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“You understand well, don’t you? 11th Harbinger?”
“... Of course, Regrator. I’ll be off to do business in Liyue then.”
Zapolyarny palace will never fail to be so cold. Snezhnaya is buried within feets of snow, wind piercing through skin and ice that bleeds. A slight mist covers the entire nation. Fog is emitted through each of its people’s breaths wherever they go. All members of their family and the Fatui run around the nation like clockwork. The same can be said for the Harbingers and Childe as well. Truly a nation made of ice.
But inside the ice is a particular warmth. One that calms the family. A cozy and warm feeling inside despite the coldness. You can consider Childe to be one of those people.
Childe breathes out a fog of air as he walks out of the palace. The hallways are so intricately decorated, far too elegant for his happy home tastes. The atmosphere during and after meetings with the Harbingers always leave him with a tired look. He looks up at the large door and exits. A whiplash of cold air burns his skin red. It’s a windy day in Snezhnaya, far too dangerous for individuals to stay out for long. But of course, he’s Childe. Powerful wind and snow can’t stop him from leaving.
The heavy atmosphere during these meetings are too overbearing. And quite boring. I’d rather go home.
I should run. Running helps me get used to the cold! I’ll head home first, tell the family I’m leaving for Liyue again… And I’ll make sure to write… Hm.
Hm… Hm?
The fierce colds will never make him get used to this. Amidst the wind, there’s a shadowed figure sitting by the lower steps of Zapolyarny palace. A person is sitting down on the stairsteps of Zapolyarny palace, something no citizen would dare to do. They’re staring at nothing… Perhaps the scenery? They’ve been staring at it for a long time, as if they’re trying to take in the nation’s landscape and burn it in their memory. It’s someone whom Childe knows well, one of the Harbingers, in fact. Someone who’s colder than ice and… someone who’s currently wearing the same ridiculously oversized coat. The same oversized uniform.
“Scaramouche? What are you doing sitting around like that?”
The young man jolts, having not seen him. Unusual, considering he’s always aware of those around him, even if they’re spying. It’s useless now, so he takes a good glance and then turns his head away.
“I thought you’d know better than to linger outside in windy weather in Snezhnaya.” He blatantly says, not looking at his direction.
Childe nods, “I just want to go home early, like you. Aren’t you cold?”
Scaramouche gives him a certain look. One in which he felt like he was about to burst out laughing. But he remained composed and stood up. “Not at all. I should be on my way now.”
“To Inazuma, right?”
Scaramouche stops in his tracks. He was so ready to hit him with the, ‘It’s none of your business’ card but it seems that the ginger already knows. But it’s strange. This mission was confided to Scaramouche and La Signora only. It leaves a taste of confusion in the young man’s mouth. There should be no way Childe knows about this.
“... So what? The Tsaritsa told you about our mission?”
“No, The Jester told me.” The ginger shakes his head.
“For what?”
“That information can’t be disclosed, Scaramouche.”
Oh, how the tables have turned. Ticked off and feeling a crack on his skin, Scaramouche nearly balls up a fist. But there’s no reason to be angry. It’s stupid and useless to waste your time on. So instead, he gives up and lets out a sigh. He sits back down. It turns out he has nowhere else to go and simply wanted to be left alone. Childe sits a few steps behind the young man, cradling his legs. It’s a nice way to keep warm under his thick coat.
“... If you want to go home early, go ahead.” Scaramouche reiterates, crossing his leg.
“You’re going to Inazuma for the Gnosis, right?”
“... Why are you wasting your time? Starting your conversations just to occupy silence…”
But Childe interrupts, the audacity… “Then there’s a huge chance you’ll get to meet my comrade! They’re strong and I’ll trust that you won’t underestimate them.”
“... Heh, comrade, you say?” Scaramouche places a hand by his cheek, slumping down and placing his weight on his lower half. “If they’ve beaten you, that’s to be expected.”
“And they can beat you too. So watch out.”
“... Oh? Who’s side are you on?”
“Yours, obviously. The Fatui and our majesty wins once we retrieve the Gnosis. Just don’t expect it to be so easy this time. You know?”
“... You tell me this, and yet…” Scaramouche says, but his sentence trails off. A thought occupies his mind. One that is a strong thought, so much that it silences him.
It was then that Scaramouche fell silent. The wind suddenly stops and snow starts falling gently at long last. It was a very long silence, yet Childe never left. It annoys him that he’s still there when he wants to contemplate alone. The silence was a very loud one.
It was as if the silence was just them conversing casually. This was the first time they’ve ever talked alone. The atmosphere felt heavy, yet as light as the falling snow. One Harbinger hates the heavy atmosphere during Harbinger meetings while the other eats it up and takes amusement out of it. But in the end, they both just hate being bound together.
“... It’s not windy anymore.” Childe states.
“...”
“Scaramouche? Don’t you have a family to go home to?”
Immediately upon saying that, Scaramouche felt himself get up. But Childe tugs on his coat lightly, only for his hand to get slapped. Whoops… Ow! What a bad move. In any case, he knew he should’ve seen this coming.
“No, no, no-- Wait! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that. I just wanted to make a connection between you and I! That’s all.” Sweat begins to creep up from under his scarf. “All of us Harbingers… Well, I’d assume we’re all pretty different.”
“... Given how we are, you’re the most normal one here.” Scaramouche unexpectedly sits back down, much to the ginger’s relief. He knows how to avoid topics…
“Oh, really?”
“Well. You’re not normal, but you’re normal from our standards.”
Childe didn’t know what to say. He was sure after that comment that Scaramouche would leave, but he’s oddly staying. Well, that’s to be expected. They’re his co-workers, yes. He does not need to get to know them. But Childe knows that if they’re anything like him, they must’ve had their own stories on how they were recruited. Yes, because they’re strong. But before that, they must’ve had their own pasts…
Even Scaramouche. Someone as scary, imitating and haughty as Scaramouche must have some sort of backstory as to why he’s here. No one is born to be a villain. And since he almost left, perhaps he does not have a family.
To not have a family is a scary thing. Childe can’t imagine a life without his mom, dad, sister and brothers. He remembers the love that was contained inside him when Teucer and Tonia were born. Even though it’s Scaramouche, someone who is almost too angry all the time, Childe is sure there has to be at least someone from the past that he loved. As he’s conversing now, he’s… quite normal.
“...” Scaramouche glances back at Childe. All of a sudden, the yapper stopped yapping. “Don’t you have a family to go back to? The wind stopped. You can leave now.”
“I just have a question.”
“It better not be anything sentimental.”
“Just a question. How do you plan to enter Inazuma? They’re under the Sakoku Decree, aren’t they?”
“Are you stupid?” A comment that nearly made Childe fall off the stair steps. “... We already have an ongoing business there. We can already pass through with permissions we obtained from the Kanjou Commission. So are you coming along or not?”
“No, I’m going to Liyue with the Regrator.” The ginger answers as honestly as possible.
“Then why did you--” Scaramouche nearly facepalms, but he instead pinches the bridge between his eyes. “You’re wasting my time.”
“Why are you like that all the time? Honestly, I could say the same to our fellow Harbingers. But even when we have serious discussions, you always have some sort of attitude!” A comeback from Childe, who spouts at the latter.
“Why are you the way that you are? Naive, suave, happy-go-lucky, naive, stupidly battle hungry, whatever. Honestly, it’s rather impressive that you live your life like that. You could say you really are a child.”
“You said ‘naive’ twice…”
“Yeah, obviously.”
It was starting to get awkward. Scaramouche is about to leave, getting up and walking down the steps. It’s about time Childe started leaving as well. His family is waiting for his return and he has to make sure he gets on a ship to Liyue on time. Childe has so many questions for his co-worker, yet the latter can only respond to few, if not at all. If he wants to say anything, it has to be now.
It has to be now…
“How did you become a Harbinger?”
“Aren’t you afraid of going to Inazuma? Or do you not have room to feel anything like that?”
“Do you disdain me that much?”
“Before you go…” He starts off. “Does it snow in Inazuma…?”
“... What? ”
What??
To be honest, Childe has no idea why he just asked that. He’s running off his mouth faster than his brain is working at this point. He’s really tired and he should really go home now. Why on Teyvat did he just ask that? That’s a stupid question. Scaramouche is going to run him over with insults now and say that he’s naive. He’s proving his point.
“You’ve got to be stupid, right?”
As expected.
“It’s rather pathetic of you to run your mouth when you want to occupy silence. Didn’t I say that before?” The young man stands as he looks at the ginger with stern eyes. “Like any other region, it rains and it snows. Like every other season, idiot.”
Hey, at least he answered my question.
“Stop it with the sentimental questions. Go home.” With a turn of his heel, Scaramouche makes his way down. “Your family hasn’t seen you yet since you’ve returned, haven’t they? You should go see them before they won’t see you again.”
“You make it sound like I’m going to die after I leave for Liyue!” The ginger chuckles. He too steps down on the long stairway. “I’ll go see them, of course. And I’ll be back before my family knows it.”
The wind starts to pick up slowly again. Childe puts his freezing hands in his coat pockets, nearly sneezing from out of his nose. It’s Snezhnaya, he’s used to this by now. Perhaps he was feeling chilly already?
Scaramouche doesn’t turn around. His eyes droop down, staring at the ice below. Emptiness. “Have you ever thought about wanting to die, Childe? At all, anywhere in your life?”
“..?”
It was a sudden question. It’s as if both of the Harbingers are exchanging nonsensical conversation topics. But in a way, Childe felt a sense of cold running through his blood. It was then that Scaramouche finally turned his body around, giving him a blank and desolate look. It feels heavy. Scaramouche is asking him a question… out of his own volition. A question from the depths of his non-existent heart. The wind blows gently underneath them, freezing both individuals in their places. Everything was pissing off Scaramouche lately, but Childe… Childe takes the cake. More than.
In that cold, Childe had thought of so many things. Did he ever want to die at some point of his life?
He thought of the times when he first saw Tonia and Teucer. He often thought of Anton and the amount of times he bickered with him. He thought of the kisses his mother gave him and remembered the helpful advice his father often provided. He’s lived a very happy life.
Were there times he ever wanted to die? What a difficult question. Scaramouche is a scary person, but he didn’t think he’d be very philosophical. Is he trying to ask Childe what the meaning of life is?
Well, there’s a lot of meaning to life! I have a lot to live for. The pleasure of fighting, battling, the nature of being content when I’ve won a fair fight. And my family! I love them more than anything. As well as ice fishing. I like doing that with Teucer every week!
He’s probably not looking for that though. What should I say? How do I make this sound convenient for him?
He remembers every single detail. Has he ever wanted to die? He remembers laying on green grass the one year Snezhnaya barely had snow. Their apricot tree in the backyard blossomed and grew a few fruits, which made them happy. He remembers napping under the sunbeams filtering foliage, being awoken by Anton and his mother.
He remembers black-tailed gulls chirping on a pier that appeared and disappeared drifting on the waves, flying away freely as they migrated that year once again. It was a brief moment, but he felt peace and swore to remember that time.
He remembered a few years ago, when he met his Master Skirk. It’s plausible that he could’ve had the temptation to die at that time in the Abyss. But he was fourteen. All he wanted at that time was to live. He wanted to get stronger, thus he trained to become stronger.
He remembers the Traveler, meeting Zhongli, meeting everyone else. He can’t particularly say he wanted to die. He did as he was ordered to and did what he wanted to do. A job is a job. Even while collecting ‘debts’ he did not feel guilt heavy enough to want to end himself. Admittedly, Childe believes that this aspect of him is a little unhinged.
A dimmed light of a lamp in his comfy childhood bedroom, sounds of life coming from upstairs, sounds of interphone chimes, a boy covering his ears in a birdcage…
Candy too sweet for his tastes compared to Teucer, a lighthouse at a fishing port, a rusty arch bridge, an abandoned Waverider, him in front of a Fatui-owned factory…
Childe came to a realization. This is his own life. How he sees life. But for Scaramouche… Perhaps… It’s the opposite.
A life opposite of his is surely a sad one. He can’t help but feel bad.
And so, Childe finally answers, “Hahaha… Me? I…”
Scaramouche turns his back. He knows already.
“I can’t say I have…”
“Then,” Scaramouche, without hesitation, starts leaving Childe behind. “Don’t waste your time.”
“Uh--” Childe speaks up, nearly tiring the latter. “We’ll see you with the Gnosis in hand, hopefully?”
The young man doesn’t turn back. His head hangs behind as he looks far up at the gray sky. There’s nothing to see but endless snow falling rapidly, nearly blinding their vision. What a pain, the latter wants to say. But he might as well answer. This will be the last time after all.
He wanted to shake his head, but he refused to give Childe a gesture of any kind. He’s out to leave for a ship to Inazuma after all. Scaramouche is a cold person, of course. All of his underlings respect him out of fear. He’s violent and straight-forward with his words. Not even the Harbingers like him. That is to say, none of the Harbingers are sane. Not even someone as normal as Childe. Before he could speak, Scaramouche let out a long exhale. Haaah.
And Childe saw it for a split second, but he thought it was strange that fog didn’t come out of his mouth after he exhaled. A bullet of sweat dripped down by his cheek.
“Naturally.”
And just like that, he left. The wind blew the snow away into a misty fog. The hopes of reconvening were also left, drifting away with the frosty gushes of wind. Childe watched him drift on by slowly until… he was gone.