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No trouble endures a thousand years. Yet, memory, it seemed, could endure far beyond that.
“Look!”
“Oh archons, it’s snowing!”
“Snow?”
“The wind is playing tricks again.”
“Quickly, bring out the umbrellas!”
“You’re not going out with Paimon?”
“No, you have fun. I’ll be upstairs.”
An icy puff landed upon his face. Xiao looked out at the sky, a blueish gray dome enshrouded with thick clumping clouds. And falling from it was a gentle cascade of icy white wisps. The weather had been strange, the land as well. Gazing out from his vantage point upon the roof, it seemed only a stray burst blown down from the mountains bring the snow with it. No cause for worry yet.
The creak of the roof tiles, followed by the feeling of warmth beside him, should have been enough to pull him from his thoughts. He had heard his voice and boot treads within the inn below. He would be the only one daring enough to join him here. But his eyes remained fixed upon the gentle cascade of snow before him.
He could remember the first snow he had seen….
Gnawing.
Clawing.
Biting.
Another step, then another, each one growing more laborious as he went. Everything was heavier. Yet every twitch, every slight movement brought fresh anguish, a burning in his guts, he clenched his jaw hard.
You will eat what I allow you to, little one.
How do they taste child? Such decadence is delightful.
Look at you, so enraptured, truly a taste of the divine, are they not?
Greedy child, should I tell you who they were? Would you care to know?
Saliva pooled on his tongue, a craving burn echoed in his gullet, followed by revulsion so fierce, he retched hard. Nothing came of it as he panted, leaning against any solid surface until his dizziness cleared a bit more. Again, he continued forward.
He shouldn’t become so depraved. To feast upon such things, to hunger for it….
Yet the decadent taste lingered even now, its mere echoes causing the burning to become a twisting, reverberating in every nerve, alive. Writhing.
Wanting.
You dare refuse?
The anguish twisting seized his guts again, yanking them into his throat. Clenching his teeth, vision swimming and blurring again as he fought to remain upright, his wings dragging behind him, sodden and limp. He was too weak to hover, let alone fly. Trudging like this was all he could do. If he did not return soon, it would only mean further punishment. With as weakened as he was, he did not know if he would withstand another of her beatings.
So defiant to turn your face away, then starve until I allow you to eat again. We will see how long that gaze remains so willful. You will eat what I offer or perish.
Wet, chill and wind gradually brought him to his senses again. It was his own shaking that had roused him. He didn’t know when he had fallen into the cold ground. Through his blurred sight, he could see nothing but endless white. A thick layer of it covered even the darkened trees. The bitter cold of the mountain where the target had lived felt no different from the gnawing in his guts.
It had been so long since he had been allowed to eat. How many weeks had it been now? Months? A few now that he could recall, at least.
Master had forbidden him, and he could not disobey. He could not even dare to place a single seedling to his lips.
It hurt so much….
Slowly, he rose to his knees. The blood upon his hair was tacky again, coloring the pure white ground where he had fallen. The target had struggled, but in the end, he perished. They always did when his master no longer had use for them. This one lasted a little over a fortnight before his master grew bored and sent him one final time.
Clenching his fists, guilt burned his heart as another wave of nausea hit him. How many had he destroyed? How many had he given to his master’s whims? He could feel the weight of their essence pressing upon his being. She would take it all when he returned, draining him dry of his strength once again. Could he continue to endure? How many times would she make him….
He was ravenous…
Gritting his teeth, metal flowed into his mouth as a pitiful cry escaped his scorched throat.
Why was this his fate?
It was too cruel… this endlessness…
He looked down upon the chilled white land around. The biting wind did not hurt. Instead, he could only relish the bit of numbness it brought. The cold had helped bring him to his senses…
Perhaps…
Carefully, he lifted a bit of the iciness to his lips; he could scoop it into his mouth without resistance. It… became water, far colder than any spring. It did not last, but the numbing chill was far more welcome than the twisting ache.
He ate more, grateful for any sort of relief….
He devoured as much as he could.
Until he felt the tug upon his chain.
The gentle sound of Aether’s melodic voice dispelled the memory.
“I didn’t know it could snow so close to the harbor.”
“It has not done so in decades.”
“Really? Sharing a border to Dragonspine, I would think it would do so more often.” Aether said as he leaned against the tiles of the inn roof. Xiao inclined his head, but said nothing. It seemed neither one of them was in the mood for company yet together, it did not feel stifling. Both seeking rest, one from his duties, the other from the crowds of the inn below.
White puffs of air escaped them both as the snow brought a chill. Urgent footsteps announced another commotion downstairs. He glanced down to see several children run out, the familiar floating figure of Paimon with them, followed by several other adults, all reveling in the snowfall. Some others coming out at all corners to watch the sky. Xiao crossed his arms and Aether’s gaze softened as they too watched the fall of the small white puffs of frost and ice gently sailing to the ground. “Do you think it will stick?”
“Stick?”
“Stay around a while.”
“The ground remains warm, unless an icy wind blows from the ocean or Mondstadt, I do not think it will,” Xiao said. Aether caught a small pile in his outstretched hand.
“It is beautiful,” He said. “Seeing the snow upon the marsh.” Xiao looked at it, his eyes gazing far out into the distant sky. Aether watched him from the corner of his eye. “Have you seen it often before?”
“No,” Xiao said. “Not often, but sparingly over the centuries.”
“Do you even remember when you first saw snow?” Aether teased. But Xiao’s face went soft, eyes almost bitterly empty, mouth becoming a grim line. Straightening, slightly alarmed, Aether touched his shoulder. Xiao did not react, only continued to stare into the sky.
“It was many millennia ago now, when I first saw snow. Though I did not know its name then,” Xiao said. “It saved me then.”
“How? Did it break your fall?”
“Yes. And it served to dull the ache and numb the pain,” he said.
“Was it your karma?”
“No. It was before I came into service of Rex lapis.”
“Were you injured?” Xiao closed his eyes but then looked at the piling snow upon the surrounding tiles, saying nothing more. Aether did not press. They were quiet awhile, simply watching the snow fall. Aether lifted a small handful, he began to shape it in his hands before holding it up with a smile. Xiao looked down at the small shape he thought looked like a slime.
“I don’t have stones, otherwise I would have made a bunny,” Aether said. Xiao touched the small ice ball.
“Once the snow is thick enough, we could eat it, if you like,” Xiao said. Aether blinked.
“You mean…. like Chongyun’s popsicles?”
“What are those?”
“A treat frozen on a stick. He eats them often to calm himself though his are more medicinal.”
“I see. Perhaps it is similar,” Xiao said. Aether continued to glance at him before he set down the ball of snow.
“You are sensitive with food. Do you like the taste of snow?”
“It serves to dull the ache when one is starved. It can be satisfying enough,” Xiao said. Aether stiffened, his hand pausing. He did not move again for a long while, eyes starting into nothingness, his smile gone. Xiao frowned, brow furrowing. “Are you well?” Suddenly, Aether leaned his head on his shoulder. “Aether?”
“Just stay like this a moment,” Aether said. Frown deepening, he did as he asked. Xiao looked out over the marsh.
It had been centuries.
If one had told him before that this would be his future, he would have dismissed it as an idle fantasy. If one had told him when he was but a hatchling, he would have cursed them thrice over, if not slaughtered them, for their false hope in his naïve anger. Such things as idling his time upon a roof top gazing out at the ever changing scenery with his companion. How could it be?
He would not have dared to imagine spending peaceful moments like this.
He could feel Aether trembling. Xiao saw him hiding his face as he did when he did not wish to show his eyes. Aether always disliked how expressive his own eyes were to others, revealing him too easily. Carefully, Xiao reached over and touched the side of his head.
“Are you cold?”
“No…. I just….I just realized something horrible.” His voice was barely a whisper above the chilly wind around them. Xiao allowed him to press closer. Carefully, he placed a hand on Aether’s shoulder and he drooped further, letting his weight rest against him fully.
The amount of trust he placed in him was always disarming. Aether leaned heavily against his bare shoulder, pressed close in his embrace. Xiao rested his hand upon his head, carefully entangling his fingers in his hair as to not clumsily injure him. It was…overwhelming, worryingly so. It was careless for anyone to be so vulnerable in his presence. He was not known for his delicacy in any regard. Again, silence fell, Xiao stayed close until his shaking subsided. Finally, Aether lifted his head from his shoulder, rubbing his eyes. Tears.
“You cry. Why?”
“You’ve suffered a lot.” It was a statement. Xiao frowned.
“It is nothing to me now.”
“But it means something to me?”
“You always seek to borrow trouble needlessly.”
“And I make a special exception for yours,” Aether said with a mirthless smile. “Xiao…. just please let me be sad for you, okay?” Xiao closed his eyes, letting out a small sigh.
“If that is your wish, then so be it,” Xiao said. Reaching up as gently as he could, he brushed aside a stray bit of hair from his eyes. Aether caught his hand, holding it. Slowly, Xiao closed his own over his.
Long they watched the falling snow. Neither of them releasing the other’s hand.
“What is this?”
That afternoon, Aether insisted on borrowing the kitchen below. Xiao remained above the balcony, watching the sky as the snow continued to fall. After a while, he returned, calling his name, with a strange set of molded creations with sticks poking out one side. Xiao tilted his head at the strange objects.
“Popsicles, I got the recipe from Chongyun a while ago and made a few changes to suit your taste better,” Aether said. He held up one of the strange treats. Xiao frowned, taking it.
The icy sweetness of it reached his nose. He glanced at Aether, who picked up his own before setting the tray beside the cold window. He then leaned to look out the window of inn, the snow outside had begun to cease its falling, a thin white blanket covered the ground. When Xiao did not move, he held up his own. “If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. It’s an acquired taste.” Xiao watched him eat it first, only licking top before turning his gaze down to it. It should be fine. He said it was like snow. It certainly felt like it. Carefully, he raised it to his lips.
What he tasted…. was curious. It was cold, bitingly so, his tongue instantly numbing, yet there was a sweetness, followed by a mellowing taste he associated with almond tofu. Ice flakes chipped off it into his mouth, tasting both like snow yet not at all. It was strange.
“What do you think?”
“It is like no snow I have eaten before.”
“That is because it’s mixed with a few other things. I didn’t think you would like just straight mist flower and Qingxin like Chongyun.” Aether said. “And I like these better than just straight snow.” Xiao took another taste. It was…not bad. “If you ever want to eat snow again, you can get these. Chef Mao and Xiangling should be able to make them as well since we shared recipes. And I just gave Yanxiao a copy of my own with a note to inquire to them both if he can’t reach me.”
“No need. If I wish to have them, I would prefer to ask you,” Xiao said. Aether grinned, taking another lick of his own. Xiao moved to his side, following him outside. He sat down, leaning against the wall. The cold kept everyone inside but them. Together, with popsicles in hand, they watched the birds in the distance.
“There are actually a lot of different frozen treats out there,” Aether said after a while. “Frozen creams and milk, both sweet and savory kinds, syrup covered ice, chilled puddings, popsicles of course, frozen cakes, chilled mashed fruits, it’s quite something.”
“You have tried these things?” Xiao asked.
“Yeah, I can make them for you sometime now that I know you like cold foods.”
“You need not trouble yourself.”
“I want to,” Aether said. “Any time you want anything, Xiao, I will do my best to accommodate you if it’s within my power.” A chill that had nothing to do with the frozen treat in his hand or the surrounding temperature caused an unfamiliar shiver to travel across his skin. Yet a fiery lump lodged itself in his throat, constricting his chest. He didn’t dare move, he didn’t dare breathe.
Want.
Desire.
Would it be alright?
Bitter memories of gnawing, the aching and yearning flitted in the back of his mind. Hunger and desire had been his vice, his sin, and downfall. Even now, he did not ‘taste’ foods as others did. Forever altered by his sin. Mortal food did little to sate the pricking want for something he would never again have. Its flavors, tastes, texture, even its way of being too heavy inside him, was all wrong. It had taken centuries before he could handle a single seedling again. Longer still for anything that was considered ‘safer’ for consumption by others.
The soft sweetness of dreams…
Even now, he could remember the all-encompassing feeling, the taste of it. The way his mind would be lost in the chaotic, floating world. Its power made him feel both invincible and revolting. He was faster, stronger. His frenzied strength allowed him to complete all tasks delegated to him by his former master, which earned him her disgusting praise. But inevitably, the power did not last. The fleetingness of dreams was ephemeral and would always fade. He would fall, down back into his waking nightmare, and the gnawing would start again. He would yearn and despair, despising himself. To resist, he naively would starve, each time trying to last longer and he did last...
Until the next target was chosen….
Her laughter, as she mocked his weakness, was forever etched in his memory.
Brought heel, loathfully he would bring their wishes, desires, hopes and secrets to his master until the dreamer broke and a new target would be selected. And the cycle began again.
Just as she wished it would.
She always preferred him ravenous.
Enjoy the taste, sweet child.
Another chain to keep him ensnared.
Now, several millennia later, he could acknowledge time had allowed his change. He would never again be forced to bend his head unwillingly. He was free. And though that dark hunger existed somewhere within him still, he no longer needed to give way to its lures. Its addicting darkness could be turned away from. His will an impenetrable bulwark, his oaths, his shield.
But try as he might, mortal food did little to sate it. Though he could taste now, it was far too much.
But, there was a new variable now.
Something new that seemed to change things once again
Someone who offered the kindness of accommodation, of choice.
And the way they created things, gave him similar feelings too few before possessed. Yet they felt safer, far more so than any other he encountered who dared. Their creations reflective of the great care they offered, their sincerity shown through. The memory of sharing between them was far stronger than the darkness he once shamefully craved.
With Aether… it may be possible.
Finally, he looked down at the treat in his hand.
“Then I will trust you again,” Xiao managed before he took another bite, his bangs hiding his eyes and face from his companion, who smiled gently beside him.
It did him no favors to dwell on such things.
The treat would melt too quickly if he did.
And he would not waste Aether’s kindness.
Perhaps now, a new memory would over take those dark days, just like this new blanketing of snow.