Chapter Text
My world had suddenly gotten accustomed to darkness. Ever since the fight in the ring, ever since those bastards pummeled down at me, my vision blurred leaving my last sight to be a picture of a very shaken up and scared bumseok and ever since then only darkness persisted. For a while I could hear nothing, then a faint far-away beeping of a machine, then it got louder and clearer, as though it were right beside me. Then I could hear the pitiful voice of my grandmother, who'd stay by my side, wipe my face clean of any grime or sweat, sweep my hair off my face, put my blanket upright, I could always tell it was her, even though I could see nothing but darkness.
The only other voice I could hear for a long time was of nurses and doctors, usually they'd tell my grandmother of my medical condition, sometimes they'd reassure her of my waking up, other times they'd tell her to be ready for the worst. I often found myself lost in the crowd of these voices, I was searching for a voice I wished to hear, but it's absence made me search for it in my dreams and my memories, until one day,
“Suho-ya”
it was only a single word and my heart shattered into a million pieces. Sieun sounded so broken and hurt, out of instinct alone I wished I could engulf him in a warm hug, trapping him in my embrace until he finally showed me that heart-wrenching smile yet again. But my body did not allow any of my instincts to take over, I laid there frozen, not a tear I could shed, not a smile to assure my dear friend that it truly wasn't his fault.
“I'm sorry, for everything.” I could hear and feel him breaking down in tears, his constant sniffling and the way his head laid on the bed right next to my hand, so close yet so far. It would take only a single swift motion to pat his head, to lift his head up by his chin, to wrap him in my arms, but I was unable to even open my eyes to have a good look at Sieun's face.
“Are you Suho's friend?” I could feel sieun scrambling to his feet and wiping his tears away vigorously at my grandma's question.
After a beat of silence, meekly Sieun gave my grandmother a positive reply, which resulted in her beaming voice asking him for more details, but Sieun only greeted her goodbye and took his leave abruptly.
How cute. How Sieun of him to do that. If I could laugh right now I would.
Sieun visited me every night, without fail, he would silently sit across my bed at odd times of the night. I could tell since the rounds the nurses do are every other hour, the shift happens after midnight and everytime Sieun visited, the nurse would always have been switched to the night shift one.
At first it was hard to tell if he was even there, he'd sit there, only the sound of the beeping of the machine being interrupted by the screech of the chair he'd pull to sit would denote his presence. He'd sit still for god knows how long, until the second screech of the chair, then he'd be on his way.
“Suho-ya I've recently joined a new school. It's called Eunjang High.” This was the first time I'd heard his voice ever since the last time he'd called out his name.
“I don't really want to study that much anymore, what's the point? You probably didn't know this but I only studied so that my mom would be proud of me, that she'd look my way. But now …. All this seems so… meaningless. I live with my mom now, she's still as busy as ever, but when she's with me she pretends like she isn't scared of me, of what I did, but I can tell. She's tired and disappointed, I can tell.”
That's not true Sieun, there's nothing you could do to ever disappoint anyone. I mean, straight A student, diligent, hardworking and smart. You've got it all, was what I wanted to say… but as though my throat had been filled with sand and my eyes glued shut, I couldn't even muster a sigh.
“Oh you don't know right? Why did I change schools? Well I was suspended. For.. school violence.
What?? What did he mean by that? Did he … did he take those bastards all alone? For me? If I could feel even more helpless and selfish, I was feeling it now. Not only had I not been able to hurt those who hurt my Sieun, I'd even started this vicious cycle of him hurting them and getting hurt in the process, I'd crippled him mentally by getting him to do this to himself.
Sometimes I'd regretted being able to listen in like this, it made me feel like an object, a tree, or a a vase on the corner table, an unfeeling object that just takes and takes and takes without being able to wipe the tears off my grandma's face, without being able to hold sieun in my arms, without being able to tell both of them that I was fine, without being able to tell sieun that it wasn't his fault.
But mostly I was thankful. Thankful to be able to hear him like this, talk his heart out, about what had happened, what he felt like, about his wishes and his problems. I was eternally grateful for the usefulness of my ears, it triumphed over the inability of the rest of my body.
“Today was my first day in the new school. It's like people like to test my patience here, but thankfully nothing happened. I controlled myself, I didn't let anything happen.”
Sieun gingerly held my hand as he spoke, it seemed he realised only after a while that he was holding my hand so he gently placed it on top of my other hand neatly on top of my torso. The warmth of his hand remained in my hand until the next night he came over.
Sieun would now hold my hand consciously, he'd trail his finger on my palm, making letters sometimes, mostly it would just be my own name, sometimes his, as he talked.
“I can't really sleep anymore, suho, even with the sleeping pills. I know it's physically impossible not to, but I can't sleep at all. So I wonder, when will you wake up suho-ya? I wish you'd wake up soon, I… really can't take this anymore.”
Sieun squeezed my hand tightly at that, and I could do nothing but lay there… listening to the person dearest to my heart's earnest plea, their call for help and I couldn't even twitch my finger, I couldn't shed a tear, couldn't twist my mouth into a smile. I just laid there, hollow being, I could feel myself rotting away a little every time sieun opened his heart like while I laid immovable.
“Suho-ya I think I messed up… I called someone a coward. I told them that they're just wishing the problem would solve itself, even though they know the answer. But really suho… I'm the biggest coward here. I'm still stuck, I keep just looking away, closing myself off… I keep waiting. I will keep waiting suho ya but I want to be someone you'll recognize too, not what I've become right now.”
The creaking of the chair meant he was going to leave, but the shift of the weight of my bed told me another story. Sieun gingerly laid next to me. For a moment I could tell he was holding his breath, completely still, so as to not disturb my slumber. Then he laid on his side, by the way I could feel his breath on my neck I could tell he was facing me. He gently cupped my cheek with his hand, turning my head towards him. And for the entirety of the time he laid, I could tell he was looking at my face, his hand would trace my facial features, tread lightly over my eyes, my nose, he touch my hair ruffling it slightly, his hand trailed across my face and so did his eyes, I could tell… I always could.
Sieun laid next to me everytime he visited now, which seemed to be lesser than before, and even though I missed him, I was much happier. Could he perhaps sleep these days? Or maybe he's taking school seriously again? Maybe he'd made friends? Any of those possibilities seemed better than him being stuck laying beside a ghost of his past. But I welcomed his arms on top of me every time he'd laid next to me. Sieun now talked a lot more.
His hand seemed calloused as he trailed it over my face, his voice which always seemed raspy now seemed just a little happier, even though what he said continued to be a little ambiguous for me to understand.
“Suho ya, I'm sorry. I got into another fight.” He whispered into my ear, now if I wasn't completely limp all over, I'd definitely feel.. something else if he whispered into my ear like that. “I didn't want .. my .. friend.. no, a classmate of mine to suffer anymore, so I stepped in. But I didn't even need to do much, someone else stepped in. Maybe he'd done some taekwondo before this, his kick seemed pretty professional.”
Sieun went deep into thought at that and subconsciously trailed his hands over my chest, and I could feel myself weakly mustering a smile, I felt it, I could feel my mouth twitching. I wouldn't let myself be a ghost in your past much longer, sieun. I'll meet these friends myself, we'd goof off in school, we'd eat lunch together, I'd drop you off at your academy and you'd come visit me at my part time job. I won't remain laying down here forever Sieun, I'm going to stand on my feet soon. I'll come running to you whenever you call for me. I'm going to be right next to you, no matter what.
The next time Sieun came over, he wordlessly got into the bed and kept his head on my chest. I could tell he was going to say something but stopped when there was a rhythmic tap at the door, the way Sieun’s body froze up told me he recognized the person out there and that they were bad news. Again all I could do was lay there, as he scrambled away from my chest, stomping his foot, he opened the door and in a low voice let out,
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“Ahh so this is where you go every night? To your little sleeping prince?” The voice was dripping in both amusement and venom. I knew what kind of bastard this was… and still I could lift a finger, much less get myself to stand up, and create a wall between the two, guarding Sieun, like I usually did.
“Follow me” the other guy bit out, and with just a moment's hesitation, Sieun left.
Sieun didn't come back after that. I waited and waited for the night to come where he laid on my chest and ran his fingers through my hair again, but he never came. Did something happen that night? Is he hurt? This was different from the previous infrequency, this time sieun just didn't show up at all, but before this whenever he came he seemed at least a little bit brighter, a little bit more happier.
And so it dawned on me, if I continued to lay here and do nothing, if I continued to just keep waiting, I would never be able to stand next to Sieun again, I wouldn't be able to hold his hand and tell him, to hug him, to hold him tightly and to tell him. Tell him how much Sieun means to me, how much time I wasted in indifference, in fear, to tell him how much.. I like him, how much I want to hold and kiss him. I was a coward, I didn't want our friendship to end, but now, now if I wasted more time being passive, I'll miss him forever. I'll only become a painful fragment of his past, or a fucking life lesson. And I refuse to be just that.
With all my might I laid there trying to recreate the twitch of my mouth, the very one that Sieun's laying on my side had brought upon, I tried to twitch my finger, to open my eyes, to wriggle my toes, to do something. The beeping of the machine got restless and loud, my ears started to ring and there was chaos in my room once again. A storm of nurses rushed in, a doctor barking orders. Was I finally about to wake up?
The next time I could hear again was Sieuns voice again, he seemed to have been talking for a while, but I could make out I'd started listening midway. Sieun laid next to me, but I could feel his clothes, they resembled mine, his voice weary yet strong. I wish I could have a look at his face, a tear trickled down onto my face, it was Sieun's, he then lowered his lips onto my forehead, and planted a soft kiss.
“I miss you Suho-ya, I was so scared today. But I know I'm not alone anymore. I just realised I'd forgotten so much of what you taught me, how good it was to have friends, to have company. I know you'll wake up soon and I'll be right here. Waiting for you.”
Sieun pressed his lips on my cheeks and he sat next to me, staring at my face for a while, before I could hear his footsteps receding.
I'm waiting for you too, Sieun. I'm waiting to be able to walk towards you again, to look you in the eye, to tell you so many things. You don't have to wait for much longer my love. I won't let you.
The darkness around my eyes seemed lighter, so it was morning now. The curtains were drawn to let some sunlight in, and I did what I usually did, tried to open my eyes but this time, jt seemed painful to, like my eyes were glued shut, oh fuck this, I forced them open…. And so they did. The sudden intake of light made my eyes close shut as a reflex but.. wait… did I just… open my eyes??
In utter disbelief I opened my eyes again, the grime on the rim of my eyes was what had made its opening so painful I opened my mouth and made a painfully raspy noise, I blinked several times… this was real. I was awake. I made some more groans, loud enough to attract a nurse's attention
I nervously sat there, in my wheelchair. My breathing unstable, my heart pounding out of my chest. I kept wiping my sweaty palms on my pants and kept adjusting my position again and again. I was going to keep it cool, I am unfazed, I am unbothered. I am cool. I'm going to be the coolest version of me that Sieun's ever met.
From a distance I could tell it was him, running full speed ahead towards me, the first glimpse I'd caught of him in an entire years time. He'd gotten tanner, his lips still chapped, his hair slightly grown out, he looked fiercer and somehow also at peace. He seemed happy as he ran, three boys ran behind him, all smiling and cheering him as he did.
And so he came, running from quite a distance I could tell, he stood there looking at me in awe and disbelief but mostly relief spread across his face. I turned towards him in faux nonchalance,
“You're here?” Fuck?? What the hell was I even saying, every fiber of my being just wanted to lunge onto him and hug him till eternity but THAT was what I could muster.
“Yeah” Sieun looked at me, he's eyes brimming up with tears, but the corner of his mouth twitching upwards
“And who are those dudes behind you?” Three guys stood behind sieun, the taller one with a beaming reassuring smile (swear I've seen him somewhere), the shortest one with tears in his eyes and the one in the middle wrapping his arms around the small one and looking at Sieun's back with a smile.
“They're my friends.”
“That's nice.” I smiled at him, fuck nonchalance, i smiled at him the biggest smile I've ever given anyone, and he gave one back to me me. With tears in his eyes and mine, and the three dudes in the back as well, I spread my arms open, an invitation for a hug and Sieun ran right into me, crumbling into my arms as I embraced him, and in an instant both of us were bawling, and so were his friends.
Sieun broke the hug to look at me, his eyes filled with so much light, cheesing smile so bright and I could see his teeth, his tanned face, his chapped lips, I could see it all, I could feel it, I could finally see him. I could keep seeing my Sieun.
The smile he gave me was mine to begin with and now so were the friends he did.
What's yours is mine, and mine yours Sieun.