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Izuku stared at the wall, his blankets crumpled on the foot of his bed. Why did he feel like this? He did everything right. He had eaten three healthy meals, fruit, and he’d gotten plenty of exercise. He’d talked to people, slept 8 hours and finished his schoolwork. Yet he still felt this horrible. Did they lie to him? Was he just naive? Wasn’t taking care of his physical well being supposed make him feel better?
He scrunched his face as he curled further in on himself, imagining shooting the thought that’d come on. Kill himself. Yeah right. He’d come this far. He won’t. But sometimes, at times like these, he couldn’t help but imagine it. He couldn’t think about anything else. It’d fix it all. He really thought that getting into UA, gaining a quirk, and making friends would make this feeling go away. He’d hoped and actually believed he could just package his past up into a box and hide it in the attic. It was naive and idealistic in hindsight.
So, here he was. The number one hero in the making, golden boy of 1-A, sitting in his room thinking about killing himself. He snorted at the irony. He’d gotten everything he ever wanted. And he knows he won’t, he can’t stop now. He doesn’t want to. Yet his mind refuses to shut up. He keeps falling back into the loop of thoughts reminding him of the pencil sharpener on his desk, the kitchen knives in the common room, the pain meds on his bedside table.
Izuku groans as he checks his phone, squinting at the harsh light hitting his face. “Great, it’s one in the morning. Fun.” Izuku drawls at the shadows in his room.
He sighs, knowing he can’t sleep and will probably be exhausted during school the next day. He puts his phone back on his bedside table as he lets his head fall back to stare at the ceiling, his hands aching due to the cold creeping in trough the open window. He turns his head to look at it and narrows his eyes before getting up. Fully opening the window is a bit of a struggle, but he manages to after a minute or two. Positioning himself on the edge of the window, he takes a deep breath.
UA looks peaceful at night. The entire city does, in his opinion. The streets quiet and lanterns forming unified lines, almost making the city look like it’s fake, like there aren’t thousands of people living there. People Izuku now has to protect, alongside the rest of his class. He shudders as the cool night sky kisses his bare limbs and takes a deep breath. It always made him feel better to just breathe some fresh air. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, allowing his body to relax.
Just as he was bordering on falling asleep, a knock on his door almost causes his to fall out of the window. Cursing under his breath he manages to catch himself just in time as he struggles to get back inside his room.
“Uh, yes?” Izuku says, voice creaking.
The door opens to reveal Aizawa standing in the doorway. “Care to explain why you’re sitting on the edge of the window at,” Aizawa opens his phone and squints at the light, “1:45? You have class tomorrow.”
Izuku flushes red at being caught, “Ah, sensei! I couldn’t sleep so I figured I should get some fresh air.” Izuku said, flashing his signature smile, if a bit nervously.
“And you couldn’t have done that by opening your window and laying down?” Aizawa asked, sarcasm lacing his voice.
“I couldn’t see the view from my bed?” Izuku replied, though it sounded more like a question than a statement.
Aizawa walked further into his room to stand next to him and look out the window. “Wow. This view is beautiful. Maybe I should risk my life by falling asleep in my windowsill too.”
Izuku chuckles at the comment before quickly regaining his composure. Aizawa always got more sarcastic when he was tired. “I wasn’t falling asleep-” Aizawa raised an eyebrow at him “-okay, so, maybe i was. But not on purpose! And you can’t tell me I just shouldn’t sleep.” Izuku cringed at himself. He normally wouldn’t be so forwards with Aizawa, but he was tired.
“Yes, sleep generally isn’t on purpose. Sitting in your windowsill was though. And there are other, better, ways to deal with insomnia. The class has a huge stock of chamomile thee and melatonin. Knocking yourself out by falling two stories seems quite drastic in comparison.”
Izuku was flabbergasted. “Sensei. I promise it was an accident. I didn’t mean to get hurt, and I didn’t.”
“Knowing your track record, that is a miracle in and off itself.” Aizawa replied, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
Izuku looked at Aizawa, a shocked grin on his face. Aizawa was looking at him, his facial features soft in the moonlight, and his eyes contrasting with his pale skin. A hint of a smile was readable on his features. And suddenly, Izuku got it.
“…You’re trying to distract me.” Izuku said, the shocked expression making place for a soft look filled with a hopeful sort of admiration.
Aizawa paused before answering. “I am. Is it working?”
Izuku snorts at how ridiculous the question was. “Well, I’m certainty feeling less tired now.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Aizawa asked, his body language open in a way Izuku wasn’t used to.
Hesitating for a second, Izuku replied. “I’m not sure. It’s- it’s stupid, I guess.”
“That’s okay. I’m here to listen, if you want me too.” Aizawa replied, walking over to Izuku’s desk and sitting down in his desk chair.
Izuku stayed quiet for another few minutes, before speaking up, his voice softer now. “I guess I was just,” Izuku sighed, “I felt bad. In a way I thought I left behind me. And it should be behind me. I mean, look at me. I’m all I ever wanted to be. I’m in 3-A, on pace to be a top 50 hero at least the moment I graduate. I have amazing friends and an insanely powerful quirk. I’m doing well. Yet I just- can’t help thinking it could be easier.”
Izuku stopped talking, staring out the window before speaking up again. “When I was younger, I didn’t know that many coping mechanisms. I had to survive, you know? I didn’t have the luxury of time to process everything. So I got into some unsavory habits. But cigarettes were too expensive, and I hated the taste of alcohol.”
Izuku took a breath. “And so, I reached for the easiest option; pain. The worst part is how much it helped. I got used to it, dependent, even. And now feeling bad just makes me want to hurt myself. Makes me want to,” Izuku glanced at Aizawa, who was looking at him intently and gulped, “kill myself, but not really? It’s more of an intrusive thought, one I got used to. And even though I know I don’t truly want to, I can’t shake the idea, the desire.”
Izuku took a shaky breath, looking at the floor “It’s stupid, I know. I’m just dramatic, I gue-” He was cut off by warm arms enveloping him into a hug. He sagged into it, letting the tears that had been gathering in his eyes fall.
“Midoriya Izuku. You are not dramatic, nor weak, nor stupid. You are incredibly powerful. I am so proud of you for overcoming those urges, for looking for different ways to cope. I have so much respect for the strength it must have taken to gather yourself out of that pit. You are not weak for struggling. I’m here.”
Izuku took another shuttering breath and sobbed into Aizawa’s chest, twisting his fingers into the back of his shirt. His teacher’s heartbeat was comforting against his cheek. “Thank you, Aizawa.” Izuku said, his voice shaky.
Aizawa hummed, stroking Izuku’s back. “You can always come to me, problem child. And I’m sure all of your friends would be happy to help you if you reach out. We care for you. You’re no longer alone.”
Izuku didn’t reply, instead burying his face in his teachers chest.
Aizawa just kept patting his back, guiding them to sit on Izuku’s bed until Izuku stopped crying.
“I’m sorry,” Izuku started once he’d regained his voice.
“None of that,” Aizawa interjected, “I’m glad to be able to support you. I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me this.”
Izuku’s lip started wobbling, but he bit it, exhausted from all the crying. “Thank you, then.” He said, before yawning.
Aizawa chuckled and stood up from the bed. “You should probably go to sleep. We can talk more tomorrow, if you want to.”
Izuku nodded, lying down. Aizawa waved at him before closing the door behind him. “Sleep well, problem child.”
“You too, sensei.”