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I’m gonna be honest, I’m not big on journaling. This is not going to be a thing. I hope it doesn’t, at least.
I mean, alright, I did journal a bit after Mom and Dad died. Hell, this is the same one I used back then. But I wasn’t into it much. Too antsy and all. Maybe I’ll like it more this time. Or maybe it’ll end up in the back of my closet again, gathering dust. Who knows.
Anywho, I guess I should introduce myself or something. I’m Nevani, this is my journal. I’m here because I had to get some feelings off my chest. Nothing big or anything, just…personal stuff.
Right. Because that’s specific. Ugh.
Alright, where to start…I guess it all leads back to this girl I met a while back. She’s, uh, not exactly from around here. Name’s Aleryn, but I like to call her Nyrie. She’s a nice triton girl that got here from Toril some time ago, and…Well, to put it plainly, I am absolutely screwed to hell and back.
Not by her, of course. Not that I’d be opposed to that sort of thing, but--Shit, okay, that’s probably not how I should begin this. Let’s start over.
So Nyrie, right? She’s a nice girl. Like, super sweet. Awkward, sure, but she’s also funny, kind, smart, she has fucking superpowers; she’s kinda just awesome overall. We’ve really been hitting it off ever since the marrow monkey incident, which is great. But I think things might be getting…complicated on my end.
See, here’s the issue. I have a small tendency to fall for people really easily. Like, pathetically easily? Always have. I’m really good at developing crushes that either don’t go anywhere or that end badly or whatever. And I think I might have done it again this time.
Like, Nyrie and I are close, you know? I mean, our first not-quite-date involved her doing this wicked as hell magic elemental swing dance just to show off to Lehala. Then she kissed me, even if her heart wasn’t in it. It was like a perfect blend of all the right things to happen. It kickstarted things, just a little.
And I was fine when she said she didn’t want to be in a relationship, I get that. At least, I was fine. But then time passed and we got closer and a tiny crush became bigger and now…Now I’m confused.
Because I like her. I know we haven’t even known each other for a year, but I like her a lot. I’m happy whenever I see her, like she has a way of bringing up my day. I love the way she can be funny when she wants to be, the quiet confidence she has when she’s doing something she loves. I love how under that shell of hers, she has all this energy and feeling, and I love when she gets to show it off. I hate that some fuckers made her feel like she has to hide it.
I just love being around her. She’s good company, and she clearly likes being around me too. We’re comfortable together. But…Well, she’s not interested in me that way. And I understand completely, she is still figuring out her identity and she doesn’t know if she likes me back or whatever. I respect that, and I don’t plan to push her at all. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though.
Doesn’t help any that I really feel like she gets me. Like, not many other people can really get some of the stuff I deal with. Riyis and Valpha do their best, really, but there’s some things they just can’t understand. But when I first met Nyrie I could tell she just understood. Not that she meant for me to pick up on that.
Like…Okay, this might sound conceited or something, but not many people really get the whole autism thing. Even before I got my diagnosis (thank gods we got some psychology majors on the island), I knew I had something going on with me that other people didn’t have. That kinda knowledge really impacts a kid’s growth.
Like don’t get me wrong; most of the people on the island are nice about it. They don’t intend to make me feel bad or anything. But there’s still that underlying feeling that I’m not normal, and no amount of acting polite’s gonna change that.
When I’m flapping my hands in public, nobody might say anything, but they still stare like they don’t get what to do. If I’m shaking my head, they act like something’s wrong. Me being myself singles me out. No matter what I do, no matter how nice people are, I always stand out as the person who isn’t normal. The girl who has special needs that she needs attended to and that nobody really ‘gets’.
It’s isolating. Being the only person with significant sensory issues or who needs to stim very noticeably or who hyperfixates on things that nobody else cares about…It makes you feel like you don’t fit in. It’s worse when you can tell other people don’t understand it. They can be nice, they can be polite, but they still think I’m different. It hurts, you know?
So imagine how I felt when this girl knocked on my door and I realized, wow, she’s just like me. I mean, not just like me. There are some differences, and I’m pretty sure we work on different parts of the spectrum, but like…She gets it. She tried to hide it, but after being with her for only a few minutes I could see that she felt the ways I did, and that she was trying her damndest to hide it.
I didn’t know who she was, and she was doing everything in her power to avoid making any kind of friendship possible, but I just felt this sort of…I dunno. This spark of interest. I could tell she was like me, but she was trying so hard to keep it a secret. I felt bad for her. I wanted to let her know she wasn’t alone, because that’s what I wanted to hear. So I stuck it out and worked with her, and eventually we became friends.
And I just…I can’t explain how liberating it is to have a friend who gets this stuff. She still holds a lot back, but I don’t feel as weird being myself when she’s with me too. I feel normal, in a way. I can talk about it; our experiences, how happy it makes us, the things that make us unique. It stops feeling like a burden and it starts feeling like something amazing, just like Mom and Dad said it should.
I know all of this probably sounds weird to someone who hasn’t felt the way I did. But I can tell Nyrie understands it. Not just that, but she indulges me too. She always listens when I start hyperfixating about zoology and my favorite animals, and she’s conscious about my sensory needs without being asked, and she once told me she loves seeing me stim because it means she’s seeing me happy. She’s so sweet, I don’t understand how her Dominion doesn’t see it.
She makes me feel seen, you know?
But there’s more to our relationship than that. It’s in the little things. Her wicked little deadpan sense of humor. Her kindness to everyone she meets. Her determination to make people feel better just because she can. You can tell she’s been hurt so many times, but whenever I see her, she’s always being nice and friendly. She says she’s not normally like this; she says we bring out the best in her. I just think that maybe we’re the only ones she lets her guard down around.
I remember one night, we were having a sleepover. Everything was fine, until my nightmares popped up again. I spent the whole night flickering in and out of sleep, haunted by dumb fucking memories all over again.
Then I wake up and I see Nyrie, close by. She was sleeping in a different room, and I guess she came in to check on me. She sat by me and was singing this little song. I didn’t get why, but it was so pretty. She later told me that her mom would sing it to her whenever she had bad dreams or when the bullying would get too bad. It was one of her favorites.
I think about moments like that a lot. It just makes me think…I don't know. It makes me all confused. Because I shouldn't have a crush on her when she can't return my feelings. It's not fair to put her in that position, you know? She should figure out her feelings without the pressure of how I feel weighing on her.
I feel guilty for having this crush in the first place, but I feel bad for hiding it from her because, well, that's dishonest as fuck. But I also feel horrible not saying anything for my own sake. It sucks all around.
But I can't help it. I love being around her. I love her humor, her taste in books, her kindness, how weird she can be, how smart she is. I love that she's beautiful even if she says she looks plain. I love that she's finding herself and figuring out who she wants to be. I love that I get to see her change into a new person.
We just have this bond. I've felt it before, with other people. It never ends well. Every time I have a crush, it forms so easily and it always ends in the worst possible way. I mean, look at Lehala. Can you believe I dated her when we were younger? And now we hate each other.
I don't want that happening with Nyrie. I don't want my feelings messing things up between us. That's all my feelings are good for. Maybe it would be best if we stayed friends. Don't pass go, don't collect two hundred dollars, don't fall in love with your best friend. Simple, right?
Sigh. It doesn't feel that simple. I know I should keep all this to myself, but…She'll be gone soon. I don't know when, but one day, she'll go back to Toril. She'll be back with that Dominion that treats her like shit, with her scary supervillain friends who lead cults, fighting for her life against evil monsters…It will all be different.
I don't know if I'll ever see her again once she leaves. She promises we'll keep in touch somehow, but if something happens to her? If she dies or loses that tablet or whatever, will this be the last time I see her, when she's in Terminus? Could I live with myself if I never told her how I really feel?
Shit, I'm getting all emotional now. This is why I don't journal. I guess this is just a fucked up way of saying I'm confused, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.
Maybe I will one day. Preferably sooner rather than later. I guess for now all I can do is hope for the best and try to enjoy the time we have together. Maybe one day I'll figure something out.
Until then, might as well make the most of what we have, right?
~ Signed, Nevani.