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Gyuvin can’t remember the last time they did a livestream together.
It always feels like forever when they aren’t together. Honestly, that isn’t very often. Their entire lives have been spent together for the last four or so years. He’s lost track at this point. If he asked, Ricky could probably tell him down to the minute.
But they don’t really talk about stuff like that much anymore.
It’s weird. There’s nothing wrong but it doesn’t feel quite right.
Isn’t that the story of his life, Gyuvin thinks. At least only recently. He supposes this is what a life underneath the spotlight breeds. Thoughts of inadequacy and strange emotions he hasn’t felt enough to name.
Ricky could name them for him, if he asked.
Either way, they’ve been told to promote their new album and play it up for the cameras but not too far. Not like how you used to. Don’t act like how you want to. Act how we want you to.
So, Gyuvin braves a smile and pretends like everything’s normal. Because everything is normal. At least to the fans and to the world. To his family and to his bandmates. He is as normal as normal gets.
But, not to Ricky.
Ricky can obviously tell that something’s wrong because he’s Ricky and Gyuvin is Gyuvin. Whether or not he likes it, he speaks a language that only the other understands.
They’ve been rambling about miscellaneous stories and funny moments that happened over the preparation period. It’s hard to tell the really funny ones when there are three different staff members watching them from behind the camera, but Gyuvin always tries to make them worthwhile. Ricky’s talking a lot more and picking up the slack that Gyuvin doesn’t think is obvious at all. Obviously, to Ricky it’s obvious.
Ricky’s glancing at him way too much. Gyuvin already knows that he’s going to get spoken to about it by one of the staff members. Ricky doesn’t care at all and continues to look at him. Despite being the object of Ricky’s attention over a million times over the last few years, every single stare still feels special. Ricky still looks at him like he’s something worth looking at. Even after seeing him at his worst countless times. Even after seeing Gyuvin for exactly who he is.
And who is he, exactly?
Gyuvin tries not to overthink it but he’s exhausted and weird and he would rather be doing anything else on earth than doing this live right now. He’s been thinking a lot of weird things like this recently, but he’s been shoving it back into the farthest depths of his mind and ignoring it to the best of his ability. He isn’t very good at it, because Gyuvin has never been good at compartmentalizing. He feels and he feels and emotions just overflow out of him.
He can’t fool himself. He tells himself that no one notices and he’s a lot better at pretending than he used to be, but anyone who cares about him even the slightest bit could tell. Everyone notices, but he just says he needs space.
Ricky’s sudden hand falling on top of his own brings him out of his thoughts. Gyuvin looks up from staring off into space and meets Ricky’s gaze. He’s staring at him again, like how he always does. Gyuvin feels a lot smaller at that moment. He’s happy that their hands are out of the camera’s view, and the world doesn’t get to see this small moment of intimacy.
Gyuvin’s never been good at reading minds, much less expressions. Ricky looks almost… sad? Worried? Concerned? Whatever it is, Gyuvin doesn’t like how it makes his stomach turn. He can’t be getting all emotional like this on camera. God, the company would never let him live it down and the members might start to pry too much and then Ricky will-
“I think it’s time we call it a night, Zerose.” Ricky turns back to the camera with a smile. “I’m getting a bit tired, and we need our rest so we can perform to our best ability, right?”
Gyuvin lets out the breath he’d been holding and immediately goes back into idol mode. Ricky is way too good at this, and he’s the biggest savior in the history of saviors. He owes him one, Gyuvin thinks. But he owes Ricky a million different things at this point. He adds it to the list.
“Yeah, we have a busy day planned tomorrow, Zerose!” Gyuvin forces a beaming smile, and it makes him shiver at how naturally it comes out.
“Goodnight, everyone.” Ricky winks at the camera.
Gyuvin and Ricky finish saying their goodbyes and end the livestream.
Ricky’s hand is still on top of his. Gyuvin takes a deep breath and runs his free hand through his hair. He can feel Ricky staring at him, but Gyuvin can’t look at him right now. He doesn’t know what he’ll react with. Would he cry? He’s not even sad. Why does the thought of looking at Ricky make him want to cry?
Gyuvin stands up from the couch, stretching. His hand feels a lot colder. His body aches. “That went well!”
Ricky places his hands on his lap, nodding slightly. “I’m sure they enjoyed seeing us together.”
Ricky’s always been more honest with stuff like that. Acknowledging fanservice. Gyuvin thinks it’s weird. How he acts with Ricky isn’t fanservice, it’s just how their friendship is. But, they’ve argued a few too many times about that. So, Gyuvin doesn’t bring it up much anymore. He still worries that Ricky may think he plays it up for the camera.
No, I just want the world to see how much I love you. Gyuvin said once. Ricky’s expression made him never want to say stupid stuff like that ever again. So, he hasn’t.
They get scolded for ending the livestream about fifteen minutes early. Why anyone cares about small things like that, Gyuvin doesn’t know. What he does know is that his bed has been calling out for him for the past week and once he’s back in the respite of his one safe-haven, he’ll finally be able to relax.
Ricky must be thinking a lot, too, because he doesn’t say anything the whole walk back to their dorms. Usually he’ll try to joke and tease Gyuvin as far as he can go, but tonight, he’s scarily quiet. That push and pull that’s always there isn’t tonight, and something about that makes Gyuvin’s mind race. Has he been so obvious? Is Ricky mad at him?
Gyuvin so badly wants to ask him why. Or even thank him for what he did earlier. Ricky deserves to know that Gyuvin is thankful for how much he looks out for him. Ricky knows him so well and he can see right through the facade. So, when did it get so hard to talk to him?
As they enter the dorms, Gyuvin almost makes a sprint for his room. Before he can, Ricky’s hand wraps around his wrist, pulling him back.
Gyuvin almost stumbles, looking at Ricky. “What?”
Ricky raises an eyebrow as his grip tightens. “Can we… hang out?”
Gyuvin almost snorts, shaking his head. “What? Hang out?”
Ricky sighs, looking away. He only does that when he’s nervous.
They’re standing in the middle of their dorms and anyone could walk by or hear them and that thought alone makes Gyuvin want to throw up. He’s had enough of being teased over his relatio-… over what Ricky and Gyuvin say and do to each other.
“I feel like we haven’t talked in a while.” Ricky says, short and sweet. “And I… I miss you.”
Gyuvin feels his heart start to beat a little faster. He’s sure it’s because he’s embarrassed about something. Maybe it’s from letting Ricky think that he needs to ask to spend time with him. Or rather, letting Ricky think he’d ever want to spend a moment without him. He supposes he hasn’t been acting like it recently.
“Sure, but I probably won’t be any good for conversation.” Gyuvin answers honestly. He’s exhausted and has spent every single second of today talking.
“That’s okay.” Ricky smiles softly. “We don’t need to talk.”
That contradicts what Ricky just said, but Gyuvin doesn’t feel like pointing that out. Instead, he starts walking to his room as Ricky follows behind. His hand is still wrapped around his wrist, dragging along behind him like a thousand-pound weight.
Gyuvin shuts the door after letting Ricky in, taking a second to calm himself before turning back around to face Ricky.
Ricky’s standing in front of him. He’s too close, but Ricky’s always too close yet never quite close enough. Right now though, he’s too close. Too close for what Gyuvin can handle.
“Are you okay?” Ricky asks. His eyes are piercing and his pout would be cute in any other circumstance. His lips are pursed every so slightly, like he’s thinking really hard.
Gyuvin laughs nervously, eyes darting around the room. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“Don’t deflect.” Ricky bites. He sounds… he can’t be mad, right? Gyuvin hasn’t done anything wrong. Has he? What did he do? Is Ricky upset with him? Is it because of how he’s been acting? It’s not on purpose, doesn’t Ricky see that?
“I’m fine, Ricky.” Gyuvin says, suddenly defensive and nervous. He’s starting to feel like a child again.
“You know you can’t lie to me so I never understand why you try to do it.” Ricky says, taking a step closer. He’s inches, no, centimeters away now. Gyuvin can feel his breath against his face. It should be gross, but the warmth is honestly a little reassuring. He could never get tired of this feeling, being so close to him.
Gyuvin laughs from exhaustion, shaking his head. For some reason he’s starting to get aggravated. He doesn’t want to talk about this right now. “I’m- Why can’t you just leave it be?”
Ricky’s hand wraps around Gyuvin’s wrist again, fingers trailing down to his palm. His voice is a lot softer now. “Because, you’re Gyuvin and I’m Ricky.”
“Thanks for stating the obvious.” Gyuvin mumbles, eyes glued to the side of Ricky’s head. He can’t look at him. “I must have hit my head and forgot.”
“Don’t get snarky with me, Qubing.” Ricky retorts as his other hand moves to cup Gyuvin’s cheek. His slender fingers caress his skin, sending chills down his spine. “Now, tell me what’s going on and stop acting like a baby.”
“Why are you acting like this?” Gyuvin sighs, eyes finally shifting to meet Ricky’s.
“Like what?” Ricky asks, confused.
“Like this is normal.”
“You’re going to have to explain. I can’t read your mind, you know.” Ricky says. He’s lying, Gyuvin thinks. He can always read his mind. He always does, at least.
How could he even explain? Truthfully, he doesn’t want to. It isn’t like he enjoys dwelling in his own misery, but he doesn’t like talking about it that much. He’s always positive and happy, at least on the outside. He knows Ricky is the last person he would ever need to wear a mask around, but he’s still rather reluctant to spill his guts and heart out.
“I’m just tired, Ricky.” Gyuvin says, voice low and spent. That isn’t a lie at all, but it’s not exactly every single thing he’s been feeling lately. It’s all he can offer him right now.
Ricky, who always takes pity on him, rubs his thumb over his cheekbone. “You’ve been working too hard. You need and deserve rest.” He whispers, spoken like a secret between the two.
“It doesn’t feel like it.” Gyuvin mumbles.
“What does that mean?” Ricky asks. “Please, tell me.”
“Ricky, I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Gyuvin says, frustrated. He’s not frustrated at Ricky, but just at the world in general right now. Being forced to confront his emotions is just making him more uneasy.
Ricky understands when to push and when to pull and when to just let him be. So, he smiles, something small and sad. “That’s okay, Qubing. I’m sorry if I… upset you. I didn’t mean to.”
Gyuvin lets out the breath he’d been holding and closes his eyes. Ricky feels so much more emotionally intelligent sometimes, like he knows so much more about the world and knows secrets about it that Gyuvin hasn’t quite figured out yet. “I’m just tired.” He says again. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Please, don’t… don’t apologize.”
Ricky wraps his arms around Gyuvin and pulls him into a sudden hug. He holds onto him tight, dropping his head into the crook of his neck.
Ricky doesn’t say anything. He just holds him there in silence as Gyuvin stands still. He eventually closes his eyes after the shock and wraps his arms around Ricky, hugging him back. He pulls him even closer, probably a little too tight.
He doesn’t care though, because he needed this and he needed Ricky. He needs Ricky at most times of the day, but especially now. He’d been so deprived and it was all his own doing. Not on purpose of course, but still kept apart.
Somehow they end up under the covers in Gyuvin’s bed. One minute they’re hugging in the middle of his room and the next they’re snuggling under the blankets. Ricky whispered something about ‘keeping him company for a bit’ and Gyuvin mumbled out in agreement as they fell together into the warmth and comfort of Gyuvin’s bed.
They haven’t laid together like this in a long, long time. He can’t even remember the last time he felt Ricky’s body against his like this, in a quiet and intimate spot away from the camera flash. Away from anybody else. He’d been too scared.
It’s always so much more different when they’re alone. He can act how he wants to without worrying about how anyone will react. He can fidget and pull and stretch and twitch and Ricky doesn’t mind. He can spill his heart and his mind and say stupid things and Ricky doesn’t judge him for it, rather he loves him even more because of it.
Gyuvin’s arms are wrapped around Ricky’s waist. His nose is rubbing against the back of Rick’s neck, lips pressed against the soft skin at the top of his spine. Ricky’s back is pressed firmly against Gyuvin’s chest, their legs both tangled together. He’s holding onto him like he’s a teddy-bear that he’s kept safe since childhood. In some ways, Ricky feels that important. He’s always been that important.
He should be sleeping, but he can’t help himself from thinking. He should probably be the one apologizing, telling Ricky about how hard everything has been for him lately. He doesn’t know how to start that conversation, though. Ricky’s always better at pulling metaphorical teeth out of him.
Right now, he’s trying to focus his thoughts on something else. Something he can feel.
Like Ricky’s chest rising and falling to the same rhythm of his own breathing. The way Ricky’s hair tickles his nose with every breath. How sweet Ricky smells and just how perfectly he always fits in his arms. How Ricky was made to fit in his embrace and he was made to hold Ricky like this. Like they’re something more than what they are. More than bandmates. More than friends. More than… than Ricky and Gyuvin.
When he thinks about things like that, though, he can’t stop himself from turning those thoughts into something… sadder.
Like how in a different life, these embraces could actually mean something more than they are. He could hold Ricky with the kind of intention he can only dream of. He could be so much braver than he is and let himself want openly. He could be the person Ricky deserves. He could be someone better.
“Ricky?” Gyuvin blurts out.
Ricky hums, shifting in his arms. “Yes?”
He doesn’t really know what he wants to say, if he wants to say anything at all. He just holds onto Ricky tighter, pulling him impossibly closer.
“I’m sorry.” He says.
“What for?” Ricky replies, voice small.
“I don’t know. Everything.” Gyuvin sighs against his neck, opening his eyes slightly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Qubing.” Ricky says, sweet and loving. “You’re just going through a hard time, isn’t that it?”
It’s such a simple comment, one that sums up how he’s been feeling lately. He’s been going through such a hard time and he lied to himself and believed that no one noticed. Yet, Ricky did. He noticed and he didn’t force or confront him into anything. He saw he was suffering and all he offered was his company. His friendship.
He must start crying, because his face feels wet and Ricky tenses up. The feeling must be cold and gross against his neck, but he doesn’t complain. Instead, Ricky turns his body in Gyuvin’s arms. He’s facing Gyuvin now, looking at him with a kind smile. His hands move to his cheeks, thumbs wiping away his tears.
“There’s nothing wrong with needing some time to grieve.” He says.
Gyuvin isn’t grieving anything. Not really, he hasn’t lost anyone. No one has died, so he doesn’t understand.
“I don’t get it.” Gyuvin chokes out, embarrassed by the whine in his tone.
“You’ve lost time.” Ricky says. “You’ve been working so hard, nonstop. How long has it been? Five years? Maybe six?”
Gyuvin starts to cry even harder, face contorting into something he feels is very ugly. Ricky just smiles, holding his face in his hands like he’s a bauble of light.
“Everything must be so hard on you.” Ricky says.
“It’s not just me,” Gyuvin says, “I’m not the only one going through a hard time.”
“So what?” Ricky asks. “You still deserve to have someone listen to you. Someone to care for you, too.”
Gyuvin isn’t quite sure how much he agrees with that. He’s supposed to be that person for other people. He has always been the one to listen and support and love and solve.
“Why do you think you don’t?”
Gyuvin doesn’t know how to reply to that, so he just pulls Ricky closer and starts sobbing into his chest. He’s getting snot and tears all over the fabric. Ricky rubs his back, arms wrapped around him tight. He’s whispering softly, small confirmations of love and support.
“It’s okay,” Ricky hums. His voice is always so perfect, so nice to listen to. It’s so calming and soft. He’s sure he could get addicted to hearing him talk. He’s never gotten tired of hearing it, and they’ve been friends for years now.
“I’m sorry,” Gyuvin mumbles again, muffled by Ricky’s chest.
“No apologies.” Ricky runs a hand through Gyuvin’s hair, nails dragging along his scalp in a calming manner. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”
Objectively, he feels like he has. He’s been drifting apart from everything and everyone and ignoring the people who care about him. He’s been ignoring Ricky ever since things got weird and hard to talk about.
He’s been so deprived of this feeling, of this care, that he can’t stop himself from getting even more emotional.
“I love you, Ricky.” Gyuvin says, voice wet.
Ricky smiles, pressing his lips to the top of Gyuvin’s head. “I love you, too. Always.”
Always, always, always.
If Ricky’s love was so easy to keep, why does Gyuvin feel like he’s going to run out of it? Sometimes, their relationship doesn’t feel like it’s stable. Like it’s unsustainable. It burns so bright and hot and sometimes Gyuvin thinks one of them will run out of fuel. Well, he’s scared that Ricky will. Gyuvin could never stop feeling like this towards Ricky. He’s always going to be revved up and ready to give Ricky whatever he wants.
His heart, his soul, his everything. If Ricky could just ask for it, Gyuvin could finally break that dam and let out all the feelings he’s been holding onto and hiding for three years. He wants to beg him sometimes, ask him to say what he means and wants for once. He supposes he isn’t any better at that.
What would Ricky think of him then? Would it still be okay? Could Gyuvin still hold Ricky like this, letting him into the deepest and darkest parts of his heart? Would Ricky still want to be his friend? Would any of that even matter anymore?
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Gyuvin chants, trying to pull everything from his heart. It spills out of him like a fountain that’s been threatening to burst. It shouldn’t hurt, but something about this does. It’s not going to change anything. It never does.
He just wishes for once it would.
Ricky just holds him in his arms, fingers carding through his hair.
They must lay like that for hours, words going unspoken. Ricky’s hands feel mending against his spine. They chart lines all over his body, running up and down the long expanse of his back until he eventually starts to let loose from the tension in his shoulders.
He’ll wake up tomorrow with the world unchanged. He’ll bounce back into schedules and pretend like everything is fine. He’ll be tired and struggling but he’ll be happy and positive.
Ricky will be there by his side and looking out for him like he always is. He owes him so much yet Ricky never demands any sort of repayment. He just looks at him and smiles. He smiles like he loves him and Gyuvin likes to tell himself that he really does.
He can pretend that Ricky loves him in a deeper, more intimate way. In a way that friends shouldn’t feel towards each other. Sometimes, when he’s especially tired, he can even imagine Ricky wanting him just as badly as he wants Ricky. He doesn’t like it when his thoughts dwell on that.
He’s happy with how things are. At least, he tells himself that.
“I love you, Gyuvin.” Ricky whispers one final time as Gyuvin drifts off into sleep.
Gyuvin’s arms tighten around him, face pressed against his chest. He takes a deep breath, inhaling Ricky’s sweet perfume. It’s faint, barely there. They both really should have showered, and Gyuvin will regret sleeping in jeans tomorrow morning.
He almost wonders if Ricky will even be there when he wakes up. Will he stay, or will he slip out in the middle of the night? Will he pretend like this never happened, or will he chase Gyuvin until he’s ready to tell him how he feels? Until both of them are ready to confront whatever tension exists inside their little world, untouched by anyone else?
He’s exhausted, so his mind finally gives up and lets him fall into a deep slumber. He says a silent prayer that Ricky set an alarm, because the last thing he needs is to be woken up by one of the other members. His face will be all puffy and it’ll obviously be from crying.
If Gyuvin dreams of anything that night, he doesn’t remember it in the morning. He’s used to weird dreams sometimes, but recently his mind has been too tired to come up with anything. He supposes that is better than having nightmares again.
He slowly starts to stir, feeling a light pressure against the top of his head. His arms are still wrapped around a lithe torso, face pressed into the deepest parts of Ricky he can reach.
Gyuvin doesn’t want to start crying at five in the morning, but his heart swells at the thought of Ricky staying the entire night. He held him sweetly, like a baby worth protecting. He’s something that Ricky wants to and actively cares for.
“Good morning, sleepy head.” Ricky whispers.
Gyuvin slowly shifts up, loosening his grip on Ricky. “Hi.”
Ricky’s hands slowly move to Gyuvin’s chest. One rests on the top of his heart and the other holds his cheek. “Did you sleep well?”
“Better than usual.” Gyuvin says, smiling up at Ricky.
“I wonder why,” Ricky teases, thumb dragging along Gyuvin’s bottom lip.
Gyuvin closes his eyes, relaxing underneath Ricky’s gaze. “We should probably get up now.”
“Five more minutes won’t hurt. They can start breakfast without us.” Ricky hums, the hand on Gyuvin’s chest massaging soft circles against the fabric of his t-shirt.
Gyuvin honestly might fall back asleep if he stays like this. He trusts Ricky to wake him up, though. So, he allows himself to relax against his touch and snuggles closer to him.
“Thank you,” Gyuvin whispers.
Ricky’s forehead softly presses against Gyuvin’s. They’re breathing each other in and are tangled in each other’s arms. Gyuvin could die like this and he could be happy about it. Eternally connected with him, soul and all.
“I love you,” Ricky whispers, even quieter. Only loud enough for Gyuvin to hear. The stars and the sky couldn’t hear this, could never even imagine knowing what this kind of love felt like. Gyuvin sometimes doesn’t know if he understands it fully.
He decides that he doesn’t need to. Whatever they have is enough. Whatever this is, whatever sort of disaster slowly brews the longer they prolong any sort of confrontation is okay.
As long as he can keep Ricky close to his heart and mind focused on everything that matters.
Those five minutes feel like forever. Ricky wakes him up with a kiss to the forehead. Gyuvin holds onto that feeling for the rest of the day.
When he’s back into the rhythm of work, his heart feels a little lighter than it did before.
He catches Ricky looking at him from across the room. He smiles, eyes glistening in the dim practice room light.
Gyuvin wonders how long that glimmer will last.
He smiles back.
For now, this is enough.