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They had thought they were in the clear, they hadn’t thought that things could have gone to this point. You see, they are all gathered here today to celebrate a person, a young man who has done things and survived something very few could think of.
They were holding a funeral for Evan Buckley.
Athena and Bobby planned the whole thing, despite Bucks parents being around, they knew there was nothing else they could have done. Nothing stops the duo that is the Grant-Nash family when they put their minds to something. They took Maddies input because if it weren’t for her they wouldn’t have any pictures of Buck when he was younger, and she practically raised the young man.
The three people that are getting hit the hardest from the death of the 118’s youngest member are Athena, Christopher, and Maddie. Bobby is trying to be as strong as he can be for his wife, he knows if he doesn’t, he will break and he knows there’s no coming back from that, and he can’t make Athena bury another person.
Christopher has been clinging to Eddie, you see, it had been only a month ago that the Tsunami had happened. Buck was the boys rock, Buck was what was proving to the youngest Diaz that he could live through this trauma, but now that he’s gone, Eddie has had to try to pick up the slack, but he knows he will never be as good at it as Buck was.
Maddie has been needing the support of Bobby, and Chimney. If it weren’t for the man who had stepped up for Buck, and her boyfriend she knows she wouldn’t be where is right now. She doesn’t know how she’s standing where she is right now, because this isn’t the first brother she has had to put in the ground. But there’s something different about this, it could have been because of how Buck had died compared to Daniel, or it could have been because she had practically raised Buck.
Finally Athena, she’s taking it the hardest out of the three. While many would question why, when the context is explained it all makes sense. She lost her adopted step son, but what had taken him was entirely preventable, if someone had just payed attention, or told him not to do something stupid this wouldn’t have happened.
She had been so careful and cautious about mental health after May had nearly killed herself, so she knew the signs, she had made sure she knew all of them, the common and the rare. Yet somehow she had missed one, one clue. And now, a kid she grown to love as one of her own, is gone and won’t be able to come back, died because all of them were too self centred to notice he was struggling.
So now they have to bury a Brother, a Son, a parental figure, and a damn good firefighter.
The look on Christopher’s face when they lower the casket is enough to make people break down. Eddie is holding him trying to comfort his son who had just lost his best friend, a man who was practically his dad. While Eddie was trying to hold back his emotions, because he had just lost the man he… he doesn’t know what his feelings to buck were, what he does know is that it feels like he’s burying Shannon again. But he knows that if he lets himself break down he won’t be as strong as he needs to be fore Chris, but he also knows that he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep this charade going on, some day the band will snap, and he silently prays to whatever god is out there that he won’t fuck his kid up.
As Athena is watching the father son duo she looks to Bobby, she knows he’s breaking, she doesn’t know how much longer he can keep this up, she rubs her hand across his shoulders trying to comfort him in whatever way she thinks may help him bear. He just pulls her to lean into him, and rests his head on hers. He needs to feel useful.
He had thought he had made a life here, he hadn’t really lost any of his people, sure they’ve had close calls, but no deaths. Until now, and not only is it a death, but it happened technically under his watch, and that he and Athena will be the two that will need to find the answers.
For you see, the death of Even Buckley had occurred at Bobby and Athena’s home about 2 weeks ago.
Buck had come by, they had noticed something was off with Buck, but had decided he had been through enough for any one man that he didn’t need them constantly questioning everything he feels. The just had hoped he felt like he could have trusted them.
Buck had his usual smile on as he comes into the house, except this time it doesn’t quite light up his whole face and he says “Ready to learn Bobby” as he heads down the steps to the kitchen
Bobby’s face lights up at the sight of the younger man he’s taken under his wing. He quickly starts showing Buck how to cook what they were having that night.
Athena was sitting at the kitchen table smiling at the two lovable dorky men in front of her. One her deeply traumatised husband, and the other her son who has been through more than anyone his age should ever have to go through. She had seen the way they’re joking, some of the jokes targeted at her, but she had returned with comments of her own. The air in this house was light and full of love and joy, two feelings that would be passed over in this house later that night.
You see Buck had come hoping he could avoid his emotions, but the moment he had been put in the spare bedroom and the door shut, everything came flooding back. An overwhelming feeling of loneliness, that was when he made up his mind, that was when he had told himself that there was no turning back.
He had justified it to himself by saying things like “if I’m not a firefighter I’m useless” or “If I can’t help people in this world there’s no use for there to be an Evan Buckley.”
Had he told anyone that he was feeling this way? No, because he knew if he did that they would be all over him, he would never have any down time, always have them sending babysitters, which would be worse than just letting him fade away.
So he grabbed a bottle of pills once he knew everyone was asleep. The label read propanolol 40 mg, a common quick release panic attack med. He also pulls out a flask of everclear, not one of the ones with a low ABV, if he wanted this to work he chose the one that’s 95% alcohol by volume.
He knew that it wouldn’t taste good, but he also knew that he didn’t care about how it tasted just that it worked. He had chosen this way because he didn’t want to cause a mess, but he also didn’t want to be completely and totally alone when he died. So he opens both bottles, filling his mouth with everclear first, before putting 4 pills in at a time, he wants them to take effect, not choke on them. Because in theory, if he takes enough his heart rate will just slow to nothing as the pills and alcohol render him unconscious.
In the end Buck took 60 of the pills, and probably the equivalent of 12 or 13 shots of everclear. If the drugs won’t kill him, alcohol poisoning will. No matter what he won’t feel it. So he finished off another swig of the everclear before putting it away, and pulling out his will, he left it in a notebook where they could easily find it. He hadn’t wanted anyone to think he had killed himself, because he knows that would only make them hurt more, easier to make it look like he just had a medical episode.
He lays down in the bed, getting comfortable as he feels the effects of both the alcohol and the drugs kicking in, he starts feeling drowsy, he knows he could technically have a seizure, but even if that happens everyone else in the house is asleep, and there would be no sign of it. So he curls up in the bed with a smile on his face as he slowly loses himself to the darkness.
In the morning Bobby had woken up and peaked his head in and said “Buck I’m going to make breakfast, see you down there” before leaving the door slightly ajar
When Buck hadn’t come down for nearly 30 minutes Athena headed to check in on him. First she had knocked on the door gentle “Buck?”
When she didn’t hear an answer she opens the door more and sits on the edge of the bed, and gently shakes his shoulder “Buck, time to wake up”
When yet again there was no response Athena had started to get slightly worried and said a bit firmer “Buck wake up”
But of course he did not. That was when she notices his chest isn’t moving, there was no rise and fall to indicate breathing, so she checked. That was when she had found that the man who had basically become her son, had no pulse.
Her eyes had gone wide as she moved his lifeless body from the bed to the ground, because he was in a blanket there was no way for her to tell from body temperature just how long he had been like this, so she yelled for Bobby and started doing chest compressions.
Having heard the panic in his wife’s voice Bobby ran as fast as he could to the room, that’s when he saw her doing CPR on a young man he had come to see as a son “Athena what happened”
“Do I look like I know?” She had snapped back before demanding Bobby “Call 911”
He promptly grabbed his phone and called 911, but when they got there there was no obvious signs of life, so they had escorted Athena and Bobby out of the room, knowing that seeing a corpse of someone you are close to can be gut wrenching. So they leave the room, and find a way to tell everyone that Buck had died, and they don’t know how yet.
~~~~
7 years after the funeral Chris turns 16. He remembers roughly what happened with Buck, and that he was like another dad to him, so, like him when he asked his dad to get him a Jeep he could drive Eddies heart both melts with love for his son, and shatters at the loss of such a good man.
That’s when it finally clicks, there’s a reason why he feels the love for trying to emulate Buck, he realises it’s because he… Buck was more than just a friend, he had picked up on people and their reactions right when Buck had killed himself, but now, seeing their son trying to be more like the man who helped raise him that had died only served to make Eddie feel even more emotional.
Of course mr.emotionally constipated doesn’t physically react with anything more than an “Of course mijo” and a fluff of the hair.
~~~~
Two years later at Christopher’s graduation Eddie realises that as long as he has Chris he will be fine.
~~~~
15 years later Eddie is walking Chris, his now 33 year old son, down the isle. He had never suspected Christopher could be Pan, but he knows that Chris is a good kid, and so is his now life partner. In a way they remind Eddie of himself, and Chris reminds him of Buck.
One more cheery, but still serious when needed, and the other more ridged and harsh on the rules. It makes his heart ache for what he can’t have.
~~~~
22 years later Eddie is now 75. He tried dating after Buck died but he never found that spark that they shared, now he’s sitting in front of 3 graves. The graves of Athena Grant-Nash, Bobby Nash, and Evan Buckley. The family reunited in the graveyard, while it may seem cynical he doesn’t care. Bobby had died when he was about 65 due to liver failure, and Athena died when she was 70, she was his rock after Buck had passed.
So now he’s sitting, talking with the man he realised he loved too late, and the family he help create. He knows he can never turn back time but he wishes he could hold Buck one more time.
A few days later Eddie dies due to complications with being exposed to certain things as a firefighter and military man.
When he dies he looks around that’s when he sees him, Buck, the love of his life running at him with their whole fire family around. So Eddie runs with his now 29 year old body at the man he loved so much that he didn’t even understand until he was gone.
When they finally make contact it’s like Eddie breathes a new breath of life and looks up at the slightly taller, younger man, and asks in a timid voice “Buck, can I kiss you”
Buck doesn’t respond with words, he just crashes his lips into Eddies as he holds his face, both of them start crying and just hold each other knowing now they have all the time in the world.