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As soon as he is done with his shift at the petrol station, Saint starts to feel a familiar heaviness sitting down on his ribcage. The more he thinks about going home the worse the tightness in his chest gets. At the same time though, he feels hollow, deflated, like a balloon slowly losing its air, becoming limp and useless. However, the idea of wandering about like a hopeless ghost is as unbearable as the thought of returning to an empty house. What to do, then, to fight this restlessness, this itching under his skin?
He drives slowly along scarcely illuminated, empty back streets as if looking for a sign, a clue. If he were being honest with himself, he would admit that he knows exactly where he is headed and where the pull is coming from. Still, he pretends a little longer, wasting petrol in a futile attempt to not give in. But, after all, what’s so shameful about wanting to go to a place which used to give him comfort and respite? Even if it’s a place laced with memories. Or, precisely because it’s a place laced with memories. Nostalgia would probably choke him, but it would be better than this emptiness, this nothingness that is enveloping him. Maybe it was Shin’s recent visit – the last nail on the coffin he has built for himself - that set off these feelings. But the truth is, he had been feeling like this ever since he made his decision. In a matter of days, he had lost his purpose, the only driving force behind his every action, from waking up in the morning to going to school to going to work to do all the mundane things he used to do. What is worse is that, in fact, he had renounced his only purpose willingly. All of this is self-inflicted, so why not indulge this pain, on this misery? At least he would feel something - and who knows? - maybe a small glimpse of joy, a figment of happiness, amid his desolation, would come his way from a long-lost memory.
Saint parks his bike just outside the gates of the playground. The vibe at night is a little eerie, but it has never put him off. He had been here often, always at night-time, in the past three years, but he hadn’t come since his fateful ‘reunion’ with Shin.
He leaps over the gate and lands on the soft grass on the other side. What he is doing feels forbidden and thrilling and suddenly he is fifteen again, breaking into a children playground at night with Shin by his side to have a place to hang out away from everyone else. A secret haven.
As he makes his way to the kids playhouse, Saint brushes his hand on the head of the spring horse as a sort of greeting. The silence that surrounds him feels like a presence. It’s comforting in a way.
He climbs the steps of the wooden playhouse and once inside, he sits on the floor. It’s so cramped that he can’t keep his legs straight. Soon his back will start to hurt. When he and Shin used to come here together they weren’t that much shorter, their growth spurt having hit them already, but sure they were slender, bonier, bendier. Still, they had to sit very close and make themselves smaller to fit in together.
Saint sighs at the memory. He is not sure if coming here alone since he and Shin had parted ways has ever done him much good. But he had found solace in this place all those times that missing Shin felt like a physical ache, so sharp and deep that every breath he drew felt like a stab between his ribs.
Right now, however, he can still feel the pricks inside his chest. The heaviness and the hollowness are not going away. Maybe this time it’s not working, maybe the finality of his decision, to leave Shin for good and for his own good, makes it impossible for Saint to find any kind of relief anymore. The memories of his past with Shin hurt, but the what ifs – what if he had fought harder for Shin’s forgiveness, what if Shin had given him a second chance – hurt even more.
He reminds himself that what’s important is that he has given Shin a second chance: a chance to continue his studies and to live his life in peace, without a ghost from the past haunting him all the time.
Saint traces the carving on the wall in front of him with his fingertips. Sometimes, the best way to love someone is to leave. The first time Saint had left Shin hadn’t been out of love, but this time is. Saint doesn’t know if this time around it’s supposed to hurt less or more, what he does know is that he feels untethered. He is afraid that he might disappear, cease to exist, dissolve into thin air. That first time, at least guilt anchored him. And, in a smaller measure, hope. This time it feels like he has nothing left inside him, apart from this perpetual, fruitless longing for Shin.
He is brought back from his reverie by a noise of what seems like footsteps on the grass. Saint sits still, barely breathing, his fists balled up in preparation for a fight. He can hear his heart thumping inside his ears, his mouth dries up. The intruder approaches the playhouse and starts climbing up the slide. Saint figures that he will knock them out with a punch as soon as they enter the wooden structure: shoot first, ask questions later.
However, when the figure enveloped in darkness peeks inside the house, all of Saint’s plans and intentions falter. Maybe it’s the shape of his head that gave him away, maybe it’s his smell, or the way he breathes, but Saint recognises him straight away, even in the dark, even before he reveals himself fully.
“Shin?”
Has he conjured Shin with the power of his yearning? Is he real? Is he a vision?
“Saint?”
Shin looks very much real.
Saint straightens up and hits his head on the low ceiling. “Shit.”
Shin squints his eyes in the dark. “What are you doing here? Are you following me?”
Saint massages the top of his head, fresh tears springing from the corner of his eyes. “What do you mean by ‘are you following me’? I was here already, you popped up out of nowhere.”
Shin, who is on his fours, tries to backtrack to descend the slide. “Fucking hell.”
Saint grabs his wrist. “Stay.”
“Why would I stay? You’ve taken my spot.”
Saint tightens his grip. “Your spot?”
Shin attempts to regain control of his wrist as he crawls backwards.
“Stay,” repeats Saint tugging him forward.
Shin releases a low growl. “Fine. Scoot over.”
Saint smiles and his stomach does a tiny flip. He feels jittery, but in a good way. It’s like his body is coming back to life, the pressure on his chest is lessening, Shin’s unexpected appearance working as a jolt of electricity shot straight into his every nerve. He moves to make room for the other boy.
Shin rubs his hands as if to get rid of some dirt and sits begrudgingly next to him. Their shoulders are pressed against each other. Saint is grateful for the lamppost outside casting his light right on Shin because from this angle he can see his face and his expression properly. He looks grumpy, but when does he not? Saint fights the urge to brush his messed up hair.
“So, this is your spot…?” he asks. “Do you…do you come here often?”
Shin’s eyes stay stubbornly fixed on the opposite wall. Saint wonders if he has spotted the carving he was affectionately tracing with his fingers earlier. He probably has, if not now, one of the other times he has been here, since he is apparently a regular.
“I haven’t been here in months,” confesses Saint. “But I used to come here quite often…before. I used to come here when I needed to remember your face.”
Shin whips his head to look at him. “How could you forget this face?”
Saint cracks up at the sight of Shin’s outraged expression. He raises a hand to smooth the hard lines on Shin’s face but he thinks better of it. “Do you think I could forget about you? Face and all…”
Shin turns to stare at the wall once again. “You said it.”
Saint laughs softly. He feels elated, floaty, like a balloon that’s filling up with air. Shin is breathing new air into his lungs. “What I meant is that I came here hoping that if I thought about you hard enough you would materialise before me.”
Shin’s eyes flicker. “Is this what you think happened tonight? Were you thinking about me before I appeared?”
Saint’s breath hitches. Something like hope starts taking root inside him. He feels expectant, like waiting for good news. This never happens to him, it’s a strange, peculiar feeling. “There is hardly any other thought occupying my mind, Shin. I can’t believe that this time my wishful thinking worked.” He licks his lips. “Wait, did you know I was here? Were you…were you looking for me?”
Shin scoffs. “No, I didn’t know and no, I wasn’t looking for you. I came here to find some peace and quiet but I found you instead.”
“You must have unconsciously answered my call,” jokes Saint.
“Your call?”
Saint bats his eyelashes. “The call of my heart.”
Shin groans and elbows him in the ribs. “What did I get myself into?” he mutters.
Saint hugs his legs and presses his thighs against his chest. “So, do you come here to think about me too?”
The other boy doesn’t reply for a while. The distant sound of a group of cicadas fills the silence. “This place brings back good memories, that’s all,” he says at last.
“But good memories can hurt.”
“Was it painful for you to come here all those times?”
Saint sighs. “It was, but it gave me some comfort too.”
Shin mirrors his position. “I don’t think that’s healthy.”
“But you come here too.”
“Exactly.”
They don’t speak for a while. The simmering hope inside Saint’s chest starts to fizzle out but Shin’s presence next to him, Shin’s actual body pressed against his in the narrow space, is enough to revive it.
When Shin leans forward and touches the wall with his fingertips, even without being able to actually see it due to the poor lighting, Saint knows that he is tracing the words they carved into the wood when they were fifteen: S+S.
“I wish you never left me,” murmurs Shin, unwittingly.
Saint’s heart skips a bit. As much as it pleases him to hear Shin uttering these words, they elicit his sense of guilt straight away. “Do you mean this time or…the other time?” he asks, his tone self-deprecating.
Shin turns his sharp gaze towards him. “Do you find it funny?”
Saint exhales. “No, I think it’s tragic, actually, that it happened twice. The first time was a fuck up, but this time I’m doing it willingly…for you.”
Shin’s fingers curl into a fist. “I told you, stop using me as an excuse to quit school and ruin your life.”
“Shin, you were about to do the same! I’m making this sacrifice so you don’t have to.”
Shin’s eyes harden and there is a barely suppressed fury in the lines of his face. “Do you actually believe the bullshit you spew?”
Saint swallows. “We made a bargain, you’d come back to school if I gave up on you.”
Shin punches the wall, making Saint flinch. “I never asked you to give up on me! Not now, not back then!”
Saint frowns. “You very much did.”
Shin gets in his space. He is suddenly so close that Saint can feel his breath on his face. “I’ll say this again: stop using me as an excuse. You have no interest whatsoever in school or studying, I handed you the opportunity to quit on a plate and you seized it.”
Saint tries to hold Shin’s gaze, but he can’t help glancing at Shin’s lips. “It’s true that I have no interest in studying, my only interest is you, and it’s you I’m quitting.”
The light of the lamppost creates a halo behind Shin’s head. His face is half engulfed by the dark, his eyes glint. “So, quitting school is an excuse to quit me, not the other way around.”
Saint frowns. “Well, yes? But only because you asked me.”
Shin backs away and turns to the other side. “I need to get out of here or I’ll punch you.”
Saint grabs him by the elbow before he can make a move. “Do you really want me to come back to school?”
Shin snaps his head towards him. “Why would I come looking for you at the petrol station? And why would I still be here talking to you, If I didn’t? Are you fucking stupid or what?”
Saint suppresses a smile that would very likely enrage Shin even further. “I need you to tell me.”
An annoyed frown contorts Shin’s face. “You need me to tell you what?”
“I want you to ask me to come back to school.”
“I just did!”
Saint brings his face closer to Shin’s. “No, you didn’t.”
Shin’s eyes move from Saint’s forehead to his eyes to his mouth, giving Saint the chills. He eventually backs away and sits once again with his back against the wall.
Saint can’t help but feel a little disappointed. “So?” he nudges him.
Shin crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Saint, you idiot, come back to school,” he grumbles without looking at Saint.
The tiny drop of hope becomes an ocean swelling inside Saint’s ribcage. He rubs the ball of his hands against his eyes. “Will you stay?”
Shin looks at him from the corner of his eye. “Of course, I will.” Saint spots a hint of a smile on his lips. “Wait, are you crying?”
Saint sniffs. “No, I’m not. Is this us making up?”
Shin taps his fingers on his thigh. “I can’t believe you were ready to quit school and forfeit your chances at a better future just like that.”
Saint frowns. “Shin, why wouldn’t you accept the fact that I did it for you, I’d do anything for you, even giving you up, if that would make you happy.”
Shin’s posture becomes rigid. “At this point, I don’t think you quite know what would make me happy.”
Saint accidentally on purpose bumps his hand against Shin’s leg. Since Shin doesn’t protest or move, Saint rests it on top of the other boy’s knee. “You decided to quit school just to avoid me, because the sight of me was unbearable. I couldn’t let you do that and I also found the perfect way for you to get your revenge on me.” Shin’s leg twitches but Saint doesn’t take his hand away. “Shin, I came here today to mourn you.”
Shin’s sudden intake of breath surprises both of them. “I’m not dead.”
“You were going to be, for me, because I wouldn’t have seen you again.”
Shin turns his head slightly. “And would have you been okay with that?”
“Of course not.” Saint’s voice quivers. “Would have you?”
Shin inhales. “You’ve been through it already.” He doesn’t answer Saint’s question. “You left and never thought about coming back. You’ve already done it once, it would have been easier the second time around.”
“Shin, that’s not true.”
Shin shakes his head. “Yeah, sure.”
Saint squeezes his knee. Being allowed to touch Shin again is thrilling, addictive. “Did you use to come here because you missed me?”
Shin stares at Saint’s hand on his knee. “I came here waiting for you to find your way back to me. But I eventually lost all hope.”
Saint’s heart aches. “Shit.”
“What?”
“Have you been waiting for me here?”
“No, Saint, that was a metaphor, I wasn’t literally waiting here every fucking day for you to show up.”
Saint blushes. “Anyway, you were waiting for me to come back to you. You wanted me to come back to you.”
“No shit, Saint. But that was…at first, then it became apparent that you weren’t making your way back to me anytime soon. And I didn’t want you to anymore, anyway.”
“But you kept coming.”
Shin snaps his fingers. “Nostalgia is a bitch.”
“If we had met here, we probably would have made up sooner,” observes Saint.
“If we had met here, I would have punched you like I did when I met you at school. Besides, we haven’t made up.”
Saint whistles. “We haven’t…? Shin, come on.”
Shin doesn’t budge. “It is what it is.”
“What else do you need for us to make up?” Saint’s expression turns mischievous. Feeling lucky, he decides to take his chances. “Maybe we should kiss first and then make up, as the saying goes.”
“What? You know that sayings are not meant to be taken literally, right?”
Saint moves his hand up Shin’s thigh. “Are they not?”
Shin looks flustered but not…displeased. “Why should I kiss you?”
Saint inches closer. “Because you want to?”
Shin licks his lips. “Who said so?”
“Your eyes, mostly,” declares Saint. “The way you’re looking at me now, the way you’ve always looked at me…”
“Are you being serious right now?”
Saint has started to sweat under his jacket. Out of all the impossible things that have happened tonight – meeting Shin at their old playground, Shin yielding and asking him to come back to school – kissing him seems the least impossible right now. “I’m always serious about you.”
Shin hesitates but his expression betrays an unspoken need. Perhaps the need for Saint to press him harder? “Do you think this would help your case?”
“My case?” murmurs Saint, transfixed by Shin’s earnest look.
“Do you think I would…fold? That I would give in to you?”
Saint leans in. “Haven’t you already?”
Shin puts a hand on Saint’s chest to stop his advance. “Tell me why are you doing this.”
Saint’s breath is coming in short pants. “Because every time I came here to fantasise about you this is how it would end most of the time. This is how our reconciliation looked like in my dreams. You know, sometimes we even got married…in my head.”
Shin audibly gulps. “You’re kidding me.”
Saint digs his fingers into the meat of Shin’s thighs. Shin winces. “I swear, I’m not. Do you have any idea how much I ached for you? How much I regretted what we could have been if I hadn’t-” He swallows. Shin’s proximity, his ragged breath, the heat of his skin beneath Saint’s hand and his affected reluctance are making him dizzy. “I believe we were so close to…do this before...”
Shin’s fingers curl around the fabric of Saint’s shirt. “Before you went and fucked everything up?”
Saint nods. “Yeah, sorry.”
Shin’s expression turns vicious for a second as he pushes Saint away, before pulling him back in by the collar of his shirt. Their foreheads bump against each other. “You piece of shit.”
Saint smirks. “Yes, that’s me.”
“Are you trying to get on my nerves?”
Saint’s eyes travel the length of Shin’s face to stop on his lips. “Yes, I’m trying to annoy you to the point where you’ll kiss me just to shut me up.”
Shin scoffs. “If I knew that worked, I would have kissed you every day since we met again, considering how much you pestered me.”
“That would have made me very, very happy,” replies Saint, his eyes not steering away from Shin’s mouth.
Shin wets his bottom lip with his tongue, sending shivers down Saint’s spine. “I know, that’s why I didn’t….”
“And what about now, are you okay with making me happy now?” whispers Saint, drawn forward by Shin’s invisible magnetic pull. The electric current travelling under his skin sizzles dangerously.
“God forbid,” murmurs Shin before pulling him in to capture his lips.
Saint can’t help but release a low groan, like the one of an animal. Shin tugs on his shirt to draw him even closer, but it’s practically impossible in the enclosed space where they got themselves stuck to find a comfortable position to kiss, one that would satisfy their need to be all over each other: their legs are in the way, they can’t properly turn to embrace each other, Saint has Shin’s knee almost tucked under his chin.
But they make do.
Saint manages to lift one hand to touch one side of Shin’s face, while his other hand is somehow trapped between Shin’s thigh and his lower abdomen. Shin releases his grip on Saint’s shirt to caress his chest. He can surely feel Saint’s crazy heartbeat under his palm.
When Shin finally slips his tongue between Saint’s lips, Saint feels like his heart is about to escape the confinement of his ribcage to jump straight into Shin’s mouth.
“Shit,” he whispers on Shin’s lips. When he dares to look into Shin’s eyes, they are darker than the night. Saint dives back into the kiss with a renewed determination. Their kiss turns wet and needy.
Shin’s soft lips and the contrast with the roughness of his chin covered in stubble are driving Saint crazy. He squeezes Shin’s thigh, hard and with intent, his pinkie finger grazing Shin’s groin.
Shin presses the ball of his hand against Saint’s sternum to push him away.
Rude.
“Let’s…not,” he murmurs, even if the look in his eyes speaks the exact opposite.
“Okay, fine, I’ll behave,” declares Saint craning his neck to kiss him again.
Shin stops him with two fingers on his lips. “I’m serious, Saint. That would be too much.”
Saint kisses the pads of his fingers and grins. “Shin, I’m not going to get you off in here, I can’t barely move my arms.” Shin looks downwards, bashful. “Sorry, I just got carried away, I didn’t mean to…”
Shin chews on his bottom lip. It takes every ounce of restraint on Saint’s side not to jump on him. “It’s fine, it’s just…not the time or the place.”
“Especially not the place,” jokes Saint massaging his nape. He removes his hand from Shin’s thigh but he doesn’t back away. “So, are we good? Have we finally made up? If not, I can kiss you some more, until you’re sure about where we stand.”
Shin snorts. “Don’t delude yourself into thinking we are back to be friends.”
Saint knits his brows. “Of course, we’re not friends, I just sucked on your tongue.”
Shin startles. “That’s not…that’s not what I meant. I mean, I can see you as my classmate at best, for the time being.”
“I sincerely hope you don’t casually make out with all your classmates, Shin.”
Shin pushes his shoulder. Saint almost topples to the other side of the small house and down the steps. “Shut up.”
Saint laughs. “Ok, classmate. I can wait for you to warm up to me until you’ll be ready to change our status.”
Shin clicks his tongue. “Can you really? You’re the least patient person I’ve ever known.”
“I can respect your boundaries, Shin.”
Shin scoffs. “Do you hear yourself?”
Saint pouts. “You have a good point, but-”
Out of the blue, Shin starts laughing. “Marriage,” he mumbles.
“What?”
“You said you were imagining our marriage…”
Heat rises to Saint’s face. “You’re still hung up on that? It was just something silly I happened to fantasise about. We had broken up, so I started thinking ‘what would tie two people forever and prevent them from leaving each other’-”
“Sure, because marriage is forever,” jeers Shin, bitter and sad. “Did we have kids too by any chance?”
Saint shakes his head. “Shin, I wasn’t serious about it, don’t fret.”
Shin inhales. “Of course, you weren’t serious, you bailed on me at the first chance. You’re not one for marriage.”
Saint takes the hit without losing his composure or trying to defend himself.
“Were you in love with me or something?” Shin asks him abruptly, feigning disinterest.
Saint’s breath gets stuck in his throat. This is such a loaded question, not one to throw so casually. “What?”
“Would you fantasise about marrying someone you’re not in love with?”
“Would you kiss someone you only see as a classmate?”
Shin blinks. “Yes, I would. Now answer my question.”
Saint feels beads of sweat running down his back. He doesn’t know how honest he is allowed to be with someone who doesn’t even want to call him a friend. Would it be worth it to hand him over his heart? Will Shin crush it? Is this a twisted way to take his revenge?
“I don’t understand why you are asking but…yes, I was, I don’t even remember for how long I had been in love with you. But you must have noticed it, if you asked me,” he says at last. “And yes, I broke your leg and vanished from your life even if I was in love with you. Or maybe because I was in love with you. I…I don’t know. I don’t know why I do what I do half of the time.”
Shin makes an unintelligible noise.
“What was that?” bursts out Saint, feeling raw and vulnerable. If this is Shin’s punishment – forcing him to confess, breaking his heart - he should just take it so they can be over and done with it and move on.
But Shin stills the tumult in his heart by kissing him. Saint is so dumbfounded that he can’t bring himself to react quickly enough. His hand hovers in the air above Shin’s leg and he blinks rapidly, unsure about what to do or what’s happening.
“I hated you so much,” whispers Shin between kisses. “I loved you so much.”
Saint is about to have a heart attack. He pushes Shin away. “What?”
“Nothing, I’m just insane,” mumbles Shin.
“No, fuck you. What did you just say?”
Shin exhales, long and loud. “I said that I’m insane because I loved you before you ruined my life and I kept loving you despite you ruined my life.” He says every word through gritted teeth, as if he were mad at himself not only for feeling what he felt, but also because he is admitting it. “I loved you all through the pain and the loneliness and the hate that I felt for you and me both.”
Saint swallows. The tips of his ears feel impossibly hot. Is his brain exploding? “What about now?”
“Do I really have to answer?”
Saint takes a deep breath in. “You just classified me as a classmate and before tonight you could barely look at me without shooting daggers from your eyes, so yes, an answer would be welcome.”
Shin looks reluctant. “Saint, you’d never have kissed me tonight if you hadn’t had a hunch about how I felt for you.”
“You kissed me.”
“Don’t be daft.”
Saint realises that what Shin has just said is…true. The inexplicable hope that grew in his chest tonight, the giddiness, his self-assuredness and boldness – he flirted with Shin straight after Shin asked him to come back to school, with no assurance whatsoever that he would be cool about it, let alone play along with it - wouldn’t have been there if he hadn’t felt something on the other side. He had been so used to crashing into Shin’s walls over and over again lately, that he didn’t immediately realise that the walls were crumbling down and that’s why he had seized the opportunity to make his breach.
“What’s with this classmate thing, then?”
Shin brushes his hand against Saint’s but he makes it look like an accident. “Well, I just want to take it slow because, you know, you broke my leg and bolted three years ago, you’ll have to fucking work for it if you want my complete forgiveness and trust.”
Saint grins. “Okay, sounds good. I was worried you classmate-zoned me because you didn’t want me…like I want you.”
“I literally kissed you. Twice.”
“You said you would kiss a classmate.”
“Just one classmate.”
Saint’s heartbeat suddenly speeds up. “What made you fold?”
“What do you mean?”
“You were so determined to keep all your love behind a wall of hate, but tonight you sought me out at the petrol station and when you found me here you stayed and then,” Saint gestures between them.” …this happened. What changed?”
Shin averts his gaze. Saint touches his hand purposely. “You were going to go through with it. You were going to give up on your future for me. You were going to give up on me…for me. I couldn’t let you do that. I didn’t want you to be the cause of your demise and I didn’t want you to leave me again.”
Saint’s eyes prickle and his chest constricts. Something similar to what he was feeling when he came here tonight takes the space inside his chest. He realises that what he had felt, the heaviness and the hollowness, was nothing other than grief. He was really going to go through with it. He was hell-bent on making this sacrifice for Shin. He had never thought, not even for a minute, that this was going to bring them back together.
“For the record,” he mumbles, voice wobbly, eyes burning from the effort to not let the tears fall. “I am still in love with you.”
Maybe it’s just the way Shin’s eyes catch the light from the lamppost, but Saint hasn’t seen them this soft in a very long time. “I know.”
A sob escapes Saint’s lips.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so indulgent with you so soon,” says Shin but the warmth in his tone contradicts the harshness of his words.
Saint catches the tear that falls from his eye with the back of his hand before it can reach his cheek. “Why? Do you enjoy seeing me suffer?”
Shin lifts a corner of his mouth. “I did a little.”
Something between a whine and a laugh erupts from Saint’s mouth. “And you had every right to. I do actually think that I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I belong in jail for what I did to you.”
Shin sighs and pats his knee. “Alright, let’s get out of here.”
“Are you going to hand me over to the police?”
Shin snorts. “I’m afraid it’s too late for that. Besides, if you were in jail I couldn’t see you, so no.”
Saint tries to subdue the swarm of butterflies inside his stomach. “You’re so sweet,” he coos.
Shin rolls his eyes. “Come on, let’s go, you have school tomorrow.”
“We have school tomorrow.”
Shin’s gaze turns solemn. “I’ll race you to the swing set. The one who comes last will let the other copy his homework for a week.”
“What?”
Before Saint has the time to fully comprehend Shin’s words and his challenge, the other boy sets off for the swings. He takes the slide, Saint takes the steps, sprinting after him.
Shin arrives first, but Saint is right behind him.
“Shin, you cheater!” he shouts, circling Shin’s waist with one arm and lifting him off the ground.
“Saint, you bastard, put me down!” protests Shin in between fits of laughter.
“You might be faster, but I’m still stronger than you,” boasts Saint, spinning him around.
Shin manages to grab the chain of one of the swings and holds on to it for dear life. “Stop manhandling me and let me go!” he cries, voice cracking.
“Don’t pretend you’re not enjoying it,” teases Saint as he sits on the swing forcing Shin to stay on his lap, his arm a vice around Shin’s waist.
“Fuck, we are going to break it,” complains Shin. “Saint, this shit is going to fall on us and we’re going to die.”
Saint bumps his forehead against Shin’s shoulder. “Shin, you do know that I never, ever do my homework, right? You’ll have to find someone else to copy from.”
Shin groans. “You’re fucking useless.”
Saint first bites his shoulder, then he shoves him to the ground. Shin lands on his hands and knees and grabs a handful of stone chippings from the ground to throw them at Saint. Upon hearing Saint screeching and cursing he smirks, satisfied, brushes his hands against his trousers and sits on the swing next to Saint’s.
“You’re not afraid anymore that the structure is going to fall under our weight?” asks Saint.
Shin shrugs. “To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die,” he sings under his breath.
Saint stretches his leg to kick him. “Please don’t make me suffer through your depressing music again.”
Shin kicks him back. “I thought you liked my depressing music. We used to listen to it, like, a lot.”
“I lied.”
“See? How can I trust you ever again, Saint?”
Saint smiles. “I pretended to like it because I’d do anything for you, Shin.”
Shin starts swinging, using his legs to rock himself back and forth. The wooden structure creaks so he stops, apprehension evident in his face. “Boot-licker,” he mumbles.
Saint feels high on something that might be joy. It’s weird and a bit scary, but he doesn’t want to sober up. “Hey Shin, do you remember the promise we made on this swing set?”
Shin frowns. “What?”
“Do you remember the promise we made on this swing set?”
“What promise?”
“Come on, our promise.”
“Saint, are you making this up?”
Saint chuckles. “We made a pinky promise that we would never leave each other.”
Shin’s frown makes him look unbearably cute. “You’re totally making this up, I have never pinky-promised anything to you on this swing set.”
Saint cracks up. “Ok, you got me. Shall we do it now?”
Shin kicks the crushed stones on the ground with the tip of his shoe. “Will you keep it?”
Saint stretches his arm and waves his pinky. “Come on.”
Shin eyes Saint’s finger for a few seconds before latching onto it with his own.
“I promise I will never leave your side again,” says Saint, solemnly.
Only death will separate him from Shin, Saint is so sure about it. But maybe Shin’s gloomy song is right, maybe to die together would be so sweet. Together ‘till the very end.
Shin clears his throat. “I promise I will never let you leave my side again.”
“That sounded more like a threat than a promise.”
Shin squeezes Saint’s finger with the clear intent to hurt.
Saint bursts out laughing, his gums in full display. “Ok, I will take that. After you told me that you loved me nothing can touch me anymore. I reached Nirvana after that.”
Shin snorts so suddenly and so loudly that Saint almost jumps. Saint’s condition might be infectious. “Don’t be blasphemous now.”
Saint squeezes his pinky, gently. “I wouldn’t mind if you told me you loved me again, from time to time, you know.”
“First focus on upgrading your status from classmate to friend, then we’ll see.”
Saint smiles. “Fine, classmate.” He swings their conjoined hands. “Can I give you a ride home, classmate?”
Shin drops his hand. “You’re annoying. And yes.”
Saint grins.
Shin stands up and stretches his legs and arms. Saint throws an arm around his shoulders. “So, let me know if I got this right: classmates can kiss, correct?”
Shin slaps him in the back of his head but he accepts the kiss that Saint lands on his mouth nonetheless.