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She didn’t know why she even let herself hope. She’d stared at the vial for over an hour now as if it would suddenly change when she wasn’t looking. A month after her heat, she did the test like always and nothing. A whole decade of nothing. She made sure was doing it right, having the feisty, redheaded healer Edith walk her through each step. And nothing.
Eris must have felt her distress.
The door opened to the bathing room and she looked in the mirror to see Eris slip in. His gaze met hers in the reflection, before dropping down to the vial of clear liquid on the countertop. She felt a pang of sadness in her chest as he shut the door slowly. He didn’t say a word; he came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. Scent of him had her dropping her walls.
“They said it would be easier.” She wiped at her eye, shame rolling through her for crying. “I don’t understand. Feyre and Elain have children.”
“It’s easier for them.” His arms pulled her tighter against his chest. “True mates conceive younglings at a higher rate.”
He said it so casually. Like a fact she should know. It burned her heart and her eyes.
“We are mates.” She replied back just as casually as she could muster. She met his gaze in the mirror again. She hated that he looked as sad as she felt.
“I am not your true mate, Nesta.”
Visions of the Battle with Hybern flashed in her mind. The male she tried to save, vivid. Just like his death. She shoved it away.
“He’s dead. You are my mate, my alpha. That counts for something, does it not?”
“Not in a matter such as this.” He rested his face against the top of her hair.
“It feels like I learn the rules and you change them on me.” She let herself rest back against him.
“I know it feels that way. We’ll keep trying, it will happen before you know it.”
She watched her expression change. The slight flash of pain she felt at the idea of waiting even longer. Of trying again and again only to fail. Eris squeezed her tight.
“Go see your sisters,” he said softly. “Some time in the Night Court might do you well.”
She met his gaze and knew what he left unspoken. She nodded. She would go. Whether it would do any good, she didn’t know.
Nesta had not been to the grave since they brought Nyx’s brother to meet him. There was nothing left after the war but the magic siphons in the dirt. She kept one in her jewelry box, attached to a necklace she used to wear day and night. The rest were placed in the statue that looked like him. She sobbed, the first time she saw it. It was Rhysand of all people who caught her as she fell to the ground. That was the only time they’d ever been close. Holding each other as they grieved.
It hurt when her true mate died. She didn’t know Cassian- had only just met him. But the loss of his presence left a hole in her heart she never truly filled. Eris was kind. But it was a political arrangement- one that thankfully worked in her favor. She pushed away her thoughts and placed the flowers down on the small slab. She then kneeled on the grass. It was spelled to stay green and lush even in the heat of summer and cold of winter.
“I don’t know why I’m here,” she muttered.
The wind seemed to respond, a gentle breeze caressing her skin and shifting her loose strands. It did that when she visited. She knew it wasn’t anything other than the breeze coming up the hill from the river. But in her heart she wished it was a sign.
“I told myself I would move on,” she said. She ran her hand over the plate at the base where his name was etched in gold. “The mother knows it’s been long enough. It was him, my husband, who suggested I visit the Court again.”
It felt wrong to call Eris her mate in front of this monument. Her eyes burned and she sighed.
“I’m angry with you.” She didn’t notice the air still around her. “I know we did not have time. You promised me in another life we would. But gods am I still mad at you.”
She blinked and tears fell down her cheeks. The cool breeze came and dried them.
“I want a family. Feyre and Elain both started their own within the last decade. Nyx is twelve now, his brother five. Elain’s children are barely two years apart. I didn’t understand it. They both said they fell pregnant after stopping the tea almost immediately. So easily it was comical. I said I didn’t know why fae pregnancies were rare. But I- now I know why. I am not so lucky. We’ve tried for just as long and nothing. My m- husband- he told me recently true mates conceive easier. I feel cursed.”
Her voice broke, more tears falling. “I know they said while you were alive you didn’t like him. But he loves me. He’s kind. Feyre and Elain both tease me that there's nothing he won’t give me. It was my decision to even try, and I feel like I’m the problem.” She sniffled, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. The wind blew a little harder, rustling the paper around the flowers. “He could have found his true mate by now and had his heirs instead of being shackled to me.”
A rumble startled her. In the distance, she could see dark rain clouds. She looked back up at the statue.
“I suppose I’ve asked for too much. The Mother gave me a husband- a mate, who takes care of me. A second chance. It’s silly to think I could have it all.” She laughed and wiped away the last of her tears. “Maybe if he didn’t love me the Mother would pity me- give me children to fill the void. Sometimes I wonder if it’s your doing, blocking me from the grave.”
It felt eerily still in that moment. So much that she wondered if Cassian was blocking the souls of her children from entering her womb. It was a terrible thing to think. She knew the truth. No children would want her as a mother.
“I wanted a child so badly.” She choked back a sob. “It’s so selfish of me. I would be a terrible mother. Who am I to hope differently?”
Another rumble in the distance. She sobbed quietly, wiping her eyes with her sleeves. She would need to leave soon, with a storm coming. The wind picked back up- gentle like it usually was despite the clouds. She cried until she couldn’t anymore. A few sniffles left her as she sat and tried to get herself together. She sat there until she heard footsteps over the breeze against the path. Eris approached her and stopped short of the grass.
“They said you were here.” His gaze ran over her face and he frowned. He never did like seeing her upset. “I can leave and wait for you, if you still need time.”
She shook her head. She went to stand and Eris stepped forward and offered his hand, helping her up. He was focused on the statue, studying it. He had a scowl. The same one he wore when he saw Azriel.
“Did you hate him?” Nesta asked.
Eris didn’t tear his gaze from the statue. “Truthfully I didn’t know him. Other than he ruined my first engagement.” His mouth ticked up in the corner slightly. “Saved me trouble honestly.”
Then he looked to Nesta. “He was your true mate. I am jealous of him for that. But to hate him would mean to hate part of you. There is nothing about you I could ever hate. Including the male you were destined to be with.”
Nesta blinked profusely again. “Even if we never have a family?”
“You have a family. You have your sisters. You have me. And you have an eternity to live. You forget that.” He must have seen the concern on her face. He took her hand and squeezed it. “I do not need you to bear children just for me to love you, you know that.” She did. It didn’t stop the ache in her heart for wanting her own. He pulled her hand up and kissed it gently. “Children come in their own time.”
“And if they never come?” She whispered.
A strong breeze rustled her skits, reminding her the storm was near. She looked up at her husband- her mate, whose amber gaze studied her softly.
“Then we will weather it together,” He replied.
Eris stayed back while Nesta walked up the hill. He did not question why she wanted to come here so soon. He only requested he join her when she was ready. Feyre said Rhysand was the same way when her children were born. Something about Alphas and their pups, though she despised that term. She stared up at Cassian’s statue for the first time with nothing but joy in her heart.
“She’s here,” she whispered. She wiped her eyes with her free hand like she had done at her father’s statue. “Took fifteen years, but she’s here.”
She shuffled the babe in her arms, pulling back the blanket that kept her clear of spring wind chill. Her sweet babe. So tiny still, with her little nose and pouty lips. Her hair, thick on her head, shifted in the breeze. It was red like Eris’s mother’s. Red like the siphons on Cassian’s statue gleaming in the sun. She squinted her blue eyes, cooing and shifting in Nesta’s hold.
“She's perfect,” Nesta whispered.
She didn’t dare say out loud that sometimes- much more rarely now, she wondered what her and Cassian’s children would have looked like. Would they have her hair and his eyes? His wings? Nesta shifted her hold to loosen more of the blanket. Hands free her babe rubbed her face and yawned.
“She’s not very talkative. She doesn’t cry much. I thought something was wrong with how quiet she is. Eris’s mother says she gets that from him.” She gently rocked her in her arms. “She does glare like me.”
Nesta stood in silence for a moment, looking up at the statue. She never thought her heart could be so full and feel so empty at the same time.
“I don’t have the right to ask this of you.” She whispered, blinking back more tears. “Wherever you may be, watch over her when I cannot. Protect her better than I did you.”
A gust ruffled Nesta’s skirts, throwing them forward against her legs. Her babe only giggled, the blanket also flapping in the wind. Instantly Eris was beside her, grabbing her shoulders.
“Steady,” he said, as if they would both blow away.
“I’m fine,” she shifted the babe to lay across her shoulder. “It was just a gust.”
She watched his jaw tighten and tried to not laugh. He didn’t remove his hand off of her, but did loosen his grip.
“I can take her,” he said, cutting his eyes to their daughter. “So you can have a moment.”
“No need.” She looked back up to Cassian’s face. The siphons glistened in the sun out of the corner of her eye, like they winked at her. “She’ll need to eat soon and I just bragged that she doesn’t cry often.”
The breeze calmed and washed over them like a gentle caress. Eris held her arm as they walked down to the pram. She laid her baby down, cooing at her and kissing her small hand. She could not explain why she felt lighter now. Her babe would be taken care of. She knew it in her soul. When she straightened up, she saw Eris walking back up the hill. She watched him stop at the foot of the statue, his hair blowing to the left in the breeze. She waited for him. He wasn’t there long, when he turned and saw her watching him, he winnowed to her.
”Apologies.” His face didn’t show a tell of what happened up there, but she could feel it. “Do you want me to push her?”
”No, I can do it.”
He frowned at her smirk but didn’t comment on it. They walked back to her sister’s house slowly. Whatever happened at that grave between Eris and Cassian was their business, but she liked to hope the outcome was the same. That her daughter had one more pair of eyes watching over her and keeping her safe.