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It was Saturday around 4pm when Dazai decided he wanted to take a shower. Usually he would take a shower late at night but he and Chuuya have a double date with Akutagawa and Atsushi at 7pm.
Dazai closed the door as he walked into the bathroom of his and Chuuya’s shared apartment holding a change of clothes. He usually locked himself in the bathroom whenever he changed his bandages. After he took off his clothes and undid his bandages, he took a glance at his bare body in the mirror for a moment before turning to open the shower curtain. Just as he was about to turn the water on, he heard a loud knock at the bathroom door and a familiar voice calling out to him.
“Hey Mackerel, can you open the door for a moment, I wanna ask you something,” Chuuya called out. He sounded a little nervous, which caught the brunette’s curiosity. Dazai put his sweater back on before he opened the door slightly, with the lower half of his body hidden from behind the door so that the older boy didn't see his unbandaged legs.
“What do you need, Chibi?” He looked down at the shorter male who had a cute blush on his face. He was wearing one of Dazai’s light brown hoodies, which looked three or four sizes too big on him. It came down right above his knees and Chuuya had to roll up his sleeves because of how long it was on him. Dazai could probably guess the redhead was also wearing booty shorts under the hoodie too, and he had his collar on around his neck. Before Dazai could finish checking his boyfriend out, he was interrupted by said boyfriend.
“Hey, um, I was wondering… could I take a shower with you?” Chuuya had his head down and was fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie with his fingers. The brunette was a little shocked since that's not something he and the older had done yet, but also because he didn’t know what to say. Of course he wanted to take a shower with Chuuya, but that would mean having his bandages off in front of him.
‘What would he think of what he saw under them? He would probably think I’m ugly. What if he was so disgusted by what he saw that he wanted to break up? What if he told everyone about it? What if-’
“Hey! Dazai snap out of it!” The taller blinked a few times as he snapped out of his mini panic attack. He looked down at Chuuya to see worried eyes frowning back up at him.
“We don’t have to if you don’t want to, I just thought-”
“I want to, I’m just… scared.” Dazai admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. He was kinda shocked at his own confession. He’s not one to admit he’s vulnerable, especially in the presence of another person, but Chuuya isn’t just anyone so it’s hard not to let his guard down.
“What are you scared of, you big dummy? It’s just me.” Chuuya smiled up at his boyfriend reassuringly.
“Better just be you.” They both snorted a small laugh; Dazai knowing how jealous the redhead gets (like that time Chuuya almost knocked girl’s teeth in for kissing Dazai’s cheek RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM), and Chuuya knowing how possessive the brunette can be (like when he gifted Chuuya his black collar that had “Property of Dazai Osamu” written in silver, which Chuuya now wears every day).
There was a pause before the taller man spoke again,“I’m worried about you seeing me without my bandages. I’m scared that you’ll think I’m repulsive.” Dazai diverted his eyes, he was scared of what Chuuya was gonna say. He had never felt so vulnerable in his life, he had never allowed himself to, but for some reason it was so hard not to feel vulnerable with the redhead.There was a pause, almost as if he was processing what the younger male just said to him. Although he tried to hide it, it was obvious that Dazai had some form of body dysmorphia. Chuuya knew, and had always done what he could to make sure his boyfriend was comfortable around him, so when he said shit like that, it really pissed him off. It felt like an eternity before the older boy finally spoke.
“Do you really think I give a shit about what you look like behind those bandages? Cause I don’t. You’re hot no matter what you’re wearing, that’s one of the many things about you that pisses me off. But I didn’t start dating you just because of your looks, even though you are hot as fuck. I also love you because even though you act like a total dumbass sometimes, you’re smart, smarter than most people. Although most of your jokes are fucking lame, you do make me laugh. You match my sarcasm and I love when we compete together. I know we bicker all the time and have arguments over the smallest of things but I like that you challenge me, it’s never boring when I’m with you. What I’m trying to say is, I love you Dazai Osamu. I love all of you.”
Dazai tried to hold back his tears while listening to Chuuya's confession, but when he was finished talking, the tears wouldn’t stop. He had never felt so loved in his entire life. Ever since he met the hot head, the walls he tried so desperately to keep up started cracking, until there was nothing left but a pile of rubble. Part of him was scared, scared of letting someone see the real him, scared that he would judge, scared that he would leave. But another part of him felt oddly hopeful, hopeful for the future, hopeful for their relationship, hopeful that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t have to carry the weight of his sins on his own.
Dazai tried wiping his eyes with his sleeves but the tears just kept coming. The brunette felt a soft hand cup his cheek, rubbing it gently with the thumb. He looked down through tear filled eyes to see his beloved Chuuya looking up at him so sweetly, it almost gave Dazai a sugar rush. The taller man felt himself calming down as he stared into those beautiful ocean eyes. His gaze soon fell to the older boy’s lips and he felt himself slowly leaning down and closing his eyes. Chuuya’s other hand came up to cup his other cheek and pull him down as he stood on his tippy toes to reach. When their lips met, it was the softest kiss they had ever shared. It was so sweet and tender, it made Dazai feel truly cared for. When they broke apart, they laid their foreheads together as they kept their eyes closed and just breathed in each other’s scent. After a few seconds, Dazai was the first one to speak up.
“Who knew the Slug could be so sweet?” Dazai lightly teased as he smiled and opened his eyes to look at the beautiful man in front of him.
“Who knew you could be such a crybaby?” The redhead retorted as he rolled his eyes and moved away, looking up at the taller male with a playful smile.
“Heh, I couldn’t help it, I had no idea that’s how you really felt about me… It made me happy.” Dazai looked away with a light blush on his face.
“Shuddap…” Chuuya diverted his eyes and blushed too, embarrassment finally catching up with him over what he said.
After a few moments of silence, the younger male looked back down at his lover. “Um, so about the shower thing, I’m okay if you take one with me but… can you keep your eyes closed, please?” Dazai was nervous, thinking maybe he was asking too much.
The redhead thought for a moment before looking back up and answering. “Okay fine, but you have to make sure I don’t fall and you'll have to wash me cause I won’t be able to see.” Chuuya negotiated as he crossed his arms. He was happy the brunette was comfortable enough to take a shower with him, even if he didn’t want him seeing his bare skin yet.
“Heh, yeah of course” Dazai said mostly out of relief that the redhead had said yes.
Chuuya closed his eyes and let his hands fall down to his side.“Okay, I’m ready.” The shorter male said softly. Dazai opened the door the rest of the way and gently held Chuuya’s hand, pulling him into the bathroom, then closed the door again. Dazai walked back in front of the older boy, stopping just a few inches in front of him. The brunette was still hesitant, so he just wanted to check and make sure Chuuya couldn’t actually see. The taller male started waving his hand in front of the shorter one’s face, trying to see if he could see it. Although he couldn’t see, Chuuya could still sense the hand in front of his face and hear it waving in the air.
“Stop trynna test me jackass, I ain’t fucking looking!” The redhead shouted, getting annoyed at the other for not believing he would keep his promise.
“Right, sorry” Dazai immediately stopped, embarrassed that he had been caught. Dazai decided to take Chuuya’s clothes off first, starting with his hoodie, and then his shorts and underwear, which he all threw on the floor in a corner. He then took off Chuuya’s collar and set it on the counter before turning his gaze to look back over at Chuuya’s exposed body, admiring how beautiful every curve and muscle is.
The shorter male can feel the other’s eyes on him and he can’t help the blush that spreads across his face. “Hurry up Mackerel.” Dazai comes out of his trance and takes his sweater off, tossing it with the other clothes. He turns around to turn the handle for the water to come on in the shower and once it’s nice and warm, he uses one hand to hold Chuuya’s waist and the other to hold his hand as he carefully guides him into the shower.
Once in the shower, the brunette lays both of his hands on the shorter man’s waist, rubbing his thumb soothingly (mostly for himself). Chuuya lays both of his hands on Dazai’s shoulders, caressing the skin there. As his hands moved down the other man’s arms, the redhead felt a different texture of skin. His fingers carefully traced what felt like lines of scar tissue that seemed to be in different size cuts scattered from the taller man’s shoulders, all the way down to his wrists. Chuuya froze in realization of what all these cuts were, and from how tense Dazai felt under his touch, he was scared of what his reaction was gonna be. Chuuya couldn’t help but feel like he was partly at fault for this.
‘Damnit.. I should have been there for him more.. I should have known, I am his fucking boyfriend after all! It was so obvious! He is obsessed with suicide and has even tried to commit it before multiple times, of course he self harms!’
With tears in his eyes, the older male leaned down, placing gentle kisses on the scars. This surprised Dazai, he had expected the redhead to be frightened, to be disgusted, to yell at him for doing something so stupid. He didn’t understand why the shorter male was being so kind to him, it made him tear up at how he was being treated like glass, as if he would break if he wasn’t handled gently.
Chuuya moved to Dazai’s other arm and started giving feather-light kisses to each scar he could feel, then he moved to the brunette’s chest, then his neck. Anywhere where the bandages covered up, there were scars, some big, some small but they were everywhere. Although he couldn’t see, Chuuya could probably guess some were deeper than others.
Chuuya kissed up Dazai’s neck, to his jaw, and finally placed a gentle kiss on his lips. The taller man closed his eyes and kissed back, lips fitting perfectly in place with the other’s. Chuuya brought one hand up to cup the brunette’s cheek while the other went around to hold the back of his neck, deepening the kiss as he tilted his head a little to the side for more room. Dazai brought both of his hands up to cup the redhead’s cheeks, the water making their kiss more wet than not, but neither of them minded. Dazai bit Chuuya’s lips, asking for entrance, to which the other granted him. Sliding his tongue in, they danced together in unison, just like they had many times before. Parting for air, their faces still mere inches away from each other, they breathed heavily as they kept their eyes closed. After a minute of calming down, Chuuya decides to speak up first.
“Damn Dazai, never asking for help. What the hell am I here for if not to support you? We’re supposed to be partners.” Chuuya whispered annoyedly, but it was loud enough to hear over the shower.
“You’re right, I’m sorry Chibi.” Dazai nuzzled the smaller man’s cheek with his nose, placing feather light kisses on his soft skin. He wrapped his arms around the redhead’s waist, holding him close.
“Tch, whatever..” Chuuya ran his hands up and down Dazai’s arms soothingly, letting out a hmm when the brunette started kissing from his jaw, down to his neck. Dazai pulled back and got some shampoo and started massaging it into the older male’s scalp, appreciating the way he relaxed as he leaned his head back into his hands. After rinsing the shampoo out, he grabbed the conditioner and put some on the ends of Chuuya’s hair. Then he repeated the process on himself. As they sat in comfortable silence, Chuuya laid his head on Dazai’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist. The redhead planted soft kisses to the younger man’s chest where the scars were scattered.
The brunette blushed and for a moment, all of his negative thoughts disappeared. He looked down and brought his hand up to gently caress the older man’s head as he let out a soft sigh. The taller male thought for a moment as he watched his boyfriend pepper kisses all over his scars.
‘Maybe I can show Chuuya my scars. Maybe he won’t be grossed out. I should trust him, he has been nothing but accepting of me so far…’
“H-hey Chibi…” Dazai hesitates and looks away, feeling nervous.
“Hm?” Chuuya says as he rubs his thumb on Dazai’s waist, soothing him since he noticed he became tense. Dazai takes a deep breath before gently placing his index finger underneath Chuuya’s chin, tilting his head upward so he is looking up at Dazai, but his eyes are still closed.
“Chuuya, open your eyes..” The brunette said calmly, but there was a hint of nervousness behind his voice.
Chuuya hesitated,“Are you sure?” The redhead didn’t want to do something the other wasn’t ready for.
“Yes, I’m sure. I trust you.” Dazai stated, and although he was nervous, Chuuya could tell that this was something he really did want.
He let out a small “okay”, before slowly opening his eyes. At first he was a bit blinded by the light, but after he blinked a few times and let his eyes adjust, he looked up to see Dazai looking down at him with a light blush on his cheeks and his hair was wet as it laid messily on his forehead. Chuuya’s eyes slowly made their way down from Dazai’s hazelnut eyes, to his soft cheeks, down to his irresistible lips, to his perfect jawline. The shorter man couldn’t lie, the brunette looked hot as fuck, even drenched in water.
As Chuuya’s eyes traveled down further he caught sight of what looked to be scars from cuts and slices around Dazai’s neck and chest, traveling down his arms and legs too. He could guess they were probably made from a number of small sharp objects but if the redhead had to make a guess, he would say they fit the description of cuts you would see from some kind of small knife. There look to be two different kinds of cuts; the first one being long, ragged and deep cuts, which are mostly scattered around the brunette’s forearms and upper thighs, probably made with something a little less sharp and precise than the other ones. If Chuuya had to guess, it was most likely a boxcutter knife or some kind of utility razor blade. The second one being fine, clean, precise, and deep cuts, which are mostly scattered all over Dazai’s chest, neck, upper arms, and mid-thighs. It’s easy to tell that these weren’t made with just any regular blade, they had to be from some kind of scalpel.
‘I’ve been around Mori enough to know exactly what a cut from those looks like.’ Chuuya thinks, and as soon as he does, he freezes. The ones that look like they were done with something like a boxcutter knife look like they’ve been done more recently, while the scars that look like they were done with a scalpel look to be a little more than a few years old.
‘That was around the time Dazai was still in the Port Mafia.. Don’t tell me Mori did this to him.’ Chuuya looks up to meet Dazai’s awaiting gaze, panic written all over the redhead’s face as he is slowly making sense of everything.
“D-did Mori…” Chuuya’s voice is shaking, he can’t even say it, but he needs to know. He looks Dazai in the eyes, his own eyes wide with shock. The brunette diverts his gaze, looking down to the side in shame.
“Yes..” Dazai answers, and Chuuya is flooded with emotions. He thinks back to everytime he was with Dazai and Mori. Every time he saw them interact with each other. Dazai always seemed like he was uncomfortable and wanted to be anywhere else, he was always less talkative and kept his head down. Mori on the other hand was always so touchy-feely with him, always had a hand on his shoulder or back, not to mention he was overly friendly with Dazai to the point it kind of weirded Chuuya out on a few occasions. Now that he thinks about it, he remembers those times when Mori would call Dazai into his office and he wouldn’t come back for hours at a time, which at first Chuuya thought it was for work because he was the executive, but now he realizes how wrong he was to assume that. And when he would see Dazai after the “meetings” he had with Mori, he looked like he was trying to hide the fact that he was in pain.
“Why…Why didn’t you tell me?!” Chuuya yelled, hands gripping the brunette’s shoulders tightly. God he felt so stupid. He was pissed at Mori, pissed at Dazai for not telling him, and most of all pissed at himself for not realizing it sooner.
Dazai sighed, “Because when Mori noticed how close the two of us were getting, he knew I would end up telling you or that you would find out about it, so he threatened me and said that if I let you find out then he was going to something much worse and it would hurt a lot more.”
“That bastard.. I’m gonna kill him.” Chuuya vowed. He was overflowing with rage that his boyfriend was suffering alone by the hands of a madman and there was nothing he could have done about it.
Dazai smiled and leaned down, kissing the redhead’s cheek. “God, you’re hot when you talk like that.” The taller man said playfully, sliding his hands up and down the shorter’s waist as he tried to distract him from being upset.
Chuuya pinched Dazai’s cheek, dragging his face close to his. “Don’t change the subject asshole! Besides, you still haven’t told me where the other cuts are from.” The older man yelled in the younger’s ear.
“Owowow! Okay I will, just let go of me!” Dazai hollered in pain. When Chuuya let go of Dazai’s cheek, the brunette held his sore cheek with his hands and pouted his lips. “Chibi’s so violent.”
The redhead just rolled his eyes, “Anyway, what are the other scars from? I can tell it’s from some kind of razor blade, but how did you get them? Is there another person I need to add to my murder list or.. Are they self-inflicted?” Chuuya could already guess the answer but he needed to hear it from Dazai. He stared at the taller male, waiting for an answer he knew he didn’t want to hear.
Dazai looked down, his hands falling to his side as he took a steady breath. “ I.. I Did it to myself.” The brunette admitted. He felt so vulnerable and weak and he hated it. He thought that this is when Chuuya would really get mad at him, but instead, he felt the redhead wrap his arms around his waist and hug him tightly. The taller male was a bit surprised at how accepting the shorter male was, and even more surprised when he felt hot tears running down his face. He wraps his arms around the redhead, hugging him back just as tight.
After a minute, they pull apart just enough to look at each other before Chuuya speaks. “I want you to be honest with me. Are you still self harming?” Chuuya asks as he looks directly into Dazai’s eyes.
“Sometimes.. Not as much as I used to anymore..” Dazai says truthfully, eyes looking anywhere but at the man in front of him. He has a feeling he knows where this is going.
Chuuya grabs Dazai’s chin and forces the brunette to look him in the eyes. “Okay, this is what is going to happen. We’re gonna finish showering, then get dressed, and then you are going to give me every sharp object you have. From now on, you are not to be left alone, especially in the kitchen and bathroom. And I want your location on at all times.” Chuuya explains in a matter-of-fact tone. He is not taking any chances.
“Okay..” Dazai says quietly, accepting his fate. As much as he doesn’t want help, he knows there’s no point in trying to fight Chuuya on this. The redhead leans up and kisses the brunette’s lips softly, soothing both of their nerves.
“I love you mackerel.” Chuuya says as he breaks away from the kiss. He means it. He loves this idiot with all of his heart.
“I love you too slug.” Dazai says and kisses Chuuya’s cheek once more. Although he’d never admit this to Chuuya or anyone else in fact, his world had become a little bit brighter ever since he met the redhead.
‘ Maybe life isn’t so bad as long as I’m with you.’
END