Work Text:
“Have you changed your mind about having kids?”
They were sitting on the couch in the living room, the TV was playing very quietly in the background. It was a random game show with an older, moustachioed man as the host. Phil would occasionally chuckle quietly during the show, but he wasn’t focused enough on it to reach for the remote and turn up the volume. He settled back on the couch instead, wrapping Dan’s arms around his waist and closing his eyes, enjoying the slow, quiet evening.
The last few weeks had been crazy. After returning from their honeymoon, they had had to shoot 10 films in five days to keep their partnership working. Dan was sleeping for two hours a night, spending most of his time in the computer room, either writing scripts or preparing the recording equipment. Phil kept out of his way, making sure his husband ate regularly and drank plenty of tea, but the housework fell almost entirely on his shoulders. When it came to record the episodes, they hardly remembered to change clothes and backgrounds so no one would guess that all five films had been recorded in one go.
But it worked. The videos were sent for editing, the partnership was saved, the house was cleaned, bellies were full. Relaxing on the couch with the TV on sounded like an old people's dream, which Dan found amusing, but at the same time it was definitely the most enjoyable moment in their lives since returning from Tokyo. The silence, the peace, the moustachioed presenter joking about small children running in shopping malls...
Dan frowned.
“What?”
Phil puffed out his cheeks.
“Nothing. I was wondering if anything had changed on that subject…we haven’t talked about it in a while.”
He was right, the last time they brought up the subject of children was... when was that? 2018? 2019? Dan had made a video that forced them to sit down in the living room and discuss how they both saw their future together. Dan had been very categorical in saying that he didn't see himself as a father and that it would probably stay that way forever. He didn't want to have children only partly because he didn't like them. He was more afraid that he wouldn't be able to provide them with the kind of childhood and life they deserved. Phil, on the other hand, agreed with him that he couldn't imagine having children right now . Let's say that for the next few years. But he couldn't tell Dan straight to his face that he also completely rejected such an eventuality, because it would be a lie. Phil really liked children, and children liked Phil. Sometimes, when his brother dropped off his son at their place, he would spend the entire afternoon with him, completely ignoring Dan.
But the last time they talked about kids was over eight years ago. A lot had changed in that time (including the biggest thing aka the wedding a month earlier), and Dan was afraid Phil would want to bring it up again any day now. Like now, as they were relaxing in the living room after a hard week of work. He glanced at him briefly and swallowed hard, deciding, of course, to turn the whole thing into a joke.
“Why? Is your brother going to throw his little brat at us again?”
Phil frowned visibly at the word “brat,” but instead of getting offended by his language, he straightened up a bit and made a sound somewhere between a sigh and an irritated grunt.
“How did you know?”
Ah . So, it was. Dan tried his best not to sigh with relief.
“I don’t know, sixth sense? Our minds are connected, I knew what you were thinking.” He laughed, tapping Phil on the forehead with his finger. Phil couldn’t fight it any longer and smiled sleepily at him.
“Anyway, our nephew will be spending the whole week with us starting next Wednesday. My brother has some business or other boring stuff to do outside the country, and our parents are on vacation. Besides, you know he loves our home, he never wants to leave…”
“Yeah. He cries his little head off every time your brother drags him out of our gaming room.”
Phil laughed softly at the memory.
“Exactly. Don't worry, it's only a week, it'll go by quickly.”
Dan smiled at him, already feeling the fatigue tiredness with his brain. He wanted to add something else, probably say that he didn't mind his nephew visiting and that he could stay here as long as his brother needed, but he felt a strong need to go to sleep. Any conversations like that wouldn't go away. Tomorrow was another day, after all, right?
Wednesday came much sooner than they expected. On Monday Phil suddenly said that there was a big shopping to do. Four-year-olds don’t live on coffee and cereal all the time, as they used to sometimes. After three hours in Tesco, another one in the taxi home, and yest another unpacking the bought stuff, they were finally sure that everything had been bought. Dan was so tired from all this that he spent the rest of the day alternating between napping and watching Dancing with the Stars reruns in the living room. Phil was on the phone with his brother, checking the ingredients of the products they’ve bought, which Dan thought was a little too late.
Tuesday meant a big clean-up. Again, Dan thought this was a completely crazy idea, since after a week of a toddler’s presence the house would look like a schoolyard after five straight rugby matches, but Phil didn't seem to be listening. He started by cleaning the windows, listening to a playlist full of all Linkin Park songs (on loop) in the background. Dan was delegated to tidy up their room, so that the boy wouldn't get his hands on any inappropriate items . Dan accepted this task with obvious relief, at least he couldn't hear "Iridescent" on loop there, which Phil had become quite fond of these days.
Finally, with the house sparkling clean, the fridge and cabinets full of child-friendly food, and all the inappropriate items tucked away where the little hands couldn't reach, it was finally time to relax. Phil finally turned off his beloved playlist, took a shower, and then sat down next to Dan on the couch in the living room, grinning from ear to ear for some reason. Dan had to push aside all his irritation, because god, how could you be mad when Phil smiled at him like that?
Anyway, on Wednesday morning, just before his brother arrived, Phil got out of bed extremely sore. He told his brother that he had fallen off the windowsill while cleaning windows, but he didn’t care that his brother definitely seemed to not believe him. He beamed instead at the sight of a small, ginger boy holding a stuffed red car tightly in his arms.
“Uncle Phil, Uncle Phil!!”
For a moment, forgetting about the state of his body, Phil laughed and spun the boy around. The laughing redhead waved his hands in the air, signalling that he wanted to get down to ground.
“Thanks. I owe you one…” Phil’s brother smiled gratefully as Dan finally made his way down. The little boy immediately ran up to him and clung to the material of his pyjamas.
“Uncle Dan!!”
Dan, still sleepy, blinked excessively. He heard Phil snort a small laugh at the gesture.
“Hey, kid. What’s in your backpack?”
The boy had a small, velvet backpack shaped like a basketball on his back. The smile on his face only widened at the question. He tugged on Dan’s pyjamas again, almost yanking his pants down his ass, which resulted in Phil laughing even harder.
"Geez. Okay, you'll be fine. If you need anything, call me, I'll be on the phone." Phil’s brother said a quick goodbye to his son, but he didn’t seem to care that his dad was disappearing. He dragged Dan into the living room, where he dumped the entire contents of his backpack on the couch—a few toy cars, two rubber bands, a godforsaken candy, leftover chips, and a rock. Phil unpacked the boy’s bag and went downstairs to make breakfast. The sight of Dan engaged in playing with their nephew almost turned his heart upside down in his chest. The boy told him about each toy car and Dan tried to remember as many details as he could. He only broke away from their play when Phil handed him a cup of coffee.
“Drink it up, then go wash up. I’ll take care of him.”
Dan had always tried to be a good uncle. Their nephew was a cheerful, intelligent boy who was everywhere, which seemed to tire Dan a bit. He liked his space and quiet. But the more time he spent with him, the more he learned . It may sound a bit far-fetched, but the little guy really did teach Dan some patience. It came in handy when the boy accidentally knocked one of Phil’s beloved figurines off the shelf. Old Dan would probably have screamed or left the room without a word. New Dan hugged the sad boy and smiled broadly at him.
“It’s okay, nothing happened. Uncle Phil set this up like this, see? I throw something down myself sometimes.”
The boy beamed immediately, wrapping his short arms around Dan.
When Phil entered the living room a few minutes later, he found his husband running around the couch with their nephew on his shoulders, both laughing loudly. Not wanting to disturb them at that moment, he stood to the side and watched the whole thing silently with a huge smile on his face.
Something shifted, he thought as he watched Dan crouch down, allowing the boy to hop off his shoulders. They were both redfaced from laughter and fun, and Phil was so caught up in it that he didn't notice the broken figurine at all.
There was no way Dan and Phil would go back to work for a whole week. Their nephew had so much energy that Phil was sure he had burned a pound or two in a few days just from running around the garden behind him. Every day around seven in the morning, the boy would climb into bed to wake them up, something they had only gotten used to around Sunday. Seven in the morning was definitely not their favorite time to wake up, although the sight of the laughing boy dragging a million stuffed toys to their bed made Phil's need to go back to sleep disappear. Dan would pull the boy under the covers and put his arm around him, letting him know that he would like to sleep in a little longer, but the little redhead would giggle loudly, tickling the brunette under the arms.
“Jesus, the little devil. All Lesters are the same.”
Eventually, one of them would go down to the kitchen to grab some breakfast while the other played the boy's favorite cartoons on a tablet. These slow, sunny mornings quickly became their favorite moments. Every day at exactly at seven, like in a clockwork, the boy would climb into their bed, each time with a different batch of stuffed toys in his arms. Around ten it was time to brush his teeth, change, and go for a walk. Sometimes they would forgo the latter, playing football in their garden as a trio instead. Playing as a trio wasn't the fairest game, of course, especially when Dan deliberately threw the ball at Phil so he couldn't catch it, but that didn't matter. The boy's healthy blush and loud laughter were worth it.
By Monday it had become so warm that the three of them happily decided to go outside for ice cream. Dan and Phil held the boy by the hand as he jumped happily between them with his inseparable basketball-shaped backpack on his back. Sometimes they lifted him up a little, which made the boy laugh out loud, kicking his legs in the air. An old lady who was just leaving the corner shop approached them and said with a smile that they looked like the happiest family she had ever seen. Old Dan would have immediately started explaining that the boy wasn’t their son and how big of a misunderstanding it was.
New Dan smiled broadly at her.
“Thanks.”
Phil was still in shock when they reached the ice cream shop. Dan asked him what he wanted, but he couldn’t tell him. Actually, I feel like kissing you right now, he thought before shaking his head and saying; whatever. Dan gave the little boy a piggyback ride and went inside to buy them each a scoop of ice cream.
Phil took a seat at a table outside, absentmindedly twisting the ring on his finger.
A few moments later, Dan returned with the boy glued to his leg and two scoops of ice cream in his hands. For Phil, he chose a cookie dough sundae with lots of vanilla. This guy knew him way too well. He smiled at Dan gratefully, watching as he sat down in the chair next to him and let the boy climb onto his lap.
Phil almost forgot about his ice cream as he watched Dan feed their nephew chocolate goo, constantly reaching for a tissue to wipe his ice-smeared cheeks. The little redhead was distracted quickly, taking two cars out of his backpack and playing with them on the table while he let himself be fed. Phil remembered his own ice cream the moment he felt it begin to melt in his hand. And Dan, being Dan, had to notice.
“Are you okay?” he asked, turning his attention away from the little boy. “You don’t like it? I thought it’d be okay, the girl was raving about them, saying the cookie was the best and…”
“No, they’re okay. Really.” Phil shook his head and licked the melted ice off his finger. “I was just staring at you.”
Dan grinned, then raised his left eyebrow higher.
“Quite domestic, huh?”
Phil nodded, but didn't tell him what he was actually thinking. He smiled back just as broadly and reached for a tissue of his own to wipe the last bits of dessert from the boy's cheek.
"Look, Uncle Dan has completely stolen you from me."
It was true. Phil had long suspected that Dan was his favorite uncle, but until now he had always seemed cautious and reserved. But this time...
“Ooh, Uncle Phil must be jealous.” Dan laughed and flicked the boy on the nose. “Why don’t you sit on his lap for a while so he doesn’t get sad?”
The boy puffed out his cheeks but got off his lap immediately and ran over to Phil. The older man grinned, pulling him up onto his laps.
“Uncle Dan bought you some awful, chocolatey crap. Do you want some of my cookie ice cream, huh?”
The smile on his chubby little face was contagious as hell.
They got home late on Tuesday evening. Dan had the fantastic idea of taking their nephew to a motor racing show that had been going on in London for the past few weeks. Unfortunately, they had to drive all the way across city to get there, which took them almost two hours, not to mention the return journey. But it was worth it, and the boy was overjoyed. He ran between the cars with his cheeks flushed, asking the showmen so many questions that Dan and Phil had to apologize for him regularly.
“It doesn’t matter, really. It’s nice when children are so curious about the world. Maybe your son will grow into a new specialist, who knows?”
Phil, blushing to his ears, didn’t expect Dan to nod and thank him again, keeping his hand in a protective gesture on the boy’s shoulder.
Dan’s behavior had been a mystery to him all week. He couldn’t figure out his husband, who had suddenly started acting as if… well, as if what? As if he had changed his mind about the children? As if he had found that element of paternal instinct that had been dormant in his body for almost 35 years? Or maybe Phil was just overreacting and Dan was just relaxed after a hard year spent mostly planning his wedding, honeymoon, and their future career?
In any case, his head was bursting with unspoken words and he felt that they had to talk about this again eventually.
The little redhead slept most of the way back home. Without waking him, they carried him upstairs and put him in the guest room, where he slept for the entire week. The boy had a big smile on his freckled face while cuddling his new car-shaped stuffed toy. Dan suggested a bedtime tea, and even though they were both exhausted, it wasn’t acceptable to go to bed in this house without a cup of tea first.
Phil sat at the table, waiting for Dan to return with the drinks. Dan knew him so well by now that he almost automatically added a spoonful of honey and some plant milk to his cup. Phil accepted it and smiled sleepily.
“Thanks. You’re a sweetheart.”
Dan kissed him on the top of his head and turned toward the door, probably to go upstairs to their bedroom. At the last moment, Phil caught his wrist.
“Wait. Let’s talk, okay?”
Dan’s expression was a bit surprised, but it was clear he had been expecting this sooner or later. He set his mug down on the table and nodded, sitting down across from his husband.
“Okay.”
They were both silent for a moment, holding steaming mugs of tea in their hands. The scent of honey and evening was so familiar that Phil wanted to sigh heavily. Eventually, he reached for Dan's hand and squeezed it tightly.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly. Dan nodded, looking at him questioningly.
“Phil, I beg you. Straight up, I’m not nineteen anymore. If you stress me out, you risk my hair turning gray sooner or later.”
The older man chuckled and squeezed his hand tighter.
“Are you afraid I’ll pull out divorce papers?”
“I have no idea. I can’t think straight when you look at me like that, Howell .”
Phil sighed quietly, taking a sip of his tea. They had debated for a long time what to do about the surname issue. Dan had insisted that they both have the double surnames, but Phil found it very impractical. “Professors and royalty can have double surnames”, he had once told Dan, who had almost died laughing at the statement. There was some truth to it, so Dan had ultimately expected Phil to want him to take the surname “Lester.”
He almost cried with emotion when he told him that he was taking the surname "Howell" and would not accept any arguments against it.
"There are too many of Lesters lately," he said jokingly, wiping tears from Dan's cheek with his thumb.
Of course, in the public sphere nothing had changed: they were still known as Dan Howell and Phil Lester. But all official documents, including courier deliveries or partnership offers, Phil signed as Howell .
“Okay, but don’t worry. I don’t have any divorce papers or anything like that. I just…”
“I know what you want to talk about, Phil. I’m just teasing you.” The younger man replied with a smile. “I suppose you want to know what’s changed to make me stop being so distant from my kids?”
Phil nodded, almost scalding his tongue with tea. Sometimes he really did feel like Dan had learned to read his mind. It was very useful, and in other situations rather irritating. Phil placed his hand flat on the tabletop, allowing only their pinkies to touch.
“Yeah, more or less.”
“Okay.” Dan took a deep breath, as if preparing himself for a long speech. “Remember that night when we were relaxing in the living room and you asked me if I had changed my mind about having kids? I thought you were going to want to go back to our conversation from years ago and start trying to convince me and stuff....”
“But I didn’t even think about it...”
“... you didn't mean it, I know. Shut up. I mean, I was scared, because I didn't really know what to say to you then, so I joked and... well, you know the rest. Damn it, Phil. We talked about this years ago. I still remember all the arguments I told you. That the world is cruel, that I have no paternal instincts, that the poor child would suffer because we're still children ourselves... And I'd be lying if I told you that all that has changed. The world still sucks, and we're still children inside.” They both burst out laughing.
“Well, that's true. But still... you and...”
“Will you let me finish? For God's sake, Phil...”
The older man just rolled his eyes.
“I've been thinking a lot lately. About how someone has already brought these children into this world and abandoned them. That we live in such a huge house with a million square meters of space. And that children are probably happiest when surrounded by a family that understands them and knows how to play with them. And then our nephew showed up here, and I... I don't know, Phil. I can't find a logical explanation for it. Maybe I had to grow up at this point, maybe marrying you changed me or maybe the awareness of our next conversation approaching made me just...” he waved his hand in the air. “None of this makes sense, does it?”
Phil laughed softly. It didn’t matter to him that Dan might actually be talking nonsense, trying to explain his behavior. He didn’t care at all. He sat a little closer and rested his chin on his shoulder, looking at him affectionately.
“Can I sum up the facts?”
“Well, if you’re going to beg so much…”
Phil snorted and ran his fingers through Dan’s hair.
“Okay. If I’m understanding correctly, what you’re trying to tell me is that you’re absolutely in love with our nephew, that you’ve finally let yourself go of your barriers and discovered how wonderful this child is. Because he is. Shut up and don’t interrupt. You’re also saying that what we talked about all those years ago needs to be updated because this house we built together… is missing someone else. Am I right?”
Dan was silent for a long moment. Phil could almost hear his heart beating fast and he was certain that he was absolutely right. Finally, the younger man sighed heavily and drank the rest of his tea in one go.
“More or less. I mean, yes. I think so. Jesus, Phil. What have you done to me? Fifteen-year-old me would have rather run across hot coals with my bare feet before saying what I just admitted to you…”
“I’m touched, really.” Phil laughed quietly, but then immediately became serious. “But for real, Danny. I’m so happy that you want to start a family with me. I don’t think I’ve ever had the courage to dream about it after our conversation years ago.”
The silence that fell in the kitchen was more than comfortable. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil, slowly running his fingers through his blond hair. He didn’t want to admit it but he felt a huge sense of relief. Had been struggling with his thoughts for days, unable to put them into words and gather them into a logical monologue. Phil, as usual, helped him verbalize it.
“You know we’re going to have a million more conversations about this?” he whispered to the older man who seemed to be slowly falling asleep on his shoulder. “And it’s not like we’re going to be calling the adoption agency tomorrow morning, Phil. We need time, preparation, maybe some courses or books? I was thinking… I don’t know, three, four years? And all that…”
“Dan Howell.”
Phil glared at him, but the sleepiness in those beautiful blue eyes softened his expression a bit.
“Hm?”
“I know that. Now shut up and let's go upstairs. I’m exhausted.”