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How does it feel to hit the rock bottom?
The higher you are, the more painful it is to fall. Shu had heard this phrase often and it was familiar to him, but he never thought he would have to experience it himself. What would it be like to lose everything? To become such a lowlife that own existence begins to feel like agonizing torture, forcing hands to reach for the rope? To feel nothing but a frightening emptiness that supersedes even despair and remorse?
Now Shu knows. Because after the fall of Valkyrie — his precious, much-beloved Valkyrie, his world built with so much hard work and passion — he has nothing else. All he can do now is replay that cursed day over and over in his mind and drown in his own insignificance, sitting in his room with the curtains down, where it now seems impossible to leave. And no, time doesn't heal. Shu only gets sicker with each passing day. Guilt suffocates him, eating him up from the inside out, drying out his already bleeding heart.
He should have realized it long before the tragedy. Even then, when Valkyrie was no longer admired as something inaccessible and distant, and the former awe was replaced by condescending contempt. He had to temper his pride and not accept Tenshouin Eichi's challenge to Valkyrie. He should have let Nito sing. He should have given his dolls more freedom. He should have realized that the castle of sand he had built was too fragile.
And he didn't do any of that. What difference does it make now if the performance was disrupted on purpose or if it was a simple technical error? It doesn't change anything. It's his fault. He strived for perfection like a blind madman, without noticing anything or anyone around him, and this passion played a cruel joke on him. What kind of puppeteer is he, if he could not hold the strings of his own puppets, but on the contrary, he only entangled them and led Valkyrie to her grave?
Shu can no longer bring art to the world. It was out of the question: the mere thought of starting to create again made his throat lump, his insides clench with inexplicable fear, and his fingers began to tremble as he tried to pick up a needle and thread. His hands have become useless. He has become useless. All of his projects — stage costumes and drafts of new songs — Shu had torn all of them to shreds. What use were they now? Itsuki Shu's fate now was to collect dust for the rest of his life, shutting himself away from the world in his room and cherishing his memories of his sacred youth like a broken, forgotten doll that no one wants.
A cautious knock on the door interrupts the flow of painful thoughts.
"Oshi-san, I'm home!"
Though no, saying he has nothing left at all would be lying. He had something else left. Or rather, someone.
Kagehira. He still has Kagehira. The only one who hadn't turned his back on Shu after the fall of Valkyrie. Almost ironic, considering how Shu had treated the boy: always calling him a good-for-nothing loser, mercilessly criticizing his singing and dancing, paying little attention to him. That Mika still hadn't abandoned him, Shu considered it a miracle he didn't deserve. Kagehira continued to live with him while attending school; brought Shu food and other necessities while caring for his condition; continued to smile at him while Shu couldn't bring himself to look him in the eye. Kagehira acted as if nothing had happened.
As if Valkyrie hadn't been trampled into the dirt six months ago, leaving only disgusting shards of a once beautiful world.
Sometimes Shu thought he hated Mika simply because he was a living reminder of Valkyrie — and then he clutched his head in horror, trying to drown out those thoughts. He just didn't understand what made Mika stay close to him — or rather, he guessed, but refused to admit it.
But even more maddening to Shu was that he liked it — liked feeling that familiar loving gaze on him, liked that Mika continued to see him as the former version of him, not the current bleak shadow.
It's not right. It shouldn't be this way. Staying with Shu is like jumping after a drowning man into a raging sea. And Mika should realize that.
"Oshi-san, I'm goin’ in, okay? I have something for ya!"
There was a commotion outside, and then the door opened, throwing a rectangle of light on Shu. He didn't react at all to Mika’s appearance, continuing to sit motionless, huddled in the corner of the room, staring blankly at the wall.
Mika moved closer, carefully stepping around the fabrics, papers, and sewing supplies scattered on the floor, and knelt down next to Shu. The rustling of a package reached Shu's ears — Mika had brought something.
"I got ya yer favorite pastries!" Shu didn't look, but he realized from Kagehira's tone that he was smiling. "I hope you'll give it a try..."
Then Kagehira suddenly stopped talking abruptly. Shu already thought he had left, but after a couple minutes of tense silence, Mika spoke again.
"Uh, I... I have somethin’ else," Kagehira mumbled awkwardly, fidgeting with his fingers. "The thing is, a few days ago, I found a doll in a dumpster near the school, and... Ya probably realize I couldn't leave her, ehehehe.... I wanted to fix her, but of course I failed to do that, so I thought you could help..."
Each word embedded itself into Shu's skin like a red-hot iron. He turned around slowly, feeling a pounding start in his temples, and finally looked up at Mika. He was smiling and holding out a small doll to him. Her dress was tattered and her hair was tangled.
"Yer so talented, Oshi-san, ya can definitely bring her back to her former beauty! After all, everything you do, you turn it into a true work of art-"
Shu couldn't listen to this anymore. He was gasping for breath. Snatching the doll from Kagehira, he threw it violently into the wall. With a loud clang, it shattered into small pieces.
"O-oshi-san!? What are ya doing..." Mika cried out fearfully, but Shu stopped him from jumping up by grabbing his arm tightly. He couldn't take it anymore. He has to put an end to it. And he will, no matter how.
"Kagehira," for the first time since Valkyrie's downfall, Shu looked Mika directly in the eyes. Pupils the color of amber and lapis lazuli were dilated in fear. Shu felt something crack inside him, but continued. "Why are you doing this?"
"Eh? W-what do ya mean, Oshi-san...?"
"Don't play dumb, you know what I mean, Kagehira," Shu almost hissed, squeezing Miki's wrist even tighter. "But if you still don't understand, I'll explain it to you," Shu took a deep breath, preparing himself for a serious speech. He has to do this, he has to. "Why are you still here? There's nothing more for you to do here. Valkyrie is gone. I don't need you anymore."
The multicolored eyes across the room twitched. Despair splashed in them.
"H-How can that be? Why are ya sayin’ such things, Oshi-san... I-I don't understand. I did somethin’ wrong, didn't I? Is it my fault? Even if it is… I-I can't leave ya! I-I just can't, I can't!" Mika shook his head in panic, as if his life depended on whether or not he stayed with Shu. His voice sounded like he was about to cry. "Please don't throw me away, Oshi-san... I just won’t stand it."
Shu clucked his tongue irritably, feeling a fire igniting in his chest. But he guessed that Mika would respond like that. Apparently, he'd have to do it after all.
"Can't leave me, you say?" Shu squinted his eyes intently. "Why is that? Oh yeah... I know why," he said the next words almost in a whisper.
"You're in love with me, aren't you, Kagehira? Well, then freeze. I'll give you what you want."
Mika didn't even have time to blink.
Shu quickly reached his chin with his fingers, and leaned closer, touching Kagehira's lips with his own. It was a lifeless, dry kiss, and it lasted only a couple seconds — and yet Shu could still feel Mika's heart racing.
I'm so sorry, Kagehira.
Shu had known for a long time that Mika was in love with him. Only a blind man could miss the adoring gaze Kagehira gave Shu; the way he flinched and blushed every time Itsuki touched him; the way he was mesmerized by his every word.
Mika really did love him. He would do anything Itsuki asked, Shu didn't even doubt it. Except the problem is that Shu isn't the kind of person who deserves that kind of love.
Not after the cruelty and pain he's caused.
Mika shouldn't, shouldn't, shouldn't love him; he should hate him. And Shu will do his best to make that love turn into hate. Even if it will hurt — he has no right to keep taking advantage of this love.
"Go back to your home, Kagehira," Shu says quietly but firmly, pulling away from Mika’s lips, who seems to have forgotten how to breathe. "There's nothing more for you to do here."
For a couple seconds, Mika just stares dumbly at Shu, thinking he's heard him. Then his eyelashes fluttered.
"N-no, don't... Don't throw me away, please," Mika sobbed, clutching desperately at Shu's arm. Tears showed in his multicolored eyes, his voice shaking pitifully. The last words came out barely audible. "Please, I can't-I love you-"
Shu felt a mad wave of anger rush over him. Why, why is this so difficult? Why can't Kagehira just finally realize that he can't stay with him!? What else does Itsuki have to do to make Mika stop looking at him like devoted puppy...?
"What are you babbling about again?” Shu hissed, coldly interrupting Kagehira's pathetic mutterings. "You didn't like it? Ah... Or do you want more?"
Mika abruptly stopped talking and opened his mouth, but Shu didn't let him utter a word. Jumping to his feet and roughly lifting Kagehira behind him, Shu grabbed his arm and dragged him to the bed.
"Not enough for you, huh? You want more, then?" Shu hissed, pushing Mika onto the bed and hovering over him. "Okay, I can make that happen for you."
"Oshi-san, w-wait, what are you do-" Mika didn't have time to finish his sentence because Shu, resting one hand on the bed at the side of his head, started unbuttoning his trousers with his other hand. Kagehira's eyes widened in horror; he finally realized what Shu was about to do. He weakly put his arms forward, resting his hands on Shu's chest and trying to push him away, but it looked pathetic; Shu was stronger. "N-don't, that's not what I meant!"
Shu didn't listen to him.
"You love me, you say!? You love me? Well, now I'm going to make you stop loving me," Shu shouted as he started to pull down Mika’s trousers. His eyes were blurry for some reason. "To make you realize what a horrible person I am!"
"No, no, no, please stop!" Mika sobbed, clutching Shu's shirt with his fingers as Shu unbuttoned, practically ripping out the buttons of his. Tears streamed down Kagehira's cheeks. "I'm beggin’ ya, please stop... I don't want to, I'm scared, please- Shu!"
Shu stopped as if Mika saying his name had given him an electric shock. With a shudder, Shu let go of Kagehira, who immediately crawled fearfully to the other end of the bed. His heart was beating frantically against his rib cage, his ears were buzzing. Shu found it hard to breathe. He was scared. It was as if he had woken up from a seizure.
What had he just done? What the hell did he want to do to Kagehira!? Shu felt his terror start to make him feel nauseous. Had he completely lost his mind?
"Kagehira... I…" not recognizing his hoarse voice, Shu dropped his head, bent on his elbows, and closed his eyes — he didn't want to see his own tears. "I think I've gone mad. Oh heavens, I'm so sorry... I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to... I just-" Shu could no longer hold back the hysteria that came in and sobbed, unashamed of his tears. All the emotions that he had been storing up inside of him all these months came rushing out. "I just honestly can't understand why you still haven't left me. I mean, you– You should have been the first one to do it. I mean. I treated you so unfairly. And you– In the end, you're the only one who stayed with me. I don't understand, I just don't understand why you're doing this. I didn't want it to end this way for you and Nito. For us. It's all my fault, but you– You still have a future, Kagehira. You don't have to sit here next to me, you have to move on. Just like Nito did."
"Shu..."
Shu is trembling. Mika’s voice when he says his name sounds so beautiful. Has he always been like this? Or did Shu just never noticed because he never listened to it?
Itsuki's eyes are still closed, so he doesn't see Kagehira crawl closer to him, oblivious to his fear. But he can feel Kagehira's warmth as he wraps his arms around him, wrapping his skinny arms tightly around his back. Shu lets himself be forgotten and exhaustedly rests his face against Mika’s shoulder, staining his clothes with tears.
"I know you love me Kagehira. But I'm not the kind of person who deserves this love."
"Oh, Shu..." Mika smiles bitterly. Shu feels his fingers on his palm. "Ya aren’t a horrible person. Yer bein’ too hard on yourself again. As always though, haha... You have no idea how much I owe ya."
And here Shu wants to open his mouth; he wants to argue that on the contrary, he owes Mika, but Mika's fingers begin to gently — this gentleness almost brings a new flood of tears to Itsuki's eyes — massage his palm, tracing lines on it that only he knows. To Shu's shock, it was grounding and... very soothing?
"Ya know, you kept sayin’ you didn't remember that meeting we had," Mika begins quietly, "but we did meet when we were kids. Back then, I was... I was like a forgotten plush toy. Haha, that's a funny comparison, isn't it? Back then, I had no one, and no one wanted me. I ran away from the orphanage and got lost, and then... I met you," Mika's voice warmed almost physically at this moment. "Ya saved me, Shu, you were my angel. You were so incredible. Yer shone so brightly that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ya. I wanted nothin’ more than to be able to see yer light. Many years later, I found you, and you showed me kindness again. Ya let me, such a loser, into your world, let me join Valkyrie... You let me live with you," Mika’s grip on Shu's palm grew tighter, almost desperate. "Ya know, if you hadn't accepted me back then, I probably would have died... And I really love ya. Just the way you are. I'll understand if ya don't accept me, and I won't force ya to, ‘cause my feelings are probably stupid, but, but... Thanks for listenin’ to me anyway."
Oh. With every word Mika said, a new, previously unknown feeling penetrated Shu's heart, melting the ice that had accumulated there. It turned out that his puppet possessed such a beautiful human soul, and he had never noticed. What a hopeless idiot.
"Mika, I-" Shu wanted to tell him too much. Kagehira's name rolled off his tongue like pleasant music, sending a wave of goosebumps down his spine. Why hadn't he called him like that before?
Shu's palm surrendered, intercepting Mikia’s hand and discreetly intertwining their fingers. Shu was finally able to look up — there were tears in Mika’s eyes as well, glistening in the multicolored irises. Now the tears were looking at the tears. They were both crying, finally giving vent to their true feelings.
"You're the one... Mika, you're the one who saved me," his voice sounded choppy, but Shu didn't care anymore. "I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Gods, I don't know what I would be doing right now without you, you're all I have left, Mika, I-"
The words came out in a rapid stream and Shu hitched up, catching his breath. He lifted his trembling hands, his thumbs wiping wet paths from Mika's cheeks. Shu's heart was beating so hard that his rib cage ached. And in Mika’s eyes, in his stunning eyes, the same love and admiration was still splashing around. Oh, that look made Shu almost physically feel his ribs break, allowing a new feeling to blossom in his devastated body.
If Shu didn't do this now, he would never forgive himself.
"Mika, can I-" eye to eye, a barely audible whisper. Shu has no right to do this — especially after what he wanted to do a few minutes ago — but Shu can't not do it. Gods, please let him be selfish one last time.
Instead of answering, Mika reaches for him himself, placing his hands on Shu's shoulders and gently covering his lips with his own. Mika's kiss is unskilled, though he tries to prove otherwise, and it makes the corners of Shu's mouth quiver in an outward smile. This kiss is completely different. The sparks of warmth in Shu's chest turn into fireworks, scaldingly pleasurable. His heart begins to literally dance. Shu feels something sweet on his tongue — probably because of one of those candies Mika loves. Only after placing his own palms on Mika's hands, Shu suddenly notices how skinny his wrists really are. Has he been eating well lately? Why, why didn't he notice this before, preferring to drown in his misery, oblivious to the world around him?
It was like a long-forgotten beautiful memory; like a secret dream cherished by a child's heart to which the world had been too cold; like two lost souls that had finally been reunited.
The hurricane in his soul has finally subsided.
The broken vase has been resurrected, the missing piece has been put back together.
Shu pulls away for just a second, just a little, just long enough to whisper.
"Aren't you afraid of-" he didn't have to finish the sentence.
"Of you?" Mika laughed, clean and clear, and put a finger to Shu's lips, making him stop halfway through the sentence. A playful, childish gesture. But so pleasant. "Shu, what are ya talkin’ about? I've never been afraid of ya. You're my love."
And those words took Shu's breath away. He didn’t deserve this. He didn't deserve those eyes looking at him with endless love; he didn't deserve that beautiful, light-bearing smile; he didn't deserve that warmth coming from Kagehira's body.
"Mika...," Shu whispered, feeling his eyes grow hot. Feelings were bubbling up inside him; there was too much to say and do. He managed to gently wrap both trembling hands around Mika's face. "I'm sorry," it was an apology for everything. For past neglect; for past harsh words; for their downfall; for the buttons ripped off his shirt. "I love you too, with all of my heart. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that sooner."
Mika laughs softly and snuggles into Shu's shoulder, intertwining their fingers with and squeezing them tightly. Shu feels his shirt getting wet. But these are happy tears.
"Shu... " every time Mika says his name, Shu gets goosebumps running down his back. Please, say my name more often.
Mika suddenly lifts his head sharply. Their fingers clench even tighter
"Oshi-sa- Shu, let's revive Valkyrie. Please, I'm beggin’ you," there's a pleading look in his multicolored eyes, and Shu feels his whole body turn upside down at the sight. "Everyone makes mistakes, but that's... that's what makes us human, right? So please forgive yourself. I, ” Mika's voice shakes and breaks. "I don't want anyone but you. I don't want to sing with anyone but you. Shu, please. Let's create a new world, even better than the previous one."
Just a couple of days ago, Shu couldn't have thought of that. A couple of days ago, he would have said no. A couple of days ago, he wouldn't have even listened to Mika.
But now — now everything was different.
Shu could almost physically feel the uncontrollable urge to create; it buzzed under his skin.
Shu would not repeat the mistakes of the past. Their new world doesn’t have to be perfect. The important thing was that it would be their world. His and Mika’s.
He won't be alone.
Shu places his fingers on the back of Mika’s neck, working his way through the dark curls, and leans his head toward him so that their foreheads touch. Their breaths merge into one, their hearts beating in unison. A smile tugs at the corner of Shu's lips.
"Well then, shall we dance one more time, my Galatea?"
The glow in Mika’s eyes conveys his feelings better than any words can. He takes Shu's free hand and intertwines their fingers — again.
"Mm-hmm. Through the depths of Hell, together".
Outside the window, the scarlet colors of the sunset are fading, soon to be replaced by the silvery light of the moon, as the two silhouettes sit on the bed, fingers intertwined. But beyond that sunset comes the dawn — the dawn of a new, beautiful beginning.