Chapter Text
“If you walk out that door, I swear to the Light, I will never let you back in again.”
_
Ten years . It has been ten years since Moiraine heard those words, ten years since she walked out the same doors she had just entered. She had believed her words. That she’ll never be let back in again, and yet, here they were.
Siuan led her in, carrying her bags for her as they walked through the threshold, as if she had never been here before. As if this had not been her home too. She never thought she’d be back here. Not after that night. She should have returned and begged, never should have left. But her pride had taken over her, told her not to, that she should only do so if Siuan herself called her home . And by the time her pride dissipated, she no longer deemed herself worthy of Siuan.
She shifted her gaze to the bundle in her arms as it tugged at her hair. “ Mo , Siuan! ”
Worthy or not, it would seem that the wheel has spun them closely again through the form of the precious child she holds closely — Elayne . The daughter of her brother and Siuan’s childhood best friend. Her niece. Siuan’s goddaughter. The child they will raise. Together.
She could not remember how she had managed to drive herself from Cairhien to Tar Valon after receiving the call about Morgase and Taringail’s accident. Or how she had managed to sooth little Elayne in the darkness of her hotel room. Nor did she remember how she’d gone about planning their funeral. Moiraine had been floating, working mechanically, like how she had been raised to. It wasn’t until Siuan walked in, eyes red from losing her best friend, and embraced her, familiar and comforting hands rubbing her back, did she come back to her senses.
The feeling of surprise as it dawned on her that despite everything —she knew Taringal loved her, but he was fickle with his affection, so when she had broken up with his wife’s best friend, she had accepted that he would not choose her side — her brother had still chosen her as his emergency contact. The pain of losing Taringail. The sorrow of watching 2-year-old Elayne look for the parents that will never come home. It all hit her at once, but she did not let it show. She had composed herself and escaped Siuan’s arms, forcing herself to walk away again.
It was days later that her walls began to crumble when she and Siuan were informed about their loved ones’ wishes. “ In the event of Morgase and Taringail’s passing, they named the two of you as Elayne’s legal guardians. ” The words ringed in her ears as she clutched Elayne in her arms. She had already been taking care of her niece for weeks now, was ready to step up for her, but the thought of having to do it with Siuan unbalanced her. Siuan herself seemed to hesitate until the lawyer had told them of the alternative: if not them, Elayne would have to go to Morgase’s parents.
“ My best friend left that lake of silverspike for a reason. I am not letting her daughter get caught up in that net. ” Moiraine had almost let out a fond laugh at Siuan’s ferocity. Almost.
After that, they settled everything. They had been told that they had to stay near Tar Valon for their home visits, and after finding out about Moiraine’s current living situation, Siuan had insisted that Moiraine stay with her temporarily. And though the thought of returning, the tension both of them continued to ignore, made Moiraine’s stomach churn and her heart ache, she accepted. She had to do this. For Morgase and Taringail. For Elayne. For her .
“ Moiraine. ”
Moiraine turned her head towards Siuan, who had dropped her bags on the living room floor and gestured for her to sit on the couch. She did so carefully, eyeing the same couch she’d complained about a lifetime ago. “I’m gonna go finish making dinner for us. The guest room is already set up, if you want to rest. I hope it’s okay with you to share with Elayne.”
“It’s okay. Thanks.”
Siuan exhaled, pointed vaguely towards the direction of the kitchen. “Okay. I’m going to…”
“We’ll be alright here, Siuan.” She said, giving Siuan a small reassuring smile. Siuan’s lips curled up slightly before she left the room.
“Siuan go too?” Elayne asked, her tiny voice high with panic as Siuan walked away.
“She’ll come back.” Moiraine promised, rubbing the little girl’s back soothingly. “Why don’t we explore a bit, my little love?”
Elayne nodded slightly, her head resting on Moiraine’s shoulder as the older woman stood up to inspect her — Siuan’s — home.
Not much has changed since she left. The old trinkets they’d bought in University remained on the shelves. The nets they wove together still hang by the corner, only they’ve increased in number. The fish figurine that Berden had gifted them when they had bought this house still sat in the center of the mantle above the fireplace. The place was still so utterly theirs, and yet it wasn’t. There were whispers of Moiraine scattered around, like she was haunting this home, but there was no evidence of her. It was theirs and it was Siuan’s but it was no longer Moiraine’s.
It hurt as she scanned the frames and saw the absence of her existence in Siuan’s life, but she did not dwell on it. She had left. She has no right to be upset about this. And then she saw it. A picture of Siuan as the dutiful maid of honor and Morgase as a beautiful bride. That night.
Siuan had been distant for days. And Moiraine had been truly worried. They had been together for so long, they were best friends and lovers, they told each other everything — Siuan had taught Moiraine to not fear talking about her woes and the things that kept her up at night. Yet, here was her Siuan, bottled up tightly. That night, after they’d shed their dresses, she had asked. But what she thought would be a peaceful conversation had turned into a battle. She had always been the one with an explosive temper — Siuan, the water to her flame — so she could not help the surprise when Siuan turned to her, eyes burning.
“ The problem is that you’re suffocating me, Moiraine!”
Moiraine’s mouth went agape, eyes beginning to blur with tears, her fears starting to come true before her eyes. Siuan is beginning to realize that she’s too much. “ I’m not asking you to marry me or build a family with me now, Siuan.”
“But you imply it. You’ve been trying to be sly about it since your brother proposed to Morgase.”
She let out a humorless laugh. “We’ve been together for twelve years, Siuan. Longer than the two of them. They met because of us. Forgive me for expecting.”
“They’re different. They’re ready.”
“And we’re not?” Moiraine asked incredulously.
Siuan stood straighter, her eyes boring into Moiraine. “ I’m not .”
“ You don’t mean that.”
“I do.” Siuan lamented, raising a single eyebrow. Moiraine could hear the crushing of her heart in her chest when Siuan spoke again. “And I think that you’re not ready as you think you are. Marriage is hard. Building a family is hard. Being a good mother is hard. You’re not ready for that hard work, Lady Damodred.”
“ Fuck you, Siuan.” Moiraine said breathlessly, her mind too muddled to even say the words with any venom. She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. She needed to get out of here.
“Walk away, love.” Moiraine stopped by the foyer. The endearment slipped through Siuan’s lips like an arrow and her heart was the target. She turned towards Siuan. “It’s what you do best.”
Siuan looked at her imploringly, challenging her, and Moiraine? She took the bait, walking straight towards the door, not even looking back as Siuan’s voice rang again.
“ If you walk out that door, I swear to the Light, I will never let you back in again. ”
If she had, she would have seen the way Siuan recoiled at her own words, the way she staggered as the door slammed shut. The way Siuan looked at herself with shame and disgust as she caught a glimpse of herself on their hallway mirror, her hands shaking in grief as she locked away the truth with the click of the door.
Moiraine had stayed for a weekend at Lan’s, brooding and angry, until she had realized that what Siuan said had bearing. She was not cut out to have a family, she was wholly undeserving of Siuan. Her Siuan was unworldly patient and gentle, would never have said those words to Moiraine — not after what they’ve been through together, the pain they’ve shared — unless something had been truly wrong, and Moiraine had not seen through that because of her pride, had walked away without a second thought when things got hard. So, that Monday, she had sent Lan to Siuan with a letter, put herself in her car and drove to Cairhien with a heavy heart.
Ten years have passed since then, she’d thought multiple times of driving back here in the middle of the night, knocking on Siuan’s door and begging to be let in, but she couldn’t. She felt that she owed that much to Siuan. After how they ended things, she believed that she could not be the woman Siuan deserved, but she could give Siuan peace by not disturbing her life.
“Mo.” Elayne’s sniffles cut Moiraine’s musings. The little girl had lifted her head from Moiraine’s shoulder, looking at her with wide eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” Moiraine asked softly, wiping the tears away as she sat down on a familiar armchair.
Elayne sniffled, her little fists clutching the front of Moiraine’s blouse tightly as if Moiraine would disappear if she lets go. “I miss Mama and Papa. Why did they have to leave?”
“Oh, my little dove. I wish I knew.” Moiraine whispered, pressing a gentle kiss on the child’s forehead. Elayne wrapped her tiny arms around her neck, clearly terrified, seeking refuge in her aunt’s arms. They had told Elayne about her parents in a way that a toddler could understand, but it did not stop the girl from asking more questions, and everytime she did, it broke Moiraine’s heart. She could not imagine how confusing and painful it must be for a child to have a set of loving parents one day then gone the next, wished that she could bring back Morgase and Taringail, wished she could ease the pain.
Moiraine couldn’t, can only prevent her from suffering the same fate Moiraine did. “Siuan and I will take good care of you. I promise that as long as I can, I will always be with you. I promise that everyday, I will do my best to earn the right to love and care for you.”
For a moment, the only noise in the room was Elayne’s slow breathing as the child finally succumbed to sleep, cocooned in the safety of her aunt’s arms. Moiraine was wrapped up in ensuring that the girl was comfortable, rubbing her back soothingly, humming a lullaby she’d heard from Siuan before. If she’d been more aware, she would have seen Siuan watching the interaction with impossibly soft eyes.
“You know, when I imagined how you were after you —after that night, I always thought you’d have one of your own.” Moiraine looked up, startled by Siuan.
“Why’d you think that?”
Siuan shrugged, sitting on the couch across from Moiraine, the coffee table serving as a wall between them. “You’ve always wanted to have kids.”
“I did.” She said. But I wanted to have them with you , she wanted to say.
Siuan continued to look at her and Moiraine averted her gaze. They couldn’t do this now. “I always knew you would be a great mother.”
I’m not her mother . Moiraine bites her tongue. Instead she says, “That’s not what you told me.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Siuan visibly deflate, and an ugly part of Moiraine feels mildly vindicated before the feeling turns into shame. She turns towards Siuan again, watching as she crosses the distance between them, and sits on the coffee table in front of her.
“I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I hope you know that, Moiraine.” Siuan says earnestly, her eyes pleading Moiraine to believe her, as if she knew how Moiraine had tortured herself while they were apart. “I was having a difficult week and I took it out on you. I was confused and angry. Angry at myself, Elaida… your mother. But not at you. Never you.”
Moiraine nodded, urging Siuan to continue if she wanted.
“It was at the engagement party, your mother saw us, and she told me that if we don’t stop playing house, she’d make sure that we suffer. I told her that I would never let her hurt you.” Siuan took a deep breath, shaking her head in regret. “A week later, Elaida told me there was a complaint about me and that there would be an inquisition, but she refused to tell me what it was and who sent the complaint, just that I could lose my job and I had a week to prepare. And then, all of a sudden, after you left, the complaint disappeared. I knew then it was your mom and that bloody Elaida was only too happy to see me go.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Moiraine asked, her voice a whisper.
“You were so happy then, Moiraine. You were so excited for Morgase and Taringail. You finally had a job you enjoyed, where you didn’t have your uncle breathing down your neck. I still remember when I came home after you got the place for your first exhibit.” Siuan said, her dimples showing as she smiled, tears glistening in her eyes. “I couldn’t take that away from you. I failed, Moiraine. And I… I made you believe that you weren’t worthy of me because it was easier than admitting that even after everything, even after how hard I’ve worked, I still wasn’t worthy of you.”
“ Siuan .” Moiraine gasped, her free hand grasping one of Siuan’s as she scooted closer to her, careful of the sleeping child in her arms. “You have always been worthy of me, Siuan Sanche. Always. You loved me and gave me a home. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if you lost your job and we couldn’t afford this house anymore. I would go anywhere with you, as long as you were happy.”
Siuan’s smile turned into a smirk, trying to lighten up the mood, but Moiraine knew Siuan believed her. “Too bad we missed our window, huh?”
I’ve never closed it, I’ve always waited for you to open it again . Before Moiraine could reply, Elayne whined in her arms, her eyes flitting from Moiraine to Siuan then back again.
“Hungry, Mo.” She grumbled as her stomach growled.
Siuan perked up, giving Moiraine’s hand a squeeze — after dinner —a knowing look on her face. She turned to Elayne, taking the girl in her arms. “Just in time, precious guppy! Dinner’s ready.”
Moiraine followed the two in the dining room where Siuan had already set Elayne in her high chair. She sat next to Elayne, Siuan on the other side of their girl. The three of them began to eat while Moiraine mulled over their conversation. She had been right when she left. Something had happened and it was her family’s doing.
She tried not to let the guilt fester. Long ago, Siuan had taught her to detach herself from her family, that her family’s actions were not her responsibility, especially if they hurt her . No, she will not give her family the satisfaction of still making her feel guilty. If there was one good thing that happened in the past ten years, it was that she’d freed herself from her family, was finally able to stand on her own two feet. Her family was a thing of the past now, her mother long gone. But still, it hurt. She and Siuan had hurt each other, had hurt separately for years, and it was because of her family.
She shudders at the thought of the Trakands taking Elayne. They were as ruthless as, if not more than, the Damodreds.
“We can’t let them have her, Siuan.” Moiraine said determinedly later after they’d tucked Elayne in her crib. She nodded towards her bed in the corner of the guest room. “We have to make this work.”
Siuan nodded, turning towards Moiraine once they were seated. “We will.”
“It’s going to be hard.” Moiraine whispered, her eyes meeting Siuan’s, old scars aching again.
“But we can do it.” Siuan insisted. “ You can do it.”
Siuan once again closed the distance between them, it was she who took Moiraine’s hand now, her thumb rubbing soothing circles on Moiraine’s knuckles. “ I’m here .” And for the first time since Moiraine drove back here—home—she let out a real smile, she believed her words.