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Sailing on a makeshift raft from the US to France was Lucy's idea. The gang was broke, having accidentally spent the majority of their money on artisanal cheese knives. Scraping together the remainder of their cash resulted in just enough money for a stack of boards, barrels, and a single tarp. It was after both their oars got eaten by great white sharks that Lucy began to doubt the solidity of their plan.
‘Well, we're screwed,’ Lucy said, sitting cross legged at the front of the raft. ‘Now we’ll never get to France to sell all those cheese knives.’
‘I told you this wasn't a good idea. I told you we should've just stayed at home today,’ Julien grumbled. ‘But no , we had to entertain your insatiable wanderlust.’
Phoebe was hunched up, arms wrapped around her knees as she gently rocked herself back and forth.
‘Northbound. Esoteric. Violet.’
‘...What?’ Lucy said.
‘Ah, she's fucked up on ocean water,’ Julien grumbled. ‘She's been gulping the stuff down like a big blonde fish and now she's crazy.’
‘Eastbound. Recreational,’ Phoebe muttered, shaking her head side to side.
‘Christ,’ Lucy hummed. ‘Well, we've been sailing for about twenty minutes. We've gotta be close to land, right?’
‘Nothing on the horizon yet,’ Julien said, looking through her spyglass.
‘Gourmet. Octagon.’
‘How about we play a game?’ Lucy suggested, patting her knees enthusiastically.
‘No,’ Phoebe said.
‘Oh, are you okay now?’ Julien asked.
‘Northbound. Agitator. Gouda.’
‘Ah, shit,’ Julien sighed. ‘Fine, what game?’
‘Hmm,’ Lucy huffed. ‘Let’s play I Spy.’
‘Okay, you go first.’
‘I spy with my little eye… something beginning with W.’
‘Water.’
‘Aw, man.’
They floated on for a while; Lucy sulking by the foot of the raft, Julien looking through her spyglass, and Phoebe gulping down a few more handfuls of seawater. Lucy wondered if they sat like that for long enough maybe they’d eventually reach France.
‘Incantation. Vox. Earshot.’
‘We should probably try and stop her from drinking more seawater,’ Julien mumbled.
‘Yes,’ Phoebe said. ‘Oarfish.’
‘Oarfish?’ Lucy said, turning around.
‘Underneath,’ Phoebe said.
The raft violently shook and tipped from side to side. Lucy screamed, tumbling into the centre of the raft. She frantically grabbed for Julien at the sail-barren mast, and Phoebe toppled backwards into their reaches. As they clung together, the raft continued to bump and shake. Lucy feared that the sharks had come back to take the rest of their raft.
‘I love you guys,’ Julien cried against Lucy’s chest.
‘I love you too, JB,’ Lucy whimpered back.
‘Uh huh,’ Phoebe said.
The raft tipped to one side before slamming back down against the water surface, jostling the crew members above. At the foot of the raft, the water began to bubble and ripple, until finally a gleaming silver fish as long as a kayak emerged from the depths and peered up at them.
‘Helloooo,’ said the fish.
‘FUCK,’ Lucy and Julien screamed in unison.
‘What?!’ the fish exclaimed.
‘You’re talking ,’ Lucy said in disbelief.
‘Well, yes! All oarfish can talk,’ said the oarfish. ‘But nobody ever starts the conversation.’
‘Did we drink seawater?’ Julien said, eyes wide as she stared at the oarfish. ‘Phoebe, did you somehow slip us a shit ton of seawater?’
‘Phoebe,’ said Phoebe.
‘What are you folks doing out here anyway?’ the oarfish asked.
‘We’re going to France. We were going to France,’ Lucy said. ‘Our band is in some insane debt. We were gonna go there by raft to sell our artisanal cheese knife collection.’
‘Ah, that sounds extremely doable,’ said the oarfish, nodding approvingly.
‘I told you,’ Lucy muttered to Julien.
‘Nightwing. Evangelical. Veronica,’ Phoebe said.
‘Mister oarfish, our friend here is sick. We need to get to dry land, and soon,’ Lucy said, leaning over the edge of the raft. ‘We don’t have any oars. And, well, you’re an oarfish. Can you help us?’
‘I see your predicament,’ said the oarfish. ‘Climb on my long and beautiful back. I will take you to France.’
The oarfish wriggled its body like a big fuckin snake.
‘What do you think?’ Lucy said, turning to Julien and Phoebe. ‘This could be our only chance of survival.’
‘Eh,’ Phoebe shrugged. ‘Rigatoni.’
‘I’m in,’ Julien said, ‘I can't stand this raft any longer.’
The three of them climbed upon the long and beautiful oarfish’s back, with Julien clutching their bag of cheese knives to her chest.
‘To France!’ said the oarfish, and began to swim with the speed of a thing that was very fast and very beautiful.
‘Woah!’ Lucy laughed, ‘We’ll be there in no time!’
Onwards they swam atop the oarfish's back, the salty sea spray stinging their skin. And I bet you can't say that ten times fast. Did you try? Will you try for me? Good. Good job.
‘Land ho!’ Julien said, peering through her spyglass at a stretch of land that was quickly arising from the endless sea.
‘I don't like being called that,’ the oarfish frowned.
‘Guache. Organic,’ Phoebe said. ‘Northbound.’
‘Welcome to France!’ the oarfish said as he came to a stop near the shallow waters surrounding the new island.
Lucy, Phoebe, and Julien climbed off of the oarfish's long and beautiful body and waded through the water till they reached the sand. Julien tossed their cheese knives aside and fell to her knees on the dry ground.
‘Thank you, God, thank you,’ Julien chanted.
‘This doesn't look like France,’ Lucy said, looking at the sandy expanse.
‘Of course it is France. Look yonder at the wooden sign which clearly states the name of this place.’
The three band members looked to where the oarfish was nodding his big silver fish head. A small picket sign jutted out from the sand. Frantse , it read.
‘Huh,’ Lucy hummed.
‘Nocturnal. Abercrombie,’ Phoebe said.
‘France sure is full of jungle,’ Julien observed, standing next to Lucy and staring out at the lush foliage that grew in the centre of the island.
‘Very well spotted,’ said the oarfish, who was still here.
Julien turned back towards the oarfish. It looked different all of sudden. It's big fish face was suddenly… particularly evil looking now.
‘This isn't France, you fucking freak!’ Julien yelled.
‘Oh my god, where are we?!’ Lucy said.
‘You fools!!!!!!!!’ said the oarfish. It whipped it's long (and beautiful) tail across the picket sign, and revealed that the word Frantse was actually written on a piece of paper, which fell away to reveal the actual message carved into the wood:
‘EVIL OARFISH ISLAND?!’ exclaimed the boygeniuses together.
The oarfish dipped it's head into the water and then rose back up. It was wearing a big handlebar moustache now.
‘Oh god, he is evil!’ Lucy gasped.
‘And I'm gay!’ said the oarfish evilly.
‘Gay,’ said Phoebe.
‘Oh Jesus,’ Julien trembled. 'Gay. Evil and gay.'
‘I’ve trapped you here on my evil island! And the only way I will let you escape is if you can defeat me in battle!’ the oarfish bellowed.
‘Fuck,’ said Lucy.
‘Shit,’ said Julien.
‘Oh,’ said Phoebe. ‘Nooo. No! AAAAA.’
The oarfish rose out of the water, now as long (and as beautiful) as a bus. It looked like a big silvery slimey serpent. Can you say that ten times fast? You'll try for me, won't you? I know you will. Idiot.
‘The knives!’ Lucy exclaimed, ‘Everyone grab a bunch of cheese knives!’
The gang scrambled to fish (aha fish) a cheese knife out of their collection. Lucy brandished it towards the giant oarfish, with Julien at the ready beside her and Phoebe holding two knives behind them.
‘Your fancy artisanal cheese knives are no match for my fury!’ the oarfish said.
The oarfish swiped it's tail across Julien's hand and she was disarmed of her knife. But she grabbed another from her back pocket and pointed it at the oarfish again. The oarfish swiped it's tail. Julien dropped the knife and retrieved a new one. The oarfish swiped it's tail. Julien dropped the new knife and yanked a new one from her boot. The oarfish—
Lucy stabbed her own cheese knife into the oarfish's tail and it reeled back with a mighty howl.
‘Loser!’ Phoebe yelled. ‘Evil! Terror!’
‘I seriously cannot tell if the seawater is still affecting you or not,’ Lucy said.
‘Yeah,’ Phoebe said. ‘Oh!’ she yelped as the oarfish swiped it's now bleeding tail across her face. ‘Ughh,’ Phoebe groaned, holding her cheek.
‘You’ll have to try harder than that!’ the oarfish said.
‘Dick!’ Phoebe spat. ‘Oh!’ she said as the oarfish slapped her again.
‘You piece of shit!’ Lucy yelled and pounced on the oarfish's tail.
The oarfish lifted it's tail and thrashed Lucy about, splashing huge waves of seawater onto Phoebe and Julien on the island. Lucy held on for dear life, screaming as she emerged from the water over and over again.
‘What do we do?!’ Julien panicked.
‘Windmill. Nipple. Napoleon.’
‘Phoebe, come on! We gotta think of something before that evil oarfish drowns Lucy!’ Julien pleaded.
‘Em,’ Phoebe hummed.
‘Think! Brainstorm with me here!’ Julien said.
‘Vice. Esoteric. Rorschach. Gun.’
‘Gun! If we had a gun we could kill that guy. Maybe we can fashion a gun out of all the knives somehow. No, that's stupid. Really improbable in the grand scheme of things. Fuck, what to do!’
‘Overlook. Nightly. Nostalgia. Ah!’ Phoebe said and presented Julien with a gun. A gun made out of knives.
‘What the hell?’ Julien mumbled, taking the weapon from Phoebe. ‘How'd you make that so fast?’
‘Racecar.’
‘What?’ Julien said.
‘Unimportant,’ Phoebe said.
Phoebe handed Julien the gun made of knives and Julien tried to figure out how the hell it worked.
‘Oh God! Jesus! Fuck!’ Lucy cried, still being thrashed about by the giant oarfish.
Julien clicked a button on the gun made of knives and it started playing the chorus of Fireflies by Owl City. Julien raised an eyebrow and looked at Phoebe.
‘Why is it doing that? Is it supposed to?
‘No,’ said Phoebe. ‘Aghh.'
‘Phoebe this is urgent, how the hell do I use this thing?’ Julien said.
‘Okay. Uhh…’ Phoebe said, taking the gun made of knives and aiming it at the sand. She fiddled with a few handles and pushed down on a blade or two. ‘No...’
‘Phoebe!’ Julien groaned.
‘Don’t!'
‘Don't what- rush you?! I have to fucking rush you!’
‘Aghhh!!!’
‘Can one of you please use the gun already?!’ Lucy yelled.
Julien grabbed the gun from Phoebe and threw it towards the oarfish, who then exploded on impact.
When the smoke cleared, Lucy was dragging herself ashore and coughing onto the sand.
‘Nice’ Phoebe exclaimed.
‘Lucy! Oh Lucy! You're alive!’ Julien said, rushing over to help her up.
‘That hurt. That hurt a lot,’ Lucy wheezed, shakily standing up. ‘That thing rearranged my guts. And not in a good way.’
‘Damn,’ Phoebe said. ‘Damnnn.’
‘Well, what do we do now? We're stranded here,’ Julien sulked.
‘I’ll tell you what you can do!’ came a voice from the ocean. The long and beautiful oarfish slithered out of the water and was now the size of a little bitch worm like so tiny.
‘Ew,’ Phoebe said.
‘You did it!’ said the oarfish. ‘You fought well. But you exploded most of my body away so now I can't take you away from here. Which is what I was gonna do.’
‘ What?! ’ said Lucy and Julien together.
‘Shit,’ said Phoebe, and began to walk into the jungle.
‘But wait!’ said the tiny oarfish. ‘I am capable of growing back to my original size. It will just take some time.’
‘Oh, uh, well that's good news I guess,’ Lucy said.
‘Yeah,’ said the tiny oarfish.
‘So. Exactly...’ Phoebe said.
‘Like, a couple hours,’ said the tiny oarfish.
‘Really?’ said Phoebe.
‘No, it'll take maybe two days,’ said the tiny oarfish.
‘Terrific,’ Phoebe said, and started to walk back into the jungle again.
‘Wait!’ said the tiny oarfish.
‘Yeah?’ said Phoebe, turning around.
‘I can do some cool tricks for you guys while you wait?’
‘Oh?’ said Phoebe.
The tiny oarfish began to do several mid-air backflips in the water, and the boys had to admit that it was the coolest fucking thing they had ever seen. Maybe ever.
‘I’m so glad we decided to do this,’ said Julien, watching the tiny oafish do it's crazy cool tricks. ‘Even if you almost perished, Lucy.’
‘Me too,’ said Lucy.
‘Uh-huh,’ said Phoebe.
And then the beautiful sunset came down on Evil Oarfish Island. And the tiny evil oarfish's tricks were sick as hell.
End .