Chapter Text
“I have to tell you something.”
These words have been ringing in Aubrey's head all the time for the last hours. She was lying in her bed, trying to sleep, but she couldn’t. After what happened the last couple of days, sleeping is not what comes easily. She had to think… a lot. Especially what Sunny said in the hospital… she had to figure things out. She had to recall everything from the last days and wrap her head around everything. She closed her eyes and started thinking. She didn’t want to run away. Not anymore.
What happened lately was… a lot to take in. Just yesterday, she reconnected with her friends after 4 years of grieving and doubting that would ever happen. 4 years of watching everybody move on… except these two, and now she can clearly see it.
When she met Sunny outside, she felt it. Hope. Hope that, maybe, he's the one who didn't forget, who came for her after so much time.
And yet, she couldn't have pretended that everything was alright. She knew it. For God's sake, she saw it all through. His eyes, once filled with hidden joy and innocence, resembled nothingness, pure void. His face, once showing so many expressions with those small quirks of his and at the same time stoic, was completely blank, sometimes showing pure confusion, like he didn't know where he was or what was real.
She hadn't seen him for 4 years. 4 YEARS!! That's a lot of time and people change. SHE has changed. She didn't even know if he's just like that now. She once knew him well, but then she wasn't so sure.
And there also stood a person who she blamed the most for her years of loneliness beside someone who didn't move his ass from house for 4 years. So she connected the dots. This fucking moron, Kel , left her for his new friends, forgetting about his old ones and pretending like they never knew each other, and suddenly he reached out to someone. Anyone, but her. And he even dared to ask for this freak’s album. After the time she spent cleaning it, he thought she would just give it away? No fucking way. And suddenly, she felt it. Pure hatred and rage. She had to control herself a lot not to smash his head with her bat.
But then… a knife incident happened. What the hell was he thinking?! Stabbing her just like that, without hesitation.
That… scared her. The look on his face after he saw blood on her arm. She knew what that was. Not fury, not pride, just… confusion. Like the last time Kim got high and realized that lake wasn’t, in fact, a big pond of chocolate (it was both disgusting and fucking hilarious). But he was fully conscious of his actions, wasn't he?
She knew something was clearly wrong, but back then, she was overwhelmed. Too many emotions at once. She had to sort some things out in her head.
And she made a mistake. A really grave one, to be honest. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to forget and move on. But how could she forget if these two were appearing all the time in her life! She wanted them to stay away, to leave her alone, just like they used to do for the past years.
She wanted them to disappear… so she almost did that, didn't she? She pushed Basil. To the fucking lake. She wasn't thinking at the moment nor could she move. He knew how to swim, right? But even if he did, he was just sinking, deeper and deeper. And she stood there like he was just another rock she threw into the water.
And then she saw movement next to her and another person falling to the lake. Sunny. He… he jumped for Basil. He wanted to save him, the least ‘brave’ person from the group. And she, who they all considered the strongest one, was just watching it all happen because of her. She wanted to run away, but she couldn't do anything. It was all too much already and Kel yelling to her ear wasn't helping at all.
Suddenly she realized. Sunny was locked in for 4 years. He couldn't swim. Two of her childhood friends were drowning because of her and she didn't do a thing to change that.
She… killed them. She killed 2 people who she once considered best friends. Just because she couldn't control her emotions like a normal person, she ruined everything instead. Or so she thought so until something stopped her despair. Or rather someone.
Hero suddenly appeared beside them, rapidly asking questions. She didn’t hear him clearly, but the next thing she saw was him jumping after Basil and Sunny. He saved them. He was a hero. And she, just like Kel said, was a villain. God sent him… or maybe Mari? She didn't have any answers but she was scared while she was looking at the whirlpool that they made on the surface. Thankfully, Hero managed to take them out of the lake. They were asking questions, she heard Kel shouting at her. But she couldn’t stand it anymore.
This entire thing… didn't happen, right? She couldn't have just pushed someone into the lake. It was too much even for her. But she knew. Her heart knew that she couldn't pretend. But her body acted automatically.
She ran away. She ran away, again, not daring to face the consequences of her actions. She locked herself in her room, thinking of how she's just messing up everything. She couldn't sleep. She didn’t even know what time it was because she covered the windows. Images of Basil and Sunny drowning were following her all the time. Hero didn't show up and her friends… No, that didn't happen. But could've. She then realized. Sunny, Hero, Kel, even Basil. They all were there, at their old Secret Hangout Spot. They all came back. And she is the one who ran away. She's the one who locked herself, who didn't want them in her life, not the opposite. She… is the reason for her loneliness, no?
She heard some noises from outside. Something hit her window. Was that Kim throwing rocks again?... She looked at the photograph on the desk. Kim… her new best friend. She really liked her and their group but… This was her way of grieving. She replaced her emotions with rage and grief. She locked herself again in front of her new friends. The Hooligans, a group of delinquents and rebellious teens. They all were following her lead, they all were seeing her as a leader and they would always help her. But she didn't see it until now. She thought that they were there only for her strength and coolness. Hell, she was so wrong.
She should've reached out to them. She should've reached out to anyone. Instead, she was busy bullying and pushing people into the lake, almost killing them.
And Sunny… he didn't say anything. He didn't even make any sound since she met him. He looked so weak and vulnerable. What had he been doing this entire time at home? Where were his parents, for fuck’s sake?! He looked neglected. He looked depressed. He didn't move on… just like her, he was still living in the past. Or looking at his condition, she wasn't sure if what he's been through is what she should call ‘living’.
And despite all of that, he jumped. He wanted to save Basil. Or maybe he wished that he would've drowned with him? She didn't know, but what she did know is that he, a weak, too-thin-for-his-age boy did so much more than she was able to. She could swim, she was strong, but she did nothing. And Sunny, of all people, risked his life for his friend. That… was something. He still didn't show any emotion on his face but he showed it in his actions, as usual.
And then Aubrey thought that he had indeed changed. He changed a lot, just like her, but he still was the Sunny she knew well all these years ago. He matured, even though he had been locked in his room for so long. She felt like he really was there, all the time, and she had to just reach out.
But she was scared. She saw her best friend drowning and she couldn't move. She could've lost him faster than she got him back. If only it weren't for Hero… He saved him. He saved Sunny. She was so relieved she wanted to get to him and hug him tightly, apologizing for what she did. She felt like she almost lost everything and gained the entire world. It reminded her of the last time they were all there. When Sunny almost drowned too, but back then Mari was there to save him. She felt the same back then, but this time that was her fault. She was the one to blame. She… couldn't take it at the time. She was overwhelmed by her emotions. And then Kel approached. He was telling the truth, he was being honest and obviously angry at her, but she couldn't face that at the moment. Her eyes watered, she didn't know what to do, but she didn't want to cry either. She looked at Sunny, hoping that she would see anything on his face.
And she saw something. Confusion but also… determination? He looked like he just fought against something and won to his surprise. His emotions were always hidden, enigmatic even. But she was always good at reading him, probably after so much time spent on the swings.
For the last day she was worried that she either lost this ability or he just felt nothing. That was scary and concerning. She was worried, she wanted to help but she didn't know if he even wanted her help. Maybe he didn't want to see her in particular. But seeing something else filled her with hope. He was there, deep inside, maybe lost and depressed, but he was still there. He needed help and she wanted to help him. After she almost lost him twice she couldn't leave it like that.
But… he was scared too, wasn’t he? He almost drowned and he knows what she did. It would be weird if he and others even wanted to see her again. And she's always ruining everything so it’d be for the better that she just bit by bit moved away from everyone. She could handle everything herself, she was strong. She couldn't stand hurting her friends anymore. Kel, Basil, Sunny and Hero… they all had their reasons to not reach out to her. Even if Sunny needed her the most back then, he had Kel now. Nobody needed her anyway so she should just take care of her own business.
Or so she thought until she heard a trapdoor slam. She saw 3 people entering the room. They… all came back. Why would they? She almost killed 2 of their friends and they came there, to her room, to the shithole where she lived. Apparently, all of it didn't truly matter to them.
She finally felt… warmth. They wanted her in their group back again, even after what she did. She couldn't help smiling back then but she didn't want to show it openly yet, so she was very glad that they pulled out the album. Ahh Kel, you little gross dumbass. She could bet he hadn't even washed his hands since rummaging through her trash.
But, oh God, she was so happy. She missed them a lot for the past years and she got to have a throwback to what her life was once. Everything they did afterwards was like a dream that if she could, she would never wake up from.
It was too good to be true and she didn't want that day to end. Picnic with Mari… it confirmed to her that the fact they didn't visit her was not because they forgot and moved on. They all had grieved in a different way and nobody was strong or smart enough to try helping out the others. They were all so dumb, including her.
And then on the swings… The memories came back to her, the last time she was there with Sunny. She missed their little conversations so much. The swings always unlock in her something and even after these years she felt exactly the same, she felt the feelings she wanted to bottle up and throw away, but there with Sunny she just couldn't. Words just flowed from her mouth absentmindedly. Although sometimes there were none, there was no need. All that mattered was having some nice and comforting company in peaceful silence.
Sunny was never the best at showing his emotions. When she first met him, she thought he was cold and just didn't like her. He didn't even say anything to her after some months. When she was left only with him she felt very uncomfortable and wanted to run away or hide from him. How was it possible that Mari, who she considered her sister, had a sibling who was the exact opposite of her? But he was there, close to his sister almost all the time, so she should've finally talked to him.
And she tried but it was so difficult. He mostly just hummed when she was telling him about something or he was zoning out. Or so it seemed for her back then. She couldn't read him at all. He was so mysterious to her that she started to find it tiring. She just assumed he didn't like her because he approached Basil by himself and he seemed to always have fun with everyone. Everyone but her. His presence started to feel suffocating to her. She wanted to run away and lock herself up because, as always, she was a burden to this group. Everybody liked Sunny so if he would've said that he disliked her, they’d all abandon her. It happened so many times that she didn't want it to happen again so she started avoiding them bit by bit until eventually they’d forget about her. At least she tried to do it.
But then something really unexpected happened. She knew that Mari and Hero went out together, Kel was ill and Basil was helping his grandmother in the garden. For them it was a very normal day but for her… it was like hell. It happened again. Her parents were arguing about something she didn't understand. She was scared and she heard some words that even she could understand. Divorce, cheating, Aubrey's fault… She didn't want to get hit again by her father so she did what she wanted to do a lot of times but rarely had enough courage. She ran away. She escaped through her window and ran, not even knowing where.
And then she found herself climbing up the ladder to the treehouse. She was crying so much that she couldn’t see anything clearly. Everything was blurry and fuzzy. She remembers hugging Mr. Plantegg and sobbing loudly when she heard a sound from outside. Someone approached her. Of course it was Sunny. Of all people, it had to be him and he was the first one to see her in such a state. She thought he wanted her to leave. He had to be disgusted by her, crying there shamelessly.
But instead… he sat there. He sat down right next to her not saying anything. Then she felt it for the first time. His presence. It was not suffocating anymore. The air was not dense but comfortable. So comfortable that she just collapsed to his side embracing him. He had to be surprised but didn't say anything. He just started to pat her. She couldn't help but smile a bit. She was not alone. Not anymore. She remembers him offering a walk somewhere because he was scared that if they stayed in that position for too long, spiders would show up thinking that they were their meal. She didn't quite understand him but she chuckled and agreed. They were heading to Faraway Park, holding hands because she didn't want him to go away.
And that was how they ended up on the swings for the first time. She didn't even blink and it started to be their new regular activity. She could finally tell someone her feelings and what's really happening inside her house. He rarely replied but it was enough. His presence started to be soothing, and she spent more and more time with him. He became her best friend.
She learnt how to read him too. It was pretty difficult at the start but she quickly caught it. His face reflected so many emotions if you looked closely. When his left eye twitched it meant that he was feeling annoyed by something but if it was his right eye it meant that he considered something funny. He was like an enigma that she was slowly decoding. And after some time she also discovered something else.
She wanted to spend the entire time with him and started to be jealous of Basil when he and Sunny were together alone. She started craving for the comfort he was giving her more and more. She wanted to cling to him and pinch his cheeks when he was being cute. She felt warmth with him. So much of it that she started to feel like something was burning inside her.
And just like that she realized… She had a huge crush on him. She didn't know what it exactly meant back then, but she started feeling nervous sometimes with him and she was blushing more often in his presence. She started swinging by his house almost every day, wanting to spend more time with him. Mari… knew. Oh god, she knew so badly. She teased them all the time and it was very embarrassing. And she was smart and perceptive. She knew people’s feelings so she had to see right through her. She probably wanted to talk about it eventually.
But then the day of the recital came and all of their peaceful life crashed into pieces in one day. She never realized that, but the person who connected them all was Sunny the entire time. Not Kel, not Mari but Sunny. They all were friends but didn't spend that much time together separately without him. He was always there. Activities and games they played were always adapted to his comfort by Mari. So, when he isolated himself, their group went into pieces. She realized that then, on the swings again. She remembered all the time she'd spent with him before the recital. She peeked at him.
He looked so different from the last time they were there together. He was a bit taller, had a less childish face and more tired eyes. His eyes… they were so dark one would think they're completely black. But if you looked closer, you could see a shade of brown, especially when they sparkled with joy or excitement. But for the last few days, they were completely black. Like a void someone could drown in and get lost forever. It had its own charm too but she missed the innocent, joyful ones.
He was also a lot thinner. She didn't know what happened during these 4 years but it had to be really rough for him. And apparently his parents weren't interested in him enough to be worried about him starving. She promised herself to never leave him again. To stay by his side especially if it's difficult for him. She felt so selfish leaving him alone whilst he was always there on the swings with her when she needed it. And she didn't even come by to his house thinking that he just moved on and abandoned her when, in reality, it was all the way around.
She felt warmth in her heart again. It was subtle but it was there. And she couldn't let it slip this time. She had been in multiple relationships with both boys and girls but this kind of heat was not replaceable. Maybe some feelings don't just go away. They might fade away or be hidden for some time, but they can't be replaced.
But then… the sleepover. Once filled with hope quickly turned into a nightmare. She woke up in the middle of the night and heard shuffling next to her. She thought it was just a dream until she heard a creaking door from the hallway and a silent slam. She opened her eyes and saw that Sunny's sleeping bag was empty. Something felt off, something told her to go check up on him. But she brushed it off. He probably just went to the bathroom. She didn't want to be a creep or whatever. So she went back to sleep. In hindsight, it was a grave mistake.
She felt someone shaking her and waking her up. Kel… she wanted to yell at him but she saw tears on his cheeks. He was crying? Kel?! She immediately jumped out of the bed and exactly knew where she should go. Basil's room. Kel tried to tell her something but her mind was somewhere else. When she stepped into the room she wished it was all a bad dream. She felt her body collapse. Blood… it was everywhere. She saw Polly trying to reach out to Basil when Hero was holding something. Something that looked like a lifeless body, almost all of it covered in blood.
Sunny… No, that couldn't have been. It was all in her mind. She finally found some peace, warmth, happiness and everything went to shambles. She didn't want to look at his body. He was completely limp, soulless, his face covered in blood so much that she barely recognized its features. The garden shears stuck out of his right eye… It looked terrifying.
She should've been there. She should've believed her guts and gone after him when she woke up. But she didn't. A couple of hours ago she promised herself to protect him, never leave him again and… she failed. She failed just like she did 4 years ago. She could've stopped everything from happening but she was too selfish, so focused on her own feelings that she forgot to think about the others. She wished that this happened to her, not to Sunny. But alas, she was standing there, in the middle of a red room looking at her 2 friends suffering and dying.
.
.
.
Suddenly, everything went completely dark.
—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------