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Published:
2025-04-14
Completed:
2025-04-15
Words:
3,197
Chapters:
2/2
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A New Sass

Summary:

After causing massive destruction during his latest ascension, Xie Lian is saddled with an eight-million-merit debt, prompting chaos among the heavenly officials. He tries to rope in the sarcastic and unwilling Ming Yi to help, resorting to bribery. Along the way, several heavenly officials react with shock as Xie Lian casually reveals not only his close ties to the elusive Earth Master, but also that he’s been married to a mysterious 'San Lang' for centuries. The entire array spirals into disbelief, bickering, and barely contained chaos as revelations stack and decorum disintegrates.

Notes:

This is entirely a crack fic I wrote on a whim in my couch... Please excuse the bad jokes.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

The golden light of the main heavenly array flared to life, and Ling Wen’s calm voice echoed across the realm.

“Following his ascension and the destruction caused in the process, the new Heaven’s official now owes a total of eight million merits.”

A collective uproar exploded instantly.

“Eight million?!”

“Who in the heavens caused that?!”

“What kind of deranged celestial beast was it this time?!”

Amid the clamor, a familiar figure bowed his head slightly, hands clasped with disarming politeness.

“I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience,” Xie Lian said, voice soft, humble, and far too used to this sort of thing.

Someone scoffed, clearly irritated. “Of course you are.”

Xie Lian tilted his head, still smiling faintly. “Ah, who was this again, Ling Wen?”

“General Xuan Zheng,” she replied crisply.

Mu Qing froze mid-scoff, mouth parting like he was about to say something—then closing again with the grace of a crushed insect. His eye twitched violently.

Before he could recover, a violent gust of wind tore through the array. Feng Xin burst in like a storm with a vendetta, armor clattering, hair a mess, eyes screaming who do I kill?!

“WHO DESTROYED MY PALACE?!”

Xie Lian offered a sheepish, practiced smile. “Ah, that would be me. I am so very sorry. Please accept my sincere apologies and perhaps some roofing tiles.”

Ling Wen cleared her throat again. “To reiterate—eight million merits. Your Highness, any divine fundraising miracles planned, or are we in the begging phase already?”

With a long-suffering sigh, Xie Lian pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered, “He X— Ming Yi? Are you there?”

Silence.

A cold, uneasy silence rippled across the array.

Confused whispers followed immediately.

“Wait, did he just—”

“How does the Scrap God know the Earth Master?!”

“Is that allowed?!”

Then a voice—dry as desert bones and twice as inviting—cut through the stillness.

“What.”

Xie Lian exhaled in relief. “Ming Yi! Thank goodness. I was hoping you’d answer.”

“You know the Earth Master?” someone hissed in disbelief.

“I don’t even know how to process this,” another muttered.

Shi Qingxuan, currently in her female form, let out a gasp so sharp it could've sliced through a divine thread. “Wait—Ming Yi has a friend ?! Since when?! You’ve never even mentioned him to me! Who is this?!”

“We’ve known each other for a while,” Xie Lian replied pleasantly, as if he hadn't just dropped a heavenly scandal.

Shi Qingxuan’s jaw dropped. “And I’m only finding out now?! What else are you hiding from me? A secret second identity? A cursed grudge? Did you join a book club and leave me out?!”

Xie Lian smiled politely, eyes glinting with mischief. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, I’ve heard plenty about you, Lady Wind Master. Though more than I ever asked for, and in alarming detail, may I add.”

Shi Qingxuan flushed immediately, fanning herself with the sleeve of her robe. “W-Wait, what exactly did he tell you—”

A low growl cut her off. He Xuan was scowling, the kind of scowl that could collapse a bridge. “I said nothing.”

“Only constantly,” Xie Lian added helpfully.

Shi Qingxuan looked like she might combust from a mixture of horror and delight.

He Xuan looked like he might combust him alright.

Returning to business, Xie Lian clasped his hands together. “Would you be willing to help repay the debt this time?”

To the utter shock of the array, Ming Yi laughed. A brittle, papery sound, like sarcasm folded into origami. “Why in all thirteen heavens would I ever do that?”

“I’ll talk to San Lang,” Xie Lian offered, leaning into his bargaining voice.

Ming Yi fell silent for a moment, then sighed. “Fuck no. That didn’t end well for me last time.”

Xie Lian’s tone shifted slightly. “I don’t have time to bargain. I just want to go home. I’m already swimming in debt and one incident away from celestial bankruptcy.”

“Touching,” Ming Yi said, bone-dry. “Still no.”

“Alright,” Xie Lian said, voice sliding into something more dangerous. “How about a deal? You erase the debt, and I’ll catch you that elusive Banyue moon fish you’ve been brooding over for decades. The one that only shows itself during a full moon under cloudy skies, like it’s dodging your taxes.”

The silence that followed was more revealing than words.

For half a second, Ming Yi’s expression lit up—then shut down immediately. Deadpan. Blank. Suspicious.

“You’re bluffing.”

“I have my ways,” Xie Lian replied smoothly, smiling like a man who already knew the deal was done.

There was a pause, then a grudging grunt. “Fine. But I want your ‘ San Lang ’ to prepare a full banquet next time I have to visit. Personally. I expect plating, presentation, and enthusiastic table service. I want to be treated like a King .”

Xie Lian blanched. “You’re evil.”

“That’s the least he can do after all I’ve done for his disaster-prone god.”

Xie Lian groaned and rubbed his temple. “You’re too much sometimes.”

Ming Yi smirked. “You say that, but he always gives in. Doesn’t he?”

“A lot of coaxing is involved,” Xie Lian muttered under his breath. “Last time I needed bed rest—and not the fun kind.”

Mu Qing choked like he’d inhaled incense smoke. “I’m sorry— what ?!”

Feng Xin looked personally betrayed. “Who the hell is San Lang and why does he sound dangerous?!”

Shi Qingxuan was still reeling. “You talked to him about a fish , but not me?! Ming Yi, explain. Now.”

Ming Yi had gone visibly pale. “Never. Speak. Of your bedroom activities. Again.”

“You started this,” Xie Lian said, still smiling.

Ming Yi grit his teeth. “For someone supposed to be so annoyingly pure, you’ve become alarmingly good at being unbearable.”

Xie Lian leaned in, visibly enjoying himself now. “Don’t be jealous. At least I get action. When’s the last time you even flirted? Wasn’t it that girl from the manor last banquet? Ling… Ling Ran? She ran , alright.”

The air in the array dropped ten degrees.

“I’ll murder you,” Ming Yi said flatly.

“You can try,” Xie Lian shot back. “But with your track record, you’d be lucky to trip me.”

And just then, Pei Ming’s voice slid into the array like scented oil—uninvited, unnecessary, and smugly self-satisfied.

“This is highly entertaining. Tell me more about yourself, Your Highness.”

Xie Lian blinked. “And you are?”

“General Ming Guang.”

Xie Lian blinked again, expression blank. “Ah yes. Heaven’s most transmitted blessing . I heard of you too.”

Several immortals choked at once.

Mu Qing groaned audibly. “Am I unconscious? Is this a dream? Have I slipped into a parallel universe?!”

Pei Ming chuckled, entirely unfazed by the insult. “You wound me, Your Highness. I only seek connection in a lonely world.”

“Mm,” Xie Lian said, tilting his head. “Is that what you call it these days?”

Feng Xin muttered, “It’s not connection if it comes with a side of divine clinic visits.”

Shi Qingxuan nodded solemnly. “You practically need a talisman to be in the same room as him.”

Pei Ming placed a hand on his chest, wounded. “I am deeply misunderstood.”

He Xuan, still scowling, cut in without looking up. “No, you’re not.”

Pei Ming sighed, theatrically flipping his hair back. “Fine, fine. I’ll be the villain. But I’d still like to hear more about our Crown Prince’s mysterious San Lang. I’m intrigued.”

Xie Lian’s pleasant smile sharpened slightly. “And I’d like to keep my marriage untainted, thank you.”

For a second, there was silence—sharp and stunned.

Then the heavens cracked open.

“ MARRIAGE ?!” Feng Xin’s voice rang like a gong.

“You’re what ?” Mu Qing exclaimed, stumbling back in disbelief, his voice sharp with shock. “What about your cultivation?” He blinked rapidly, still unable to process what Xie Lian had just said.

“You took vows,” Feng Xin added, his finger stabbing the air in an accusing gesture. “You used to lecture me about restraint, remember?”

Xie Lian raised an eyebrow, his expression serene despite their reactions. “Well, I was restraining," he said, his tone calm and measured. "Just not anymore.”

A low chuckle rolled through the array—dry and unbothered.

Ming Yi, arms crossed and as unimpressed as ever, said, “Shocking. The saint had a secret sex life. Who would’ve guessed.”

Shi Qingxuan gasped again, clutching her sleeves. “Don’t say sex life ! My ears are delicate!”

“Then close the array,” He Xuan replied flatly.

Pei Ming, now intrigued for entirely inappropriate reasons, leaned in. “So who’s the lucky spouse, this ‘San Lang’ guy?”

Xie Lian’s smile returned, faint and fond. “The same San Lang I mentioned earlier.”

Feng Xin sputtered. “Wait. The one you offered as bargaining material?!”

“We’ve been happily married for a few centuries now,” Xie Lian said, as if announcing the weather. “He makes excellent food.”

The silence that followed could’ve flattened mountains.

“I need to lie down,” Mu Qing muttered.

“I need a drink,” Feng Xin said at the exact same time.

“I need to meet him,” Pei Ming grinned.

“I need all of you to shut up,” He Xuan said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Chapter 2

Notes:

So I was convinced to make a second part about the 'Hua Cheng' reveal lmao.
Hope you enjoy! This is entirely self-indulgent xDD.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The scent of osmanthus hung gently in the warm air, blending with steam rising from the quiet shrine nestled in the mountains. The sun was dipping behind the cliffs, casting golden light over the little wooden table where Xie Lian sat, sleeves rolled up, pouring tea with the sort of careful elegance he always reserved for the most mundane tasks.

Across from him lounged Hua Cheng—one leg lazily propped over the other, arm draped along the bench, crimson robes catching the last light like flame. He was smiling, as he often did when Xie Lian was speaking about something inconsequential, like cloud formations or which street vendor made the fluffiest steamed buns.

“—and then he insisted the statue winked at him,” Xie Lian was saying, eyes sparkling with amusement. “So of course I had to bless it properly.”

Hua Cheng chuckled, eyes sharp and warm. “And did it wink back?”

“I sincerely hope not,” Xie Lian replied just as the air around them shimmered.

A glowing array flared open beside the shrine, golden script unraveling mid-air.

Xie Lian sighed the long, pained sigh of a man far too familiar with being interrupted. “I thought I turned that off...”

Ling Wen’s composed voice echoed through the light. “Your Highness, this is regarding the debt audit form for your recent—”

“Not now,” Xie Lian said, shooing the array away with one hand while still pouring tea.

Another voice joined—irritated, nasal, unmistakably Mu Qing. “You’ve been avoiding the Heavenly Court for weeks! You can’t just—”

Then Feng Xin chimed in, equally annoyed. “There are reports of unauthorized ghost activity near your temple. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that?”

Xie Lian’s brows furrowed and his jaw tensed. Hua Cheng’s smile vanished.

He stood up without a word, brushing off his sleeve. Then he stepped forward, directly into the array—his presence like a black stone dropped into calm water.

The air grew cold. Sharp.

“Let me make this simple,” he said, voice low and smooth and lined with menace. “Kindly shut up and leave my husband alone.”

The array fell silent.

Utterly.

Utterly.

Silent.

In the shrine, Xie Lian sighed again, calmly setting the teapot down. “Well. That’s going to be a problem.”

Through the array, the stunned whispers began.

“…His husband ?”

“Wait, that voice—”

“The butterflies—”

“That aura—”

Feng Xin’s breath caught. “No. No, no, no—”

Mu Qing looked like he’d seen a ghost. Or worse. “It’s him .”

Shi Qingxuan’s voice cracked. “Him who ?”

Neither answered. But someone else did.

Ling Wen’s voice faltered. “Aura confirmed. Visual match... Crimson Rain Sought Flower.”

Gasps.

Then absolute panic.

“The great calamity—?!”

“The ghost king?!”

“Hua Cheng?!”

Back in the mortal realm, Hua Cheng turned slightly, eye glowing through the shimmer of the array.

“I’ve killed gods before,” he said, voice like silk stretched over steel. “Interrupt my husband’s peace again, and I’ll definitely make it a more regular hobby.”

Xie Lian, unbothered, sipped his tea. “That’s his polite voice, by the way. The next one involves a cursed blade and someone crying.”

The array hung there, thick with dread—until Mu Qing broke the silence like someone desperately trying to outtalk a thunderbolt.

“There’s got to be a reasonable explanation! A curse. Mind control. A long-term hex targeting romantic judgment!”

Feng Xin nodded a little too fast. “Possession! He’s clearly being manipulated.”

Ling Wen deadpanned, “He made tea while smiling. Not foaming at the mouth.”

Mu Qing pressed on. “Ghosts can disguise themselves! Maybe the real Xie Lian is locked in a closet somewhere, and this one’s just some kind of puppet—”

Xie Lian set his teacup down and calmly raised an eyebrow. “Yes. I tripped into a romantic hex and accidentally stayed in love for five hundred years. That tracks.”

Feng Xin brightened. “Like a fake wife in a tragic opera! Except it’s Hua Cheng. And bloodier.”

“He did once show up covered in someone else’s blood with roses,” Xie Lian said, thoughtfully. “Very romantic.”

Mu Qing spun toward the array. “You see?! Seductive death demon!”

“You say that,” Xie Lian said dryly, “like it’s not the dream of half the ghost realm.”

“Xie Lian,” Mu Qing hissed, “he’s dangerous!”

“I married him, Mu Qing,” Xie Lian replied. “In a ceremony. With vows. And cake. You were not invited, but that wasn’t the curse—it was personal taste.”

Feng Xin blinked hard. “But… you used to wear white robes.” as if moral purity was determined by laundry choices. Xie Lian tilted his head. 

Shi Qingxuan, meanwhile, had her hand to her forehead like she’d just lived through ten lifetimes of scandal. “Let me get this straight. The Saint of Xianle—once-chaste, shrine-dwelling, morally blinding Xie Lian—has been married to Crimson Rain Sought Flower for centuries. And no one noticed?”

“Correct,” Xie Lian confirmed, brushing a leaf off his sleeve.

Shi Qingxuan mumbled, “...That’s cool.”

“Thank you,” Hua Cheng replied, utterly sincere.

Xie Lian turned toward the array, beatific and terrifyingly calm. “So. Is anyone else planning to analyze my marriage? Or should I send out invitations for a vow renewal and see who faints first?”

“You’re having another weeding?!” Feng Xin choked.

“No,” Xie Lian said, smiling. “I just wanted to see how fast you’d choke again.”

Finally, He Xuan’s voice cut through, flat and unimpressed.

“You idiots lost a realms-level secret for five hundred years because you assumed Xie Lian was dead and Hua Cheng would never marry.”

Xie Lian raised a finger. “To be fair, I was dead for part of that.”

He Xuan rolled his eyes. “And the rest of the time, you were just inconveniently private .”

Xie Lian lifted his cup. “Cheers to that.”

The array was still reeling from Xie Lian’s announcement when another voice—far too composed to be casual—cut in dryly.

“Well,” Shi Qingxuan said slowly, “this does raise... one more question.”

Everyone turned, warily.

She blinked once, then pointed delicately at the side of the array. “Didn’t Ming Yi ask San Lang —who is, just to clarify, Hua Cheng, the Crimson Rain Sought Flower , Slayer of Heavens and general nightmare incarnate—to cook him an entire banquet?”

A silence heavier than divine judgment fell over the court.

All heads swiveled in unison.

Ming Yi stood in the back of the array, arms crossed, expression unreadable as always. There was a faint twitch in his left eyebrow.

Pei Ming made a choking sound. “Wait. You knew?! ”

Shi Qingxuan gasped dramatically. “You let him serve you food?! ”

“I asked for seconds,” Ming Yi replied flatly.

Mu Qing looked ready to pass out. “So you knew. This whole time .”

“ I was invited to the wedding. Actually, I was there against my will,” Ming Yi said without remorse.

Feng Xin threw up his hands. “You KNEW it was him and said nothing?!”

Ming Yi shrugged. “It didn’t concern me. Besides, he cooks well.”

Pei Ming nearly dropped his sword. “You bribed a ghost king with a dinner request?! You extorted a Calamity?! ”

“I made a deal,” Ming Yi corrected, tone sharp. “And unlike most of you, I left with my limbs intact. And a cool fish.”

Shi Qingxuan looked scandalized. 

Xie Lian, still sipping tea, gave a tiny approving nod. “That’s true. San Lang’s cooking is the best.”

“STOP ENABLING HIM,” Mu Qing snapped, pointing wildly at both of them.

“Why?” Xie Lian said serenely. “Everyone else has been enabling you for centuries.”

Ling Wen cleared her throat. “Let me get this straight. Earth Master Ming Yi has been negotiating culinary favors with a god-killer while the rest of us were afraid to say his name out loud?”

Ming Yi glanced to the side. “You’re just mad I got a meal out of it.”

Feng Xin looked physically pained. “Why is everyone acting like this is normal behavior ?!”

Hua Cheng, who had remained politely quiet through the entire confrontation, finally gave a slow, lazy smile. “ The Earth Master helped my husband. The rest of you mostly whine.”

Shi Qingxuan shook her head, dazed. “I need... I need to sit down. Or eat something. Or possibly reconsider my entire understanding of reality. ”

The air in the array was thick with disbelief, betrayal, and secondhand shame. Ming Yi had retreated into his usual blank silence. Mu Qing looked like he needed a priest. Feng Xin was still muttering about robes. Shi Qingxuan was fanning herself like she might spontaneously combust. Pei Ming hadn’t spoken in over a minute, which was frankly suspicious.

Xie Lian gently placed his teacup down and stood, brushing his sleeves off with quiet grace. “Well… I think that’s enough excitement for one evening.”

The silence on the other side of the array rippled with confusion and dread.

“I’ll... be sure to follow up on that audit form,” he added sheepishly. “Eventually. Maybe. When I feel like it.”

He gave a small bow toward the open array, ever courteous, ever diplomatic. “Thank you all for your time. It was... informative.”

Before anyone could respond, Hua Cheng stepped up behind him, one arm slipping casually around his waist.

His eye gleamed.

“I’d say it was a pleasure,” Hua Cheng said smoothly, voice dropping just low enough to threaten, “but there are far more enjoyable ways to spend my time than listening to your whining.”

He leaned in, smiling just a little too much. “For example... I think I’ll go remind my husband why he hasn’t left me in five hundred years.”

Xie Lian immediately turned a shade of red that matched Hua Cheng’s robes. “San Lang!”

From inside the array, someone audibly choked.

Feng Xin made a strangled noise. “We didn’t need to hear that—!”

“Get used to it,” Ming Yi muttered.

Shi Qingxuan had dropped her fan entirely.

Hua Cheng winked, and with a casual flick of his fingers, the array shattered into silver butterflies and scattered into the wind.

Xie Lian looked at him for a moment, and held him tightly.

“That could’ve gone worse,” he muttered.

Hua Cheng grinned, sharp and pleased. “I was on my best behaviour for Gege.” 

Notes:

Let me know if you liked it and you have other ideas for Xie Lian's new found sass (he's definitely spent too much time with his husband...)!

Notes:

Please tell me what was your favorite moment or favorite joke...