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Jeremy
Jeremy had decided that if anything were to happen between them, it would be because Jean had made the first move. The three sickening words he hadn’t been able to forget for months wouldn’t allow for anything else.
He’d slipped up so many times though, that the little knot of guilty discomfort wouldn’t go away long enough to even be noticeable anymore. It resided within his ribs- right beside his mother’s disapproval and his brother’s silence.
It certainly didn’t help that the biggest comfort to this feeling, was also sometimes the biggest torment. He hadn’t allowed himself to touch Jean in the easy way that Laila and Cat, or any of his other teammates for that matter, did. They’d seemed to have found an easy and readily available physical camaraderie with the man that Jeremy couldn’t allow himself to hope for.
He knew it only worked for them because that was all they wanted from Jean. When they patted him on the shoulder, or tousled his hair, or kissed him on the cheek, that was all they wanted to do. All they wanted was to convey their friendship. And Jeremy, for all his flaws, wouldn't do himself the disservice of claiming that that was all he wanted too.
He knew his thoughts would wander to places he shouldn’t allow them to go. When Jean sat next to him, and he could feel the line of his body trace his own, all the way from his shoulder to his hip to his knee and down to his foot, he’d never felt more aware of his body. He’d never felt more aware of how badly he wanted to feel Jean against him just about everywhere else- every place that hadn’t felt his touch just waiting to be discovered and inhabited.
He wouldn’t ever be able to forget the way his heart had sped up, and how his brain had slowed down, at the mere sight of Jean standing between his legs, his beautiful face hovering just inches away from his own. He still dreamt of the look in his eyes, and the way that the necklace Renee had given him swung between their bodies. If he lay back in bed and closed his eyes, he could almost feel the dip in the mattress beside his head where Jean’s hand had rested.
Every time Jean grabbed his chin and then spoke the most easily misinterpretable words, Jeremy wanted to either close the distance between them, or run away screaming. But all he could do was stand there, stuck and yet hopeful that Jean would make the decision for him instead.
He’d almost made the decision himself the last time that’d happened. Fuck what I deserve. What about what I want? The lines had wiped his mind clean of every other word he’d ever known, to be filled instead with the pulsing joy that maybe Jean wanted him too.
Save of course, for those three words that would hold him back every time, without fail-
I didn’t ask.
______________________________
When Jean had eventually convinced himself that he deserved what he wanted, and kissed Jeremy with a simple “I want you”, Jeremy had experienced what he thought was the full spectrum of human emotion. He’d at first felt a ridiculous, elated, joyous triumph at the confirmation that he hadn’t been imagining Jean’s interest in him- a shock of happiness so complete, he couldn’t imagine it ever going away.
But of course it had. It was replaced, all too soon, with an all consuming guilt that maybe he had somehow manipulated Jean into this. Maybe he had come off too strong with his own signals and Jean was still doing only what was expected of him. That soon turned to anger and perhaps frustration at himself for having so easily dismissed all the time and work Jean had put into reframing how he thought about himself.
The self-doubt, and associated negativity, were all too familiar to Jeremy, and thus easy enough to ignore in favour of turning on a bright smile and focusing on Jean for the moment.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that”
Jean scoffed, “You have not been exactly subtle, Jeremy”. And God- the way he said his name made Jeremy want to drop to his knees expeditiously. He wouldn’t though.
For once in his life, Jeremy wanted to take things slow- they’d tip-toed around each other for months to get to this point. Jeremy would make sure he put the work in to deserve whatever else Jean was willing to give him.
“Oh? And you think you have been?” Jeremy watched as Jean’s lips turned up in a pleased half-smile, and couldn’t help but add, “I’m so proud of you for voicing what you want, Jean”
Jean’s eyes widened a little at that, in a way that made him seem surprised at himself when he admitted, “I want to kiss you again. Oui?” He leaned in closer then, waiting to see if Jeremy would close the gap this time.
Whatever Jean wanted, Jeremy would do anything to give. He leaned in, slowly, nearly breathing the words against Jean’s lips “Oui. Yes.”
And then Jean’s lips were against his again, and for the few blessed minutes they were thus connected, Jeremy wouldn’t experience a single coherent thought.
Jean kissed with delicate curiosity, his hands inching from their perch on Jeremy's waist to slide up his back, tugging him gently closer. Jeremy felt him gasp softly against his mouth as their bodies aligned with each other. He pushed his hand through Jean’s jet black curls and resisted the urge to tug him closer. He felt his own body come alive under Jean’s sure hands and couldn’t imagine wanting or feeling anything else.
Jean pulled him closer with more urgency, and Jeremy wanted to give him everything. He pulled away slightly and kissed his way up Jean’s perfect jawline. “Ask, Jean. I’ll give you anything you want”.
A weaker man would have taken the answering moan as a response. Jeremy waited patiently until Jean said, “More. S'il te plaît. Give me more, Jeremy”.
And Jeremy couldn’t think of a single reason not to anymore. He pulled Jean closer, slipping his thigh between his legs, as he clutched harder at the fabric of his t-shirt. They stumbled backwards and Jeremy felt the hard edge of the kitchen counter dig into his lower back. Jean groaned above him as the movement slotted them perfectly against each other, and dropped his forehead to Jeremy’s.
Jeremy couldn’t remember ever having felt so much before. He couldn’t muster the strength to even tilt his head up to kiss Jean, content with just breathing the same air as him and feeling the slight movement of his body against his own. One of Jean’s hands was now resting lightly against his neck and jaw, the other pressed between the counter edge and his lower back.
Jeremy didn’t know what to do with own hands- a feeling he definitely wasn’t used to. The very fact that this was happening at all hadn’t seemed to have fully registered yet, and he didn’t know what the rules were. All he knew was that he didn’t want to take any liberties he shouldn’t. He wouldn’t let himself be someone that hurt Jean, or God forbid, betrayed his trust in him.
His heart was beating harder now, and Jeremy concluded that it must be because of his proximity to Jean. He felt the other man clutch his jaw between his strong fingers the way he’d done so often and tilt his head up for him.
“Are you here with me, Jeremy?” he asked, eyes boring into his. “We do not need to do this”.
Jeremy only noticed then how hard he’d been grasping at Jean’s t-shirt, having wrung the fabric beneath his white knuckles. He forced himself to relax his hands and laughed softly, “Oh. No, I was just thinking of all the things I’ve wanted to do with you”.
Jean blinked and raised an unimpressed brow, like the answer was unsatisfactory. Jeremy couldn’t have that. He knew what it was like to have Jean’s satisfaction now and he wanted nothing more than to have it again. How could he be the one to pull away, when Jean had finally gotten comfortable enough with him to ask for this?
“I just- I don’t know how far I’m allowed to go- how much I’m allowed to want, now that this is really happening.”
Jean relaxed slightly at that and hummed in consideration. He let his thumb run along Jeremy’s cheekbone and effectively smoothed out whatever shame spiral he was about to slip down, and whispered, “Then just ask”, before he pressed a sweet kiss to his temple and leaned back.
It really was as simple as that, huh? If that was what Jeremy needed from Jean to make this work, it made sense that it would help the way around as well. He wasn’t used to this- just letting his partners decide what they would do was easier. He had letting his body go with the flow down to an art at this point. It wasn’t really about what he wanted anyway. Sex was just a release- from his frustrations, from his feelings, from his life. It was a means of both gaining control by spiting his family, and losing it by turning his mind off. But he knew it couldn’t be like that with Jean. Every touch was backed by a conscious desire, and every feeling was amplified by a thousand when he was near. He wanted this with every fibre of his being, and there was nowhere to hide.
Jeremy knew it wasn’t fair to Jean either, to shut his mind off and only focus on the physical, because this was anything but. He wanted to give him a good experience, one that he wanted and had asked for, and with a partner that cared for him. Jean trusted Jeremy to be that person. The last thing he would do would be to let him down.
______________________
They had made their way to the bedroom, and landed on Jean’s side of the room. One look from Jean was usually enough to melt his insides, but now with all the kissing, Jeremy all but spilled from Jean’s arms and onto his bed.
Both knew that they were far from even considering penetrative sex, but they had the afternoon to themselves for a while, and couldn’t think of a much better way to spend it than exploring this new development with each other. Jean found that he was fascinated by all the ways he could make Jeremy come undone beneath his fingers, and Jeremy seemed all too happy to be the object of his discoveries.
Jean joined him on the bed, leaning against the headboard, as Jeremy struggled to get his gelatine limbs to comply with his desire to end up on Jean’s lap. He’d finally succeeded, with some assistance, and stopped to take a moment to just look at the man in front of him. His eyes must’ve been saying something his mouth couldn’t, because Jean’s responding smile damn near caused his heart to combust.
He averted his eyes, so he wouldn’t actually tear up and ruin the moment, and instead focussed on tugging at the hem of Jean’s tee.
“Can I please take this off now?” he asked, shooting for playful and ending up somewhere south of breathless.
A corner of Jean’s mouth tilted up in an amused smile, as he shrugged and pulled the t-shirt off in one smooth motion, letting it land on the floor. Jeremy felt a familiar hungry tug in his gut, and for once couldn’t decide between wanting to be the consumer or the consumed.
“Now you?” Jean asked before his thoughts could wander too far.
Jeremy didn’t trust his voice not to crack, and simply lifted his arms in compliance. Jean looked at him with something like gratitude. His fingers brushed the top of Jeremy’s shorts as he pushed the tee up and slowly out of the way. Jeremy’s breath stuttered as he rested his palms against his torso, as if he couldn’t believe what he was feeling. Jean mirrored the hungry look in his eyes as his hands slipped higher.
His tee was drawn off and tossed somewhere behind him. Jeremy spared only a second to lament the loss of Jean’s hands on him, before he decided to return the favour.
“You’re so beautiful, Jean”, he said with reverence, “You shine like moonlight on water”. He skimmed his hands lightly across his abdomen, feeling the dips and rises of his form. He found himself wishing, not for the first time, that he was some good in pottery class.
Jeremy couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so genuinely fascinated by another person. He’d felt his fair share of washboard abs, and broad shoulders, and toned arms. He’d kissed and licked his way up and down a myriad of willing bodies. He’d been grabbed and manhandled, and slammed against walls (or vice versa). He’d experienced gentle caresses and soft words, and had considered himself, for all intents and purposes, experienced when it came to sex.
But here he was now, as unsure and wary as he’d been the first time he’d done this. He’d assumed he'd be the one to show Jean that sex didn’t have to be painful or cruel, or even just perfunctory. He’d been prepared to take things slow for Jean’s sake, to show him this could be beautiful and fun and good.
It was hitting him just then, as he felt Jean’s hands against his cheeks once more, that Jean was doing the same for him.
“Jeremy”, Jean said urgently, “Are you alright?” Neither was moving anymore. Jeremy raised his eyes to Jean’s, and realised that he couldn’t really see them through the thin film of water. He blinked desperately and felt Jean’s thumbs swipe the tears away.
“I’m sorry”, was all he could think to say through the overwhelm.
“What’s wrong?”
Jean sounded so concerned, Jeremy almost couldn’t bear it. How was he to explain to Jean that he, for all his experience and sexual liberation, had never actually felt anything like this before? That this mere act of being with someone that cared how he felt was so novel, he didn’t know what to do with it.
He felt bile rise in the back of his throat at the realisation that he was making this about himself. This was what he had been waiting for. This was what he had wanted for months. He had been wanting for Jean to feel comfortable enough in his own body and with his own desires to be able to realise that he deserved to have what he wanted. He had told Jean that he needed only to ask for what he wanted and Jeremy would give it to him.
He had asked. And Jeremy was unable to deliver.
“Nothing is wrong”, he said, tugging one of Jean’s hands to rest over his heart. “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me, Jean. I want this”
“Do not lie to me”. Jean shook his head reproachfully, “You’re crying.”
“I wouldn’t lie to you”, he said, taking a deep breath to clear his head. “I’ve only just realised that perhaps you’re not the only one here that is new to… this”. He didn’t have the words to convey what this meant to him, but hoped Jean would understand.
Jean must have understood then, because his eyes briefly flashed with something akin to anger. He looked away for a moment, but his hands never moved from their place on Jeremy’s body.
“I want to hold you. May I?” he asked, after a beat. He was looking at Jeremy now, soft but determined.
Jeremy had figured that the moment had passed, but hadn’t expected Jean to want to stay or comfort him. Perhaps he should have- Jean was one of the kindest people he knew. He didn’t deserve this, but couldn’t bring himself to refuse him again, and just nodded.
Jean adjusted them on the bed, so he was lying prone with his head against Jean’s chest. One of Jean’s hands was sifting through his hair, the other tracing invisible patterns on his back. He could feel the gentle rise and fall of his even breaths, and against all odds, seemed to be calming down. Jeremy didn’t want to think too hard about any of this, and tried to be satisfied with the static overtaking his thoughts.
“Jeremy?” he heard after a few minutes.
“Yes, Jean?”
“I will never want more from you than you are able to give.”
Jeremy felt the effect of those words like a heart attack. How dare Jean be the person they came from. How dare Jean be the one to see that those words were all he needed to hear, even if he couldn’t yet get himself to believe them.
Jean continued, almost like he wasn’t aware of the effect his words were having, “I know you haven’t allowed yourself to want good things. You do nothing for yourself. But please, don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m one of those people that does not respect you”
“Jean-”
“You are my Captain and my Partner. I respect you too much to want you to put aside your needs for mine. You will not do that again.” The last few words were spoken with unnegotiable finality.
Jeremy knew he was right, but it would take time to unlearn those patterns. After all, giving beyond his means was all he knew to do to repent. He didn’t know if he would ever be worthy of the people that loved him- all he knew was that he would spend his life trying to be. But maybe what they wanted from him wasn’t repentance, but healing.
“Yes, Jean.” he said, and the words were a promise.