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Buck takes his hand off his radio, his eyes never leaving Bobby’s through the glass.
“She’s coming,” he says.
He sees Bobby let out a sigh and nod, one corner of his mouth twitching in a smile for just a moment. “She’s gonna be pretty pissed.”
“Bobby - I. Please.” His voice is a wet rasp. Bobby’s image is starting to blur as his eyes fill.
“There was nothing you could’ve done, Buck. There was only one dose and two of us exposed.”
Buck knows that. Logically, he absolutely knows that. But it doesn’t make him want to rip off his mask and step into that horrible room with Bobby any less.
“Smart idea, calling Tommy.”
Buck jolts. Really? They’re going to talk about Tommy now?
“Um.” He sniffles. “I couldn’t think of a better way.”
Bobby smiles for real now, softly.
“That brain of yours, Buck. That big brain and still you’re so hard on yourself. That was the best way. I’m not sure I’d even have thought of it. Probably would’ve had us repel down the side like Mission Impossible or something.”
Reflexively, Buck shakes his head. “You always know the right thing to do.”
Please don’t leave me, he begs silently. Please don’t take him from me, he begs whoever is listening.
“Do me a favor though, okay, kid?”
“Anything.”
“Just don’t get back together with him just because of this.”
A slightly hysterical sound bursts out his chest.
“What? How are you even thinking about that right now?” he demands.
“Don’t have a lot more time to give you fatherly advice,” he says with a forced, casual shrug.
On a gasp, Buck feels himself double over, bracing his hands on his knees. Wet, wheezing breaths struggle to get through to his lungs.
“Buck. Buck, come here, over here. I’m right here. Come on, kid. Come to me.”
Buck staggers toward the glass and Bobby’s voice. He sees Bobby’s hand pressed to the glass and shakily drags his own to meet it.
“There you go. Now look, we don’t have a lot of time. Athena’s gonna be here in any second and, no offense, kid, I love you but I would prefer to let her be the last thing I see in this life. So I really need you to hear me right now.”
Helpless to the tears, Buck presses his masked face to the glass. “Okay, Cap.”
Bobby’s eyes are so close. They’re filled with tears to match his own but still so calm and there’s a shaky smile on his face as he looks at Buck. “You’re so strong, Buck. And so smart. And you know how to love people more and better than anyone I’ve ever met. It saved my life. I wasn’t ready to live again, but it saved me all the same. You did that. You and that big, ridiculous heart of yours.”
God, the universe, whoever, please, I’m begging. I’ll do anything, just don’t take him.
“But sometimes you let that big brain of yours get in the way, and you try and make yourself into things for other people because you think you’re too much. But you’re not. You’re exactly right and they’re the ones who aren’t enough. The right people will always love you exactly as you are. Tommy’s a good guy, I know you know that, but you weren’t always you when you were with him and the minute you were, he wasn’t enough for you. And I know you’re going to hurt and you’re going to need someone as much as everyone’s going to need you and comfortable habits are easy to fall into, but you deserve more and better than a comfortable habit. You deserve to feel lit up from the inside. You deserve to be seen and cherished for every bit of you. There’s so much of you, Buck. So many wonderful parts and I know you feel like it’s a tall order, but it’s not. They’re out there. They’re waiting. Hell, kid, I did half the legwork for you.”
Confused, god, he’s so confused. It must show on what Bobby can see of his face. He smiles again and tips his head. “I told you, you needed a partner, Buck. And I found him for you.”
Everything stops. Sound, motion, breathing. It all just. Stops.
“I’ll admit, I’m pretty mad I won’t get to see you two figure it out one of these days. I never planned to push, so we’ll just call this a helpful nudge. I think it’s my prerogative.”
“Bobby.”
“I know it’s a mess right now. But I have faith in the two of you. Watching you two has been one of the great privileges of my life, even when I wanted to knock your heads together. It may not be the right time now. But I trust you’ll know when it is. When you need to fight for it. Never settle for less than you deserve, Buck. Promise me.”
Buck is shaking. He wants to deny it, as he’s gotten so in the habit of the last few weeks. But this is Bobby. There’s no one he trusts more. Bobby gives him a knowing look. “Promise me, Buck.”
“I promise. Cap. Bobby.” He struggles over the words he’s spent so long swallowing down. Afraid to cross a line out loud that he sprinted over years ago in his mind. But they’re out of time and he won’t leave this room without saying it. “I love you, too.”
Bobby’s smile is real now. Real and horrible and wonderful and the most devastating thing that Buck thinks will ever happen to him.
“I know, kid. Thank you.” He starts to cough and Buck’s heart seizes. No, no. Not now, just a little longer. Bobby drifts away from the glass to a turned over shelf. “Just gonna sit a minute, okay, little hard to breathe.” He sits and clasps his hands, but his eyes look past him, looking toward the door, waiting.
Buck hears it open behind him and on instinct moves to meet her. Even in the bulky blue of a hazmat suit, she’s a queen. A warrior. Her eyes are frantic and he can only reach out a hand, gesture toward where Bobby is. She meets his eyes, confused, afraid. He can’t make himself say it, but his face must do the work for him and a moment later she’s rushing towards the glass.
He stays farther back, but can still see as Bobby gets up again and moves to meet her. He should leave, he thinks, but what if something happens? What if Athena tries to do something crazy? What if he needs to get her out of the room? There’s too many ‘what if’s’ and no one to tell him what to do next. So he stands and he waits. And watches and listens.
Listens to Bobby explain about the hole in the line to his oxygen. Buck didn’t even think to ask how. Bobby has been dying all day and didn’t tell anyone. His niece and unborn nephew will have a father and his sister will have a husband because Bobby decided to save Chim over himself. He can’t begin to know how Chimney is going to live with that.
Athena shouts at him to get a medical team, he nods reflexively, starts to move when Bobby tells her no and he stops again.
Bobby looks at him again. “Buck,” he says calmly. “Don’t send anyone else down here. And I need you leave. I want some time alone with my wife.”
This is it. The moment he knew was coming. This is his last look at the man who has been his father for the last 8 and a half years still breathing. And he can barely feel his legs. Bobby gives him a bolstering nod and somehow he finds himself nodding back and slowly turning away towards the door. As he pulls it shut he forces himself to look back once more, but Bobby has returned all of his attention to Athena.
From there, he stumbles out of the lab and keeps walking, walking all the way back to the long hallway, where it’s safe to breathe again, and rips off his helmet and mask, letting them drop to the floor as air floods his lungs. But it’s too much, too fast and he starts to gasp and stumbles into the wall.
And finally, finally, Buck breaks.
He’s not sure how long he spends on the floor of that hallway, but eventually he feels a hand on his shoulder and another on his face.
“Evan. Evan, you have to get up,” the voice is gentle, familiar. The touch is soft but firm. Strong. He knows these hands. Still, he weakly shakes his head in the negative.
“I know, I know it feels impossible, but you have to, honey. You have to get up now. Chim and Hen need you. Ravi needs you.”
‘They’re going to need you.’
It’s Bobby’s voice in his head that drags Buck back to the surface with a gasp. Tommy’s face becomes clearer and he reaches up with shaking hands. Tommy does most of the lifting and Buck would be lying if he said that wasn’t something he was always secretly thrilled by. But they get him on his feet and with an arm wrapped around his waist, Tommy guides him to the medical tent that’s been set up to see Hen being checked over and Chim in a plastic lined cage. They’ve clearly both been told.
Hen reaches for him and he stumbles away from Tommy toward her. She sobs into his chest and he can only hold on.
Someone from the army steps into the room. “We’ve arranged transport to Cedars-Sinai for you all to be looked over more thoroughly. It’s waiting outside when you’re ready.”
Is there any ‘ready’ for this? But something in Buck’s mind grasps tightly for the task. He needs Chim and Hen to get to the hospital. He needs them to be thoroughly checked and given 100% clean bills of health as soon as possible. He might go insane otherwise. So he herds them gently towards the ambulances. Karen is waiting nearby and climbs in with Hen but tosses her keys to Tommy on the way and he drives the rest behind.
When they arrive, teams are waiting, especially for Chim, who is whisked away to an area specially set up for him and Hen is taken away moments later to be examined, Karen with her, and he, Ravi and Tommy are left in the waiting area. It’s the middle of the night and the space designated for them is empty.
“Buck?” He turns his head to see a heartbroken Ravi looking at him. On instinct he reaches out and pulls the younger man into his arms, he feels him sniffle into Buck’s coat and brings a hand up to cradle Ravi’s head. He’s not sure why he can’t speak. Has he spoken at all since he left that room? Left Bobby?
Eventually Ravi pulls away and stumbles to a chair that he drops into, exhausted. Buck stays standing. A hand on his shoulder makes him jolt.
“Hey,” Tommy says softly. “Just me. Let’s get you cleaned up and out of your gear, okay?”
Buck lets himself be led. He lets Tommy gently clean the sweat and tears off his face and strip him from his turnout gear until he’s back down to his regular clothes. He feels Tommy gently cup his face. “There he is, hey, gorgeous.”
Something is wrong. He wants to look at Tommy, wants to reassure the worry he hears in his voice. Wants to respond to the gently prod for some kind of reaction. But he can’t make his eyes move, or his hands or feet, or head, or…anything. He feels like he’s floating. Like he’ll just float away. He hears a wheeze, loud and echo-y in the bathroom, and suddenly Tommy’s voice is underwater, but that doesn’t make sense. Tommy’s touching him, he’s sure of it, but he can’t actually feel it. And the wheezing get louder and louder but thinner and less frequent. Tommy’s shouting now but he still can’t hear it and the door to the bathroom flies open just as the lights in the room get so bright as to be blinding and like a puppet whose strings have been cut, Buck feels himself falling and then the lights go out.
Sound returns first, but the words don’t register. Voices do. Tommy and Ravi, talking quietly. The tone is worried. Touch comes next, he feels hands wrapped around one of his and flexes gently. The talking stops abruptly and then he hears his name.
“Evan? Evan, come on now. Open your eyes. You’re okay.”
He blinks and the room swims into focus. Tommy is standing, leaning over him, a hand on his cheek. Ravi is on the other side of the bed looking frightened. His brow furrows.
“You had a panic attack,” Ravi says gently. “And then you passed out.”
That explains the hospital bed, then. He’s still feeling a bit floaty so standing is probably not an option.
“They gave you a mild sedative, you gave us all a scare there, honey.”
His eyes rolls and his eyes fix, at last, on Tommy’s face. It’s a good face, he thinks. He likes it a lot. Even when it’s smiling at him so sadly. A part of him, bigger than he’d like to admit, wants to pull that face closer, kiss it, and be kissed and touched until every other thought is driven from his head. Wants to beg Tommy to make it stop. A different Buck might’ve. Would’ve, definitely. But not the Buck he is now. Not the one who walked out a room a few minutes, hours, days, weeks ago?
Time is funny when you aren’t sure you have a heart anymore.
No, the Buck he is now can still hear Bobby. Can still hear him telling him not to settle. And in that moment there’s only one thing Buck needs.
“Eddie.”