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They say, home is where the heart is.
To Yú Zǐyuān, it was both a bitter truth and a blatant lie. It had been more than seven years since she'd left behind her first home in Méishān. By all means though, she believed she'd been better received at Lotus Pier than she had ever been at home. Back in Méishān your worth was determined exclusively by your skills. Much like her two elder sisters, she had had to take up a sword long before she even held a doll. And when she wasn't wielding a sword, her mother had her learn the finer arts of noble etiquette and fragile craftsmanship - like embroidery or flower arrangement.
It hadn't exactly been unexciting to also know exactly how to kill an intruder with something which seemed as harmless as a needle or even vines from her vases.
Yú Zǐyuān had been better than her sisters at all of that.
She'd been a force to reckon with even within Méishān’s high standards, and proof of that lay in the brilliant silver ring wrapped around her finger – her precious and feared Zidian.
But then… her home had never let her acknowledge her heart. So in essence, she'd never really had a home there at all.
Her first journey to Lotus Pier had felt like nothing but condescension. She hadn't realized that pampering of nobility was a thing – Yínzhū and Jīnzhū had seemed just as confused. Not to get her wrong, of course she knew about the difference in status in their world, about the respect renowned cultivation sects, including Méishān Yú and Yúnmèng Jiāng demanded. But Méishān had never really had servants – they were usually just assisted by their younger disciples.
But for most part, all three Yú siblings had been adept at managing their own things and chores and living as independently as possible.
Such as how she hadn't known how having servants around felt, she also hadn't known that she was allowed to have and treat her own heart with care and tenderness. That was until she had met Jiāng Fēngmián.
Her relationship with him had been complicated.
She hadn't known how to hold or carry herself around him. Everything they did was slightly awkward and in the end, artificial. But they'd let each other have their space, let themselves take their time. Soon enough, Jiāng Fēngmiáns's smile turned into a form of comfort and his touch turned to the closest Yú Zǐyuān had to trust. Their relationship, in no form, was smooth — they fought all the time, and Yú Zǐyuān didn't open up about her feelings as often as she ought to.
But she grew to love him, and eventually, she knew that if it ever came down to it, she would give up her life to protect him.
She'd come to believe that he would have done the same for her.
Perhaps that's why the rumor had hurt so much.
Because it crumpled her fragile heart and made her feel the sting of hopelessness again.
Her steps were sharp and quick and she made it a point to ignore the healers calling out for her to stop. She withheld a scoff — she was pregnant, not an invalid. Neither was this the first time she’d gone through it. Her pregnancy with Ā-Lí hadn’t exactly been the easiest but she’d persevered. This was going to be no different.
She all but barged into her husband’s office where both Jiāng Fēngmián and Fēng Mǎo, the new second-in-command, looked up at her in shock, mouths gaping in a way that didn’t help her mood. Given that she was supposed to be suggested bedrest, her presence had to mean something — and not something small, given that she needed it immediately.
“Sān-niáng?” Jiāng Fēngmián said, in a breathy tone a moment later, pushing away his chair to stand up, “Why are you on your feet?” He moved, dropping his quill onto the table top to get closer to her. Jiāng Fēngmián had been good at reading her mood for most part — the hesitance in his tone told her he knew exactly how angry she was, seething about what she’d found out.
Instead of answering her husband though she turned to glare at Fēng Mǎo. Their second-in-command was intelligent — it was part of why he got the job almost immediately. He knew his responsibilities well, and he was a powerful cultivator, well versed in the Jiang cultivation techniques. Back when Yú Zǐyuān was younger, she used to duel with him too, and he was one of the few of the disciples who had easily been able to keep up with her. She wasn’t sure if it was still the case, but sometimes she wondered if he was a better fit for the position than Wèi Chángzé had been.
Fēng Mǎo nodded respectfully at Yú Zǐyuān before bowing, “Sān-niáng,” he said, “I’ll show myself out.”
She nodded, slightly grateful that she didn’t have to spell things out for him.
Both she and Jiāng Fēngmián stood with bated breath, waiting for Fēng Mǎo to move far enough from the office. Gossip always spread like wildfire around Lotus Pier — and while they trusted him, mistakes were easy to make. Their fights were already public enough, if holding on for a minute helped reduce that exposure, it didn’t hurt anyone.
“You told me you’d handle the rumors.”
Her voice was cold and sharp, and filled with as much anger as she could manage.
For a moment, Jiāng Fēngmián didn’t answer. Yú Zǐyuān couldn’t bring herself to look away from him, not giving him the grounds to be able to concoct a lie. She never believed her husband would lie outright — but then, he had promised her something and then failed to let her know that he hadn’t. Lying by omission in this situation was still lying – it was a blatant violation of her trust and she wanted her answers.
“Sān-niáng-”
“ Don’t .” she said, cutting him off, “Don’t you dare use that condescending tone on me. You and I both know there is a reason you didn’t address the rumours. You don’t just lie to your wife and get away with placating me!”
Jiāng Fēngmián closed his eyes. It was his ritual to calm down. A small part of Yú Zǐyuān felt glad at the reaction. It meant he was rightfully worked up too and not calm enough to attempt to calm her down. She didn’t want to be calmed down — she wanted answers which ensured her that her insecurities were misplaced. Because she didn't know what she was going to do, if they weren’t.
“Sān-niáng,” he said again but this time his voice was more clipped, “I promise to you. Wèi Yīng is not my child. Tái Qìnghuá was a beloved and close friend, but…” he paused, “the only one I’ve loved enough to lay with is you, Sān-niáng.” He looked worked up, and tears sparked into Yú Zǐyuān’s eyes out of both anger and some kind of softness from those words — If it was that simple, then lying about shutting down the rumors didn’t make sense. The fact that she remained silent meant she was expecting him to continue.
“I… didn’t want to draw attention to my friends,” he said, “Chángzé and Qìnghuá wanted a life away from the cultivational politics — wanted out from the world we live in. Just because they brought their son back to Yunmeng to see us doesn’t mean they want to be pulled into Yúnmèng Jiāng’s gossip. Wèi Yīng’s parentage is unquestioned. It doesn’t matter if I don’t acknowledge the rumors. If there’s nothing to feed the gossip, it will die down, Sān-niáng.”
Yú Zǐyuān didn’t believe him.
She didn’t believe the rumors would die down that easily.
“Ā-Lí is a girl,” Yú Zǐyuān said, enunciating each word, “Our…” she bit her tongue down, just placing her hand on her swollen belly, avoiding speaking about their future child so as to not bring about bad omens, “ future is uncertain. There’s no accurate way of telling,” she continued, “You’ll love them but it doesn’t mean yet that I’ve given you sons. People want… you to have a son.”
Jiāng Fēngmián nodded, “I don’t care what the people think,” he said, “People who matter, people who live within the walls of Lotus Pier, people we interact with everyday — they’ve seen us grow. You’ve seen us grow. It's unsightly to think I would insult you in such a way. I don’t turn down the rumors because it will come off as defensive. There’s nothing to be defensive about. I love my wife.”
Yú Zǐyuān didn’t know what to say. It was… validating in a way, but also not something which satisfied her. She didn’t want people in Yunmeng looking at her in pity, believing that somewhere she hadn’t been enough, that she’d been betrayed by someone who she’d trusted. She didn’t want the rumors to die down, she wanted her husband to validate her concerns in front of all the people who could even doubt the truth. It couldn’t hurt to confirm that Wèi Yīng was Chángzé and Qìnghuá’s son. The child would one day come to Yunmeng, and when that day came, Yú Zǐyuān didn’t want to look at an innocent kid in disdain because her husband had let her fears fester.
She didn’t want to lose her best friend — her Qìnghuá — because her husband was too scared of the ramifications of announcing to the public that he’d been fully committed to his wife.
“No,” she said finally, her brain pondering over her thoughts, “They won’t mind, Fengmian. I need this. I need myself, and everyone else to know that Wèi Yīng is not your son. That you’ve been loyal to me and me alone. This is not about love. It's about you being ashamed to confirm that.” It physically hurt her to say that — or perhaps it was simply the exhaustion from the standing beginning to kick in. She wanted this over — she didn’t want to lie in bed beside her husband with the new thought of him being embarrassed of her.
Jiāng Fēngmián shook his head, “Sān-niáng, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on,” he said, “It was a miracle you accepted me when you did. Why would I be ashamed of marrying above my stature?”
“That is for you to answer,” Yú Zǐyuān said, “I… can’t budge from this. I told you, I need this. And if you can’t bring yourself to make a simple announcement, perhaps only to your disciples-”
Jiāng Fēngmián smiled at her, reaching out to hold her hands. For a moment, Yú Zǐyuān wondered if he’d try to placate her again. She knew her husband had tendencies to avoid confrontation. She loved him but that meant that she knew all of his flaws far too well, better than anyone else in the jianghu.
“Ok.” he said finally, “If it means that much to you, it holds the same importance to me. We share our burdens, Sān-niáng. That’s only why we can share our love too.” he squeezed her hand, smiling wider at the surprise on her face, “I want you happy, and if you believe this is the best course of action… then yes, so do I.”
She knew he didn’t entirely believe her perspective on this.
She didn’t expect him to.
Not many men would understand how much it hurt her pride to be put in this position.
But… he was accommodating. He valued her opinions even if it meant doing something he didn’t believe. It was… nice to see those sacrifices from her husband, especially when it often felt she was the one making most of them. He didn’t seem upset either. He was happy to let this go, to make this small sacrifice to ensure that she was happy… and in a way, that made her happy too.
She held his hands back, walking a little closer to him, letting her weight rest a little on his shoulder, sighing in relief as some of the pain from her legs seemed to leave, “I’ll tell them during tomorrow’s morning training,” he said. Jiāng Fēngmián’s hands left hers to wrap around her shoulders instead, hugging her. Yú Zǐyuān didn’t like admitting it often but she did love being held in a way that made her feel safe.
Jiāng Fēngmián knew that.
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