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Chapter Text

“Would that be all?”

“Yes, Thank you Thomas.”

Vincent Gave Lawrence a warm smile, which he returned as he got up and stepped out of the room.

As Thomas was walking down the hall a strange realization dawned on him. He was leaving a meeting with the Holy Father- with Vincent 

(He had insisted on Thomas dropping the formalities and using his first name. “As long as you keep using mine.” Thomas told him with a smile.)

 and he felt good, for a change. He remembered leaving the Late Holy Father’s office, not only did it happen much less frequently, he always left exhausted, lost, defeated. He loved the late pope and considered him a dear friend, but there is no denying that man was complicated, and hard to talk to. Like he was playing 3D chess above your head and expected you to play along, even though you couldn’t even see the pieces.

Talking to Vincent had a very different effect. He could make you believe there really is a solution to every problem. Thomas wouldn’t say this lightly, but when he was with Vincent he truly felt closer to the Holy Spirit in a way he thought he never would feel again.

Thank you, Lord - He carried a silent prayer as he kept walking- For guiding us to Pope Innocent XIV. For guiding Vincent into my life.

These familiar halls had a different feeling about them. Warmer, he thought. His love for Vincent made the cold marble feel warm. Sometimes it felt blinding, radiating like the holy father was a star you couldn’t look at for too long, but even if you can’t look you can feel its power. He let that feeling wash over him, melting away any frost still left inside. 

He didn’t know what to do next. He found himself wandering outside. It was one of those rare days in late May where the humid Mediterranean heat was still bearable, and even pleasant. What did he usually do after his meetings? Well, he’d go seek Aldo.

Whenever he felt like the late Holy father left him with more questions than answers, when he felt like things ended up more complicated than they were before, he would go seek Aldo. ‘Simple’ is a description no living soul would use to describe Cardinal Bellini. But all those qualities in him- the calculated, meticulous, occasional over-thinking man, are the qualities that were able to look objectively at every situation and break it down for Thomas to be able to feel like he has a grasp on the world again. So yes, simple. Aldo would make everything simple for him.

 It hasn’t always been easy with Aldo. It actually used to be a lot harder. But everything seems more complicated when you’re young.

He remembered a time when just the thought of Aldo was too much. The sight of him all consuming, swallowing everything in its path, not allowing room for anything else. They both felt it, they both fought it. They knew, at least they thought, it was God testing them, making sure that they would always choose him- and Chose god they did. When you’re young and everything seems bigger and heavier you think you’ll never get through something, but the truth is letting go had only made their bond stronger. Perhaps letting go isn’t the right word. They could never let go of each other. They accepted what they could have instead of what they couldn’t and realized it’s just as wonderful. And so much easier. They could love each other and love God, because what is more sacred than love?

The term Work Husband sprung to mind. 

Both teasingly and lovingly people would refer to the two of them as such, and Thomas grew quite fond of it. It was like having your cake and eating it too. Doing the work he believed in with the man that he was closest to.

If loving Vincent was like loving the sun, loving Aldo was like coming home.

*

It had been a few months since the two bishops saw each other, but every time they meet they slip right back into their old rhythm. The banter, the discussions, and above all their work, was as productive as ever. Their mission was a success, and  the celebratory dinner would have been lovely- Had bishop Trembley not been there.

He wasn’t a part of the assignment per say, but because it was in Quebec he insisted on opening up his residence to the both of them (it was certainly spacious enough) and then recommended the nice restaurant they were at (and invited himself, unbeknownst to Bellin and Lawrence) 

“But you two!” said the french-canadian “You go way back! Must be nice, knowing the person you work with so well”

“It makes it torellable” Bellini gave Lawerence a small smirk, and sipped from his wine “But we actually haven’t worked together in quite some time. We parted ways after seminary. But i suppose whenever we see each other again it brings back… Old habits”

“Well it’s clear you made a friend for life back then, even if your paths parted. Quite the dynamic duo, the Holy father’s dream team!”

“Well, we’re not even cardinals yet.” Said Thomas.

“I’m sure it’s only a matter of time, my friends.”

*

A small stabbing pain in his lower abdomen reminded Thomas that the road to where his heart is now was not as easy as hindsight makes it seem.

He had served many roles in the church, rising through the ranks, he’d gotten further away from Aldo, but also somehow further from god.

But coming to the Vatican and seeing his friend thriving made him believe he had made the right choice. Aldo Bellini became the liberal’s biggest hope for the next pope, and Thomas would have endured any pain necessary to achieve the future they both wanted for the church.  He’d let his work distract him, that is, until he was too sick to work, and that is when the crushing weight of his loneliness truly showed its face. When he truly thought his time was up, and he couldn’t feel the presence of his god carrying him through, what else could he feel but that he had wasted his life? That he had been a pathetic old man who’d been actually, truly, alone, if the holy spirit he believed was there was not actually present?

He used to consider his ability to be alone a virtue, when in reality that’s all he was. Alone.

Perhaps that mess of a conclave was truly a blessing.

Not only did they find the person truly worthy of the role, he was also able to see Aldo for who he truly was.

In their years apart, when they would only see each other every now and then, Thomas seemed to have put Bellini up on a pedestal in his mind. Of course he hadn't realized this up until the moment he was proven wrong, but he remembered every time they met. The awe he felt upon seeing him again after some time… Yes, he used to admire him. And what a lonely feeling that is, admiration. Like the one thing you want is too good for you.

It was healthy, being able to doubt his friend.

Walking through the square, Thomas’ cassock was caught for a moment on someone’s trolley, and suddenly remembered he had been meaning to change before heading out to his appointment.

Heading towards his apartment in the Palace of the Holy Office, he saw none other than the slender figure of his friend hailing the other way. They each gave the other a small wave and walked towards each other. Aldo’s briefcase looked rather heavy but he greeted Thomas calmly. “Retiring to your room early today?” he asked

Normally Thomas would not worry his friend with such things, but something compelled him to tell the truth, perhaps the sense that he would want Aldo to do the same. “Ah, no. Just for a change of clothes I'm afraid. I have a doctor’s appointment.” Before Aldo could express concern, he added “Nothing major, just a routine check up.” Perhaps there was still work to be done for him to be fully open. 

“Oh, are you going alone?” 

“I’m quite old enough to go to the doctor by myself” Thomas joked, but Aldo seemed to sense something was not all right. “Just because you can does not mean you should. Let me come with you.” He said, matter-of-factly 

“Nonsense, no, there is no need. You seem rather busy”

“Oh this?” Aldo gestures at his heavy briefcase “This is nothing. Grunt work, even, your presence would only help me get through it faster.” There it is, the familiarity, that ‘obvious yet special’ closeness. How could he say no to that?

*

“Aldo, anyone who won’t listen to you is a fool.” 

It was late. Too late for the two young seminaries to be sitting outside. But it was so hot in their room. They sat next to each other on the ledge of the stone wall overlooking the small valley, where they could catch the slight summer breeze.

“Well I don't know about that, but Marcello certainly is one. And all i said is divorced women can go to heaven. I can’t feel sorry enough for the poor souls who will have to confess to him one day.”

“He’ll still be doing that in a small church in his grandmother’s village when he’s 70 and you’ll be too busy being pope to even care”

“Don’t even joke about that Thomas!” He said, starting to laugh “Wait until the public finds out I don’t oppose homosexuals getting married.” 

They both laughed, but not heartedly, it faded quickly. They both felt the reality of that statement sting a bit too close to home. Thomas could feel Aldo’s hand inching slightly towards his- not touching, but he could see one finger slightly hovering above his. Aldo was not looking, seemingly unaware of it. But the slight crease between his eyebrows, the one he got when he was thinking too hard, betrayed him. “Maybe that is a selfish thing to say.” Aldo looked down “I just know that had i not heard God’s calling-...” He trailed off, he’d already confessed to too much. But Thomas knew what he meant. He would have liked to know there was someone on his side, someone who believed he was not doomed, that god loved him just as he was. Thomas could feel his heart slightly break at the thought of his friend feeling so alone, unworthy of love and respect, unworthy of his God. Carefully he bridged the gap between their fingers, unsure of what to do next. “Thomas…” it was barely above a whisper, and sounded pleading. He just didn’t know if the plea was to stop or keep going. They both didn’t know.

*

The two Cardinals sat in the waiting room. Bellini already took the papers out of his bag. Thomas reached for his book, only to realize he had brought the wrong volume in the series he was reading. It didn’t matter, his mind was too occupied anyway.

He was just settling in again, accepting his position in the church, feeling fulfilled. Could his cancer really be back just as things were taking a turn for the better? Is this another punishment for his short stroke of vanity in the conclave?

No, Cardinal Lawrence did not believe God uses illness as punishment. Cancer wards were not filled with sinful children who deserved to suffer. 

So what is this? Ever the rationalist, Thomas turned to facts. 

Fact, last time he was sick he spiraled into misery and was filled with regret for a life not lived.

Fact, his previous illness worsened his connection to God.

So, is God trying to push him out again? Telling him his time with the church was done? That he should go and live his life, unburdened by the consequences of his doubts? Or perhaps, this time the opposite will happen, god will reach out through the sickness, strengthening this faith, showing him he did not live his life in vain.

Or he might just die. A meaningless death, no godly intentions, just the circle of life.

Lord, whichever path you have chosen for me I shall follow. I can accept my end, having done my best to serve you and the Holy See

His morose prayer was cut by his thoughts trailing off to the elderly couple sitting in front of them.

They seemed to be a bit older than Thomas, in their late 70s or even early 80s. The man was reading a newspaper and looked frail, but had a pleasant demeanor about him.  The woman seemed rather stern, short curly gray hair, she looked like a classic Italian nonna, the years of hard work showing on her hands. Lawrence hadn’t assumed they were even a couple, until the man coughed, and the woman placed her hand lightly on his shoulder, just for a few moments and then let go. This might have been a meaningless gesture but Thomas could see the small change in the man in front of him. The light touch seemed to ground him somehow, rejuvenated him, just a little bit.

 Thomas felt a small sting in his chest. He could have used this during his months of chemo.

He looked to his right, at the man sitting next to him, focused on his work. He knew every line on that face, he’d remembered noticing each new wrinkle forming. The one between his eyebrows, the first one to become truly prominent, from years of focusing, just like he is now. The bags under his eyes, another rather early addition to his face, even from before he’d lost his hair.

During Thomas’ last illness he’d shut everybody out. He believed it was his cross to bear, each painful morning a reminder of his Lord’s suffering, and each sting bringing him closer to him. He’d chosen to go through it alone, which seemed absurd now. His two closest friends were the Holy Father and Aldo- Who had taken over for him as secretary of state. They’d both been busy. And besides, they were not that close. Not in sickness and in health close.

Aldo being with him now, on such a mundane errand, made Thomas realize that perhaps it didn’t have to be this way this time.

“Aldo?”

“Yes, Dear?” He answered, without looking up.

  Dear .

 They’d call each other that before. ‘My dear Thomas’ ‘my dearest friend’ but there was something so… scandalous about that singular dear. Something domestic.

He could see it in his mind. A small house in the Italian countryside. Reading the newspaper, going to church on Sunday, bickering about the dishes or the laundry or the garbage, marking books for when the other one reads them after they’re done. Oh lord forgive him. 

“Will you marry me?”

For the rest of his life Thomas would not be able to explain quite why he led with that. Aldo gave him a glare that could almost put Sister Agnes to shame (oh heavens, he really did have a type did he?)

He could also feel a light side eye from the old woman.

Aldo kept saying nothing, Implying that more explanations are needed, and the absurdity of his own question dawned on Thomas.

“Of course I don't mean right now, or realistically ever, but, forgive me if I'm being presumptuous- but, I think, once we are both retired, we might find it amiable to… spend the rest of our life together.” There. Still an odd thing to say out of the blue, but not something that would lead to rumours of severe brain damage.

Aldo looked as if he was calculating his next words very carefully. After a short moment, he put his hand on Thomas’ arm. “Do you plan to retire soon?” Thomas didn’t know what answer he expected but it was not that.

 “This isn’t a standard check up is it? You think your cancer is back?” Why did God damn him to love such a clever man?

When there was no response, Aldo slid his hand down to grab Thomas’

“Of course you were not being presumptuous.” he admitted quietly “But asking me to Marry you? Perhaps you don’t need to speak whenever the holy spirit compels you” he said teasingly.

“Do you think, if it was possible at the time, back then, would you have married me?” Aldo seemed to be steering the conversation in a more lighthearted direction, but Thomas was feeling the spirit of vulnerability in this quaint waiting room on a wednesday afternoon.

“Do you remember what you looked like back in seminary Thomas? As if I could say no to that.” but then Aldo let go of his hand, sensing Thomas needed a more honest answer 

“I can’t dwell on the past like this. I can’t think of the future like this, Thomas. If I focus on anything but right here, right now, I would lose myself.” he clasped his hands together “I learned that what I want isn’t always what is best for me, it isn't always God's will. I can’t make any promises, Thomas. Not when there is so much work left to be done. 

 “But, here is what I can promise you: I’m not going to leave your side. Whatever happens, you won’t go through it alone again”

“Signore Lawrence?”

He heard his doctor’s voice say. He got up, gave Bellini a smile, but the man looked slightly shaken. Thomas just went inside.

*

Aldo stepped closer “Is there any world-” and looked Thomas straight in the eyes

 “where I can convince you to stay?”

Those big brown eyes made him feel like he was drowning. If he kept looking into them, well, they could convince Thomas to do anything. He put his hand on Aldo’s cheek. “Yes.” Thomas said quietly, “Which is why I have to go.”

Aldo was nodding, lowering his gaze, but Thomas could feel the tear rolling down his hand that was still holding on to his friend. His chest tightened, like his lungs were full of cement. Aldo was the most composed man he’s ever known and seeing him break was more than Thomas thought he could bare. He was about to drop his hand, but suddenly those eyes were looking at him again. 

Thomas couldn’t risk Aldo asking him to stay again, and before his brain could come up with a solution the rest of his body was already kissing the other man.

*

Later that night Thomas found himself laying in bed unable to sleep. Three days until the blood test results are back, the doctor told him. Three days for him to sit and stew while waiting for his probable death sentence. He’d try to pray to find some peace but as usual, no luck. It only made him think back to a few months ago, when he prayed for God to take him instead of the late holy father. Now, he was not so sure if that was a merciful thing to ask. If there is one thing he feared most about becoming pope was the loneliness of the role. The late Holy Father had closer allies than him, but Vincent- He’d truly hate to leave Vincent all by himself. Not that he was not capable of doing it alone, of course he was. But he shouldn’t have to. Thomas has to stay here, for him if not for anything else. He knew how much Benitez trusted him, saw him as one of his sole confidants. Entrusted him with his secrets… Thomas realized the majority of the change he’d gone through in just a few months. Before he might not have necessarily wanted to die, but he sort of… didn’t mind it. Saw benefits to it. But now? Oh no, he’s going to have to fight isn’t he? He cannot doom Vincent to the fate he feared for himself.

What a blessing that Aldo was not chosen.

Unlike Vincent, Thomas knows it would have driven them apart. He could picture it, Pope Bellini, too afraid to be alone with Cardinal Lawrence for fear of an old flame reigniting due to the stress and loneliness of the role. He’d send him to England, to New York, to be very important very far away, while he himself rotted away any sense of personhood he had left, only the Holy Father remaining. 

Those thoughts stung more than Thomas realized they would. Maybe now that he knew that deep down he’d always hoped they’d retire together, the idea of Aldo fully losing himself to the papacy seemed like an awful nightmare and he’d just recently fought for it to come true. But I thought I fought for the good of the church. He comforted himself . I was being selfless. He tried to make himself feel better with his virtues, but somehow it just makes that sinking feeling worse every time. Unjustified praises only deepened his wrongdoings towards his friend.

*

  Kissing Aldo didn’t send Thomas spinning, it focused him. It was the only thing he could focus on. He couldn’t think, Didn't want to think. He just knew as long as this moment lasts he wouldn't have to face any moment after. 

Aldo gripped Thomas by the shirt pulling closer to him for just a few seconds, before quickly pushing away.

“Go.”

Thomas just looked at him, unable to process what was happening 

“What did you even come here for? Go!”

* 

Chapter Text

It was a good thing Thomas did not schedule any work for himself the next day. His withered body could barely peel itself from the bed at 11 AM. He vaguely remembers Sister Angelica leaving him a cup of tea by the bed, but it had gone cold. Still, he got up and got dressed. Sulking in his room isn’t going to do him any favors, and perhaps the sunshine would do him good. 

What he’d really hoped for was a conversation with Vincent, but he knew how busy he was, so did not seek him out. He will burden him when there is something concrete to worry about.

He’d missed the morning mass but decided to pay a trip to the Church of Santa Maria nearby. You can hardly find empty chapels in the Vatican especially at this time of year, but this one was alway relatively quieter, and he enjoyed strolling the cemetery after. It was a nice place to end up in, he thought. Thomas could never quite reach a conclusion on what he wanted to be done with his body after he died. Of course he thought about it, at his age, and what else are you to do in your sick bed. The fate of Popes- the be embalmed, entombed- seemed like an awful choice to him. Thomas hated his useless body, he does not believe there was anything in it worth preserving. He decided the choice should befall on the church. Perhaps his friends would have a good idea. 

He decided to look for Aldo. they didn’t really continue their conversation after leaving the doctor’s office, and he would hate to think he caused unnecessary tension between them. They had agreed not to go back to that time.

Thomas searched and asked around but got some contradicting answers which, if all compiled together, he was in a meeting touring the sistine chapel with the president of the south african state of the greek orthodox. Likely place for him to be.

 So, Aldo was avoiding him. So much for ‘simple’. So much for their acceptance of where and what they were, thanks to Thomas throwing it out the window with his prodding, the useless wishes of a dying man.

It was already late afternoon. Lawrence could feel his stomach rumbling. He hasn't really eaten anything today, but couldn’t bring himself to decide on where to eat, and he somehow found himself wandering the gardens. It was the ideal time for a stroll, right around closing time for tourists, but before the sun had completely set.

“Cardinal Lawrence!” a familiar voice called from behind, he could feel better already at the sound of that voice.

“My dear Vincent, I thought we agreed you’d call Thomas.”

“I’m sorry my friend. Thomas.”  Benitez gave him a shy smile, with a hint of blush on his cheeks. This was one of the most powerful men in the world, Thomas had to remind himself before he did something that would merit a scandal. He places a hand on the Pope’s shoulder. “I’ll be honest, I've been wanting to talk to you all day, but did not want to bother.” 

“I sensed it. After you told me you were heading to the doctor yesterday, I thought you might be distracted today. What did they tell you?”

“Oh, nothing really- She took a blood sample, we will know more in three days.” 

“Then we should not worry ourselves too much until that time, it is in God's hands. I will keep you in my prayers, as always.” 

Very few people should be so lucky to be personally mentioned in the pope’s prayers every night. Thomas smiled at him, but didn’t know what to say next. His illness had not been the only thing bothering him.

“I can sense there is more on your mind,” said Vincent. His eyes were like X-Rays, examining him. It made Thomas slightly uncomfortable, but he decided to give into it, in the spirit of opening up. He still wasn’t entirely sure what to say, last time he just blurted out the first thing out of his mouth- well, he was living the consequences.”Would you like me to take your confession?” Vincent asked quietly, his guards were close but out of earshot. 

“No, there is no need for that at the moment, I think I would rather just consult my friend.” Vincent grabbed the old man’s hand, and took him to a bench behind a bush, away from the security team’s eyes.

“I fear I may have damaged my already fragile relationship with Cardinal Bellini.”

“Fragile? I remember you telling me your connection was made stronger by the conclave.”

“Well, I may have been wrong about that.”

Vincent took Thomas’s other hand, holding them both tightly.

“I know the two of you… have a special bond. I do not need to know the full nature of your relationship to tell how deeply you care for each other. I can hardly believe you could change that in a matter of a single day” 

Thomas shook his head “I do not doubt Aldo’s care for me.” he sighed “The ‘nature of our relationship’ as you call it, is built on our mutual agreement to be content with what God gave us.” Vincent seemed rather pleased with that explanation, but allowed Thomas to finish “But i may have told him something that would be considered… crossing that boundary.”

“I see.”

When Vincent said no more, Thomas panicked for a moment. “Your Holiness, if you believe it better to take my confession i will do so-”

“No, you came to me as a friend, and I will answer as such.” Thomas relaxed a bit, but could feel his palm sweating in Vincent’s hands

“I know that you, Thomas Lawrence, are a good man. And a great servant of the lord. Everything you have done in your life has been for the betterment and strengthening of the church. I have cast my vote for you every single time because I believe wholeheartedly that the holy spirit is always with you.” Thomas was looking straight into the radiance of the Holy Father’s eyes, he did not allow himself to avert his gaze, despite the pain that rose inside him whenever he heard compliments he felt he did not deserve, especially from Vincent Benitez. “Thus, I find it hard to believe you have crossed any spiritual line. And if you say you believe Aldo still cares for you, I do not see where the problem lies.”

 “If what you said truly upset him, let him come to you. I know he will seek you out eventually.” Vincent cupped Thomas’ face, heat radiating from the point of contact all through his body. Then he leaned in, kissing Thomas lightly on his cheek. “I absolve you, Thomas Lawrence”

“I thought this wasn’t a confession.” Thomas tried to sound like he was joking, but it came out as more of a dazed mumble.

“Nevertheless, I do.” Vincent seemed to have picked up on the joke.

“You deserve Good things, Querido.

 Now, let’s go get you something to eat, I could hear your stomach gurgle from the other end of the garden.”

*

“Straight from New York, Lawrence”

“Isn’t he smart, Lawrence?”

It seems Thomas’ new roommate was a big hit with the rest of the seminary. The young man from the big city who crossed the ocean to connect with his Roman Catholic side. He couldn’t help but agree, he was rather brilliant. Their nightly discussions turned into his favorite part of the day. The strange thing was that Bellini seemed to feel the same way. What did he find in Lawrence? So plain, so boring. Perhaps their shared ideals, their aspirations for the church.

 “It’s the hair” Aldo would say, had Thomas asked.

*

Three knocks at the door. Succinct. There was only one man it could be.

Carefully, Thomas opened the door.

Aldo was wearing a gray sweater that fit him perfectly, his clerical collar showed from beneath. 

Being Aldo Bellini, his expression would look perfectly normal, ambivalent even to an outside observer, but Thomas knew better. There was something refreshed about him, unlike the hesitant man he remembers from yesterday.

“Yes,” Said Aldo

It may have been the late hour but Thomas could not process the meaning of this. Aldo gestured for Thomas to let him in, and he did, closing the door behind them.

“Yes, i will ‘marry you’ or whatever other absurd thing you wish to call it”

Cardinal Lawrence just stood there, dumbfounded. He had, naturally, prepared for the worst, this was not a scenario he had the proper calculations for. Suddenly Bellini rushed forward, and grabbed Thomas’ shoulders with both his hands. There was a force to the shorter man’s grip, slightly pushing Thomas further in the room.

“Did you understand what I said? Let’s do it. Retire, go to Napoli, Florence, Crete, New York, Lima, Quebec, i don’t care, as long as we keep growing old together. And god forbid you get sick again, i will be there this time, and we'll get through it, because i did not waste all this time just for you to die before i get to enjoy what we have left” 

Like a dying man, he could see his life reflected in Aldo’s eyes. Their lives. Every meal, every late night study, every opportunity they did not take, every mistake he’d ever made, but then- their bed, at their home, they’re reading the newspaper, playing chess, feeding the cats outside, dancing, holding each other closer than they ever have- he found himself mirroring Aldo, holding him with trembling hands 

 “I- I’d like that.” he could feel Aldo relax beneath him. Good, tangible, not a hallucination.  “But yesterday- why the sudden change of heart?”

“I was doing it again,” Aldo scoffed “Being a coward. Fearing my position in the church. Fearing what might happen to you. But where has that fear led me? Where do I actually want to be at the end of the day? And the simple answer is, with you. 

 “I worked so hard, for years, serving everyone else but myself, asking for nothing but the lord’s grace in return. All of these members of the curia that our old friend couldn’t stand, with their greed, taking from others for their own benefit in the name of the church… Why do they get what they want?

 “So tomorrow I will tell Benitez- we can tell Benitez, and in a week's time we can be on the train out of here, wherever you want to go” He said it with such intensity, the sort of passion he would save for arguing with the likes of Tedesco. He hasn’t addressed Thomas this way since, well since Thomas told him it was too much.

“Wait a moment, what do you mean tomorrow?”

“I mean tomorrow, once the sun rises and everyone wakes up, tomorrow.”

“I- No i can’t”

 A Pause.

“What do you mean you can’t?” there was a slight hint of annoyance in his voice.

“I mean i can’t retire yet, I can’t leave Vincent alone.”

Aldo dropped his hands and just stood there for a moment, before moving to the couch, burying his head in his hands. Thomas already found himself missing the feeling of his hands.

The Secretary of State hadn't seemed so distraught in years. “Of course, of course. I’m such a fool.”

“You’re not a fool, Aldo, quite the opposite in fact.” 

“No, I am a foolish old man who’d lost the ability to tell right from wrong.” he took a deep breath, composing himself “My fears and my desires, they are both pushing me in different directions. I know they will both lead me astray, but I can’t see any other path. wherever I go, God is telling me I should not.”

Thomas wished nothing more but to hold him, but feared he would only make it worse. He let Aldo keep speaking

 “All my life, God illuminated my way forward. I always knew where the next step was, I could calculate my next move. Since the conclave- I lost my only path forward. God told me that there is no more forward for me. This was my place and this is where I will stay.

 “But Thomas, what you said, I thought maybe.. Maybe my next step is you.” He looked up at The taller man, standing above him. Thomas could see the desire, the defeat, the weight of the pressure he had to endure all these years. He kneeled down- his cracking joints made him instantly regret it, he had to hold on to Aldo’s knee to balance himself. they were closer than he realized they’d be. Aldo kept on

 “But Benitez… Pope Innocentius. You’re right Thomas, you can’t leave him- we can’t leave him, we put him in that position, we can’t let these animals eat him alive. He might be capable of handling one Tedesco, but the whole Christian world..he needs us by his side. You’re right Thomas, I was being selfish yet again. Vanity and jealousy blinding me to the work that's still to be done.”

“Aldo, I implore you not to speak so harshly about my dear old friend.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Thomas chose to ignore that comment, for now. 

“We’ll do our work, we serve Vincent, we serve God, as we always have, and he will let us know when our work is done. Then we will leave at peace.” Thomas said, trying his best to sound convincing. He wasn’t sure he’d convinced himself.

“Don’t be naive.” The words were harsh, like the last time they were spoken. “You think we can wait around for god to allow us to leave? You think we'll be able to tell? You can barely hear him anyway!” cheap shot. “Thomas you could die, tomorrow.” tears were starting to fill those big brown eyes. Both of them have been doing a terrible job steadying their breath. A shaky hand was making its way towards Thomas’ face, retreating at the last moment, hovering aimlessly in the air between them. “You could die someday soon, before I was ever able to-” He sighed, then lowered his head. Thomas understood. Because It didn’t matter what the end of the sentence was- that’s just it, isn’t it? The future had infinite possibilities. Anything they ever wanted to do but can’t, that could all still happen, if god grants it. 

 Thomas' trembling hand touched the back of Aldo’s still hovering one, and slowly, carefully, moved it the rest of the way to Thomas’ cheek. Aldo’s breath hitched, barely audibly, but from this close Thomas could feel it, its warmths disappearing for a second “I’m- I’m trying to be rational here. But even if you live- even if the Doctor calls tomorrow and tells you nothing is wrong, I don’t know how much longer I can wait.

 “This whole ‘being at peace’ with what we do have-” Aldo furrowed his eyebrows, choosing his next words with the carefulness of a liturgical scholar “I’m not at peace with it. I could have been, had I not wasted our earlier years pushing you away. Putting you inside a locked box in my mind. I made sure there was a solid wall between us, and so I wasted my time with you not experiencing every moment to its fullest, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it, play catch up with a life not lived.

 “So yes, while having dinner every other day, discussing a book we read, sharing a prayer are all things that bring a lot of joy to my heart, I-” he sighed. Their faces were terribly close, but Aldo didn’t stop leaning further in, Thomas could feel his breath almost by his own ear, and the hand on his cheek trailed off to lightly stroke the thin hair at the back of his neck. Thomas breathed him in, his friend, it’s been so long but felt like it did all those years ago. He could feel the heat rising from his shoulders to his neck, where he could feel Aldo’s fingers, his breath. And when did Thomas lay his hand on Aldo's collar? “Wh- we’re just going to have to-” Thomas was having a very hard time figuring out what he wanted to say, not to mention being able to find the words.

 “Stay.” Aldo said. It was unclear whether he was finishing the sentence, or giving a command. 

“I can’t-” Thomas interjected, before Aldo could do something drastic. He felt him freeze. “My knees are killing me.” And the ice statue of a man melted in an instant, laughing into Thomas’ neck, he could feel Aldo’s tears rolling down his collar. They pulled each other up and into a hug, still laughing, at the absurdity of the moment and their failing bodies. Slowly the laughter died down, but they kept holding on, just standing there, for as long as they could make the moment last.

 “I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you. Time spent with you is not time wasted.” Thomas said. But holding Aldo closer than he has in decades, he didn’t want to let go

“But.. I suppose, if we agreed.. About what will happen eventually- Does it matter, at this point, if we just.. start now?”

“Yes.” Aldo sighed, and pulled back a little, to look Thomas in the eyes, to hold his face. Thomas was already trying to burn the sensation into his memory before it disappears-

 “But I don't care,” said Aldo, and pulled him in, kissing him.

Kissing his mouth, his jaw, his neck, wrapping his arms around him. Thomas returned the favor, kissing his friend's forehead, his temple, his teary cheeks, starting to tug at Aldo’s restraining collar. He didn't want to stop, but he could feel his weak frame about to collapse.

"Aldo...?" 

"Hmm..?" he murmured into his neck sending waves down his spine. “I- Sorry, I need a moment.” He took Aldo’s shoulder, and pushed him gently away, looking at his face. He looked slightly dazed, staring in his eyes, then back at the spot on his neck he was just buried in. “I promise I wasn't going to do anything that…” Aldo breathed in “I won’t be too much, not again.”

“It’s not that,” Thomas said reassuringly, stroking his cheek. “It’s me, it’s this useless sack of organs, too weak to stand here...

 "I’m sorry that you’re only getting… This, now, not that young man you’ve been dreaming off for so long”

Aldo’s expression was so caring, so worried, yet grateful he did not cross a line. “I was rather taken with that dashing boy,” he said with a smile “but I love the version of you that lived,” he traced the line by Thomas’ mouth “I love this version of you, that contains every other version of you that i missed out on, that I get to love all at once”

“My old friend…” Thomas hugged Aldo, relieved he gets to say it-

 “I love you too”

------

“I told you, you were coddling them”

“I’m sorry Aldo, but what was I supposed to do? Ignore the crying of someone in need? It was raining! I could not leave him to God's mercy. It’s not my fault all the others followed”

“Hmmmf. You feed a cat once, it won’t stop demanding what it wants for the rest of its life”

“I happen to know someone just like that.”

“Oh, please. ”

Thomas grabbed Aldo and gave him a big, ridiculous kiss on the cheek. The other man just groaned loudly. “Go make yourself useful to another human being please, and put the kettle on” Thomas ignored him. “Search your heart and tell me it isn’t true…”

“Stop it, I can confront my vices with my God.” He said, trying to look annoyed, but barely containing his smile.

“Oh, i finished the book i told you about, i left it by your side of the bed. I marked the spots I’d love your thoughts about” 

“Thank you dear, I look forward to reading it. It doesn’t absolve you from cleaning the cat food from the porch”

“If I wanted to be absolved, I would call the pope. Need I remind you again that is not you?”