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Mingi is seven years old when he hears the word ‘gay’ for the first time. He isn’t quite sure what it means, but he has a feeling it isn’t positive. At least it didn’t sound positive from the way the older boys at training said it. Their tone of voice was mean, and they laughed about it.
Mingi doesn’t tell Yunho about it. Mingi doesn’t want Yunho to know that people are referring to figure skating as something that might be bad, considering Yunho always looks so happy doing it.
“Eomma, what does gay mean?” Little Mingi asks that night at dinner.
She looks at him surprised. “What makes you ask my dear?”
“The sunbaes at training said figure skating is gay.”
Something in his mother’s expression changes, but Mingi is too young to really understand what it means back then. “Figure skating isn’t gay,” she says calmly. “A sport can’t be gay.”
“What does it mean then?”
“It’s when two men love each other.”
“Oh,” Mingi says, thinking over the information. “Is this something bad?”
His mother smiles softly. “No, my dear. There is nothing bad about loving.”
To Mingi it sounds so simple when she says it, unknowing that it will be so much more complicated later on in life.
“I like boys, Mingi,” Yunho says, looking at his best friend with uncertainty.
“Oh,” Mingi releases a breath he didn’t know he’s been holding.
He is fourteen now and his best friend just came out to him. Isn’t it strange that Yunho ended up being gay? Was it the figure skating that made him gay or did he choose figure skating because he was gay?
“I’m happy for you, Yunho,” Mingi says feeling strange. “Are you going to tell your parents?”
Yunho shrugs. “I don’t see why not. It’s not like it’s something bad.”
Right, Mingi thinks, it’s nothing bad. There is nothing bad about loving, he knows that. So why does he feel like it isn’t quite right for Yunho to like boys? Why does he feel like Yunho might never be fully accepted by the people around him if he actually lives his life loving boys? Why does it feel like Mingi can’t ever tell anyone that his best friend likes boys?
“And my parents have always been supportive,” Yunho continues.
“When will you tell them?”
“Today.”
“It’ll go great,” Mingi says, managing a weak smile.
Yunho stares at him for a moment. Mingi is usually quite good at reading Yunho’s expression, but this time he isn’t quite sure what Yunho is thinking as different emotions flash over his best friend's face. Then Yunho averts his gaze, a soft chuckle escaping his lips as he shakes his head.
“How’s hockey going for you these days? I heard you’re fighting for first place in the league?”
Yunho is good at changing the subject, and Mingi is more than happy about it today. He knows it’s to avoid a conversation, but it’s one Mingi doesn’t want to have either. Not now, maybe not ever.
Talking about ice hockey is easy. It’s his passion after all and Yunho shares the same passion of being on the ice. It’s how their friendship started, that first time their mothers brought them to the ice rink when they could barely stand on skates, their knees wobbly and their hands cold from getting back up onto their feet after clumsily toppling over.
Back then Mingi thought Yunho might share the same dream as him and join the hockey team, but Yunho joined the figure skaters. Back then the training was at the same time, same facility for all the kids, sometimes they even had training together to learn the basics of being on the ice.
And now they are fourteen and still on the ice, just one of them is graceful and elegant, dancing on the ice like second nature, growing more and more into himself and his confidence, while Mingi sometimes feels he is trained to be hard, mean and brutal. Not just on the ice, but also off the ice. And something about that just never felt quite right for him.
“You can leave without me, I’m staying to watch the figure skaters,” Mingi lets his teammates know.
“The girls are cute and all, so I get it bro,” one of his teammates says. “Maybe I will stay too, check out some of them.”
“Ah, it’s the boys training, actually,” Mingi corrects.
“Those faggots?” Another one calls out, earning him some laughter from a few others.
Mingi feels something in his chest tightening. It feels like this everytime one of the boys says something homophobic. Mingi only noticed how often it happened after Yunho came out to him. He only noticed when he started caring.
He is seventeen now and maybe he is finally too old to shrug off the comments and decide they are not his business.
“What did you say?” Mingi asks, voice low.
“I asked if you want to watch these faggots.”
The energy in the room shifts, chatter dying down as some team members fidget in their spot while others make up their mind which of the two they’ll back up if it comes down to a fight. Fighting isn’t rare among the hockey boys, it’s turned into their nature, given how it is expected of them on the ice. Fights happen and then they move on and all is good again. But Mingi isn’t sure if he can let this one go so easily this time.
“I will watch my best friend,” Mingi says through clenched teeth.
“Your bestie dances on the ice?” The guy laughs, but this time he laughs alone. “Is he a boykisser?”
“Come on guys, let it be,” someone says, but Mingi has already crossed the room, grabbing his teammate by the collar.
There are people moving closer to hold Mingi back, but no one is quite ready to separate the two just yet.
“Not quite sure how this is any of your business,” he hisses.
His teammate raises his hands in surrender, a mocking smile on his lips. “Don’t tell me you kiss boys too, Mingi.”
“I don’t,” Mingi bites out. “But I won’t just stand here while you call my best friend names.”
“Now, now,” the guy pats Mingi on the shoulder. “No need to get all worked up. Not like he heard us.”
“I did though.”
“Okay, and? Will you go and tell him? And then what?”
Mingi’s hand on the collar tightens, pulling the other closer to him. He lowers his voice to a whisper as he speaks. “I hear you say one more word about him and I’ll make sure you won’t be able to speak anymore.”
“Sissy defense squad Mingi,” the guy mocks and Mingi sees red.
Next thing Mingi knows the two of them are sitting in the principal's office, getting an earful of scolding and threats of detention, Mingi rubbing over his injured knuckles as the other boy holds an ice pack against his swollen, bandaged cheek.
Needless to say, Mingi missed out on Yunho’s training. He’ll never tell Yunho why.
Mingi is nineteen when Yunho has his first real boyfriend. They meet at the queer forum of their university and Yunho is all excited when he tells Mingi about him. Mingi is happy for his best friend, of course he is, he is supportive, as good as he can. Although Mingi is never quite sure if he is doing a good job because for some reason, even after all these years, he still feels strange about Yunho liking guys.
With the two of them sharing a university dorm, Mingi can’t escape meeting Yunho’s boyfriend frequently, be it because he is visiting or because he is picking Yunho up for a date. He is nice, of course he is, how could he not be. And still Mingi never quite manages to start liking him, never quite wants him to stay in Yunho’s life for too long.
Seeing Yunho in a relationship, suddenly busy out on dates and having fun, Mingi realizes that he’s never even considered dating. Somehow it wasn’t something that he felt he had the time for between ice hockey and school. There also wasn’t a girl that he thought he’d like. Now with Yunho busier, Mingi wonders if it’s time for him to find someone too.
He goes out clubbing, he downloads a dating app or two, he meets a few girls, sometimes even going on more than one date, but it just never feels quite right. Maybe something is wrong with him? There must be, because isn’t it just normal to be able to date girls?
“Eomma, how did you know you liked Appa?”
His mother chuckles, then purses her lips in thought. “Back then, whenever I saw him I got all excited and nervous and warm, and we were on the same page about life and goals. We shared common interests, but he also had his own so we always had something new to talk about. No one made me laugh as much as he did. We are just on the same wavelength, I guess?” There is this dreamy smile on his mother’s face. “Why? Do you like someone?”
Mingi furrows his brow, taking in the information and trying to sort through it. He can’t remember ever feeling excited or nervous about anyone.
“No,” he says. “I am trying to like someone but… I’ve been going on dates with different girls but none of them made me feel this way.”
“Oh, my son is all grown up now,” she says with a smile. “I hear dating these days is really exhausting. So many people just don’t want to commit. And you’re still so young, Mingi.”
“But Yunho has a boyfriend,” Mingi can’t help the pout. “He found someone, so why can’t I?”
There is a pause, his mother staring at him for a few seconds. Then she sighs. “This isn’t a competition, Mingi. Just because Yunho has someone doesn’t mean you also have to find someone.”
“I…” Mingi hesitates, only realizing now that his mother pointed out the obvious. Isn’t it because Yunho is taken that Mingi ever even considered getting into a relationship? “I am not competing,” he says, voice quiet. “He just… between training and his boyfriend he barely has time for me. So maybe it is time for me to grow up and find a girlfriend?”
“A relationship isn’t just here to replace a best friend.”
“I know,” Mingi says quickly, gnawing at his bottom lip. “I am just worried I am falling behind. Everyone my age has had a girlfriend before, or at least some experience.”
“I am sure the right person will still come,” his mother says, reaching out to place her hand on his. “And who knows, maybe that person isn’t ready to be found just yet. Maybe you just need a bit of patience.”
The conversation with his mother stays with him for a long time.
Mingi deletes the dating apps, deciding that, for now, he will focus on his career, making sure to work towards his goal of going into professional ice skating. And just like that his life reverts back to the mix of hitting the gym, skating in training and scoring in matches.
Sometimes he stays longer after training just to watch Yunho spin on the ice. He looks so free, so happy, perfecting his routine for the upcoming season. Watching Yunho makes Mingi’s heart feel warm. They’ve been together for so many years, starting off as toddlers on the ice, not knowing what this world has to offer for them. Neither of them let go of their respective sport, neither of them stopped dreaming. Sometimes Yunho walks home with him, other times his boyfriend picks him up, leaving Mingi to stay behind, eyes following them as they walk off.
When the inevitable break up comes, Mingi is the one who comforts Yunho. Of course he is. He is the go to cuddle buddy, the tissue bringer and the food provider. And he’ll happily do it for Yunho, no matter what time a day, no matter how busy he is, there is always time for Yunho.
When Mingi is twenty-one, he finally comes to understand himself.
There is a girl a few years older than him, she started talking to him, asked him out and Mingi decided to just give it another try. Maybe she’s the one, who knows. And Mingi wasn’t searching, so maybe she just came to him, maybe she’s the one that wasn’t ready to be found yet.
They go on a few dates and while Mingi doesn’t feel all warm and happy, he doesn’t feel butterflies, he doesn’t feel like he wants to hold her hand, he does feel like they get along well, that she makes him laugh and that they are on the same page in life. Maybe love is something that needs to grow, he thinks. Maybe not everyone feels it instantly and with the same intensity.
When they kiss for the first time, Mingi feels strange. It’s his first kiss, the first time he’s come this far with someone, and while he thinks maybe the clumsiness of it all is what makes him overthink it, he knows deep in his heart that it isn’t that.
Because when they kissed, Mingi couldn’t help but feel that he didn't want this girl to kiss him. In fact, he didn’t want any girl to kiss him.
No, at this very moment Mingi wished she was a boy.
“Yunho…” Mingi hesitates.
“Mingi?” Yunho smiles at him ever so brightly, brighter than the sun. It’s the kind of smile that makes their shared university dorm room feel like a place Mingi wants to stay forever. He pats the spot next to him on the sofa, inviting Mingi to join him.
“You like guys, right?” Mingi asks when he is sitting down, eyes looking at anything but Yunho.
A chuckle fills the silence between them. “Yes, yes I do.”
“How…” Mingi gulps, gaze fixated on his hands where he is fidgeting with the rings on his fingers. “How did you know?”
The silence between them stretches and all Mingi can hear is the rapid beating of his own heart in his chest. He hopes Yunho can’t hear it. He hopes Yunho doesn’t notice how nervous he is. Maybe it was a mistake asking Yunho in the first place? After all, they never really talked about it before.
“You don’t have to—”
“No,” Yunho stops him, voice a lot less bright as it was before. Mingi doesn’t dare to look up at Yunho to see his expression. “It’s alright, you can ask,” Yunho says. “It’s just…” a weak chuckle, “I just never thought you actually cared to know, you know? It always felt like you don’t really like the thought that I… like boys.”
Mingi closes his eyes, exhaling a breath through his nose. The muscles in his jaw tense when hearing Yunho’s words, because he knows exactly what Yunho means. He didn’t think that Yunho actually noticed how he always avoided the subject, let alone that Yunho would interpret something like this into it.
“It’s not that,” Mingi whispers.
“You don’t have to explain,” Yunho quickly says. “Let me just answer your question.” Yunho inhales a deep breath bracing himself to talk. “Okay, so I think I always knew. Like… the moment you come to realize things for the first time in your early teens, it’s always been boys.”
Mingi stays silent. He can’t remember ever having such an epiphany in his teens, or at any point in his life really. Not until that kiss.
“I think what made me want to come out is that I really liked… a friend of mine.”
At that Mingi perks up, finally daring to glance at Yunho again. There is a melancholic expression in his eyes, a mix of regret and sadness.
“A friend?” Mingi repeats, voice weak.
“Yes.” Yunho gives him a weak smile.
“Who was it?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Yunho says quickly. “He is straight anyways, so it’s not like there was ever a moment for this to get somewhere.”
“I see…” Mingi replies, feeling a little dumb to not have anymore to contribute to the conversation.
“Why are you even asking?” It’s Yunho’s turn to ask now.
“Ah…” Mingi’s hands are back to fidgeting. “I just… You know I’ve been dating.”
“Yes, was wondering when you’ll introduce me to your girlfriend.”
“Ah this,” Mingi clears his throat. “I actually broke things off with her.”
Yunho’s eyes widen. “So soon? Why? What happened?”
Mingi hesitates, unsure of how much to tell Yunho. “It’s just… We kissed and then…” Mingi clears his throat once more, fingers clammy with cold sweat. “It didn’t feel right to kiss her.”
“Oh…” Yunho hums thoughtfully. “You don’t like her like that?”
“Yes but… but that wasn’t the reason. It’s more complicated.”
Yunho shifts, pulling his legs against his chest, remaining silent to give Mingi the time and space to sort out his thoughts. It’s always been like this with them. Yunho is the one person who gets Mingi, who understands when he needs to push him for information and when he just needs to give him some space to think.
The silence between them stretches on, as Mingi tries to gather his courage to finally say what’s been weighing on his mind for a lot longer than he’s been aware of. Because that is what it is. It’s what Mingi has been avoiding ever since Yunho came out to him seven years ago. It’s what caused his confusion about Yunho, it’s what made it impossible for him to date a girl. It’s because Mingi has always been like this, even if he didn’t know it about himself.
“I…” He tries, interrupting himself immediately. “Yunho. When we kissed I… all I could think of was that I don’t want any girl to ever kiss me.”
Yunho’s eyes widen, growing bigger and bigger.
“I don’t like girls. Not like this. I— I think I am gay.”
Yunho was fourteen when he came out to his best friend. Mingi was the first person to know, because Mingi was the person who had to know.
Because Mingi was Yunho’s first love.
And for the past seven years Yunho had come to terms with the fact that not only was Mingi straight, but Mingi also didn’t really like the fact that Yunho is gay.
At least that is what Yunho believed.
Until Mingi dropped the bomb on him a week ago.
Mingi likes men. And of course with this new detail added to the whirlwind of Yunho’s unresolved feelings for his best friend, his brain can’t stop thinking that this means Mingi could actually like him back. Any attempt of getting over Mingi suddenly seems like it was never even tried and Yunho can’t help but feel himself fall hopelessly for his best friend again.
Because now it feels alright to hope. It feels alright to think Mingi is the cutest person he’s ever laid his eyes upon. It feels alright to admire how handsome his best friend looks no matter the time of day. It feels alright to be a little possessive and hope that he and Mingi will stay together forever, like this, in their shared university dorm.
But Yunho knows it is not alright and spending time away from Mingi has started to feel like the only way to escape the inner conflict he’s dealing with.
Easier said than done when living together. But luckily Yunho can use training as an excuse to stay out, spending time on the ice rink to sort out both his thoughts and his feelings.
Mingi coming out was a surprise to him. He never considered it with the way Mingi never approached the subject and glossed over any of Yunho’s attempts to bring up anything relating to queer themes. As much as it must be confusing to Mingi to realize this about himself so late, it’s just as confusing to Yunho.
Mingi is his best friend.
The person he thought he knew everything about.
A flash, followed by a loud crashing noise rips Yunho out of his thoughts. He can hear the patter of rain, which makes him realize how long he’s been skating in circles; backwards, forwards, sidewards. Long enough for the evening weather forecast to come true.
“I should probably go,” he mumbles to himself, skating to the edge of the rink.
By the time he is done doing his stretches and packing up, it’s properly hailing down. Of course he didn’t bring an umbrella, life would be too easy if he did. So Yunho is only left with the options of waiting it out or rushing home through the rain.
He inspects the dark sky, occasionally lit up by the lightning. It’s only fifteen minutes through the park to their dorm, if he runs it’s probably just ten, but he’ll be properly drenched if he does so. But who knows how long this rain will last.
Of course, Yunho decides to run, clothes immediately soaked through after the first ten seconds. Although he has regrets, it’s too late to change his mind now.
The park is dark, the lights barely managing to illuminate the path ahead of him. But Yunho knows the way by heart, following his inner compass to make sure he stays on track. The rain falls into his eyes, making his vision blurry and he only notices the person ahead of him when he’s already collided with them.
“Sorry!” Yunho immediately says crawling onto his knees to check on the other.
“You…” Mingi stares up at him, the rain falling into his eyes making him blink. “Yunho!”
“Mingi.” Yunho’s throat feels dry, his hands falling to his sides.
“I— I was worried about you. Why didn’t you text me that you are on your way? I saw you left your umbrella at home and I—” Mingi interrupts himself to catch his breath, staring at Yunho with so much hurt he is taken aback.
“Mingi,” he says softly. “You shouldn’t be out in the rain.”
“Neither should you,” Mingi says wetly. Only now Yunho realizes that the other’s eyes are reddened and glassy.
“Are you hurt?” He immediately asks, reaching out to Mingi’s hands to inspect them. He must have fallen bad when they collided.
“I’m not,” Mingi says, pulling his hands back to wipe over his cheeks. “I’m just… You— You’ve been avoiding me all week. And I— I just don’t fucking get what your problem is.”
“Mingi, I—”
“No, let me speak,” Mingi says wetly. “I just— I told you because you’re the only person I know who could maybe relate to this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know how to go about all my conflicting feelings.”
“I am sorry, Mingi,” Yunho says weakly. “I wasn’t being a good friend.”
“No you weren’t,” Mingi immediately says and although it hurts a bit, Yunho can’t help the small smile forming on his lips in response to Mingi’s directness. “I’ve been thinking a lot, you know? About how I feel, about why I always struggled with coming to terms with you being gay. It just didn’t make sense. I always tried to be supportive but I was always so worried that you might get attacked for… for who you are.”
Yunho smiles softly. “I think that’s just part of this.” He reaches out to Mingi’s hand again and the other lets him take it. This time he is the one fidgeting with the rings. “You don’t have to worry about me, Mingi,” Yunho mumbles. “I’m very confident in my sexuality and I know what it means to the world.”
“I know,” Mingi admits, voice a lot calmer now. “I think I always knew. And maybe I was just jealous.”
“Jealous?”
“Yeah, because you can live like this and I couldn’t even admit it to myself.”
“But you did now,” Yunho says with a sigh, he lets go of Mingi’s hand but the other snatches it right back.
“When I was unsure about being with girls for the first time, I asked my mom how she knew she liked my father. She told me about excitement and nervousness, how he made her feel warm. She told me he is the one that makes her laugh the most. She told me they are on the same wavelength.”
Yunho feels his heart stutter at the words. The words make all the feelings he’s held for Mingi pour through his bloodstream into his body, to the tips of his fingers, to the ends of his hair, to his toes. This uncontrollable warmth, this happiness, this fear.
“Mingi,” Yunho whispers, knowing his words can’t be heard through the loud pattering of the rain around them.
“I’ve been thinking so much, Yunho. I know that this person exists for me, I know that he was ready to be found all this time, I just didn’t know where to look.”
Mingi tugs on Yunho’s hand, pulling him closer.
“I know I am seven years too late,” Mingi says softly. “I know you’ve held out all this time, waiting for your straight friend who just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that you liked boys. But Yunho… I think I just didn’t like the thought of you liking anyone other than me.”
Yunho chuckles wetly, his own tears mixing with the rain dripping down his face.
“Do you still want me?” Mingi finally asks.
Yunho can’t help the sob breaking out of his chest when he attempts to answer. “Of course,” he says, voice shaky.
“I’m glad,” Mingi says, face morphing into this beautiful gummy smile Yunho has loved for years. Mingi lets go of Yunho’s hand, spreading his arms in invitation. “Come here.”
And Yunho doesn’t let him tell him twice, as he falls into Mingi’s arms, welcomed by the other’s warmth.
Mingi leans in, pressing his forehead against Yunho's. “I’m sorry it took me this long,” he murmurs.
“I’m sorry too,” Yunho says in return, leaning back a little. “I just didn’t know how to deal with you actually being a realistic option for me.”
Mingi laughs and Yunho can’t help but join him, feeling all the anxiety finally leaving his body.
“Let’s get home before we get sick,” Mingi finally says, pulling out of Yunho’s embrace to help him to his feet.
Their fingers interlock naturally, the way they used to when they were kids with no unresolved feelings. Mingi tugs on his hand, but Yunho holds him back a little longer.
“There is still something we need to do,” he says, a smile in his voice.
Mingi looks at him with furrowed brows and round eyes. “What?”
Yunho wiggles his brow. “Don’t you want to test if kissing feels better if it's a guy?”
The panic on Mingi’s face makes Yunho laugh. Instead of letting him reply, he closes the distance between them, hands reaching out to squish Mingi’s cheeks before pulling him in to press a short, soft peck against Mingi’s lips.
“Alright, let’s go,” Yunho says, walking off so Mingi can’t see how his ears are burning red. He knows he acted cool, but Yunho is actually not cool at all, with his heart racing like crazy and his lips tingling from where they met Mingi’s.
“You!” Mingi calls after him, jogging to catch up. “You can’t just do that.”
“Oh, but I did,” Yunho chuckles. “Did it work, though?”
“You’re insane,” Mingi says, a laugh in his voice. “I think we have to kiss again to make sure it actually worked.”
“You’re impossible.”
“Ah, don’t be like this, Yunho. You can’t just kiss me and then call me impossible for wanting more.”
“So it worked,” Yunho says with a satisfied hum.
“Of course it did,” Mingi laughs, hand reaching out to tangle his fingers with Yunho’s. “Thank you,” he whispers.
“For what?” Yunho squeezes Mingi’s wet hand.
“For all these years, waiting for me to realize.”