Chapter Text
“Hey, Ness, give up on soccer”.
Those were the words that Kaiser had told him, with a steadiness so unnatural that it bordered on disturbing – he was clearly about to break down, then why wasn’t he lashing out at him? Yell at me, insult me, hit me if you have to – just don’t look at me like that , Ness begged internally, because he could deal with Kaiser being angry, overwhelmed, human , but he couldn’t deal with him when his eyes were filled with an emptiness so intense that Ness couldn’t have imagined even if he had tried to. Long gone was the beautiful blue of the eyes that he had grown to always search for whenever he needed guidance, replaced by what resembled a black hole, although its effect was the opposite, since despite the fact that Ness was close, he was being pushed away instead of pulled in.
He, who had been his most cherished partner - for lack of better definition, as there was no other term that could describe what Ness and Kaiser were to each other - was now twisting the blade that were those words inside of his heart, cruelly, slowly. Speaking as if he were telling him the most natural thing in the world, as if he wasn’t crushing Ness beyond repair.
“Those without individualized talent are trash”, he had continued, and the worst thing was, Ness knew he was right. He knew that he couldn’t expect anything else from Kaiser, and that was still the philosophy that for some god forsaken reason had dominated the field up until then, but then why? Why had Kaiser bothered giving him hope while he was at his lowest, picking up the pieces of his heart, only to then demand that he quit the only source of magic that he had so desperately been clinging to? And what about their dream? Ness wanted to make Kaiser shine brighter than anyone else, he wanted to stick by his side for that sole purpose – but apparently, the wish to stay by his side was selfish enough to cancel out every ounce of selflessness that resided in the man. And now, he was being punished because of it. Because he had dared to dream, and the world always had to remind him of how stupid that was.
The tears quickly accumulating in his eyes had begun to blur his vision, betraying him, and just like that, Kaiser’s figure in front of him was morphing into his parents’. Those same eyes that had always shamed and neglected him simply because he wanted to believe in magic now stared back at him, throwing him away as soon as his longing for connections had become too much to handle. Would Ness seriously always be too much for everyone? Was he really bound to always be abandoned? What was even the point, then?
“Forget about me, Ness. Find yourself a new king,” he had added, and seriously, Ness both wanted to cry and to laugh, because did he think it would be this easy? Kaiser was not just anyone else, Kaiser was his everything . Why was it suddenly Ness’ fault for not being able to let go of anything they had shared in the past four years? Why was it always his fault for having feelings? What could he even do to be liked anymore? He had reduced himself to nothing just to accommodate him better, and even that had not been enough. Nothing would ever be enough.
“I thrive best in discomfort”. The words barely reached his ears, his mind far too gone into a spiral to be able to pay attention to anything around him anymore. If the ground beneath him had given out at that very moment, he doubted he would have even noticed. He had barely even made out what he had said, yet whatever words had come out of his mouth had felt like a dagger straight to his guts, and Ness wanted to puke, because, hell, why was this happening again? Why was he leaving him, and was he trying to justify this with some bullshit excuse like, that he couldn’t handle someone’s stability? After everything that they had been through together, that was the best he could come up with?
Kaiser’s steps felt heavy as he walked away, leaving Ness on his own, as if he hadn’t just made his heart shatter in pieces so sharp and fragmented that nobody would ever be able to build back together, since those pieces had permanently modeled to Kaiser’s needs and satisfaction. Now, there was nothing left for him.
Ness was nothing.
“Stop..”, Ness had breathed out, exhausted, a hand passing through his hair as he looked up at the ceiling. He was tired, tired of replaying those words in his mind like a broken record every night. Sometimes, he liked to think that his mind simply hated him that much, that it was shaping his memories and making it all more cruel just to spite him, that maybe, reality had been kinder than he remembered. But that was not the case. No matter how much he looked into it to find any trace of tenderness, of guilt, any sign that Kaiser cared, the result was always the same.
And what possibly broke him more, was that he was well aware that those weren’t words uttered unknowingly, because Kaiser had known Ness too well, which was why he had carefully crafted just the right ( worse ) words to completely destroy him.
It was during nights like this that Ness wondered where it had all gone wrong. Alongside those terrible moments, he remembered more tender ones - although those were the ones possibly hurt him more. He would remember Kaiser being way too perceptive than he should have, immediately pressing closer to Ness as soon as he sensed his anxiety and placing a hand on his knee. His thumb would rub at it with a gentleness that Ness deemed impossible from Kaiser, sometimes even wondering whether it had just been a mistake with the way Kaiser simply looked away or started scrolling through his phone. And despite the fact that it wouldn’t immediately soothe the dread that was overcoming him, it would be enough to ground Ness for the moment being.
He would remember Kaiser opening up about the meaning behind his tattoo, Ness’ eyes widening slightly as he continued to cut his hair. There was always a silent understanding between them, so the times in which they would actually willingly open up to each other were definitely rare, but very much always cherished. Ness had nodded, his eyes falling on the blue rose carved onto Kaiser’s shoulder from the reflection in the mirror. It looked absolutely perfect, just like Kaiser always did without even having to try.
It had made sense at the time, and even more so as he had learnt about the other’s past. There had been no huge declaration about the abuse that Kaiser had gone through, there was no need for that, but it was obvious in the way he acted and reacted to certain situations, or in the way, in the middle of the night during sleepovers, Kaiser would frown and grunt, his breathing growing more erratic as he yelped in his sleep, almost as if he was feeling so much pain as he relived his poor excuse of a father’s violence. Ness had been alarmed the first time, not exactly knowing how to react as he hadn’t even known, up until that moment, what Kaiser had faced, but the more frequently it happened, the better he began to understand what to do; letting Kaiser drape an arm over his waist, he would pull him closer, caressing his hair softly as he let the man rest his head against his chest. It was enough to not make him feel overwhelmed yet let him know that he was safe, and, little by little, the frequency of those nightmares had started to subside. And when they would wake up, tangled together, after those nights, they would never bring it up again.
Just like they would never bring up the silent glances, the lingering touches, or the kiss that they had shared, one time, after Ness had refused to leave Kaiser alone despite his attempts to distance himself. It would happen frequently, that Kaiser’s thoughts would get the best of him, working in tandem with his need to self-sabotage and lose even the few things that he had left. This would lead him to occasionally avoiding Ness out of the blue, getting extremely pissy and being intentionally cruel to him, eventually getting even angrier at the other man when he would stare up at him with those unfairly beautiful eyes, simply taking it all in yet refusing to leave his side. He had simply hummed that time, fighting back the tears as he had already understood what was happening. He had grabbed Kaiser’s wrist, the other simply letting him, and they had both simply taken a walk together, the cold breeze hitting their faces as night dawned upon the streets of Berlin. Ness had found a bench, dragging the other man with him as they both sat down. He had shared one of his earbuds with him, and they had both started listening to a song. Ness had begun to hum softly to the tune, smiling at Kaiser, although the other one’s stare remained blank.
The blonde had then looked at him better, his eyes focusing on the way the streetlight hit the other’s face perfectly, accentuating the soft grin that graced his features. He looked so beautiful, and Kaiser didn’t deserve him, nor his acceptance. He had done everything to push him away, to make himself look and sound like a monster so that he would walk away first, but Ness never did. Ness had promised he wouldn’t leave, and he was keeping his promise. Feeling more selfish than he could have ever accepted for himself, Kaiser had decided that there was a reason why he still had him despite everything, and slowly, wordlessly, he had inched closer and pressed their lips together.
Ness’ mind had gone blank, and for a moment, he hadn’t moved, thinking that his mind was simply tricking him. However, the warmth and softness of Kaiser’s lips told him otherwise, snapping him out of his trance. Inexperienced in that - or any - sort of intimacy, he had just shyly pressed his lips further against the other one’s, closing his eyes. Before he could start becoming self conscious and paranoid, Kaiser had interrupted the contact, looking into his eyes for a few moments before averting his gaze and beginning to tease him. Laughter and chatter had come naturally after that, and both their hearts had felt lighter.
He grunted as he recalled that last memory, closing his eyes as he pressed his forearm on forehead. He knew that wishing for that past to come back was useless, but nonetheless, Ness couldn’t stop himself from looking back at it and dreaming about all of it happening again. “Do you believe in the impossible?” , Kaiser had once asked, and yes, he really did.
The exhaustion of the day started to creep up on him, and after a few moments, his eyes closed, sleep finally came to him.
The next morning, Ness woke up with a yawn, stretching and grunting as he lazily made his way to the kitchen, making his coffee. He looked out of the window with a soft sigh; he had gathered enough money to move to Berlin and settle there, where he wouldn’t have to see his parents again - not that they would care enough to want to meet him - and, despite the constant movement of the city, he had started to accept the rhythm that his life was taking. He brought the mug to his lips, sipping on it as he mentally reviewed what he would have to do for the day. He decided he would take it easy, take a walk in the city center or something and then just relax at home. It was still foreign to him how he could have those slow, free days. They were actually his favorites, as he didn’t have to rush into anything.
As he walked to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out and read the preview of the message, a faint smile appearing on his face. Months later, after the intense matches against Blue Lock, something that he hadn’t expected at all had happened: Reo Mikage had reached out to him. At first, being a bit weirded out and still holding somewhat of a discomfort while thinking about the people connected to that facility, he would reply to his texts very dryly, but with time, he had warmed up to the other. He could see that Reo had nothing but good intentions, that he genuinely wanted to befriend him for some reason - maybe it was the way in which they could understand each other so easily because of the intensity of their emotions - so, at the end, he had given in, and they had started texting on a daily basis. Considering that Ness had yet to make a lot of friends in the new city where he was living, Reo was his only real friend for the time being. Nagi could be counted in, too, actually, considering how Reo and Nagi seemed to come together, almost as if they were a two-in-one deal. It made Ness smile, how despite the difficulties they had overcome, they had still ended up sticking to each other’s side. Their dynamic almost reminded them of his own with Kaiser, which hurt a lot, but he was genuinely happy for the two.
He opened their chat, and his smile went even wider as he was met with a picture of Reo and Nagi, the man with purple hair smiling happily while the other simply held up a peace sign. The camera was pointed so that, from where they were sitting across each other, there was a free spot in the middle. “Mornin’, decided to try out this new café. This table is for three, though. Care to join us?”, Reo had texted along with the picture, and Ness shook his head, though he continued to grin. His friend always had a way of making him feel included even though they were so far apart, and it made his heart go warm every time. It was in times like this that Ness regretted not spending more time with the both of them while he was in Japan, but relief came soon enough as he thought about the fact that they had promised to go visit him someday.
“Be there in five, lol” Ness had jokingly replied, a breathy chuckle escaping his lips. “Seriously though, have fun!” he had added, his text accompanied by a few heart emojis. He then turned off his phone and continued with his morning routine. He finally got dressed and grabbed his headphones, heading outside. The warm sunlight hit his face pleasantly, and he had to squeeze his eyes to get used to it at the beginning. Putting his hands in his pockets, he started to walk around. People were already hanging out together, some rushing into shops, some chattering in bars, like a typical Saturday. Getting lost in the music playing into his ears, he aimlessly started strolling around the big city, though making sure to always stay around the center so that he wouldn’t have to walk too much when returning back home.
He found a quiet spot where he ate lunch, enjoying the flavors and silently looking at the people around him, the atmosphere already getting lively. Ness was greatly influenced by other people’s emotions, so seeing everyone around him so happy definitely helped his good mood. After some time, he got up and left, resuming his quiet walk until he reached a park. He walked slowly at the beginning, gathering his surroundings with curious eyes - after all, it had only been a few weeks since he had moved into the capital city, so he had many places yet to explore.
Just when he was thinking of sitting down on a nearby bench, a sudden sense of fear overtook him, his eyes widening as he quickly looked around. He wasn’t sure what it had been, but for some reason, he had had the sensation that someone was staring at him. He tried to ignore it, considering how he would constantly have those types of micro-hallucinations and paranoia (someone calling his name even when he was alone, shadows in his peripheral vision), but he couldn’t understand why it was so hard for him to calm down. Maybe because, as he turned, he thought he had spotted some strands of blond hair fading into blue. No, surely it couldn’t be. Not here of all places, no. He was just tired, yeah. That was it.
Ness quickly decided it would be enough for that day, and started to head back to his apartment. As he got back inside, he locked the door behind himself, checking whether he had closed it well multiple times, before he changed into something more comfortable. Dinner soon came, and he quickly prepared something for himself before he sat down on the couch, putting on a movie. He wasn’t particularly focused on it, as he simply needed to have some background noise happening as he relaxed.
He didn’t register falling asleep on his couch, but eventually he woke up, his neck feeling sore from the uncomfortable position. As he stretched, he reached to grab his phone, checking the time. Just as his eyes fell onto the numbers on the screen, signaling it was past two in the morning, his phone started buzzing into his hand. Startled, he let his phone fall back onto the couch.
Incoming Call: Michael Kaiser.