face, the blackout curtains doing their job, and doing it well. The other man was a comforting presence in the dark, and Alex’s skin was still buzzing from excitement.
”I didn’t expect you to be so fucking handsome, dude.” Matt said finally, voice heavy with sleep.
”What do you mean?” He laughed, ”You know what I look like, we’ve face-timed.”
”I don’t know, it’s different seeing it live, y’know. HD and shit.”
”I guess.” Alex sighed, shifted a little under the covers. Matt’s hand brushed his arm, just a quick accidental thing. ”You too, by the way. Also you’re like, unnecessarily tall.”
Matt let out a loud laugh, slapped Alex’s shoulder lightly under the covers.
”I warned you, man.”
”Clearly didn’t warn me nearly enough.” Alex smiled and they drifted into silence. He just thought that Matt had fallen asleep when-
”I’m really glad I met you.” Matt said, low and the words half-buried in the pillow.
”Yeah, me too.” Alex smiled, shifted onto his side after a few minutes, facing the wall instead of the white ceiling.
He was nearly asleep when he felt Matt shift on the mattress, the covers moving like he was lifting his arm then dropped it. He could still feel Matt shifting around, fingers occasionally grazing Alex’s back as he moved.
”You okay?” Alex mumbled.
”Yeah just...” Matt grumbled for a moment, unable to find words.
”Do you wanna be the big spoon, is that it?” Alex said, aiming for a joke and Matt laughed quick.
”Honestly, kinda.” He started shifting again, like he was about to turn over. Alex reached over blindly behind him, grabbing hold Matt’s hand and pulling it over his waist. Matt followed the motion, smiling into Alex’s hair and running his thumb across Alex’s skin.
”Goodnight.” Alex says through a yawn, and he felt Matt press a kiss into his scalp.
”Sleep tight.”
The morning is a mess of Alex attempting to bullshit some breakfast, followed by them goofing off next to each other listening to their own music and making snide comments followed by genuine improvements. Some of his friends send a text around the time they eat dinner, extending an invite to some party to the two of them and so of course they go.
Any awkwardness that Alex had been afraid of goes away as soon as they arrive. Matt fits in with his friends like a damned missing puzzle-piece, and within minutes he’s doing shots and joking almost as if he’d always been a part of the group. There’s plenty of other people there, some who Alex only knows in passing, and after practically clinging to each other for a few hours, they both drift off a little. Alex took time to catch up with some people he hadn’t seen for a long time.
”Hey, so I might hook up with this girl.” Matt smiles, comes up from behind Alex with a drunken smile from out of nowhere.
”Dude, good job.” Alex says, laughs as Matt’s smile breaks into something bigger.
”Cool.” Matt presses his lips into Alex’s cheek, barely a kiss due to the massive smile, before somehow disappearing in the crowd within seconds.
”…Dude?” David - they’d shared one class in college, and Alex can’t for the life of him remember what it was about- asks, a skeptical eyebrow raised.
”What?” He asks, takes another sip of his beer. He really should’ve stopped drinking for the night. He knows he’s probably already had too much, head rushing and thoughts slow.
”I guess I just... didn’t think that was the dynamic.” He shrugs.
”Why the fuck are you breaking out the big words?” Alex replies, laughs confused. ”What did you think the dynamic was?”
David raises his own beer as part of a shrug.
”I didn’t think either of you’d do much hooking up with girls, is all.” And then he goes back to whatever they were talking about before Matt’s interruption, and Alex hmm’s at the right moments, laughs when he notices he should but he can’t really hear any of what he is saying. Five minutes must pass before-
”Who did you think we’d hook up with?” He finally asks, interrupting David in the middle of a sentence.
”Each other?” David replies, his voice pitched in a way that makes him sound unsure if it’s the correct answer.
”We’re not-” Alex flusters, can’t find the correct way to phrase it. ”I’m not gay. We’re not like… a thing, y’know.”
”Man, I don’t really care if you fuck dudes of not.” David rolls his eyes, dramatic. ”The way you’ve been talking about him, I just assumed there was something going on.”
”Right.” He mulls it over, swallows hard. ”Makes sense.”
”Are you going to be able to hold a conversation now, or do you wanna keep freaking out for a bit?” He sounds concerned, which has Alex worrying over what kind of face he must be making to cause it. Coupled with the conversation- he’s spiraling.
”I’m not freaking out.” Alex says, sounding freaked out even to his own ears. David moves, slings his arm around Alex’s shoulder and leads him out of the house, onto the grass and tugs until they’re both sitting down.
”I’m not good at comforting people.” David says, ”Or talking about feelings and shit. But tell me what’s up and I’ll do my best.” Alex laughs, leans until his back hits the grass, stares up at the stars.
”I don’t know, I’m not like. Upset.” He sighs. ”I think I’ve just been fucking hitting on him for a while and I’m not sure why. ’Cause like. I’m straight. I don’t want to like, hook up with him or some shit. So it’s all very weird. And I don’t know why I did that, and my game was probably off because he never really mentioned anything about it. But I’m really happy he’s here, so I don’t know why I’m being such a fucking weirdo about this.”
”Would you fuck him if you were a girl?” David asks after a few seconds of consideration, and it has Alex sitting up to give him a weird look.
”I mean, yeah. He’s hot, tall and funny.” Alex says, like it’s obvious.
”I wouldn’t.” David replies, takes a sip from his beer. ”Because if I got turned into a girl, I would probably still like girls. I don’t really find the idea of fucking a dude appealing, even if I suddenly had a pussy, y’know?”
Alex just stares at him, trying to make sense of his words.
”Just like, if the only thing keeping you from screwing his brains out is the fact that you’re both dudes, there might be some international homophobia going on.”
”I think it’s internalized.” Alex corrects automatically.
”Same diff.” David waves his hand.
”I think I feel more freaked out now, than I did before this.”
”Well, I did warn you.” He smiles, pats Alex’s knee before standing up. ”I’ll leave you to think. Call me if you need me to come back out here or something, but if you’re still freaking out by then, I’ll chase you with the hose.”
”You’re a good friend.” Alex shouts at his retreating back, David turning around as he’s walking to flip him off.
”Be careful, don’t wanna make your lover jealous!” The music gets louder as he opens the door, and then he’s off. Alex lays back down, bites down on his lips hard as he considers things.
They talked once, while high as all hell, about sexuality. Sort of.
They sat on a hotel balcony floor, the cold tiles keeping them tied to the earth. Matt’s eyes had been red and puffy from the smoke, and Alex surely wasn’t better off. But his pretty, blond hair was growing out nicely, tan starting to form under the LA sun. It was hot as fuck out, the weather only now starting to cool. They were both in shorts, Alex wearing a tank and Matt some shirt he hadn’t bothered to button up, naked skin tempting Alex to reach out.
”Would you ever fuck a dude?” Alex had said, slow. He didn’t even know why the question popped into his head. Well, he does. But.
”Depends on the dude, I guess.” Matt considered it for a moment, chewing at his lip, drawing patterns with his finger across the tiles. ”I don’t think I could like, hook-up with a dude at random, y’know.”
”So, you fuck women, but you’d make love with a man?” Alex suggested, smile breaking out as Matt laughed. He was beautiful like this, the colors of the setting sun lighting his face in pinks and orange. He was resting his head against the wall, his neck tempting Alex to do... something. Anything. Nothing.
”Would you?” Matt asked, closing his eyes against the light.
”Would, have, and will again dude.” Alex shrugs, bursts out laughing as Matt’s eyes shoot open to give him an incredulous look. Alex can’t pinpoint his expression further, the haze making it hard to narrow down on details. ”C’mon, you knew that.”
”I did not.” Matt swallows, and something that might be hurt flashes across his face, but it doesn’t really make sense. ”Why didn’t you tell me?”
”I thought you knew, dude.”
”I would definitely remember if you had.”
”I’ll tell you all about it next time.” Alex suggests, joking, but it doesn’t seem to do anything to fix Matt’s expression. ”Don’t make this into like, a thing.”
”No, no. I’m not. Just processing.” Matt quickly replies. ”What’s it like?”
”It’s like fucking a girl but with about twice as many dicks involved.” Alex shrugs, relaxes at Matt’s smile.
”Fair enough, I guess.”
”But like, a lot of men are hot in a way women aren’t, y’know? And women are hot in a way men aren’t. It’s apples to oranges.”
“Apples to bananas?” Matt suggests with a grin.
“Ha-Ha.” Alex rolls his eyes. “Sometimes you just-” He cuts himself off. Considers.
”Sometimes what?”
”I don’t know, sometimes you wanna be fucked, y’know?” He answers, looks as Matt stares into his eyes down, swallows. His cheeks, neck, chest goes red - one after the other.
”Oh. What’s that like?” Matt tone is one Alex is familiar with. He’s interested, but is trying to hide it, trying to come off as nonchalant. He can’t figure out why.
”It’s just nice.” Alex turns towards the sun, only a few minutes left until the sky goes completely dark now.
”You have such a way with words.”
”Fuck off.”
”Should’ve been a poet.” Matt laughs, hits his head against the wall with the movement, which causes Alex to laugh until his stomach hurts.
They’ve fucking made it. It’s insane, and it’s intoxicating - and he’s experiencing it all with his best friend. They’re sharing the stage-lights, getting paid to fuck around and make music and it’s just everything he could’ve wished for. He had his little freak out, decided it was a moot point and life moved on. And then Matt kisses him on stage, a quick peck before he walks off to let Alex start his own set. He’s flustered, tries to hide it as best he can but he’s sure that the first row can see the way his face instantly flushes.
They don’t talk about it.
He sends some panicked texts to David, whose only response is reacting with laugh-emojis. He follows it up a few minutes later with a rainbow. Fuck that dude.
But also, Matt’s always been like that, still kisses his cheek, and his forehead, and the back of his hand but only on the rare occasion. It’s like, his weird fucking special alternative to a high-five. That he only seems to use on Alex. But lips had always kinda seemed off limits, and it just brings back every. single. thought. that Alex had tried to push into the back of his mind.
So he tries to not think of it as anything other than fun. Why not kiss your homies? He laughs the next time it happens, pushes up on his tiptoes to meet Matt easier. The next time, Matt puts a finger under his jaw to help him angle his head. Then he gets a quick kiss before the gig. And one after.
He does it again before they go to sleep - they’re crashing at some hotel, and sure, there’s two beds but Matt’s fucking insomnia seems to be on its best behavior when they sleep in the same bed, and you can sue Alex for not saying no to some extra closeness. He’s clingy. Whatever.
They’re talking about the plans for the next day, setting alarms on their phones before Matt turns off the bedside lamp, leaving them both in the dark. He reaches over, carefully finds the junction between Alex’s shoulder and neck and tugs, pushes them face to face. Then Matt kisses him. Just a quick delicate thing, a goodnight kiss plenty of lovers have and will share.
”Goodnight, Baby.” Matt says, and Alex slaps his shoulder for the nickname. He can practically hear the sunshine smile Matt must be sporting.
”My career has ruined pet-names, Jesus fuck.” He laughs, and Matt quickly joins in.
So maybe it’s actually fucking with Alex a lot. His texts and calls to David gets more frequent - he’s amazed he hasn’t been blocked yet, David has the patience of a fucking saint. His advice always boils down to some version of please talk to him so I don’t have to deal with this for five more years. Alex is very insistent on ignoring that advice for as long as he can manage. Over the course of a year his personalized torture amps up, one thing after the other.
Matt will hold his hand when they’re walking. He’ll cuddle up to Alex when they’re watching a movie, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck absentmindedly. Matt has him saved as alex <3 in his phone. A soft kiss before they go to sleep. The same three kisses every set they do. He has the day they met set as the code to his phone. He cooks Alex breakfast when he stays over. Calls his sweetheart.
It’s like dating, but worse because they’re not.
He’s in the middle of playing Diablo one Saturday, Matt playing around with his phone and sighing deeply. He has one hand on Alex’s knee, thumb rubbing across the fabric of his sweats every once in a while. Just touching for the sake of touching
”What’s up?”
”People keep fucking trying to set me up on dates.” Matt mumbles, clearly focusing on typing out a long message with his left hand. From what Alex can see out the corner of his eye, it’s not going great.
”Why’s that bad?” Alex replies, trying to keep his focus on the TV but rapidly failing.
”They’re just being assholes about- they’re just being assholes.” Matt sighs, locks his phone and throws it across the couch. It immediately vibrates as a text comes in, and Matt groans.
”About what?” Alex gives up, shuts off the game because he’s always going to be more interested in anything related to Matt. And dating. And Matt dating.
”Just this thing.” Matt sighs, removes his hand to run it through his hair, stressed.
”What thing?” Alex raises an eyebrow curiously.
”I just think they like, want me to move on. I guess.”
”Didn’t you break up with your ex like, four years ago? Are you still hung up on that?” Alex asks. Matt shakes his head. ”Well, just tell me, man. I’m not gonna 20-question my way into what’s going on with you.”
”I’ve just been like, hung up on this... I guess situationship? I hate that word - and they just want me to like, stop thinking about it.” Matt gets out. ”I mean, I also don’t wanna fucking think about it, but it’s kinda impossible to ignore.”
”What situationship?” Alex asks. Matt looks into his eyes, quirks one of his eyebrows like Alex should already know, looks surprised at the lack-of-knowing on Alex’s own face.
”Do we have to talk about it more?” Matt finally says, body language going rigid, like he’d rather be anywhere else but there, next to Alex all of a sudden.
”No, I just... didn’t know. I want to know what’s up with you.” Alex gets out. ”Didn’t know you had the time to find yourself in a situationship with all the time we spend together.” He tries it as a joke, but stops his smile as Matt fucking blanches, all color leaving his face at once as he closes his eyes tight.
”Matt?” Alex asks, carefully. ”Are we in a situationship?”
”Can we stop talking about it?” Matt says, voice tight. ”Please?”
”Absolutely the fuck not.”
”I’m really fucking sorry.” Matt says, opens his eyes to look at Alex. He looks embarrassed, and also like he’s about to cry. He’d been sitting with his legs crossed before, but he brings his knees up to his chest and he looks so fucking small . Alex's hand shakes a little as he reaches out, places it on Matt’s shoulder. It’s meant as a comfort, but it seems to have the opposite effect.
”You haven’t done anything- I’m so confused.” He tries.
”It’s just fucking dumb.” Matt sighs. ”I should’ve talked to you.”
”Yes, you should have.” Is all Alex can think to say, regrets his tone when Matt fucking flinches. ” I’ve had a crush on you since we fucking met. Probably since I fucking sent that first message.”
”No, but you-” Matt tries. ”You didn’t- ”
”You went to hook up with a girl and I had a gay crisis at the party, Matt. With David, who is the least reassuring person on earth, and who’s been forced to listen to me complain about my stupid crush on you ever since. He wants me dead.” Matt nods, slowly like he’s trying to absorb all the words.
”I’m going to kiss you now.” Alex adds, and Matt rushes him in before he has time to do anything, arms wrapping around him, lips meeting hard.
It feels like a kiss, and more like a battle, and it’s terrible, and it’s great and it’s everything everything. Matt runs his hand in Alex’s hair, nails scratching at his scalp. Alex can’t think, can’t focus. Matt pulls away.
”Can we go back to talking later?” He asks.
”Yeah, I got a lot of catching up to do before then.” Alex pulls him in again, before Matt can get a response in.