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Haise was staring forlornly at the reports in front of him. He had been working all day (more like all day, every day for the past two weeks) and was no closer to coming to any conclusions behind a series of recent, ghoul-related deaths, other than the fact that the ghoul was probably really hungry.
“Maybe if they gave some more evidence!” He shouted out loud to an empty room. Great, now he was talking to himself. But it was true; no one else could solve this case because there was almost nothing to go on. Finally, they had shunted the work off to him after three different squads had given up. There were a few snide remarks that not-so-subtly implied that he should be able to solve it because he was a ghoul and he knew how they thought.
He had pretended not to notice it, but even now he felt a rush of anger every time he remembered their sneering, smug faces. And now he was stuck. If he didn’t solve it, he would be treated to comments about how the CCG’s pet ghoul wasn’t so special after all, if he did, then he just confirmed that he could only solve it because he knew how ghouls thought.
He groaned, taking off his glasses and rubbing his tired eyes. Maybe he should give up for tonight and just get some sleep. It would probably be better than drinking what would be his eighth cup of coffee that night.
“You still up?” He heard Hide’s voice behind him.
“Unfortunately.”
“Is it that complicated a case?” Hide walked up behind him and looked over his shoulder. Haise shuffled his papers hastily.
Hide grinned. “I keep telling you that you should let me help. I’m pretty good at figuring stuff like this out.”
“And I keep telling you,” Haise said wearily, “That I can’t let a civilian look at confidential CCG information.”
“So don’t let me,” Hide said. “Just sort of forget to lock them up one day, and oh no, I look in your desk drawer for a stapler and find a bunch of papers…”
“No,” Haise replied shortly. He put his papers in the drawer and made absolutely sure to lock the drawer and put his key in his pocket.
“Just trying to help,” he ruffled Haise’s hair and Haise shrugged him off, pretending to be irritated. “What’s with this case anyway?”
“There’s not nearly enough evidence to actually solve it, they’re just giving it to me because they hate me,” he hadn’t meant for that to sound so pathetic.
Hide look surprised “I’m sure they don’t hate you, Haise…”
“No, they definitely do. Well, not all of them,” he corrected. “Akira and Arima like me. I think. Akira hits me sometimes,” That didn’t sound any better. “Uh, most CCG agents don’t like working with ghouls. I can’t say I blame them, “ he added with a nervous laugh.
All that just left Hide looking very concerned, not to mention a little sad.
“Look, don’t worry about that,” Haise waved his hand dismissively and stood up. “I’m just going to go to sleep and then deal with this in the morning…”
“Are you really? Or are you going to get up in the middle of the night to work on it again and then pretend you just got up ten minutes before everyone else when we see you in the morning?”
Haise blushed guiltily. “Ah, you noticed that?”
“I keep telling you, I’m a master investigator,” Hide deadpanned. “I also sleep in the same bed as you, I notice when you leave, idiot. Your room is freezing without you warming me up.”
Going slightly redder, Haise said “Uh, sorry about that?”
“Whatever, I just want you to relax for once.”
“Well that’s not going to happen until this case is solved, which is looking like never, so…”
“That’s not acceptable,” Hide said firmly. “If you’re not going to relax, then I’m going to make you relax!”
“And how are you going to do that?” Haise folded his arms defiantly. “Take away my key so I can’t get to my papers?” Seized by panic he added, “Oh my God, please don’t actually do that I need those…”
“I won’t do that,” Hide said. “You can work on that report all you want tomorrow, even if I doubt you’ll get anywhere. But tomorrow night, you’re mine.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m taking you out? What does it sound like?” When he saw Haise’s skeptical look he said, “Come on, we haven’t been on a date in forever.”
“Fine,” Haise relented. “But I can’t be out long…”
“Yeah, yeah, just trust me.”
That didn’t fill Haise with much confidence.
***
The next day, as promised, Hide let him work without interrupting him except to bring him a cup of coffee. Hide had been right. He didn’t get anywhere in his work. He was tempted to rip the reports apart into tiny pieces and bring them into the CCG, and sprinkle them in the lobby like confetti.
Haise was enjoying his stupid fantasy when Hide walked in.
“That’s it. You’re done,” Hide announced.
“What makes you think that?” Haise said.
“Well, when I walked in here you were staring at yours papers and laughing pretty menacingly.”
“Oh,” he hadn’t even noticed he was laughing. “Yeah, I’m done.”
“I was going to stop you soon anyway,” Hide said. “It’s almost ten.”
“Is it?” Haise checked the clock on the wall. As usual, he’d lost track of time.
“And now, you are mine,” Hide grinned.
“And where exactly are you planning on taking me?” Haise raised his eyebrows.
“Oh, you’ll see!”
A few minutes later. Haise had on his coat and scarf, and gloves (Hide said they would be outside a lot, and it was freezing).
“Ready to go?” Hide asked.
“Not until you put on a scarf!” Haise didn’t even give Hide a chance to protest, and wrapped the scarf around Hide’s neck himself.
“You’re such a mom,” Hide rolled his eyes.
“It’s cold,” Haise defended himself, though he went slightly pink at Hide’s words.
“Are you smiling because I just called you a mom?”
“N-no!”
“Lies! You totally are!” Hide shouted triumphantly. “You’re too cute.”
“Let’s just go,” Haise grumbled.
“Sure,” Hide said, though he swooped in to kiss Haise on the cheek before opening the door. Haise tried to move out of the way to punish Hide for his mom comment, but Hide just missed and kissed him on the nose instead.
“Cute,” smirked Hide. And he opened the door, gesturing for Haise to go first.
Hide didn’t allow Haise to ask any questions. After taking quite a few buses, they were now walking silently on an almost-empty sidewalk. It was cold and late enough that few people were out, and the few who were out were quick to get inside. Which is where Haise dearly wished he was now.
“How much longer?”
“Five minutes.”
Haise sincerely hoped they were going somewhere warm.
Five minutes later, it turned out that they were not going somewhere warm.
“We’re here!” Hide announced, stopping seemingly at random.
Haise looked around. Aside from the park across the street, there was nothing here except a quiet, residential area.
“Uh, where?”
“There!” Hide pointed at the park.
“The park,” Haise repeatedly blankly. He was half –considering turning back and telling Hide to find his own way home.
“Oh don’t look like that,” Hide said. “It’ll be fun.”
“I’m freezing,” Haise said. “Can’t we go get a coffee like normal people?”
“That’s boring, and I think you drink enough coffee” Hide grabbed Haise’s wrist. “I’ll warm you up!” Without warning, he took off running, pulling a very reluctant Haise with him.
Out of breath, they finally stopped at a playground.
“Is this our date?” Haise looked at the abandoned swing set and jungle gym without much enthusiasm.
“Trust me,” Hide panted. “Just, uh, let me catch my breath.”
“Hmm,” Haise looked at the playground again; there was a nagging feeling at the back of his mind that he tried to ignore. This place felt oddly familiar.
He hated that feeling.
Hide caught his breath, and led Haise over to the swings.
“No,” Haise said immediately.
“Come on!” Hide patted the swing. “I’ll push you.”
“Words cannot express how dumb I think this is.”
Hide didn’t move from his spot behind the swing. Figuring he might as well get it over with quickly so he could maybe convince Hide to buy him coffee after, Haise sat down with a sigh. The seat was somehow colder than the night air.
As much as Haise was determined to not enjoy this, the second he felt Hide’s hands on his back he felt, once again, that odd sensation of familiarity and nostalgia. Haise had no memory of ever being on a swing, he must have been here in his past life.
Not my past life, he corrected himself, reluctantly picturing the white-haired man who lived in his mind. His.
That rather unpleasant thought aside, he couldn’t help but feel an odd sense of comfort as he resigned himself to being pushed by Hide like a child. It was like reliving a childhood memory (and he supposed he kind of was). It was nice.
Or would have been if Hide could actually move him more than a few centimeters.
“Having difficulties, are we?” Haise asked.
“You’re heavier than I thought,” Hide admitted.
“Or I am an adult and not meant to be pushed on a swing.”
“Maybe if you helped by swinging your legs…”
“I refuse to help with this madness,” Haise was sure Hide could hear the laughter in his voice, as much as he tried to suppress it.
“Fine,” Hide grumbled. Haise heard him take a few steps backwards, and barely had time to prepare himself before Hide ran at him and pushed in an attempt to get more momentum.
It nearly knocked Haise off the swing, but it did at least get him to move (and swing his legs so that Hide would never do that again).
Haise felt ridiculous. If anyone saw this, he thought he might actually die of embarrassment. He was grateful that the park was deserted but he couldn’t help but think the sight of two adults playing in a park late at night, in the winter, would creep people out. He hoped it wouldn’t creep them out enough to call the police. If he got arrested, he would have to call Akira to bail him out. Except he wouldn’t. Because he would already be dead of embarrassment-
“Haise,” Hide said, giving him a firm push. “You’re worrying about things again, I can tell. Just… try to have fun.”
“Easy for you to say,” Haise said.
“Yep,” Hide replied. “Try to have fun.”
Haise did try to relax. As the swing gained momentum Haise had to admit that it was kind of fun. When he stopped worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong, he enjoyed himself (who could have guessed). His feelings of nostalgia returned when he stopped worrying as well, and for once he decided to not fight it off. It wasn’t hurting anything to feel like he’d once had fun, and may have even had a friend, in a past life that he was sure didn’t have much joy.
“Want me to push you higher?” Hide shouted.
“Go for it,” Haise replied. Hide really was acting like a kid, and as always his enthusiasm was infectious.
He grinned as he flew higher, though the cold night air made his face go numb. He thought he should probably stop this soon, and found he didn’t really want to.
As soon as he thought that, the scene before him dissolved. He had a clear vision of another night, much warmer than this one, but equally calm and still. He knew he was himself, but different, seeing the park through his own eyes years before he had lost his memories. He seemed to be wearing an ill-fitting school uniform, and he felt hands on his back, smaller but unmistakably Hide’s…
Just like that, the memory faded and he was returned to his own senses. Normally, brief flashes of memory were disorienting and gave him a headache, but that had felt a bit like getting into a warm bath. He found that his grip hadn’t even slackened on the chains of the swing.
He felt Hide’s hands on his back again.
Did you bring me here before? Haise wanted to ask, though he didn’t want to know the answer.
“Hide!” Haise shouted. “My face is going numb!”
“Is that your way of saying you’re done?”
“Yes!”
Hide stopped pushing and Haise slowly came to a stop.
“Well,” Hide demanded. “Admit it, it was fun, wasn’t it?”
“Mmm,” Haise mumbled, refusing to let Hide think he had won.
“Come on, “ Hide wrapped his arms around Haise from behind, leaning down to rest his head on Haise’s shoulder. “Admit it!”
“All right, all right,” Haise sighed. “It was fun, now can we please go somewhere warm?”
“Aw you can’t possibly be cold with me warming you up,” Hide held him tighter and pressed his cheek against Haise’s.
Haise’s face was indeed getting very warm.
“A-anyway,” Haise coughed. “Shall we head off?”
Hide let him go and straightened up, “Yeah, I guess.” He sounded like he didn’t want to.
Haise got up from the swing. He and Hide walked together, but they didn’t get very far before Hide grinned wickedly and dashed away from him, right to the jungle gym.
“Hide!” Haise cried in exasperation, as Hide scrambled to the top of the jungle gym. “Get back here!”
“I’m disappointed in your reflexes,” Hide called. “I would think a fancy CCG investigator would have been able to catch me…”
“That’s not-” Haise started, but he stopped himself when he realized that Hide was kind of right. Hide burst out laughing.
“Come and get me!” Hide called.
Haise stomped towards the jungle gym. “Get down here this instant.” He was beginning to see what Hide meant when he called him a mom.
Hide merely grinned, leaving Haise no choice but to crawl up the stupid jungle gym himself.
“Satisfied?” He demanded when he got to the top and sat down beside Hide.
“Very.” Seeing the murderous look on Haise’s face he added “Some quiet time will do you good, you know.”
“Why here?” Haise grumbled.
“Well, it’s pretty quiet, right?” Though Haise noticed he didn’t quite look him in the eye as he said it.
They sat in silence a few moments. Haise was startled when Hide put his hand on his, but he couldn’t say he didn’t enjoy it. For the second time that night, Haise had to begrudgingly admit that Hide was right. It was nice to sit together quietly like this, with Hide’s warm hand on his own.
And then the scene was different. It was once again a warmer night, and he was wearing a school uniform. Hide was no longer holding his hand, but was sitting close by him and talking animatedly (though Haise couldn’t make out the words). Hide wore the same uniform he did, and God he looked so young…
Haise felt an odd joy as he listened to Hide talk about something long-forgotten, he got the sense that this was routine for them, and they were both content as they sat side by side.
The joy he was feeling as a result of his memory faded all too quickly as he returned to reality. There could be no doubt that Hide (who was still holding Haise’s hand) had taken him to this park before.
“Hide,” Haise tried to keep his tone light, but he was sure some of the anger he felt was showing in his voice regardless. “Did you, by any chance, bring me here because we’ve been here before?”
Hide froze. So he was right.
“What do you mean?” Hide asked quickly.
“Oh, don’t play dumb,” Haise pulled his hand out of Hide’s grip. “I can tell we’ve been here before. Do you think I don’t recognize places, or…or get flashbacks?”
“Haise-”
“Or was that what you wanted?” Haise let his anger and his hurt spill out, he didn’t mean to sound so accusatory, but how else was he supposed to feel?
Hide looked shocked, “I would never do something like that!”
“Then what’s this about?” Haise demanded.
“I just wanted to make you happy!”
“By taking me to a place that would make me-”
“I said I wouldn’t try to make you remember!” Now Hide looked angry, and that caused Haise to lose what little remained of his calm.
“Good!” He shouted. “Because he’s gone and he’s not coming back!”
Hide went pale, he opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it. His eyes were sparkling with tears that he blinked back and Haise turned away, feeling tears in his own eyes and refusing to let them spill.
They sat in silence as still and cold as the night air.
“I know that,” Hide said suddenly.
“What?” Haise said sharply.
“I know he’s not coming back,” his voice broke a little on the last word, but the look in his eyes was hard. “You don’t have to remind me.”
Haise felt slightly ashamed of himself, but his anger hadn’t abated.
“Then why here?”
Hide looked so sad and so tired that Haise almost wished he hadn’t asked.
“We used to come here whenever… he was feeling upset and needed some time to get away,” He smiled and it looked pained and insincere. “I thought it would still make you feel better… I guess it was a bad idea.”
“I’m not like him,” Haise said simply.
Hide didn’t respond to that and Haise was left feeling a little like he was rubbing salt into Hide’s wound by saying what he had.
The Hide in Haise’s memories had been smiling and happy and full of life. Haise couldn’t help but feel a sickening stab of jealousy that Hide had looked so happy then, with him. Hide looked like he had aged so much more than the few years that had passed since that memory.
Did I do that to him? Haise wondered miserably.
“I know your memories are gone,” Hide said finally. “I know you’re not the same person. I know all that. That’s why I never expected that you would remember stuff by coming here. Especially not dumb stuff like this, with me.”
Haise frowned, “Why would you say that?”
“Well, stuff like this,” Hide waved his hand dismissively. “It’s not like it was important.”
“I remembered it,” Haise said, raising his eyebrows. “So it must have been important to me at some point.”
Hide looked like he didn’t believe him. Haise sighed and said “You really didn’t take me here to jog my memory.”
“I didn’t,” Hide said.
Haise smiled weakly. “I just… don’t want to think that you’re just with me to wait for him to come back or something. I’m not going to let him to come back. And… if you’re not here because you actually want-” He couldn’t quite bring himself to say me.
“How could you even think that?” Hide looked genuinely hurt.
Haise looked away, unsure of how to reply.
Hide tentatively put his arm around Haise’s shoulder. When Haise didn’t throw him off, he said, very gently “Hey, look at me.”
Haise turned to him. Hide’s face was very close to his own.
“Did you love him?” Haise blurted out.
“I did,” Hide said, without hesitation. “I… do. With all my heart. If you’re asking me to forget him, I can’t, and I won’t.”
“I wouldn’t ask for that,” Haise said in a small voice.
“And I also love you,” Hide said. “Not because of him. I love you for who you are now.”
Haise didn’t reply, Hide leaned closer and rested his forehead gently against Haise’s.
“I love you, Haise Sasaki,” Hide said.
Haise closed what little remained of the space between him and Hide, and kissed him softly on the mouth. He could feel Hide smiling against his mouth and couldn’t help but smile as well.
They broke apart, their cheeks were pink and they were both a little breathless.
“I love you too,” Haise said quietly.
Hide smiled. “Still, I’m sorry about all this.”
“Don’t be,” Haise said. “I did sort of… overreact. I should have known you wouldn’t do anything that would hurt me like that.”
Hide still looked unsure and Haise added, “Besides, aside from all that I did have a pretty nice time tonight.”
“You did?” Hide brightened considerably.
“Yes, and I would consider coming back here… when it’s warmer.”
“Fair enough,” Hide grinned. “Do you want to head back?”
“Wait,” Haise said.
“You’re the one who kept complaining about being cold!”
“I know but, uh, while we’re here there’s something I wanted to tell you.”
Hide looked confused, but waited silently for Haise to continue.
“It’s just… what you said earlier about not remembering stuff like this, with you, because it wasn’t important.”
“Forget about that, it’s not-”
“Just listen, please?” Haise said, cutting Hide off. “If you interrupt me, I’m going to lose my nerve,” Haise laughed nervously. Hide nodded.
Haise took a deep breath and said, “I did remember you, when I first met you.”
He was glad he told Hide not to interrupt, because it certainly looked like he wanted to but was stopping himself from speaking.
“I mean… I didn’t really recognize you entirely,” Haise went on, averting his eyes from Hide’s in a vain attempt to make it easier to talk, “But when I first saw you, I could tell I’d known you before. And that happens sometimes, but normally I try to ignore it because I don’t want to know. But with you I couldn’t do that. I felt like I had to get to know you, even if I should have probably stayed away. Seeing you made me really happy. And I even remembered stuff like coming here with you and normally I hate getting flashbacks but these were actually nice and not scary and-”
Haise knew he was rambling, so he just said, “Um, my point is that even if you don’t think this stuff what important. It was.”
Hide was still silent and Haise still wasn’t looking at him.
“Uh, Hide? You’re allowed to talk now,” Please say something right now.
Haise heard Hide sniff and whipped around to look at him in alarm.
Hide was crying. Tears were streaming down his face and he was making no attempt to hide them or stop them.
Haise, of course, panicked.
“Oh my god, Hide I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,” Haise searched his pockets frantically. “I don’t have any tissues, do you want to use my scarf to wipe your eyes or-”
“Haise,” Hide said. “It’s fine,” he gave Haise a watery smile and wiped his face with his sleeve. “Thank you for telling me that.”
When Haise still looked worried Hide said “Really… thank you.” He laughed shakily. “Tonight’s really been a rollercoaster of emotions. Let’s head back now for real, I don’t think either of us can handle much more of this.”
Haise laughed. “Yeah, let’s go home.”
The two took their time going home, despite the cold. Haise was grateful for the deserted streets and the empty buses. It made him feel like he and Hide were the only two people in the world, and they walked hand in hand until they finally made it back to the warmth of their home. They didn’t say much to each other as they got ready for bed (as quietly as possible, to make sure they didn’t wake up everyone else) and retreated under the warmth of Haise’s blankets, but it was the kind of silence that only happened when nothing truly needed to be said. Haise felt like a weight had been lifted from him, one that he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying until now. And, despite all that had happened tonight, he found he didn’t regret anything. Not going out with Hide, or finally giving voice to so many things that had been bothering him.
Hide sighed as he cuddled closer to Haise. Haise smiled gently and appreciated his warmth. And his last thought before he drifted off to sleep was that he was so grateful to be able to hold Hide