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Doctor Maura Isles is a rational, logical, scientific woman. There is a lot of nuance to life she doesn't quite grasp, but she knows a lot about human behaviour and as such she thinks that she understands Jane Rizzoli in a way that many others do not.
At least she thought she did. Until eight weeks ago.
Empirically speaking, all the signs had been there and growing tired of waiting for Jane to come to her senses Maura had made the first move. For several glorious minutes between their lips meeting for the first time, their tongues entwining in a delicate exploratory dance and the look of absolute awe in Jane's eyes, she was certain in her understanding of the detective.
What she hadn't seen coming was the absolute look of terror in Jane's eyes when their first kiss fanned the embers of a greater desire. Buttons were popped and a blouse had been torn. Hands wandered, grabbing insatiably at wanton flesh, until suddenly they weren't.
In her entire life Maura had never seen someone's emotional state flip so dramatically and the look of terror in Jane's eyes as she had clumsily withdrawn from a situation that had been quickly getting out of control hurt Maura deeply. There was nothing she could do but watch in horror as Jane grabbed her shirt and made a hasty retreat. The slamming of the door on the way out only served as a big fat exclamation point on the realisation that she had been oh so very wrong.
She didn't understand Jane Rizzoli at all.
Recognising her apparent misinterpretation of the available data had left Maura feeling vulnerable and fearful that she may have inadvertently destroyed the most important relationship in her life. The usually calm, rational scientist was wrought with guilt and petrified she had just pushed her best friend away with an advance that Jane was clearly not ready to deal with.
She wanted nothing more than to apologise profusely in the hopes they could go back to the way things were before she had kissed the raven haired detective, but she dared not contact Jane. She couldn't begin to fathom any possible way with which that conversation could go well, and so she didn't do anything.
The weekend passed with no contact and it was with great reluctance that Maura had pushed past her fears and headed into work. There was no guarantee that she would even see Jane, not unless there was a fresh homicide they both happened to be assigned to and she definitely didn't want the first time they saw one another after everything that had happened, to be over a dead body, surrounded by colleagues.
It was with that in mind she had braced herself and rode the elevator up to the homicide bullpen first thing Monday morning. She found Jane and Frost at their desks joking around and they had both greeted her normally. Jane had been civil, bordering on friendly but it soon became quite apparent that Jane was doing what she did best with difficult to deal with emotions. Their kiss and everything that came along with it, including Jane’s own insatiable desire, had clearly been shoved in one of Jane’s little mental boxes and locked in the dark basement of Jane’s brain.
In essence Jane was pretending it hadn't happened.
It was then Maura realised that what she thought would be their best case scenario after Friday's fiasco was in fact the worst thing that could happen. Doctor Maura Isles no longer felt rational, logical or scientific. She politely excused herself and left the bullpen. She rode the elevator down to the lobby, where she would need to switch elevators to head to the morgue. When the elevator stopped at the main lobby she made an impulsive decision to skip out on her responsibilities. She couldn't stand to be in the same building with Jane Rizzoli for another moment.
It was that split second decision, which would lead to several further poor decisions that led Maura to this very moment. A moment where she finds herself feeling absolutely terrified because her chain of illogical and emotionally fuelled decisions following her exit that fateful morning has left her standing on the precipice of all of her hopes and dreams blowing up in her face.
The familiar pace of her friendship with Jane, which quickly returned once Maura swallowed her own feelings regarding Jane's decision to pretend their kiss never happened, is in absolute jeopardy. Because regardless of what she thinks she knows and what she has seen, one thing is certain, Jane is going to overreact.
After all, the empirical evidence is very clear in that regard. Jane Rizzoli has a tendency to overreact in emotionally charged situations. It is quite simply her nature.
"So, you wanna tell me what's goin' on?" Jane asks, drawing Maura out of her reverie.
"Honestly, no." Maura replies bluntly, because she doesn’t. She happens to not have much choice in the matter, as sooner or later it will become painfully obvious and the longer she waits the worse the reaction will be. "However I have come to realise that there is no getting around this and that I do indeed have to tell you."
Jane takes a sip from the beer she was offered when she arrived at Maura's and narrows her eyes, staring at Maura with intense scrutiny. Somewhere deep down in the recesses of her mind an alarm starts to go off, but she ignores it. She is concerned that Maura feels like she can't or shouldn't talk to her about something. Regardless of the something, well, with the exception of the one something she has worked incredibly hard to forget, Maura can talk to her about anything.
"Hey," Jane says gently, her eyes softening, "You can talk to me."
There is no point delaying the inevitable. Looking directly into searching brown eyes Maura bluntly states, "I'm pregnant."
Jane's eyes feel like they are going to pop out of her head in surprise. She did not see that coming. Maura hasn't been seeing anyone, at least that she knows of. An intense pang of emotional pain manifests physically. She starts feeling sick to her stomach. That box that she had so painstakingly packed away and buried deep in her mind so that she could maintain her friendship with Maura is threatening to burst open.
Jane swallows thickly, unsure of how she is supposed to react. She’s pretty sure it is not with this violent jealousy that is threatening to bubble to the surface. She takes several deep mouthfuls of her beer before nodding slowly and offering up an, "Okay."
Maura kept the kitchen island between them while delivering the news, but wants nothing more than to round the benchtop and take Jane by the hands in an attempt to quell the tumultuous emotions she can see gathering in her eyes. However she suspects that will not go over well. The entire situation is almost comical, if not for the very real possibility that it will create a permanent rift in their whatever-it-is, because quite frankly it is more than friendship, even if Jane refuses to acknowledge that. Because if they are just friends, she wouldn't be waiting for the fireworks that she knows are coming.
"Jane…"
The detective puts up a hand. "Don't," she says coolly. "How far along?"
"Eight weeks." Maura waits for Jane to do the math with more than a little trepidation.
The pain in her gut only worsens and Jane has to put down the beer bottle. It takes all the restraint she has to simply place it on the kitchen island, rather than to hurl it angrily at the wall. "So about the time…" she motions her hand between them, "We..."
"Jane, please-"
"No!" The little box springs open and hot tears bite at the corner of her eyes. Jane shakes her head and backs away slowly, "I can't hear this right now."
"Let me explain," Maura begs, knowing that she cannot let Jane leave like this. She quickly rounds the island and reaches out for Jane, only to be rebuffed.
Jane wipes angrily at her eyes for betraying her so blatantly and shakes her head, continuing to back away towards the front door. There is one thing she needs to know. Looking up into teary hazel eyes she asks, "Before or after?" Not really sure if either answer will satisfy her curiosity and lessen the blow.
Maura reaches out once more, desperate to hold onto Jane. Tears stream down her face, "After, but Jane…"
"NO!" Jane bellows angrily, pulling away from Maura. Her heart aches at what feels like the deepest betrayal. There is no room for logically analysing the situation or for accepting that she didn’t exactly give Maura anything good to work with. She just feels the burn of red hot betrayal. "Clearly what we shared meant nothing to you." She spits bitterly.
Maura knows that Jane has no right to speak to her this way or to feel hurt by what happened, because it is Jane that ran from the situation. But then again Maura realises that she does know Jane Rizzoli and this reaction is the only acknowledgement Jane can give that she hurts, that she cares and that she subsequently feels betrayed.
"No Jane," she says forcefully. "You can't even begin to comprehend how much that moment meant to me. But you ran away Jane. You acted like it never happened!"
"And what did you do huh?" Jane growls, still unable to reign in her emotions. "Went and fucked some guy because I didn't react the way you wanted me to?"
Maura sighs. "You hurt me Jane and yes I was angry with you for just dismissing me the way you did and yes, I made subsequent questionable decisions… but I'm here Jane. I didn't go anywhere."
"So what do you want huh?" Jane questions bitterly. "What am I supposed to do with this?"
Maura exhales deeply. She isn't sure she knows how to calm Jane down. The detective has clearly stepped into an emotional minefield of her own creation and only she will be able to navigate her way out safely. Maura has to be careful not to become collateral damage in the process. Resigned to the fact that may be unavoidable she says, "Nothing, Jane. You are not supposed to do anything with it. You wanted to know what had been bothering me and now I have informed you."
At that moment the side door into the kitchen opens and an unknowing Angela Rizzoli walks in with a bag of vegetables ready to begin preparations for dinner. She stops in her tracks, however, when she sees the tears on both women's faces. "Oh my God, what's happened?" She gasps, expecting some horrible news.
"Not now Ma," Jane growls, shooting a pointed look in her mother's direction.
"Now is not a good time, Angela." Maura offers politely, walking over towards Angela to help guide her back from whence she came.
Angela looks more closely at Maura and then her daughter before her face darkens and she points at her daughter accusingly. "What did you do?"
"Angela, please." Maura says softly, more than aware of the vein popping in Jane's forehead, because naturally her own mother had instantly assumed it was she to blame for their current state of being. "Jane and I have a few things to sort out, but there is nobody to blame."
"Like hell there isn't," Jane scoffs before realising that her attitude is not going to get Angela out of the house any faster. "Christ Ma, just let us deal with this!"
Reluctantly, and with a mind to wash her daughter's mouth out with soap, Angela allows Maura to escort her out of the house. Clearly whatever is going on is serious. She just hopes her daughter hasn't done irreparable damage to her friendship with Maura.
Maura closes and locks the door behind Angela and takes a moment to gather her thoughts. Her heart pounds violently and her stomach churns. They are on the precipice of not being able to find their way back and it hurts her beyond words.
Jane watches as Maura usher her mother out and watches as Maura leans against the door with her back still turned. Her body convulses, under what Jane recognises as sobs that her friend is trying to contain. It breaks her heart to see Maura so broken and she wants nothing more than to sweep the blonde up into her arms and hold her until the pain goes away, but that isn't going to help them.
She isn't sure she can make the pain go away. The haze of her emotional rage is subsiding and in its place a cold understanding settles in her gut. They are in this situation because she ran from intense feelings that had threatened to overwhelm her. She chokes back a fresh wave of tears and runs a hand through her hair. "God, she isn't wrong you know."
Maura turns at the sound of the resignation in her best friend's voice. "I'm sorry?"
"It's my fault." Jane admits sadly. She locks eyes with Maura and says, "It's always my fault."
"Jane, no…" Maura crosses the room and pulls her friend into a fierce hug. "You weren't ready," she admits, burying her face against Jane's shoulder. "I put pressure on us when I kissed you."
Jane wraps her arms tightly around Maura. She swallows down the emotion attempting to overwhelm her once more. She has never known a feeling as intense as the feelings that have been building inside her over the years for her best friend. They absolutely terrify her, because she knows that they are going to change her forever and she hasn't been sure she is ready for all that entails. Now they stand wrapped tightly around one another, tears streaming down both their faces, hearts hurting and they don’t need to be.
"Forgive me," she whispers, partially to Maura. Partially to herself. Partially to the God she isn't so sure will approve of the way she feels. She presses several soft kisses into Maura's honey blonde hair and repeats a little more loudly, "Forgive me."
Maura pulls back to arms length and smiles softly, still uncertain of what their future holds, but certain that as long as Jane is honest with her she will always find forgiveness. She reaches out and wipes a tear from Jane's cheek, "Always, Jane."
Jane brings her own hand up to cover Maura's and keep it pinned against her cheek. "I don't deserve you," She offers sadly before turning into Maura's hand and kissing her palm softly.
Maura's eyes close at the sensation of those lips on her palm. "Jane," she utters softly. Opening her eyes she gently pulls her hand away and smiles sadly, "We have to talk."
Jane nods. They have a lot they have to discuss but she has a sneaking suspicion she knows what Maura needs her to know, besides the obvious of course. "You want to keep the baby?"
"Yes," Maura responds, a little nervous about where it will leave them. She has thought about it a lot and as much as she loves Jane, she cannot give up this child. Not that she honestly thinks Jane would want that, but she knows it might become a deal breaker if and when Jane ever accepts her feelings.
"What about me?" Jane asks quietly.
"What about you?" Maura asks, initially confused by what Jane means.
Jane smiles a little, recognising that she had been slightly obtuse given the circumstances. "Do you want to keep me?"
"You're not mine to…" Maura attempts to respond, but pauses when Jane brings a finger to her lips in an attempt to shush her.
"I'm yours." Jane admits, "I've been yours for the longest time."
"Jane…."
"Ssshh," Jane whispers before leaning down to capture Maura's lips with her own.
They kiss until they need oxygen and Maura pulls back to arm's length once more. "Jane, you need to know-"
Jane presses her index finger against Maura's lips once more and jokes, "Don't say it. Ma will be in here planning our wedding."
Maura quirks an eyebrow and chuckles softly. "Oh Jane," She exhales, the tension dissipating from her body. "It's already planned and paid for."
Jane's eyes bug out of her head before she catches the sneaky grin on Maura's face, which causes her to break out in a full belly laugh. She knows there will be struggles ahead and she knows that she isn't always going to deal, but she knows that she isn't going to run away again. She can’t. Maura deserves so much more than that. "I need you to know Maur, that no matter how hard it gets… no matter how much I struggle sometimes, I'm not leaving this time. I can't deny the truth any longer." She takes a deep breath and jumps right in with the truth of her heart. "I love you Maura."
Maura places a soft kiss on Jane's lips before responding, "I love you too."
Doctor Maura Isles is a rational, logical, scientific woman and Jane Rizzoli is not, but that is okay. Because in the end, despite occasional evidence suggesting otherwise, Maura Isles knows Jane Rizzoli all too well.