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“Dad. I miss Buck.”
This simple statement from Chris hit Eddie with more force than he thought it would.
“Yeah, I do too bud. I really do too. Should we call him after dinner? He should be off shift by then.”
“Yeah, I wanna call Buck.”
So that is what they did. When they finished dinner Eddie cleaned up the kitchen and set Chris up to facetime Buck. He’d pop in and out of the conversation, but mostly he listened. He felt funny. He couldn’t pin down why. He was aware of how much he missed his old life in L.A. He missed working at the station and being around his friends, his family, his… Buck. He missed Buck the most.
Sure they kept in almost constant contact. Facetime was a daily recurrence. Life had a new rhythm to it now. Texas had become more bearable with Chris in his house and his regular chats with his family from L.A. The house was coming along and he was doing fine at work. He still hadn’t heard anything from the fire station.
The phone call needed to end eventually. Chris had to get ready for bed. As he did Eddie chatted with Buck. Just simple mundane things, stories from the shift, what he had cooked/baked lately, funny stories of Jee and Maddie’s pregnancy, updates on Bobby and Athena’s home.
Chris came back and said goodnight to Buck, when Eddie stepped back he noticed just how tired and down Buck really looked. He had mentioned how physically exhausting this last shift had been. Eddie felt a tug in his heart. He knew he was being selfish not letting Buck go to sleep even if it was an hour later where he was, but he didn’t want to say goodbye. Now looking at the tired smile his best friend wore when wishing his son a goodnight he wished he was physically there to help him carry the weight and to be able to check on him the next day as soon as possible, which wouldn’t be possible. That hours difference didn’t seem like much but it tended to throw a wrench into checking on each other in the mornings.
He convinced Chris to finally go to bed, with help from Buck, and then he tried to convince Buck to hang up and go to sleep as well.
“I’m not that tired Eddie.”
“Yes you are Buck. I can see it in your eyes.”
“Well maybe I just don’t want to go to bed yet.”
Eddie paused.
They have been more open with each other about their emotions lately. Still, he hesitated a moment to gather courage to voice his emotions. He had an easier time doing so with Buck but it was still difficult and this time he felt a twitch in his gut that flittered up through his heart and got stuck in his throat. He shook his head and cleared his throat and said,
“I don’t want to either, but we both need to catch some sleep and take care of ourselves physically.”
“I know, you're right…”
He could hear the hesitation in Buck’s voice. He didn’t know if he was going to say what Eddie felt but Eddie figured he would lead the way just in case Buck needed help. He wanted to help Buck however he could and all he could do was offer his words.
“I miss you Buck.”
Tears started to prick his eyes. He could see it in Buck’s eyes too. They were both tired and they both missed each other. They’d become so close these past years, so vital to each other. Being in Texas was proving harder than he thought it would and he knew leaving would suck before he even found his house.
“I miss you too Eddie.”
That hit him.
He had said it before and he figured he would say it now. He knew Buck. So he knew how much it must be true. It still set his heart and gut into a flutter again. They had been doing that the last few phone calls, Eddie still couldn’t figure out why.
“So, We will talk soon. I promise, but you need rest for your next shift and so do I”, he laughed. He tried to drive in shifts since that's what his body knew and they had quickly made it into a slight joke between the three of them.
“Yeah, ok Eddie. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
It being made into a question killed Eddie. He smiled anyway.
“Yeah. Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
That night was a hard night. Eddie couldn’t go to sleep until he let the tears flow.
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Life continued on. The feeling didn’t lessen. He was able to carry it better but he slowly became aware that it was a new form of grief. He was confused when he figured that out. He was so happy to have Chris home. He felt good about their relationship and their bond. However, he didn’t expect to still feel empty. Why was he grieving? He’d figure out how to make it work. He had to.
His stomach would still flitter whenever he texted or called Buck. His heart would do flips when he saw his face on his screen. He felt the most calm when they would facetime while both were at home doing the same thing, cooking, laundry, talking with Chris, Buck still helped Chris with his homework over the phone, he coached Eddie with cooking, they watched movies together when possible. Sometimes they’d talk to the rest of the 118 when Buck was on shift. Sometimes they’d facetime during a 118 family dinner and get to see the others as well.
It’s not like Eddie wasn’t still in contact with the rest of his family. He was. He talked to them in texts, on Facebook, facetime. He kept in contact. He meant it when he said he wouldn’t let them stop being close all those years ago. It came naturally to still reach out even if it meant reaching out though text instead of in person.
He didn’t feel left out. He didn’t feel forgotten. He didn’t feel neglected. Yet his body only physically reacted whenever Buck was involved. He still felt the grief. Similar to when Chris left, but different. Similar to when Shanon left, but different.
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“Dad. I miss Buck.”
Eddie’s heart HURT.
“Yeah, I do too. He’s still on shift though. Do you wanna see if you can catch him at the station?”
“No, we’ve been texting, I know he is busy. I just miss his hugs and his food and just him. I miss Denny and his family, I miss Bobby and Athena, I miss my friends, I miss Maddie, Chim and Jee, I miss the 118. I miss L.A.”
“I do too bud.”
“Can we go visit?”
A zing went through Eddie. Why hadn’t he thought of that? A visit. He’d been doing fine on the job, he could take a long weekend off. He could plan it with Buck. Get a clipboard back in his hands. They could stay with him in their old house and be around their family if only for a short while. Maybe this is what he needed. He felt giddy thinking of all the things they could do. Even if there was a shift in the middle of the day Chris could visit his old friends, Eddie could visit his old favorite places. Oh this was going to be so much fun.
“Dad?”
Oh yeah. He never responded.
“Of course Chris. We can go visit. Why don’t you call Buck in a bit and see if there is a weekend that works for him. We can check in with Hen and see if Denny is down for a hang out at the same time.”
“Awesome! Thanks Dad!”
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It was just what they needed.
The instant overwhelming joy that took over Buck’s whole face and being when they told him they wanted to come for a visit made Eddie’s whole body warm. He couldn’t stop smiling. They started planning that very second. The phone was passed around the whole gang. Bobby to figure out what weekend worked best for some time off and for a 118 family hang out, Hen to see what time and date that weekend would be best for a hang out, Chimney just because he was excited and Chris missed his jokes, and Buck. Buck was full of ideas and plans and suggestions, however, they had to go back out on a call so it had to be put on hold for a while.
“Fly or drive?” Buck asked over the phone while he had his laptop in front of him.
“If we fly I don’t have a car in L.A., if I drive it will take more days for travel back and forth, we might not be able to stay as long.”
“Fly it is then”, Buck says and starts typing. “I see some flights for that Thursday after school if Chris can take the Friday off from school tha-”
“Wait. Buck. What about me not having a car in L.A. I don’t think I can swing a rental. I’ve got to keep this as low budget as possible.”
“That’s fine, That’s why I’m here. I can pick you up, drive you around, and take you back. If I can’t, you can use my truck.”
“That’s a lot to ask Buck.”
“You didn’t ask. I offered.”
Eddie hesitated.
“Eddie, take the offer, take a break from driving, stay here longer… please.”
The ‘please’ sealed the deal. His heart felt a pull and he couldn’t say no.
“Ok. I’ll fly. Yes Chris can miss that Friday and if you can drop us at the airport before shift on Monday we can stay that extra half day. Two days won’t matter too much.”
Getting a clipboard in Buck’s hands was beneficial at some points. Eddie tended to roll his eyes affectionately at times, but within no time the trip was planned, booked, and Eddie had something to look forward to again. In just a few days they’d be back in L.A..
Having that made the time go easier. His grief was lessened considerably. His shifts passed faster, his daily facetimes with Buck were lighter. Chris seemed lighter as well. It gave Eddie a slight twinge in his chest. He’d have to make sure they made more trips to L.A. He’d have to set aside a a monthly chunk of money. Hopefully he would hear back from the station in El Paso soon so he’d be able to afford that kind of budget.
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“Dad. Buck is going to be waiting for us right?”
“Yes, Chris. He will be there.”
“I’m excited.”
“Me too bud. Less than an hour.”
“Less than an hour and then we get back to Buck.”
“Then we get back to Buck.”
They smiled at each other and then readjusted their headphones to continue their separate entertainment.
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It felt so good to be back in Buck’s arms.
That’s not something Eddie thought he’d think but he didn’t really think about it too much. The last time they had seen each other in person they had hugged and Eddie had missed it every day of the many weeks since so… screw it. A hug from his best friend could last a bit longer than they normally would have. It had been a while. Sue him.
Eddie couldn’t stop smiling. None of them could. Any time he looked at Buck or Chris he saw matching smiles on their faces. The whole way back to the house. It was nice to be back with Buck; to be able to watch the sights pass by and see his boys smiling and laughing and rambling on and on about random fun facts about things they loved. He didn’t interject much. He listened and watched and took note of how calm, peaceful, and joyful he felt. His new grief wasn’t there. Time would tell if it was gone for good. He doubted it, but he wasn’t wishing it back with any promptness.
As they pulled up to the house Eddie felt a little teary eyed. He had missed his little home. He knew the inside was different, he had seen it on facetime. However the outside looked the same. He was happy to be home.
They unloaded their luggage and rolled it into the house and Eddie’s shoulders relaxed. He took a deep breath. It smelled the same but with much more Buck involved than before. Buck quickly took Chris and his things to his old room to show him how he had made it into a guest room specifically for him. Eddie melted a little at how much love Buck held for Chris. He wandered behind them slowly taking it all in. It was significantly different in the decor, everything being Buck’s, yet it felt the same. There were still pictures of himself and Chris in the house. He liked it. It felt cozy and peaceful.
“I like what you’ve done with the place” he says to Buck when he makes it back to where Eddie had wandered.
“I didn’t really do anything different. It’s just my stuff.” Buck admits looking sheepishly at Eddie.
Eddie smiles at him, but before he can continue Buck’s face changes into guilt. What does he have to feel guilty about? Eddie wonders as Buck opens his mouth to speak.
“I forgot something.”
“What?”
“I forgot an air mattress. I was planning on grabbing one and setting it up in the corner of the living room and sleeping on it while you were here, but I got too busy with all the fun stuff and spaced it till just now while looking at your stuff.”
“It’s fine Buck.”
“I can take the couch. At least for tonight.”
“Buck, no. It’s fine.”
“You’re not sleeping on the couch in your house.”
“Buck it's no-”
“You’re going to take the bedroom Eddie. I’ll sleep on the couch. I’ve done it before I can do it again.”
“Fine. Buck. I’ll take the bed, but really you could just bunk with me.”
“Are you sure?”
Eddie put his hand on the top of Buck’s shoulder and said looking into his eyes, “We’ve shared a bed before. A couple of times. Besides, It’s only for a couple of days.”
They stayed that way for a minute. Eddie, taking it all in. The fact that he was in front of Buck, back home, and could touch him and look at him without a screen in front of his face.
Buck stared back. Eddie wasn’t sure what was going on with his face but he wasn’t complaining.
Eventually, Buck looked away and Eddie dropped his hand to go pick up his bag. He picked it up and lugged it into his old room/ Buck’s room. He dropped it on his side of the bed, picking up old habits from covid days and that drive to and from to help out with the Texas fire when they met the 126.
He looked around the room. It was laid out the same as when he lived here just like the rest of the house, but everything was Buck’s in Buck’s style. It looked nice. He watched as Buck came in. He looked around while Buck stayed in the doorway. There were more pictures of family in here. Eddie was pleased to see photos of himself and Chris in this room as well as the public rooms.
“I was about to go make dinner. Are you sure you don’t mind sharing a room? I can see if Maddie and Chim has a mattress or maybe Hen, I’m sure Bobby and Athe-”
“Buck!” Eddie stops him with a hand in the air and a smile on his face. “I am sure. This is the easiest solution. It makes the most sense. What are you making for dinner?”
Buck accepted the change of conversation and briefed Eddie on his dinner plans. When he left, Eddie wandered into Chris’ room to see him unpacking into a dresser Buck had set up. His room looked like his room before but older and with Buck’s taste and influence.
“Wow. This is a nice room. It’s very you and Buck.”
Chris smiled. “I like it. I wish my Texas room was this cool.”
“Oh yeah? I see how it is.” Eddie joked with him as he went to help him unload his clothes into what could only be looked at as a perfectly Chris room. It had a bigger bed, for other guests, but it was styled and furnished for Chris. It did things to Eddie physically, emotionally, and mentally.
“Buck is making dinner so hurry up to the table soon ok?”
“Ok.”
Eddie made his way to the kitchen. “How can I help?”
“Don’t.”
“I’ve gotten better in the kitchen and I was never as bad as you guys joke I am.”
“I know, but I'm in a rhythm and I don’t really need help. Plus you just got done travelling. I’ve been off for hours so I'm not tired, I also changed the organization of things in the kitchen so you don’t actually know where things are either. Just stand there and look pretty. That’s all I need from you. Just being here is enough.”
Eddie looked around to give him time to school his face and maybe hide a blush if his cheeks warming up would even be a noticeable visual difference. That was an interesting reaction. He didn’t fight Buck on his words though. He sat at the counter and watched Buck make food like he had done countless times. Even over facetime he had watched this. He didn’t realize how much he missed watching Buck in his zone, being able to smell the amazing smells of his cooking, and the small mannerisms he had gained from Bobby that you would only notice if you knew them both.
Something else caught his attention as well, just how much Chris acted like Buck, as he watched he saw things Chris had picked up over the years from Buck coming out now in Buck. It amazed him. It became more evident when Chris joined them in the kitchen and they started bantering and joking back and forth. These two had so much in common. Eddie had known this. But now, watching them, Eddie was shocked over how much they acted like a father and son. They even looked like each other, the same way that Buck looked like Bobby, even though they weren't physically father and son. This did something to Eddie. It settled something down and stirred up something new.
The rest of the night went by in a joyful blur. They chatted and ate dinner, cleaned up, and watched a movie. All very normal things. Chris went off to bed eventually. This left Buck and Eddie facing each other on opposite sides of the couch talking to each other. Eventually Eddie stopped talking. He watched Buck and fought sleep. He didn’t notice when Buck stopped talking. He didn’t know how long they just sat there watching each other in silence. He only noticed that is what they had been doing when Buck spoke again.
“You need to go to bed Eddie. You’re falling asleep.”
“I’m good. I don’t want to stop hanging out. I’ve missed this.” Wow Eddie must be more tired than he thought for that to just flow.
Buck just smiled and said, “well we are sharing a room so why don’t we just go to bed and talk in there?”
“Ok. I’ll go if you go”, Eddie said smiling.
Buck rolled his eyes and got up. He grabbed Eddie’s arm and hauled him up from the couch. He let go when he was sure Eddie wouldn't fall over. Eddie patted his arm to show him he was fine. He let his hand drift down Buck’s arm and catch on his hand. He held it and started to walk off to bed. Buck followed silently. They got ready for bed together and chatted a little bit more about the next day as they climbed into bed. They laid there facing each other and Eddie finally, quicker than he had in months, slipped into a peaceful sleep without effort.
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When Eddie woke up the next day he was very warm and very comfortable. He went to stretch and found he couldn’t. He was trapped by very heavy limbs. He didn’t panic. He’d been here before. Buck had warned him the first time they had to share a bed that he tended to cling to whoever he shared a bed with. He joked that Maddie called him a heat seeking octopus when they were young and had shared beds when they travelled.
Eddie smiled and just stayed there for a minute. He was the happiest he had been in far too long. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy. That alarmed him a bit. He wondered what about this exact situation made him so comfortable and wholly content. He felt he was on the verge of revelation when he heard the sounds of Christopher getting up and going to the bathroom. He figured he should get up and get Chris some breakfast so they could start the day as soon as Buck was awake. They had a big 118 dinner tonight and he knew Buck had big plans for a trip to the zoo beforehand while also expecting to have time to make and bake delicious foods to take to the dinner. He’d need to make the most of the morning to keep Buck on track time wise.
He used his previous training to get out from Buck’s limbs without waking him up and while he missed the heat as he left he didn’t miss being able to see Buck peacefully asleep, perfectly healthy, and so alive first thing in the morning. He walked into the hallway towards the bathroom and Chris exited right before he got there.
“Hey bud. Buck is still asleep so I figured we’d let him sleep since we are on El Paso time. Why don’t you get dressed for the day and I’ll get breakfast going.
“Aww man. I wanted a Buck breakfast.”
“Maybe tomorrow kid. He’s out cold and he’s got big plans today. Tomorrow is slower. Plan for it then.”
“Fine I guess.”
Eddie went to the bathroom then went to the kitchen and started to make a very basic but healthy and fulfilling breakfast. It took him a while to figure out where things were but the layout did make sense to him eventually, once he looked through his ‘Buck eyes’. Buck emerged when the coffee and the bacon started to smell up the house.
“You made breakfast?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
Buck just smiled at him. How’d you know where to find things?
“I watched you last night and I know you well enough to guess where you’d put stuff in your kitchen. You often told me how to make my kitchen more efficient when you cooked here before.”
They smiled at each other.
“Hey Buck!” Chris greeted as he came into the kitchen.
Buck’s eyes slowly left Eddie’s to land on Chris and Eddie watched him breathe deeply and smile at Chris with calm joy. “Hey Chris. Good morning. How’d you sleep?”
“Better than I have in a loooong time.” Chris replied.
“Same here”, Buck added as he gave Chris a hug and they sat down together. They immediately started talking about the zoo and all the things they wanted to do today before the 118 dinner tonight. Eddie listened as he finished the food. Making plates for everyone. Buck went to the coffee and made them both a cup. He helped Eddie take the food to the table. As they sat and Eddie took a sip of his coffee he sighed with pleasure. It was perfect. Of course Buck would make it perfectly to Eddie's liking. Not too sweet, but enough to feel like an indulgence. Buck was spoiling him. Eddie didn’t even make his coffee this nice for himself very often. It seemed to take too much time and he didn’t usually need a nice coffee these days.
So the time went quickly. Buck cleaned up after breakfast while Eddie got ready for the day and then they switched places. Eddie didn't have much to do which turned out to be fine because Buck was ready quicker than expected.
“I’m just really excited to have my Diaz boys back.” he said when Eddie said as much. “I don’t want to waste any time while you're here.”
They had a blast at the zoo. Eddie had never had this much fun following his boys around and listening to all the facts they said every single time they’d come to the zoo. Time flew while they were having fun. Eventually Eddie had to hurry them along so they could make their other stops and get things ready for the dinner.
Halfway through the day Eddie was struck by how well everything was going. How well the three of them flowed together. How, even with all this time apart, Buck could still read him and he could still read Buck. They were still partners. The time for the dinner had come and they were at Bobby and Athena’s house with time to spare.
After hugs and warm welcomes Buck took Chris to the back yard to chill with Athena who Chris had missed more than Eddie had expected and Bobby gave Eddie a tour of the new layout.
“I’m glad you came back Eddie. Even if it is just for a little while. We have all missed you so much. Buck however, really needed this.”
“What do you mean?”
“He has had the hardest time out of all of us with you being gone.”
“I thought he was doing fine. Him and Ravi seemed to find a flow.”
“Yes, he is doing fine. He has handled it very well. However, to me, it looked like he lost a bit of his energy and sparkle. Some of his light dimmed. As time went on it didn’t seem to get better. It came back with a vengeful force when you and Chris called to say you wanted to come home.”
“Oh.” was all Eddie could respond with.
“I love Buck like a son; as I'm sure you are well aware.”
Eddie nodded so Bobby would continue.
“Which means I watch him very closely. He was trying and he was succeeding to be ok and be mature. Especially at work. However he lost some of his joy. I’m glad you were able to bring it back. I just wish it was for longer. Not entirely for Buck’s benefit either. I’ve missed you as well. The family dynamic isn’t the same without you Eddie. I’ll admit. Poor Ravi had to deal with me calling your name out instead of his for probably far too long.
They stood in silence for a while. Until Bobby continued.
“I’m just glad to see you again. I hope I get to see you around more in the future, no matter what you do. You will always have a place with us if things should change. Even at work. That will never be an issue. I’ll save your space.”
Eddie couldn’t help it. He hugged Bobby again with a force he didn’t know he possessed. Bobby held him till he was ready to let go. Eddie stayed till he was sure he wasn’t crying. They patted each other on the back and went back to the others. The rest of the 118 family had shown up by that time and Eddie was getting hugged all around by his family. The tears leaked out from time to time. He couldn’t help it. He was loved and he was home and he had missed being physically next to these people.
They sat down for dinner, ate, chatted, laughed, and joked the whole night. It was as if time had never passed. Eddie got more hugs that night than he had in so long. He was never alone. Buck didn’t leave his side for longer than two minutes. He was grateful to have his solid presence next to him.
When the night ended his head was swimming with all the ‘welcome back’ and ‘we’ve missed you so much’ comments Eddie had heard repeated by his friends. Finally people started to clean up and leave. Maddie came up to Eddie to give him a hug as her family was leaving.
“Thank you for coming and visiting Eddie.” She said softly into his ear as they hugged.
“Of course Maddie. It’s great to see you all again.”
“Yes. But I meant for Buck. He hasn’t been this happy in such a long time. He has been brave for me while I’ve recovered” Eddie couldn’t help but glance at the scar on her neck, he remembered that time right before he left and Buck’s updates on her after he had moved. “But we’ve talked about it enough for me to know he is missing you more than even he might be aware of. I don’t know, maybe he does know now, but won’t say it. I do know it’s doing him some good to have you back home. Seeing him truly happy again makes my big sister heart happy and at peace.”
He hugged her again and she smiled and patted his arm as she walked out the door.
Eddie knew Buck talked with Maddie about everything, but for her to say he’s not being 100% truthful with her had Eddie curious about why. What was Buck hiding?
That thought stayed with him as they went back home. He watched Buck closer than before. Trying to match his face now with his face over the past few weeks to see if there was a difference. He could admit that sometimes when he talked with Buck, Buck didn’t look as happy as he had in the past, but Eddie had shrugged that off as Buck being tired. Now, he wasn’t so sure.
“Are you ok Eddie?” Buck asked after Christopher had gone to bed and they got ready for sleep themselves.
“Yeah, I’m great. Why ask?”
“You are staring at me very intensely. Like you are trying to solve a puzzle.”
“Are you doing ok Buck?” slips out of Eddie without thinking.
“What? Yeah, I’m fine. I’m great right now.” Buck says as he slides into bed.
Eddie follows his actions and gets into bed next to Buck not really thinking too much about it as he is still worried about Buck. He faces him and says, “But how have you been lately?”
He watches as Buck’s face goes through several emotions. Some things Eddie can identify, some are new to him. He hasn’t seen all of these parts of Buck before.
“I’ve been doing my best.” Buck says after a moment in such a small voice that Eddie can’t not reach out and touch him.
His hand lands on Buck’s arm. Buck’s eyes find Eddie’s and they stay that way as their conversation continues.
“I know you have Buck. You’ve had so much happen to you lately. I know I’ve played a part in it. I’m sorry for that. I wish I didn’t have to go, but I had to, for Chris and I know you know that. You kept fighting for us to be together. You kept pushing me. I couldn’t have gotten this far with him without your help and influence and for that I really want you to know just how grateful I am that you are in my life. Any time I’ve needed you, you have been there. Even with me now in Texas you still are there. I just want to know if you’re doing ok here and if there is anything I can do to help you. I want to show up for you Buck in whatever way I can. What can I do to help you feel better?”
“The fact that you came back to me, if even for just a weekend, means more to me than you know. I have a hard time when people leave me. You know this. Until Maddie none of them ever came back. even after that people still leave me and never come back. You did. You came back. You came here. Just because you wanted to. That. That is all I needed. I’m going to miss you so much when you leave again. So, I just want to enjoy this while it’s happening. Can we do that?”
“Of course Buck. Of course we can. What do we have planned for tomorrow?”
“Not much. It’s Saturday. Maddie and the 118 have to go to work but Karen has the day off and Christopher and Denny have plans. I know Chris has also made plans with his other friends. I think Denny may tag along but I'm not sure.
“Wait. There is a shift scheduled for tomorrow?” I thought it was a long weekend.”
“Well for me it is. I took the day off when we figured out the schedule.”
“Why? Chris is going to be busy with Denny and his other friends most of the day.”
“To hang out with you Eddie. I love Chris, sure, but you are my best friend. I want to hang out with you.”
“Even if we don’t have any plans?”
“Even if we just sat and did nothing or worse did laundry I would still want to hang out with you. Yes. I like having you around Eddie. Why wouldn’t I?”
“You’re too nice to me Buck.”
“You’re not nice enough to yourself Eddie.”
“Thank you Buck.”
“Thank you Eddie. Thank you for coming back.”
“No place else I’d rather be.”
“Do you really mean that or are you just being too nice to me?”
“I really mean it, Buck. I really, really mean it.”
Silence followed and slowly they fell asleep. Eddie never let go of Buck’s arm.
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When Eddie woke up the next morning he had Buck all around him again. This time, without thinking, he burrowed into Buck’s body even deeper and went back to sleep. Chris would be fine until Buck woke up to make breakfast. Eddie wanted to stay like this a little bit longer.
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When Eddie woke up for the second time Buck was gone. He could hear soft talking coming from the kitchen, along with the smell of good coffee. He stretched his limbs. He missed the heat and weight of Buck around him. The bed was still warm, sure, but being next to Buck always made Eddie feel safe. Probably because of how many times Buck had been the one to save him as well as Buck being a large presence in general and always so warm. He slowly allowed himself to wake up while looking around the room and feeling so secure and content. He got up, went to the bathroom and wandered into the kitchen where Buck and Chris were already eating.
“Eddie! Morning.”
“Hey Dad! Good morning.”
“Good morning back to you two.”
“Food is still warm and I already made you a coffee.”
“Oh, Thank you. I love when you make breakfast.” Eddie sat down and Buck handed him a mug that smelt divine. As he took a sip it was even better and more perfect than the one from the day before. Probably because Buck had done every step instead of just the last few. He sighed and looked back at Buck who had a soft smile on his face. ‘I love you’ flew so fast through Eddie’s mind that he barely held the words inside. He almost said it out loud as he looked into Buck’s eyes.
This shocked him and sent a zing through him that was more powerful than the coffee. He was wide awake now.
As breakfast continued Eddie sat and inspected that thought. It was natural that he would love Buck. They are best friends. You don’t have a best friend you don’t love. You wouldn’t be best friends if there was no love there. You wouldn’t even be good friends if there was no love there. So why did this thought zing through Eddie with so much force?
It stayed in the back of his mind as they both cleaned up, got ready for the day, and drove Chris over to hang with Denny. They stayed so they could chat with Karen for a while.
Eddie noticed that Karen was eyeing him a bit more than she ever had before. There was a moment that Christopher and Denny had wrangled Buck into doing something for a moment, which wasn’t an uncommon thing, and while he was with them in the other room Karen brought her chair closer to Eddie.
“What’s going on with you Eddie? You look different from last night.”
“I don’t know. I had a thought this morning that shouldn’t have shocked me, but really did and I don’t know why.”
“What was it?”
“Well, Buck made breakfast this morning,” Eddie stops to look around to make sure nobody else heard what he was about to say, “and he makes the best coffee. When I drank it and looked back at him my first thought was ‘I love you’. Which by itself is not weird. Who doesn’t love Buck? He’s great. I know I love him. He is my best friend after all.”
“So what about it was shocking?”
“That’s just it. I don’t know. It was a forceful thought. It shook me a bit.”
“Hmmm.” Karen says back as she sips her drink.
“What?”
“Well, in what way do you love Buck?”
“What?!”
“I’m just saying, if it was more powerful than usual, has something changed for you in the way you love Buck?”
“I- I don-”
“You don’t have to answer me Eddie. You don’t have to know the answer for it right now. Maybe just think about it while you’re still here, with Buck.”
So, Eddie decided to listen, even if his first reaction is just to shove it down and ignore it. He is curious. Luckily he had some time after that before Buck made it back to the table. Eddie inspected the warmth that filled him as Buck came back to the table and started to ramble about what the boys were doing and how he got involved.
Had the way he loved Buck changed somehow? He has been so preoccupied with Chris, missing out on his life, moving back to El Paso, and getting Chris back. He hadn’t given the sadness too much thought. Maybe now, with Buck physically next to him again, he could address it and not have it pull him under.
Eventually, Chris needed to make it to the hang out with his friends from school. He had stated that Eddie and Buck couldn’t stay with him this time. So, they dropped him off and decided to go to the station and check in on their friends at work.
Eddie had missed the station. Walking back into it felt so relaxing. The station in El Paso had its charms, but this station, this station was special. He felt it the moment he came back. He missed it. He didn’t realize how much till he saw his old coworkers going about their day. Looks like they had just come back from a call not too long ago and were taking care of things.
“Hey Diaz! Nice to see you.”
“Are you back Diaz?”
“Hey Eddie! What’s up my guy? We’ve missed you round here.”
Buck went on ahead to the loft while Eddie said high to some of the firefighters on the lower level stating that he was just back for a visit and wanted to check to make sure they survived without him.
He made his way to the loft after a minute or two. He found Buck in the kitchen with Bobby. Of course that’s where he went.
“Hen and Chim are finishing up something in the ambulance. They’ll be up in a second.” Bobby responded when Eddie made it to the top and looked around. “We were called out during lunch so you two are right on time to set up late lunch. Wanna help set stuff up?
“For sure Cap. What are my orders?” Eddie responded with a smile not even noticing how well he slipped back into listening to Bobby’s directions. Soon enough everyone had gathered upstairs and they were sitting and eating lunch. Eddie found himself between Buck and Hen.
Hen leaned over and asked, “How was hanging out with Karen this morning Eddie?”
Eddie looked at her for a moment, noticing the slight glint of a known secret in her eyes.
“She told you, didn't she?”
“She is my wife after all.” Hen responded. Something about that statement pinged within Eddie. She continued with, “Just know this. Whatever you’re feeling, Don’t ignore it. If you’re confused, talk about it. I know you’ll eventually think you can’t because your person you go to is the person it’s about, but you have others to talk to. Me, Karen… Maddie” she adds the last name with a tone and a look that makes Eddie think he should indeed talk to Maddie because Maddie knows things. “Before you overthink it. Just know, we love you and we can be your sounding board. Ok?”
“Ok. Thank you Hen. I will try to remember that.”
“Try to remember what? Buck asks, leaning into Eddie’s space.
The fact that Eddie doesn’t even think about leaning away from Buck should tell him something. Having Buck this close to his face is not something he ever wondered about before. Now… something is stirring.
It’s not long before the 118 is called out. Buck and Eddie clean up as they leave. Chatting and working together as they always do. Inside and outside of this station.
“I’ve missed this place.” Eddie says as he takes a moment to look around while Buck is finishing up putting things away.
“This place has missed you too.” A beat of silence. “Hey, have you uh, have you heard anything from that captain?”
“No. Nothing yet. I called him back almost two weeks ago.”
“You did? Why?”
“Just to check in. See if anything has changed. He said the same thing as last time. He can’t hire anyone new, but when he can he’d love to have me on board and will give me a call.”
“That- that’s great news Eddie.”
They were just standing in the loft, alone. Listening to the sounds. Staring at each other, close, not moving.
“Yeah, So I guess it’s just a waiting game. I’m doing fine with the driving. I guess I’ll just keep doing that until I hear from him, keep my options open.”
“Keep your options open? Are you thinking of turning the job down?
“Well,… I hadn’t till you said that. At least not consciously. I don’t know what I’d do besides being a firefighter.”
The amount of time they stood there staring at each other is unknown. Eddie didn’t know what to say next and it looked like Buck didn’t either.
Eddie couldn’t stand it. He felt. He felt he needed to do something. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to reach out for Buck and be held in his embrace. He was starting to second guess everything he thought he had under control and it didn’t sit well inside of him.
When he stopped just staring and really looked at Buck he could see he was conflicted as well. It looked like a war was going on right behind his eyes and his body was eerily still as if he had frozen himself into place, afraid of what he would do if not frozen. That made Eddie’s mind up for him. He needed to help Buck. He needed to break the tension. First he had to look away. He took a breath, closed his eyes, and turned his head away. This way when he opened his eyes he wouldn’t be looking at Buck but he wouldn’t have to face him while actively looking away. That thought hurt him and he didn’t know why.
“I think we should go home.” Eddie said while looking at the stairs.
He could feel Buck defrost next to him.
“Uh, Ye-yeah. I guess we should. What do you want to do when we get there?”
“I’m not sure. Let’s brainstorm ideas on the drive.”
Buck started to walk away and Eddie watched as he passed him and watched as he walked down the stairs. He took another deep breath, looked around the loft one more time, held on to that pang of longing to be back in this place, and then followed Buck back down and out of the station. He paused and looked back once more before he left.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Eddie didn’t brainstorm ideas on the drive back. By the silence Buck didn’t either.
Eddie wanted to say something. He didn’t know what though. He kept thinking about what Hen and Karen had told him today. Maybe he needed to call 911. He needed a Buckley’s cutting advice but Maddie was probably still at work. She should be home soon though.
Did the way he love Buck change? What has changed? He’s been separated from him lately. He started to look at that. His grief hadn’t gone away when he got Chris back. Or maybe his Chris grief had, but something else was there he hadn’t paid attention to before. He knew it was grief. What was he grieving? His life in L.A.? Sure, but that didn’t sound right. His old job? Maybe, he could have that same job in El Paso… that thought made him feel worse. He had told them if they hired him he would never leave. Did he want to leave? Could he leave? Chris was back with him, Chris had started a life in El Paso, but Chris had a life here in L.A. Yes. L.A. That felt better. Ok. Follow L.A. It had something to do with here. He was grieving something here. He supposed the thing he missed the most was Buck. That wasn’t a secret. Was he grieving Buck? Yes, that had to be it. He had missed Buck so much it was like when Shannon and Chris had left. But Buck hadn’t left him… Eddie had left Buck. Buck had said as much last night. Eddie hated that he was another person to walk out on Buck. But he hadn’t! He stayed in contact! Was that enough? His heart immediately said no, not enough. He had come back. Buck said he was just happy he came back. Eddie could keep coming back. How sustainable was that? How often could he do that? How long before it became too much? But he couldn’t just move back to L.A. He didn’t have a house here and he did in El Paso. He’d have to sell that one. He couldn’t afford to rent anywhere else. He could live with Buck. He liked that idea… would Buck be ok with having a roommate again? Ugh. Roomate. That sounded so wrong. No, he couldn’t be Buck’s roomate. Buck. What about his love for Buck? Buck was still his favorite, non Chris, person. He could not imagine his life without Buck. He was too important. He loved Buck. He loved him a lot. Was- was he-?
Was he in love with Buck?
Eddie’s heart started to race at the thought. How could he be in love with Buck? He was straight wasn’t he? He had never felt this way about anyone else in so long. Not Marisol, especially not Ana, Shannon sure. He had loved Shannon. He married her, had a family with her, how could he not love her. He grieved her. He always assumed that was why his other relationships had faltered. That whole thing with Kim proved to him that he wasn’t past it. But Buck. Buck had been there through it all. Eddie had found himself, next to Buck. Buck who always seemed to know just how to help Eddie. Buck who loved Chris instantly. Buck who brought sunshine into their lives and had saved them time and time again. Buck who put Chris first just like Eddie did. Buck who always fought to keep them together. Buck who was a gift to their family. Buck who he had lost before and felt like he couldn’t properly process the world till he saw his blue eyes again. Buck, who he hadn’t been able to contact before and knew how much it sucked. Buck whose heart had started again right under Eddie’s crushing hands. Buck who is healthy and alive and right next to him, right now, but in the past as well. He looked at Buck. He had his concentration face on as he drove through the city. Eddie smiled. He felt pure joy when looking at Buck.
Oh.
Joy.
His conversation about juice and joy came back to him in a flash. He was told he was denying himself joy. He saw the wisdom in that moment. It had fueled his decision to go to Texas to be with Chris. Yet, he still didn’t feel pure joy till Chris and himself took this trip. Till they came back to Buck.
He was in love with Buck.
He was so confused but looking at Buck while thinking I am in love with you felt right. His whole self settled at that moment. That revelation he had been searching for cleared his eyes. He had a great and lasting love right in front of him. Those things he had looked for after Shannon, they were right next to him, in Buck.
However, he didn’t know if Buck felt the same. He didn’t want to assume that since Buck had dated Tommy and now knew of his attraction to men that he would automatically have feelings for Eddie who up until this moment had thought of himself as straight. He had only loved two people though. Shannon and Buck. So maybe he wasn’t straight. That was fine with him. He could figure that part out later. First he had to figure out what to do with the in love with Buck part. What should he do?
Before he can figure it out his phone starts ringing.
“Oh. It’s probably Chris needing a ride.” Eddie muttered even though that wasn’t his Chris ringtone. “Or not. It’s Captain Morales.” Eddie looked at Buck who looked terrified. He answered. He looked out the windshield away from Buck’s face.
“Hello?”
“Edmundo, It’s Captain Morales. I was calling to offer you a position in our station. We just got the news today that we were ok to make a hire. Are you available to come to the station?”
“Umm. I’m actually on vacation with my son in L.A. right now. We won’t be back till Monday night.”
“Oh. That’s ok. I guess I should ask, with you being back in L.A. Do you still want this position?”
Eddie looked at Buck, He looked like he was struggling but containing it. What was going on with him? Eddie looked out the window. “Can I let you know when I get back to town?”
“Sure. I look forward to speaking again. Thank you Edmundo.”
“Thank you, Captain. I’ll see you soon.”
“Enjoy your trip. Bye”
“Thank you sir. Bye.”
“So you got the job?”
Eddie looked back at Buck. He was looking ahead and wringing his hands against the steering wheel.
“Uh, Yeah I guess so. If I say yes.”
Buck quickly looked to Eddie then back to the road.
“Why wouldn’t you say yes? Haven’t you been waiting for him to call?”
“Yes.”
“Then why not tell him you’ll do it?”
“I’m keeping my options open.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“What?”
“You’re just as confused as I am” Eddie responds as he grabs Buck’s phone which is pinging with texts from Maddie. “Looks like Maddie is finally off shift and needs your help with something at her place.”
“Are you ok with going there instead of home?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. Chris will need to be picked up soon anyway.”
So much for being at home and figuring this out with Buck. Maybe it’s a good thing they’re going to Maddie’s. Maybe Eddie can talk to her for a moment.
When they got to Maddie’s she put Buck to work right away doing things she said needed to be done but Chimney wouldn’t let her do this late in her pregnancy. Eddie made her tea and kept her company and distracted Jee while she bossed Buck around. He could see Clipboard Buck was more like Clipboard Buckleys.
A few minutes in, Chris texted.
“Chris needs a ride.”
“Can I go with you to see Chris?” Jee asked so sweetly while hugging him that Eddie melted just a little bit.
“Uh, we were going to go home afterwards Jee...” Buck looked at Eddie for help. Eddie saw his moment. He took it.
“I have a better idea Jee. What if you, Uncle Buck, and Christopher all went and got a treat after you picked up Chris. Your mommy and I will wait for you, here” he leaned in and loudly whispered as if it was a secret, “and you can get Mommy a treat and surprise her. How does that sound?”
“Yes please! Can we do that Uncle Buck?”
The look on Buck’s face when Eddie looked back was softer and held something in it that made Eddie’s skin tingle.
“Yeah, Jee. Eddie’s idea was a good one. We can do that. Let’s get our shoes on and go get Christopher.”
As they got ready and walked out the door Eddie made himself comfortable next to Maddie. They waved as Buck carried Jee out the door.
“Ok. Eddie. What’s up with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you just sent Buck off with Jee to go get Chris, then told them to go get food, and didn’t go with them. Why would you want to sit here with a boring pregnant me when your son is out eating sugar in L.A. with Buck?”
“Maybe I just like your company.”
“Or maybe you want to talk to me about something you don’t want Buck to hear and don’t know how long it’s going to take.”
“Maybe you’re right”
“What is it Eddie?”
“I don’t know how to start.”
“We’ve got time. You saw to that. Start from the beginning.”
So Eddie did just that. He told Maddie everything. He only has younger sisters, but he found it surprisingly easy to confide in Maddie like she was his big sister. When he finished telling her about his new thoughts on turning down the job offer, close to 20 minutes had passed and her eyes were wide.
“Wow.”
“I told you it was a lot.”
“So you’re sure about your feelings? You’re sure you're in love with Buck for real and not just missing him?”
“I’ve been thinking about it all day. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Besides, if I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t have told you, His big sister, about my feelings. I don’t need your wrath.”
“I just needed to make sure. And you want to tell him?”
“Yeah, but also I don’t want it to be awkward if he doesn’t feel the same way. I don't know how to spring something like this on him. I was hoping you could help me with it.”
“I can’t tell you how he feels. I could tell you what I think, but that’s not important. I don’t know what Buck is feeling. I don’t know if Buck is even aware of his feelings half the time. Has he even told you about what happened with Tommy after you moved to Texas?”
“What? Buck talked to Tommy again? No, he never told me.”
“I’m not surprised, given what happened.”
Just then the sounds of Buck pulling back into the driveway alerted them to their dwindling time.
“Maddie please don’t tell Buck.”
“I won’t. You just told me you would. Just… ask him about what happened with Tommy after you moved. That might help you get to where you need to go and I do hope you talk because I would love to see my brother happy and I think tha-
“We are back!” Buck yelled as the three of them walked through the door. Eddie looked at Maddie to see if she would continue. She just patted his hand and smiled at her brother as he walked into the room with her daughter in tow and Chris behind them.
Eddie watched as Jee presented her mom with a sprinkle covered frosted cookie that also had glitter on it somehow. Wow. Eddie stood up then and went over to his boys.
“How was your friend’s place?” Eddie asked Chris.
“It was awesome! We played so many games and I won almost every time. Those guys have been slacking in my absence.”
“Glad to hear you had fun bud.”
“Hey Buck, would you mind helping me out with some dinner for Jee while I have your chef skills in my house. I know you might want to get home but I’m exhausted and I don’t feel like being alone while Chimney is on shift.”
“Yeah sure, Eddie, would you want to stay for dinner? I can make us all something and we can talk till Chim gets off his shift. If that’s ok with you and Chris?
“I’m down.” Chris says immediately. Their couch is more comfortable than yours Buck.”
“Ouch! Shots fired, What about you Eddie?” Buck asks as he laughs with Chris.
Eddie watches him for a minute then catches Maddie’s eye and sees her smile at him like she gets it now.
“Yeah, I’m very ok with it. Like Chris said, her couch is more comfortable than yours, but it's still not as good as my couch.”
“I’ll agree to that”, says Buck. “I have dreams about your couch.”
Buck gets to work in the kitchen, Eddie tries to help. He does assist in some ways but it’s mostly Buck zipping around. They eat all together, Chris reads some books to Jee and is kind enough to play with her for a little while.
“I don’t mind. She’s more fun than my other cousins.” He quietly says to his dad and it doesn’t click with Eddie what he said till later. He melts at the thought.
Chimney gets home after Jee is put to bed and they chat for a couple more minutes, but everyone is tired and they all decide to call it a night when Chris’ head starts to wobble from fighting sleep. Buck helps him out to the car while Eddie wishes Maddie and Chim a goodnight. Maddie squeezes his arm after they hug and says, “Ask him. Good luck.”
“Thank you.” Eddie says earnestly.
“No. Thank you. Thank you for coming back to Buck.”
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Eddie must be adjusting back to L.A. time. When he wakes up Buck is already up and gone. He goes out into the kitchen and sees the note Buck left about needing specific groceries and he will be back soon. The muffins are still warm and so is the coffee so he must not have been gone long. Eddie even sees a premade mug waiting for him. He smiles cheesily, not needing to hide it from anyone. He loves Buck and his perfect coffee and his warm muffins and his leaving notes when he leaves and all the silly things he does.
Chris is already up as well, watching tv in the living room. Eddie sits next to him with his coffee after he inhales a muffin.
“How are you feeling Chris, with it being our last full day in L.A. Are you missing Texas yet?”
“No. Not nearly as much as I'm already missing L.A.”
“Wait, what?”
“I am happy to be back home here. I thought I could get used to Texas again but, L.A. is home now and I miss it. All of it. But especially Buck. I don’t want to leave him again.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“I didn’t either. Not until I left.”
“Can you explain for me please?”
“I was so mad at you when I left. I thought about going to Buck’s but you’re always together so that wouldn’t have worked if I wanted to avoid you. I didn’t realize till afterwards how much I'd miss Buck. I knew he’d always be in my life, he has said this to me a lot, so I didn’t think about how weird it would be to not have him around physically.
“I know what you mean. I’ve missed him a lot too.”
“And you haven’t heard back from the station yet so your job isn’t holding us there. School is almost over so that won’t hold us there, I haven’t been friends with those friends long enough to miss them as much as I miss my ones here or Buck. I also am not that fond of living that close to Grandma and Grandpa.”
“I understand that, Mijo. I do, but I did hear back from the station.”
“What? When?”
“Captain Morales called me yesterday while you were gone and said he would hire me if I still wanted the job.”
“Did you say yes?”
“I told him I'd let him know when we got back to town.”
“Are you going to say yes?”
“If I say yes I told him we wouldn't leave. What do you think I should say?”
“Say no. Dad. Say no. Can we please come back to L.A. you moved because I never called. I never called because I thought you didn’t want me to. We both know the truth now. We both miss L.A. We both need Buck back. Can we just stay here?”
Eddie laughed, put down his empty mug, and brought Chris into his embrace.
“No, kiddo. We can’t just stay here. There are things we’d have to do in Texas if we do want to move back home. Also, where would we live? We couldn’t kick Buck out of his house and we can’t afford a new place until the other one is sold.”
“That's an easy one. We’d just live here with Buck like we are doing right now.”
“Buck and I are sharing a room right now, we can't keep doing that.”
“Why not? If you and Buck were dating, us all living together wouldn’t be weird. Dad. He is basically my other dad already. The will exists and hasn’t changed, and I love him as much as I love you. I missed him as much as I missed you. I’d like to live in a house with both of my parents. I haven’t gotten to do that since I was little.”
“What if Buck doesn't want to date me?”
“Do you want to date Buck?”
Eddie wasn’t fully prepared for this conversation. He sees how he walked right into it. focusing on the real problem and not denying his part in the equation.
“If I did, how would you feel about that?”
“Dad, I don’t care if you date Buck, I’d actually probably prefer it. He is the best, You’re both my dads if the way you both act is what we base it off of. I just said I’d like my parents to be together. You didn’t like the other girls you dated, just because Buck is a guy… I don’t care if you like guys. I just want you to be with someone that makes you happy. Does Buck make you happy?”
“He does. Still, what if he doesn't want to date me?”
“He would still be your friend and would still want to help you. That's what Buck does, he helps people. So even if you guys don't end up dating we could still live here till something was available for either us or him.”
“You're right Chris. Are you sure you want to move back to L.A.?”
“Yes, Dad. Please. I want to come home. I don't want to leave again.”
“Ok. We can talk to Buck about it today. However, we will still need to go back to Texas tomorrow no matter what. I might also need a few moments to talk to Buck by myself in the kitchen if you’re ok with playing games out here by yourself for a while. I know it’s not the best way to spend your last day here but -
“Dad. It's fine. We’d be watching movies and playing games with Buck today anyway. I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to be here. Talk when he gets back.”
“Christopher Diaz, you are the best kid in the whole world. I love you so much.”
“I love you too dad. Thank you for following me to Texas, but thank you for letting us move back. I know it’s not easy.”
“It’s worth it.”
They sat and watched the show together while they waited for Buck to get back from the store. Eddie kept his arm around Chris, who did not act like he minded. He was joyful today. He was so glad to hear from Chris himself that he wanted to come back to L.A. He was even at peace with the knowledge that Chris actually wanted him to date buck. He hadn't seen that coming but it did make sense. Chris seeing Buck as another father made sense.
He needed to get his mind around what he had to do next. He needed to talk to Buck. He needed his help in figuring out his next steps, but he was also hoping to see if there was any hope for a potential new relationship between them. It made him nervous.
Chris was right, no matter what Buck felt about him he would help him get back to L.A. He just also hoped that he wanted what Eddie wanted. He didn’t have long to wait. Buck was back home soon enough. Eddie turned his head to watch him walk through the door. Their eyes found each other instantly. Buck had a smile on his face as he took in the scene. He also had a lot of groceries.
“Let me help you with that.” Eddie said as he got up from the couch. He gave Chris a pat on the leg as a signal to start his games when he was ready, grabbed his mug again, closed the front door for buck, and followed him into the kitchen.
“You don't have to help me”
“That’s fine, I mostly just wanted to talk to you in here about some things I’ve been thinking about this weekend.”
“Oh yeah?” Buck asks as he starts to put his various groceries away.
Eddie leans against the counter and watches him for a beat before he says, “Yeah, Chris has talked about potentially moving back home to L.A. Seems we both miss it here.” He says into his empty mug before looking at Buck who has stilled.
“Ye- yeah?”
“Yeah and I was thinking it might be a good idea, but I'd need some help. I need your help.”
“You wanna move back?”
“I wanna come home. Yes.”
A pause. Eddie didn't know how to continue. He needed to get on the love topic, but how? He walked to the sink and started to rinse out his mug. As he washed it he thought about what maddie had said, ‘ask about Tommy’. That would be quite a switch though. How could he get there naturally… he didn't think he could. He had an idea of how to go about it before Buck was in the same room as him but now he couldn't think properly. He sat the mug down and turned around to find Buck was moving again but slowly, with a strange look on his face.
“Don't worry Buck, we won't kick you out. That's why I'd need your help. I have an idea of how things could go, but I can't do it without you.”
Buck looked at him with his blue eyes and Eddie wanted to reach out and hold him but he couldn't just yet. However, he could grab the last few things and put them away, so he did.
“How did you know where to put those?”
“Did I do it wrong?”
“No.”
“Well, I've known you for a long time, Buck, I know how you think. I know this kitchen and I pay attention to you when you're in here. I figured it out.”
“Figured what out?”
Buck looks a little scared. What did Eddie say that scared him?
“Where the food goes Buck. Are you ok? You look like you're afraid I'm about to attack you.”
“Wha- no. I mean, yeah. I’m ok. What do you need me to do?”
“Yesterday when you went with Jee to get Chris I was talking with Maddie and she said something to me that I wanted to ask you about.”
“Yeah?”
“Tommy?”
“She told you what Tommy said?”
“No, she just mentioned that something had happened with Tommy. What happened with Tommy?”
“Ah, do we really have to talk about that? It was ages ago, right after you left, and he couldn’t have been more off, I've been trying to get past it.”
“Buck. Stop. I don't know what youre talking about. What did Tommy do? I didn't know you were still talking to him. Why didn't you tell me?”
“I’m not still talking to him. I ran into him one night when Ravi and I went to go get drinks. He was at the bar and Ravi left us together and we started talking. I told him you left, he told me he had been thinking about me, I told him I moved, asked him to come over and we kinda hooked up that night. Here. Sorry.”
“Oh.” That didn't feel very good to hear. Eddie’s heart wasn't peaceful anymore. “So what happened? You aren't back together, I would know at least that much." He tried to keep the hurt out of his tone but going by Buck's face he wasn't succeeding.
“No, the morning after he said some things and I said some things and he left and we haven't talked since. I was kinda mean.”
“You? Mean?”
“Yeah?”
“I'm sure he deserved it. What did he say?”
“Ugh. Stupid stuff. He started out sweet, making breakfast and coffee, unpacking some things for me. Acting like he wanted to get together again so I asked him as much, asked him if he was no longer afraid and then,” Buck paused, looked at Eddie, took a deep breath, seemed to settle into something. Determination set in his eyes as he looked at Eddie and it made his stomach flip. “He said he wasn’t afraid now that the competition was gone.”
Eddie sat with that. “Competition?” he asked, confused.
Buck sighed and continued, “Yeah I was confused too, he meant you.” He gestured to Eddie and then he fidgeted for a while. Eddie stayed silent taking it all in. “he saw you as competition. which means that he probably broke up with me because of you. He thought I had feelings for you, probably the whole time we dated.”
“Wait, What?”
“I know. I told him you were straight and he scoffed at that. that made me mad and I sai-”
“What if I'm not?”
That stopped buck mid rant. He looked at Eddie. Eddie looked back. Finding his own determination.
“Not what?”
“What if I'm not straight?”
“What do you mean?”
“Was Tommy right?”
“About what?”
“Did you, or do you, have feelings for me?”
“Eddie I-”
“I have been thinking about something lately. Something I wasn't fully aware of till recently.”
He paused again, not looking at Buck. He didn't want to know what he would see on his face.
“I have recently been feeling things change inside my heart. I don’t think I am straight. Because I find myself-”
Eddie had to do this. He needed to know. They both did so they could work through it. He needed to do this for Chris, for Buck, but mostly for himself. If Buck was his joy he wanted to know if he could have the juice. If he couldn’t have the juice he needed to know so he could find a different joy.
“I find myself realizing that the love I’ve had for you has shifted. I do love you Buck.” He looks back up and the look on Buck’s face is so soft and open. Eddie continues finding his strength in looking at Buck. “I do love you Buck, but lately I've been thinking that I might love you more than a best friend does. I am pretty sure I am in love with you. No, yes. I am in love with you Buck. Which is why I need your help. Chris wants to move back home here. He wants us to be a family. I want that too but if you don’t feel the same I need to know so we can make plans. I need to know so I can move past this feeling. I still want to come back here to be close to you but if-”
“Eddie. Can you stop for a second?”
Eddie stops talking and just looks. He looks at buck and takes in his smile. Buck slowly steps closer to Eddie as he says, “I didn't think he was right, but as time moved on and I kept missing you more and more, I wondered. When you came back to me, the moment we hugged, I knew that even if you were straight I loved you more than a best friend, I was in love with you. Which sucked because you were only here for a few days, but now you say you want to move back.”
Buck was right in front of him at this point. So close a slight shift would make them touch. He continues with,
“You say you’re in love with me. words I never thought I'd get to hear from you. So yes Eddie, Tommy was right. I do have feelings for you. I do love you. I would like to live with you here in this house, I want to help you plan moving back home, back to me, but right now I just want to kiss you? Can I kiss you?”
“Yes, please.”
And so Buck’s arms go around Eddie and Eddie’s hands find their way to Buck’s hair and they kiss. Soft and sweet and it feels perfect. Eddie can’t really believe he is kissing Buck. He also can’t believe how happy he feels, how it feels like home and everything he has ever wanted and never had, not even with Shannon.
The kiss keeps going as they let their emotions show through it. It gets deeper and less sweet and soon enough they have to stop because they can’t breathe. They don't stop holding each other. They rest their foreheads together.
“Is this really happening?” Eddie asks Buck.
“Yes. It is really happening. Do you really want to live with me back here in L.A. does chris?”
“Yes. We miss you and need you and want you with us. I want you. I need you. Can I have you?”
“Yes. Can I have you?”
“Yes.”
They kiss again, quickly getting handsy and losing themselves in each other until they stop when they hear Chris call out.
“Are you done talking yet? I kinda want a drink but I don't want to interrupt.”
They pull apart, laughing at the situation. They look at each other, Buck is a mess. Yet he looks so happy and bright and loving. Eddie can see it now, right there in his eyes and the set of his smile, the love. They quickly adjust their hair and clothes back to some sort of normal and Eddie gets Chris a drink.
They both walk out of the kitchen and into the living room where Chris eyes them warrily.
“What happened to you guys, you look weird.”
Buck and Eddie looked at each other and laughed at their inability to keep cool.
Eddie sobered up first.
“We just had a very passionate discussion about our situation.” He said as he sat down next to Chris handing him the cup. Buck joined them on the couch sitting next to Eddie and casually putting his arm on the back behind him, leaning into his space so he could look Chris in the eye.
“Your dad told me you wanted to move back. Do you really or are you just being nice?”
“I want to move back. I don’t know why you guys have to keep asking me. I said it. I meant it. I didn’t think El Paso would be permanent. I just want to come home.”
“See I told you.” Eddie said, smirking at Buck. He turned back to Chris. “Ok so we can move back, however we have steps to take before that can happen. We need to pack up, put the house back on the market, and talk to your school. School is almost over, do you want to finish out the school year?
“That's a month away.” I- I don't know.”
“Hey, that's fair buddy. A month is a long time sure but it might be the amount of time we need.” Buck says gently to Chris leaning even further across Eddie. they're all up in each other's space now and Eddie is not complaining. It sends a shiver down his spine that he’s pretty sure Buck clocks given his smile when he looks at Eddie before continuing to talk to Chris. “Your dad talked about moving into the house and all of us living together, is that something else you really meant?”
“Wait, did you talk about all of it? Even the room sharing and the possibly dating part?” Chris asks, sitting up and seemingly inspecting the space between Buck and Eddie or more so the lack of space between them.
“Yeah, we chatted about that a bit.” Eddie says as Buck giggles and dips his head to rest on Eddie’s shoulder. “It looks like we are on the same page and would indeed like to give that suggestion of yours a chance.”
“What? Are you dating or not?”
“Yes we are dating," Buck says finally looking back up at Chris.
He slides the rest of the way into Eddie’s space. They are fully facing Chris now, sitting sideways on the couch and Buck is sitting so his chest and Eddie’s back are flush together and their heads are resting on each other’s. Eddie wishes he could see how they look together. He leans backwards into Buck and feels Bucks arm draped around his shoulder and rests on his arm. A casual couple pose. Eddie feels secure as he watches Christophers eyes watch the whole thing as they slowly light up and his smile grows.
“Awesome. Now when my friends call you my dads it's not weird.”
“What?” Eddie asked, confused.
“They think you're together.”
“They do?” Buck sounds just as confused as Eddie.
“Yeah, they have for basically the whole time.”
“Huh” Buck and Eddie say in unison.
The day continues, normally, which sometimes weirds Eddie out. Everything and yet nothing has changed. Chris was right, they spent the day at home. They watch movies and play games and cook and bake and do all the things they used to do, they even do laundry together. It's insane how mundane the day is yet it feels so charged.
Buck and Eddie naturally have always gravitated towards each other, now though. They are touching each other any chance they get. Bumping arms and sitting fully next to each other, drifting hands and wandering eyes. When they aren't in the same room as Chris, who quickly stated his wish they not be goopy in front of him, they're in each other's arms kissing and giggling the whole time.
By the time the sun has set they’ve had a full day and dinner is almost ready. Chris opted to stay in the living room until he was called to the table which was probably wise because Eddie had a hard time not wrapping his body around Buck’s while he cooked them dinner in every way he wished he could have before. He was leaving tomorrow and he probably wasn't coming back for over a month. He needed to touch Buck as much as possible while he could. He only wished that they had figured themselves out sooner, he could have been doing this every night of this trip… Well, maybe not every night. He can't wait for tonight in bed, with Buck, as a couple. Was he nervous? Yes. Did he know what he wanted to do? Not really. Did he know what he was doing? No. Was he still excited about the fact that whatever happened tonight would happen with Buck, inside their shared home? Absolutely.
That thought only added to his enjoyment of the rest of the night. How mundane it all could be and yet how full of pure joy he felt. This. This is what he was looking for all those years ago when he moved here. He wanted a family, a partner, someone to have his back, someone who loved Chris, someone who loved him. He wanted a best friend and an epic love and he found it. It was just like what that man had told Buck all those years ago on a call that never left Eddie’s mind. You don't find that kind of love, you make it. They had made it. Buck knew all the darkest parts of Eddie, Eddie knew all of Buck's bad habits. He was confident that even with all the bumps they’d face in the future they could face them as a couple and only end up stronger. He wasn’t afraid of messing this one up. They’d grown, and they’d done it together.
They tried to be normal when Chris finally wandered off to his room. They finished cleaning up the kitchen, they folded the last of the laundry, they talked about the logistics of the next day, flight schedules, shift schedules, all typical things. They couldn't be normal for long. Eventually there was nothing left to do.
They were sitting on the couch, facing each other, fingers laced together on the back of the couch, beers empty and forgotten on the table.
“I can’t believe that in 24 hours you'll be back in texas and i'll still be here missing you.”
“But this time you'll know I'm coming back.”
“But I'll still have to be without you, at the beginning of our new relationship status, for probably over a month.”
“At least now we will have that extra connection. That will help us.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, I'm sure.” Eddie said in a whisper as he softly moved his free hand to the side of Buck's face and let his thumb stroke his cheek.
“I miss you already,” Buck responded, letting his lips graze Eddie's hand. Placing a kiss there after he spoke.
“I’m right here Buck.”
“But tomorrow yo-”
“Shhh. Right now, I’m right here, with you, and I don't have anywhere else I have to go until tomorrow. So let's focus on tonight.”
As he said this he slid onto Buck’s lap, let go of his fingers and brought both hands up to run through his soft curls as he leaned in and placed soft kisses onto his birthmark, cheeks, jaw, and finally his lips.
He felt Buck sigh into the kiss and wrap his arms around Eddie bringing them closer together.
It started off sweet and gentle and caring, it didn't stay that way for long. Chris was asleep, they were together, and alone, and tomorrow Eddie was leaving for Texas.
He felt Buck’s hands drifting over his body, this did things to Eddie. He kept trying to get closer to Buck but there was nowhere for him to go. He let his hands wander as well but they kept finding themselves back in Buck’s hair. Buck’s hands, however, did not keep finding their way to Eddie's waist. Their favorite place seemed to be his ass.
It kept getting more and more heated and soon they were panting and had a hard time breathing. Eddie pulled back from Buck and smiled when he heard the whine coming from his lips.
“We probably shouldn't do this out here, just in case Chris wanders out of his room.”
Buck lets his head fall backwards, “you're probably right.”
Eddie carefully gets off of Buck but he doesn't stop touching him, having his hands drift down Buck, while he watches his eyes. He catches his hands and pulls Buck up and off the couch. “Luckily” he says and kisses Buck when he's steady on his feet. “We have a bed, in a bedroom, that's all ours.” and he drags a very willing Buck into their bedroom.
He turns to shut the door and Buck backs him up to it and starts to devour Eddie whose knees go weak. He pushes back after a sweet moment of giving in and then walks Buck to the bed. They strip off their shirts and fall into bed.
“We will need to go slow, I’ve never done this before”
“I don't have that much experience in it either, We will figure it out. Together.”
“Together” Eddie murmurs into Bucks mouth as his hands find the way down Bucks chest, over the tattoos Eddie is very familiar with and down to the edge of his pants.
That's how they spend the night, slowly learning about each other's bodies, ticks, and how to make the other come undone.
They fall asleep tangled in each other and the sheets around them.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Eddie wakes up to the feeling of Buck pulling him closer and kissing along his shoulder, up his neck, along his jaw, and then finally claims his lips in the most passionate good morning kiss Eddie has ever had. It's a good thing he's already in bed because he turns to jello without even having to think about it. They make out till they hear Chris getting up.
“I should probably go make breakfast.” Buck says quietly while looking in Eddie’s eyes.
“I don’t want today to happen.” Eddie whispers back.
“Me neither,” Buck admits. He softly kisses Eddie again, “but maybe it's not a month. Maybe it's just a week or two. Then you'll never have to leave.”
“Never ever.” Eddie sighs happily.
“Are you ready?”
“No. But let's go.”
It's a joint effort finding their clothes and getting ready. When they exit the room Eddie heads to the bathroom and into Chris’ room to gather his things and pack him up while Buck makes breakfast.
They eat breakfast quietly today. All three of them were sad at the departure ahead of them. They move slowly through the morning. As Chris goes to get dressed Eddie and Buck do the same. It takes them longer to change than it really should but they can't help themselves when they're alone in their room removing clothes again. So what if Chris rolls his eyes at them when they finally exit the room.
Eddie double checks their stuff and puts all their luggage by the door. He goes into the bathroom to finish getting ready before he puts everything into the car. He walks in on Buck putting himself together for the day and just watches from the door. He's enchanted by the fact that he gets to see this. He has seen it before but now he is appreciating it more. When he's done he slides his arms around Buck and kisses him softly before Buck goes to gather what he needs for his shift.
Eddie brushes his teeth and gets himself ready, then puts everything back in his duffle bag and hands it to Buck who has already taken Chris’ things out to the truck. He takes another look around the house and he holds onto that pang of longing to be able to just stay. He holds onto it knowing that when he is back he will integrate his things with Bucks and then, unless they move to a different house some day, he won't ever have to leave again. The only way he will leave this place is with Buck’s hand in his.
They drive to the airport with music softly playing. Buck is talking, filling up the silence as he does. Eddie is thankful. He holds Buck's hand on the way and just watches him as he drives.
They reach the airport, Eddie unloads all of their things as Buck and Chris have their moment. It's full of tears but smiles at the same time.
“I love you Christopher. I’ll see you again soon.”
“I love you too Buck. We will be home sooner than you think. I promise.”
Then it’s Eddie's turn. They crash into each other's embrace and hold on so tightly Eddie thinks they might fuse their bodies together.
“I love you, Buck.” Eddie whispers into Buck's ear.
“I love you too Eddie” Buck whispers back.
As they part they share one more sweet and relatively chaste kiss, depending on who you ask.
Eddie gathers the luggage and turns back to Buck before they head into the doors.
“I’m coming back to you Buck. We're coming back. Promise.”
Buck smiles as a few tears escape his eyes and he nods and says, “Thank you for saying that.”
They don't say it out loud but the eye contact between them in that moment holds a deeper I love you for both of them.
Eddie and Chris turned and walked into the airport, they waved again from the other side of the doors then they finally walked away from Buck and further into the airport.
Eddie was sad, but he was determined.
Soon he and Christopher would make their way back to Buck.