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“Shit,” Hoshiumi swore aloud. He was on the couch in the Adlers’ share-house common room, phone in hand.
Ushijima, who was reading a magazine by the window, looked over. “Is there something wrong?”
Hoshiumi seethed. “Yeah, you know that concert I’m going to?”
“No.”
Of course. “Well—whatever, I’m supposed to be going tonight with my friends but they both just bailed on me.”
Behind the couch in the kitchen, Kageyama, who was snacking on a meat bun, huffed. “You have friends?”
Seeing red, Hoshiumi looked over his shoulder with indignation. “Yes, I have friends!”
“Huh,” Kageyama acknowledged, then busied himself with another bite.
“Well you're one to talk, Mr. Personality-of-a-Stiff-Board!” Hoshiumi retorted, pouting, then turned back around with his arms crossed to face Ushijima. “Anyway, I already paid for their tickets and now it's too late to get them refunded.”
Ushijima hummed. “Could you try giving them away?”
If only. “I would, but I leave in an hour and there's nobody around.”
It was the first Friday of two weeks off, so as expected most everyone was out of the house for the weekend, if not longer. Anyone that could have possibly been down to go to a punk rock concert were long gone already.
Kageyama, mouth full, spoke. “We're here.”
Hoshiumi turned again. “Well, yeah, but—”
“He's correct,” Ushijima said. “We could take the tickets.”
Practice that morning had been pretty uneventful but Hoshiumi must've forgotten taking a spike to the head because what was happening?!
“You two,” Hoshiumi emphasized, tone incredulous, “you two want to go to a punk rock concert?”
Ushijima and Kageyama, respectfully, were the two most uncharismatic, tame, socially stunted motherfuckers Hoshiumi had ever known. He was ninety-nine percent sure Ushijima unironically listened to elevator music and that Kageyama was too volleyball-brained to listen to anything at all. A Genocidal Warts concert was the absolute last place either of them would fit in.
Ushijima set down his magazine. “I have nothing better to do.”
“Me neither,” Kageyama said, still eating.
Hoshiumi took a deep breath, knowing that he wasn't going to find anyone else for the tickets. “If you two are seriously going to go you need to understand that it's going to be wild.”
“Is it not in the city?” Ushijima asked.
Oh my god. “No, it's—I meant that it’s going to be loud, people are going to be drunk, they're going to be jumping up and down and ripping their shirts apart. It's going to be crazy and you’re not allowed to say that I didn't warn you.”
“That just sounds like the crowd after a match,” Kageyama pointed out.
Ushijima tilted his head to one side. “I don't recall anyone ripping open their shirt at any game I’ve been to.”
Hoshiumi pounded his fist on the couch, the noise echoing through the room. “Oh my god you guys are missing the—you know what? Yeah, think of it like that, but now multiply by ten. That's what it's gonna be like.”
“I understand,” Ushijima said.
Kageyama shrugged, unbothered. “That’s fine.”
Hoshiumi was unconvinced that either of the two appreciated what they were so nonchalantly signing up for, but his desire to make good on the cost of the tickets outweighed his desire to expel any more breath trying to prepare them for their—presumably—first pit experience.
“Alright, be ready to go in an hour,” he said, standing up to go and change.
This’ll be fine.
Any concern Hoshiumi had for Ushijima and Kageyama was overshadowed by him having the best night of his entire life. He’d squeezed them right to the front of the pit and by the peak of the performance he was screaming and cheering at the top of his lungs as he was crowd-surfed back and forth across his fellow concert goers. The Warts, too, were absolutely shredding it with the set of a lifetime and pyrotechnics galore lighting up the stage.
By the time it was over Hoshiumi felt like pure electricity was flowing through his veins. The best night ever! After the sixth and final encore, he’d gone to a spot in front of the porta-potties which he’d agreed upon with the others as the place to meet in case they were separated.
Even though it wasn't nearly as dense as the pit had been, the area was still pretty crowded. On his tiptoes, Hoshiumi looked around for either Ushijima or Kageyama, eventually spotting the back of a tall figure’s olive-brown hair.
Hoshiumi navigated his way over to Ushijima, who he found alone.
“There you are!” Hoshiumi said, voice raised both because it was loud and because his ears were a bit blasted from being carried near the speakers.
“Hoshiumi,” Ushijima acknowledged.
“Wasn't that awesome?!”
Ushijima shrugged. “I couldn't make out the lyrics.”
“Nobody can!” Hoshiumi explained. “That's the point!’
“Hm, it seems there's much I don't understand about this genre.”
What was there to understand besides have the time of your life?
“Where's Kageyama?” Hoshiumi asked.
“I don't know,” Ushijima answered. “We were separated.”
Hoshiumi held a tone. It hadn't been very long since the performance ended, so it wasn't too odd if Kageyama hadn't even made his way over to them yet. After all, Hoshiumi had only just found Ushijima.
“Do you want these?” Ushijima asked, holding out his palm upon which he held a small handful of gummy bears.
Hoshiumi narrowed his eyes at the bears, at first thinking it odd that Ushijima would have them before realizing better.
“Where did you get those?!”
“They were being passed out among the crowd,” Ushijima explained. “I took them to be polite, but I don't want them.”
Oh my god! “Ushijima-san, those are edibles!”
“Of course they are.”
Hoshiumi shook his head. “No, they're edibles,” he emphasized, “they're probably spiked with weed!”
“Oh”—Ushijima’s eyes went big as he looked down at his palm and promptly dropped all the gummies onto the grass—”oh no.”
Hoshiumi laughed. “Yeah, it's a good thing you didn't—”
“Kageyama was passed some too; he ate them.”
Oh fuck. “Them?” Hoshiumi repeated, “plural?”
“Yes,” Ushijima said, concern creeping into his voice.
Hoshiumi frantically looked left and right. “Shit, we’ve gotta find him!”
Ushijima followed as Hoshiumi began pushing through the dispersing crowd, calling out Kageyama's name. Now, Hoshiumi knew a thing or two about marijuana—though he’d swear up and down he didn't depending on who asked. Weed itself really wasn't dangerous at all, but to have never taken it before and then your first time being multiple edibles handed out by strangers in the pit of a punk rock concert was a recipe for disaster.
“Oh, excuse me”—Hoshiumi tapped the shoulder of a venue security guard—”have you seen my friend? He’s tall, brooding... uh, blue eyes?”
The guard shook his head. “No. I haven’t seen any foreigners.”
Exasperated, Hoshiumi groaned. “Ugh, no, he’s Japanese, his eyes just look like that—it’s inexplicable.”
The guard huffed. “Right, and you’re not wearing mascara.”
Hoshiumi threw his arms up. “I’m not! Why does everybody—”
“Hoshiumi-san!” Ushijima called out from ahead, “over here!”
“Sorry,” Hoshiumi muttered, then ran up to where Ushijima was. “Did you find—”
Just behind the tent they were standing in front of was indeed Kageyama—who was sloppily making out with… Hinata?!
“What the fuck?!” Hoshiumi screamed.
Startled, Hinata pushed Kageyama off him and—that’s not Hinata. Yes, they were short with unruly orange hair, except it was dyed and facewise they looked nothing alike.
“Do you mind?” Not-Hinata said, voice deep on top of all the differences.
“Heh-heh, yeah…” Kageyama agreed, lazily nodding with dilated pupils.
Furious, Hoshiumi shoved past Kageyama—who Ushijima came in from behind and steadied by the shoulders—and picked up Not-Hinata by the scruff of his shirt. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, huh?!”
Not-Hinata flinched. “Dude, what’s your problem?”
“My problem?!” Hoshiumi repeated, incredulous, “my problem is that you’re slobbering up my friend!”
“What the hell? Bro”—Not-Hinata put his hands up—”chill, he came on to me.”
Hoshiumi blinked. “What?!”
Behind, Kageyama giggled. “Hehe, Hinata…”
Hoshiumi’s brain was breaking. With weakened inhibitions, Kageyama's first instinct upon seeing someone he thought was Hinata was to make out with them? It could’ve just been a high thing, but Kageyama was into guys?! And Hinata no less?! Suddenly all the lewd locker room talk that Kageyama was always completely disinterested in made sense, among other things—but reckoning with all that would come later because there was a more pressing matter at hand.
“It doesn’t matter! Can’t you tell he’s high?!”
Not-Hinata squinted past Hoshiumi and made a noise. “Well now I can…”
Hoshiumi groaned and let the guy go. “Whatever, just get out of here.”
“Geez,” Not-Hinata muttered, then slipped away into the crowd.
“Dumbass… come back…” Kageyama drawled.
Sighing, Hoshiumi turned around and pulled Kageyama down by his chin. “Hey, look at me,” he said, using two fingers to point back and forth between their eyes, “that wasn’t Hinata.”
“Heh, yeah, heh…” Kageyama giggled, not acknowledging anything.
“That shit kicked in fast,” Hoshiumi muttered, then met eyes with Ushijima. “Let's get him to the car.”
“Should we take him to the hospital?” Ushijima asked.
Hoshiumi shook his head. “Nah, he’ll be fine. Let's just get him home with some chips and a tub of ice cream.”
“That’s a lot of calories.”
“He’ll need them,” Hoshiumi said, then nuzzled Kageyama’s arm, “isn't that right?”
“Mmmm, ice cream…”
By the next day, Kageyama had woken up no longer doped out, successfully having come down from his accidental high. He had, though, been vaguely aware that something had happened to him, so Hoshiumi had to explain what those gummy bears actually were.
At first, Kageyama went into eyes-wide panic—that is until he remembered there was no practice for a few weeks and thus no random drug tests. That relief out of the way, Hoshiumi had then asked if Kageyama remembered what he did while he was high, to which Kageyama claimed not much at all.
Hoshiumi, though, remembered everything—vividly at that—and absolutely could not stop thinking about it. Kageyama was totally into Hinata, and the more Hoshiumi thought about it the more sense it made. Even for longtime rivals and partners, Kageyama did always seem weirdly fixated on Hinata, but him harboring feelings explained it all.
It was sad, really, because those two had known each other for years, yet Kageyama was just too socially obstinate to say anything. Or, at least, Hoshiumi assumed as much, because he didn't get the impression from the last time he’d seen the two cross paths that there was any awkwardness stemming from a rejected confession of love.
Of course, Hoshiumi had no way of knowing if Hinata would reciprocate even if Kageyama did have the faculty to act on his feelings. Statistically speaking, Hinata was probably straight—though him never publicly being in a relationship kept that point vague.
What if… Hoshiumi bit his lip, pondering the idea which had just sprung to his mind. What if they could get together? Well, for one thing, it’d be awesome. Rivals turned lovers? That'd be sick—Hoshiumi totally shipped it. For another…
Hoshiumi stood up from his bed—where he’d been sat, thinking—and went down the hall to knock on Ushijima’s door.
“Hoshiumi-san?”
“Can I come in?”
Ushijima nodded and stepped out of the way. His room was aggressively plain, the only personal item on display being a volleyball on top of his dresser. Hoshiumi would have to criticize Ushijima’s (lack of) imagination and interior decorating skills at a later date, however.
“Okay,” Hoshiumi started as soon as the door was closed behind him, “you saw what happened with Kageyama last night, right?”
“Of course. Did you not remember I was there?”
Hoshiumi cringed and pinched his brow. “That was a rhetorical—ah, whatever, what I’m getting at is about him making out with that guy who looked like Hinata.”
“Mmhm,” Ushijima nodded.
“Right,” Hoshiumi continued, “so obviously Kageyama is madly in love, so I want to get them together for real.”
“That sounds like a horrible idea,” Ushijima said without hesitation.
Hoshiumi waved his hands dismissively. “Trust me, it’ll be great.”
“The last time you said that it ended with a funeral,” Ushijima pointed out.
“Oh come on, everybody gets one fluke,” Hoshiumi brushed off, then continued, “so will you help me?”
“Why me?”
“Because you're the only other person who knows about Kageyama’s thing for Hinata and you’ve got a deep voice.”
Ushijima tilted his head to one side. “What does my voice have to do with anything?”
Hoshiumi grinned. “I can understand how my machinations may seem obtuse at first, but that is because I have yet to share with you my brilliant plan!”
“That is correct. You have not explained anything.”
Damnit be more impressed. “Ahem, I was getting to that: let me introduce you to Step One,” Hoshiumi began, “I am going to steal Kageyama's phone, get Hinata's number, and then you, with your deep voice, will impersonate Kageyama to extend an invitation to Koganei.”
“That's all one step?”
Hoshiumi nodded. Clearly, Ushijima could not comprehend the work of a genius, the work of a master matchmaker, the work of someone who’d just come up with the idea in the time it took to walk over from his room.
“I have several concerns.”
“Try me,” Hoshiumi said, confident, “I’ve thought of everything.”
“Firstly,” Ushijima started, jumping right in, “me and Kageyama sound nothing alike.”
Hoshiumi wagged his finger. “Nope. For one, I’m going to make you practice your impression, and two, if he questions it, just blame allergies.”
Ushijima narrowed his eyes. “Okay…” he said, totally convinced, “even if that works, what’ll happen if Kageyama or Hinata speak to each other afterward?”
“Simple, as Kageyama, you're going to call from my phone and tell Hinata that yours is broken. That way, if Hinata tries to call, it'll come to us.”
“And what if Kageyama is the one calling?”
Hoshiumi shook his head. “Please, have you ever seen Kageyama voluntarily initiate a social interaction?”
“Yes.”
For fucks sake. “I meant regularly.”
“Then no.”
Foolproof. Everything about this step of the plan was flawless and Hoshiumi was looking forward to relishing in his success—or more importantly, Ushijima’s reaction to all his skepticism being proved unfounded—
“And how are you sure that Hinata would see a man?”
Shit. Maybe there was one thing Hoshiumi hadn’t exactly ironed out all the details for. “Well”—Hoshiumi rubbed the back of neck—”that’s for Step Two.”
“Which is?”
Hoshiumi pressed his lips into a line. Why did Ushijima have to ask so many questions? Could he not just agree and follow blindly?
“To be… revealed after Step One is complete!”
“I see,” Ushijima nodded, “when do we begin?”
Hoshiumi drew his head back. “What?!”
“When do we begin?” Ushijima repeated.
“Really?” Hoshiumi blinked. “You’re in?”
“Yes. I have nothing else to do and you answered my concerns.”
Well that was a fucking shock. Hoshiumi had mentally prepared himself to bitterly nag Ushijima into joining his matchmaking scheme for possibly hours, yet Mr. Serious Ushiwaka was being so agreeable and basically following blindly? How dare he be felled so easily!
“O-okay, then!” Hoshiumi said, taking a win as a win. “I guess the next time Kageyama takes a shower I’ll steal his phone and we’ll do this thing!”
“Alright,” Ushijima acknowledged, “and you said you were going to make me practice my impression?”
Was it actually so that Ushijima was down to go along with most things, and that it was just the intimidation factor that precluded people from thinking of him? Hoshiumi was still taken aback, but also filing away that realization in his mind palace for future use.
“Right, I did say that,” Hoshiumi said, then clapped his hands together, “okay, from scratch, give your best Kageyama impression right now—go!”
Ushijima closed his eyes, took a breath, then swallowed. “I am Kageyama Tobio.”
Mm. “That sounded exactly like you. Did you even try?”
“Of course I tried,” Ushijima said; Hoshiumi couldn’t tell who between them was more offended—by the poor effort and accusation respectively.
“Uh-huh, okay... what if you make it a bit grittier and try going higher?”
“I can do that,” Ushijima cleared his throat. “I am Kageyama Tobio.”
Somehow, Ushijima managed to sound less like Kageyama than he’d done just by speaking normally.
Hoshiumi sucked his teeth. “Y’know what, we’ll lean into the allergies angle.”
As the saying went, good things would come to those who wait, which is exactly what happened to Hoshiumi, who patiently—and diligently—waited all of four minutes after leaving Ushijima’s room for Kageyama to happen to take a shower. Jumping into action, Hoshiumi snuck into Kageyama’s room—which rivaled Ushijima’s for lack of decoration—and found his phone on the charger on his dresser. Hinata’s name was near the top of Kageyama’s contacts, so Hoshiumi was quick to copy it down and leave the room like he’d never been there at all.
“Ushijima!” Hoshiumi said, standing in his open doorway, “I’ve got it!”
“You’ve got what?”
Hoshiumi lowered his voice. “The… the number!” he whispered through gritted teeth, wary of how sound carried, “we just talked about this!”
“Oh.”
Inviting himself in again, Hoshiumi closed the door behind him and stood opposite Ushijima—who was sat on the edge of his bed.
“Okay, you know what to say, right?”
“No.”
Oh my god; Hoshiumi groaned—even though they hadn’t actually discussed specifics. “You’re Kageyama, your phone is broken, and you’re inviting him to come out here because you need to see him—but don’t say what for. Got it?”
Ushijima looked up at the ceiling for a moment, mentally jotting it all down, then nodded in the affirmative.
“Alright,” Hoshiumi said, then dialed Hinata’s number and handed the ringing phone to Ushijima, “you’ve got this.”
After a few rings, Hinata picked up. “Hello, who is this?”
Ushijima met eyes with Hoshiumi, who nodded expectantly. “This is… Kageyama Tobio.”
Hoshiumi made a face and jutted his jaw forward; Ushjima did not appear to conceive anything wrong with that delivery.
“Really? You sound a lot like Ushijima.”
“No, I am indeed Kageyama Tobio. I am not Ushijima. If I sound different, it is because of allergies.”
“Uh-huh…” Hinata drawled, “what kind of allergy?”
Ushijima looked to Hoshiumi, who mouthed at him to just come up with something.
“Shellfish.”
“Oh… since when were you allergic to shellfish?”
“Since… this morning,” Ushijima came up with. “It’s been a… sudden development.”
“It sure sounds like it!” Hinata said, sounding genuinely concerned. “So, um, why aren’t you calling from your number?”
Ushijima flashed Hoshiumi a thumbs up—that line he knew the answer to. “It is because my phone is broken.”
“Oh no, what happened to it?”
That one he does not. Ushijima met eyes with Hoshiumi again, whose mouthed advice to improvise remained the same.
“I… dropped it,” Ushijima answered; Hoshiumi let out a sigh of relief, but then Ushijima continued, “into the ocean, then a fish ate it… then the fish exploded.”
“What?!” Hoshiumi hissed.
Hinata screamed. “That’s awful!”
“Yes, it was,” Ushijima confirmed, “so will you come to Koganei?”
Hoshiumi blinked, the whiplash hitting hard. Why was that how he segued into extending the invitation?!
“Hah?” Hinata exclaimed, rightfully confused.
“Will you come to Koganei?” Ushijima repeated. “I need to see you.”
Hinata stammered, confused. “I-I, I can… what for?”
“I cannot tell you,” Ushijima responded.
Holy shit, Hoshiumi’s expectations for Ushijima weren’t stellar but he didn’t think it’d be this bad. “Don’t say that!”
Ushijima cleared his throat. “Sorry, I can tell you.”
“Oh?” Hinata beckoned.
Hoshiumi gritted his teeth and rapidly motioned his hand in front of his throat. “No!”
“I meant…” Ushijima trailed off, thinking, “I can tell you, but not right now.”
“I… see…” Hinata said, certainly convinced. “Well, I can come out as soon as tomorrow, if that works?”
Hopefully in more ways than one—two, to be precise, from Osaka and from the closet (assuming he was in it). Mildly panicked by the short time frame but also without a concrete reason to want to hold off, Hoshiumi nodded for Ushijima to agree.
“That is… acceptable,” Ushijima said.
“Uh, cool! I can go look up the train schedule now. Should I use this number again to let you know the time?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, I’ll get back to you later then, Kageyama…” Hinata said, sounding confident as to the person on the other end of the line’s identity, “I, uh, hope your sudden shellfish allergy clears up!”
Ushijima hummed. “Thank you.”
“Bye-bye!”
Hinata hung up and Ushijima immediately looked up at Hoshiumi. “Was I good?”
Hoshiumi took a breath and it was massive—not for the amount of air he was taking in but for how much restraint it represented. Technically, Hinata was coming to Tokyo, so it was a success, but god did Ushijima’s improv skills leave much to be desired.
“You did… great,” Hoshiumi lied.
Ushijima nodded and huffed, taking in the feedback and seemingly proud about it. “So are we on to Step Two?”
Fuck. Hoshiumi swallowed. “Uh, yeah!” he said, then attempted to conceive the next phase of the plan in time to respond, “it should just be me for that part, but I’ll, uh, fill you in on how it goes and get back to you when it’s time for Step Three.”
“Okay then,” Ushijima nodded. “Will that be the final step?”
Hoshiumi rubbed his chin. Step One had been inviting Hinata, Step Two would be about gaydar-ing Hinata, and Step Three would—depending on the results of the previous part—be all about making true love happen. If all went according to plan, then there wouldn’t be a need for additional steps… other than maybe becoming groomsmen for the wedding, assuming that’d ever become legal.
“Yup,” Hoshiumi answered, now confident, “so be ready for it all to come together tomorrow!”
Thankfully, Hinata’s next messages came through text, which Hoshiumi was able to handle on his own—and handle he did! Through his masterful improv skills, Hoshiumi informed Hinata that he (Kageyama) would be sending him (Hoshiumi) to retrieve Hinata from the train station—the reason being that due to “amnesia attacks” brought upon by his sudden onset shellfish allergy he may “forget” where he was going while travelling to the station, thus making it safer for someone else to pick him up.
That, of course, was a ruse so Hoshiumi could be alone with Hinata and enact Step Two: is he gay tho? Through extensive research, Hoshiumi had discovered a surefire method to determine Hinata’s sexuality without tipping him off.
The two found each other at the station where Hoshiumi made conservation as they walked to the car he’d rented—which had been embarrassing when it was the same woman at the rental place when he’d just one day earlier returned the car he’d rented to drive to the concert. You know you can sign for multiple days, sir, right?
“Is Kageyama okay?” Hinata asked.
“Oh”—Hoshiumi flicked his wrist—”he’s fine. Just as I was leaving it seemed like this whole amnesia-cold thing he’s had going on was clearing up.”
“Oh yeah?”
Hoshiumi nodded. “Yeah. He’s recovered so well I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d forgotten he was even sick by the time we see him.”
Hinata tilted his head to one side. “That doesn’t sound like being cured if he forgets more.”
“Mm, well the way it works is that it’s one amnesia attack so big that it takes the virus out with it.”
“Ooh, that makes sense,” Hinata said, then chopped his hand through the air, “it goes like fwah and it’s over.”
“Exactly,” Hoshiumi agreed, then paused in front of the car, deciding to strike while Hinata waited for him to unlock it. “Oh by the way, Hinata?”
“Yeah?”
“Could you show me your nails?” Hoshiumi asked.
Hinata looked down at his hand, then back at Hoshiumi, eyes narrowed, confused. “Uh… sure?”
Moment of truth. With bated breath Hoshiumi observed as Hinata held out his hand, fingers straight and palm down.
Gay. Gay—he’s so gay. Or gay enough—it didn’t matter because all Hoshiumi needed to know was if there was even a sliver. In the video Hoshiumi watched, every person who showed their nails the way Hinata did was gay, whereas the ones who bent their fingers, palm up, were all totally straight. It was science straight from a bunch of Instagram stories and it meant Kagehina, or Shobio—Hoshiumi hadn’t decided on their ship name yet—had a chance, damnit!
“Perfect,” Hoshiumi said.
Hinata’s eyes remained narrowed. “Thanks?”
Hoshiumi finally unlocked the car and the two got into the front seats. Before he got going, though, Hoshiumi pulled out his phone and sent a text to Ushijima—who that morning he’d gone over the plan with in the event Step Two turned out favorable results.
[H] step three is on
[U] Okay.
Everything a go, Hoshiumi—who was already salivating over the near prospect of adding Successful Matchmaker to his list of titles—took Hinata to the Adlers share-house where, like it had been since that weekend, only Kageyama and Ushijima were home. The former was in the kitchen, snacking on cocktail shrimp, while the latter sat at the table by the window with his magazine.
Earlier that morning, Hoshiumi and Ushijima had prepared the common room for the soon-to-be love birds. They’d cleaned everything, fluffed up all the sofa cushions, replaced the flowers on the coffee table, and set out every fancy snack the kitchen had to offer.
“Kageyama-kun!” Hinata greeted from the doorway; Hoshiumi slinked past him and took the seat opposite Ushijima.
“Hinata?” Kageyama said, mouth still full, “what’re you doing here?”
Hinata met eyes with Hoshiumi then back. “Oh no, it’s really that bad, huh?”
“What?” Kageyama asked, then popped another shrimp in his mouth.
In a blink, Hinata rushed over to Kageyama’s side then smacked him across the mouth, causing him to spit out his bite.
“What the hell?!” Kageyama yelled.
“Boke! What are you thinking eating that?” Hinata berated, “you’ll have another amnesia attack!”
Kageyama grabbed him by his hair. “What are you talking about?!”
Oh shit. Before anyone could say anything more, Hoshiumi cleared his throat. “Oh, um, Hinata, from what I read it’s sort of a one and done thing, so if he’s eating it now he’s fine.”
Hinata turned his head, still in Kageyama’s grip. “Oh, is that how that works?”
“Yeah!” Hoshiumi said, projecting confidence. The sooner they all got past the shellfish amnesia subject the sooner the true love could begin.
Kageyama let go of Hinata. “What is going on?”
Hinata made a noise, a realization hitting him. “Oh no,” he muttered, “I guess you don’t remember why you invited me…”
“I invited you?” Kageyama repeated, baffled.
Hoshiumi cleared his throat again. “That’s right! You did it while you were… y’know.”
Kageyama’s eyes widened. “I did and you didn’t tell me?”
For a fleeting moment it occurred to Hoshiumi how fucked up it was to gaslight the both of them like that; Kageyama about things he did(n’t) do while high, and Hinata about Kageyama’s amnesia-cold. However, the train was already rolling and the destination was going to be stellar if they made it. Certainly the relationship being built on a bed of lies wouldn’t be a problem in the future—Hoshiumi cared about them getting together now.
All Hoshiumi offered to Kageyama was a shrug—who turned back to Hinata no less confused. “So, um…”
The two faced each other in awkward silence for a moment, at which point Ushijima kicked into action. “Hinata.”
“Oh, hi Ushijima-san!”
“It appears my fellow housemates have failed to extend proper welcome to you,” he said, delivery rigid, then motioned toward the couch, “please feel free to sit.”
“Oh, uh, thank you,” Hinata responded, “I guess I will.”
Sit he did, whereas Kageyama remained behind the kitchen counter, much to Hoshiumi’s chagrin. Wow, the guy was totally helpless, wasn’t he? It was a good thing he had a perfect matchmaker to help guide him along. Hoshiumi was like an angel.
“Hey Kageyama,” Hoshiumi said, “aren’t you gonna sit with him?”
Kageyama tilted his head, confused. “Hah? Why?”
“He’s your guest!” Hoshiumi pointed out, “what kind of host are you?”
Kageyama opened his mouth to retort, but thanks to all the gaslighting making Hoshiumi sound like he had valid rationale, he instead stopped and grumbled his way over to sit beside Hinata. Mini success achieved.
On cue, Ushijima pushed back in his chair and stood up. “Hoshiumi-san, I would like to have a discussion with you in another room.”
The saving grace of Ushijima’s horrible acting was that the way he talked normally was already so rigid and awkward that stiffly delivering practiced lines didn’t sound all that abnormal.
“Sure,” Hoshiumi agreed, also standing up, “it sounds like these two need to talk anyway.”
Ushijima led Hoshiumi out of view into the hallway, where—as planned—he opened and closed a door to throw off any suspicion that the two of them were eavesdropping—which they were, of course.
Now’s where things get serious. Step Three was in full throttle, baby! Hoshiumi peered down the wall as far as he could such that he wouldn’t be seen if either of the two on the couch turned to look. With diligence, he listened and glued his gaze to the backs of their heads.
“So you really don’t remember why you invited me?”
“No,” Kageyama said, “what did I tell you?”
“Nothing. You just said that you wanted to see me, but you couldn’t tell me what for.”
“Huh. Well I can’t think of anything.”
Hoshiumi blindly reached behind him, eventually finding Ushijima’s shirt and pulling. Kageyama was stonewalling so the time had come for them to initiate the next part of Step Three: plant seeds. Ushijima made a noise, acknowledging that he’d understood the signal.
“Say, Hoshiumi-san,” he said, voice raised with the inflection of a cell phone voice assistant, “would you like to hear a story I read in a magazine?”
“Yes, that sounds fascinating,” Hoshiumi agreed, voice likewise raised—loud enough that Kageyama and Hinata could totally hear.
“It goes like this,” Ushijima began, “a man was struck by a bus. His injuries were serious. When the paramedics arrived, they took his final words.”
“Oh, what were they?”
“‘Tell Ishiko I always loved her.’ It turned out Ishiko was his lifelong friend, who he’d never told his feelings to.”
“Oh no,” Hoshiumi exclaimed as heavy handedly as possible, “that is so unfortunate. To think that he died without getting to tell her to her face that he loved her.”
“Yes, it was tragic indeed. He lost all the blood in his body, but that was nothing compared to the weight of his regret.”
“Wow, the walls in this place are thin, aren’t they?” Hinata questioned.
“I didn’t think they were…” Kageyama mumbled.
“At the Black Jackals’ share-house you don’t hear a thing.”
“Oh. That’s… neat.”
Hoshiumi’s heart skipped a beat. That’s neat?! Oh dear lord, Kageyama was really bombing out there. It’s like the oaf was incapable of saying anything that would extend the conversation. Luckily, though, there were more seeds to be planted; Hoshiumi motioned again to Ushijima.
“Would you also like to hear some poetry, Hoshiumi-san?”
“Poetry? Why yes, I would love to.”
Hinata made a noise. “Ushijima likes poetry?”
“It goes like this,” Ushijima began—again, “‘A sapling must have good soil to grow strong. Yet not all good soil knows the sapling would like to grow in it. If the sapling does not tell the soil it wishes to grow strong, then both are as good as infertile.’”
“That is so profound Ushijima-san—”
“It didn’t even rhyme,” Kageyama pointed out.
“...you know what it makes me think of?” Hoshiumi asked.
“What does it make you think of, Hoshiumi-san?”
“Love,” Hoshiumi answered, “it’s like the sapling loves the soil, but if it doesn’t tell the soil, the soil will never love it back.”
“Exactly,” Ushijima agreed.
“I don’t think they understand how trees work,” Hinata said.
“Yeah, if it’s in the soil already, then it’ll grow,” Kageyama pointed out, “who cares what the sapling’s feelings are?”
Ever since the first time they met those six, seven, eight—however many years ago, Hoshiumi knew that Kageyama was socially inept and poor at understanding subtext. Yet, his ability to get everything wrong was absolutely staggering. Did he not realize he was the sapling? He should care very much about the damn dirt returning his feelings!
My turn. “Say, Ushijima-san, would you like to hear my favorite song lyric?”
“Why yes, I would love to hear your favorite song lyric, Hoshiumi-san.”
“It’s from that English song,” Hoshiumi prefaced, “you know the one: love me, love me, just say that you love me.”
“Ah, yes, that song. It was popular around the time when we were born.”
“He remembers when he was a baby? Ushijima-san is so frickin cool,” Hinata said.
“You’ve said that everyday since high school.”
“So what?”
“I don’t know, dumbass! Find a new line, it's boring now.”
Fuck fuck fuck. Hoshiumi had only prepared three seeds, yet clearly Kageyama needed more because he wasn’t confessing yet. Sure, it’d not even been five minutes since Hinata arrived, but surely building the courage to bear your heart out shouldn’t take that long! It was time for Hoshiumi to put his excellent improv skills to the test.
“You know, Ushijima-san, they should make a song from the… other side.”
“The other side of what?”
Uh… “Of the person whose singing,” Hoshiumi bullshitted, “so it’d be like I love you, I love you, I’m finally saying that I love you.”
Hoshiumi turned around to face Ushijima and mouthed at him to just go along with it.
“Ah, I see,” Ushijima said after a moment. “So he loves her and is going to tell her that he loves her?”
“Yes…” Hoshiumi drawled, thinking of where to go next, “and isn’t that so… brave? That they’re… telling each other… how they feel?”
“You are correct, that is very… brave.”
“I’m… so glad we agree on this point, Ushijima-san,” Hoshiumi said, even though they hadn’t been arguing, “it is just so… brave for someone to tell the person that they love that they love them, and that’s what makes it such a good song and—
“What the hell are you doing?” Kageyama asked.
Startled, Hoshiumi spun around to see that Kageyama was standing right behind him, Hinata in tow. Oh shit, that was not supposed to happen! It appeared the plan had a fourth step after all: panic.
“You couldn’t’ve told me?!” Hoshiumi hissed to Ushijima, who should’ve been able to see them approaching. All he offered in return was a shrug.
“Well?” Kageyama pressed.
Hoshiumi gritted his teeth. “Uh, nothing. We were just having a conversation; isn’t that right, Ushijima-san?”
“Yes,” Ushijima agreed. “We were having a spontaneous discussion with no ulterior motives.”
If this situation didn’t blow up in Hoshiumi’s face then he would have to find a way to make Kageyama and Ushijima compete to find out who between them was the least smooth—because what the fuck was that, man?!
“It’s the worst conversation I’ve ever heard,” Kageyama said.
“Yeah,” Hinata agreed, “and you guys talk really loud.”
Hoshiumi feigned surprise. “Huh? You could hear us?”
“Yes”—Kageyama motioned with his arm at the short distance between where they were stood in the hall and the sofa—”you’re steps away.”
Ushijima hummed. “We did not realize that… voices carried so far in this house.”
“Uh yeah!” Hoshiumi agreed, jumping onto whatever he could get, “how crazy is that? To think our honest and normal discussion of love and admitting your true feelings was overheard is so—”
“Can you stop and just tell us what’s going on?” Kageyama cut off.
Oh fuck. Hoshiumi put his hands up, defensively. “Why, Kageyama, what… whatever do you mean by that? Is there something going on? I don’t see anything going on.”
“I just got here and I can tell that something’s going on,” Hinata said, now joining Kageyama in staring at Hoshiumi expectantly for the truth.
Something about the both of their gazes on him made a shiver run up Hoshiumi’s spine. Hinata and Kageyama might've been among the dumbest people on the planet, but they also had a way of being terrifying. It was that look of raw determination to get what they wanted... Hoshiumi knew it was over—he was in their trap and he wasn’t getting out of it.
Yet… By fessing up, Hoshiumi would force Kageyama’s hand. He couldn’t not address the bombshell that he had feelings for Hinata when it was laid out bare! The plan survives!
“Fine,” Hoshiumi sighed, then drooped his head, “this has all been a scheme to get Kageyama to tell you that he loves you, Hinata.”
Hoshiumi expected a gasp, or panic on Kageyama’s part, or something dramatic. Damnit be more shocked! Yet, the two didn’t seem fazed at all—their faces didn’t even change!
“Really? That’s it?” Kageyama asked, then turned to Hinata. “Hey, I love you.”
“Oh, thanks! Love you too!” Hinata said back.
What the actual fuck? Was the last two days all a fever dream, and Hoshiumi was about to wake up and realize he’d been the one to take all those edibles? Was he the one delirious from sudden onset shellfish allergy?
Hoshiumi’s eyes went as big as they could get. “HAH?!”
Behind, Ushijima put a hand on his shoulder. “Why are you surprised? Is this not the outcome you wanted?”
Hoshiumi backed up against the wall, stuporous, and pointed weakly at everyone. “What is… this is not… you two were…” he paused and took a breath, steeling himself, “do you two not realize how big of a moment this is?! Realize harder!”
Hinata tilted his head. “Huh? Why?”
“B-because you two love each other!”
Kageyama shrugged. “So?”
“So?!” Hoshiumi repeated, losing his mind, “what do you mean just ‘so?!’”
“Hoshiumi-san,” Kageyama said, “I know we’ve never told anybody, but… me and Hinata have been together for years.”
Jaw having fallen to the floor, Hoshiumi’s brain had officially gone into a tailspin. Years? YEARS?! Kageyama had actually managed to confront his feelings and it happened YEARS ago?! The last two days had all been for nothing? What a grand waste of effort! Or… if the two of them were together, then didn’t that technically mean the plan reached the desired outcome? Yeah… yeah, looking at it that way, Hoshiumi was such an unparalleled matchmaker that his matches were made before he even tried!
Still though, Hoshiumi was at a loss for words. “Wow… that’s uh… wow.”
Kageyama rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah… but how did you know?”
“Oh, well, um…” Hoshiumi trailed off, almost forgetting how it’d all began, “when you got high at the concert we found you making out with some guy that looked like Hinata, so—”
“YOU DID WHAT?!” Hinata screamed.
It was Kageyama’s turn to press his back up against the wall. “Wait, Hinata—”
“Oh my god! I can’t believe you… you…” Hinata seethed, then, like a light flashed through his eyes, slapped Kageyama hard across the face.
Hoshiumi and Ushijima both gasped. Oh fuck, oh no, oh fuck—
Kageyama held his face where he’d been hit. “No, Hinata, I can explain—”
“I don’t need your excuses!” Hinata yelled, then stormed off.
Kageyama ran after him. “Wait!”
The silence that followed matched the sudden stillness of Hoshiumi’s heart. The front door then slammed shut, the noise echoing through the house. It was like the air had been sucked from the room. Head moving slowly, afraid that any sudden movement would somehow make things worse, Hoshiumi turned to Ushijima, who simply blinked with his mouth hung slightly open.
“Oh god,” Hoshiumi said, moving his hands up to cover his mouth, “oh god…”
“This is… not good,” Ushijima managed to say.
No shit! “Oh god, what’ve we done?!”
“Should we go after them?”
“Yes,” Hoshiumi answered quickly, then started for the door, Ushijima following. Hoshiumi didn’t know what he could do, but hopefully there’d be something he could say that would save Kageyama and Hinata’s relationship. Shift all the blame to me, I don’t care, Hoshiumi thought, praying that the damage wasn’t already done.
Hoshiumi flung the door open and almost fell over as Ushijima ran into him; Hoshiumi had stopped in his tracks because standing just on the other side were Kageyama and Hinata, next to each other with their arms crossed, grinning.
“Hah,” Hoshiumi panted, “you two… what’re you—”
Hinata broke out into hysterical laughter, followed shortly by Kageyama. For the second, or third, or who knew how many-th time, Hoshiumi’s brain shattered into a million pieces as he struggled to process what he was seeing.
“The look on your face!” Hinata cried.
“What is going on?” Ushijima asked; Hoshiumi was thankful one of them was together enough to speak.
Kageyama huffed. “We knew all along.”
Hoshiumi blinked. “What?”
Doubled over, hand holding his middle, Hinata spoke. “Best prank ever!”
“Yeah,” Kageyama agreed, “we figured out what you two were doing.”
But… the plan had been so genius… so foolproof… “How?” Hoshiumi questioned.
“You think I couldn’t tell that was Ushijima on the phone?” Hinata asked, straightening himself, “I called Kageyama right away.”
“But… my impression was excellent,” Ushijima said, “and we accounted for all possible skepticism.”
Hinata grimaced. “Eh… why would Kageyama have been in the ocean?”
Damnit! Well, if Hoshiumi had any silver lining, it was that the plan fell apart because of Ushijima’s poor improvisation. Certainly it hadn’t been fated for doom due to any of Hoshiumi's contributions…
“And I told Hinata right away about what happened at the concert,” Kageyama continued explaining.
“What?” Hoshiumi said, “you said you didn’t remember anything!”
Kageyama shook his head. “I was embarrassed, I lied.”
“Oh my god…” Hoshiumi muttered.
“Yeah, and I didn’t mind,” Hinata added, “he was high. It’s kinda funny, actually.”
I was never even a player… Taking a deep breath, Hoshiumi turned around. “Ushijima?”
“Yes?”
“Could you step aside?”
“Sure,” Ushijima said, then did as much. Hoshiumi then went back inside.
“Wait!” Kageyama called; Hoshiumi paused and looked over his shoulder. “Where are you going?”
“To curl up in my bed and die,” Hoshiumi answered, then pressed his lips into a line and spoke quietly, “andI’mhappyforyoubytheway.”
“What was that?” Kageyama asked.
Hoshiumi threw up his wrist and continued on his way. “Going to die now, bye!”
