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They haven’t spoken, haven’t given so much as a glance to each other since it happened.
Regulus doesn’t want to see him, let alone hear what he has to say. He sees him all the time anyways, the great Gryffindor rebel: Sirius Black. His one and only brother, the one who grew his heart and raised him, fed him and held him. The one who took his beating heart and threw it to the ground, smashing it into the smallest of shards so that it would never again be put back together.
Regulus breathes the cold, stinging air deeply as the wind forces itself onto him. He sits at the top of the astronomy tower's peak, there’s a small roof hatch that’s hidden away in a small nook in the tower. It opens up to the cold flat stones of the roof, onto a small space that could fit only a couple people seated. It’s flat, probably made in secret by the makers of the Hogwarts castle itself as a small getaway to be on top of the world.
Regulus loves it here. It’s quiet, lonely, and the view is spectacular. He can see the black and blue of the night sky glittering with clear stars and the faint streak of the galaxy. He can see the horizon blurred by forest trees, dark green and almost black in the night, they sway slightly from the wind. He can see the black lake, one of his favorite sites, it’s vast and deep. The water's depths are unknown according to Hogwarts: A History. There are legends of mermaids, giant squid, and a treacherous aquatic ecosystem that interests him in a way he can barely describe.
He’s never gone to see it up close before, as much as he wants to he’s afraid of it. It’s similar to how people like thunderstorms, it’s the awe that comes with looking at something so intense and threatening, and yet calming at the same time. The raw power of the natural Earth is beautiful and satisfying, so much that you can’t help but be drawn towards it. Simply watching from afar or even running into the open field in the middle of a hurricane just to feel its power.
That’s kind of how he feels looking at the lake. It’s deep and mysterious, calling like a siren to lure unsuspecting people into its waters. It’s powerful but in a more secretive way than a loud storm. The storm makes sure you know its presence, the water waits for you until it’s too late to run back. Whether it be from a whirlpool or a rip current that will quite literally rip you from the land.
Just as powerful and dangerous as the storm.
Regulus has always thought of himself as water. Not the fluidity or flexibility in life but the deep and haunting threat that stays quiet.
He finds it comical that his constellation, Leo, is associated with fire whereas Sirius’ is water.
Always taking from him.
Regulus sighs, staring at the ripples in the black lake from atop the tower. It’s a cold night, cold enough that Regulus brought a coat with him that's wrapped snugly around his shoulders. It’s just a couple hours past sunset and the clouds have only just dissipated enough to clearly see the stars so he won’t leave for a while.
The stars are another favorite of his to look at. Not because of what they mean because that brings a certain ache that he would rather ignore. No, the stars are beautiful and show off another natural beast.
His eyes flicker to Canis Major on instinct, and he hates himself for it like always.
It’s hard to miss, being that it’s still winter so it’s up and bright, the brightest in the night sky.
Sirius.
Sirius’ star shines brighter than all the rest as always, no matter how visible the Milky Way is or how much light pollution fills the sky, Regulus can’t miss it if he tried. The only break is in the warmer months where he doesn’t really want to look at the sky anyways.
It’s unfair. It always has been. Sirius got everything, the better life, better friends, better home, even a better brother. All Regulus wanted was him, his big brother, and now he doesn’t even have that. Sirius left their house just under two years ago and has made a show of how much he is thriving because of it.
It makes Regulus want to rip his hair out.
Sirius, the light of the world, the light of his life. At least he was.
The sound of the hatch creaking open startles him to look to the side at the small brown door.
“Oh.” Sirius says, sticking his head out of the slanted opening. Eyes widened and lips downturned. His jet black hair is tied up in a loose bun at the back of his head, bright grey eyes filtering through many emotions at once. He’s wearing dark sweatpants, an obnoxiously red hoodie, and a checkered patterned black and white blanket around his shoulders. His black, chewed up nail polish stands out against his extremely pale skin along with a few ink lines that Regulus figures are drawings on his skin from how much he doesn’t pay attention in class.
Sirius is frozen with his hand clutching the hatch, half open and half outside as Regulus analyzes him.
He doesn’t speak. Doesn’t even acknowledge him. Instead, his eyes move forward once more, refusing to look in his way again. He focuses on breathing through the rising panic in his core at his mere presence.
Sirius too, it seems, didn’t expect to see his younger brother tonight because he seems frozen in place and hasn’t scurried off yet. Regulus wonders how long it’ll last this time.
They haven’t been in the same room since the event for longer than a few seconds.
Regulus hears Sirius taking a breath. "Didn't think anyone else would be here tonight..." he mutters. The sound is so quiet that if it was anyone except Regulus here, they wouldn’t hear it.
Regulus exhales a sigh, steeling himself, his gaze still fixed on the stars and not looking at Sirius.
“Neither did I,” He mutters in reply, tone flat and apathetic. He’s proud of himself for it, years of practicing paid off for this moment.
After a few beats where Regulus thinks he will start retreating, Sirius gets out of the doorway fully and sits down next to Regulus with about a meter between them.
Regulus wants to make it known that this is not helping the rising panic.
Regulus’ eyes flick to the side, taking notice of the proximity, keeping his face flat and suppressing the shiver and instead, he frowns.
As they sit, the tension hangs in the air, a clear division between the brothers. Regulus makes a deliberate effort to keep his gaze ahead. Why won’t he leave?
Of course he won’t leave. No matter what Sirius does in his life, he is stubborn. Regulus should have known that the time of avoiding each other would come to an end. He had been too lucky that Sirius would sometimes leave the room before he did.
Sirius gazes up at the stars from Regulus’ peripheral vision. Silent as well, at least.
His jaw tightened, his expression betraying nothing other than apathy, he makes sure of it. The longer they stay like this, atop a tower completely cut off from everyone in the castle, Regulus can feel the betraying longing feeling to get closer.
He hates him so much, hates what Sirius does to him.
Regulus hears Sirius take a deep breath and let his head fall back to look up, "Did...you come for the meteor shower?" He asks.
Regulus feels slightly taken aback by it. He glances at Sirius without moving his head. It’s a clear excuse and they both know it. There’s many meteor showers that can be seen from here. So why is Sirius leading this horrid inevitable conversation with that? Regulus has never known him to be so…careful.
"Yeah," Regulus lies, his voice is barely above a murmur. "Figured it’d be a waste to let the night go…” he says, unsure of how to proceed but it’s better than admitting that he was here to admire the pretty view and think about life.
He then silently curses himself for even engaging in conversation with his brother of all people. Why did he even go along with it?
Sirius nods next to him, "I thought so too..." he mutters quietly.
Usually, Sirius is loud and abrasive. And now he's… quiet ?
What the fuck is happening? And can he please leave?
It’s strange, is the thing. Sirius has never ever been cautious even when they were children. He’s never looked scared, not even of their mother when he was a child.
Is this distance between them scarier to approach than defying their mother?
He can’t help but sneak another glance at his brother, he scans his face but it’s the picture of calm and Regulus knows that it’s a mask like his own. Regulus isn’t sure if he should be relieved or unnerved at this change, it must be a change because this is…new.
Sirius chews on his bottom lip, a habit he's always had that annoyed Regulus to no end. He glances back at Regulus and catches him staring.
Shit.
Regulus instantly looks away, his eyes darting back to the black lake. He mentally berates himself for being caught staring. Why was he even staring in the first place?
He feels irritated as well as embarrassed, like a chalkboard being scratched slowly upwards inside his stomach.
Regulus takes a deep breath, his mind racing for something, anything to say, anything to distract Sirius from how he stared at him. The last thing he wants is for Sirius to jump to conclusions.
"I...don't know what to say." Sirius admits softly. The wind carrying his words towards Regulus.
Regulus looks at him again in pure confusion. Sirius is quiet . He’s not supposed to be quiet. It seems almost…
Genuine. Vulnerable in a way Regulus hasn't seen in him ever and the doesn’t know how to feel about it.
Regulus hesitates for a moment before speaking, for once he’s unsure what’s about to come out of his mouth. "For once, you’re speechless."
The sarcasm laced his voice and he hopes it does something to make Sirius leave. Regulus can’t leave unless Sirius goes first otherwise he might fall off the fucking tower. He’s trapped and he curses himself for the idiocy.
Sirius just nods, accepting that like he already knows. Regulus doesn’t imagine the far look in his brothers’ eyes, probably just as surprised as he is.
What the fuck is happening?
This entire interaction feels foreign, a far cry from their usual conversations in their childhood. The silence hangs in the air for a few more moments before Regulus breaks it, surprising himself.
"What brings you here, then?" He asks, his voice still flat thankfully.
"The shower. And...to think really." Sirius responds, looking at him.
Their eyes meet and every hair on Regulus’ body stands up. His brothers gaze is open and almost pleading.
Regulus looks at him, trying to decipher the words and the expression, it's so un-Sirius-like. He can feel the weight of their history in the air.
"Thinking, hm? That's a rare occurrence for you." he responds sarcastically, trying to hide the fact that he's thrown.
The corner of Sirius’ lips twitch but it fades quickly. "Been doing a lot of it these days.”
Again, Regulus is thrown. He feels like he's sinking into the unknown, drowning in the cold suffocation that is his brother.
He doesn't know what Sirius is thinking. He doesn't understand this mood, this change, and he doesn’t know how to respond.
Regulus’ gaze softens ever so slightly, he knows it’s imperceptible to anyone but his brother. His brother is catching him off guard, and it feels...strange, hearing him like this. It’s unnerving.
He hesitates for a moment before responding, his voice quiet. “What’s there to think about?”
Sirius shrugs. "Why are you here?" He counters instead.
Regulus falters for a split second because again, he can’t— won’t admit that he’s doing something so soft.
"I just... wanted to watch the meteor shower." He answers, his voice cool and detached in the charade they’re both using.
Sirius nods and the silence only thickens.
It hangs between the two brothers, the weight of the years of distance making it almost unbearable.
Regulus can feel a mix of emotions bubbling inside him. He hasn’t been near him in so long, not without animosity at least. This is strange, too fucking strange and Regulus doesn’t like it. Even in their childhood, they’ve never behaved like this to each other. There was never trepidation or hesitance, only Regulus being an avid listener and admiring his brother as Sirius went on and on on whatever his mind had at that moment.
Regulus was always the quiet one. Never Sirius.
His brothers’ voice rips him from his thoughts, Sirius sighs softly. "I...I’ve missed your…calm." He mutters almost too quiet to hear with the soft wind blowing towards them, causing ripples in the black lake below.
Regulus’ eyes widen slightly at that and his heart skips a beat. Missed his calm? What did that even mean?
He tries to keep his composure, his voice coming out as cold as he can make it. "What do you mean?"
"I've missed being around your calming presence, peaceful...like when we were kids.” Sirius explains, looking back out at the horizon and hugging the blanket towards his chest.
Regulus’ heart twists, it hurts. He always knew how much he’s missed it too, the simplicity of their childhood, before things had been ruined between them. How Sirius was loud with him yes, but also Sirius would be bouncing his leg or picking at his fingers while he rambled. Regulus would be a fool not to notice how after a while of them talking, the fidgeting would stop as Sirius would continue to go on and on.
He misses it too but not for the calming reason that Sirius gives. Regulus misses the childlike innocence as much as he berates himself for being so naive as a kid. He misses having only to experience simple feelings.
"We’re not kids anymore, Sirius." He says, his voice barely above a whisper and even he can hear the longing from his own mouth.
Sirius looks down at his bent knees where he sits, face sad and resentful. "I know.” his voice is hard and slightly raspy.
Regulus hates the way his heart clenches when he sees and hears him. It’s so painful, like a sharp stab to the chest with a rusty knife. He hates how he can’t help but feel for him, despite everything that has happened, he still feels for Sirius and he hates that.
He looks away, unable to look at his brother. “We can’t go back. You know those days are over.” he reminds them both. The softness of this moment can’t change the fact that the brothers are too broken to fix.
Sirius sighs. "I know that, too..."
The quiet acceptance in Sirius’ voice tugs at Regulus’ heart, and he hates himself for it. He hates how just a few mere seconds of conversation has already managed to sneak into the pile of shards that is his heart and squeeze it together.
“Then why bring it up?” he croaks out, refusing to look at his brother. “It’s pointless.”
Sirius hesitates, "I just wanted you to know that I miss you. And I'm sorry. And that I'm still angry at you." He says all in one breath.
Regulus’ eyes widen at that. He wasn’t expecting Sirius to actually acknowledge the pain and anger between them, let alone apologise. However, he’s probably not apologizing for what Regulus wants him to.
Regulus struggles with his words, his emotions are clouding his judgement; or rather Sirius is the cloud. Part of him wants to respond with something that’ll push Sirius out like he always planned to, but the other part of him, the one that longs for the closeness they once shared, wants to sink into his brother and cry like a baby.
Finally, he manages to speak, his voice rough and strained. “I miss you too, and I’m angry at you too.” he makes sure not to apologize.
He has done nothing inherently wrong. The night Sirius left, he came into Regulus’ bedroom with a bag slung over his shoulder and looked at him, asking him to come with. Regulus had felt the resentment bury deep within from that very moment and they shouted at each other before Sirius rushed out the window, leaving him behind.
Kreatcher had come in, asking what happened and Regulus had not been able to speak, he felt completely hollow and dead, like the silence and stillness after a tornado hits a home and wipes it clean off the ground, leaving you alone and stranded in the ghost of it.
Regulus stopped everything after that. Mother had yelled at him and cursed him, he took it obediently barely able to feel any of the stings. Eventually she stopped punishing him for letting Sirius get away and instead started praising him for being better than Sirius ever was. Each day passed and Regulus never once cried.
He won’t.
Sirius nods, accepting the words that Regulus already forgot he said. He hugs his knees to his chest and wraps the blanket tighter around himself.
Regulus silently berates himself for showing weakness, for letting Sirius catch a glimpse at how he isn’t unaffected. He’s supposed to be composed, cold and hard like stone, not on the brink of the tsunami of emotions he pulled in.
Regulus internally fights with himself. He wants to slap his brother, he wants to hug him and lock onto him. He does neither, instead, he stays silent, his eyes fixed on the sky above, trying to ignore the growing lump in his throat.
"Can I ask....why?" Sirius mutters. "Why them over me?”
Regulus’ heart clenches painfully. He knew this was coming, the confrontation that he’d been dreading. He knows what Sirius means and it’s wrong. He takes a deep breath, “It’s not as simple as you make it sound,” he responds, the words tight and measured. “You know it’s more complicated than that.”
Sirius sighs deeply. "And you know that I don't think it's complicated at all." He says, his voice is soft but with the air that he has said this many times before.
Regulus bristles, it’s too easy, his excuse. Regulus knew his brother would blame him in some way. “It is complicated,” he insists, his voice laced with frustration and bitterness. “You can’t just turn your back on our family and expect me to follow you. You don’t understand.”
Sirius' bottom lip trembles with his next words, it makes Regulus’ throat tighten. "Then make me understand. Because from my perspective, it's pretty clear already that you chose them over coming with me.”
It’s almost unbearable to see him so vulnerable, to see the pain and hurt in his expression when all Regulus has known from him is strength. Regulus has always thought of Sirius as a storm, and now…he’s like a light shower.
But he can’t give in now, not with how Sirius is playing this. Even though his heart is screaming and lurching. He steels his voice as best as he can.
“It’s not as simple as choosing one side over the other,” he says, his hands curling into fists to stop from shaking. “I’m still family, Sirius. I can’t just abandon them.”
Sirius chews the inside of his cheek. "I was family to you too…”
Regulus falters at that, a wave of guilt washes over him immediately because…
Was?
He looks down, unable to meet his brother’s gaze.
“I know you were,” he admits quietly, his voice thick with the use of the past tense. “But I…I made my choice. It wasn’t easy for me.”
"It wasn't easy for me either. To leave you behind–" Sirius’ voice cracks at the last word and he turns his face away from Regulus.
Regulus’ heart can’t take this. The vulnerability in Sirius’ voice, the raw pain he can clearly hear. The sight of his brother’s breaking composure hits him harder than he expected but it’s not enough. Sirius doesn’t get to play victim like he didn’t break Regulus that day.
He swallows around the lump in his throat, fighting back the betraying tears that cloud his vision of the beautiful black lake.
Fuck. Thanks Sirius.
“I know it wasn’t easy,” he whispers, his voice almost breaking as well. “But you still left me.”
"You refused to come with me." Sirius says with a new voice, a stronger one as he looks at him. "I had to leave, Regulus. I had to.”
Regulus’ eyes harden. There it is. “You didn’t have to. You chose to.”
Regulus turns to face him fully, his expression tight and he can feel the muscles in his face twitching slightly. “You could have stayed, you could have found another way. You didn’t have to leave me alone with them.”
"I begged you to come with me,” Sirius sounds pleading. “I know that's an ultimatum but I–....I would've died, Reg.”
Regulus nearly flinches at the nickname, thankfully the one he hates the least. He resents Sirius for forcing him to choose, for making him face their parents alone, for making him talk with him trapped outside in the cold on the fucking highest tower in Hogwarts.
"You don't understand," Regulus snaps, his voice rising and he can feel the frustration filling him. "They're my family, my blood. I can't just abandon them."
But his words feel hollow, like he's trying to convince himself as much as he's trying to convince Sirius.
Not good. Definitely not good.
Sirius winces because that's exactly what he did, isn’t it? He abandoned Regulus "But I was begging you. You should've picked me. Not our abusive parents–”
Regulus’ chest tightens even further to the point that he’s sure a diamond might be forming at his core, the guilt and resentment in him only growing. Sirius’ words cut deep because he knows the truth in them.
"It’s not fair," Regulus mutters, his voice barely above a whisper as the emotions start to spill through the cracks. “You asked me to choose between you and my family. It’s not that simple–”
" I am your family ." Sirius bites out harshly, eyes hard and tears spilling from them. "Me. I raised you. I taught you to walk. I took each hit for you. Me .”
Oh Regulus can’t do this, he really can’t because now he’s feeling .
Regulus feels a lump forming in his throat and he tries to swallow it down and wash it away, his heart is heavy with guilt and longing. Sirius’ words hit him hard because they’re true and that makes it so much worse. Sirius did raise him. Sirius taught him everything he knew, he was his hero and protector until he left.
Regulus never deserved it, did he? He never deserved Sirius’ light and warmth. Sirius had given him everything and the one thing he asked Regulus to do, he wouldn’t.
“You did,” Regulus admits, his voice is quiet and strained to his own ears. “You were always there for me. But they’re my parents…I’m supposed to love them.” because that’s it isn’t it? He was 14 when Sirius left and all he wanted was a happy family. He thought that maybe if Sirius stayed and obeyed then mother would be proud and happy with them. Love them because they deserved it. But then Sirius left.
Sirius whimpers beside him. " Supposed . You're supposed to. That's not love, Regulus. That’s– I–...." he starts to crumble, shoulders shaking under the blanket and tears falling freely now, "I don't understand it...why you would choose them. Unless you truly hated me.”
Regulus’ heart twists painfully at the sight of his brother crumbling before him. Sirius has never done that. Sirius is strong, powerful, and resilient. He’s never…
“I don’t,” Regulus says softly, half hoping that the wind would cover the words but of course it doesn’t. “I don’t hate you, Sirius. I could never fully hate you.” He wants– no he needs to make Sirius understand. Sirius has to know that Regulus is angry yes and he hates Sirius but he doesn’t hate him.
"Our parents are siding with the Dark Lord, is that really what you want?" Sirius asks, voice quiet and pleading now. It’s clear that he’s grasping at anything now.
But Regulus’ expression hardens immediately. He knows the truth in Sirius’ words but they can’t talk about this. Surely Sirius knows.
“No," Regulus admits, which is even shocking to himself. “But it’s not about what I want. It’s about–“ he falters, unable to bring himself to finish the sentence, he knows that it’ll only make Sirius push harder.
But is that what he wants? To see how far Sirius will plead?
Sirius watches him carefully, the tears have stopped but his eyes are still puffy. "About..?”
Regulus hesitates, he wants to tell Sirius the truth, to explain why he did what he did but should he? He knows how this is going to sound like. Is he okay with admitting that?
Why not? A cynical voice says, he’s going to bug you either way.
“It’s about what’s expected of me.” he states quietly. “It’s about the family name, the pureblood lineage, the expectations placed upon me since the day I was born.”
Sirius swallows. "The expectations that were mine until I ran away…” he trails off.
Regulus knows that of course, but it’s still difficult to picture. All the pressure on him now is what Sirius had.
And Sirius couldn’t handle it, so he ran.
Regulus nods, the movement is measured. “Yes,” he whispers carefully. “The same expectations that are now mine to fulfill.”
Sirius looks defeated, like an empty balloon. "Do you see why I had to leave? You were always better at following the rules...I can't. It would've killed me…”
Regulus’ gaze drops to his hands, his fingers fidgeting with the fabric of his cloak. He struggles to find the right words because yes he does see why but...
“I see why you left,” he admits quietly. “But I’m not like you, Sirius. I can’t just throw everything away. I can't just walk away from the only life I've ever known–”
Sirius huffs in frustration. Eyes set like steel. "I get it, alright? I get it. You choose them." Sirius rests his chin on his knee and Regulus can see the small shimmer glide down his face once again.
Oh here’s the guilt. He hates the pain and disappointment in his brothers voice. He always messes things. He wants to reach out to him, comfort him in some way that he doesn’t know because he’s never wanted to before.
"Sirius, it's not that simple–" he begins, but he gets interrupted which might be better since his voice was starting to waver.
"I chose the Potters. We each made our choice." Sirius sniffles. "Regulus I can’t...do you know what's going to happen?” his voice changes into softer, more scared.
Regulus knows. He knew this was coming, knew their conversation would eventually lead to this.
He clenches his jaw and pushes out the words. “What do you mean?” he asks, though he’s pretty sure he already knows the answer.
Sirius sighs. "I...I don't want to see you on the other side of the war when we fight." He whispers.
Yep, that’s it. It’s what Regulus has pushed deep down the most. Down where its cold and dark and pressurized to the point of no return but here Sirius is with a fishhook, reeling it up into the open air.
Regulus can feel his heart sinking. Fucking hell, Sirius.
Regulus hates him so much. Regulus hates Sirius more than anyone or anything in his life but he also loves him just as much. He can’t fight him when it comes to it. He can make a pretty good show but there’s no way he would be able to fully harm his brother, it’s just not possible.
Regulus looks away, unable to meet his gaze. “Sirius, I–“ he starts, but his voice fails him. It’s dreadful. What can he even respond?
Sirius is crying again, looking terrified to even speak of it. "I can't kill you, Reg. I can't . I can't hurt you. But you're going to be helping them and–” his voice cracks. He swallows and tries again but it’s hopeless.
Regulus aches. He feels a wave of fear wash over him and his stomach twists into knots. The thought of fighting against his brother is a nightmare. He can’t do it either.
“It won’t come to that, Sirius,” he protests, his voice tinged with so much desperation that he’s cringing from the sheer rawness.
Sirius looks at him equally as desperate. "It will though. Don't you see? I'm the maniac of the order. The unpredictable Black that they can’t trust. They'll put me at the front lines.” Sirius’ voice goes softer now, “And you...you're so smart. The dark lord will want you to fight in the front too, with him…”
Regulus’ head is already starting to shake no. He can’t fight against Sirius. He can’t even imagine the look on his face when Regulus would take off the mask to reveal himself and they would fight until one looses.
And it would be Regulus. Regulus would die some way, some how because he cannot be here without Sirius. Regardless if they’re talking or angry or hate each other. Regulus can’t live if he knows that Sirius isn’t on the planet anymore.
“We can’t let it come to that,” he insists, his voice firm. His thoughts are pushing his heart to come out and he can’t help but spill over with it because he would do anything other than this scenario. “We have to find another way, we have to make the others see–”
Sirius suddenly laughs hallowly. "Dumbledore doesn't see shit. The only way is if we run away together, or if you come to my side.”
Run away together? Wasn’t that question what started this?
“I can’t just run away,” Regulus protests, though the words sound weak even to his own ears and he knows that he’s reaching but what else can he do when he barely was able to resist the first time Sirius asked? “I have responsibilities, obligations–”
"It's war, Regulus." Sirius interrupts softly. "And I won't fight you. I won't kill you. You'd have to kill me." He says, hitting the nail in the coffin.
Regulus feels a sharp pain in his chest from it. He can’t.
He looks at him, his expression pleading and more open than ever before. “You can’t ask me to do that. I can’t–”
"Then don't. Run with me. Come with me." He pleads, scooting closer by putting his knees down and facing him. His eyes are big and watery, his chest rising and falling quickly. The wind picks up again, gently swaying Sirius’ stray locks that have fallen from the bun.
Regulus aches and aches . Part of him wants to say yes, to pack his things and run away with his brother without a second thought. Throwing caution to the wind and fold into his arms.
But the other part of him feels bound by family and duty...no, that’s not right. He's scared . He's scared of the unknown, scared of what it would mean and how everything would change.
Regulus closes his eyes and breathes out. It must be a sign for Sirius because he continues.
"I’m sorry I left. The last thing I wanted was to leave you behind. You're my world, Reg. And I'm not leaving you again." Sirius says with strength. The words melting the dust of his heart up.
That’s it really. Those words are what break him fully. His resolve shatters under the pressure and it all comes pouring out. The years of pushing and bottling had finally exploded just like everyone says will happen. All thanks to those words.
“ I’m not leaving you again.”
“I’m sorry, the last thing I wanted…”
Regulus swallows, his eyes welling up once more and he knows he can’t stop it now. “I’m sorry too,” he whispers, his voice cracking. “I should’ve gone with you. I should’ve chosen you–” he admits, taking the blame that he swore he never would. Powerless.
Sirius’ tears finally fall from his eyes again and he gives a watery smile. "I shouldn't have forced you to choose the way I did.”
Regulus shakes his head, a pained expression on his face as he shifts in his position. “No...you were right to give me a choice. I just... I was too blind to see it. Too scared.”
He’s utterly pathetic isn’t he? Hated his brother for years and their first conversation makes him break and sob like a baby, taking the blame and retracting like a scared kitten.
Regulus sighs and continues, his shoulders sagging. “I let them get to me, I should’ve been stronger, like you were.”
Sirius shakes his head and gently touches his shoulder. It’s careful but desperate. The first point of contact in so long. Regulus nearly doubles over at the intensity. "You're the strongest person I've ever known. You stayed in that house when I couldn't.” Sirius says.
Regulus’ gaze drops, he’s the farthest from strong, that was always Sirius. “But look at me now,” he mutters bitterly. “I’m still here, obeying them like a good little soldier. I couldn’t even follow you–”
"Reg–" Sirius scoots closer. "You don't have to be a soldier."
Regulus’ heart lunges, seeking his brother. He wants to believe him but he’s scared, honestly terrified.
There’s nothing more that Regulus wants than that right now. But– “It’s not that simple, Sirius,” he says, his voice tinged with bitterness. “I’m too deep in now. I can’t just turn back, I can’t just betray them–” he stutters.
"What have they ever done for us? For you ?" Sirius whispers. His hand tucking a strand of Regulus' curls back and his eyes search his face.
Regulus feels so open and vulnerable. He needs to deny it though, there might still be a chance they could all be happy and fine together, right? But Sirius’ touch, it’s so faint barely even there but it’s changing Regulus’ life.
He takes a deep breath, his voice cracking. “They’re our parents. They’re our family,” he says quietly, his voice shaking. “It’s the only life I’ve ever known...”
"Can't I show you a new life?" Sirius swallows to ease his own trembling. Letting his hand fall. "How about this...tell them you're spending Christmas at Hogwarts and instead, come to the Potters with me. See what it's like and then decide?” his voice is quiet.
Regulus meets his eyes. The thought of spending Christmas with his brother, away from the pressures of home, is so fucking tempting, but the thought of defying his parents is terrifying nonetheless.
The Potters. The family that took Sirius away from him and stole him. The family that gave him a home when he was likely going to be on the streets of some muggle town.
Christmas .
Well what is he going to do? He can’t deny it, he already knows. Sirius is looking at him like that and Regulus no longer cares about anything else.
He finally nods slowly. “Okay,” he says softly. “I’ll come with you for Christmas.”
Sirius audibly gasps, eyes widening. "Y-yeah?”
Regulus nods again, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips and he’s trembling. From excitement or terror, he’s unsure. “Yes,” he says, his voice growing firmer. “I want to see what it’s like.” His voice turns soft and gentle, “I want to be with you .”
Sirius absorbs the words, Regulus can see him processing them and a sob bubbles out of him. He pulls Regulus into a tight hug for the first time in years. His blanket falling behind him onto the stone.
Regulus is taken aback by it, his breath catching in his chest. For a moment, he stiffens, his instinct is to retch away from any physical contact especially something like this. Sirius’ strong arms have him locked in like tentacles, squeezing the pain and the remains of his melted heart that’s slowly starting to take shape again.
Suddenly, Regulus finds himself melting into the hug, his arms tentatively wrapping around his brother. The familiar scent of Sirius makes his tears start to fall.
Sirius cries as well, clinging onto him with shaking arms. "Thank you. Thank you Merlin ...thank you.”
Regulus buries his face in his brothers shoulder. The safest place he’s ever known.
“I missed you,” Regulus murmurs quietly, his arms tightening around him. “I missed you so much...”
Sirius whimpers and cries in his hair, holding him tightly. "I-...so much, Reggie so much . I couldn't breathe without you–”
Regulus squeezes his eyes shut, letting the tears fall freely. Hearing Sirius call him that. Saying that. Regulus can’t fight it anymore.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus mutters through his tears. “I’m so sorry I didn’t go with you...”
"No...no please– I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my fault please –"
Regulus’ grip tightens on his brother. “ No , it wasn’t,” he insists, his own tears staining Sirius’ shoulder. “You made the right choice. I was just too scared–”
"I wasn’t thinking.” Sirius rushes, “I should've shown you a better life, should've taken you regardless." He squeezes tighter.
Regulus shakes his head, refusing to let his brother carry the guilt any longer. “You did nothing wrong. Don’t blame yourself for my weakness–”
"Don't call yourself weak for my cowardice." Sirius counters. "Just...just–" he shudders and shakes, scooting even closer and pressing their chests fully together.
Regulus can feel the melted glass of his heart starting to take shape, starting to pulse.
Regulus’ fingers tangle in the fabric of Sirius’ shirt, his knuckles going white from the grip. “You’re anything but cowardly…” he protests weakly, his voice hoarse and cracking.
"You're anything but weak." Sirius says softly, nuzzling into his hair, only melting Regulus more. "Can we stop arguing now?" He sniffles.
That’s the new part. The small argument moments ago is the storm that Regulus knows. The powerful and unpredictable vortex that spins you in and booms from above. But this is new. The care and gentleness.
Regulus nods weakly, his face still buried as far as it’ll go. He doesn’t know how long they’ve been sitting here, crying and clinging to each other, but time doesn’t matter.
Not anymore.
They sit there for what feels like hours, holding onto each other and pouring their hearts out. Regulus can feel the weight of the past years lifting off of him as he finally lets himself feel the emotions he’s kept bottled up inside. The tsunami finally crashes and hits, now the water is leveling.
Finally, when the tears have nearly dried, he pulls away slightly, looking at Sirius with red-rimmed eyes.
“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” he mutters, a small smile tugging at his lips and he feels delirious honestly.
Sirius smiles back. It’s crooked and weak from exhaustion. “Me neither. I promise it’ll be worth your time.”
Regulus’ heart skips at that smile. It’s not the one he’s seen from afar where his brother laughs too loud or smiles too fake. This one is for him and only him.
“I’ll hold you to that,” he teases softly.
"Anything. Anything..." Sirius presses their foreheads together and closes his eyes. "Thank you...I promise I'll make it worth it.”
Regulus swallows, his heart skipping a beat once again at the closeness. It feels so right. So like home.
“You don’t have to thank me,” Regulus whispers. “I should’ve been the one to come with you. I just… I wish I had the courage…” he feels himself faltering.
Sirius shudders softly and takes Regulus’ face in both of his hands, looking at him closely. Thunder grey meeting silver blue. "Can we agree to disagree on this topic? Because we could go on and on forever and I just want to hold you–”
Regulus nods before Sirius even finishes the sentence, a soft sigh escaping his lips as his face is cradled in his brothers hands. He closes his eyes, leaning into the touch instinctively, absorbing the warmth that he hasn’t felt in too long.
Home.
“Okay,” Regulus whispers, almost slurred. “No more apologies. No more. Just us, now.”
Sirius nods. "Just us..." he echoes. His thumbs brushing his cheeks softly, sending Regulus into a deeper muddled state.
Regulus leans into it, the muscles in his face relax and unclench completely. The intimacy makes him feel safe and tingly all over. Sirius has always been able to do that.
It takes a while for his brain to start working again, when it does, he speaks up. He opens his eyes, looking into Sirius’ eyes softly. “Can I ask you something?”
"Anything." Sirius responds just as soft. Their foreheads still pressed close so their eyes are mere inches in separation.
Regulus swallows, his fingers toying with the edge of Sirius’ cloak. “When… when we’re at the Potters for Christmas, it’ll just be us, right?”
"You, me, James and his parents. That's all." Sirius says softly, watching him carefully now.
Regulus nods, his body relaxing further. He still feels resentment towards the family but he shoves those feelings down. For now, all that matters is the fact that he’ll be spending Christmas with Sirius and learn about the people Sirius loves so much.
“Okay…” he whispers, closing his eyes once more. “I just wanted to make sure...”
Sirius nods against him. "There's a spare bedroom next to mine too. You can escape there anytime if you get overwhelmed.” he explains, then adds in more of a whisper, “Or...you can share mine.”
Regulus takes a breath. The only person he’s ever shared a bed with was Sirius. He never trusted anyone else to be that close to him at such a vulnerable time. They would sneak into each others rooms and tangle up together under the covers. Regulus would shove his freezing feet onto Sirius and Sirius would always somehow manage to roll on top of him to the other side during the night.
“Share yours,” he says softly, his voice matching the whisper. “If… that’s alright…?”
Sirius only smiles wider. "Of course, Reg. You don't even have to ask." His gaze softens even more. "My room is much different than when we were kids, though.”
Regulus smiles in return. “Is that so?” he asks with only a hint of teasing.
Look how far they’ve come already. Sitting here alone at night.
Sirius nods. "I can't wait to show you. I think you'll like it." He smiles at him.
Regulus feels his heart tugging again. “I’m sure I will,” he replies, his eyes still fixed on his brothers’.
Sirius looks at him for a moment before hugging him to his chest again. "I can't believe it's happening.” Sirius’ hand softly rubs up and down his back. "It’ll all be okay, I promise. No matter what you choose in the end, I'll always love you." He murmurs quietly into his hair.
Regulus nods, his throat tightening as he feels the words hit him. He clings to his brother tightly, his face buried in his shoulder.
He appreciates it immensely, that Sirius would love him regardless. The thought nearly springs new tears to his eyes. But it’s pointless, he’s already made his decision. Just a few moments with his brother and he knows that this will be better than the life he has been living so far.
But above all that…
“I love you too…” Regulus rasps out, his voice cracking. “I love you so much…”
Sirius melts into him and hugs him tighter. "I love you. I love you so much." His voice is also hoarse.
Regulus squeezes him tighter as well, his heart is pounding. He can’t remember the last time they said it to each other, and he’s overwhelmed by it.
He’s surprised to find that he kind of likes it.
“I’ve missed hearing that…” Regulus whispers, his voice shaky.
Sirius gives a soft chuckle and sniffles. "Me too. I feel like I'm dreaming.”
Regulus lets a smile bloom on his face, the sound thick with unshed tears. He feels the same way. He never thought this would happen.
“You’re not dreaming,” he insists softly and he allows himself to melt into him. “I’m right here…”
"Right here..." Sirius echoes, nuzzling his face into his hair once again. Regulus can feel him breathe in deeply.
“Stay with me like this for a bit longer…” Regulus whispers, his grip tightening slightly just in case.
Sirius nods, he melts into him but doesn’t loosen the grip. Regulus relaxes into the embrace even more, peace washes over him in wave after wave. Time passes, who knows how long, and none of it matters.