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I could be drawing right now.
I could… No, should be drawing right now.
Those words have been echoing through his head and running through his nerves for the past few hours. Kaveh had picked up this book in order to try and relax, but the uncomfortable simmering in the pit of his stomach made it increasingly harder to actually pay attention to the story. He glanced over to his desk, the pencil and the sketchbook opened to a blank page.
I should be working, or at the very least drawing…
The instant gratification-part of Kaveh’s brain told him to just keep reading. Eventually, that guilty, uneasy feeling in his stomach would go away as he lost himself in the story, he told himself. He deserved to relax every once in a while. It wasn’t easy for him to take a break, so he deserved this rest, damn it.
…
Then again, he wanted to draw. It wasn’t just his work, it was his hobby too, one he still very much enjoyed. He wanted to and yet… He couldn’t bring himself to. His desk felt like a mile away instead of a few steps, and even if he got there, he wouldn’t know what to draw. The very idea of actively creating something right now instead of just passively reading made his brain go fuzzy. So Kaveh simply focused on his book again.
Minutes passed, and while Kaveh’s gaze slid over the words, he wasn’t retaining any of the information. That self-imposed pressure of feeling he should be productive, or at least active, right now was making it impossible to focus. He started to wonder if maybe just picking up a pencil and just giving it a shot would clear up his creative slump. Kaveh sighed deeply, snapped his book closed and shuffled to his desk.
As soon as Kaveh sat down and reached for his pencil, he felt the brain fog coming on once again. Any semblance of ideas on what to draw was dulled. He rhythmically tapped the blank page with the back of his pencil. It always seemed like whenever he wasn’t able to sit down and sketch, he had the best ideas. Of course, he didn’t write them down and then forgot… He placed his pencil back down again and sifted through his memory of the past few days to try and find something to work with. He came up with a few bits and pieces, but nothing concrete enough to set pen to paper…
Kaveh rubbed the bridge of his nose. He’s faced art block before, as all artists do, but it didn’t make him feel any less awful. It was like there was a black hole in his stomach, sucking out all his motivation and creativity and leaving an empty feeling in its place. He hated his lack of inspiration. He hated himself for not being able to bring himself to do something he loved… Anxiety gnawed at his nerves. He felt guilty that he wasn’t doing anything, despite not having an upcoming deadline. Still, he should be productive even when he doesn't have work. He wasn’t doing enough. He wasn’t enough. He…
A soft knock on the door interrupted his thoughts before they could continue to spiral.
“Uh… yes?”
The door opened and Alhaitham peeked around the corner. “Do you feel like cooking?” He asked, his voice sounding even more monotone than usual. Most people thought Alhaitham only had one facial expression, but Kaveh could tell he looked tired. He had no idea why though, since his job required little to no effort. He should probably ask him about it later. Nevertheless, it seemed he didn’t have the energy to prepare food. Cooking could be a distraction from his problem… but it involved Kaveh using his brain. So he shook his head.
“Thought so.” Alhaitham responded. “I’ll get take-out then. Do you want anything in particular?”
“No, do you?”
“No.”
Both of them let out a soft, tired sigh, almost in sync. Kaveh looked back at the empty page. Alhaitham briefly glanced out the door.
“I’ll just go to Lambad’s then.”
Kaveh simply hummed in response, but felt the other’s gaze on him.
“…What are you doing?” Alhaitham finally asked, after several more moments of witnessing Kaveh hypnotizing a piece of paper.
“Drawing.” Kaveh replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. As he gave Alhaitham a sideways glance, he saw him raise his eyebrow.
“Are you trying to develop the ability to project ideas from your head directly onto the paper? Because if you are, do teach me if you succeed. It would make my paperwork so much easier.” Alhaitham inquired sarcastically.
“Hah, so you can be even lazier at your job than you are now? Don’t make me laugh.” Kaveh scoffed. “Besides, that’s ridiculous.”
“Then I don’t think staring at your canvas is considered drawing.”
“Shut up, it’s part of the creative process!” Kaveh said quickly, maybe too quickly. “You wouldn’t get it.”
“Right.” Alhaitham said in resignation, clearly not having the energy to argue right now. “The usual?”
“Hey, it doesn’t happen that often!” Kaveh snapped defensively.
“I mean, the usual order. From Lambad’s.”
“Oh, we’re back to-…” Kaveh sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Yes, the usual.”
“Alright, I’ll be right back.”
Kaveh felt one more long, contemplative stare on him before Alhaitham closed the door, the muffled footsteps in the other room ticking down the moments until his departure. A small voice in the back of Kaveh’s mind told him to follow Alhaitham. Maybe taking a walk, being out and about and physically away from his sketchbook and desk would help clear that fog in his mind. Sure, it wasn’t a long or interesting walk, but it was probably better than sitting there and wallowing. The moment he heard keys jingling, Kaveh darted to his room’s door and called the other’s name.
Alhaitham stopped in his tracks, visibly tensing up in alarm. Right, Kaveh internally reprimanded himself. He had just burst through the door looking more panicky than intended. He relaxed a bit, gesturing that he was okay.
“I was just thinking… Can we eat there instead of getting take-out? I need to be away from this for a bit.” Kaveh vaguely pointed over his shoulder.
Alhaitham let out a pensive hum before giving him a nod.
—————
The walk there was quiet, but not the uncomfortable kind. Alhaitham looked and walked straight ahead, strictly focused on where he was going. Kaveh trailed behind, looking up at the colorful sky the setting sun created over Sumeru City. The swirling oranges, yellows and pinks made Kaveh want to take out his watercolors and paint a sunset right now. The very thought sent a rush of calm and relief through him. He knew it would take more than that to beat this art block, but it was a start.
Kaveh really let himself take in the scene. The painted sky dotted with pink and purple clouds, the warm light dappling the leaves of the Great Tree, the people chatting in the street or going about some late grocery shopping… There was a kind of cozy serenity to it, the kind of quiet contentment that came from slowing down and appreciating the little things in life. He had to snap out of it and remind himself to not stray too far from Alhaitham, but he did make a mental note to go on mental health break-walks more often. Although he wasn’t quite sure how often he’d actually do that…
Outside, it was pleasant and quiet, with only the sound of the wind rustling leaves and light chatter in the street. It made Lambad’s Tavern seem loud and bustling in comparison, even though it wasn’t unusually busy for the time of day. Kaveh noticed Alhaitham turn up the noise canceling on his earpieces the second they stepped through the door. He quickly caught up to Alhaitham and gestured to follow him, leading the way to the table he always sat at whenever worked out of the house. It was a little further away from the middle of the tavern where most people sat, so it was the perfect place to sit with lunch or a drink and sketch. Once Lambad jokingly called it Kaveh’s corner, and for some reason, he felt a strange sense of pride about that. Although Alhaitham didn’t show any signs of gratitude, he seemed relieved to be away from the worst of the hustle and bustle, which was enough to comfort Kaveh.
After their order was taken, Alhaitham clasped his hands together and gave Kaveh a serious look. “So, have you found some inspiration already?”
Of course…
“Yes, I have.”
At this point, Kaveh wasn’t at all surprised Alhaitham knew exactly what was bothering him. Most people could only stand one conversation with Alhaitham and immediately concluded he was emotionless, uncaring and socially unaware, when in reality it was the exact opposite. He was actually very observant, being able to accurately read people’s expression, posture and tone of voice and pick up on things others didn’t even notice. He simply only acted on these observations when he felt the need to. Whatever the criteria for that might be. Kaveh wasn’t even sure at this point. Every time he thought he had Alhaitham figured out, he does something seemingly illogical and out of character before incessantly explaining his overly complicated thinking process in a way that makes you feel stupid. Currently, he was wondering why the other had agreed to join him to a potentially crowded and overstimulating place without any complaint or argument. Alhaitham wasn’t one to give into peer pressure or do anything he didn’t want to, so perhaps he had some ulterior motive? Regardless, in hindsight Kaveh was starting to feel guilty about suggesting it in the first place, and concerned at what had gotten Alhaitham this drained.
Kaveh leaned back, trying his best to address this as nonchalantly as possible. “By the way, you were rather easily convinced to eat outside the house. Usually it takes more effort to get you out in public when it’s not necessary.”
Alhaitham gave him one of his all too familiar deadpan stares. “…You said you needed to be away from your desk. Did you expect me to outright refuse you?”
Kaveh scoffed. He was inclined to say yes, but he couldn’t recall a moment that Alhaitham had disregarded him when he was this out of it. “Well, no, but you could have offered an alternative.”
“Like?”
Kaveh looked away. “…Like… I could have gotten the food instead.”
Alhaitham kept looking at him. “Would you really have done that if I’d suggested that?”
“Yes!” Kaveh said, feeling mildly offended.
Alhaitham raised his eyebrow. “Somehow I have a hard time believing that.”
Kaveh groaned. “Look, that’s not the point. I was just trying to ask you if you were okay.”
“Then why didn’t you just say that?”
“Fine!” Kaveh sighed sharply. “Are you okay?”
Kaveh expected Alhaitham to have some sort of quip ready, deflecting back onto him without actually answering the question, something along the lines of ‘I’m doing better than you, by the looks of things.’, but that wasn’t the case. Instead he let out a weary sigh.
“Some Haravatat first-years pestered me today, saying their study advisor was ill and they were referred to me to critique the first draft of their paper due in a few days.” He explained.
That was… surprising. Usually Alhaitham stuck to his schedule and the tasks in his job description like glue, and outright refused to do anything he legally didn’t have to.
“What made you give them the time of day?”
“I was just going to dismiss them, as they were loud, annoying, and showed up 10 minutes before the end of my shift, but their thesis piqued my interest.”
Kaveh tilted his head, urging him to continue.
“I got an application from them a few weeks ago to borrow some literature from the archives.” Alhaitham explained. “The topic they chose hadn’t been touched in a while from what I know, so I re-read the material they asked for and approved their form. I was just going to wait until their paper was published, but I was mildly curious to see what they’d written so far.”
Kaveh raised his eyebrows, his own curiosity piqued. “And?”
“The angle they took for their research was intriguing, but it lacked depth and seemed a bit rushed, even for a first draft.” Alhaitham hummed thoughtfully. “It seemed they faced a similar struggle to you, procrastinating and waiting for some divine muse to grant them the ability to write exactly what they wanted overnight.”
Kaveh rolled his eyes. “Of course this whole thing had to circle back to me.”
“That wasn’t intentional. I was just making an observation.”
“Yeah yeah…” Kaveh grumbled. “Well, didn’t you have that in your first year? Needing to write such a huge paper with so many expectations attached that it seemed too daunting to even start?”
Alhaitham shrugged. “Not really.”
“…Sounds about right.” Kaveh admitted dryly.
“I do understand the sentiment, even though I don’t experience it. However…” Alhaitham paused. “I’m no artist by any means, but if you’re feeling uninspired and unmotivated, wouldn’t looking for inspiration be more logical than moping?”
“I wasn’t ‘moping’.” Kaveh said defensively. “And I told you before, the creative process is anything but logical. When faced with art block, different people do different things. Sometimes something works, sometimes it doesn’t, or sometimes you seem to get over it and fall back. It’s trial and error.”
“That doesn’t mean the process is devoid of logic. That’s why I’m thinking along with you.”
“Ugh, you-…”
He was about to make a snappy retort to the implication Alhaitham thought logically and Kaveh didn’t, but he cut himself off. Thinking along with him? Was Alhaitham… trying to help him..? But why? See, this is the thing! Every time he thought he fully understood the other, he did something Kaveh just couldn’t wrap his head around.
As his mind raced, trying to figure out Alhaitham’s reasoning, he realized he’d been staring at a loss for words for a few moments. Needing to break the silence, Kaveh sputtered out the first coherent thought that came to mind.
“…Thank you. Your thoughts are appreciated.”
Alhaitham raised his eyebrows in surprise at his sudden sincerity and cleared his throat. “No need to thank me.” He said, his voice sounding strangely softer and less pretentious than usual and quickly averting his gaze.
…Oh. Kaveh’s expression softened. Maybe the explanation was really simple this time.
He… cared.
Kaveh looked down at the table, unsure of what to say now.
Thank the Dendro Archon that the food came soon after that, cutting that awkward moment short before it could stretch on for too long. They ate their food in comfortable silence after that.
—————
“So, what are you going to do now?” Alhaitham asked as he set the two cups of hot water down on the counter.
Kaveh meanwhile grabbed the box of teabags and set it down too. “I’ll probably try to draw something for about 30 minutes, and if my fried brain can’t produce anything of value then, I’ll turn in.”
Alhaitham raised his eyebrows as he dipped the usual flavor in his cup. “Who are you and what have you done to Kaveh?”
“Haha…” Kaveh tried to sound unamused, but couldn’t suppress a fond smile. “Nothing’s happened to me. You’ll learn that the hard way when I have an epiphany at 3 AM again.”
“That’s what my soundproof earpieces are for.” Alhaitham removed the teabag and absently swirled the steaming liquid with a spoon as he walked towards his room.
“And…” Kaveh blurted out before he got too far away. He knew he might get a snarky comment or a smartass retort for this, but he felt compelled to say it anyways.
“Thanks.”
He wasn’t entirely sure what he was thanking Alhaitham for. Snapping him out of it? Agreeing to get out of the house together? Taking his problems seriously and trying to help? All three probably, and so much more. More, that he wasn’t sure how to express in any way other than that one word at that moment.
Alhaitham paused, once again only being able to hold eye contact for a moment before averting his gaze. “Like I said, no need to thank me.” That softness from before was back, but it seemed he wasn’t holding it back as much as last time. “Good luck.” He said, before disappearing into his room.
Kaveh stood by the counter, swirling his tea for way longer than necessary, trying to figure out if he just saw Alhaitham smile slightly or if he was imagining it. He nevertheless tried to imprint what he thought he saw in his memory as best he could, as he finally knew for sure what to draw. It seemed he’d found his muse after all.