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Sam makes the decision to try therapy again after their daughter is born.
He’d begun contemplating it early in Rowena’s pregnancy- he knew that having a child changed even the most stable of relationships, and even years down the line, he knew his trauma always had a chance of rearing its head. The moment Ainsley had been placed in his arms, small and dependent and utterly perfect, had been the moment he decided it was time to try talking to someone again, despite how disastrous his last attempt at therapy had been.
It had taken a lot of time, and a hefty amount of research to find someone who wouldn’t turn tail the first time he opened his mouth. Garth had been the one to recommend Adele- a therapist who catered specifically to supernatural clientele without being one herself.
Sam’s apprehensive on his way to his first appointment, knee bouncing uncontrollably and fingers clenched into fists against his thighs. Adele- a tall brunette woman that looked like she had a chance at being able to toss Sam clear across the room if she so desired- is kind and open, listening to him introduce himself and explain why he’d decided to seek out her services.
The thirty minute session seems to fly by, and by the end of it Sam realizes he actually feels comfortable, leg no longer bouncing and his heart beating calmly, not smacking against his ribcage like when the appointment had started. It makes agreeing to another session easy, and suddenly he has a standing Wednesday appointment to return to Adele’s office.
“So, did you try the exercise we worked on last week?” Adele looks up from her notebook, tapping her pen against the paper as she peered at Sam from behind her glasses. Sam nods, blowing out a breath.
“Yeah- I, uh, think it helped, actually,” he replies, and Adele offers him a small smile of encouragement to keep talking. “It still takes me a little bit to fall asleep, even with Rowena next to me, but focusing on each muscle group until they relax has really helped me stay asleep longer each night.”
“That’s really good, Sam,” Adele makes a note in her notebook. “How have the nightmares been?”
“Only one this week,” he answers, and Adele nods, making another note. Sam’s nightmares had returned with a vengeance after Ainsley’s birth, despite their daughter being perfectly healthy and a happy baby. Dreams about Ainsley being hurt, about losing both her and Rowena to some tragic accident, of Sam waking up in a lonely bed, the last years some kind of dream- they’d plagued him every night, causing him to wake up panicked and shaking until Rowena was able to return him to reality.
“What was the nightmare about?” Adele presses, and Sam swallows against the dryness in his throat.
“The same one- Ainsley in her crib, the yellow eyed demon dripping blood into her mouth and forcing her to drink it,” he replies, voice rough. “I’m standing there, frozen, until something drips on my face, and I look up to realize Rowena is on the ceiling, bleeding out.”
Just like his mom. Just like Jess.
“What wakes you up?” Adele asks, and Sam takes a deep breath, palms gripping his knees through his jeans.
“Sometimes it’s Ro’s voice,” he confesses, shrugging a shoulder. “Sometimes I’m able to remind myself that Azazel is gone, has been dead for years, and there’s no way he’ll ever be able to touch my daughter. That she’ll never be hurt the way I was.”
Adele studies him for a few moments, considering him thoughtfully. “That’s important to you. Ainsley not growing up the way you did.”
Sam nods.
“I want her to get to be able to just be a kid,” he replies, clearing his throat against the emotion that threatens to clog it. “To grow up knowing she’s loved, that all her parents want from her is for her to be happy and herself- to never have to be weighed down by impossible expectations.”
He rubs at the back of his neck with the flat of his palm.
“That’s really why I keep coming back,” he lets a quiet laugh slip. “I want to be better…well, I guess, for her.”
Adele’s answering smile is soft.
“I think you’re doing it for yourself, too, Sam,” she tells him. “We’ve been doing this for a few months now, and you’ve really made some great progress- I can see how much easier it is for you to be open and honest about how things make you feel.”
The corner of Sam’s mouth twitches upwards, and he inclines his head in acknowledgement. “Yeah- yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Adele chuckles, and shuts her notebook, leaning her elbows against the edge of her desk.
“Well, time’s up for us unfortunately, but I’m really impressed with you, Sam,” Adele says, and Sam flushes a little in embarrassment despite himself. “Same time next week?”
Sam nods, pushing himself to stand, and Adele walked him to the office door, opening it towards the waiting room. Sam’s mouth curls upward at the sight of Rowena, Ainsley’s carrier at her feet and a book in her hands as she waited for him.
“Have a nice week, Sam,” Adele says before smiling at Rowena as the redhead stood to greet Sam, slipping her book back into her bag.
“You too, Adele,” Sam says, stepping back into the waiting room so she could shut the office door behind him. Rowena smiled up at him as he moved to her side, bending to kiss her briefly before he peered into Ainsley’s carrier, the baby still conked out in a nap.
“Good session?” Rowena asks, and Sam nods as he picks up Ainsley’s carrier, his other hand slipping into Rowena’s as they head for the exit.
“Dean and Cas still coming over for dinner?” he asks once they’re back in the car and pulling out of the parking lot.
“Dean said they’ll be over around six,” Rowena answers, opening her phone to reread his brother’s text. “They’re bringing Chinese.”
“He better bring extra spring rolls,” Sam says, and Rowena rolled her eyes in amusement, but her fingers fly across the screen, clearly informing his brother of his request.
“Anything else?” Rowena asks, arching an eyebrow, and Sam shakes his head as he stops at a red light.
“Just this,” he says, and leans in- steals a kiss from her, feeling her mouth quirk upwards. “Thanks for coming with me tonight.”
“Of course, Samuel,” Rowena replied, squeezing his fingers within her own over the gearshift. “Whenever you’d like me there, I’ll be there.”
Warmth spills into Sam’s chest, and he kisses her once more- snorts at the car that honks behind them to remind him that the light was green now. Rowena keeps her hand in his, settling back against the passenger seat, and Sam feels lighter than he has in a long time.