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Dean’s legs feel heavy, Sam’s weight in his arms the only thing that pushes him forward. Sam doesn’t cry. He stopped when Daddy handed him over like he always does when in Dean’s arms.
The smell of burnt meat reaches Dean’s nose and he tears up from the smoke. He tells himself it is from the smoke.
Dean reaches the front door. One arm firmly under Sam’s head, supporting his neck. The door is locked and Dean can’t reach the bolt.
A chair. He needs a chair. But where will he put Sam down so he can bring the chair? He feels like crying. He is crying. The seconds go by excruciatingly slowly, and he has no idea what to do. He holds onto Sammy tighter, like a lifeline. Sammy isn’t crying so it will be okay. Everything will be okay.
Someone’s strong arms haul him up along with Sammy and he watches as their Daddy carries them outside.
~~~
It’s been a week since then. Mommy isn’t back yet and Daddy is really sad. Sammy doesn’t like the milk made from the formula; he misses Mommy’s milk. Dean knows because Sammy keeps crying.
Dean misses Mommy too. He also misses Daddy, who hasn’t picked him up in days. He feels hungry all the time. Daddy isn’t hungry so he doesn’t eat, so Dean doesn’t eat either. He thinks it’s a way to be sad about Mommy.
Dean hasn’t talked in days. Not since Daddy yelled at him for asking where Mommy is. Daddy likes the silence now. So Dean stays quiet and keeps Sammy in his arms as much as possible so he doesn’t cry. But Dean has to put him down sometimes, like when he has to go potty. Sammy doesn’t like it. Dean tries to be fast.
Daddy hasn’t noticed that Dean doesn’t talk. Sammy has though and he doesn’t like it. He keeps grabbing at Dean’s lower lip and moves it up and down as if that would make Dean talk. He gets all fussy and frowning when no sound comes out.
So Dean tries to speak again. It’s hard and sound doesn’t come out easily.
“Sammy.” The only word that Dean can say with ease, like he never stopped. Because it’s important. Because Sammy has to learn his name and because Dean remembers Mommy saying it softly before Sammy was born.
Sammy always laughs happily when Dean speaks or makes any noise at all. It’s not until a month later that Dean realizes that he must talk to Sammy. Daddy never talks to Sammy anymore so if Dean doesn’t talk to him, he won’t learn to speak. So Dean gets words out even though it’s hard. He makes up stories to put Sammy to sleep.
Dean still doesn’t talk in front of Daddy though. It’s different. Dean tries but the words won’t come out. Daddy doesn’t realize.
It’s three months since Mommy left that Dean finally speaks to Daddy. Sammy needs his bottle and Daddy has forgotten about it.
“D–Daddy. Sammy needs food.”
“It’s in the cupboard.” Daddy is drinking that adult drink all the time now. It’s like he’s not here anymore.
Dean doesn’t know how to make Sammy’s bottle. That’s why he told Daddy. So Daddy could do it. But Daddy won’t do it so Dean has to. He’s seen Mommy and Daddy do it but he’s never done it himself. But he’s five now. (He thinks he is at least. It’s February and Dean’s birthday was in January, although he doesn’t remember the exact date.) He can do it.
It’s a valiant fight. Dean comes out of it with a pretty big burn on his left arm but he’s made Sammy’s bottle and next time he will be more careful when pouring the boiling water into the bottle. His burn hurts but Sammy drinks his milk with a satisfied expression so Dean doesn’t mind it that much. He puts some water on it after he feeds Sammy. It still has these big bubble-like things on it the next day. Dean remembers when Mommy had one of these on her thumbs and Dean wanted to pop it but she said that he must not. So Dean doesn’t pop his either. Some days later, the bubbles are gone. Dean doesn’t burn himself again.
Dean remembers that Mommy was gonna start giving Sammy solid foods after Halloween. It’s already been three months since then and Dean feels bad for forgetting. He hopes Sammy doesn’t get sick because of him. He tells Daddy about it. Daddy buys a container just like the one for Sam’s milk. The instructions are in pictures so Dean manages to make it on his own. They don’t have small enough spoons for Sammy’s mouth so Dean washes his hands real well and feeds the baby cereal to Sammy with his fingers. They are a right mess after it but Sammy looks very happy about it.
~~~
Sammy has started crawling lately. Daddy says he’s a bit late. Dean finds out the hard way that Sammy learns fast. Like, real fast.
It’s been two weeks since Sammy first crawled and he’s already taken to following Dean around the motel. Dean thinks it’s good practice, so he takes slow steps at first, then a bit faster. Sammy follows like Dean holds candies in his hands. Not that Sam has had any candy yet. He’s still too little for that.
Three weeks and Dean gapes when Sammy stands up on his own. He’s holding onto the bed covers and has a determined expression on his face. He’s raising his legs slightly, one by one, testing.
Dean is close by, watching him fondly. Watching Sammy is Dean’s favorite activity. Especially because Sammy always giggles whenever he catches Dean watching.
Four weeks and Sammy takes his first step, right into Dean’s waiting arms. Dean engulfs him in a tight hug and sings praises high and low.
Sammy somehow understands because he’s laughing giddily.
Daddy isn’t there to see it and doesn’t immediately believe it when Dean tells him later.
Sammy pouts like he’s angry with Daddy and starts fussing until Dean lets him down on the floor. Sammy uses Dean’s legs to stand up then turns to Daddy. He has that determined look he gets sometimes and suddenly he’s walking towards Daddy.
Dean is so proud of him. He looks up at Daddy happily.
Daddy looks frozen like he can’t believe Sammy is walking.
Sammy doesn’t walk all the way to Daddy. He stops by the bed, holding onto it to stay standing.
Dean picks him up with a smile.
“See, Daddy?”
“Yeah.” Daddy gulps like he’s sad about something. “Yeah, Dean. I see.”
That night, Dean wakes up to Sammy’s cries. He’s initially confused because Sammy isn’t next to him. Nothing helps Sammy fall back to sleep than Dean letting him suckle on his fingers. So he reaches out to find Sammy’s face but finds the bed around him empty.
"Sammy?" Confused, Dean sits up on the bed and looks around. He notices Daddy standing. "What's wrong, Daddy?"
Sammy stops crying.
Dean can see well in the dark but from the sound, he realizes Daddy must be holding Sammy in his arms.
"I..." Daddy sounds weird, like he’s sad. "I think he wants a hug from his brother."
"Okay." Dean reaches out so Daddy can put Sammy in his arms. Then, he rocks him back and forth until Sammy’s breath settles. He pulls the covers over the both of them and keeps Sammy close as he falls back to sleep.
Dean can feel Daddy’s eyes on them but he doesn’t know what’s wrong. Daddy stays silent and Dean falls back to sleep.
~~~
Around a month before his first birthday, Sammy says his first word. Then he doesn’t stop saying it.
“Dee!” Sammy pulls at Dean’s shirt. “Dee, Dee, Dee!”
He doesn’t even want anything. He just likes saying it. Dean lets him. He doesn’t mind it much. It’s adorable.
Dean has gotten really good at taking care of Sammy. He makes him food and feeds him. He cleans him up and starting a few weeks ago, Daddy lets Dean bathe him too.
Daddy is gone a lot lately. But it’s okay. Dean can take care of Sammy now. And Daddy always comes back before bedtime to put them to sleep. He talks to them now when he’s there. He even smiles at Dean sometimes, so Dean is happy. He likes that his Daddy is not so sad anymore.
Daddy cries a little when he hears Sammy saying ‘Dee’ for the first time. Dean doesn’t understand why.
Sammy’s next word is ‘feed’, which makes sense because Dean keeps saying that ‘it’s time to feed you’ to him. That is quickly followed by ‘apple’ as it’s his favorite mush to eat.
From May through July, Sammy is talking nonstop. He’s learning words daily and won’t stop using them. He’s excited. Dean understands him perfectly but John doesn’t. He doesn’t spend enough time with Sammy to learn his language. But that’s okay, because Dean is always there to translate.
The first time Sammy says ‘daddy’ is in August. Dean taught him the word. He makes sure that Daddy hears it too when he’s back at night. Dean thinks that Sammy hasn’t fully understood what the new word means but it doesn’t matter because Daddy smiles really widely when he hears it.
~~~
It’s August and they are in a park. Sammy doesn’t like being away from Dean when they are outside so Dean is carrying him against his hip. He’s getting kinda big for Dean to carry around. Dean hopes he never gets too big though, so Dean can always carry him.
Sammy doesn't have a stroller.
Dean still remembers when Sammy had a stroller. Mommy pushed him everywhere in it. It was the same stroller Dean had as a baby. It got burned in the fire. Daddy never got Sammy another one.
Dean hates that Sammy doesn’t have a stroller like the other babies in the park. Dean still had vague memories of himself in a stroller and he remembers loving the feeling of wheels rolling under him. He wants Sammy to have that too.
Dean spots an empty stroller at the edge of the park one day and he gets an idea. He grins down at Sammy, excited at the prospect of giving his baby brother a valuable experience. He drags the empty stroller under the shadow of a nearby tree, away from the eyes of its owners, and puts Sammy inside.
Sammy looks at him in confusion.
"Do you like it?" Dean rocks the stroller a little bit. "It's fun."
Sammy stares at Dean for a few more seconds before he starts crying loudly.
Without thinking Dean pulls Sammy out of the stroller and against his hip once again. Sammy's crying immediately stops and his tiny hands clutch tightly on Dean's hoodie. He makes an angry face at Dean.
"Okay. No strollers. Got it."
Evidently, Sammy likes resting against Dean's hip the most.
Dean doesn’t make another attempt to get Sammy in a stroller. He asks Daddy to get him something to secure Sammy against his hip instead.
~~~
In October, Sammy learns what kisses are and how to give them.
He already clings to Dean all the time but now he pulls him down so he can kiss him on the cheek as well. Then he demands Dean kiss him too. Dean indulges him most of the time.
Sammy is growing fast. He gets clingier every day.
It’s not long before he starts crying whenever Daddy picks him up.
Dean had to get a shot at the pediatrician a couple of weeks ago and Sammy cried the entire time he waited outside with Daddy. He only stopped when Dean picked him up again.
Dean doesn’t mind. He likes carrying Sammy around or having him toddling around behind him. Daddy doesn’t like it so much. He says it’s not good for him. But when the alternative is nonstop crying, Daddy lets Dean carry Sammy around all day.
~~~
It’s November. It’s been a year since Mommy died.
Dean has become an expert at anything Sammy-related. And Sammy is 1.5 years old now. So he starts doing things for his age, like following Dean around and trying to do chores.
Dean doesn’t let him near the stove or anywhere near knives because he’s a good big brother and knows that it’s dangerous. Sometimes he climbs on the kitchen counter and sits facing the sink with Sammy between his legs. Dean holds the dish as Sammy uses the sponge to wash it. Sometimes, they get the dishes done, others they end up soaked wet instead. It’s a bit of a gamble.
Sammy understands what Dean tells him now. And he communicates back with the usual babbling that only Dean can understand.
Dean still feeds Sammy but sometimes, Sammy will use his fingers to do it by himself. Dean wishes he had a camera. Sammy is so freaking adorable when he gets all messy from his food.
Another addition to Sammy’s routine is the drawing. Dean begged Daddy to get them some crayons last month and Sammy loves using them on whatever surface he can find. Dean has to be very careful with him. Because one wrong move and Daddy might take the crayons away. He usually manages to restrain Sammy’s artistic tendencies to pieces of paper instead of the wallpaper or their clothes.
Sammy makes a lot of drawings for Dean. He gives them to him as soon as he finishes them, yelling ‘dee, dee, dee’ to make sure Dean looks at it as soon as humanly possible.
~~~
In January, Dean becomes six. He still doesn’t know what date his birthday is on. Daddy doesn’t tell him and Dean doesn’t ask.
Once February rolls around, Dean proudly announces that he’s six now. Daddy makes a funny face. Sam giggles loudly, ready to celebrate with him.
The next day, Daddy starts talking about ‘kindergarten’. Dean remembers Mommy talking about it too. He doesn’t know what it is but Daddy looks very serious as he tells Dean that he has to attend.
Dean likes new things so he doesn’t fight Daddy on it right away. A few days later, Daddy tells Dean to dress up nice for kindergarten. So Dean chooses clothes that look cleaner and with fewer holes. The pants are a bit small on him but he can deal. After dressing himself, he dresses Sammy. Daddy hasn’t bought many new clothes for Dean after the fire but he had to for Sammy. Sammy is more than twice the size he was a year ago after all. Dean dresses him up nicely. Sammy is very obedient and helps Dean throughout the process.
With both of them dressed as neatly as possible, Dean picks Sammy up on his hip, ready to go outside.
John frowns as he tells them to get in the car.
Dean hops out of the car with Sammy on his hip, ready to face this kindergarten or whatever. The place has a playground. Dean smiles. Surely, Sammy will like that.
Everything is fine until Daddy tries to take Sammy away.
“No!” Dean hugs Sammy tightly against his hip.
“Dean…” Daddy crouches down. “Sammy is still too young for kindergarten. I promise I will look after him while you are gone.”
Dean doesn’t let go of Sammy. He doesn’t really mean to but he starts crying. Just the thought of Sammy being out of his sight has him scared to death. He hasn’t left Sammy out of his sight since the fire. Daddy can’t take him! He can’t do that to Dean.
Sammy — tuned in to Dean’s feelings — starts crying too.
Dean holds him closer. He’s not letting Daddy take him. Sammy needs to stay with Dean. It’s important. Dean has to look after him.
In the end, Daddy takes them back home.
Daddy is stubborn because he tries again the next day, and the next, and the next. Dean doesn’t understand why he has to let Sammy out of his sight. It’s Daddy who said that he had to look after Sammy. Kindergarten is stupid anyway. He is gonna wait until Sammy is old enough so they can go together.
Daddy becomes Dad when he betrays Dean. He tricks him into letting go of Sammy then leaves him with the ‘teacher’ and takes Sammy with him.
The ‘teacher’ tries to make him laugh but Dean can’t stop crying. When the other ‘teachers’ ask what’s wrong with him, the only thing Dean can think to say is that he needs Sammy.
A loooooong time later, Dad comes to get him. Dean hears Sammy’s cries before Dad even parks the car and he runs outside to get his brother. Sammy immediately stops crying when he sees him. Dean hugs him tight against his hip. He is not letting him go ever again.
The next time Dad tries to take him to kindergarten, he doesn’t try to take Sammy away. He talks a bit with the ‘teacher’ and then he leaves.
On principle, Dean doesn’t let Sammy wander off in the new possibly hostile environment right away. Sammy likes being held against Dean’s hip anyway.
Dean only plays with the other kids when Sammy points at them. Dean isn’t very interested in socializing anyway. But if Sammy wants to play, then Dean will play too. Dean easily notices that the other kids like Sammy a lot more than they like Dean. That’s normal though. What’s there not to like about Sammy? He is the most adorable baby ever.
Weeks later, Dad asks whether Sam can stay home now and Dean feels the same urge of panic he felt a few weeks ago. Dean starts crying. Sammy notices so he cries too.
Dad doesn’t mention it again.
~~~
Dad starts sending Dean on errands during summer. He says Dean is old enough for it now. Dean always takes Sammy with him. He’s getting a bit heavy so Dean moves him from his hip to his back when he has to go a long way. Sammy is higher up like this so he likes it.
Dad tries to make Dean leave Sammy at home but Dean doesn’t want to. He can run the errands and take care of Sammy. He’s ‘capable’ like that.
Dean does agree to leave Sammy home with Dad one time. It’s not because Dad said so, it’s because Sammy is a bit sick, and going out when it’s cold might make it worse. And Sammy is old enough now. Surely, Dad can babysit him for twenty minutes, right?
When Dean comes back, Sammy is smiling widely at him. That must mean Dad did a good job babysitting him. Dean smiles back. He’s happy that Dad is also ‘capable’ enough to look after Sammy.
~~~
When Dean enters first grade, he gets to take Sammy with him again. The other kids call him weird and tell him it’s not normal to bring your baby brother to school. They don’t play with Dean. It’s okay though, because Sammy is much more interested in Dean’s homework than the other kids now. Dean lets him color over his notebooks. Although, sometimes, Sammy ends up connecting the small dots to make up the letters. Sammy is really smart.
When Dean gets home, sometimes Sammy will be the one to remind him about homework. He takes Dean’s books out of his bag and keeps whining ‘omwok’, which Dean quickly realizes means homework and won’t stop saying the word until Dean does it. It’s slightly annoying.
Dad makes the suggestion of leaving Sammy home at least once a week but Sammy just clings tighter to Dean’s neck. Dad doesn’t give up but Dean has the distinct feeling that he won’t get his way anytime soon. Sammy is more stubborn than Dad.
~~~
When Dean learns most of the alphabet letters, he asks Dad to buy him comic books. He says he needs them to practice his reading. The truth is that he wants to read them to Sammy, like Mommy used to read stories to him.
Dad gets them a couple of comic books and a few picture books.
Dean reads them very slowly and has to point at the words but Sammy is very patient with him. He waits for Dean to make sense of the word he’s reading and giggles loudly when Dean understands the text of a book or comic enough to do different voices and entertain Sammy.
Dean gets very good at reading. Even his teacher praises him for it. He doesn’t tell her that he had to get good at it so he could read to Sammy.
Dad doesn’t ask how school is going but that’s okay. Because Sammy has a general understanding that A is better than B which is better than C, and Dean has been getting many As and Sammy has been giving him many kisses and hugs to celebrate.
~~~
It’s the end of Dean’s first year at grade school and Sammy still says ‘omwok’ every day because he hasn’t gotten the memo that schools are closed for the summer.
Dean is seven and Dad lets him take Sammy to the park on his own. Sammy is three but he doesn’t play much with the other kids.
Whenever Dean takes him to the park or anywhere else, Sammy holds onto Dean’s sleeve, his hand, or his pants. Dean doesn’t mind it but Dad says that Sammy has to grow out of it soon. Dean kinda likes it.
~~~
During his second year, Dean has to fight a little harder to keep Sammy with him. Dad insists that Sammy is old enough now to stay calm without Dean around.
That is a big lie.
Dean decides to prove it to his Dad. He asks him to make a grocery list and Dean will go pick everything up while Dad looks after Sammy. If Sammy stays calm for the thirty or so minutes that will take, Dean will consider going to school on his own. Dad agrees.
Dean finds a disaster when he returns to the motel; Sammy is on the floor screaming and Dad is five feet away covering his ears.
“Sammy,” Dean says, sternly.
Sammy’s loud cries turn to soft sobbing and sniffling. He makes grabby hands towards Dean.
Dean drops the groceries on the floor and picks Sammy up. He puts him against his hip and lets him bury his face in the crook of Dean’s neck.
“Shh,” Dean says, “it’s okay, Sammy. I’m here.”
Sammy’s small chubby hands pull on Dean’s T-shirt.
“See now, Dad?” Dean says. “He’s still not ready.”
“Yeah,” Dad says numbly. “Yeah, I guess you are right.”
He doesn’t try to keep Sammy home again. Dean and Sammy attend classes together and Dean’s grades are really good. It’s probably because Sammy won’t let him go without doing his homework.
~~~
Sammy only stops attending Dean's classes a year later, when it's time for him to go to kindergarten. Dean doesn’t like it.
It's a bit scary being away from Sammy. He hasn’t been away from Sammy for longer than a few minutes since the fire.
Somehow, Sammy adjusts easily to kindergarten though and Dean kind of hates it. Sammy — who cried whenever Dean was gone — grew up.
Dean has a harder time adjusting to class without a toddler on his lap. The first few days Dean barely pays attention because he’s worrying about Sammy.
When it becomes clear that Sammy is alright at his new school, Dean finds that paying attention is still hard. He doesn’t have to be alert at all times to make sure Sammy doesn’t cry or get bored. So he ends up spacing out a lot. He gets many Bs that year.
He convinces himself that it isn’t because Sammy is having fun without him.
~~~
Every day, Dean wakes up an hour earlier than Sammy so he can make breakfast, prepare Sammy's lunchbox, and find the cleanest clothes he can for his little brother so the other children won’t make fun of him.
He's already dressed and has both of their bags ready before he shakes Sammy awake and cajoles him into getting up, eating breakfast, washing his teeth, and dressing.
After they are both ready, he takes Sammy to kindergarten and has to promise that he will be back as early as possible before his little brother lets go of his jacket.
It makes Dean happy that Sammy still doesn't like being away from Dean for long even though he enjoys school.
After he says goodbye to Sammy, Dean walks back to his own school. He's always at least twenty minutes late but he doesn’t tell the teachers the reason. He can't tell them he's in charge of taking his little brother to school. They will call the CPS and Dean can't have that. Dad says the CPS will take Sammy away if they come.
So Dean always misses part of his first lesson. And he always runs out the school door as soon as the final chime rings.
Sammy will be out in five minutes and Dean has to be there on time. He runs there. Sammy doesn't mind that Dean is all sweaty when he comes to pick him up. He just clings tighter on his brother.
Dean holds Sammy close. He misses him like a limb every day.
~~~
"Mom."
It's been a few months since Sammy started kindergarten and Dean freezes.
Sam’s vocabulary has been increasing at a rapid speed since he started talking with kids his age. Dean isn’t jealous.
"Mom," Sammy repeats more urgently.
Dean finally turns to face Sammy, his face void of emotion. Then he notices Sammy is looking at him with a grin.
"Sammy?"
"It's a word.” He looks proud as he says it. “I learned what it means."
Dean nods his head slowly, prompting Sam to keep going, dreading the answer.
"It's a special word for the person who looks after you." Sam grins widely. "Dean is Mom."
Dean, aged nine, cries. He knows that Sammy doesn’t understand why he’s crying. Honestly, Dean isn’t very sure either.
When Sammy hugs Dean to make him feel better, Dean doesn’t know how to explain to the kid that he’s not sad. He doesn’t know how to tell Sammy that he’s not his ‘mom’, that they don’t have a mom, and that Dean will never be as good as she was.
What comes out is Dean’s pure emotions, summed up in the only way Dean can phrase them.
"Thank you, Sammy." Dean murmurs against Sammy's head. He doesn’t let him go yet. He holds him close and takes in his scent. It reminds him that Sammy still needs him, that he hasn’t outgrown him yet.
Dean doesn’t know what he will do when Sammy stops needing him. When he gets big and independent and can take care of himself. But for now, Dean will take the small win. Sammy doesn’t understand it yet, but Dean needs his little brother just as much as Sammy needs him. Or maybe, even more.
After all, Dean only feels truly at ease when he has Sammy against his hip.