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When the world's end came, he wasn't even twenty-three yet. Just on the cusp of it.
By the time people had accepted the fate of the universe and adjusted to their new lives, Heeseung was still learning how to walk in his new shoes. He didn't know how to be an adult—still doesn't. But now, he at least has some semblance of knowing how to live.
How to survive.
His parents didn't have what it took. To make it out alive.
His mother succumbed to her bite—turned. His father was murdered by bandits. As for his older brother, he had never heard from him.
From the beginning of the end until now, he doesn't even know if his brother is alive. So, it became his mission. To find his brother and reunite with anyone else that he could call family. That's been his goal since his parents passed.
He's learned a lot about the world in the last five or six years. About people. About land. About climate. About the weather. About animals. About materials. About food. About water. He gained so much knowledge that he would never have found useful if it hadn't been for the apocalypse.
The one consistent thing that stuck out like a sore thumb to him was people. Time could change. Trees could change. Air could change. But people didn't. People didn't fucking change. And he had a hard time coming to understand and accept that. He developed trust issues because of it. Surviving became much harder as well.
The apocalypse showed him how to feel, too. So many emotions he'd never felt before the end of the world—he experienced them because of how people acted.
Pride. Rage. Confidence. Sadness. Bravery. Fear. Exhaustion. Curiousity. Regret. Power. Bitterness. Hope. Frustration. Embarrassment. Guilt. Vulnerability. Betrayal. Sympathy. Anger. Loneliness.
There was only one emotion that Heeseung thought of that he hadn't felt since his parents left his side all those years ago.
Love.
He doesn't remember how it feels to love.
To be loved.
Coming across people wasn't rare. But people he could trust? People he could call friends? People he could love? That was like seeing the blue moon—it would never happen.
At least that's what he thought.
It's what he believed before he met Jay and his crew.
Now, not only does he know what it's like to be loved, but he knows what it's like to love back, too. And it's tenfold of what he's ever known in the past. He cherishes it, keeping it close to his heart like it's something he could lose at any point in time.
Speaking of time, he's pretty sure he's been lying wide awake in bed for the past couple of hours now. He feels restless. Unsure why. So, he decides to get up and take a stroll. He thinks watch duty is on Jay tonight, so he could probably bother him, too. So, after taking a quick piss and refilling his water bottle, he leaves the building and heads out to where he knows Jay usually stays during his night duty.
As he's approaching the spot, he gradually hears something strange. It's familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time.
It sounds…gentle. Soft. Melodic.
Almost like—
"You didn't tell me you knew how to play the guitar."
Jay jumps, startled by Heeseung's voice. His entire body moves with the force of it, causing him to drop the notebook in one of his hands and stumble forward to catch his guitar from falling to the ground. "God!" He exclaims in a whisper.
"Please. Just call me Heeseung," Heeseung jokes, grinning as he drags one of the camping chairs to Jay's side and plops down next to Jay.
"You're not funny," Jay replies, looking over at Heeseung to glare at him. "You scared the fucking shit out of me."
Heeseung throws his hands up in surrender, but a smile on his face nonetheless. "My bad." He settles his hands on his lap and nods his head in the direction of the guitar in Jay's embrace. "You play?"
Jay sighs and bows his head. "You weren't supposed to find out yet," he mumbles in a sulky tone, his lips pouting.
Heeseung's eyebrows rose in surprise. "What do you mean?"
Jay shakes his head and sighs. "What are you doing awake?"
Heeseung shrugs. "Couldn't sleep. I knew you were on watch duty tonight, so I thought I'd join you 'til I felt tired enough to rest." He tilts his head to the side with a slight smile. "You're not answering my questions."
Jay stares at him for a few seconds and resigns. "It was supposed to be a surprise," he explains.
"Oh. Why?"
"It was..." Jay trails off and sighs again. "For your birthday," he finishes off in a hushed tone. He sits up straight on his chair and hugs the guitar to his chest.
Heeseung's eyes widened. "My birthday? You wanted to play the guitar for me on my birthday?" He asks, genuinely shocked.
It's in the middle of the night, the lantern next to Jay lit dim, but Heeseung can see Jay's face clearly from their proximity. He's blushing. Heeseung finds it so cute.
"Yeah," Jay whispers. "It's—it was something like that."
"Wow. I'm just—what... What made you...want to do that? For me?"
Jay smiles. A small one. He looks like he's recalling memories. Reminiscing. "I used to do busking. In my late high school and early college years. Dancing. Singing. Both. You know. Before becoming successful in culinary arts and being titled as the youngest chef in South East Asia."
"Wait—what!? Woah! Hold on—so you're that Jay Park!?"
Jay lets a breath of air escape his mouth—a mix of something between a scoff and a laugh. Then he nods. Timid and humble. "Yeah," he replies quietly.
"Holy shit. I've never seen his face before, so—wow. I—I had no idea."
"I didn't take pictures often." Jay shrugs. "And I didn't tell anyone on purpose. At least not anyone here. So, I guess...you're the first to know."
"So, you're telling me I'm in the presence of a big shot? A famous person? A celebrity? A legend, even?"
Jay scoffs and shoves Heeseung playfully. His cheeks are burning, however, and that's what makes Heeseung like teasing him. "Shut up."
"I'm serious, though!" Heeseung exclaims. "That's amazing. Sucks the world turned out this way and took from you what you worked so hard for. I would have supported you if I knew you, too."
Jay smiles. Bashful. "Thank you." He fidgets with his fingers and looks down at his lap when he starts saying his next words. "So... Yeah. I used to sing, so I—um... I... I wanted to sing for you," Jay admits. His face has gotten pinker.
"You probably don't even remember saying it, but you told me one thing you really missed before the apocalypse was listening to music. And we haven't—I mean—when is the last time we ever stumbled upon a modern electronic device that still worked? Or a vinyl record shop? So, I thought—I don't know. I thought... I wanted to make a playlist for you. You know. The old way. On cassette. Like they used to in the super old days. Since we've found plenty of those antiques. But we don't have anything to play any songs from right now, obviously. So, I—I decided to just...recreate songs myself. Record me singing and playing the guitar since we have a record player. For you—for you to listen to. Some of your favourite songs. Some of mine. Songs you might like the lyrics of. Songs that reminded me of you. So, I—I've been...creating music sheets for songs and recording songs that way. During my night duty." Jay clears his throat as he picks up his notebook from the grass, making a point not to look at Heeseung.
"Jay, you... Wow. I don't—" Heeseung laughs softly, out of disbelief. His face heats. He's certain he's also blushing now. "I don't know what to say. I... Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me like that. No one—no one's ever done something like that for me before."
"Of course. I just—I hope—um... I just hoped you didn't think I was...being too dramatic or anything. I wanted it to be special. But I didn't want you to think I was being over the top. It's not—is it too much? Fuck, it probably is. I'm sorry—"
"No!" Heeseung exclaims. "No, not at all, Jay. It's—it's a beautiful notion, Jay. I—I'm seriously—wow. I'm just—I'm so moved. You've got me speechless. I'm—I'm happy, really. Honoured, even. I do feel special. Very special." Heeseung reaches over Jay's lap and grabs his free hand. Then he brings the back of Jay's hand to his lips and presses a light kiss on it. He continues to carry Jay's hand as he holds Jay's gaze with a fond smile, face flushed. "Thank you."
Jay's eyes flutter, blinking repeatedly as he looks at Heeseung and then away several times. "Dude—Heeseung—you can't just keep—" Jay cuts himself off with a disoriented laugh and darkened red cheeks.
Heeseung squeezes his hand but doesn't let go. "What was the song you were practicing? Before I interrupted you."
Jay's mouth opens and then closes. "Um." He licks his lips. "You know Ed Sheeran?"
"Yeah, of course. The legend himself. You think he's still alive?"
Jay laughs softly. "If he's still alive, there's bigger hope for the rest of us."
"Hey, you're alive. I think that counts, too."
Jay smiles. "It's a song by Ed Sheeran. It's called "Fall" and it—it's one of the songs that...reminded me of you." Belated, but he squeezes Heeseung's hand back. "The music sheet for it is finished, but I'm still practicing it to work out the kinks and stuff before officially recording it."
"How many songs have you recorded already?"
"That's—um. That's a secret."
Heeseung laughs brightly. "Oh, now we're keeping secrets? After everything you just told me?"
Jay pulls his hand from Heeseung's grip and shoves him. "Shut the fuck up."
Heeseung laughs again. "Play it for me?"
"Right now?"
"Yeah. You were practicing, right? I wanna' hear."
"Ah. Um. Well. Sure. But. Maybe not this song—"
"Eh? Why not?"
"Oh. Well. This one—it's... It's special."
"All the more reason I should hear it played live, no?"
"You're not wrong..." Jay mumbles offhandedly as he looks off to the side and kicks at the dirt beneath his boots.
Heeseung chuckles. "It's okay if you don't want to, Jay. I'm happy to hear anything from you."
Jay shakes his head. "No, it's not that. I want to play it for you. I'm just—I don't—I don't know if I'm... I'm not sure if I'm ready for you to hear me play it."
Heeseung smiles fondly. He leans into Jay's space and knocks his shoulder against him. "It's just me, yeah? There's no reason to be nervous."
Jay rolls his eyes, albeit playfully. "I haven't played in front of anyone in almost a decade. Of course, I'm going to be nervous."
"Jay, we've known each other for a year and some now. We get undressed and dressed in front of each other all the time. I've literally had your dick in my fucking mouth—"
"Hey!" Jay exclaims, reaching over to slap the palm of his hand over Heeseung's mouth. His entire face is bright red now. "I get your point!"
Heeseung grins cheekily as he removes Jay's hand from his face and intertwines their fingers together instead.
They're both blushing now, but he doesn't mind it. He likes this type of intimacy. It feels like they're moving another step forward into...whatever it is that they have going on. Not exactly platonic, but not one hundred percent romantic either. It sits somewhere in the middle—resembling something like a courting period. They push and pull at each other, not knowing what will happen but ready to take the leap at any moment. The thrill excites him, and he hopes Jay feels the same.
Jay clears his throat as he squeezes their fingers. "I'll—uh... I'll play it," he says quietly.
Heeseung smiles. "Take your time, Jay. It stops for us when it's just you and me."
"I—" Jay shakes his head in disbelief. A bit shy. Embarrassed. Heat floods his face once again. "How do you just say these things?" He whispers.
Heeseung shrugs. "I'm compelled because of you." Then he also blushes. Because, shit. Yeah, Jay's right. Why does he say these things?
Jay looks at him, and they stare at one another in silence. And he doesn't even feel awkward. Heeseung loves looking at him like this. Gazing into his eyes and trying to decipher the galaxies behind them. Jay is so beautiful to him. How could he not appreciate his nature?
"I've never met anyone like you before," Jay suddenly says, voice soft and quiet like he's telling a secret.
Heeseung raises a brow, slightly smiling. "Yeah?"
Jay nods, sitting up and slipping his hand from Heeseung's hand to pick up his notebook again.
"I suppose that's a positive thing?"
"You're very charming. Super charismatic. Everyone likes you."
Heeseung's heart skips a beat before he even says his next words. "Do you—do you like me?"
Jay laughs, small and a bit incredulous. "Do I like you?" Jay echoes aloud as he pulls the mini table in front of him closer and places his open notebook on it.
"I mean—yeah, I would—" His voice cracks. He feels his neck and ears go warm. "...I would hope so."
Jay glances at him and then shakes his head. "Of course, I like you, Heeseung."
Heeseung doesn't know why, but the words make his heart flutter. He clears his throat and leans back on his chair. "Good," he replies hoarsely, feeling the familiar heat of a flush make its way down his neck and across his chest. "I—I like you, too."
Jay bows his head, smiling shyly. And Heeseung finds it's one of his favourite expressions on Jay. He simply looks stunning with his half-lidded eyes that show his long eyelashes and large dimples that resemble craters on the moon.
"Sorry, I'll—let me shut up now and let you play."
With that, Jay inhales and exhales deeply once. And starts strumming his guitar. The beat is soft and airy, like he's being careful and cautious with how he intends to express the song. But once he starts singing, that's when everything truly comes alive.
"You and I... Two of a mind. This love's one of a kind."
Heeseung hasn't heard him sing before, so he doesn't know what to expect. Hell, Jay could have actually not known how to sing. He could have been bluffing. But Heeseung believed him. And by God was he so grateful that he did. Because Jay's voice—
Little angel in disguise.
"You and I... We're drifting...over the edge."
Jay sings the words with conviction. With thoughtfulness. With sincerity. Sings the lyrics like he truly understands what is leaving his mouth and believes in them wholeheartedly. It pokes at Heeseung's heart. Does something to him he can't really explain.
"And I will fall for you... And I will fall for you... And if I fall for you...would you fall, too?"
The way Jay sings the verses makes him consider what's being sung. If Jay's singing like he means it...does that mean he's falling for Heeseung? Do they both feel the same about each other?
"You and I... Learning to speak with kisses on cheeks."
Heeseung finally looks over to Jay and—wow. He's—it's a breathtaking sight. To see what Jay looks like when he's in his element. When he's truly focused, and is after one thing and one thing only. He seems so relaxed. Calm. Diligent. Like he's right where he belongs. Heeseung suddenly feels so grateful to be able to see this side of Jay.
"You and I... We're lifted...over the edge."
After Jay finishes this verse, he reaches out in front of him and turns the page in his notebook. Heeseung didn't even realize he was reading from the music sheets he mentioned earlier. He said he had already finished arranging the song, which means he knew it by heart already. But he chose to read from his sheets anyway, so it would be one hundred percent authentic. The realization makes Heeseung's heart do multiple flips.
"And I will fall for you... And I will fall for you... If I fall for you...would you fall, too?"
Heeseung is looking at Jay when he sings this verse. And at the end of it, Jay suddenly looks his way and returns his gaze. They stare directly at each other as Jay slides into the next lines.
"I will fall for you... And I will fall for you... And if I fall for you...would you fall, too?"
There's something in Jay's eyes. Heeseung can see it. He isn't sure what. But it's there. Jay is trying to communicate with him—trying to tell him something. His expression is so raw. So bare. But he can't read it. At least—not yet. Not right now.
"Would you fall, too?" His tone gets softer and quieter as he repeats the line. And it weirdly makes Heeseung feel like Jay is...genuinely asking him. "Would you fall, too? Would you fall, too?"
If Heeseung is reading things correctly and not overthinking it, is Jay asking him if he's ready to make their next move? Is Heeseung falling for Jay like Jay is falling for him? Does Jay believe they have a chance at having a solid relationship?
"Would you fall, too?"
The strumming stops. Jay's voice fades. The song ends.
And Heeseung—
He's full.
He's so full of—of some type of emotion he can't name. He has no idea what he's feeling, but he's so full of it that he can feel it rumbling in the pit of his belly and rising in his esophagus like it's trying to simultaneously burst out of him and suffocate him.
The air is charged. A little tense. Like both of them are waiting for the other to say something first. But Heeseung's not waiting for Jay to speak. He just doesn't know what to say yet. His brain is still processing the moment.
Regardless, Jay beats him to it.
"So... Uh. Yeah. That was—that was "Fall" by Ed Sheeran." Jay sets his guitar down by his side and clasps his hands together in his lap, pointedly not looking at Heeseung. "I—um—I hope—I hope you liked my rendition of it. Since I'm pulling the majourity of these out of my ass, they might not sound anything like the original—"
Heeseung reaches over to Jay and settles one of his hands atop Jay's. "It was perfect, Jay."
"Ah—" Jay blushes. Then clears his throat. He takes a tiny glance at Heeseung and then at Heeseung's hand on his. "You really mean that? You're not just saying that so you can get in my pants again, right?"
It's Heeseung's turn to blush. But he shakes his head. "Of course, not, Jay. Who do you take me for?" Heeseung brings his hand to the side of Jay's face and cups his jaw before gently lifting Jay's head and turning his face to make Jay look at him. "It was truly beautiful, Jay. You have a way of making everything you touch turn more beautiful than it already was. That's a rare natural talent. I can see why you rose to fame so quickly as a culinary artist. You have the true golden touch."
Jay scoffs, flicking his gaze away from Heeseung's. "You're being dramatic. It wasn't—it wasn't all that."
Heeseung shakes his head. "You're way too humble, Jay. Please, have more confidence in your skill set. I mean—you're literally recreating entire songs from just memory right now. And writing music sheets with no references. Who on Earth could do something like that so easily as you are?"
"I just—I've always been like this. It doesn't—it doesn't feel special to me since it's all I've known."
"Well, I'm here to tell you now that you're one of a kind, Jay." Heeseung smiles and caresses Jay's cheek with his thumb. "I bet if you didn't become a world-renowned chef, you would have been a legendary rockstar."
Jay rolls his eyes, but the flush is still sitting high on his cheekbones. "Alright, now you're just pulling my leg. Stop it," Jay rasps, turning away from Heeseung and causing his hand to fall from Jay's face.
Heeseung frowns. "I'm not. I swear. What do I have to do to convince you I really mean what I'm saying?"
Jay looks down at his lap. "I don't—I don't know. It's just—it's weird. No one's ever—people never told me things like this. So, I don't know... I don't know what to think."
It's silent for a moment.
"Can I ask you a question?" Heeseung asks suddenly.
Jay gives Heeseung a quick glance and then laughs under his breath when he finds that he's serious. "Sure, Heeseung."
"Why did you say this song reminded you of me?"
Several seconds pass before Jay admits quietly, "I felt like the lyrics resonated with me—with us. They're straightforward and they...they're kind of the same as the thoughts I've been having lately."
"Is that why you felt nervous about performing it for me?"
Jay nods. "Yes. Because it's... It's a confession."
Heeseung's eyebrows rise. His heart starts racing. Because is it really as he thinks? Was Jay...confirming that he likes Heeseung?
"A confession?" Asks Heeseung.
"When I said it reminded me of you, I thought you'd...connect the dots as to why I said that."
"I—I did. That's why I asked. Because—I didn't want to assume. That would be pretty arrogant of me."
They're both blushing again now. Jay is picking at the threads around the hole in his jeans at his knee. Heeseung rubs the nape of his neck. The air is dense again, but this time, it's with eagerness. Anticipation.
"I don't really care about putting a name to it," Jay suddenly says, the tone of his voice stable yet unsure all the same. "But I would... I'd like to know if we're on the same page. If we both—if we both—"
"Have the same attraction for each other?"
Jay chuckles. "You could put it that way, yeah."
With no warning or thought in his brain, working on pure impulse and instinct, Heeseung takes hold of Jay's face, leans over, and kisses him. Quick, direct, and straight to the point. He doesn't give Jay a chance to respond to the kiss and pulls back seconds later.
"Does that answer your question?" He asks, breathless.
Feeling dizzy and dazed, Jay nods. "Ye—yes. Yes. It does," he replies, also breathless. A second passes before he stutters next, "Can—can we—? Again—"
Heeseung's lips are on Jay's mouth again before Jay can even get the proper words out.