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“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly.” Jason blinked, unable to keep the incredulity out of his voice, despite the modulator in his helmet. “What the fuck did you just say?" He asked, staring at Bruce with unblinking eyes. Bruce stared back, unwilling to repeat himself for a third time.
“There are bombs in the eggs.” Tim deadpanned, already bored of repeating himself, despite the fact this was only his second time answering Jason's repetitive questions. Jason looked between Tim and Bruce, both of whom looked utterly behooved at the situation they’d found themselves in.
“The eggs…as in, the city-wide egg hunt’s eggs?” Jason asked haltingly, the reality of this conversation finally dawning on him.
“Correct,” Bruce groused, sighing loudly.
“As in, the ones that half the city’s children will be looking for tomorrow?” Jason emphasized, making sure he'd gotten all the details.
“Sounds about right.”
“Why does Gotham even HAVE an egg hunt?” Dick whined, finally adding his two cents from where he was lazing about on the cave floor for some reason. “At this point, that just seems like begging for trouble. Especially after last year.”
“To be fair, Riddler pulled that stunt just for us. It was our fault half the city got dyed in pastels.” Tim corrected. “This is a whole new level. Also you’re just jealous that they didn’t do it when you were a kid.”
“And we don’t know who did it?” Jason kept asking questions, ignoring Dick’s grumbling.
“No, we don’t. The letter was left at the reception desk of Jim’s precinct, he immediately deferred it to us, and we’ve already talked to the team of city officials charged with placing the eggs. None of them know anything about it.” Bruce pulled up a map of the city. “At least half of them kept records, so we know where some of the eggs are, but we’re going to have to put in a lot of legwork to confirm for sure no one sabotaged any of the eggs after they were placed earlier tonight.
“Oh no no no no no…” Jason backed up, already figuring out where this was going. “I am not doing that.”
“Jason, please…”
“Would you rather a child found it?” Damian sniffed, entering the cave with a dramatic stomp, ripping off his school tie and blazer. “Nearly all of my classmates, the simpletons, confirmed they would be out looking, along with their parents on Friday, despite it being an utter waste of time. The teachers were dreading it, based on the private conversations I eavesdropped on.”
“You eavesdrop on your teachers?” Tim raised an eyebrow.
“I hope one day to hear an intelligible conversation worthy my time, something my classmates and you lot deprive me of.” Damian responded drily.
Jason and Tim both flipped him off in synchronicity and Dick stuck out his tongue in Damian’s direction.
“Hey Bruce…what’s with all the candy?” Duke interrupted, coming into the cave in rumpled sleepwear, looking like he’d just been yanked out of bed, carrying a massive bag of sweets.
“And more importantly,” Stephanie added, coming in behind him, accompanied by Cass, both of them carrying their own bags. “Can we eat it?”
“No.” Bruce said. “Those are for you all to distribute in the eggs after locating the trap ones.”
“Hold on,” Dick perked up, frowning, finally figuring out the downside of this mission. “So, you want us to go around the whole city on an egg hunt, and put the eggs BACK?” Equally disgusted whines from Duke, Damian, Stephanie, and Cassandra arose, even though they had no idea what was going on.
Jason snorted, the plan sounding even less appealing now. “Yeah, no, you lot can have fun doing that yer-fucking-selves.”
“There are approximately 40,000 eggs out there.” Bruce explained.
All of the kids’ mouths dropped open.
“How in the fuck did the city hide nearly fifty thousand eggs?” Stephanie shrieked. “They don’t even have the manpower to fix a pothole for five months!”
“Surely there must be more appropriate uses of the time of our civil servants.” Damian remarked, looking disgusted.
Dick did the math. “There are roughly 42 thousand kids in the city under the age of thirteen, which is about the expected age cutoff for expected participants, so that’s what, at least one egg per kid?…”
“Okay, mathlete,” Jason taunted. “And how many eggs is that for us each?”
Dick hesitated. “For the nine of us, about 4 point 4 thousand.”
“Eight.” Bruce corrected, summoning the decency to at least look regretful.
Dick did a double take, turning around with a raised eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“I will be prioritizing the individual making the threats, rather than the bombs."
Stephanie rolled her eyes. “In other words, I will not be assisting with the eggs.”
“Oh, fuck this…” Jason snarled and turned to leave. “If he’s not helping, neither am I.”
“We are not each of us finding nearly five thousand eggs in one night on our own.” Dick protested, still glaring at Bruce.
“You mightn’t,” Damian sniffed. “I will.”
Everyone’s gaze sharpened, eyes slowly landing on Damian.
“That sounds like a challenge.” Duke warned, mouth quirking up at the corners.
“Then consider it one.” Damian grinned.
Both Dick and Bruce let out matching long-suffering sighs.
“Are we allowed to call in backup?” Stephanie asked, looking nonchalant.
“No.”
“Yes.”
Dick and Bruce answered at the same time, restarting the glaring match.
“People not participating don’t get to dictate the rules.” Dick said with a malicious edge to his voice. “If we want to call in help, we will.”
“No metas.”
“No chance.”
The rest of the Batkids watched the exchange with rapture, witnessing as Dick and Bruce butted heads. “This feels familiar.” Jason muttered under his breath, and Bruce glanced over to see his second oldest slowly inching towards the exit.
“Fine.” Bruce backed down, giving Dick the victory.
Stephanie cheered, and Jason groaned. “Fine, as long as I get to have help. Also, I'm keeping some of that candy.”
“I’ll drop the candy bags at the GCPD HQ, so if you need to resupply, rendezvous there. Be as thorough as you can.” Bruce briefed, despite all of the kids now looking at their phones distractedly to call in reinforcements. “The villain also implemented a deadline, although we cannot be sure of their commitment to it. Tonight is Saturday, and we have until sundown tomorrow to check all the eggs. A warning has been sent out via the news for parents to check the eggs already picked up, but watch out for anyone who might not have gotten the message.”
“Copy that,” Dick saluted and left, climbing onto his bike with almost enhanced speed, undoubtedly already going to go meet whoever he’d called in. Jason flew another middle finger in Bruce’s vague direction, also leaving the cave, with Tim, Cass, Duke, and Stephanie leaving together in the Batmobile shortly after.
Bruce turned to stare at his youngest, raising an eyebrow as he had yet to move. “Aren’t you going out as well?”
“I will. I’m just waiting for my ride.” Damian responded coolly, staring at his phone lockscreen, mentally counting down the seconds. Suddenly a blur of red and blue appeared, and Superman and his son were now standing in the cave.
“Dude, an egg hunt?” Jon cheered, somehow sporting a pair of plush rabbit ears.
“You are late...and you look ridiculous!” Damian wrinkled his nose, spotting the costume accessory.
“I look festive!” Jon struck a pose, teasing his friend, ducking out of the way as Damian tried to lunge and rip the ears off his head.
Clark smirked and glanced knowingly over at Bruce. “You sure you don’t want to come too?”
“Gotham is under threat, I have a case to solve.” Bruce said stiffly, eyes narrowed at the second set of plush ears in Clark’s hand. “You don’t seriously plan to wear that too, whilst hunting for trap eggs?”
“Why not?”
“As Damian said, you’ll look ridiculous.”
“Says the man in a Kevlar fursuit.” Clark retorted with a smile on his face, which only served to deepen Bruce’s scowl.
“I don’t know which of my kids bribed you to say that, but they underpaid you for it.”
“Yeah yeah, your revenge will be swift and merciless, I’m sure,” Clark waved offhandedly, picking up both of the kids still present, ignoring their bickering. “Have fun! I know we will.”
And then he was gone, Jon and Damian in tow.
Alfred materialized at the top of the cave stairs, carrying another bag of candy. “I hope you have a plan to deal with the sugar rush that lot will certainly come back with.”
“Yeah, it’s called an unscheduled JL mission to space.” Bruce deadpanned. “If you would also like to take an unprompted vacation…”
“Hardly. Witnessing their reactions to our deception will be recompense enough.”
As the kids charged through the streets, accompanied by various friends, a thought suddenly occurred to them. “Wait…” Stephanie called out, grappling to the nearest rooftop. “We didn’t agree on a prize!”
“Does there need to be one?” Duke asked, and then smacked himself on the forehead. “Wait, what am I saying? Of course, there needs to be one!”
“Whoever wins gets to run the next prank on Batman?” Tim suggested.
“Whoever wins has mission priority.” Damian posed.
“Whoever wins gets minions for a week.” Dick threw the idea out there, grinning as he met up with Donna and Wally, who had rushed in, both carrying Robin-themed Easter baskets.
“Wing, elaborate on that.”
“Whoever wins, gets to order around the rest of us, doing whatever they want, within reason, for a week.” Dick explained, seeing the glint form in Wally’s eye. The challenge was on.
“Deal.”
“That is acceptable.”
“Hell yeah.”
“Fine.”
“Now I feel like I should get involved.” Barbara interrupted, joining in on the comms. “I want minions.”
“We do what you say anyways.” Jason retorted. “Wing, Roy wants to know if you’ll hold it against him for helping me.” Over in Crime Alley, Roy facepalmed, to the enjoyment of Artemis and Bizarro.
“I didn’t want him to know, but thanks Jay.” He whispered sarcastically.
“Nah. Just remind him that Vic is doing a deep clean of the Titans Tower server room next week, and Roy has used all of his get-out-of-jail cards for Titans jobs this month. If I’m not available to help…” Dick left the threat hanging in the air, and Roy winced.
“So basically, yes.” He muttered. “Why did I agree to be friends with both of you?” Bizarro patted his arm sympathetically, while Jason rolled his eyes at his friend and brother's dramatics.
“Because…”
Dick already had an answer prepared but Barbara interrupted again. “Alright, not that we’re not enjoying this, but tonight is still like any other night. Crime doesn’t stop just because it’s Easter weekend, so keep in mind you guys are still on patrol. I will be keeping score of our teams; OG Titans, Outlaws, Young Justice, the Sirens plus Supergirl, the Anarchists, and Supersons. Am I missing anyone?”
“Nope.” Duke parked his bike outside of the warehouse where his fellow We Are Robin members were waiting, a mishmash of assorted bags in hand, waving at them as he approached.
“You all have your sectors. Border disputes will be settled the usual way. Happy hunting.” Their comms all clicked, signaling that Barbara had signed off, and that was the starting gun. Everyone started dashing around, desperately searching for any sign of an Easter egg.
“How to you guys settle border disputes?” Jon asked, as Clark dropped the boys off in Amusement Mile.
“Rock, paper, scissors.” Damian grumbled. “I prefer duels, but father prefers less maiming to be involved.”
“Found one.” Tim called out, having located his first egg, perched on the sill of a closed business in the Bowery. From down the street, Kon, Bart, and Cassie each held up their own eggs.
“I’ve found six.” Jason boasted, silently admiring the balls of whichever city employee went around dropping off eggs in Crime Alley, or the rest of Coventry for that matter. In the Diamond District, Stephanie and Cass were thinking the same thing.
“We’ve already got a full basket.” Dick teased. “Knights Stadium was a motherload.” He high-fived Wally, quickly doing a tally as he individually checked each egg.
“Goddamnit.” Jason swore and all of the kids silently grimaced, realizing that Dick’s section of Old Gotham was chock-full of public buildings. Buildings that would be easily accessible and undoubtedly prime targets for the egg hunt, including GCPD headquarters, Grant Park, and Wayne Tower.
“Hey, quick question,” Duke asked, pausing on the bridge to New Gotham. “Is anyone checking Arkham?”
“I will,” Damian volunteered, despite the looks of alarm on Clark and Jon’s faces. “What?” He asked, clocking their expressions. “It makes the most sense, we’re closest and have less territory compared to the others.”
“But that place creeps me out.” Jon whined.
“Gotham creeps you out." Damian retorted. "Besides, if anywhere is a prime target for a bomb…” Damian left his sentence hanging, and across the city, the Batkids all shuddered. The last thing they needed was an Arkham breakout on Easter Sunday.
“Yeah…speaking of bombs…” Tim eyed the eggs he had collected, looking suspicious. “Has anyone actually found one yet?”
Everyone paused.
“No.”
“Uh uh.”
“Negative.”
“Nope.”
“Sorry, no.”
“Unfortunately, not.”
“Statistically speaking, one of us should have found one by now, right?” Tim asked, unable to shake the feeling that something was off.
“Possibly not. The letter didn’t specify how many bombs there were, only that there were bombs. Realistically, a serial bomber wouldn’t be able to make too many, which means only a fraction of the eggs are rigged at best.” Jason knawed at his lip, explaining his reasoning. “In order to be effective, and evenly cause chaos, without being detected, I’d say there are maybe fifty bombs, depending on the explosive device. It’d have to be pretty small to fit into the egg.”
“Grenades would fit.”
“Flashbangs too.”
“Smoke bombs.”
“I’m just saying,” Jason cut in after having been interrupted. “There can’t be that many, but there’s a whole lotta eggs we’ve gotta check. To be sure, we need to check them all.”
“Hood’s right.” Dick nodded. “We can’t expect to see them right away.”
Tim sighed, still unable to dismiss his suspicions. “Fine." And then to tack on to the earlier conversation, he smirked. "We have a hundred now by the way.”
Squawks of outrage echoed over the comms.
The sun was rising over the city, and the heroes were still checking eggs.
“Y’know, at the start,” Stephanie panted, sighing over the comms. “But after a while, this is getting old.” Between herself and Cass, they'd located and checked nearly three thousand eggs, and there were still multiple city blocks to go. People were starting to go about their business, and many had already raised an eyebrow at the sight of vigilantes all over the city, looking for Easter eggs.
“Speak for yourself.” Duke argued, sounding impossibly awake. “This is fun!”
“Did you stop for breakfast, Signal?” Hood narrowed his eyes.
“No…we’ve just been consuming our candy stash.” Duke replied happily, munching on more candy.
“Thomas, the mission objective was to put the eggs back!”
“Yeeeh, ‘gh got tha…” Duke answered with his mouth full, deliberately pissing Damian off. “Bu ‘m not takin’ the can-y ou’ff the eggs. Jus’ ea-ing the can-y I alree ‘ave.”
“Signal has a point. We’ve been carrying around all this spare candy in case we find bombs, but the suns up, and no bombs yet. Why shouldn’t we eat some?” Tim asked.
“Because you’ll ruin your diets and Alfred will be mad?” Jason reasoned, disengaging his helmet to pop a chocolate in his mouth.
“Ummm…is anyone else being followed?” Dick asked, changing the topic of conversation.
“Followed? Do you need backup?” Damian asked, going alert.
“Not like that…but by kids?” Dick tried to explain, looking embarrassed despite the fact no one could see him. “The egg hunt has started. They’ve figured out we’re looking for eggs.”
“Fuck.” Jason swore, embarrassedly glancing around for prying eyes, narrowing his eyes as two street children ducked behind a trash can, pretending like they weren’t also looking for eggs. “Anyone found any bombs yet?”
“Still no.” Dick said, sounding suspicious himself now. “I’ve checked 80% of the buildings in Old Gotham, and not a single one has had anything but a candy or a toy in it.”
“Amusement Mile has been thoroughly checked, and Superboy and I have already done a cursory scan of Arkham island. Nothing so far.” Damian reported.
“Coventry has been clean,” Jason admitted. “I was gonna check the Heights after this.”
“The Diamond District is good, and we’re about halfway through Otisburg.” Stephanie checked in, looking over at Cass, who was licking a lollipop whilst listening in.
“New Gotham is good,” Duke sighed, feeling somewhat disappointed and also relieved. He was just about to grapple up the next building when someone tapped his leg.
Looking down, a little girl stared nervously back, holding a pink Easter basket, with two eggs rocking around in the bowl. She pointed at an egg that Duke had already checked, sat innocuously on top of a bush, clenching and unclenching her little fingers in a grabbing motion.
“Can you help me, Mr. Signal?” She asked with a slight lisp, smiling to reveal a missing front tooth.
“You want the egg?” Duke asked, smiling back. The girl nodded, and Duke reached over to pick it up, and handed it to her to drop in her basket. She took the egg, but before he could pull his hand away, she grabbed it, holding tight to his fingers.
“More.” She demanded, giggling.
“Uh, guys, I uh…I have company now too.” Duke called out over comms, and he could hear faint laughter coming from Barbara.
“Just don’t bring her home like Batman would. That goes for you too as well, Wing.” Barbara teased. “Red Robin, have you found anything?”
“No. I’ve deployed Bart, Kon, and Cassie to take over my section, and I’m rerouting back to the cave.” Tim reported, ditch. “I wanna take a look at that threat letter for myself, see if Batman missed anything, and check in on his progress.”
“That’s a good point,” Stephanie wondered aloud. “Has anyone even seen Batman tonight? He was supposed to be investigating the villain. I would’ve thought one of us caught a sighting by now. These guys usually try to interfere after we get involved.”
“No…” Tim trailed off. “I haven’t. O, has Batman left the Cave?”
“Batman has left the planet.” Barbara responded, sounding far too proud of herself. “He took off the minute you lot were out of sight.”
“WHAT?” Jason shouted, wincing as the two kids following him scampered off.
“This was a setup.” Tim concluded. “Was this entire case for US?”
“Correct, Master Timothy.” Alfred’s voice echoed over the comms. “And frankly, I am surprised it took you this long to reach such a conclusion.”
“Wait…what?” Steph asked, feeling confused.
“You were right.” Tim explained, pulling up outside the Batcave. “The city doesn’t have the resources to hide thousands of eggs…but WE does. He had the candy, he had the manpower…”
“And he had the perfect fucking excuse.” Jason swore. “There were never any bombs, were there?” Jason directed the question at Alfred and Barbara, who seemed to already know the answers.
“Nope. But it was fun watching you guys look. Plus, you’ve made it onto the news. Bats Go Bunny-hunting. The Batwatch has been keeping tabs on all of you, and posts on social media about the eggs you guys have found, and who picked it up after have been circulating.” Barbara explained, selecting a piece of candy from her stash to chew on.
Dick rolled his eyes, relaying the discovery onto to Wally and Donna, both of them dissolving into giggling messes. Even Roy was cracking a smile at Jason’s expense.
“So…what do we do now?” Damian asked, feeling unsure. “Do we stop? Let the kids find them on their own?”
“Hell no.” Dick retorted. “I have a better idea. Clark, do you still have those bunny ears?”
-
Three days later…
Bruce snuck into the cave with all of the covert skills he’d learned over the years, fully expecting to find one or more of his children lying in wait. The Easter deception had likely been discovered by now, and Bruce was sure retaliation would follow.
But the Cave was dark and empty.
Frowning, Bruce walked up to the computer, waking it up from standby mode, wondering if something had happened to pull their attention elsewhere, only to find a tab open, from the Gotham Gazette website. The headline, “Heroes Go A-Hunting”, was cheesy, and Bruce was not even a little surprised to see Vicky Vale’s name in the by-line, but when he scrolled down the article, he was forced to stop short.
Because the first thing on the article was a picture…
A selfie of Batman…
With plush bunny ears on his head.
Surrounded by all of his children, holding Easter baskets, each of them trying their best to hold up two fingers behind “Bruce’s” head. Behind them, Clark, Jon, the Titans, and Young Justice were also posing for the camera, holding aloft baskets of eggs to give to a cluster of kids surrounding the capes. Underneath the photo, a quote from Red Hood (goddamnit Jason, Bruce thought) read "Batman was too busy at the start to join, the coward, but we got him involved in the end, just in time to hand out candy to everyone who'd been out looking with us."
“I did not think this through.” He muttered, looking aghast at the photo, trying to figure out who they’d gotten to wear his suit. The likeness certainly resembled him, and it was hard to tell, which admittedly had been the whole point of his cowl, and Bruce internally cursed at that feature now being used against him.
“You sure didn’t.” Dick popped up out of nowhere, startling Bruce due to his silent entrance.
“How did you…when did you…why is…who is…” Bruce tried to calm his racing heart, eyes dancing around to try and spot the other kids as he struggled to finish a single question, but they still remained suspiciously absent.
“The how and who are something you’ll have to figure out on your own. Just like we did after hours of searching for eggs.” Dick’s mouth quirked up into a smile. “When? Around 8 o’clock in the morning, Easter Sunday…after hours of searching for eggs. And why?”
Dick grinned maliciously.
“For the same reason you set us up.”
Bruce inhaled sharply, closing his eyes in resignation.
“It’ll be fun to watch the aftermath.” Dick skipped away, pausing before he reached the cave stairs. “Have fun regaining your street cred, Bunny-Man. Also, we’re still working our way through the candy. You can coordinate with Alfred to tag-team the sugar high, but if you need anything, don't ask the rest of us. They only answer to me this week.”
For a moment, Bruce genuinely considered going back up into space. He then thought against it, knowing Alfred would likely not forgive him if he ducked out once more, and dealing with the butler's wrath would certainly make the effort hardly worth it. But Bruce looked back up at the computer screen, noticing the huge smiles on his children’s faces, and softened, the regret and anxiety slowly ebbing away at the rare sight.
Maybe some of it had still been worth it after all.