Work Text:
A long time ago you asked me:
What does love even mean?
I'd always known 'love' was a lie,
But you'd asked, straight up naive.
And I couldn't believe you'd said that to me,
What with all that we'd seen.
You even had wonder in your eyes.
It struck me real deep.
And I scoffed and I told you,
Nothing, man. Love's not a real thing.
I was sincere but you looked up at me,
Is that really what you think?
Your expression wasn't readable,
And so I suddenly got defensive.
Uh. Yeah. That's what I think,
'Else I wouldn't'a fuckin' said it.
I was being an asshole;
It was the only thing I knew.
But you smiled in spite of it
And I just stared dumbly at you.
No, I know love is out there, you said.
I just wanted to see what you thought.
And I hate being tricked, you know,
So that really just pissed me off.
But I didn't say a word,
And your voice filled in the space.
It just really makes me sad
That you had to grow up in this place.
Yeah, well, you did too, I'd said softly
Because I didn't know what you'd meant.
And because you were so exhausting.
And because I was totally spent.
We just left it there at that,
Didn't say another thing.
I was deciding if that deep conversation
Should be a one-time-only kind of thing.
I was thinking and I was scared
As we laid there on your bed,
And that stupid, stupid word "love"
Just wouldn't get out of my head.
I wondered: Do I love you?
Well what does love even mean?
What if I do love you?
Would you-- Do you even love me?
And right then I panicked,
I shut my eyes real tight.
I didn't know the answers,
But you there next to me seemed right.
I fell asleep after that,
And you did too, I know.
I found out that next morning
That the sunrise makes you glow.
Of course, I ran when I woke,
You were still sleeping when I left.
But the stubborn image of you in my head
Wouldn’t leave and it made me stressed.
I went about for weeks after
Realizing things I never knew
It was like you'd flipped a switch
And suddenly my brain was addicted to you
For example: Your favorite shirt was green,
And you hated your coffee black.
And you brushed your teeth before you ate,
Which I still think is totally whack.
And we went back and forth
Playing the game we knew so well.
Then shit happened, I got married,
And everything went to hell.
You couldn’t understand me,
And I had a kid on the way.
I couldn’t understand you,
And then I ended up coming out as gay.
At first I couldn’t believe it,
It had to be the worst mistake I ever made.
The look on your face changed my mind
But I was still so afraid.
Then we found out you were bipolar.
And you hated those fucking meds.
I sometimes wanted to take them all
And swallow them myself instead.
I tried with everything I had to help you,
But I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.
You’d got depressed and changed so fast.
The future looked dark; I felt like puking.
Most days you wouldn’t get out of bed,
You told me to leave you alone and go away.
Then suddenly you’d get up to run a few miles,
And tell me that it was a beautiful day.
Then you took my kid and ran and I said,
I'm worried about you. I love you.
And that moment made me realize,
Fuck, I really do.
So I told you again later: I love you.
But something was off, I could tell.
I figured it was probably the meds,
But that didn’t stop me from wanting to yell.
And again you said to me,
What does that even mean?
And I spoke my heart that time,
Which was pretty much a first time thing.
It means we’re there for each other
In good times, bad,
Sickness, health,
All that shit , I said.
But you didn’t listen to me then.
You just pushed me right down.
I never realized how fragile I was
Until I fell and hit the ground.
I meant that I loved you when I said it,
But I didn’t ever realize it was a plea.
I guess the only thing I ever really wanted,
Was for you to say it back to me.