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Not without you, Rook.
Neve's words had hit her in the chest like a harpoon and the weight of them had been sitting heavy on Rook. She sat up in bed, chest heaving as she struggled to take a full breath. Everything was so close, so closed off. She needed to get out of here. She glanced at the sleeping mage beside her and smiled softly. Emmrich's graying hair had fallen over his forehead as he slept and she could see the weariness that had settled into the lines of his face in her absence. Rook pushed aside his hair and leaned over to kiss his brow before sliding quietly out of bed.
She threw on some clothes and grabbed a pair of shoes before leaving the room and padding silently down the stairs to the Eluvian room. She slipped her shoes on and entered the magic mirror, making her way to the halls of the Necropolis. She expertly weaved through the halls and was happy she managed to avoid other Watchers on her way to her childhood hiding spot.
She had found this spot growing up in the Necropolis and had turned it into quite a fort throughout her years here. Everything was a bit dusty and had a certain familiar, musty scent lingering on it. Not exactly the fresh air she wanted, but the familiarity and comfort was what she needed right now. She settled onto the makeshift bed she had fashioned so long ago and tried to take a deep breath, but it was once again caught in her throat.
Not without you, Rook.
Neve's actual words had been "There was no way we could have stopped Solas. Not without you, Rook."
Not would have – could have.
Not that they would not have stopped Solas without her. Neve had said they could not have stopped Solas without her.
Not without her.
It was all so foreign, this concept of being anything but expendable was laughable. It was how her life literally started. Whoever had birthed her had found her expendable and left her, no, hid her away in the Necropolis. She had been raised by various Watchers, but she never had a mother or father. She was loved in the way anyone loves a child that isn't their own and isn't really that person's responsibility. She had a whole Watcher order of aunts and uncles that cared for her, adored her maybe, but never claimed her.
That changed as she got older. People expected more of her and tolerated her childish antics less and less despite the fact she was still a child. So she threw herself into her studies and perfected her craft. She was incredibly intelligent and knew everything she needed to know about being a Watcher. She was lethal from afar as she threw her shield at foes and even deadlier up close with her blade. She was beautiful and charming. She was everything someone could have wanted, but nothing anyone saw fit to keep.
Eventually, even the Watchers let her go in favor of politics. Rook didn't blame them. It was just who she was meant to be - the person in your life for a short time and that short time wasn't even guaranteed to be a good or memorable time.
Varric was the first person who picked her, but it was really only out of convenience and a lack of other options. She was never his first choice, but they had settled into a comfortable partnership and friendship looking for Solas. And look how that turned out. They had released ancient gods and blighted the world. Varric was dead, Harding was dead, Bellara was gone. The team had been irrevocably broken because of her choices.
She had gotten her hopes up when she realized she had developed feelings for Emmrich. He was a fellow Watcher and had been as surprised and desperate for her love as she was for his. But he quickly made her realize her love would be a placeholder until he became a lich. She fell in love with him anyways thinking it could be her only chance and was prepared to be left behind again. Even though he did not choose lichdom, she was still left behind in a way. He made the choice to save Manfred and bring him back, not to choose mortal life because of his love for her. She loved him anyways, again thinking he would be her only chance.
Not without you, Rook.
The words clawed at her throat and cut off her breath. Suddenly she felt like her lungs were filled with water and she struggled to breath. She took shallow ragged breaths trying to will away the pressure that was building inside her at the mere idea that she was not expendable.
The team had apparently spent the few week she was trapped in the Fade doing everything they could do get her out. Solas was helping Minrathous for now and they didn’t need to focus on him because Rook was gone. Rook thought them foolish for letting Solas get as far as he did, they should have left her be. And that was when Neve said it.
Not without you, Rook.
Neve. Rook had chosen Treviso and let Minrathous be blighted and the Venatori take over. Rook thought the Shadow Dragons would be a solid defense when Treviso had no one but the Crows. How could Neve have had such faith in her after Rook had let her down so terribly?
Rook had lashed out at them, her team, angry that they had chosen to save her instead of continuing the mission. They were the experts in their respective fields and Rook had only been assigned to bring them together. She had done that, her job was done. Her anger was met with an outpouring of love from her team. Her… family?
Davrin told her he and Assan never would achieved the level of trust in each other without Rook’s constant encouragement.
Lucanis was grateful for Rook and credited her with the harmony he and Spite now lived in.
Rook had become a trusted friend and confidant to Neve in a world where trust was bought by the highest bidder. Rook’s strength in the face of all of this had inspired Neve to step up and be a leader for Minrathous.
Taash thanked Rook for helping Harding find balance within herself and not letting Harding be consumed by the anger at what had been done to her ancestors. They also could proudly call themselves Rivaini thanks to Rook.
Emmrich had taken a private moment to confess his love for her and the absolute dread he felt in her absence. He’d finally found the love of his life in her only for her to be ripped away. He apologized for their argument before she had disappeared and promised to never let his fears cloud their relationship again.
None of this made sense to Rook. How many times had she heard, “Oh, Rook! You’re here!”? The team would shuffle around to make room for her, but then the moment lost when they would have to explain the inside jokes and anecdotes to her. They would slowly trickle away from the table to do their own thing, so she started declining the chances to be with them. She had seen the notes about book club. The commentary on each other lives and work were scattered about the Lighthouse. They had intertwined their lives together and sometimes it felt like she were inside of a play watching the characters act out the scenes of this adventure, but never quite able to join them on stage.
Not without you, Rook.
The panic clawed itself back up her chest and threatened to consume her once more, but instead a wailing sob broke free. It was a mournful song full of lost hope and broken dreams. Tears streamed down her face as she let out everything she had buried inside her.
Warm hands wrapped around her waist and gold-ringed fingers wiped away her tears. He placed soft kisses on her cheeks and whispered words of comfort as she cried in his arms. She had done this for him many times. She had held Emmrich dearly when his own fears of death reared up and panic took the reins. Of course he had found her, she forgot she had told him about this secret hiding spot of hers.
“My darling, talk to me. What happened in the Fade?” He assumed all of this was because of what Solas had done, but in reality what was weeks for them had only been hours for her.
“Honestly, nothing. It really did only seem like hours. I’m sorry I made you all worry so much. There was no need. Not for me,” she replied.
“What ever do you mean, my love?” Emmrich sat up and adjusted so Rook was laying back against his chest. He held her tightly and leaned his head against hers, the contact reassuring to him that she was back.
“Neve already told you. We couldn’t have done this without you. None of what we have accomplished would have been possible without you. You brought us all together and then kept us together, do you not see that?”
She did or at least she was starting too.
“My whole life has been fleeting, Emm. People come and go, no one stays. Maybe I’m here to affect someone’s life for a short time and move on. It’s ok if that’s my lot in life because at least it has a purpose.” she shrugged her shoulders. “Even you only stayed mortal for Manfred.”
Emmrich went still for a moment before gently grasping her jaw and turning her face to his. He had a pained expression on his face and tears had welled up in his eyes.
“Remy Ingellvar. That is enough of that. That is absolutely false. Do not speak of yourself that way ever again. Did you not hear everyone earlier tell you how much you’ve helped them? Did you not hear me?” He spoke so softly as if he were worried that she might slip away.
“Of course I did! I just… it was… well, it was just about what Neve said. That it couldn’t be done without me.”
She poured her heart out to him and told him every thought that had plagued her since her return just hours ago. The realization that she had been chosen by this team, she was wanted and loved by this team was a crushing truth for her to bear. But each breath came a bit easier for her with every truth revealed.
Emmrich sat and listened to her every word with his own heart breaking for his beloved and the burden she had been silently bearing alone. He cried when she told him that she loved him anyways despite being so sure he would leave her for lichdom and continuing to love him under the assumption he was mortal for anyone but her.
“You know, standing in that room facing my own life and death was so surreal. The choice was before me and I could have taken the opportunity to quell my fear of death once and for all. Except standing there I realized that choosing immortality was not really facing my fears at all. It was simply avoiding them.” He stroked long fingers up and down her arm and held her tightly against him.
“Watching you charge head first into every situation with no fear was what made me realize how cowardly I had been. Of course, the more I knew you and loved you the more the fears started to include your death as well as mine.” He chuckled softly and let out a deep sigh.
“And Harding did not help by basically reinforcing them all.” Guilt twinged inside her at the lingering feelings of resentment towards Harding and Rook wondered if she chose Harding subconsciously knowing that her death was possible.
“Don’t blame her, her thoughts were already ones that had been rattling around in my head for some time. I shouldn’t have let her worries affirm my own. And I should not have put that burden on you. Thinking back on it now, I had made my choice the moment we first kissed.” He kissed the top of her head and rested his cheek in the same spot.
They continued to talk and he continued to remind her of all the times she had been chosen by him and by the rest of the team. Every word of reassurance made this new truth and this new found worth within herself easier to accept.
He made the same reassurances as he did earlier as they made love in her fort. He loved her, he chose her today and would choose her every day. He stayed mortal for her. There was no life or life in death without her. Every touch, every kiss, every thrust weaved her broken soul back together until they lay there sated and spent, finally drifting off to sleep tangled up in each other.
Several hours later they awoke and returned to the Lighthouse. Rook felt lighter and the task ahead seemed far less daunting than it had before. Assan greeted her with a loud squawk as she passed him on her way to the kitchen and Manfred shouted a raspy hello from above. She opened the kitchen doors to find Davrin, Neve, and Taash at the table eating breakfast and playing cards.
“Rook! You’re here!” Lucanis called out as he came from the pantry with a large hazelnut tort and his signature cup of coffee. “I made this to celebrate your return, but I am afraid if we don’t eat it now Assan will find a way to make it his lunch.”
Davrin laughed as he waved Rook over and made a spot for her between himself and Taash. Instinct kicked in and she opened her mouth to decline the invitation, but stopped herself and smiled brightly at her friends. No, they were her family. She settled in between them and gave Taash’s hand a squeeze.
“I would love to! Now tell me everything that happened while I was gone.”