Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He's knocking; she should throw this off right here, right now, and hide this, but she doesn't she keeps staring at the mirror. 

It's her in a skirt

For once in her life, she feels like she's okay..

More than okay, she's on cloud nine

She's wearing a skirt

She can't stop blushing as she does twirls in it

It's just a pink skirt she ordered off Amazon, but it makes her feel like she's the person she was meant to be.

A woman…

“Shinji-kun? Are you alright in there? You've been in the bathroom for a while now. I don't mean to rush you, but we need to head to our sync tests soon.” 

She's unceremoniously knocked out of her euphoria as she visibly recoils from hearing that name.

That stain

The stain she can't scrub out…

“C-coming” She stutters out as she hides the skirt into her backpack and opens the door.

-

She wants to tell him, but what if he thinks I'm a freak or leaves me… He's gay after all; why would he be with a woman..

She shakes her head at these thoughts.  Not right now. Shinko even calling herself that name in her head tends to calm her down. 

We have to focus on this sync test, and besides that, the skirt felt so nice to wear; she felt even for just a second like a girl, and that's all that keeps her going. She can do this!

She pushes the button on her plugsuit, and it quickly tightens her, revealing all the parts of her she despises..

I wish I could wear the female plugsuit. I still remember seeing myself in Asuka’s spare and almost crying at what I saw.

God, I want to cry, but Kaworu is also getting ready here too. Think happy, Shinko. Hehe. Shinko I'm Shinko, hehe, and I have a skirt. She giggles softly, putting her clothes into her locker.

Kaworu quirks his eyebrow, looking at her. “Something funny?”

Shinko stammers. “I, uh, just remembered a funny joke Toji told me…” 

“What was it?” He asks. 

Just as she was about to make up some random joke, the intercom creaks, “Boys what's taking so long in there? Come on!” 

It's Misato on the intercom, but her voice is muffled by the intercom.

“Coming!” They say in unison

-

Ritsuko opens up her manila folder that's on top of her metal clipboard. 

Kaworu and Shinko sit beside each other in the command center. 

They are in her office now in their regular civilian clothes.

The hustle and bustle of the command center is quieting down now it's very quiet serene even

Shinko squirms a little, which Kaworu notices, and wraps his arm around her.

A faint mist of red coats Shinko’s cheeks

Ritsuko walking to her chair clears her throat. “Boys, well done! You both have a higher sync rate today, especially you, Shinji; you've gone up ten points! Congratulations”

Shinko flinches a little at the name.  I really have to stop doing that. I need to act normal, at least in front of others. Come on, Shinko.

Kaworu eyes her, but Shinko doesn't notice. 

Shinko clears her throat. “T-thank you, Ritsuko.”

Kaworu squeezes her shoulder. “It's a great accomplishment, Shinji-kun.”

“Thank you, Kaworu.”

-

They are in the tram back to the surface. 

All that is heard is the rumbling of the tram.

The tram console buzzes as Kaworu and Shinko sit next to each other. 

Shinko and Kaworu both sit on the tram seats. 

Shinko stares intently at the black rubber on the hand guards to the seats.

“Shinji-kun, may I ask you something?” Kaworu turns his head next to Shinko.

She looks up and into his eyes. “Of course, Kaworu.”

He shifts in his seat and puts his hand to his chin. “You seem preoccupied today; is everything okay?” He looks at her with such affectionate eyes.

He suspects something is up? Does he know about the skirt? Oh god, is he trying to say he knows??

Calm down, Shinko; we can handle this, yeah...

“Y-yeah everything is fine, Kaworu.” She stumbles out.

“Alright just know I am here, love.” He gives her a warm smile as he places his arm around her shoulders.

“Thank you, Kaworu.” Her cheeks are painted a faint pink.

-

They are now walking back to Misato's apartment.

They walk side by side. It's a sunny day, but luckily not too hot, just that sweet spot. “By the way, you've been letting your hair grow longer. Do you want to get a haircut?”

“No!” She yells quickly, and immediately she knows that she shouldn't have said it that way, so she replies, “I, uh, think it's fine for now…”

They stopped because of her yelling. God, I'm so stupid…

Kaworu stares at her; his eyes drift to her long auburn hair. “It does look nice on you.”

“D-do you mean it?” Shinko’s voice cracks a little. 

He nods, “Yes, it looks quite beautiful actually.”

That faint pink develops into a darker shade; she blushes furiously.

Kaworu stands closer, smiling at her; his gaze doesn't leave her as she gazes into his eyes as they stand outside Misato’s apartment.

Chapter Text

Ever since that day of that synch test, things have been interesting…

Kaworu likes looking at me… Like, yeah, we're dating, but sometimes I catch him staring at me, observing me like he maybe knows something I don't, which I don't even know what he would know besides the skirt…

No, he wouldn't. I've hidden it well.

Haven't I?

He hasn't asked again about my hair and has even defended me from Asuka's comments. She was saying that if I kept my hair this long, she’d have to start calling me “Shin-chan,” which I know she was joking, but a part of me felt so euphoric that I blushed, but I think I hid it well, passing it off as I was offended, and then Kaworu came to my defense.

-

She was walking the long maze-like hallways of Nerv for a regular medical checkup as all pilots get from Ritsuko. Dr. Akagi's doctor's office is actually in another part of Nerv compared to her office in the command center. I still have no idea why they made it this way, maybe to confuse enemies?

She's walking down the long, winding hallway; it's so quiet except for the hum of what she assumes is the lights. 

She's stuck in thought. Stopping in the middle of the long sterile white hallway abruptly, her sneakers scuff the floor, but she doesn't pay it any mind. 

But besides that, it's just been quiet, but like, I don't know how to explain it. Like, there's this air between me and Kaworu. Of course, we still do partner stuff like kissing and stuff, but it feels like he's probing for something. 

And that has been itching at me from the back of my mind. What is he looking for? Is he going to break up with me?!

She slaps herself hard on her cheek. Calm down! Get a hold of yourself, Shinko. She immediately regrets slapping herself; she whines, rubbing at her red cheek 

“Shinji?” A voice makes her jump and squeal as she turns around to see Ritsuko at the end of the hallway waiting for her. “Are you alright?”

She quickly walks down the hallway to her office, red-faced, and stammers out, “Y-yes, s-sorry you had to see that…” 

She cocks her eyebrows clearly in thought and then motions with her hand to her open door, “Come in.”

Shinko walks into her office and sits onto an available chair as Ritsuko shuts the door.

“Are you alright, Shinji? You appeared distressed out there. You know you can speak to me about anything; I won't tell anyone—doctor-patient confidentiality, that sort of thing.” She puts her hands into her lab coat pockets as she leans against the wall.

“Well, um, I was just…. I am, um… I'm under a lot of stress, but it's not Eva or even Nerv-related; it's more…” 

“Does it have anything to do with Kaworu? You two are together, are you not?”

“Yes, we are together, I mean, and yes, it's about him… I'm just worried about our relationship a little…”

She sits down in her office chair and chews some gum since she can't smoke. “What kind? It seemed pretty bad if you were quietly muttering to yourself and slapped yourself.”

Oh god, she heard me muttering. I thought I was talking in my head. Jesus, Shinko. Get your head together. 

She straightens up from her hunching over in her chair; she shuffles her feet. “Well, I was just getting in my head about it. I'm probably overreacting…”

Ritsuko cocks her eyebrows, but then her face goes neutral. “Alright then. Oh yeah, I've been meaning to tell you that if you're going to keep your hair that long—not that I have anything against it; it looks quite nice—but maybe let a barber do it up for you. But what I was meaning to say—“ she chuckles—"is“ that your current plugsuit might not mesh well with your longer hair, as it's a men's plugsuit. Honestly, it's sort of complicated; I'm sure you don't want to hear the jargon, but what I'm trying to ask is if you want to keep this hairstyle, we'll give you a new plugsuit that's better fit for you."

Shinko wide-eyed squeals “L-like the female plugsuits?!” Her voice cracks. Shinko Why did you just—well, Ritsuko won't tell or even know why I did that, yeah…

Ritsuko looks at her studying her; she whispers, “That makes sense now, huh? How did I not see this...? She clears her throat. “Well, the plugsuit we’d give you would be a unisex one. Think of it like an androgynous plugsuit, neither specifically male nor female.”

Shinko deflated at the explanation. She stares down at the white tiled floor. “…I see.”

-

The checkup went as usual after the plugsuit news; she tried to remain unsuspicious after her whole outburst about the plugsuit. It's not going to be female, but at least it's androgynous. It still hurts, though. Why does it hurt? I got what I wanted, sorta…

She was walking back home to Misato’s apartment when she got to her door and saw a package, just a simple box addressed to her. She picks it up. Oh my god, this must be the dress and bra..

Shinko quickly grabs it and enters the apartment, scanning the small apartment. It's quiet. Misato must be asleep and looks like Asuka isn't home yet. 

She swiftly shuffles into her room, shutting the door as she puts the package on her bed gently as if it were a baby.

She looks around her room for a pen or something to open this without just tearing it open.

She spots the pen she's been using. It's a cute Hello Kitty pink pen; even though it's just a pen, she feels euphoric using it. It's the little things, she smiles as she walks back over to her bed. 

She's been trying to stealthily girl up in her room in recent weeks, like she bought some purple and pink pillow sheets again. It's the little things, as well as posters of anime she's been watching, that previously she was a bit afraid of displaying her interests in them like Sailor Moon, for instance.

She cuts the box open with her pen, putting it aside as she opens the box, revealing a basic black bra and a beautiful blue sundress with different shapes and patterns on it. It was quite cute. She laid both out on the bed.

She smiles as she undresses herself; luckily, it was quite warm today, not a lot of layers. She starts with the bra; she looked up videos beforehand on how to properly put one on so it slipped on without hassle. Pretty good for my first time, hehe. She shimmied into the blue sundress and walked over to her full-length mirror.

Her

Its her

It's really her 

She brings her hand up to her cheek; tears slowly fall down her cheek

I look like me

Shinko was in such a euphoric bliss she didn’t hear knocking and footsteps moving until she heard the voices…

Barely muffled by the wall, she hears:

“Hello, Ms. Misato. Is Shinji-kun here?”

“Ah Kaworu, hello." She yawned, "I don't think he is also call me Misato. Don't need to add the Ms.' always.”

“I see. Well, I'm returning some music he lent me. Is it okay if I put it in his room?”

The footsteps move to the kitchen as she hears the crack of a beer can being opened, and the person (Misato) takes a swig of it as the conversation continues, “Yeah, yeah, go ahead, Kaworu. I have to go. Well, get ready for the day, aha.”

More footsteps

Jesus Christ, why did I become frozen? I need to hide. Shinko, do something, girl.

But she just stood there; the inevitable will happen…

The creak of her door is heard as the figure looks into the room.

She turns around to see Kaworu holding a music tape to her SDAT as he stares at Shinko frozen in her blue sundress. The room is perfectly lit, so it's not like Kaworu can't see it, and oh god…

Chapter Text

Shaken out of her stupor, she grabs the tape from his hands and quickly yelps out a “Thank you” as she unintentionally slams the door. Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Meanwhile, outside the recently shut door, we see Kaworu staring at the door, mouth open, looking like he wanted to say something but decided he shouldn’t linger.

So soon after he left 

I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!

She threw on a basic blue hoodie and jeans, proceeding to then speed out of the house like a marathon runner.

She ran 

She ran

Ran until her legs gave out

She was in the middle of nowhere 

It was so quiet..

I don't even know where I am, but I don't care.

That happened, that fucking happened. 

Her body shook as she let out an awkward yelp that turned into a scream as she fell to her knees.

He saw he saw me… He is probably disgusted; God, he probably told everyone about me, about how I'm some kind of pervert…

She felt a drop 

Then another

And another

And another!

Which turned into thousands of drops of rain  

Great! just what I needed…

She scans her surroundings. It's a rural area outside of the city limits. Damn, I ran this far on foot?  

She sees a little train station nearby and decides to walk towards it. Let's hope it's not too late to catch a train..

-

To her luck, there was a train; she just had to wait 30 minutes for it, fortunately. 

She sat on the train carriage bench, staring at the floor. It was just her; it was late at night, of course; no one was taking the train this late.

What do I even do? Do I just ignore him?? Or do I just face the music… God, I really hope he didn’t tell anyone. Like, yes, Kaworu is a great guy and probably wouldn't, but this is uncharted territory. He saw me in girls' clothes… He saw me…

Her mind raced, filled with various scenarios of what could happen. Until her adrenaline rush now coming to a crash made her realize just how tired she was from all that running, so she drifted off to sleep.

-

She woke up in a car. Where am I? She opens her eyes, smelling motor oil and used beer cans, Misato..

She turned her head to see just that the purple-haired woman herself in a disheveled outfit of nightwear and a coat. “Oh, you're awake. That's good. Well, we need to talk about this... but in the meantime, just wake up more.”

Talk???? Does she know?! No, Shinko, she probably means why you were asleep in a fucking train outside the city! Shinko shakes her head out of these voices as she breathes in and out, in and out. Shinko, there we go ..

-

It only took her a few minutes to wake up more and actually regain her composure. She says, “So you want to know why I was there, right?”

Misato, turning the wheel for a sharp turn, replies, “Well, yeah, I'm just concerned, you know? You run off without telling me. I just want to know if you're okay.” 

She opens her mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. What do I even tell her??

“I'm just not feeling well…” Technically not a lie, but hopefully she doesn't pry for more.

They come to a stop in front of Misato’s apartment complex 

Misato side-eyes her but relents, “Alright, Shinji, just know I'm here for you anytime.” She gives her a smile as she opens her door, getting out of the car.

-

The days passed after that pretty quietly. I've been trying to ignore Kaworu to the best of my ability, but school starts again tomorrow, so….

School… Something I'm usually apathetic towards, but now I'm dreading it

Shinko shuffles awkwardly in her bed, staring at the wall

I hope he doesn't hate me…

-

Her alarm blares, but she doesn't budge

Her second alarm blares; she still doesn't move

Her thir— the door to her room is abruptly slammed open. A fiery redhead stands at the entrance, hands on her hips. “Shinji?! We are going to be late, idiot!!

Shinko opens her eyes blearily, rubbing her eyes as she gets out of bed. “Give me a minute, Asuka,” she shouts out as she changes.

She finishes the last button on her school uniform. The sight of the men’s white button-up shirt makes her ill, but it's unfortunately what she has to wear..

-

The walk is uneventful other than Asuka’s yapping, but that’s nothing new 

Until..

Asuka stops; they are still a few blocks away from the school. She stands in front of Shinko, hands on her hips, as she asks, “So, trouble in paradise? Everyone can tell you two aren’t talking. So what happened?” Guess he didn’t tell anyone, God, of course he didn’t, Shinko!?! Just because he might probably be disgusted by me doesn’t mean he’d tell everyone my secret; he’s still a good person..

Shinko, visibly nervous now under Asuka’s glare, squeaks out a response, “I-I… w-we had a fight is all…” a total lie, but hopefully she buys it...

Asuka, noticing the time on her phone, grabs Shinko’s hand. “Just tell me at lunch. I want all the details now. Come on, we're going to be late, idiot!”

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Shinko trudges into the school gates as Asuka runs off to talk to her friends

She stares down at the floor sullenly as she marches slowly to her classroom. He'll be here. I just have to try to ignore him. I can't face him…

I don't want to be here. I don't, I don't, I don't! She dashes to the bathroom, the men's room. She quickly hops into a stall and starts breaking down. She’s sobbing loudly, but she doesn’t care. She can't control the tears as they roll down her cheeks. I'm so pathetic crying in here like this…

She hears footsteps; they probably heard me crying. Better just shuffle outta here.

She starts wiping her face with her white sleeves and fixing her hair as she tries to take some breaths in and out, in and out, yeah…

She emerges from the bathroom stall; she beelines for the exit, but as she does, she’s stopped dead in her tracks by the person she was avoiding: Kaworu?!

Kaworu sees her puffy face and disheveled look; she looks like she just went through the wringer. 

Shinko’s hands feel clammy as she just stares directly at the wall, not at Kaworu. 

I-I what do I do???

They stand 

They just stand

A thick silence has breached this bathroom 

That was until Kaworu grabbed Shinko’s hand, leading them out of the bathroom. 

W-where is he taking me??

H-he's going to tell, isn't he? Or out me, God, no, no, no, no, no.

She shakes her head vigorously side to side. 

Anyone who saw this would think her insane, but also leading your boyfr- girlfriend through the hallways during class is also insane.

Kaworu continues marching them both through the halls, taking multiple turns along the way. Where is he taking me?

She doesn’t have to think long as Kaworu ascends the stairs, taking them both to the school rooftop. 

Cicadas sing on this hot summer day; the two stand face to face on the school rooftop.

“Shinji-kun…”

Shinko stands there on the verge of tears; here it comes…

“It's true…” Shinko blurts out

Kaworu, taken aback, responds, “What?”

Shinko stares at the concrete floor of the rooftop. “I mean, it's true what you're about to say…”

Kaworu smirks, some would say a bit smugly, “That I thought you looked beautiful in that dress?”

Shinko stares at him, eyes wide with her entire face flushed red like a cherry; even her ears were tipped red.

She couldn’t even utter a word 

Or even think straight

Shinko.exe has short circuited  

A feat that Kaworu has often undertaken more than a few times since they started dating a year ago

Kaworu walks closer, chuckling, “Did I short-circuit you again, my love? I just wanted to broach this tension between us with a bit of love, I suppose,” he lightly chuckles more.

Shinko gets out of her stupor, whispering, “You really think so?” She asks in disbelief. 

Kaworu gets closer, gently lifting her chin up so they are making eye-to-eye contact as he whispers back to her, “Yes, you truly were.”

Shinko’s face heats up more as her face somehow gets redder, turning into a tomato.

“Shinji-kun…” Kaworu whispers into her ear. As he does, he sees her flinch at the name; he squeezes her gently as he holds her, pulling her close to his chest. “I don’t think it's disgusting you wearing that dress. Lilin of any gender can wear what they like; that includes you, my love.”

So he just thinks I'm a crossdresser?! I'm scared to tell him I'm a girl, but being perceived as a boy still makes me want to scream.

She lowers her head. “...So you think I'm just a guy who wears girls' clothes?” She spits out like venom.

Kaworu steps back, looking at her stunned. “I didn’t say that; I was just saying that I don't find it disgusting.”

“Then you know… that I'm not a boy…” She stares at the ground; tears start forming. 

“I'm going to be honest; I thought something was going on, but I didn’t mean to force it out like this; it wasn't my intention, love.”

“Do you think I'm a pervert…?” The tears flow down her cheeks like raindrops; here it comes…

“I don't,” he speaks plainly. 

What? He misspoke probably..

"But I'm not a boy. Aren't you only into guys?"

Kaworu walks over to her, embracing her again. He rubs her back as he whispers into her ear, "I'm into Shinji no matter what gender they are speaking of. Should I call you a different name now, my love?"

"Shinko!" she blurts out loudly; luckily, no one is around on the rooftop, though she immediately regrets this as she looks down nervously to play with the hem of her shirt. "I like the name shinko…” 

He chuckles softly into her ear; she can feel his breath ghost her shoulder. “That's a beautiful name, Shinko~” 

She squeaks like a mouse at this, blushing furiously as her entire face is a deep shade of red and pink. Kaworu chuckles again as he goes in for a peck on her cheek. “So it's Shinko now, and I assume she/her?”

Shinko whispers back. “Yes, please…”

Kaworu squeezes her tightly as they embrace each other on the serene rooftop. This serenity didn't last as they both heard the loud chime of the lunch bell.

Kaworu grabbed her hand, pulling her towards the door. “We should talk about this again after school. Let's go eat, okay?”

Shinko smiles warmly at Kaworu. “Alright!”