Archive of Our Own

“We’ll split ways and reconvene tomorrow, okay?”

Teru looked at the sky, fingers bouncing against the hilt of his sword. If he had it his way, they wouldn’t split up at all. They wouldn’t stop trying to fix the present until it was all said and done, which meant remaining at the school.

Unfortunately, they weren’t even in agreement on if they would fix it or not. Teru was hoping that Yashiro’s bullheaded opinion was enough to sway Aoi.

His plan of splitting up didn’t give him much hope.

Kou and Number Four-- Mitsuba, Sousuke as Kou called him-- had already gone down the sidewalk, messing with each other with every step. Kou wasn’t yet aware of the change of the present, a fact that Teru was relieved for as he walked home. It left only Teru, Aoi, and Yashiro standing at the gates, trapped in a world that they didn’t recognize.

Teru was engaged to Akane. Kou was involved with exorcisms. The school mysteries were gone.

His mother…

Teru didn’t want to go home.

As much as he wanted to put his foot down and demand that they stay at the school to get to the bottom of this, he knew his friends needed rest. Above all else, Teru couldn’t possibly bear the idea of going home. If he did, he wasn't sure how he’d ever leave his house again. The world would draw him in, and he would have no choice but to lose everything all over again.

Yashiro was already walking off, biting at her nails anxiously as her fake smile faded. Aoi stared after her, a frown tugging at his lips.

“This is a pretty horrible situation, huh?” Teru asked with fake cheeriness.

“You can stop digging the knife in further, asshole,” Aoi scoffed, starting down the sidewalk. Teru had no choice but to follow. “I’m worried about her.”

“She’s been through a lot,” Teru said, his voice dropping with the genuine words. “She’ll be alright.”

Aoi’s frown stretched further. Teru wasn’t sure what he was doing, getting closer and closer to a house that he couldn’t bear going in. It was the same building as the one he went to everyday, but it wasn’t at all the same. Teru had faced countless monsters, he’d looked death in the eye multiple times, but he could not go into that house.

He couldn't face her. He decided that, even if he was sleeping on a park bench, he wouldn’t do it.

She was expecting it, though. She had to be. If everything was the same, then she would be just as doting as ever. Teru and Kou even had more of a life than they were ever able to in their world, so the slight lenience she did have when it came to him performing exorcisms would be even lesser. She’d expect him home, she’d make dinner, and she’d greet him with a smile. Teru couldn’t remember what it looked like.

If Teru slept on a park bench, there was no guarantee he could successfully lie about it, especially if this went on for longer. Kou would ask, too, and Teru didn’t want him to find out about their real world just yet.

Teru needed a good excuse.

He needed a solid place to go instead of home, one that came with reasoning for his family that no one would question. Instead, he would simply be acting like a normal teenager.

“I don’t know what to expect when I get home,” Aoi murmured abruptly.

Teru looked at him, breaking out of his thoughts as his eyebrows went up. He and Aoi didn’t do emotions. Only as of late had Teru slinked onto the ground and complained about his life. He’d seen Aoi’s tears after the Severance, and Aoi saw him sulking in his room. They didn’t do emotions.

Apparently, they did. Teru wasn’t sure what that meant, considering that all of his relationships were meant to be superficial; they were supposed to simply propel him further into his role as an exorcist. He wasn’t supposed to open up.

For a brief moment, it occurred to him that he didn’t technically have to lie about his newly formed plan.

He wasn't sure he was ready to open up on such a deep level, however. Complaining on the tatami mats at the shrine was one thing, a smile still plastered across his face. It would be too much to voice the reasons for why he wouldn’t go home.

“You’re still Akane-San’s neighbor, it appears.”

“Yeah, but instead she’s close with…” Aoi side eyed him. “You.”

“I’m a great best friend, I’m sure.”

Aoi barked out a laugh, “You’re not even her best friend. You’re her fake fiance, because both of you are the biggest fakers in the world, so of course you would be.”

Teru chuckled, the sound feeling hollow within him. He wouldn’t go home. He continued walking beside Aoi, the turn to his house passing by. It felt like it cast a shadow over the ground, his mother so painfully close. If she happened to go to the grocery store, she would pass him right now.

He kept walking. Aoi was distracted enough that he didn’t notice.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m sure our love goes deep.”

A hand landed on his chest, smacking him. Aoi had been much more subtle about his crush in the weeks since the events of the Severance, so much that Teru was wondering if it would persist, but he still fell for every joke. He was still possessive and jealous as all hell, and he probably always would be when it came to the people he cared about. Teru didn’t mind it, not really, even if it was excessive when it came to his supposedly romantic feelings for Akane.

“You’re such a prick. Where’s your turn?”

Teru plastered a smile on his face.

“Back there!”

Aoi blanched, turning around as he eyed the street that Teru walked along every single day. He was glad that, no matter how much more normal his life was in this world, he still carried his sword.

“I figured you could use the company, since you’re so nervous,” he smiled.

“I didn’t ask for that!” Aoi shouted. “I’m not nervous! That’s a misinterpretation!”

“A misinterpretation…”

“Shut up!”

Teru smiled in the way that he knew pissed Aoi off, continuing to walk beside him. They were officially too far past his house for him to pretend he was simply taking a long route. He could visualize Aoi and Akane’s apartment buildings, just around the corner.

A few beats of silence passed, in which Teru technically listened to Aoi’s rude demand.

“You’re not turning around.”

“Why would I?”

A scowl tugged at Aoi’s lips, but it was different from the previous anger. He wasn’t exploding, now; he was merely annoyed. It was all surface level, anyway, Teru knew-- for the most part. Aoi wouldn’t be walking with him at all if he truly hated him.

“You’re seriously following me home like a stray cat,” Aoi kicked a stray rock down the sidewalk.

Teru smiled, “I thought I already confirmed that.”

Aoi huffed, shaking his head. His apartment building was officially in view, Akane’s standing right beside it. Teru wasn’t sure if she would be home yet, considering the school festival had begun. It was already out of character for him and Aoi to be absent, he was sure, but he didn’t care. This world wouldn’t matter soon enough.

“It’s so weird.”

Teru abruptly turned to look at Aoi, curious about the sudden topic change. The irritation was gone, replaced with a dull fatigue at their entire situation. A few hours ago, they were at the festival, behaving like normal. Now they were in a world that looked so much like their own, yet was anything but.

“We walk down these streets everyday, but now they’re different?” He supplied.

“Yeah. Even though they look the exact same. It’s off putting.”

“And you really don’t want to fix it?”

Aoi looked at him, beginning to scowl before letting it go. They were having a serious conversation, apparently.

“Selfishly I do, sure, but I’m trying not to be so selfish lately. The clock keepers would take away my powers if I did that, and then it would happen again. They did this for the betterment of the world, no matter what you think. It feels futile to erase all of that.”

Teru could see Aoi and Akane’s windows up ahead, looming like a shadow. Did they ever talk through those windows, in this world?

“When were you ever selfish?”

It wasn’t the point of Aoi’s words, but it stuck with Teru all the same. The idea of Aoi being at all selfish was laughable. He helped everyone, no matter how it inconvenienced him. People were drawn to him, simply able to sense his selfless nature. Even from the start of this whole fiasco, he was determined to simply let it happen, not even having the urge to erase it all.

When he dared to look over, Aoi’s gaze was stuck on him. His nose was scrunched slightly and his eyes were narrowed.

It was unusual for Teru to compliment him, he supposed. He’d simply seen the blatant lie in his statement. Aoi was more selfless than their entire school combined, Teru would bet.

“I- you know I’ve been trying to relax about flirting with Ao-Chan since… everything.”

“Everything that now means nothing,” Teru gave a jolly smile before letting it go, sensing the tone of the conversation. “I know you have. You did a decent job. The unfortunate truth is that, if we leave things this way, that really won’t matter.”

Aoi swallowed as they came up to his building, the conversation suddenly dying. They silently went up the steps. His door felt like a threat, even though it was anything but. Aoi’s usually traveling parents could easily be right behind it, the doting people that any child would dream of. They had no idea. While Akane could reveal pieces about Teru’s life, she could no longer do the same for Aoi. It was the exact opposite of anything they would have ever expected.

Teru was thankful, though, that she did reveal things about his life. He could see that he was more involved socially and wasn’t as rigid of an exorcist, just as he could tell Kou was more of an exorcist. The cause of that change had simply been unclear.

He wasn’t sure how he would have reacted if he showed up to his house and found his mom greeting him with a smile, with absolutely no warning. There was a very large chance that he would have pulled a sword on her.

He wasn’t there, though. He would do everything in his power to avoid going there.

Aoi unlocked the door with the same set of keys he had in the real world. This Aoi was no clock keeper, but he was still the same person. Teru couldn’t say the same for the person he would become in three days if they didn’t fix this; he didn’t recognize that person, not at all.

“Hello,” Aoi called out, the word dragging.

Teru had never actually been to his apartment. He wasn’t enough of a person to have a real social life like that, not when he had to uphold his school duties and patrol at night and take care of Kou and Tiara.

No one responded. Aoi let out a deep breath. He suddenly knelt in the doorway, Teru nearly walking into him. He could only watch as Aoi fished around under the table beside the door, a small smile growing on his face when he found what he was looking for.

“They still travel. The key they leave for Ao-Chan’s mom is still under the table. I’m not supposed to know about it, but Ao-Chan let it slip ages ago.”

He bounced back onto his heels, officially reassured about his own home. Teru wondered if this would change his opinion of changing the world back-- or only reinforce the idea that they had to leave it the way it was.

“If she and I got engaged at seven, then you two still would have met as kids.”

Teru followed him further into the apartment. It was neat, no clutter or messes along any surfaces or the floor. There was a framed photo of Aoi as a child on the table in the hallway, clearly a staged photoshoot. There used to be a photo of Teru and Kou like that, propped up in their living room, but he had no idea where it disappeared off to after his mom died.

Aoi looked back to glare at him, “So you broke apart our friendship.”

“I would never do that,” Teru smiled.

Aoi scoffed, but they both knew they were discussing a past they knew nothing about. The teases were nothing more, and the subject dropped with ease. Aoi surveyed the living room, standing beside a couch as he looked around.

It was nice. Cozy and comfortable, even with generally absent parents. There was a sticky note addressed to Aoi on the kitchen counter; apparently he had pre-made meals in the fridge. His parents were busy people, but they still took care of him. It was endearing.

Aoi’s gaze locked onto the table that held the TV, brows furrowing at a shelf. There was a photo of him and his parents; he looked an awful lot like his mom.

“There’s supposed to be a photo of me and Ao-Chan there. And the blanket her mom gave us two years ago isn’t on the couch; that’s the one we’ve had since I was little.”

Teru looked at the pathetic, hole-filled thing. The Akanes’ made a real impact on Aoi’s life, Teru knew, but he’d never seen these little things. He merely saw the blatant confessions and the way they walked home together, talking about anything and nothing.

He debated making a comment about changing the world back, but he refrained. For now, he could leave it be. The sun had nearly set and they’d had an awfully long day.

A pair of brown eyes landed on him, “So, why are you here again?”

Teru turned to him with a grin, stiff and cold on his face, “I figured you could use some company!”

Aoi scowled, but beyond the irritation, his eyes narrowed. He could tell Teru was lying; of course he could. Teru could have made up a lie, one which he wouldn’t even hesitate to believe, but for some reason… he hadn’t. He was going to continue irritating him while forcing his presence upon him, and that was all Aoi would get.

Instead of arguing, Aoi huffed and turned toward the kitchen. He pulled two tupperware containers out of the fridge.

At least he wasn’t throwing Teru out, then.

He was in the midst of realizing that it was awkward to keep standing in the living room when his phone rang, screaming noise into the quiet space. Aoi cursed from the kitchen, grumbling something Teru couldn’t hear.

His heart froze within his chest.

Teru slowly pulled his phone out of his pocket, limbs feeling like sludge. He didn’t want to know who was calling him. He didn’t-

It was Kou. It wasn’t his mom. His lungs functioned again. He fell onto the couch, his back to Aoi, and picked it up.

“Nii-Chan! I didn’t think you’d answer.”

Relief filled Teru at his brother’s voice, some of the tension seeping out of his body.

“Why wouldn’t I answer?” His smile was less stony, now.

In the background of the call, he heard a laugh. It took him a moment to trace it back to Number Three-- Sousuke. Half of the tension returned.

“Oh, uh, I dunno. Mom wants to know when you’ll be home for dinner?”

Teru’s mouth dried. The microwave beeped behind him, reassuring him that Aoi was distracted.

Their mom wanted to know when he would be home.

This was Kou, telling him that his mom had a request.

Kou, having a mom.

Somehow, it was more crushing than any other aspect combined. Teru wanted to throw his phone at the idea of his mom wondering after him, his heart squeezing small and painfully. No adult ever worried about him. No adult ever asked his whereabouts unless it was related to a supernatural that needed to be exorcised-- especially not because they cared about him. He lost his mom, and he lost that.

Yet, there she was.

Even more devastating, however, was that it was Kou relaying the message. He said it like it was the normalest thing in the world-- as if he wasn’t the only person who really worried about Teru at all. He couldn’t remember their world, so to him, this was normal. He had a mom. His mom was alive, and his life was better for it.

“Nii-Chan?”

Teru blinked. This world was temporary. Their mom was alive, but she could just as easily die again. The clock keepers could change all of this again, and they could be none the wiser. No, Teru would rather live in his miserable world than fear losing everything for the rest of time.

“Is it okay if I stay out tonight?”

Teru wasn’t used to having to ask permission. He hoped that his voice didn’t sound as hollow as it felt.

“Oh, wait, where?”

“Aoi’s. We have lots of work to do considering the festival.”

Behind him, in the kitchen, he heard a whispered, “Bullshit.”

Teru continued staring at the spot where a photo of Aoi and Akane supposedly should have been. Once they got back, he wanted to see it; he was curious.

“You have been with Aoi-Senpai a lot lately… I’ll tell mom, I’m sure she’ll be okay with it. She’ll want to hear about the festival, though.”

It was another blow, sitting heavy on his chest like a meteor that landed wrong. Teru felt his unnecessary smile tighten, his breaths deep and far apart.

He ignored the comment about Aoi, even if it was relevant for his world, too. Teru wasn’t a person who could think about that sort of thing.

“I’ll talk to her soon,” he said through gritted teeth. “Tell her I’m sorry.”

It took everything in him to keep his voice from cracking. Aoi’s assumption would be that he was talking about Tiara, he was sure. If he asked, it was an easy enough excuse.

“I will, but I’m sure it’s fine. I’ll talk to you later!”

“Okay, bye Kou.”

“Bye!”

He’d never been so relieved to end a phone call. For all he knew, Kou was at home, with their mom right around the corner. Teru looked at his call list, the lump on his chest growing as he saw recent calls he’d made with mom.

“You’re seriously ridiculous,” Aoi said.

Teru reigned in the nausea that was far too close for comfort. He shoved it all down, along with the memory of his mom. He didn’t want to see her, didn’t want to hear about her, didn’t want to know that she was wondering when he’d be home.

He didn’t get that, because his mom died when he was eleven, and that was the cruel truth of his life. There was no do-over, and this very real world wasn’t going to convince him otherwise. This was not Teru’s life.

He didn’t want to see his mom. He would do everything he could to avoid seeing his mom, which currently meant irritating Aoi and forcing his way into sleeping on his couch.

“I don’t see how showing brotherly love is ridiculous at all.”

Teru stood, inhaling the smell of a delicious meal. Despite the misery on Aoi’s face, he’d prepared one for him, too. That was simply how they worked, after all. It had only become apparent in recent months; as much as they teased, they didn’t hesitate to do things for each other.

It was almost what Teru imagined having a friend was like.

The him of this world knew all about that, it appeared. He wondered if he and Aoi’s dynamic was different. Aoi wasn’t a clock keeper, after all; they had no reason to be hostile.

Or, maybe, they would always develop a dynamic like this. Teru wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter, seeing as they would leave this world behind soon enough.

The food was just as good as it smelled.

(He couldn’t help but think that he could’ve been eating his mom’s food at that moment, instead.)

Aoi seemed to accept that Teru wasn’t leaving, not yet. They ended up on the couch, homework set out in front of them as if they actually had any intent of doing it-- as if it would even matter. Their banter continued, but they were both exhausted. Well after the sun had gone down, Aoi sighed from where he was curled up. The raggedy blanket was pointedly left alone, and Teru didn’t think it was because it was filled with holes. He could only imagine how different his own house was.

Aoi rubbed at his eyes. In another world, their world, he would have just taken off his glasses. Teru had seen it enough times that he could practically envision the movement. He chuckled to himself, earning a side eye.

“Do you miss your glasses?”

In response, Aoi merely sighed. Teru couldn’t stop the small smile that grew on his face-- he rarely could around Aoi, even if he never noticed just how real it was.

“Are you ever leaving?”

“That’s quite a rude thing to ask someone.”

“Intruding in people’s homes is considered rude, too.”

Teru hummed, crossing his arms. He was still upright, shoes still on, a stranger in this house. He almost wished that he’d been here before, if only to see it before the world changed in ways he never thought it could.

For the umpteenth time, Aoi huffed. It was the sigh that meant he accepted Teru’s insistence.

Aoi stood, stretching his arms above his head. The contents of his backpack were still spread over the coffee table, but unlike the classrooms they were used to, there was no need to hurry and put it all away. Teru did so anyway, awkward in the new setting.

“If you’re seriously staying, I’ll give you some pajamas to borrow.”

“Oh,” Teru said, dumbly. “You don’t need to do that-”

“Don’t be stupid.”

Without another word, Aoi vanished down the hallway. Teru watched helplessly as he opened a door to the left, one which he hadn’t even noticed before. If he thought about the layout of the apartment, it lined up with the Akane family’s apartment, meaning it surely lined up with Akane’s window.

Teru was left sitting idly on the couch, twiddling his thumbs. He felt like a child, clueless in somebody else’s house.

This was just being social, though, wasn’t it? This was part of the experience that Teru heard so much about, the one which the him of this world apparently got. If his mom had survived, he wouldn’t be such a lifeless husk of a human-

A pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt landed in a heap on his lap. Aoi strode past, scratching his temple. It revealed that he felt just as awkward as Teru did. No matter how many strides they’d made in having a friendship in recent months, this was still entirely new territory. Aoi was one of the few people in the world who knew just how new it truly was to Teru.

“You can change in my room.”

Aoi’s hair was messed up, Teru’s delayed mind finally realizing that he was no longer in his uniform. He was in a school-logoed hoodie-- typical-- and sweatpants, comfortable in his own home, even in a world so unfamiliar. For this moment, things seemed normal. They didn’t have to save the world, Teru didn’t even have to patrol. He simply needed to will himself to walk to Aoi’s room.

He did exactly that with the same strength that he used to patrol the streets every night. It was odd, not brandishing his sword and yukata, but this wasn’t the night for it. All signs pointed to the idea that Teru didn’t patrol nightly in this world, so there was no expectation for it.

They didn’t exchange any words as Teru walked blindly into Aoi’s room, shutting the door behind him.

It was… exactly what he would have imagined.

There were several awards and diplomas displayed on the wall in a cluster, dating back to childhood. Teru was confident that there were missing photos of Aoi and Akane on the walls and desk. Sure enough, the desk faced a window, its curtains pulled tightly shut despite the light on across the way. He wondered just how much that hurt for Aoi to see.

It was characteristically neat, yet still lived in, unlike Teru’s room. His room was neat by virtue of him not having any belongings, whereas Aoi simply kept his belongings organized. There were books and stuffed animals and hoodies draped over furniture.

Teru stopped looking around and changed, leaving his clothes neatly folded in the corner of the room. The clothes fit decently enough, although Teru took a moment to stare at his arms. He expected to see the usual array of scars, meant to be hidden at every moment, but he was stunned into stillness.

He still had scars, but they were far and few between; nothing like the canvas that he neglected to look at whenever it was before him. It struck harder than he ever would have expected, one of the biggest details of his life that set him apart from his peers… simply changed; lesser, different, minimal. Something that could be looked past.

His life really was different.

He wanted it gone. He wanted his life back, scars and all.

He nearly walked back into the living room, hand already on the door handle, before deciding better of it. A small smile grew on his face as he opened the door, turning around and falling onto the neatly made bed. The blankets were soft.

Teru counted to two minutes before Aoi came in, his face twisted with disgust. It was an expression he was accustomed to.

“Thank you for the clothes and place to sleep.”

“I wasn’t giving you my bed!”

Teru smiled, head pillowed by his arms from where he laid face down. Without hesitation, Aoi walked over, lifting a pillow and whacking him with it. Something about it made Teru feel so painfully human.

(Would Aoi still have messed with him if he could see the scars that were supposed to outline his arms?)

He didn’t budge, smiling up at him. He was diagonal, taking up the entire twin bed, feet hanging off of the end because he refused to put his head on Aoi’s pillow. Something about that was too personal, too intimate.

He’d planned to give up the joke, but instead, it became a fight. Aoi stepped onto the bed, sitting at the head right beside Teru, cementing his rightful place.

“You prick!”

Teru didn’t move, his body blocking Aoi from stretching out at all. It was only a moment before two hands shoved at him, trying to push him onto the hardwood floor. Something like a laugh threatened to bubble out of Teru as he clung onto the mattress and made himself as heavy as possible.

“Would you really make a humble houseguest sleep on the couch?”

Teru pretended that hadn’t been his exact plan; this was more fun. It was almost enough to allow him to forget that his mom was at home and Kou didn’t remember their real world.

“If it’s you, yes!”

He shoved again with a note of finality, but Teru still didn’t budge. He’d been pushed to the edge of the mattress, no longer diagonal, but the bantering had cemented his resolve to stay put.

“So rude, Aoi.”

The mattress shifted as Aoi abandoned his goal of pushing Teru off the bed. He turned his head to face Aoi, the other ear pressed to the mattress. His legs had stretched out as if taking the space before Teru could reinhabit it, his arms crossed from where he leaned against the headboard.

A finger jammed into his rib, “You are too lanky and long. We don’t fit!”

Teru frowned, looking at the sweatpants that barely made it halfway down his calf, his feet still hanging off the bed. He made it work in his own twin sized bed, although usually, sleep was more of a necessity than a luxury for him. He was willing to bet it would be hours before he would fall asleep at all.

“If I’m lanky, then you’re short, and it balances out.”

“I’m average!”

Teru hummed noncommittally, earning another admittedly painful jab in his rib. The weight shifted again as Aoi leaned over, and moments later, the lamp shut off.

It was painfully awkward. Teru opted to do what he did best.

He elbowed Aoi in the ribs.

“Hey!”

“You’re taking up half the bed.”

There was another jab in his side.

“That’s how it works!”

Teru kicked Aoi’s ankle.

“Not anymore.”

Aoi kicked back, using both feet as he slumped down.

“You can’t steal someone’s bed and then say they’re taking up too much space!”

Teru turned onto his side, pushing at Aoi’s shoulder.

“Why not?”

Aoi abruptly sat up, lifting his pillow from under his head and putting it between them. It pushed both of them closer to the edge, the bed already painfully small without a surprisingly fluffy pillow between them.

“Stay away from me.”

Teru briefly saw Aoi’s hair in the darkness, as he really did turn away from him. The words were playful, although they were meant to end their fighting. He could have kept it going, but Teru knew when to stop-- even if Aoi would say otherwise.

Silence settled over the room, although Teru’s mind was nowhere near ready for sleep. He was used to getting about four hours a night, which meant he had a long way to go. He looked at the open doorway in the empty apartment, thinking back to his room at home again. He wondered what it looked like in this world, if he had belongings.

If he wasn’t patrolling but he couldn’t sleep, either, then Teru would make the best of his time; he began planning. He needed to find their strategy home, and there were a whole lot of elements that could be involved in that. He broke it down step by step, using the full breadth of supernatural knowledge he had.

His chest ached as he realized he needed to go home. He didn’t know what was relevant or not in this world, so he needed to consult the extensive library in his house. He wouldn’t go tonight, but if he went when Tiara went to daycare, there was a chance he would miss his mom. He had to. There was no other choice but to avoid her, he didn’t know how he would handle seeing her. There weren’t many things Teru simply couldn’t stand to do, not with his life, but this was too much.

He planned exactly which books he’d have to go for and where he’d find them. The faster he could get in and out, the better.

He was in the depths of his mind when he registered the slight inhale beside him. Enough time had passed that he’d presumed Aoi was asleep, but he supposed that with the circumstances he should have known better.

“You know I want our world back, too.”

The words were whispered, but they felt so loud in the darkness of the room. The pillow was still between their heads, Teru’s back to it. It didn’t feel like it separated them at all.

“I know,” he admitted.

He didn’t want to debate; that wasn’t why either of them were speaking. In the quiet of the night, in a room Teru had never seen in its proper state, they could simply share their feelings.

“I don’t want to lose her friendship.”

This time, the whisper was even quieter.

“I know,” Teru repeated. “I don’t know how to have it.”

A long beat of silence passed.

“You know more than you think.”

Teru didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t. He was still staring off by the time Aoi’s breathing evened out, the analog clock on the desk blinking in the darkness.

He woke up with morning breath and a knot in his shoulder. He’d slept on and off for a total of only a few hours, but he had a full plan for the morning and tackling the day. They’d have to get through some of the school day, unfortunately; it was an utter waste of time.

He was up and changed before Aoi’s alarm began blaring. If Teru took a moment to stare at him, sleeping on his back as he took up the space that Teru previously inhabited, that was his own business.

Teru waved at Aoi from his bedroom door as the alarm blared. His smile grew against his will as he watched brown eyes blearily blink open.

“Rise and shine!”

“You’ve got to be joking.”

Aoi grabbed his phone with a lazy, clumsy hand and stopped the alarm. Teru had to leave if he was going to get home in time for Tiara to go to daycare. It wasn’t a long walk, so his window would be small. Maybe his mom spent more time there than he ever did.

The thought was nauseating, even a day later. It would probably never get better. Teru wasn't going to let them stick around long enough to find out. His near sleepless night gave him plenty of time to put together his thoughts, and he now knew exactly how to make his pitch to the others on exactly why they needed to leave this world. He also theorized who he could get involved, considering that she likely had more supernatural knowledge in this world, anyway. The others would be more privy to changing things if they confided in Akane, after all.

Teru needed things to go back.

“I’ll see you at school, then!”

“You’re leaving? Where are you even going?”

Teru tapped his fingers against the hilt of his sword, propped on his hip. He had to get going.

“My house, of course.”

“What?”

Teru smiled as he turned on his heel and walked out of the apartment. The sweet morning air hit him, condensation drying up on the surfaces around him. No longer needing to put on a show, he increased his pace drastically. He had to admit to himself that it wasn’t all a show with Aoi, not anymore; he did truly enjoy his presence. As much as he’d forced his way into it, he was thankful that he let him stay in his apartment. He’d have known if he was crossing a line.

It saved him an encounter that he wasn’t sure he could come back from.

His house came into sight, the gate shining beneath the rising sun. If Kou accompanied their mom, he would have already left. Otherwise, there was a chance he was still getting ready. Teru wasn’t sure what to do with a teenage Kou who didn’t have to take care of their house on his own; he had no idea what he’d find. Maybe, he’d be so tired that he wouldn’t notice Teru.

He pulled out his key, finding a keychain he’d never seen before. It was a simple rubber dog, small and worn, but it clearly meant something to him. Teru didn’t think it was from Akane, and there was only one other person present in his life who wasn’t before.

He pretended that he’d never seen the stupid dog keychain that he never got to have.

Teru pushed the door open quietly, listening for the sounds of Tiara. His heart pounded so loud in his ears that he feared he wouldn’t be able to hear. He could see light cast up ahead from the lamp in the corner. The light bulb blew out years ago, neither him nor Kou ever putting in effort to replace it.

There was a hair tie on the table up ahead, an extra pair of sandals beside the door. Teru’s heart twisted, a lump coming into his throat. He trudged onward, deciding that the house must have been vacant of Tiara considering the silence.

He wanted to pull out his sword and defeat every agony around him, but this wasn’t a fightable monster. They needed to get back to their world, and that would be a horrifying task.

Teru walked forward with silent steps, well practiced from years of trying not to irritate his father. His chest ached and his heartbeat in his ears only increased, all of the horrible feelings that he was so good at squashing suddenly coming up to strangle him. Teru was no friend of grief, not when he shoved it on the floor and stomped all over it for years. He couldn’t acknowledge it then, and he couldn’t now.

He made it all the way to the study, hand on the doorknob, when there was a tap from the kitchen. Why didn’t he dare look in the kitchen? He’d strayed from it, unwilling to turn around, when he should have been checking all of his blindspots. It was what he’d been trained to do, he was better than that-

“There you are!”

Teru’s eyes stung the moment the voice reached his ears. Facing the door to the study, hand tightening on the doorknob, Teru furiously blinked back tears. He didn’t remember the last time he cried, and he certainly couldn't change that now. Nobody ever noticed if he looked off, he was too good at hiding it, but she would.

He willed himself to turn around, acting on autopilot. His eyes burned, but they were no longer threatening to overthrow.

It was his mom, alive and breathing. Her hair was pulled into a tangled ponytail and she was still in her pajamas. Her eyes were wide and awake, lips curved into a slight smile. She looked nothing like the blurry dreams he’d had, not even the minimal photos he never looked at.

She was alive.

He thought back to the time a stranger looked a little bit too much like her, the sight making him feel a strong tug toward the best home he’d ever known. He recalled each and every dream which she never truly appeared in, as he was always too busy running away or focusing on other things to see her. Teru remembered every time Kou climbed into his bed with hiccups and teary eyes, whispering things like I miss her that never failed to make Teru’s eyes burn.

This wasn’t that, it wasn’t any of that. It was the real thing, his mom right in front of him, clear as day. She was breathing, her chest rising and falling, a spatula in her hand like she’d never left.

Teru wanted to hug her. He wanted to hug her so, so bad.

He remained still, willing his lips to lift just a little. He never truly had the big, toothy smile that he showed to the rest of the world. If anyone would know that, it was his mom.

“Morning, mom.”

He couldn’t hear his voice, the entire world fuzzy. He wanted to hug her.

“What are you doing back here before school? Doesn’t the student council president have such big duties to perform for the festival? Speaking of, I think Tiara and I will… Honey, are you alright?”

They had to go back to the old world.

Teru couldn’t do this. He wanted to turn and run away, but the study was behind him, and they could never get back if he didn’t go in. For once, he wanted to be allowed to be a coward. He wanted to run away. He wanted to run right into his mother’s arms.

“Yeah, why? What are you and Tiara going to do?”

The only thing keeping him together was his hand on the door handle. He’d turned around, facing his mother as clear as the day she’d died, but he couldn't let go. He wouldn’t be able to go back.

Teru was suddenly hit with the image of his mother in her bed, sick and coughing the last time he ever saw her. She didn’t hear him speaking to her from the doorway, didn’t react as her body painstakingly shut down. His eyes burned again, but he willed the smile on his face to stay put.

His mom walked over, a frown tugging at her lips. It was with everything Teru had that he didn’t flinch back as she raised a hand to his forehead. It was warm. He remembered her doing the same thing as a child, something that he hadn’t had in so long. Kou felt his forehead, sometimes, a knack that he must have gotten from her.

He could smell her. He’d forgotten that she even had a smell, let alone what it was.

“You don’t feel warm. Are you alright? Did something happen?”

Teru shook his head, “I didn’t sleep well, but I’m fine. I want to do some research for class.”

His mom leaned back, an eyebrow going up as her lips lifted slightly. He’d seen the same face on Kou a dozen times before, although he never looked so confident.

“Research? During the school festival that you’ve been talking about for weeks?”

In this world, Teru talked about school to his mom. He bothered her with facts and stresses and nuances that only he and Aoi understood. It was so cruel that Teru almost wanted to throw everything aside to indulge, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. He’d never wanted to run so badly in his life, not even when he looked death in the eye with his sword in his hands.

Teru fumbled for an answer, but his mom’s smile grew even more.

“Is this something to do with that boy? You have been spending a lot more time with him.”

His ability to answer decayed with every passing moment. He was thankful that his mom found something to focus on other than his emotions, although the fact that she’d immediately seen through him was painful enough. He’d truly lost the one person who would always see through his mask.

“Boy? Aoi?”

Her smile grew, “That would be right, yes. I’m happy that you’ve been getting close.”

Teru couldn’t comprehend what was happening. He couldn’t do this.

“Uh, yeah, it’s, uh, nice. I do want to do research, though, since I couldn't last night.”

“Since you were so busy hanging out with Aoi, hm?”

Anything was better for his mom to focus on than his emotions, but this was simply baffling. Teru didn’t know how to handle any adult taking an interest in his life, especially not one with so much grief attached. He needed to get back to their world. He couldn’t handle being mothered, not by a mom he had to pretend wasn’t wrenching his heart out with every small knack that he’d forgotten.

Gods, he wanted to hug her.

“I guess,” Teru said with all of the awkwardness that he was never allowed to have. “Is Tiara already at daycare?”

His mom’s eyebrows furrowed, her smile dropping slightly.

“Daycare? Since when do we take her to daycare? Are you sure you’re okay?”

Oh.

So that’s what it was. Teru didn’t even think of it. He was so accustomed to his world, to the needs that their life provided, that he didn’t even stop to consider that Tiara wouldn’t need to go to daycare. She had someone who could watch her, just like Teru and Kou did. He was an absolute idiot, shame pouring down on him amidst the totally avoidable situation.

Teru raised his free hand to his forehead in order to hide the tears in his eyes, as if he was still waking up.

“I’m just really tired. School festival, you know?”

He moved his hand and met his mom’s brown eyes, eyes which he never thought he would look into again. He wasn’t supposed to. Teru felt weary all over, like he was seconds away from collapsing into absolute nothingness. Everyone needed him. They needed to get back, and he needed to help.

How many times had he wished for his mom, when the stars were too dim and his sword too heavy, emotions slipping out against his will?

“I do know. It’ll be over soon, and you’ve been so excited, so don’t overwork yourself, Teru. Let’s eat something before school.”

The usage of his name struck deep into his heart, deeper than any blade could ever go.

She turned to walk away, to leave, and Teru let go of the door handle. Alarms flared in his mind, but he didn’t care, not as he grabbed at his mom in a way he was so far above.

He was against her in seconds, holding onto her like a child, hugging his mom.

“Oh, honey.”

Teru squeezed his eyes shut and accepted the wetness that pressed against his eyelids. Two warm arms wrapped around him, fingers suddenly running through his hair.

It was different from any dream or wish he’d ever had.

Teru’s lungs filled as his throat closed with a sob, but he didn’t let it out. He couldn’t. She couldn’t even know he was crying. Gods, he was crying.

He’d missed his mom so much.

He had to get rid of all of this.

He pulled away abruptly, swiping at his eyes before she could see, plastering on a sleepy smile.

“Sorry. I just missed you.”

His voice didn’t crack due to nothing short of a miracle, but his mom’s eyebrows drew together all the same. She could see that something was wrong, something Teru couldn’t dare put into words.

“Don’t be sorry,” a warm hand pushed his bangs out of his eyes; he didn’t even notice them anymore. “You and your brother have both been off. Is there anything I can do?”

Kou was off.

Shit, Teru needed to talk to Kou. Somehow, against all odds, the gentle words brought back the man that he needed to be. They allowed him to shove his emotions deeper than he ever did, as if his mom wasn’t right in front of him. It let him put his hand back on the doorknob and push, giving him an exit.

“I’m alright, and I’m sure he is, too. I can talk to him.”

Teru began retreating into the study, still facing her, unable to look away from loving brown eyes. He was running. He was a coward, and he was running, and he couldn’t dare look back.

“You don't have to take it all on yourself, Teru. Remember that.”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t remember that, couldn't listen to it, not with the life he had to live. His mom wasn’t there to hold his hand, and she never would be again.

He took one last good look at her.

“I will. Thanks, mom.”

“Of course. Don’t forget breakfast!”

Teru smiled before turning around, tears running onto his cheeks as if they simply couldn’t be held back any longer. Teru left the door open, too afraid of being snuck up on if it suddenly opened, but he retreated to the far wall. He looked through tears at the bookshelves and grabbed the books he’d planned for. At least the study was no different.

He took his books and ran, despite school not starting for over an hour. They weighed down his backpack, but Teru had dealt with much worse.

He called out a goodbye to his mom before she’d even noticed he left the study, hearing the start of her own goodbye as he slammed the front door. Teru made it a block before he stopped running, wheezing into the morning air as his shaky hands pulled at his tie.

On the sidewalk, in a world that he didn’t recognize, Teru took one single minute to press his palms to his eyes. The image of his mother in her bed, eyes rolling back into her head despite being alive, wouldn’t leave his mind.

He was going to fix this.

There was nothing he could do except for get them home. He couldn’t live here, couldn’t do it, simply could not handle it. Teru shoved his emotions as far as they could go, well aware that they weren’t going to stay on the ground after an encounter like that.

That had been no supernatural, no force from his nightmare. It was his mom, alive as if miracles really did exist.

She said his name, she checked his temperature, and she reminded him to eat. It was all so painfully her. It was more than he could have ever remembered on his own, and losing it all over again felt like piercing his own sword through his chest. He wanted to go back and hug her again, to eat her cooking and let her dote on him.

Teru couldn't do that. He took heavy steps toward school, well aware that the clock was ticking to get things back to normal. People were depending on him.

He shoved everything that ever made him human, every aspect that only his mom, Kou, and maybe Aoi ever saw, and focused on the job. He was an exorcist, and that meant righting this wrong from the clock keepers.

Teru was an exorcist before he was a person, and he needed to act like it.

Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to fix this.

He skimmed the books, gleaning the information that he needed about this world. He made a plan involving the Red House in order to get to the bottom of what had been changed.

Teru would keep going, because there was no other choice.

When he sat in the diner with people that he could very well call friends, he revealed that his mother was alive, pretending that it was only to sway them to agree with him. He pretended he didn’t find some comfort in the way their eyes widened, understanding just how devastating that would be. He certainly didn’t meet Aoi’s wide gaze as he realized exactly why Teru refused to go home last night, his eyes softening with understanding.

As Teru looked up at a moldy ceiling, water encircling him as his little brother laid dead beneath the floor, it occurred to him that their mother had just lost a child, instead of the other way around.

He had to get back to their world.

Teru couldn’t exist any other way.