Chapter Text
Tyler still held his hand raised, even though students all around him were packing their stuff away. He wasn’t sure, if he saw his history teacher really roll his eyes at him. Probably not, he tried to calm himself down, as the familiar heat of shame and insecurity speed through his body. His hand started shaking, but he still held it up.
„Yes, Tyler?“ she called.
„Wasn’t Manson subjected to medical trials with LSD? Very questionable trails, with the ambition to use him as a puppet for the government?“ he said, trying to put a damper on his excitement and sound more or less uninterested. His teacher made a face.
„Well, that might be just a conspiracy theory“, she said dismissive. „But that’s a very good point nonetheless and will be part of our next lesson. How the media and conspiracy theories influence such events. I want you to read up on the theories and unanswered questions and what role the media had in the Manson-Case“, she told them and a collective groan went through the classroom. Tyler lowered his head under the accusing glances of his classmates.
„Well done Tyler, thanks a lot“, Nico rolled his eyes at him, but he didn’t seem to be in the mood, because he left it at that.
Nico had gone from one of his childhood friends, to someone that used to bully him relentlessly in middle school and the beginning of Highschool. But since last year he had stopped.
He still whispered awful stuff behind his back, Tyler knew that, but the outright bullying had stopped. Ever since Tyler and Josh had gotten together. Tyler wasn’t sure if this was, because Josh was so liked and respected by everyone or because Nico didn’t want to seem like a homophobic ass. At least he had that going for him.
Problem was, that the whispered words hurt Tyler even more than any hard shoulder shove did. He wasn’t very sensitiv to physical pain, but the emotional pain of even the thought of someone not liking him, hating him even, and shunning him for that reason hurt so much.
He was scared to death of being criticized and a lot of social situations came with that problem, that he tried to play his part.
Smile, ask questions, seem interested. He held back so much of himself. Stuffed it behind a mask of imitating his peers and drawing himself back into his own world. There he was in control. Nobody could reach him there, nobody could hurt him, even if they tried.
There were a few people he felt comfortable with in social interactions.
There was his Mom and his siblings, sometimes his Dad too, but it had changed since Tyler got older and had more problems in school.
Now all his Dad did, was to yell at him to get his shit together. There were his middle school friends Nick and Chris.
Tyler had been homeschooled by his Mom through elementary school and joined the Christian school his Dad was the headmaster off, finally at the age of 12.
It had been hard to make friends, but he had met Nick and Chris in the music club. Too bad, that only Chris was in his Class. Nick was in Mrs. Millers Class.
With Josh, since last year. Since Josh had moved here.
Tyler and Josh now were going steady for like seven months. Tyler liked talking to Josh. It was easy. Josh was warm and patient. He didn’t get mad, when Tyler stumbled over his words, or when he interrupted him mid sentence with somewhat seemingly completely unrelated. Josh always laughed and said he loved how Tyler’s mind worked. He said that was the reason, Tyler could write the kind of lyrics that brought a fucking shiver to your spine, tugged at you heart, covered your whole body in goosebumps and made you want to cry with how much you could relate. He said it was his mind that made him amazing.
Tyler hated his mind most of the time. It never seemed to shut up. Not that he was hearing voices. He was not that crazy, not yet anyway. But his thoughts where like a bunch of circus horses doped up to their ears. All tumbling over each other, reaching to be crazier than the one the left running behind. It was fucking exhausting.
Lately Tyler felt like walking through mud. Everything seemed heavy, incredibly hard to do. He had to kick himself in the butt for every little task. Convincing himself that he absolutely needed to brush his teeth sometimes was a battle that used up all his resources he needed for other tasks in the morning.
On days like that, showering wasn’t an option. And he had had a lot of days like this in the last two months.
Tyler thought he mid be a little bit depressed, but this wasn’t anything new to him. Since the very first day of entering the school system and being left to fend for himself with schedules, rules, other kids, rude behavior, confusing social roles and strict teachers left him at the brink of exhaustion every day. And then there was homework and his failure to understand math and other since. He was good with words and history and ethics, but that was about it.
He liked to learn and he loved to read, that somewhat saved him in school. And he joined the Basketball team. That put a damper on the bullying. He wasn’t really included, but he was not explicitly excluded anymore either.
He taught himself to play the guitar as well as the piano. His Dad actually agreed, to pay for piano lessons after Tyler demonstrated after last years Christmas mass on the piano at the church, what he already had learned to play, all by himself. He felt warm inside, when he saw a glimmer of pride sparkle inside his father’s eyes. The Christmas celebration afterwards had gone way smoother than he expected and the first time in years, he went to bed happy on Christmas Night.
This had been six months ago. Tyler now wanted to quit the piano lessons so badly.
Not because he didn’t enjoy them or he wasn’t seeing any progress, but because his Dad made them feel like an unbearable pressure.
Every Thursday he would ask at Dinner how the lessons went and sometimes he would force Tyler to get up and play.
He had bought Tyler a used piano from one of their churches community members. It was a simple instrument, but it sounded rich and the keys went smoothly. Tyler loved that old piano with all his heart just not, when his father forced him to play. Then he wanted to burn it down…
He would stumble over the keys, knowing he hit the wrong one, before the actual note sounded out loud. He would trap his foot under the pedestal and had to make an awkward pause, getting it free again. He would forget the notes to pieces he knew by heart. He had to work hard not to cry.
Sometimes, when he heard his Dads disappointment sigh, he wouldn’t succeed. He then stumbled up to his room and listened to his mother and siblings defend his musical abilities.
Sometimes he then indulged into his most hidden secret. He had been cutting, since he was 15. Since he realized, that something had to be wrong with him. Since the darkness and the emptiness and all the self doubt came flooding at him in waves.
Usually a few months everything went fine. Demanding and exhausting as always, but not particularly bad. But it just needed some minor incident. One wrong word or look from someone, a melody he couldn’t master in a few days, some lyrics that refused to go together, a test coming up or Josh being slightly disappointed at his decline to hang out and he would be pulled under. Suddenly just barely functioning. Just held together by the scary thought of someone finding out that he just was an imposter. Someone who only played the nice human being and got them all fooled. He was a demon. He was a failure. But he swore, he tried so hard to be what everyone wanted him to be.
Chris waited by the door, as Tyler haphazardly stuffed his books into his black, patched up backpack.
He had his hood up and held his head low. The bright lighting in the classroom would give him a motherfucking migraine again.
It was the same every Friday, he walk home with the pressure already building up behind his eyes. If he was lucky, he would be home in time to puke in the privacy of his own bathroom, if not, he would vomit in to another poor neighbors front yard. Tyler felt bad about that. He really liked all of his neighbors.
Last time he hadn’t made it home in time and he had vomited into the Masons front yard two houses down from his. He had felt so bad about it, he went to clean it off with a bucket full of water, as soon as he was able to stand again.
But today he had planned ahead. In case he couldn’t make it home before the migraine induced nausea started, he had brought some sick bags, he had taken last time they went on a plane.
„Hurry up man“, Chris chided, „Josh and Nick are waiting for us at lunch“, he reminded Tyler.
The other boy nodded and packed the last of his things faster, although the cafeteria was the last place Tyler wanted to be right now.
He couldn’t wait to see Josh, as he overslept this morning and therefore hadn’t seen his boyfriend before class, but the mere thought of all the students there, chatting and laughing and yelling and on top of that the tingly, high pitched clattering of cutlery grated at his nerves before even hearing it. And the smell would be especially bad today, as it was Friday and on Fridays fish was served. He nearly gaged, just thinking about it.
He knew himself enough by now, that he knew most likely he would go into his „bitch mode“. Where evil words spewed unbidden from his mouth, that had the tendency to pierce the people around him. Unfortunately the people closest in his physical proximity tended to be the people he was friends with and actually wanted to be close with.
He knew his foul moods could bring the whole clique down. But what could he do, when the noise brought an unscractable itch to his skin and the pressure to behave a certain way, such an untamable anger to his mind?
He needed something to distract him. Today was a bad day, but he couldn’t let his friends suffer from his bad moods anymore.
For gods sake, he made Jenna cry last week by being mean about the cheerleader outfit they finally had decided on. He had apologized and she had forgiven him, but he wouldn’t let it come to that again. So the bad coping mechanism it was.
„You can go ahead, I need the toilet real quick. I’ll come and find you, same spot as always“, he told Chris quickly and speed walked into the other direction.
Chris nodded and walked off alone.
At the bathroom stall, Tyler made sure he locked the door. Then he disinfected the toilet seat with some antibacterial wipes. He carefully sat down and took his backpack on his lap. He pulled out a metal box, that held two of his secrets. One and a half maybe, Josh knew that he smoked weed sometimes.
But he didn’t know, that now he smoked daily and since last month he even brought the vape to school, so he could take a couple of hits between classes. Or before lunch, especially before lunch. He had a bad conscience because of how often he used and that he left his boyfriend in the dark about that, but it helped to calm him down, helped him to concentrate and not to freak out, it helped, to hold his emotions in check. So that was that.
The second secret was different. He had no idea, what cutting actually gave him, why it helped. It didn’t get him high and it didn’t made him feel indifferent, like the weed did. But it seemed to be a distraction and in some weird way a form of expressing himself. Something he always failed to say with words. ‚This hurts! You are hurting me, be more careful, I am already broken or at least very fragile.‘
But this were his silent screams. Gashes in his skin, carefully hidden. Not even Josh knew.
When they made out, he put that sticky second skin tattoo foil over the cuts on his thigh. It didn’t feel exactly like skin, but it evened out the bumpy skin underneath. And Tyler was not ashamed to say, that he had learned some moves that redirected Josh’s attention to other parts of his body and make him forget all about Tyler’s left thigh. And they only ever had done it in pitch black darkness and Tyler excused this request with being not comfortable having sex with the lights on, coming from a very strict religious household.
He felt insecure enough being out and having a boyfriend, being proud was something he only started to discover.
It was a incredible feeling, that started to bloom in his chest, when he saw other not heterosexual couples out in the open, celebrating their love. He felt it, when he looked into Josh’s warm, brown eyes. He was proud of his love and happy, that the most wonderful human being was his boyfriend.
He needed to hurry or Josh would worry.
He quickly took a few puffs from the vape pen again, before he put it back and grabbed the small blade instead.
He closed the metal box and put his backpack down in front of the toilet. Then he placed the box on top of his backpack, so it wouldn’t come in contact with the dirty floor tiles. He sighed. He would have to properly clean the box at home. He couldn’t imagine, that his backpack was the most germ free place either.
He laid the open package with the antiseptic wipes next to the box. He stood and used one to clean the toilet again, one to clean the blade and his hands and one for the part of his skin he intended to cut and at last he wiped the blade again. It felt shameful to sit on the toilet seat of the dirty groundfloor school toilet, with his pants around his ankles. ‚Relax‘ he told himself, ‚if you had to take a piss, you would be even more exposed‘.
It still felt shameful. He made five shallow cuts. He wanted to go deeper, but he couldn’t risk that now. He needed to see the blood, he needed to see his own brokenness, no one else seemed to notice. He needed his pain visible, to proof to himself that it was real. He felt messed up, as he felt so satisfied at seeing his own blood. It was enough to feel in control of his pain. Enough control to bear that heavy mask of acting ok, acting like he was like any other seventeen year old kid. Was it this hard for everyone? Was he just too weak?
Someone came in and jerked Tyler out of his thoughts and into action. Routinely he cleaned himself up with some more antiseptic wipes, cleaned the blade and put it back into its protection case.
He gathered the insane amount of antiseptic wipes he had used and went to throw them in the trash, as he didn’t want them to clog up the toilet. He had a bad conscience as it was, by producing so much waste. He was no boomer, who did not believe in the dramatic climate change, for gods sake. He really should think about how to make his little habit a bit more environmental friendly. After he disposed the bloody wipes, he covered them with paper towels.
He used a few to dry his hands, he had washed carefully at the sink, but put a couple of dry ones on top, just for good measure.
He tested his smile at his reflection in the mirror. Dry, cracked lips lifted into a bright smile, that seemed slightly out of place, because his eyes had a somehow haunted expression to them.
Slightly disappointed he turned away from the mirror.
The other boy already had left the bathroom, without washing his hands, as far Tyler could tell. That reminded him, just how unsanitary this place was and he actually prayed, that he hadn’t gotten himself some disease by being stupid, weak and desperate enough to cut at a place like this. ‚Stop it with the self-hate’, he told himself. ‚It makes you spiral even faster and you don’t have any time to waste, or they get worried. You’ve been as careful as possible, you went at it as safe as possible, I’m actually proud of you’, again he forced a smile at his reflection in the mirror, to end his internal pep talk on a positive physical note, too.
He had read somewhere that you could force your body to release some happy hormones, just because you engage the facial muscles around your mouth. It doesn’t even have to be a real smile. But you are tricking yourself into feeling better. Tyler had yet to find out if this actually worked. The last two times he had tried to trick his body into releasing some extra dopamine it hadn’t worked very well and he ended up exhausted and fighting with his Dad.
His eyes were just faintly pink around the edges, he could get away with blaming allergies. Nick and Debby had them too and they been sneezing all week because of the hazel pollen flying like crazy. He smiled a little wider. ‚You clever little bastard‘, he thought to himself.
He practiced his fake smile all the way to the cafeteria, but it turned into a genuine one, once he spotted his boyfriend.
Josh’s pink hair stood out like a sore thumb, but Tyler was grateful, that he was easy to spot. He pulled his hood up and began to make his way over as fast as he could without stumbling or tripping, to the table his friends occupied. The had the table by the window, a little bit away from the food court. Tyler avoided getting anything to eat from the school’s menu.
Too often he couldn’t identify what was in the meals they were offering and then the few times he had let himself be pressured by someone to ‚just try it‘, he hadn’t liked the texture of the food. The vegetables were too slimy and the pasta was always undercooked.
He always brought his own lunch and even then he wasn’t always able to eat it, with all the distractions going on. It helped, that it was kind of a routine, always the same people, often the same food, the same things to talk about just in slight variations. It was comforting to him, safe, slow enough that he could adapt to the conversation going on around him. And it helped that Josh was there. Josh’s presence helped him to stay calm. For the most part anyway.
Josh had saved him a seat next to him and grabbed his hand with a smile, when Tyler sat down next to him.
„Hey Baby, there you are. If you had needed 30 seconds longer, I would have come look for you. Are you alright?“ his tone was light and not too worried, so Tyler tried to relax and forced himself to smile through his anxiety.
It would have been bad, if Josh had come to look for him. Josh couldn’t know, just how much Tyler was struggling right now. He would blame himself and Tyler couldn’t let that happen, over his dead body he wanted to cause his sunshine boy any pain or worry.
So he would hide his pain away, deep down, he would ignore it and work his way away from it. One day, if he just worked hard enough, he would find his place. A place, some work and a person he could be comfortable with, self assured and safe. Then he would feel relaxed and happy. But to get to this place, he had to put the work in, he got that, he wasn’t stupid. His Dad didn’t need to remind him everyday. He always was telling him, that he needed to stop daydreaming and wake the fuck up, he needed to be able to make money.
It was his own fault, that simply doing his homework sometimes felt like an undoable task. He just was a lazy fuck up.
That reminded him, that he needed to study for his biology exam next week. He tried to swallow his sudden nausea and leaned into Josh’s warm presence.
„I just remember, I have to study for that biology test coming up“, he said with a sigh.
Josh softly brushed some stray strands of dark hair out of Tyler’s brown eyes and chuckled lightly.
„I know, you’ve been telling me for three days now. We made plans to study together on Saturday. Remember? Do you want me to lock that into your phone?“ he offered.
He knew that Tyler had difficulties in keeping track of schedules, time and dates. And he never actually put the dates down into his phone calendar either. More than once he had been taken by surprise by someone calling and asking him, where he was.
So Josh now put all the dates down in Tyler’s phone himself. It had worked well so far and for the last two weeks Tyler hadn’t missed one appointment and even had made it on time for most of them. That was a new record of bringing a tiny bit of Organisation in Tyler’s chaotic life.
Without a second thought he handed his boyfriend his phone who unlocked it with the code he didn’t even have to ask for. There was nothing to hide on his phone. Well not nothing, sometimes he used the note app to hold on to some lyric lines he just thought of, ideas for new songs and melodies and sometimes his thoughts and feelings. Some was pretty heavy stuff and he preferred, if Josh would not read, what his heavydirtysoul spat onto paper. But he knew he wouldn’t have to worry about his boyfriend snooping around on his phone, Josh wasn’t like that. Tyler hadn’t dated anyone, that was so secure in a relationship as Josh was and it made Tyler feel safe too.
Josh gave him the phone back.
„I’ve logged church and family dinner at Sunday in too, as well as your tutoring lesson on Monday and piano on Thursday. I’ve put in Jen’s party next Friday too, but that means no pressure to go, alright? I just want you to remember that you are invited and could go, if you want too“, he explained.
Tyler nodded silently, just so grateful of the ways Josh figured out how to take care of him. He just hoped he could give back the same amount of awesomeness, care and love, that Josh showed him everyday.
He took his phone again with a mumbled thanks. Sometimes he felt ashamed that he seemed to be incapable of doing such easy things as to jot down his appointments and the things he had to do. But his Dads almost compulsive advice to lern how to use a calendar, when Tyler missed something again, had mounted up to so much anxiety, that Tyler even avoided to open the calendar app on his phone. But Josh having an eye on Tyler’s schedule helped a lot.
„Are you not hungry?“ Josh asked suddenly and Tyler looked down at his almost untouched lunchbox. He only had nibbled at a few apple slices and some snack pretzels. His stomach felt weirdly twisted. Tyler guessed that this meant he was probably anxious. He shook his head.
„Nervous I guess, I’ve math next“, he admitted and clicked the box shut.
Josh shook his head softly, „an empty stomach doesn’t help with anxiety Ty, it probably makes it worse“, he said, „at least let me get you some Twix. Deal?“
Tyler nodded and let his boyfriend pull him out of his seat with a huff, ending with a short shove to Josh shoulder in favor of a hug. Even if they were out, they still tried to keep their relationship low key at school. Tyler wasn’t great with hurtful comments. But there were hardly any. Not because of his sexuality anyways. From time to time, they liked to remind him, that he was still a fucking weirdo and not even Josh could protect him from secretly thinking the same about himself, since he could remember.
‚Fuck it‘, he thought and pressed his lips to his boyfriend’s mouth. For a moment Josh seemed surprised, but then he laughed at Tyler’s unusual boldness and hugged him tightly, while some people around them actually cheered for them. Tyler felt a little embarrassed, but looking at Josh beaming face felt so good.