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Harry Potter woke up one morning to find that not all was as it should be. Again. Neither of his boyfriends were lying on top of him and clinging onto his arms. Nor were they anywhere to be found in the Head Boy's suite, where they now stayed once Draco had gotten the position. Getting a bad feeling about this, he stretched over to the bedside table for the Marauder's Map. Then he reached for his glasses after wondering why everything was fuzzy. When he finally saw their names together in a familiar room in a distant part of the castle alongside Lord Voldemort, he was pissed.
"Oi!" he yelled, slamming the door open and storming into the tearoom, "What the hell are you doing?!"
Voldemort looked up from where he was pouring tea from his favourite blue willow china teapot, "Having tea, like we always do on Tuesdays. Why?"
"Why wasn't I invited?!"
Draco looked up from where he was spooning Ron on the love bench Voldy had set up for them, "Please Harry, can you not speak in Parseltongue? I want to hear your snakey conversations!"
Ron nodded, eating a crumpet.
"Oh. Sorry," Harry yelled normally this time. "I just want to know why I wasn't invited!"
"Well…" For once Voldy actually looked sadder than usual. He didn't add as much sugar in his tea. "I actually had a question I wanted to ask your boyfriends."
"They are my boyfriends not yours!" Harry stomped to the love bench and began smooching his boyfriends possessively. "You can't have them!"
"Noooo noooo!" Voldemort waved his hands. "I don't want your boyfriends!"
Harry scowled mid smooch, "Why? They're perfect!"
Draco snogged him back, "And you're perfect too dearest."
"Just sit down and listen to him," Ron patted his boyfriend's back. "It's important."
Harry sat down on Ron's lap (they had finished spooning now) to listen to Voldy. Draco gave him a cup of tea.
"Well you see, it's about dear Gildy," Voldy moaned with his head in the tea cosy. "I want to marry him and don't know how to do it!"
"Have you asked him yet?" Harry asked, stroking Draco's smooth fingers.
"No!" Voldemort wailed. "He's been running away from me recently. I can't even talk to him anymore and I feel really lonely!"
"Oh dear," Draco hugged Voldy in sympathy. "That's terrible. But have you tried
"I'm too scared! What if he says no! I don't think I can take it."
"He won't." Ron promised while patting Harry's arm. "He loves you. Just as much as we love each other."
Ron, Harry, and Draco beamed at each other and began to snog once more.
"But why did you need my boyfriends and not me?" Harry asked once he regained his breath.
Draco spoke up, "Well actually we wanted to propose to you too."
"Hey!" Ron pouted. "I was going to tell him!"
Harry didn't care, "You want to marry me?"
"Yes!" Ron and Draco said at the same time, kissing each of Harry's cheeks.
"Okay sure!" An idea shot into Harry's head. "Let's get married right now!" He looked at Voldemort, who was crying quiet tears of happiness at the beautiful sight. "I think we can solve your problem!"
"Huh?!" Voldemort blew his nose on the pink tea cosy. "How can you do that!"
Draco looked into his boyfriend's eyes and understood immediately. "If we show Professor Lockheart just how romantic it is at a wedding, I am sure he will want to marry you!"
"Yes!" Ron beamed. "Let's have the best wedding ever so he feels like he wants one too. Then all you need to do is ask him to marry you and he will say yes!"
"Oh goody!" Voldemort clapped his hands. "I'll get my Death Eaters to start planning the wedding now!"
And so it was that a few hours later Harry, Ron, and Draco were dressed in perfect white tuxedo robes standing at the end of the aisle. The room of requirement had turned itself into a beautiful beach side veranda with perfect white sand and crystal blue ocean lapping at the beach. Hermione and her girlfriend Pansy Parkinson had decorated the entire veranda with yellow daffodils and colorful crocus buds that were enchanted to smell of every person's favourite thing. Dobby was officiating, having become an ordained minister so he could marry his old master Lucius Malfoy to Severus Snape, and his boyfriend Dumbledore stood next to him. Even Bellatrix Lestrange had made the 17 tier wedding cake with her platonic partner Minerva McGonagall, which was pure white with blue piping like chinaware going along the sides.
Voldemort was sitting in the front row next to Gilderoy Lockheart. Voldemort looked really handsome in a yellow Hawaiian top and black pants, and Lockheart looked equally gorgeous in matching yellow dress robes. He seemed really excited to be there, but never quite looked at Voldemort properly, which made Voldy duck his head in disappointment. But he couldn't stay sad for long as the wedding ceremony itself started.
Once everyone was ready, the boys began walking down the aisle while Luna and Millicent Bulstrode sang the wedding tune, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham! (Draco's favourite song). Everyone was crying at such a display of perfect joy, and even Harry had to wipe his eyes behind his glasses once or twice. When they got to the end of the aisle, Dobby motioned for the crowd to be seated.
"We are gathered here today," said Dobby seriously, "To join together this man, and this man, and this man, in holy matrimony." He turned to Harry, "Do you, Mister Harry James Potter, take Misters Draco Lucius Malfoy and Ronald Bilius Weasley to be your husbands?"
"Yes!" Harry screamed. "I do! I love them with every part of my body!"
Ron and Draco looked at him lovingly.
Dobby nodded solemnly, then asked Draco and Ron the same question. They agreed with equal amounts of joy and happiness.
"Then I pronounce you all husbands," Dobby gave a grand gesture with his hand. "You may kiss the husbands."
Harry, Ron, and Draco launched themselves at each other, passionately snogging each other so hard that they forgot that there were people watching them. When they surfaced for air, teary smiles on their faces, they looked more excited than ever.
"Wow," cried Voldemort, wiping away a sparkling crystal tear, "I never knew marriage could be so beautiful. Isn't that right, dear?" He rested his head against Gilderoy's shoulder, only for his boyfriend to jump practically a foot in the air.
"That's it!" Voldemort stomped his foot, tears once again running from his eyes, "What on earth is going on here?! I love you so much Gildy, why oh why are you continuing to ignore me like this? Is it because I used to be the Dark Lord, since you must know that I've changed! I am no longer the horrid man I once was! So please!" He knelt on the ground, taking both of Gilderoy's hands within his own, "Tell me what I must do to make you love me again! I'm begging you!"
Gilderoy's eyes began to glisten, "Oh Voldy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you so much. I love you to the moon and back. I've been keeping a secret from you, because I didn't really know how to tell you or how you would react." He looked up at his love from beneath moist eyelashes, "Can you ever forgive me."
"Darling of course!" Voldemort threw his arms around his beloved, only for Gilderoy to push back with a teasing smile.
"I'm afraid you can't do that any more my dear." Gilderoy touched a gentle hand to his stomach. "It might disturb our child."
Everybody gasped.
"That's right." Gilderoy nodded tearfully, reaching for Voldemort to touch his belly. "I'm pregnant with our baby. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but I was so scared you would hate me."
"I could never!" Voldemort wept as he cradled his head on Gilderoy's lap. "I'm the sorry one. I was upset because I thought that you had grown tired of me, but I can now tell that we were both foolish. Gildy!" He looked up at his boyfriend's teary face, "Will you marry me?"
"Yes!" Gilderoy screeched. "Yes yes yes and yes! I will marry you, you beautiful and gorgeous man!"
They snogged, tongues battling for dominance so rapidly that it was impossible to tell who was winning.
"I know!" Ron cried. "You can get married now! We have all this stuff ready, so why not just go ahead and do it!"
"That's a wonderful idea!" Voldemort clapped his hands. "In fact, anyone who wants to get married should just come up and do it with us! Let this be the best day of love in Hogwarts' history!"
That was exactly what happened. Harry, Ron, and Draco looked on proudly as first Voldemort and Gilderoy got married, then Luna and Millicent, then Dean and Seamus, then Mrs Norris and the Giant Squid (Sirius had to translate their vows for them), then Hagrid and Norbert. The list went on and on and on until Dobby was so tired Dumbledore insisted that his husband couldn't marry anyone else, and then they partied on merrily into the night.
And they all lived happily ever after.