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Neil dragged his body to the bathroom, already feeling the weight of the day on his shoulders before it even started.
He always felt bad days before they came, for some reason he couldn’t explain. He couldn’t tell why today was any different; he didn’t remember having any nightmares, didn’t remember being stressed or anxious over anything in particular, and yet—
He dressed up quickly to go for his run, trying not to think too much, but his thoughts were scattered all over. He felt raw, his skin open and bleeding, and he could almost taste the blood on his tongue. It made him sick to his stomach.
He ran until he couldn’t feel his legs anymore, until his mind was completely blank, then went back to the apartment and took a quick shower. Andrew was still asleep and Neil didn’t want to bother him.
He looked at his phone on his way to the kitchen and came to a halt, his stomach suddenly in his throat.
Today was the day his mother had died.
How could he have forgotten? What the fuck was wrong with him? He never forgot— he couldn’t— he—
Neil startled when he felt Andrew beside him, putting his hand on his neck. “Breathe,” Andrew said calmly.
Neil tried to get some air into his lungs.
After Andrew made sure Neil was alright and breathing, he let go and stepped back, giving Neil space.
Andrew didn’t ask if he was alright. He knew Neil would talk to him when he wanted to, but also— Neil realized Andrew already knew what today was. Neil suddenly envied his perfect memory.
Neil’s thoughts raced again. He felt so bad for not remembering. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten such an important day and he suddenly, desperately, missed his mum.
He felt like a little kid. He felt drained. All his feelings stumbled around each other until he couldn’t make sense of them.
He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t, he was stuck, too much too much too much. He was feeling too much; it was going to wrap itself around his throat and suffocate him, and he would let it.
Neil went to the couch and sat down. He was staring at a fixed point on the wall, unblinking, stuck in place wishing for this day to be over already.
Andrew came to sit beside him and pulled Neil’s head into his lap, pushing his fingers through his hair. Neil felt his whole body relax at the sensation. He was close to tears again, so he pushed his face further into Andrew’s thighs and mumbled something unrecognizable even to him.
Andrew didn’t ask him to elaborate; he just continued to run his fingers through Neil’s soft curls, humming and letting Neil soak up as much comfort from him as he needed.
Neil’s stubborn, stupid, dry eyes wouldn’t let his tears fall, but all his insides were liquid, and he had a stomach ache; he clung to Andrew and wrapped his arms around his waist.
Andrew sighed slowly, but still didn’t ask Neil to talk or explain himself. Neil loved him so much sometimes (all the time) even if he couldn’t say it most of the time.
“When did you wake up?” Neil asked, his voice muffled into Andrew’s thigh.
“An hour ago,” Andrew said. His fingers were still scratching Neil’s hair absently.
Neil grunted, not lifting his face to look up. “It’s mum’s anniversary,” he said, before realizing it was unnecessary. As if Andrew didn’t already know.
Andrew hummed to show Neil that he was listening.
“I forgot the date,” Neil said. His voice cracked over the confession, even though he knew Andrew would never judge him for this, and that he was the only one being harsh on himself.
Andrew didn’t waste his breath trying to comfort Neil for his misguided belief that he was somehow at fault for forgetting the date of his mother’s death. He just bent down and kissed Neil’s forehead. Neil felt himself relax further, all his limbs loose, even if his mind was still running too fast on its own.
Neil was thinking about too many things to voice, but he was especially thinking about his mum’s family. He hadn’t practiced his Arabic with anyone since she died; not only because no one around him spoke it, but because it was too painful.
All his memories with her were wrapped up with his grief. Even years later, he couldn’t shake it. He didn’t understand how he could have survived Nathan, the mafia, the FBI and Evermore, just for his mother to be the one thing he couldn’t unpack.
Neil loved her, and never blamed her for what she had to do, but after years of a bit of therapy and being halfway adjusted, he stopped excusing her abuse. He could at least call it that now, in his head.
He still didn’t blame her, though (not like Andrew did). She had done everything she could to protect him, and Neil knew she had loved him, knew she wanted him safe and wanted him to survive.
His feelings surrounding her were too tangled up for him to make sense of them. He loved her. He felt guilty. Some part of him resented her. More guilt. Grief. Love. More guilt, on and on and on.
He mourned her fiercely like it was yesterday. But at the same time, a bigger part of him was grateful she was gone, because that meant he had what he had now: a home, a family, a career he loves and Andrew.
Andrew, his home. Yes, Neil was grateful her loss brought him to a better place in his life, that he had survived and came out of this alive. He could swallow and live with all the guilt on bad days, if it meant he got to have the life he built for himself.
Neil Josten built himself a happy life. What an ironic turn of events. Even years later away from all of it, he still couldn’t fully believe this was his life.
He missed talking to her in Arabic. Part of him would forever mourn his stolen identity, how he had never had enough time to connect with his people or his culture, because he had always been paranoid on the run. He couldn’t trust anyone, he couldn’t have friends, he couldn’t let anyone know him. “You need to learn how to lie better, Nathaniel,” his mother’s voice raged in his ear, so loudly he couldn’t breathe.
Andrew’s fingers were suddenly digging into his neck to force him to let air into his lungs, and Neil tried to calm down.
When would this day end?
“Neil,” Andrew said softly.
Neil wanted to hide. He wanted to throw the covers over his face and never come out, but this was Andrew, and Andrew knew every inch of Neil inside and out, so Neil got his shit together and looked up at him.
“I haven’t spoken Arabic in so long. I feel like I’m losing a part of her every time I struggle to think of something in my fucking native language,” Neil said, his voice frustrated.
Andrew didn’t say anything. He just let Neil gather his thoughts and talk.
“I haven’t gone to Egypt,” he laughed, humorlessly. “Isn’t that so fucked up? How I traveled so many places to hide, and yet never went to the country I belonged to? How is that fair? Why couldn’t she take me?” Neil had had so many questions, but Mary always told him not to talk about this. He knew she had a lot of problems with her family, and couldn’t bear talking about them, but Neil couldn’t help but resent her a little.
“I feel disconnected from my roots, and I feel so guilty– like I'm letting her down,” Neil said, his voice low.
“You’re not letting her down. It is not your fault you were too busy running all your life from your butcher of a father, to have time to connect with your identity and family tree,” Andrew said as a matter of fact, though his voice was still soft.
Neil knew he was right, but he couldn’t help feeling guilty anyway. Maybe if he had tried harder. If he made more of an effort. If he—
It was no use to dwell on the past. Maybe he could just try now.
Neil sighed and tried to clear his head again. He just wanted this day to end. It was exhausting. He didn’t want to think about anything.
“Go to sleep,” Andrew told him.
“It’s not even 10 am,” Neil grumbled.
“It doesn’t matter, just take a nap.” Andrew flicked his ear until Neil squirmed.
Neil hated taking naps. It ruined his whole day. But It wasn’t like it could get any worse than it was anyway, so whatever. He would do as Andrew said. His body and mind needed some rest.
“Fine,” Neil said, but he didn’t want to get up, so he didn’t move.
“Can I just nap here?” Neil asked, Andrew still draped all over him.
“Fine,” Andrew said with a sigh, but Neil knew he wasn’t really annoyed, because he got more comfortable in his position. His arms splayed on Neil’s back, and hands were still in his hair as he let Neil cling to him without any complaining.
Neil buried his face deeper in Andrew's thighs. He could already feel his eyes dropping. The few hours of the day catching up to him. He closed his eyes.
✧
Neil blinked his eyes open, confused over where he was for a moment. His thoughts were still disoriented, until he heard a light snore and looked up to see Andrew sleeping.
Neil’s eyes softened looking at him. He looked so young and peaceful when he was asleep, all the worry and frowns he carried while awake, nowhere to be seen. Neil always felt some pride wash over him every time he remembered how safe Andrew felt around him. It was a privilege he had no plan on taking it for granted.
Neil breathed him in and closed his eyes again; he didn't want to get up and disturb the peace that settled over him in Andrew’s arms.
His heart still felt too heavy, but that’s to be expected now that he knew what day it was.
Maybe he should call his uncle. His relationship with Stuart was almost nonexistent, except for how his uncle would call him on holidays to wish him a happy birthday or merry christmas. But suddenly, Neil wanted to be closer to him. Stuart was the only thing Neil had left of his mum, and he would be someone Neil could speak to. His uncle moved to the UK very young, but he had been born in Egypt, and his Arabic was almost perfect. Maybe it would do Neil good.
“You’re thinking too loudly,” Andrew said, his voice heavy with sleep.
Neil’s thoughts came to a halt as he looked up at his boyfriend. “Hey,” Neil whispered.
Andrew tried to glare at him, but his sleepy eyes and dishevelled hair just made him look extremely adorable. Neil wanted to nibble on him a little.
“Thank you,” Neil eventually said, and Andrew scrunched his nose at him. He was so cute.
Neil laughed a little. “No really, thank you for listening,” Neil said again, just to drive the point home, even though he knew Andrew wouldn't respond.
Instead, Andrew pulled him up, hugging him close to his chest, and kissed his head.
Neil’s eyes burned, but he still didn’t cry.
It had taken a lot of time and work for them to be able to comfort each other like this. Soft touches didn't come easily to either Andrew or Neil, but they still tried. And it was always enough.
It was a miracle Andrew didn’t say anything about how sentimental Neil was being. He must have realized what a really bad day it was, and that the jokes won’t fall right on Neil today.
“Get up, you need to eat,” Andrew said, softly smoothing Neil’s eyebrows with his fingers.
“I don’t want to,” Neil grumbled like a child.
“Don’t be childish. C’mon,” Andrew replied, rolling his eyes.
Neil didn’t have energy to say anything more, so he nodded and tried to get up.
✧
Neil came home from practice one night to find Andrew watching a very old Egyptian film that Neil distantly remembered the name of. It had been one of his favorites as a kid, only because his mum used to put it on when he was very little. Neil thought he must have been barely six years old back then, but it was one of the brightest memories he had of spending a good time with her.
Neil was confused; he knew Andrew didn’t understand any Arabic, yet he was watching the film without subtitles. For some reason.
Andrew looked up when Neil’s footsteps got loud enough to warn him of his presence, and he jumped like he had been caught watching porn, and not just a film. Neil found himself smiling involuntarily.
“Why are you watching without subtitles?”
Andrew looked like he was going to lie, then he caught himself. With a sigh he said, “I already watched it two times with subtitles before this.”
“Why are you watching the same movie three times?”
Andrew didn’t answer, but when Neil came into the room, he found a pen in Andrew’s hand. A notebook was open in his lap that was filled with Arabic vocabulary and the meaning of the words in English beside it.
Neil’s heart was in his throat. “Are you trying to learn Arabic?” he asked, voice a little shaky.
“It’s your mother tongue and you have no one to speak it with,” Andrew said, sounding bored, but Neil knew he just didn’t want to be caught doing something nice. It was too vulnerable. Neil loved him so much.
Neil cleared his throat, trying not to get too emotional or he would start crying, this time for real. He moved closer to Andrew, who was trying to look everywhere else except at Neil.
Neil felt so much affection for this man that he wanted to smother him, but he just got even closer and kissed him softly.
Andrew huffed in annoyance, but kissed him back, and sneaked his hand into Neil’s hair, tugging lightly at the roots until Neil gasped and almost fell.
Neil wanted to bite Andrew until he drew blood. He wanted to eat and consume him whole. He pulled back nipping on Andrew’s bottom lip. It wasn’t enough; he wanted to be far inside Andrew’s skin, and make a home for himself.
Neil tried to calm down, and put the cannibalistic thoughts to a rest, but the urge was still there.
Neil opened his mouth to say something, but Andrew put his hand over his lips and shushed him. “Don’t say anything stupid.” Stupid as in something sappy that would make Andrew blush to his ears and then ignore him. Neil smiled at him and nodded.
Grateful that Neil wasn’t gonna say something about how nice or lovely or amazing Andrew was (and he really, really was), Andrew sighed and dropped his face into Neil’s neck.
“What are you watching anyway?” Neil asked, petting Andrew’s head, fingers still in his hair.
“El bab El maftooh,” Andrew awkwardly said. The Open Door.
His pronunciation was quite shit.
“Ah.”
Andrew frowned. “How wrong am I saying it?”
“It’s not that bad,” Neil reassured him quickly.
“Neil.”
“Okay, it’s just how you pronounce the ‘H’. You say it in the American way. It's supposed to be ح and that’s not a letter in English, so you just need some practice.”
“I know. I memorized the alphabet, but there are a few sounds I still can’t pronounce correctly.” Andrew was still frowning.
“I can give you some examples for it, if you want?” Neil offered.
“I wanted to learn without help. You do not have to teach me,” Andrew said stupidly.
“You’re an idiot,” Neil said, his voice fond.
Andrew scrunched his nose up at him and huffed.
Neil didn’t know how to explain it to him, since English didn’t have that sound, and for Neil it was just muscle memory. He had never had to think about it until now.
“Enta hayati,” Neil whispered, a little shyly.
Andrew’s face didn’t change. He didn’t know what the fuck Neil had just said, and was waiting for him to elaborate.
Neil didn’t. Instead, he draped himself all over Andrew and kissed him breathless until they both forgot (well, not Andrew) what they were talking about.
Neil was a little bit wound up from Andrew’s gesture. He knew Andrew loved him; he always showed it with actions more than words, but still it made Neil’s emotions bubble up inside him until he wanted to burst from the affection.
Andrew slipped his hands under Neil’s shirt, and his mind went blank.
Adjusting himself to sit in Andrew’s lap more comfortably, he started kissing and sucking bruises into Andrew’s neck. He then pulled back to look at Andrew; he was so beautiful that it broke Neil’s heart sometimes.
El hayah mn gheru malhash ay maa’na, Neil thought distractedly, and it was the complete truth. Neil didn’t think he’d survive it.
✧
Andrew stopped hiding the fact that he was learning Arabic for Neil after that day. Whether it was because he had been embarrassed to be caught doing something that showed how sweet he actually was, or because he wasn’t sure if he would succeed, Neil didn’t know. At the end of the day it didn’t matter. It meant everything to Neil that he tried.
Neil felt heard and known.
Being known wasn’t so scary anymore; Neil still had the urge to run when things got too chaotic, but it was always a passing thought, an instinct stuck from the past that he would never act on.
He could never leave Andrew, or his family.
Neil found Andrew watching YouTube videos on how to pronounce the letters ح and ع almost obsessively. Trying to make his throat form the sound, but failing. It took him some time, but eventually he perfected it.
Neil wasn’t surprised Andrew didn’t give up, but it was still weird hearing his mother tongue coming out of Andrew’s mouth.
It filled him with so much warmth, that he found himself constantly on the verge of tearing up, which on second thought might have been the weirdest part about this whole ordeal.
Neil vaguely remembered crying when he was a kid, but even as little as he had been at age six, he understood that crying only made things worse. His father had preferred it when Neil was silent, when he didn’t show weakness, and as he got older, he stopped crying completely. The tears just wouldn’t get out; it was both depressing and suffocating.
Neil startled out of his thoughts when he felt arms wrapped around his chest, but when he realized who it was, a smile started to tug at his lips. Neil’s whole body went limp, and he let Andrew hold him up.
Andrew always held him up. Physically and metaphorically.
Sometimes Neil loved him so much he felt sick with it, surely one person couldn't feel that much— and yet.
Andrew kissed his hair softly, and Neil waited him out. He knew Andrew was preparing to say something. It had been obvious to Neil all day; Andrew liked to think that he was great at hiding his emotions and keeping it off his face but Neil always just knew.
Neil didn’t say anything, content to let Andrew nuzzle his face in his neck. Shivering slightly, he pushed their bodies closer together.
The need to be inside Andrew’s skin seemed to be getting worse by the day.
“Neil?” Andrew whispered tentatively.
Neil hummed to let him know he was listening.
“I—“ Andrew started, but stopped. He didn’t say anything for a full minute.
Neil looked up at him, and kept his face open, patiently waiting for Andrew.
“Ana baheibak,” Andrew said, quietly but firmly.
Neil’s breath got stuck in his throat.
Andrew closed his eyes quickly and pushed his face in Neil’s neck again, biting lightly, willing Neil to not make a big deal of his vulnerability.
It’s not like Neil didn’t know. He already knew they were it for each other; they showed their love in actions more than words, because neither of them were any good at it, but this? Neil hadn’t expected it.
And the fact that this was the first time Neil heard an “I love you” in his own language. His mother had never one for affection. He couldn’t remember if she had ever told him that she loved him. He was sure she never had; it would have been as awkward in her mouth as it was in Neil’s.
Neil had heard “I love you” countless times from Nicky, Matt, Dan and even that one time Wymack had mumbled it to him, before pretending he hadn’t said anything.
So, Neil knew that he was loved.
He still felt dizzy from the soft way Andrew had said it to him. Neil realized he was still silent and tried to get his shit together to tell Andrew that he loved him just as much, if not more, but he couldn’t make his mouth to cooperate. He just stood there, frozen for a minute.
Andrew didn’t say anything, and Neil knew he didn’t expect anything; he had just wanted to say it, so he did.
Neil’s heart was so full he wanted to smash his head into the nearest wall.
Andrew pulled back and brushed the pad of his thumb against Neil’s cheek softly, and Neil’s eyes widened.
He was crying.
He didn’t realize that there were actual tears falling until Andrew wiped them away.
Neil fell forward into Andrew’s arms, and this time he was the one with his face pressed up against Andrew’s neck, hiding his face. He tried to stifle his sniffles and calm down.
Andrew brushed his fingers into Neil’s curls softly and didn’t say anything.
After a while, Neil pulled back. “Ana kaman baheibak ya ruhi,” he said just as softly.
Andrew tensed against him before his breath left him all in one go; too quickly he tried to hide his gasp, but Neil still felt it against him.
“I didn’t know this would trigger a full meltdown,” Andrew said a bit sarcastically.
Neil huffed a laugh. “Well, I didn't know you would say you love me. You can’t hold me responsible for my emotional reaction.” Neil scrunched his nose at him.
Andrew rolled his eyes and pinched his arms lightly. “Shut up, you idiot.”
Neil closed his eyes again and smiled.