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Back Home To You
I didn’t think I would get this chance.
I didn’t think he’d let me come back to him. I never would have guessed at the beginning of this night that I would end up finding him, kissing him in front of everyone I knew and standing next to him like nothing bad had ever happened these past few weeks. I didn’t deserve it. But here we were.
My head was nestled between his chin and shoulder. My heart thumping in my chest, sure and steady. He nuzzled into me, and I could swear I felt him smile into my hair. My stomach did a tiny flip.
He’s right here. All mine.
My arms slid around his, clinging to him, holding him tightly to my chest.
I could never let go.
Not now, not after everything we had been through.
Everything…I…had put him through.
A pang of guilt tore through my heart. I clutched his arm tighter, one hand moving down to intertwine our fingers together. His hand was warm, grounding me. But I knew I had to talk to him. Even though it made my mouth go dry and my stomach twist. I had to.
I had to know how he just let me walk back to him so easily.
As the crowd was calming down from my dad’s set, I pulled away to look at him. His brown eyes met mine and for a moment I couldn’t breathe. The look he had in his eyes was something I couldn’t even name, but it set my heart alight. And suddenly that gave me all the courage I needed.
“Wanna walk?” I asked, hand still holding his.
He flashed me his trademark grin, “Sure” he replied, giving my hand a slight squeeze.
Without another word I pulled him eagerly through the crowd. Dodging and weaving, giggling and looking back at each other every now and then as we traversed through the chaos. Just as we were almost out, I caught a glimpse of our friend group from across the way.
They were laughing, making ridiculous gestures and talking animatedly. Matteo and Zoe draped over a banister together feeding each other popcorn. Lukas looking nervous as he told a story to Lore, trying to impress her.
And then – Valarie caught my eye. She was already looking at us. At me.
For a moment time slowed down.
Her eyes scanned mine. A lump formed in my throat. The guilt showing up again. I could only look at her with what felt like a pathetic attempt at an apologetic face. I knew I’d been more than unfair to her too. That she had every right to ignore me completely or maybe even hurl abuse at me.
But then she smiled. That sweet, small smile I knew so well.
She nodded, slowly. An understanding. An acceptance.
Relief flooded my chest, grateful. Earlier she had let me go and I was in too much of a hurry to respond. Even now, all I could do was nod back to her with a hopeful smile. And that seemed to be enough.
She turned back to the others diving right back into the conversation with practiced ease. I made a mental note to text her later.
I continued to pull Alexander out of the crowd to the field behind us, adorned with sweet aromas of the food stalls, carnival rides and flickering festival lights that made the grass glow all kinds of colours. We fell into a slow-paced stroll, taking in the atmosphere. My hand hadn’t left his for a second.
I looked at him, smiling as he admired the surroundings with a casual smile and his usual air of quiet confidence. The glow of the carnival lights dancing on his skin. His soft brown curls framing his face. He was so handsome. Shit, I’m so lucky.
“Have you ever been to a harvest festival like this before?” I asked quietly, swaying our joined hands gently.
He shook his head and smiled as he looked around “Not one like this. It’s more…rural. And pretty.”
I nodded, taking in the sight of him. He looked so content being here. So casual.
“I’m glad I got to see you tonight”, I said as my thumb drew gentle circles into the top of his hand, “Your dad told me you felt too sick to come.”
Alex looked at me then, a flicker of a guilty smile on his face “I lied” he began, kicking a stray pebble lightly from the ground “I wasn’t sick, I just couldn’t make up my mind about coming. I didn’t really feel like it…” he trailed off, looking to the floor.
I knew why. I didn’t need to ask. I had been a total dick to him. And all I had sent him was a stupid shitty one worded sorry via text. What the fuck was wrong with me?
We were silent for a moment. I could feel his hand slightly tense in mine. The air becoming weighted. But I wasn’t going to let it hold me down. I remembered what my grandpa had said to me when we were sat on his special bench together.
“Always follow your heart, and don’t get stuck inside your head”
I stopped walking, gently pulling Alexander to face me. I released his hand for the first time in ages. He blinked at me for a second but then waited. His eyes searching mine. My heart picked up the pace, knowing what it wanted to say, hoping my mouth would follow through.
“Alex…I’m so sorry.” I began, my voice wavering slightly “I’m so sorry for what I said at Valerie’s party. And everything in between.”
Alex’s eyes softened, shoulders dropping a little like any amount of tension he had held left him. His lips parted slightly like he was going to say something but then didn’t. Instead, he waited again, patiently. Full attention on me.
“I’ve been a total asshole to you these past few weeks. Pretending like the things we did never happened, like what we felt didn’t exist because…” I swallowed, looking down to the grass unable to look at him “…I was scared.”
I heard him exhale and his feel shuffle on the spot slightly. But I still couldn’t look at him. I didn’t dare. One look from those pretty chocolate brown eyes could undo me before I was done.
“I was scared of what I felt, confused about why I felt it, angry about why I couldn’t figure it out…” My voice was shaking now. The emotion bubbling up in my throat like a wave I couldn’t stop.
“And I took it out on you,” I mumbled. Feeling pathetic. “When I could have just talked to you about it”. Hot tears were starting to form in my eyes. I clenched my fists trying to hold myself upright. Trying to stop my throat from closing up completely.
“I pushed you away, said horrible things…” my voice cracked, and I could feel I was shaking. “Hurting you…”
I felt him step closer to me. But my eyes stayed glued to the grass. Like it was the one giving me courage.
“It wasn’t true” I could barely speak in an even voice now, tears falling from my eyes onto the leaves below. I hastily tried to wipe them away as I made an effort to continue. “I don’t want you to go back to Brussels”.
My heart jumped and I squeezed my eyes shut, face red, almost at the breaking point. But I had to say it. Everything bundled up in my heart that demanded to be felt.
“I want you to stay here with me!” I cried out to him “I never want to push you away again! Because I know now what these feelings are, and I can tell you I…”
My voice caught in my throat as I chocked out a sob, everything becoming too much. The guilt, the sorrow, the anticipation “…I…”
I suddenly felt a warmth. Arms closing around my body, pulling me close. Hands gripping me around my shoulders like I could disappear in a flash. A heartbeat that didn’t belong to me hammering against my chest through my shirt. Hot breath next to my neck.
“Elias.”
My eyes flew open.
Alexander was wrapped around me. Fitting perfectly against me like it was meant to be.
Because it was.
The wall I had built up broke and I fell into whatever possible space was left between us. Melting, trusting him completely to hold me together. His face was buried in my neck, his arms firm yet safe around me. A safety blanket I could honestly stay in forever.
“I get it.” Alex whispered, “I understand. I got you.” I felt his hand on the back of my head, caressing my hair. He pressed a kiss to my temple making me shiver. If it was possible to melt more, I did.
I shuddered, another sob leaving me. I allowed myself to finally embrace him back, my arms snaking around his waist. Not strong, but there.
“But I don’t understand” I said weakly “How could you forgive me so easily? How could you let me kiss you just now after…everything?”
Alexander pulled away from me slightly, looking into my eyes. He reached up to gently wipe my tears away before pressing our foreheads together. I breathed him in, waiting for his answer.
“Because I’ve been where you were. Everything you’ve felt. I’ve been there.” He said, his voice sure and steady. I leaned back a little to look at him. His eyes met mine with a gentleness that made me feel helpless but somehow safe all at once.
“I know I said to you when we met that love is the best feeling ever. And it is. But like, it’s also…” he trailed off for a moment “…fucking crazy”.
That made me chuckle. For the first time since being back together. The sound erupting between us making him giggle in response. He was so right it was unreal.
“It makes us do crazy things. Say stupid shit. When I first fell for Arthur, I was scared too. I was like, 11 years old and had never fallen in love before. I guess I could say I was quicker at accepting it because I’ve always known I was different. But feeling all that, all at once? Not knowing how to process it all?” he took my hands in his and looked down at them, serious “It’s a lot.”
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. So, I just looked at him, waiting.
He pulled away from me, turning to look at the lights around us. Rainbow colours pulsing through the air.
“Elias, I came here tonight because I was sick of being mad at you. I realised what was happening with you and I remembered what it felt like. I was pacing around my room after my family had left wondering if I should go. Wondering if I would bump into you and what I would say…” I stared at him intently. Hanging on every word. He stared up at the strings of fairy lights around us.
“I picked up my phone and opened our convo. I read your text, ‘I hope we can meet up again’. And then the next thing I knew I was racing out of my door and running. Like reading that text again was fate. I didn’t even think of taking my bike” he let out a soft laugh as he played with his bracelet absentmindedly, a gentle breeze tousled his wavy locks “I remember walking through the crowd and hearing your dad singing so I went towards him. I’d never been to a festival before, so I just followed my gut.”
I smiled. That was when I had seen him and jumped out of the cart. Just the memory made my leg pang with a small hint of pain again. That had hurt. But it was so worth it.
“I was just chilling listening to your dad sing his love songs. And I had this feeling, ‘If Elias and I were meant to be, despite everything, he would be here’.” He turned to face me, his eyes glimmering with light. The rainbow-colours dancing through the air around him. He looked ethereal.
“And that’s when I saw you.”
A breath escaped me, I couldn’t believe it. My eyes widened and I couldn’t help the grin that grew on my face. I remember him standing there. I couldn’t believe it either, that he was there. That he had showed up after all.
Alexander moved back towards me, stopping when our faces were so close I could feel his hot breath on my lips. His gaze fixed on me.
“And you looked at me, and I swear I heard every single word you were thinking, through your eyes... ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me, I’ve been a jerk, I’m scared you’ll hate me…’” He listed off everything, counting on his fingers. I stared at him in disbelief. I could have fainted right there. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Because he was right. I was so nervous at that moment that I couldn’t speak. Just moved towards him hoping he’d understand.
His hands slid up to cup my face, his thumbs brushing my cheeks so softly I thought I might disintegrate. But he held me there like I was the most precious possession he owned.
“And that was it. I forgave you in a heartbeat. Because I saw you. I heard you. You showed up, Elias. And I just knew…” He pressed his forehead to mind, his eyes closing with a sigh of content.
“…we’d always find a way back to each other. We’ll work through whatever shit comes our way”.
His eyes met mine again. Ocean and Earth.
“If that’s not love, then what is?”
My heart leapt in my chest. I blinked through the tears that had formed in my eyes once more. I let out a laugh of pure relief, my heart bursting at the seams. This guy was a God damn poet. He always knew exactly what to say, exactly how to rip my emotions apart and then put all the pieces back together again with ease. I couldn’t help but bring my hands up to cup his face too. His skin was soft, warm, home. I couldn’t believe he was mine. He leaned into my touch. His chocolate eyes so full of fondness.
“Bastard, I was gonna say it first” I laughed, squishing his cheeks together. He chuckled, pushing me away playfully.
“You already did!” he smirked, wiggling an eyebrow “With your eyes.”
I rolled my eyes at him, laughing as I pushed him again but there was no force behind it “Oh my god, shut up, you’re so damn cheesy!” I squealed out, blushing.
He laughed, light and full as he caught my arms and pulled me back in. I fell against him, steadying myself against his chest. My fingers curling into his shirt. I could feel the strong muscles of his torso beneath my touch, and I suddenly felt the heat rise to my cheeks and fresh butterflies release into my stomach. He nuzzled his face into my neck again. His hot breath against my skin once more, making me shiver. His arms enveloping me like second nature.
“Go on, then. Say it” he murmured, his tone sounding almost like a plea. Something I hadn’t heard from him before. That alone made me want to die. My heart was thumping so hard I’m sure he could feel it.
His hands lazily caressed my back. And then I felt it. A slow, lingering kiss to my neck. His soft hair tickling my cheeks. I wanted to evaporate. Explode. Everything. But I was also stubborn enough to know I had to follow through. He deserved that much.
I swallowed hard. My hands gripping his shirt tightly. Anchoring myself to him.
“Alexander…” I whispered, like the sound of his name was a sacred word. I closed my eyes and finally let the words slip out. The ones I had locked up tight in my heart for so long.
“…I love you”
Barely a whisper. Barely a sound. But Alexander heard it.
He lifted his head, his eyes baring into mine. There was so much emotion in them it almost made my knees buckle. A grin slowly started to form on his face as his eyes sparkled. I barely had time to react before he leaned in slightly, his lips hovering over mine for a second.
“I love you too, Elias” he whispered softly, his voice unbelievably sure.
I let out a small gasp, but it was silenced as Alexander’s lips finally captured mine. I immediately melted into it, my hands instinctively rising to cradle his face. I hadn’t realised how desperately I had wanted to kiss him again until now. His hand slipped to the back of my head, pulling me impossibly closer, chuckling into my mouth as his lips moved against mine. In sync. In harmony. We kissed softly, sweetly, like we were sealing a promise that had been a long time coming. I couldn’t help but leave his lips with a grin. I felt like I was flying. I could feel how stupid my face probably looked but it didn’t matter. Not when he was the one beholding it.
“You’re impossible” I giggled, finally pushing him away playfully.
He responded with a gleeful chuckle and swaggered back with that usual confidence that could make me blush anytime “I’ve been told.”
We held each other’s gaze for a while, smiling softly, no words spoken. But at the same time saying everything all at once in the silence. It’s impossible to explain properly…but I guess this is what he meant earlier. I heard every word, loud and clear.
“Oi! Lovebirds!”
I whipped my head around at the sudden familiar voice breaking through our little bubble. It was Zoe, standing across the field with the rest of our friends. She was waving wildly at us, grinning, hand in hand with Matteo who had a smug look on his face.
“Care to join us or are you a lost cause to us now?” she yelled “We’re gonna go get something hot to eat before we head back!”
Before I could say anything, Alexander stepped forward to stand next to me, intertwining our hands together. He glanced at me quickly with a smirk which could only mean trouble.
“Nah, it’s okay I’ve got something hot to eat right here!” he yelled back to Zoe, lifting our joined hands in the air like he had just one the best prize at the festival.
It took me a split second to realise what he had said. Holy. SHIT. I was dead. Deceased.
“Alexander, what the FUCK?!” I screamed ready to tackle him, but he was already sprinting towards our friends, cackling like a lunatic. I bolted after him, unable to hold back my own laughter.
And just like that everything felt right again. Like I was back where I belonged.
Back with my friends. Back with Alexander.
Back home.
End <3